THEGAYUK

Category: Dilemmas

  • Am I a sex addict? I have slept with over 700 guys

    Am I a sex addict? I have slept with over 700 guys

    A reader confided with us that he’s slept with hundreds of men – and wonders whether if that’s normal or whether he is a sex addict. Experts from 56 Dean Street take the question

    Dear 56DS and TGUK

    I’m in my mid 20s and I’m a bit of sex lover. I’ve probably been with over 700 guys in the last 2 years, which makes my friends laugh, but I think I’m a bit addicted to it.

    Some of the sex has been whilst drunk or on drugs (never needles) and I can’t be certain that it’s always been protected sex.

    I am around 80% the top in these shags. So I’ve been told that the likelihood is that I’m fine, but just wondering.

    I’ve had a few STDs and had those cleared up but I’m feeling a little bit worried as I always do this time of year with WorldAIDS Day coming up…

    I have been to the clinic, but not this year.

    Hi there;
    Thanks for your question.

    Being top may be less risky than being the bottom, but there is still a risk, and guys who only top still get HIV. This is because of HIV can also be found in mucosal secretions inside someone’s bum. Using condoms will protect you against HIV and most STIs regardless of how many partners you have. However, it’s possible that condoms break, or you can get STIs including HIV through oral sex, although getting HIV through oral sex is rare.

    Some people say that taking drugs including alcohol makes them more relaxed and more likely to take risks. Sometimes when people get caught in the moment they may feel invincible and forget to do the things they normally would to protect their health. It’s really important that you keep control by using condoms and getting yourself checked regularly for sexually transmitted infections. This should be for all STIs not just HIV.

    Taking PrEP can help stop new transmission of HIV, particularly useless if the user is having condomless sex. When use as prescribed it can be an effective barrier to the transmission of HIV. However it does not stop other STIs.

    It might also be worth considering going onto PrEP. If you’ve not heard about PrEP, essentially it’s a anti-HIV drug, which when taken as prescribed can effectively prevent HIV spreading from partner to partner. PrEP stands for (Pre-Exposure Prophylactic. Campaigners believe PrEP can ultimately end new HIV transmissions. To find out more about it and see if you’re able to access PrEP make an appointment with your location sexual health clinic.

    If you do have HIV finding out can save your life (if you have had it for many years) or add years to your life. HIV is now a manageable health condition and life expectancy may be almost the same if diagnosed early and you start treatment at the right time. It’s better to know as you can take control of your own health and protect your partners.

    It sounds like you may want to visit our CODE clinic, a walk-in service. The team are super friendly, non-judgemental and there to help you. They can advise you on drug taking, help you to reduce or stop and explain more about risks of STIs. Also, they know a lot about the harder sex scene, if that happens to be your thing.

    In terms of the number of partners, it’s really important that you are having a healthy, enjoyable sex life which is not harmful to your mental or physical health.

    If you’re worried that you may have sex addiction then help is available. There is an online screening tool at www.sexhelp.com which is free. It will give you a score and explain what that means. There are also lots of resources on the www.sexaddictionhelp.co.uk and www.recoverynation.com websites. We provide support at 56 Dean Street and if you visited the clinic with an appointment with a health advisor we could refer you to this service.

    Hope that helps;

    Jenna and Jake.

    This article was first published in 2012 and now includes extra information about PrEP.

  • DILEMMA | Shall I make a move on my straight work mate?

    This week a reader asks what he should do about a straight mate who keeps coming on to him. We asked our community of writers what they thought.

    CREDIT: © gstockstudio
    CREDIT: © gstockstudio

    Dear TGUK

    My straight work mate keeps coming on to me… We’ve been hanging around lots and lots and he’s actually pretty cool with me being gay and is often flirty. He was one of the first people I came out to at work. We’ve worked together for over 5 years.

    At first it was all in good jest and his flirting just made me laugh, but now it’s starting to actually turn me on and is making me question whether he’s gay or bi? 

     We’ve been spending more and more time together and we’re planning a lads’ weekend away, which we’ve done before – nothing happened, but I’m wondering whether I should make a move – or ask him whether he actually likes me. He has a girlfriend and she’s a good friend too.

     I’m worried if I make a come on and goes wrong it’ll ruin our friendship…

    What do you think?

    S, Johnson, Wiltshire

    Jordan Lohan, Hove

    This could go hideously wrong. As attractive and hot an idea it is to get with the straight / not so straight boy, you have your friendship and his girlfriend’s heart hovering above the shitter. Enjoy the fact that he is comfortable enough with you, and his own sexuality to be flirty. Making a move or potentially having sex will complicate EVERYTHING, think of the atmosphere at work- you don’t need that- so don’t mess this up, buttercup. If your feelings are starting to go a little deeper than just fantasising, then you’re going have to suss out if you can actually manage a friendship with him without anyone getting hurt. I would suggest you perhaps opt out of this particular weekend away while you figure stuff out.

    Stuart Bird, Surrey

    Dear Confused

    You have answered your own question over his sexuality. You’ve been away before and nothing happened. It could be that he is just very comfortable with himself to be as comfortable with who you are. These men do exist. By coming onto him you push the boundaries of your friendship to another level. If he isn’t gay or bi then you risk a lot more than losing a friend. Work will be disrupted; your friendship will also be lost with the girlfriend.

    Tell him you fancy him. Compliments are easier to wiggle out of than coming on. I was going to say go for the easy option and not go on the lads’ weekend and start pulling yourself away. Be prepared for a possible change in your relationship if you do confess. He may become guarded around you and the flirtations stop but it will put your mind at ease as to where you stand. However if he values you for who you are he will take it as a compliment, flirt more and make your life a comfortable hell of fun.

    What makes this even harder though is that he won’t be the only straight man in the world you’ll fall in love with. One day you will cheat on your pretend boyfriend.

    ALSO READ: Dilemmas | I’m Afraid I’ll Be Left Alone

    Paul Nicholls-Whiteman, Brighton

    I have by a simple few words in life. These have stood me in great stead and I found it useful.

    If you don’t ask you don’t get.

    Apply this to your ‘could he be bi and coming onto me’.

    You also say he has a girlfriend and that they are your friends so if you just assume his sexuality you could lose big time.

    By being upfront and honest with him you’ll still keep your friendship in tact.

    The advice above has been given by our community of writers who have drawn from experiences in their own lives and is should not be considered as professional advice.

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  • DILEMMA | When does life for a young and gay person begin?

    DILEMMA | When does life for a young and gay person begin?

    Dear Uncle,

    I’m 16 and I just wanna know when it gets better. I’m subscribed to a bunch of TikToks of cute gay couples and guys who look like they are having an amazing time, but I don’t match. I feel fat and ugly and that no one is going to want me. All my classmates around me are pairing up with each other, but that’s not going to happen for me, there’s no one gay around and I feel quite alone and down about life rn.

    Just want to know when it starts to get better?

    Justin

    Dear Justin,

    It would be so easy for me to say, “all in good time, Justin”, but that doesn’t help you right now. Being 16 means that you can feel adult enough to make your own decisions, but legally you’re kinda stuck in education and at home, which can suck, especially if you feel you’re the only LGBT+ person in the class. Although I can say with almost certainty that you won’t be.

    So, I would suggest making a few quick searches for local LGBT+ groups for young people in your area. You might be surprised to find that there are a lot of groups out there.

    If you’re not sure, it might be worth finding the website or social media profile of your local pride event. They should have lots of info about what’s going on in the area. Another good place to start might be the Allsorts Youth Project.

    FOMO for young LGBT+ people

    young and gay people can feel left out of normal interactions at school
    Photo by Jean-Baptiste Burbaud on Pexels.com

    On to the FOMO that you have about other couples. Let’s be clear, guys and couples who upload their 30-second videos of TikToks or Snap are curating an ideal for their fans to watch. Lives aren’t perfect… And people only ever show their followers the best bits, the highlights. What do you suppose happens in the 23hours 59 minutes and 30 seconds when they’re not tik tokking?

    What I’m saying is don’t believe everything you see coming out of your screen.

    Dating at school

    Because high school life can feel it is centred around heteronormative activities, young LGBT+ people can really feel like they’re missing out.

    As for getting a boyfriend, there’s no rush, weirdly these things tend to happen when you least expect them to. Please don’t feel that just because other people are dating and pairing up that you need to. Go at the pace that’s right for you, not the pace you think you should be going. There’s a huge difference and it can cause a huge amount of pressure and stress for you.

    Have you got a dilemma you’d like us to help you with? Click here to write to our team of experts.

  • DILEMMA | It’s been a year and I still can’t get over my ex

    DILEMMA | It’s been a year and I still can’t get over my ex

    Dear Uncle,

    It’s been a year since me and my first boyfriend broke up and I’m still can’t get over him. We were together for 2 years and unfortunately, it really didn’t end too well. One day he just said it wasn’t working and that he wanted to move on. Up until that point, I thought that we and our relationship was doing well. I did notice in the last month that he seemed more distance and we weren’t having as much sex as we were in the beginning, but I just put that down to being together for 2 years.

    The break up came out of the blue and he moved out almost immediately. I was really shocked by it. I begged him and pleaded with him to come back and talk to me. He actually ended up blocking me after a month or so and I’ve been left here, feeling like complete shit.

    I feel broken by the experience and very alone. I feel like I’ve alienated myself from my friends and I’m sure they are done with my talking about him. They say I should move on. But I feel completely stuck.

    I have met with other guys, had a few dates, but nothing sticks because I keep thinking about him.

    Is it normal to not be over an ex after a year?

    Tomas

    Dear Tomas,

    I feel your pain. Breakups are never easy, whether you’re the breaker or the breakee and without a doubt, your ex did a horrible thing to you, by not explaining his actions. I really do feel that if you’re going to break up with someone, you have to be completely honest with them. I think it helps with closure.

    By not telling you, he’s still in control of you, because it’s led you, understandably down a path of fixation, wondering and abandonment and by blocking you, without engaging with your questions, he’s still controlling the narrative. Which you can, and will change.

    Let me say, it’s completely normal to not be over someone you’ve loved after any period of time and the time it takes for someone to get over an ex, will be different for everyone, you just have to trust that over time your pain will subside and there’s no schedule to follow.

    He has scarred you and scars stay with us for life, but will diminish slowly over time and fade, but if we’re wise we can use that scar to remind us that everything eventually heals and what you’re left with is fresh, new skin, which is stronger than what it replaced. Healing is truly remarkable, but you have to let it happen and stop picking at the scar, no matter how itchy or tempting it is to reveal the renewed skin underneath. You have to let the process happen and one day the scab will fall away.

    Dealing with heartbreak is just the same. Give yourself time, don’t beat yourself up and reach out to people and talk. If you think your friends have had enough ex chat then why not try an LGBT+ helpline like Switchboard.

    Have you got a dilemma you’d like answered? Check out our dilemmas page and let us know what’s going on.

  • ADVICE | I have achy balls, what should I do?

    ADVICE | I have achy balls, what should I do?

    Dear TGUK

    I sometimes get aches in my left ball. I’ve done a check for lumps but haven’t found anything odd – or unusual. There’s been no blood in my pee or cum.

    The pain is like a dull ache that goes from the bottom of my balls to the pit of my stomach. It doesn’t last very long. Because it doesn’t happen all the time I haven’t been to the doctors about it, but wondering if I should.

    Paddy, Dublin

    Hello Paddy

    Re-occurring pain anywhere is a reason to get checked and you should see your GP for an examination. It could be something entirely benign or something more serious although from what you say you don’t have other symptoms.

    These are:
    A new hard lump on the testicle
    Swelling or enlargement of a testicle
    An increase in firmness of a testicle
    An unusual difference between one testicle and the other

    However there is no harm in being on the safe side and ruling this out by visiting your GP or GUM clinic and if it is anything serious, the earlier it’s caught the more effective the treatment. If you get a significant acute pain that persists in either your testicle or abdomen, you should see your doctor for urgent review.

    The advice listed above is not intended to replace or take the place of that of your own doctor, GP or medical professional who knows your full medical history. If in any doubt make an appointment with your doctor as soon as possible.

    Have you got a dilemma you’d like us to help you with? Click here to write to our team of experts.

    This article was first published in September 2016

  • DILEMMA | I found another guy’s fake tan marks on my side of the bed

    DILEMMA | I found another guy’s fake tan marks on my side of the bed

    Dear Agony Uncle

    Last week I came home from a trip away for business. When I got back to my flat, my partner was out at work so I decided to go to bed for an hour for a nap. However, when I pulled back the sheets, I found an almost perfect outline, in fake tan, of another guy, on my side of the bed.

    I share that bed with my BF. We’ve been in a relationship for five years. I feel so angry because clearly he’s had another guy over whilst I’ve not been there.

    I’ve been suspecting he’s been cheating on me. It feels like he’s been secretive recently and spends a lot of time on his phone and he gets cagey when I ask him about it. Finding the tan print feels like all the proof I need. I’m about ready to pack up my bags.

    James, 32

    Dear James,

    Before you pack up those bags, I’d urge you to have a conversation with your BF. Five years with someone is a lot to throw away over something you don’t have 100 per cent of the facts.

    Facts first, actions later.

    It’s completely understandable why you’ve jumped to the conclusion about the fake tan marks and who they might be from, but there may be a perfectly reasonable explanation. He may have had a friend over for the night, strictly platonic, they may not even be from another man, but a girlfriend of his… So ask your partner about what you’ve found.

    Speak calmly and try not to be too confrontational. See what his response is. You’ll know whether his reply is bullshit or not and if your gut feeling is still telling you to leave, then pack those bags and leave.

    The warning signs

    CREDIT: monkeybusinessimages-bigstock

    Spending lots of time on the phone, being secretive and acting cagey are some of the signs that a guy could be cheating on you, but also not.

    The problem is, these are also some of the signs that a person’s mind is somewhere else, but it might not be another man (or woman). It could be about work, it could be about money, it could be stress, it could be he’s worried about a friend or a family member. You just don’t know until you sit down and speak with him.

    Unfortunately, sometimes our darkest fears of being cheated on turn out to be true but that doesn’t necessarily mean we have to chuck everything away. You can, if you want to, work through your problems. Relationships can be salvaged, you have to be honest with yourself about what you want.

    However, it starts with a conversation.

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  • ADVICE | Did I catch Herpes?

    ADVICE | Did I catch Herpes?

    Dear Jose,

    A f*ck buddy of mine has just told me he has genital herpes but says he’s never had it whilst we’ve had sex.

    Can I still get herpes if he’s not got an outbreak?

    Tim.

    Dear Tim,

    Genital Herpes is an infection caused by the herpes simplex virus (HSV), which can cause painful blisters in your genital area. It can be passed from person to person during sexual contact and is a long-term condition. The virus remains in your body and can become active at any time. HSV can affect any mucous membrane, any moist lining, such as your mouth – and can cause cold sores.

    So, unless he has an active herpes infection, that is visible lesions then it is unlikely that you will be at risk of contracting herpes.

    However, if he is infected he should be undergoing treatment. This lowers the risk of catching herpes even further but as the virus is transmitted by skin to skin contact I would recommend that you go and get checked at your local sexual health clinic.

    Using condoms or a dental dam (if you’re rimming) are great ways to further lower the risk of herpes, or other STIs passing from one person to another.

    There are various treatments for herpes you can buy online to help you with the symptoms. However, you may need a prescription.

    The advice listed above is not intended to replace or take the place of that of your own doctor, GP or medical professional who knows your full medical history. If in any doubt make an appointment with your doctor as soon as possible.

    Have you got a question for our experts? Click here to write to our Dilemma’s page.

  • DILEMMAS | Should We Have An Open Relationship?

    DILEMMAS | Should We Have An Open Relationship?

    Dear Agony Uncle

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 3 years. Over the past few weeks we have been rowing constantly. He hadn’t been with any guys before me and felt that he’d missed out on a lot. He says he loves me but needs more. He’s suggested that we have an open relationship and that we’re both free to go with other men. I’m not interested in sleeping with anyone else. I’m not sure if it’s what I want from a relationship but I’m afraid if I don’t agree to it, he’ll just cheat on me and leave anyway? If I do agree to it, he might meet someone else.

    Jack

    Hi Jack,

    It sounds like there is a lot happening for your relationship right now. All relationships, family sexual or romantic, go through changes and have to adapt along with the people in them. As part of this we need to renegotiate the terms and what we want from them. Although this may sound very cold and logical, of course, isn’t when it comes relationships.

    From what you say. It sounds like your boyfriend is still exploring his own sexual identity, you were the first person he slept with and has been faithful to for the past three years. He is keen to experience sex with other guys but he still wants the security and intimacy that he obviously gets from being with you.

    (C) BIGSTOCK

    The good news is you are both talking clearly about what you want. The channels of communication are very much open. You’ve discussed opening the relationship and the ramifications but has he said specifically what he’s missed out? It may be worth seeing if there is a specific aspect of sex that he wants to experiment. It may be something that you may want to try.

    It sounds like from your letter that you are not keen on the concept of an open relationship and that you would have insecurities about where it would lead. However you have also not dismissed the concept outright. This needs to be given equal weight in your discussion. As much as he has the desire to change the relationship, it’s ok if you don’t want to.

    It feels like it would be a good decision for you to talk clearly about the practicalities of it. Would he tell the men that he is in an open relationship? Will you discuss who, where and when? Would you do this before or after? In terms of the guys he will be meeting, would they just be one-off encounters? Safe sex is also a vital part of this discussion. From doing this it will help you to make a decision based on fact and not from fear.

    As I said earlier, all relationships will change and adapt. The discussion about opening the relationship is fluid. It may be the case that you try being open. If it doesn’t work for you, then you can always bring this back to the table, you can always discuss closing the relationship again. Open relationships aren’t for everyone; they require a high degree of trust and understanding. Hopefully, it gives both partners what they need to feel fulfilled.

    Have you got a dilemma you’d like our writers and experts to answer? Click here

    This article was first published in October 2013

  • DILEMMA | I’m 53 and I’m finding it hard to get it up

    DILEMMA | I’m 53 and I’m finding it hard to get it up

    Dear Doctor

    Finding it hard to get an erection not sure if this is normal for my age (53) and is affecting how I feel when having sex.

    What can I do to make sure I can get hard and stay hard?

    John

    Dr Nitin Shori is Medical Director of the Pharmacy2U Online Doctor service answers:

    Hi John,

    Let me first reassure that you are not alone in suffering in this way and that help is available. It’s estimated that half of all men between the ages of 40 and 70 have some form of erectile dysfunction.

    It’s often referred to as impotence and it is a very common, treatable condition.

    To understand the reasons for erectile dysfunction, it’s important to know how an erection occurs. When aroused, your brain sends signals to the blood vessels in your penis, relaxing the arteries and allowing blood to flow in. The veins then close to trap the blood in your penis, causing it to expand and harden.

    Anything that interferes with this process can lead to erectile dysfunction. Causes of the condition can be broken down into two categories: physical and psychological.

    Physical causes of erectile dysfunction can include low testosterone and diabetes as well as prostate problems.

    Psychological factors can include stress or being unhappy, anxiety or depression. If psychological problems are interfering with your ability to get or maintain an erection, a psychotherapist specialising in sexual difficulties may also be able to help you.

    A consultation with your own GP or the Pharmacy2U Online Doctor service will establish whether you could be prescribed one of a range of effective erectile dysfunction treatments that are available on prescription.

    They all work in slightly different ways to significantly improve a man’s ability to obtain a hard erect penis suitable for sexual activity.

    The advice listed above is not intended to replace or take the place of that of your own doctor, GP or medical professional who knows your full medical history. If in any doubt make an appointment with your doctor as soon as possible.

    Do you have a sexual or emotional question for our experts? Click here

    This article was first published September 2017 and has been updated

  • DILEMMA | Do I Masturbate Too Much?

    DILEMMA | Do I Masturbate Too Much?

    A reader asks whether he playing with himself too much.

    Hi! I’m a 22-year-old and I’ve been really worried about something.

    A couple of months ago I attended some acupuncture sessions at college because I was recommended that I should do something about the pretty stressed life I was having. It turns out they use some Chinese method and it surprised me when one of the therapists told me that I had to stop masturbating.

    I can’t tell how on earth she did to figure that out, but from that moment on I started to feel that was serious. She told me it was necessary for me to stop because of something I didn’t get, something about one’s energy and stuff. Even though I didn’t understand her arguments, I had already had this feeling that perhaps I was “waxing my dolphin” too much. The thing is, I can’t help it.

    I’ve been trying to stop, but there always comes a moment when I just need to do it (I can do it twice a night). Sometimes I just can’t sleep at night and the only thing that makes me sleepy is self-pleasure. Is it that I’m becoming addicted to it? Is it wrong for my body, for my virility?

    Somehow I agreed with the therapist who told me to stop because she mentioned energy. When I masturbate I do feel nice, but I don’t feel as energetic as I feel I was a couple of years ago. I’m really worried; I no longer get the powerful boners that used to wake me up a couple of years ago.

    Is there any limit when it comes to masturbation? By the way, I have no boyfriend. My life is pretty busy. Thanks for giving me some advice.

    Jason, 22

    Hello Jason

    I think we should start by saying that masturbation is perfectly normal and almost everyone has had a go at some point. How often you decide to “wax your dolphin” is completely up to you and you shouldn’t feel you need to try and stop. There isn’t a limit to how frequently you masturbate, other than how often you feel like doing it or want to do it.

    If it feels right and you’re not hurting anyone else, why deny yourself. FILE PHOTO: © ia__64 Depositphotos

    There isn’t a limit to how frequently you masturbate, other than how often you feel like doing it or want to do it.

    Some of the problems you’re describing such as a lack of energy and no longer getting strong erections that wake you up could be related to the stress that led to you go for acupuncture in the first place. Overall there are no adverse affects from masturbating and if it’s something you enjoy then I think you should go for it.

    Jenna and Jake

    Got a problem you’d like advice on? Click here to speak to us

    This article was first published in December 2012.

  • DILEMMA | No one is ever going to love me, my life is spiralling out of control

    DILEMMA | No one is ever going to love me, my life is spiralling out of control

    Dear Uncle,

    My life has been spiralling down the drain. I hate the way I look, I don’t like my attitude or my mood swings. I’m not doing very well in college and I think I’m going to fail my course. I want to move aboard, but doubt this will be able to happen as I’ve no money and no qualifications.

    On top of all that, I’ve not had a boyfriend and really can’t see it happening for me. Who’d want to go out with someone like me?

    I feel like such a loser and I feel like I’m at the end of my tether.

    Brandon, 21

    Dear Brandon.

    I want to thank you for reaching out to me.

    Recognising that you’re unhappy or that you’re reaching the end of your tether is so powerful. It’s so seemingly simple yet can feel like the most difficult thing in the world to admit.

    First off, some practical things you can do for yourself. Booking an appointment with your doctor / GP, is something you should seriously consider doing. You may have some underlying depression which they can help you with. When the doc asks you why you’re there to see them, don’t hold back. Tell them everything you’ve mentioned here today.

    Secondly, talk to your course leaders. They can help you and go through some of your options with you particularly important if you think you’re going to fail.

    I am very, very sure they’ll be understanding. Also while we’re on the subject of college or Uni, book to see the campus counsellor. Believe me, they are a beacon of light. When I had issues when I was at uni, my counsellor really helped me work stuff out. Something I will never forget and something I will be eternally grateful for. Those 45 minutes with her were, at my lowest, the most treasured 45 minutes of my week.

    Thirdly and I know this sounds weird, but make sure you’ve got food in your fridge (it doesn’t have to be lavish or expensive) or fruit in your fruit bowl. Make your bed every morning and carry a pen and paper everywhere you go, to write down notes and make lists.

    Sometimes, especially at the moment because of Coronavirus and all the mounting pressures on us all, life can creep up on us and unless we’re dealing with problems or issues right away, they can feel like massive mountains that we can’t climb. A tidy bed, a good meal and a place to organise your thoughts could really help iron out some of the bumps you’re feeling right now.

    Loving yourself

    As for love and the possibility of someone ever loving you. It’s such a cliché but you got to love yourself first and the next step to loving yourself is making sure you’re still with us.

    You may feel dark right now, but even the longest night must eventually give way to the morning.

    Who knows what the future holds, but I really hope you’re around to experience it.

    Please reach out to the Samaritans if you need to talk to someone. They are available online 24/7 or calling 116 123.

    Also, you can reach out to TheMix who specialise in supporting people under the age of 25.

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