THEGAYUK

Author: Barry Heap

  • OPINION | Out In The Therapy Room

    OPINION | Out In The Therapy Room

    I know what you may be thinking about; you have your own secrets and your own reasons for coming to counselling. Things that you’ve bottled up and repressed for years. Ashamed to talk or speak of who you secretly you’re attracted to.

    You feel that to express these fears they become real, no longer to be ignored. That I’ll judge you on some level. You’ll be less of a man. I won’t value you the same as human being.

    Of course I’m a man as well; maybe I remind you of your father, brother or the boy who used to pick on you at school. You’re nervous about being raw and vulnerable with me, afraid of my response. What you may not have considered is that I am gay too.

    I am the counsellor that you see sat before you. Confident. Calm and friendly. However before I became this person I was sat in the same chair that you are, worrying about the same things. I understand because like many gay therapists, I was a client first. I will also have been in the position of speaking to a therapist about my sexuality – positive or negative- and appreciate how much courage it can take to have this conversation.

    If I told you that I was gay would the worry about telling me about yourself disappear? If you knew about my coming out experiences, would you believe that I could empathise with the struggles you are facing?

    If you stopped caring about my reactions and judgement, Would you begin to care for yourself? You might not have come into counselling to talk about your sexuality but does it feel different to feel that it is not off the cards if you want to. I accept that counsellors do not need to be a man or gay to be able to work with you but knowing that I have walked the same roads as you may bring a different kind of assurance and the feeling that when I say “I understand” that my response is more heartfelt. Unlike talking to your father, brother or friend, there will be no judgment on the things that have happened to you that you still carry today.

    If I told you that I was a member of an ethical body that has concluded that gay “conversion” therapies are unethical and anyone practising them would face disciplinary action. Does that help to assure you of the men and women that have chosen to stand together with regardless of sexuality?

    Of course the questions that are asked here are only for you; I don’t need or expect an answer. But there are Gay Counsellors out there who are proud of their sexuality and confident enough to recognise the power it holds in the counselling relationship. We use the term “Gay affirmative” to show that we embrace the positive aspect of being true to yourself and value the power it holds in the counselling relationship.

    The power comes from letting you know that I can relate to some of the experiences you may choose to bring to the time we share together. I can understand the power in being able to express freely, who I love, how I live and who I am.

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | Pornography in the classroom

    If you are looking for a pleasant evening of entertainment, you appreciate a traditional, old fashioned musical and if you enjoy the slightly twee nature of the MGM classic musicals, then you will enjoy this very well rounded production.

    Predictably this has caused the usual moral outcry from Christian groups and claims that this is sexualising children. On a recent televised debate, I expressed the views that the discussion with teenagers was appropriate and that we cannot deny the existence of the porn industry and its place in modern society.

    Nobody is suggesting that that porn is shown as part of the sex education lessons but knowledge is indeed power and to allow the discussion in the safe classroom environment is healthy. By talking in an open and honest way we are taking the demonization of porn away and allowing teenagers to see it for what it is, an expression of human sexuality. We are equipping them with the skills to make an informed choice. Lessons on drugs and alcohol are common place; these inform and advise about the dangers of addiction. Of course, this in an important aspect of the discussion and education of pornography. For example a young gay man may only have the opportunity to express themselves through pornography and they may be in particular risk of becoming addicted.

    Beyond that it enables us to open into the discussion about body types and imagery. Indeed in gay porn the types typically represented are classically either slim feminine looking “twinks” or smooth muscular jocks. For the young gay man coming to terms with his sexuality and masculinity, it can be confusing and intimidating to feel that they need to confirm to these sexual types. The message being sent is that only these types have active satisfying sex lives and considered desirable. Not everyone is toned, hairless, beautiful and waxed, that is an image that is represented because it the most commercially viable.

    The other discussion that is prevalent within the porn industry is unsafe sex practices and the rise of bareback porn. Nobody in the porn industry is completely reckless and studios that film in this manner insist that performers are regularly tested and validated before filming scenes. However, this is not represented to the average teenager viewing porn across the internet in the seclusion of their bedroom.

    What bareback porn does is normalise reckless sexual behaviour. The latest figures from Public health England indicates a rise of 5% in STD infections in the past year with chlamydia and gonorrhoea being the highest cause reported cases. The discussion of safe sex is already happening but clearly, the message is being lost.

    Pornography can allow young men and woman to explore their fantasies in a safe manner. It may be the case that they are not entirely comfortable with the concept of same-sex attraction or bisexuality. Through viewing porn or reading erotica, it allows the teenager to define and experiment with their own sexual identity. Pornography allows them the space to express this desire without feeling intimidated and free from judgment.

    Returning to the central argument, I have provided reasons as to why it is important for us to engage with teenagers about pornography as part of sex education. As I said before knowledge is power and it is important that we pass that power onto the most vulnerable members of society. If we choose to ignore the porn industry, then we run risk of being naive at best and ignorant at worst, and ignorance is never a lesson we should be teaching.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OP ED | Can a gay guy ever be turned straight?

    After the recent remarks by Colin Murray and Bob Mills about ‘turning’ Clare Balding during a live radio broadcast on BBC Radio 5, writer Barry Heap discusses whether ‘I’ll Have A Go At Turning You’ is an offensive thing to suggest.

    At a recent friend’s wedding, an older glamorous cougar type whispered into my ear

    “I’d have a go at turning you”

    As she slid my tie in a suggestive manner I laughed at Mrs Robinson.

    The statement was meant in a flirty good humoured form of banter. We spent the rest of the night drinking whisky and dancing to northern soul. I took the statement as a huge compliment, I’m not offended.

    But I’m informed that I should be, apparently I was degraded as a man. My sexuality was disrespected and it was implied that I was free and easy to choose my sexuality as easily as I had chosen the trio of lamb for the wedding breakfast.

    The truth is if we are to say that this statement is offensive to gay people, we need to cast an eye closer to home or become hypocrites. After all that is where many of us began back is high school, following the unattainable straight boy at high school. But things progress from there it only takes a quick search on the internet to find thousands of pages of slash fiction written about straight characters on TV series having gay sexual encounters. There’s also the endless speculation on the sexuality of celebrity’s such as Tom Cruise and John Travolta

    Taking a further look into the internet, there are many gay porn sites that feature performers who identify as “gay for pay”. This means that off camera they are straight but on camera, they are quite happy to perform with other guys. Yes, it’s exploitive but there is clearly a market for it as many pay sites offer the illicit thrill of seeing a straight jock “turned”.

    On the flip side of the coin, many straight friends are happy to discuss celebrities that they would like to “experiment” with. Russell brand, Robert Downey Jr and Eric Bana are all mentioned. I have no doubt that if any of these unlikely scenarios were to present themselves that nothing would happen; it is fantasy because they are straight. I respect their sexuality as much as they have respected and supported mine. What they may be uncomfortable in saying is that they find these men very attractive and appreciate their beauty I can see their point of view, I find Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman absolutely stunning but I would never fantasise about them sexually, the ways I look at them, are Very different to how I think about Hugh Jackman (which are not fit for publication)

    So where does this leave us? I think that we can find other people attractive of either gender, sexuality is fluid but maybe sexual orientation is less so. For people identifying as gay or straight, we can be sure who we would sleep with and the line between fantasy and reality.

    When it comes to the attraction we are not interested in the others person’s orientation.

    Maybe we should just all relax, it’s easy to judge and be oversensitive over what is meant as a bit of banter. Perhaps Thatcher would not appreciate the irony of the phrase “the lady’s not for turning” being used in this manner,

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OP ED | Gay PDAs

    During a recent online discussion about holding hands in public, I was criticised for expressing the point of view that even though I was comfortable doing this but I don’t always feel like it. The argument levelled to me is that I had missed the point.

    Around 70 countries still hold penalties for same-sex activity and 7 carry the death penalty. On the contrast the UK is one of the more tolerant and supportive countries. To address this, I appreciate that we are lucky to live in a country where we even have the choice.

    I have been called “queer “ and “faggot” for carrying out the outrageous act of holding my boyfriend’s hand in a city centre, but the truth is I do not care. They are the words that they choose to define me with, which is their perception of me, it is not me. Their poison does not drip into my life. They do not dictate my relationship and how I choose to live my life. Sadly the bitchy comments and stares are not only from the straight community, I’m 11 years older than my partner and overweight. My boyfriend is 22 and leads an active lifestyle. I joke with friends that I’m punching above my weight but we’re happy and the relationship works for us. However, within the gay community we can attract as much negative attention because we don’t seem it fit within the gay cookie cutter.

    Part of the criticism is that because I live in a country where I am able to hold my partner’s hand, I should. However this is not me either, sometimes I’m up some days I’m down. Sometimes I will be the more affectionate in the relationship and initiate contact, others times I value my space. I’m a walking messy contradiction of a person, I’m human after all. And so is my partner. I’m secure in the relationship so I don’t need to be tethered to him 24/7. When we are out and I see other guys checking him out I can smile inwardly and outwardly, because I know we belong to each other.

    I have no need to be insecure. I don’t need to walk everywhere hand in hand together to feel that I am with someone, because mentally and emotionally I am.

    Have I missed the point? I don’t think I have, I have the choice to hold my partner’s hand, to hug him and kiss him in public. I have the same rights and freedoms as any straight person in public. Sometimes I will choose not to because I am a person not a living breathing political agenda.

    The fact that this is even a conversation in 2013 says that we still have a long way to go but that will be decided by governments and politicians, not me. My individuality and sexuality are 2 different parts of me, they are for me to decide, no one else.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.