Help Mumma sweetie...

15 undeniably classic quotes from the gay icon known as Edina Monsoon. Single, working mother – with two ex-husbands, a frustratingly intelligent daughter and a leech-like best friend.

On Her Eternal Diet Struggle

I’m going to be thin… I’m going to do thin things.

On Self Belief

Eddy: Inside me there’s a thin person just screaming to get out.

Mother: Just the one, dear?

On Working

Wednesday, 8 AM. Get Up Kick Ass

On coming to terms with her fat

“I’m a fat person, that’s the end of it! Me! The woman who got stuck on an eating loop in Yo! Sushi! I mean, honestly, sweetheart! If they keep it coming round of course I’m gonna eat it, aren’t I!?”

On Taxation

“I mean why not just have a stupidity tax. Just tax the stupid people!”

On Tanning


“PR! I PR things! People, Places Concepts

On PR Advice To Baby Spice

“Well, darling, the trouble with you is you’re not … you’re not kinda giving me anything! You know, if you want something from the tabs, you gotta give them something back! You’re just kinda flatlining it, nice and sweet, are you? And they want a little bit of a heartbeat. They don’t want to know your mum’s your best friend, do they? They want you to be some one-armed lesbian asylum seeker! They want the full cellulite shots! They want a 40-in-the-bed perv orgy with your Spice mates! They want you mainlining, arm jacking, smack crack nightmare, darling! They want you-They want you filleted and splayed on the butcher’s block so they can photograph all your organs for Heat magazine! I mean frankly, for once, I would like to see you foaming at the mouth, stinking of piss in the gutter with this little thumb stuck up Justin Timberlake’s arse and you wearing nothing but a Gucci belt!”

On Fashion

“You know, people will think ‘Wow, it’s a Lacroix!’ Ok?”

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On Smoking

“Oh, don’t be so stupid, smoke can’t get in there, darling. Smoke can’t touch the baby. If it could you’d have come out looking like prosciutto, believe me.

On Motherhood

“You come back here, don’t you think you can just say something like that, hit and run! Now listen, I gave you that birthday, darling. You wouldn’t have that birthday if I hadn’t been generous enough to uncross my legs and give you to the world, darling. Nobody’s thanked me, have they?!”

A Moment Of True Wisdom

I mean, you know, the older you get, the more frightening life is.

On Positions of Power

You only work in a shop you know. You can drop the attitude.

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On Her First Ex Husband

Eddy: “God, I hope you’re not inviting that bloody, bollocky, selfish, two-faced, chicken bastard, pig-dog-man, are you??”

Saffy: You could just say “Dad!” I’d still know what you meant!

On Gayness

“Darling, being gay is the best excuse you’ll ever have not to be boring!”

About the author: Jake Hook
The editor and chief of THEGAYUK. All in a previous life wrote and produced songs on multi-platinum records.