THEGAYUK

Author: Barry Heap

  • DILEMMAS | Should We Have An Open Relationship?

    DILEMMAS | Should We Have An Open Relationship?

    Dear Agony Uncle

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 3 years. Over the past few weeks we have been rowing constantly. He hadn’t been with any guys before me and felt that he’d missed out on a lot. He says he loves me but needs more. He’s suggested that we have an open relationship and that we’re both free to go with other men. I’m not interested in sleeping with anyone else. I’m not sure if it’s what I want from a relationship but I’m afraid if I don’t agree to it, he’ll just cheat on me and leave anyway? If I do agree to it, he might meet someone else.

    Jack

    Hi Jack,

    It sounds like there is a lot happening for your relationship right now. All relationships, family sexual or romantic, go through changes and have to adapt along with the people in them. As part of this we need to renegotiate the terms and what we want from them. Although this may sound very cold and logical, of course, isn’t when it comes relationships.

    From what you say. It sounds like your boyfriend is still exploring his own sexual identity, you were the first person he slept with and has been faithful to for the past three years. He is keen to experience sex with other guys but he still wants the security and intimacy that he obviously gets from being with you.

    (C) BIGSTOCK

    The good news is you are both talking clearly about what you want. The channels of communication are very much open. You’ve discussed opening the relationship and the ramifications but has he said specifically what he’s missed out? It may be worth seeing if there is a specific aspect of sex that he wants to experiment. It may be something that you may want to try.

    It sounds like from your letter that you are not keen on the concept of an open relationship and that you would have insecurities about where it would lead. However you have also not dismissed the concept outright. This needs to be given equal weight in your discussion. As much as he has the desire to change the relationship, it’s ok if you don’t want to.

    It feels like it would be a good decision for you to talk clearly about the practicalities of it. Would he tell the men that he is in an open relationship? Will you discuss who, where and when? Would you do this before or after? In terms of the guys he will be meeting, would they just be one-off encounters? Safe sex is also a vital part of this discussion. From doing this it will help you to make a decision based on fact and not from fear.

    As I said earlier, all relationships will change and adapt. The discussion about opening the relationship is fluid. It may be the case that you try being open. If it doesn’t work for you, then you can always bring this back to the table, you can always discuss closing the relationship again. Open relationships aren’t for everyone; they require a high degree of trust and understanding. Hopefully, it gives both partners what they need to feel fulfilled.

    Have you got a dilemma you’d like our writers and experts to answer? Click here

    This article was first published in October 2013

  • 6 Gay Simpsons episodes you need to watch

    6 Gay Simpsons episodes you need to watch

    Disney + hit the UK last month giving the gays unlimited viewing of princess films, High School Musical and Marvel hunks. However as Disney bought Fox last year and gained access to their back catalogue, For the first time every series of the Simpsons is available to stream online, every episode from the past 30 seasons.

    Debuting in 1989 The Simpsons have become a television staple and global phenomenon. The series itself focuses on the family but part of its endearing charm and endurance has been its expansive cast of neighbours, relatives and townspeople. Over the course of the show’s history, there has been an inclusion of LGBT characters and storylines. With every episode available at the click of a remote I thought it was time to take a retrospective on some of the landmark episodes.

    Homer’s Phobia

    The first episode to tackle LGBTQ issues head-on was “Homer’s Phobia”  Featuring “pink Flamingos” director and writer John Walters as John the owner of a local Kitsch shop that the family stumble upon. They become fast friends and John explains the concept of camp. The next day Homer remarks to Marge and Lisa that they should invite John and his wife over. Once it’s explained to him that John prefers the “company of men”  homer remarks “who doesn’t”, Homer then gets the gay panic which is played for laughs with Marge being the voice of reason. He comments that he is a simple man who likes “beer cold, tv loud and homosexuals flaming”. There is also a discussion on the reclamation of the word queer.

    As the episode progresses Bart begins to copy John’s mannerisms leading to his fear that his son might be gay. This leads to homer taking Bart on a conversion therapy road trip including looking at soft porn cigarette ads and a trip to -ironically- an all gay steel mill. After enlisting Barney and Moe on a hunting trip the quartet ends up cornered by some frenzied Reindeer. John Saves the day with a robotic Santa and earns Homer’s respect.

    This episode debuted in 1997 and I was worried it might not have aged well given the attitudes and representations of the time. However, and I suspect due to Walters involvement, it feels as fresh and relevant today as it did back then. John is never the subject of the joke and Homer’s fear and ignorance is largely framed and ridiculed.

    Three Gays and a Condo

    The next episode came in 2003 “Three Gays and a Condo” sees Homer move out of the family home after feeling Marge only married him because she was pregnant and trapped. Homer moves into a condo with Grady and Julio. Homer embraces the trappings of a gay lifestyle, Brunch, designer clothes, skincare and dancing shirtless in a gay bar. He is trying to reconcile with Marge but still carries doubts. Grady kisses him and Homer’s heterosexuality is confirmed as he runs back to Marge and tells Grady “I’d only break your heart”.

    This episode introduces Julio played by Simpsons MVP Hank Azaria who is basically an animated version of the character he played in The Birdcage opposite Robin Williams. This episode feels a lot more pun and cliche based than the previous episodes’ social commentary. We are introduced to “West Springfield” the gay district. The shops include Fab Abs, Armistead mopeds, Stonewall bakery and Victor/Victorias.

    It also has a cameo by Weird Al Yankovich.

    There’s something about Marrying

    Attitudes had begun to change by 2005 and same-sex marriage was no longer considered abnormal and laws were being changed. The Simpsons presented “There’s something about Marrying” where Springfield passes a law allowing same-sex marriage as a cynical tourism move to grab the pink pound. The only issue is that the church won’t allow it. Ever the opportunist Homer gets ordained as a minister online and sets up a registry office in the garage.

    It’s popular and queues form. Homer’s best line is “who’s next Adam and Steve or madam and Eve”.

    The drama comes one step closer to home as Marge’s sister Patty wants to be married to another woman. This comes as a shock to Marge, who through the use of a montage is shown to be in deep denial over her overt lesbianism. Marge discovers that Patty’s bride is actually a man posing as a lady golfer to get a competitive edge, all secrets are exposed at the wedding and Patty and Selma walk off into the sunset as chain-smoking spinsters.

    It’s nice to see cracks in the usually tolerant Marge, who struggles when it’s a member of her own family. It’s also nice to see the show establish an existing character as being something other than heterosexual. Homer being a minister marrying gay couples is a nice growth, yes it’s motivated by greed but it’s still nice to see. However when he offers to marry anyone to anything, it’s a little bit of a back step when framed against same-sex marriage, but that’s 2005 I guess!

    Flaming Moe

    Smithers gets his first feature in 2011’s “Flaming Moe” having long been Mr Burns’ closeted right-hand man, he had always had a nod and a wink in the previous episodes. He takes centre stage her after learning Mr Burns did not respect him and has not included him in his will. Feeling dejected he attempts to enter the local gay club but is not allowed in as he is too average looking. He finds himself at Moe’s tavern and learns that Moe is broke. The two go into business turning Moes into a gay bar for the average man. The men assume Moe is gay and get him to stand for public office. Smithers is against it as he knows Moe is straight. The plot comes to a conclusion when Moe is unable to kiss Smithers in public and comes out as straight much to the crowd’s dismissal. Once they have dispersed, Moe kisses him and remarks “like frisbee golf, glad I tried it, won’t go back again”.

    This is an odd episode, it fits into the “Moe’s tavern gets a makeover” and lampoons previous episodes of this type. Smithers’ plotline never seems to go anywhere, the focus shifts to Moe halfway through and there’s a weird subplot involving Skinner falling in love with a substitute music teacher with guest voices of Kristen Wiig and Alyson Hannigan. It feels like there are three episodes in one and none really gets the time to develop. There’s literally one scene of the Moe’s regulars dealing with the culture shock of their regular bar becoming an LGBT space. It feels like an earlier season would have got more humour out of that rather than just having it immediately accepted.

    Burns Cage

    By 2016 it was finally time for the Burns/Smithers’ relationship to take centre stage. “Burns Cage” sees Smithers’ realise he will never get the attention he craves from Burns and question his future. His co-workers decide to help. Lenny declares “we need to find him the right woman…who can find him the right man”.

    They go onto Grindr (finding George Takei and Gay Homer). Smithers ends up with Julio and falling in love, and walking out of the plant. But ultimately after living his own life, Smithers ends up returning to Burns and the pair reach a new understanding, with Burns grading Smithers work as “excellent”.

    Smithers gets some long-overdue focus and resolution to one of the series longest subplots. It’s great that they have managed to move away from stereotypes and stunts and back into character-focused comedy. However, the unnecessary subplot with Milhouse playing a lead role in the school production of Casablanca rumbles along. However, it intersects with the main plot when Smithers and Milhouse have conversations around unrequited love. It gives the characters a nice parallel.

    Werking Mom

    The most recent episode from the latest season is “Werking Mom” which involves Marge becoming a Tupperware saleswoman and getting successful after a drag makeover gives her confidence. The gay community assumes she is a drag queen and embraces her. It’s a Marge story about embracing her “inner warrior woman”. Homer accidentally outs her and apologies by getting his own drag makeover and understanding her journey.

    Honestly, this feels like a story based around having a RuPaul cameo, It’s a wafer-thin plot that feels very much tied into the current pop culture explosion of drag. If anything it highlights how far the show has come in its portrayal of LGBT culture. Being in drag and a gay bar are just plot points when it comes to telling Marge’s story. It’s interesting that they choose to put a female character in drag to embrace their inner diva. 

    I’m sure in years to come there will be more episodes and changes to both acceptance and portrayal. We have seen Gay, Bisexual and Lesbian characters represented in Springfield, the next logical step would be to see a trans character. Ideally, an established character transitioning would be great to see, however, I’m not sure how well this could be handled within a 22-minute episode, especially if they contain an unrelated subplot as seems to be the show’s structure.

  • DILEMMAS | My boyfriend wants us to have an open relationship, but I’m worried this will be the end of us

    DILEMMAS | My boyfriend wants us to have an open relationship, but I’m worried this will be the end of us

    Reader Jack asks our experts whether he and his partner should open up their relationship.

    Dear TGUK.

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 3 years. Over the past few weeks we have been rowing constantly. He hadn’t been with any guys before me and felt that he’d missed out on a lot. He says he loves me but needs more. He’s suggested that we have an open relation and that we’re both free to go with other men. I’m not interested in sleeping with anyone else. I’m not sure if it’s what I want from a relationship but I’m afraid if I don’t agree to it, he’ll just cheat on me and leave anyway? If I do agree to it, he might meet someone else.

    Jack

     

     

    Hi Jack,

    It sounds like there is a lot happening for your relationship right now. All relationships, family sexual or romantic, go through changes and have to adapt along with the people in them. As part of this we need to renegotiate the terms and what we want from them. Although this may sound very cold and logical, of course isn’t when it comes relationships.

    From what you say. It sounds like your boyfriend is still exploring his own sexual identity, you were the first person he slept with and has been faithful to for the past three years. He is keen to experience sex with other guys but he still wants the security and intimacy that he obviously gets from being with you.

    The good news is you are both talking clearly about what you want. The channels of communication are very much open. You’ve discussed opening the relationship and the ramifications but has he said specifically what he’s missed out? It may be worth seeing if there is a specific aspect of sex that he wants to experiment. It may be something that you may want to try.

    It sounds like from your letter that you are not keen on the concept of an open relationship and that you would have insecurities about where it would lead. However you have also not dismissed the concept outright. This needs to be given equal weight in your discussion. As much as he has the desire to change the relationship, it’s ok if you don’t want to.

    It feels like it would be a good decision for you to talk clearly about the practicalities of it. Would he tell the men that he is in an open relationship? Will you discuss who, where and when? Would you do this before or after? In terms of the guys he will be meeting, would they just be one off encounters? Safe sex is also a vital part of this discussion. From doing this it will help you to make a decision based on fact and not from fear.

    As I said earlier, all relationships will change and adapt. The discussion about opening the relationship is fluid. It may be the case that you try being open. If it doesn’t work for you, then you can always bring this back to the table, you can always discuss closing the relationship again. Open relationships aren’t for everyone; they require a high degree of trust and understanding. Hopefully it gives both partners what they need to feel fulfilled.

     

    Have you got a dilemma you’d like us to answer? Click here to visit our dilemmas page.

  • 5 tips on how to keep your New Years resolutions

    5 tips on how to keep your New Years resolutions

    Midnight hits and we all imagine that we can become a different person; the parts of ourselves that are less than perfect come under intense scrutiny. And indeed it is certainly a bleak outlook; only 8% keep to their resolutions, with most of the drop off being within the first week. So how do I commit to my new year’s resolution and actually make it work for me.

    CREDIT: Alen-D / Big Stock

    1) Planning
    Ok boring I know, but if you want to be successful in any way you need to prepare. This comes in many forms. For example, if you are trying a healthy eating plan, the leftover food and chocolates will only act as temptation. If you are joining a gym or taking part in any sports activity, make sure you have the correct equipment ready to go. A calendar is your best weapon on making any form of change as it will help you integrate the change around your existing lifestyle and responsibilities.

    2) Be realistic
    This is key to why most resolutions fail. It can be that people want the end goal without working towards it. With some things you may see immediate results and feel the benefit however most life changing goals are slow burners. For example, if you want to quit smoking are you equipped to go cold turkey on the first of January after smoking 20 a day for the last three years? With any form of addiction either replacement or substitution is proven to be more effective in the long term.

    3) Motivation
    So you’ve made the resolutions, you’ve tweeted it, set it up on Facebook so the world can see how serious you are about it. Why are you doing it? If it wasn’t New Year’s Eve and everybody else wasn’t making outrageous claims would you still care about your goal. Realistically making any change in life is hard. With anything in life we have peaks and troughs in activity and it is motivation that pulls us through the low periods.

    If you are joining a gym there is also a financial implication that will be in place long after January has faded. If you are making a lifestyle change, you need to be able to follow through on.

    4) Fad to Habit
    Different experts hold different opinions on how long it takes for a habit to form. The general census seems to land it between 21-28 days before the new activity has become part of your routine. If you make it past the first month you are doing excellently but habits can still be broken and it is not safe to assume that you have made a change for life

    5) Be kind to yourself
    Strict and firm boundaries are important to adapting to any lifestyle changes. You’ll tell yourself it doesn’t matter if you miss today’s gym session or had a smoke while you were drunk. It does – you’ve broken the promise you made to yourself.

    However, it’s not worth chucking away all the progress you’ve made so far. You’re human and you made a mistake, it’s worth remembering that Rome wasn’t built in a day and Ben Cohen didn’t get unreasonably hot over night!

  • DILEMMAS | I’m Afraid I’ll Be Left Alone

    DILEMMAS | I’m Afraid I’ll Be Left Alone

    This week we help answer a reader’s worries about the dating scene and fears of being left behind.

    CREDIT: Ocus Focus / Bigstock

    Dear Dilemmas

    I’ve been single for so long and I really hate it. All my friends have partners or are married and I’m starting to feel like I’m the only one without someone.

    I live in a small town and there is no gay scene locally, so this leaves me with the only option of meeting guys online. Most of the websites seem geared towards hook ups and even though I’ve made it clear on there that I’m only interested in relationships, I still get messages asking for sex.

    When I have met up with guys it never goes well, I find that I’ve text the guys loads but when we meet up there’s no chemistry, if I text back I rarely get a response. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong but it’s really starting to affect my self-confidence.

    Thanks Roy.

     

    Hi Roy,

    I can really understand where you’re coming from, sometimes it seems the rest of the world is moving on and you’re being left behind.

    When it comes to dating the most frustrating thing is people not being genuine. When the internet becomes involved the problem is doubled. I’m sure it would be hard to find any online profile that is 100% honest. However, you are genuine in your intentions, and I’m sure you are not alone.

    From your experiences, it sounds like you are placing a high level of expectation on yourself and any potential dates, it may be the case that you are giving too much of yourself to begin with and not getting a lot in return. You mention that your goal is to be a relationship; I’ve always felt that wanting a relationship before knowing the person is like trying to build a tree house before the tree has grown.

    It’s worth remembering that dating us supposed to be fun. It sounds like the whole process has become really exhausting rather than exciting. Get to know the guys you are meeting on the dates rather than through texting before. If you feel that there isn’t any chemistry, you may still be able to remain friends in the long run. When meeting guys in try focusing on the next few dates and weeks rather than the future.

    I can understand that you may feel that being online is your only access to a gay “scene”. However, I would suggest that maybe looking away from traditional dating sites and more towards non-sexual sites such as OutdoorLads and out everywhere. This will give you an opportunity to meet other gay men in a friendly and platonic way without placing too much pressure on yourself. This will help you to make friends and rebuild your self-esteem.

     

    Barry Heap

     

    The advice above has been given by our community of writers who have drawn from experiences in their own lives and is should not be considered as professional advice.

    Have you got a dilemma you’d like our writers and experts to answer? Fill in the form below. We won’t share your details with anyone outside THEGAYUK.

    ← Back

    Thank you for your response. ✨

     

  • OPINION | Why pride?

    At the moment I’m currently working to promote the third year of Warrington pride. The theme that has been selected this year is Pride. At promotional events over summer we’ve been asking people to fill out cards to say what they are proud of.

    I haven’t completed mine yet, as I’m not sure what the answer is.

    I think as a community we become a cynical old bunch. Subtle Homophobia and living in a heteronormative society means that we are outsiders. I’ve almost become numb to this fact.

    Each year we can see and attend pride events which show us the diversity across the communities. This year in Manchester Pride, my boyfriend and I were drawn into a debate as to whether or not the rubber men should be part of the parade. He felt it was not part of sexuality and was a fetish so should not be there as a part of the gay community. We disagreed because to deny any aspect of sexuality across the LGBT spectrum would force it back into the closet and place shame and guilt onto those that identify with that label. I have previously written an article on the dangers of slut-shaming and I think those lessons are prevalent here.

    I also encountered negativity within the LGBT community from people who thought that groups were not representative as a whole. Groups are there to offer peer support and help to those who need it. I don’t want or need any group to represent me or be my voice.

    I have my own.

    The bears are doing their thing and the lipstick lesbians can do their own thing. They don’t need to represent each other. The village community in Manchester is diverse and strong enough so everyone gets their own time without it feeling like they are invading each other’s space. Aside from the pride events, there are things such as the “To Russia With Love” protests earlier this year. This saw the village come together to fundraise and support the LGBT community in Russia.

    What I’m proud of is the diversity we represent. Each and every one of us came out and stood up because we refused to compromise our sense of self just to fit in.

    We didn’t want to be who people told us we should be in the “straight” world why should that change in the LGBT community. We have seen abuse, we’ve seen hatred. We’ve been the victims of cheap jokes. We’ve battled to start to gain some small measure of equality.

    But we endured and stayed together. Pride for me, is about the community. Both local and online. It’s about anyone that talks to us at a fund raising event. Even if you are straight you know someone who isn’t and that person might need support or solidarity. Pride is about being yourself and not having to compromise of your integrity or beliefs and still being able to fit into an imperfect and beautifully weird group of people like me.

    I don’t need to know what drives or inspires you. I don’t even need to know your name. I just need to accept you and hope you will accept me.

    Warrington pride is on 27th September in Queens Gardens, Warrington

    http://warringtonpride.com

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • INTERVIEW | Sam Dickinson

    Sam Smith caused quite a few headlines earlier this year when he came out, However, he’s not the only soul singer “out” there at the moment.

    Sam Dickinson has been touring and promoting his album pretty much consistently this year, along with performing in a few pride festivals.

    I grabbed some time with Sam in between gigs to pose some questions,

    What are your main musical influences?
    When I went in to record the album I really listened to artists such as Paloma Faith and Aretha Franklin, however, since I finished the album and the more I listen to it, the more I see the Northern Soul influences that keep appearing in reviews, probably because it’s bold and brassy. Vocal influences really come from artists like Mica Paris and Mick Hucknall as their skill is impeccable.

    “The Stories That Occurred” came out about a year ago, what’s changed for you in that time?
    Well not the fame and fortune I envisaged! Seriously though, I’ve learnt a lot, I’ve learnt you actually spend the least amount of time singing, which is the whole aim of making music. Luckily, I enjoy the business side of things though. I’ve also learnt that no matter who you are and what your dream is you should go and try achieving it; I said I never wanted to live my life by saying, “what if I’d done that” at any point. They’re some wise words.

    What would you do differently listening to the album now?
    I think the presentation around the first single How It Used To Be wasn’t what I wanted and I’d really rework a lot of that because it’s such a good song, a song which I thought had the most potential of being a club hit. I hadn’t really learnt how best to spend money when releasing that. I’d also liked to have included another two or three songs onto the original album but I was financially tied to just the 10 songs, it’s partly why I’m releasing the deluxe edition now, I’ve included so many remixes and acoustic songs so people can really see these songs in as many ways as they’d like.

    How important is social media to an artist launching a career now?
    VERY, especially if you’re like me and completely unsigned with no management or label. The thing about social media is that it’s allowing artists like me to make music they love and be able to reach people without paying radio pluggers and advertising campaigns. I spend a lot of time making sure everything I put out on my fan page is worthwhile and engaging so that people can see what I am up to.

    Where would you prefer to perform, a small intimate gig or large open stage at a festival?
    Both gigs have their plus points. If I’m playing a small intimate gig then I can chat more and have banter with the audience. If I’m playing a festival then it’s more about playing the songs and making the set upbeat and danceable. I really enjoy both as I love playing outdoors and I love being able to chat about the songs.

    With Sam Smith coming out it started a lot of conversations. Is it important for artists to be openly gay?
    Yes. I really struggle to understand why this is still considered an issue in the UK. Good on Sam Smith I say. The music industry has had gay people in it for years and years and yet there still seems to be some stigma or need from the media to publicise it. I really thought we’d have been past this point by now. I am glad that artists are coming out and trying to normalise the situation, it should have happened a long time ago.

    You’ve never hidden your sexuality, why was this important?
    I think because the songs I sing are autobiographical, personal and at times tug on the heartstrings. How could I portray the truth of my lyrics without being honest about who I am?

    Which new artists do you listen to?
    I listen to Paloma Faith, Sam Smith and John Newman a lot. I am loving the soul revival that is currently taking place in this country.

    You’ve had “when you left me” played on the Graham Norton show on radio 2, any TV in the pipeline?
    Never say never. I have been trying; it’s just a matter of the right show picking me up. Any TV producers reading get in touch!

    What do the next 12 months hold for you?
    Promoting When You Left Me and the album. I’ll be touring and playing live a lot more over the next year. This is all going to fund my second album and I’ll be presenting the Pride Radio Saturday Breakfast Radio Show come the end of August. It’s the UK’s biggest community LGBT radio station and one more LGBT people need to be made aware of because they’re doing great things. I’ll be busy that’s for sure!

    “The Stories That Occurred” is available on Itunes.

  • COLUMN | Gaying It Up The Marvel Comics Way

    The Marvel Now initiative was launched with the specific aim of re-launching their entire line bringing fresh ideas and voices to familiar titles.

    Part of this was to bring diversity and address the inequality balance in the line. Traditionally the core audience for American main stream comics has been an adolescent white male; however the popularity of Manga and the success of the films over the years have seen a subtle shift in the audience. Comics are no longer the exclusive domain on the geek. Alongside the publicity from the X-Men same-sex marriage and the boycott from Christian Group “one million moms’”, Comics are now increasingly geared towards LGBT readers and Marvel Now has embraced this across the line.

    The company has published Young Avengers since 2005. The concept of the team are teenagers picking up the legacy of established characters. Hulking and Wiccan have been front and centre of the team since its inception and gradually introduced as a couple. They have continued to function on the team and forming a core part of the team being portrayed as any other couple in a mainstream comic book. The series received a revamp as part of Marvel Now and a new teammate Prodigy joined the team. He was a character previously part of an X-Men offshoot title.

    Since appearing in Young Avengers he has kissed Hulking during a moment where they both thought they were going to die saying that “he has always wanted to do that” and coming out as bisexual in the next issue. This revelation is a big step for a number of reasons. Traditionally any LGBT characters on teams have been in the minority, by the end of the current series almost all of the team had either stated that they were not straight, had experimented or were curious.

    FF is a series that follows a replacement team for the Fantastic Four while the traditional team are on a voyage across time and space. The Team are teachers in an academy for students mainly consisting of children inspired by villains. There are a collection of moleoid children, minions of the mole man. In a recent issue one of the children, Tong, revealed to his brothers that he was in fact transgender and wished to be referred to in that way. She now wears a dress over her FF uniform to mark her identity. The only reaction from this was from team leader Antman, when he was told what was happening he remarked “oh, good for her” and returned to his conversation.

    As part of the remit for Marvel Now task was to introduce more female led books. She-Hulk, Black Widow and Captain Marvel all feature in their own series and Fearless Defenders charts the rise of established character Valkyrie trying to put together a team of “shield maidens” to defend Asgard.

    The start of the series introduced Dr. Annabelle Riggs, an archaeologist from a Viking dig. Annabelle kissed Valkyrie during battle and made it clear that she was attracted to her. As the story unfolded Annabelle died but found herself sharing a body with Valkyrie. The outcome from this is that we have a lesbian character not only as part of a team of women but co-leading them. Before the series ended a new character was introduced as a love interest for Annabelle.

    The Spider-Man series has long since been known for its supporting cast as well as its main character. The main series feature Peter Parker working in a think tank of geniuses. His boss Max Modell was featured in a time travel storyline, where his watch was a key part. They took the opportunity of Max showing his watch to Peter and remarking that his partner Hector gave it him as an anniversary present. What I liked about this is that it was so subtle that I missed it the first time round. Hector has since appeared as a solicitor representing Max through the series and into “Superior Spider-Man”.

    Marvel is taking great strides at the moment in introducing LGBT characters; the step seems to have been taken to represent sexuality as part of a character and not just a gimmick to boost sales. Other established characters such as Northstar, Karma, Rictor and Shatterstar continue to keep their roles within the X-Men line of books which have long since carried a metaphor about being different and “hated and feared” by society.

    However it is noticeable that Marvel does not carry a solo title featuring a gay character. DC comics have “Batwoman” which has been a commercial and critical success. Marvel series to feature LGBT characters have been restricted to limited series for Quasar and the poorly conceived “comedy” Rawhide kid.

    I believe that the next step would be for Marvel to introduce a “Northstar” title. Being part of the X-Men universe and the main stream media attention from his weddings mean that he is already known to a large section of fans and recognition from non-comic book readers.

    Aside from being the first gay hero, he is a strong, confident, sometimes arrogant-gay man. He is a celebrity within the Marvel universe already thanks to a previous sports career and public image. He is happily married which is somewhat of a departure from both comic book marriages. Of course the storyline needs to be stronger than the fact that he is a gay mutant, perhaps for someone who usually works as part of a team, it may be interesting to focus on him now being solo and the fact that he does not hide behind a mask.

    The creative team is key, as with the Carol Danvers’, “Captain Marvel” series, the writer Kelly Sue DeConnick is a talented and brilliant female writer for the flagship female character. They care about the character and have been able to build a strong and loyal fan base within the female audience.
    If the gay comic book community were to embrace the series it could certainly build a good solid audience.

    And yes, I’m available

  • OPINION | Are we to quick to slut shame?

    Slut, tramp, whore, slag, trollop, floozy, tart, Ho, skank, Loose, easy. All words that we use to describe someone of who is perceived as sexually promiscuous.

    Except we are not describing we are judging. We are perceiving someone that has sex and labelling them.
    Of course most times these descriptions were traditionally assigned to women. This is because a long time ago some men created a double standard. Men were allowed to enjoy sex, indeed virility was celebrated and seen as a positive thing.

    Last year it was okay to be Robin Thicke but not Miley Cyrus It’s based on hypocrisy. Sadly this practice has carried through to present day with some cultures even still practising female circumcision. As we are still living in a heteronormative society, we all grew up here and learnt these rules early on, so of course we carried over the practice into the gay world. We are still men after all.

    We need to stop the practice of slut-shaming.

    Why does the number of sexual partners someone has make any difference? If we are all still men then why does the double standard still exist? I speak from a position of being single for a long time and people having that perception of me to being in a relationship in present day? Have I changed as a person? No my circumstances have. But because I have a partner, I am suddenly viewed as acceptable.

    Do we slut shame because we perceive people as a threat? I mentioned the heteronormative world before, the acceptable thing for us to do is to grow up, find someone you love, settle down and have kids.

    Obviously biologically we have to skip the last step naturally, does the fear come from someone that has chosen to live outside the mainstream? Is it the same prejudice that used to apply to us being gay 50 years ago? Is the threat of the single sexually confident man about the fact they may tempt and seduce our partners away? We have to act pre-emptivly and attack them and let them know their place.

    We are deciding that they have loose morals and dismissing them. We have reduced them as to their sex life. We don’t care about them as a person. We disregard their hopes, dreams, career and more importantly we take away their voice. We assume that they simply live their lives that way because they are only interested in hedonism. For some people that may be true however for others it may be that they are doing it because they confuse sex with love. If a man will sleep with them they must desire them and love them on some level. This was certainly not my experience; sex is a basic human need and right. In this day and age nobody should care about your sex life as long as you respect your own body and health.

    The gay world we are subject to hyper-sexualised imagery. Bars are promoted by attractive men in their underwear and little else; the magazines we buy are filled with adverts for chat lines, saunas, escorts and porn. For most of our early lives we repressed our sexual desires only to come out and be told you can look but don’t touch. Slut shaming is not healthy, useful or productive for anyone. It feeds the fears of the people doing it and degrades the victim. As a minority that faces prejudice already we should know better.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION: Cure Me I’m Gay – A Reflection

    Channel Four aired “Cure me, I’m gay” in which Dr Christian Jessen went undercover to see what gay conversion therapies are offered.

    Over the course of the programme we saw him vomiting over himself, using self-help techniques, attend an exorcism and colour in a brain with wax crayons to show where his same sex desires lay. Predictably the explanations offered were around that all gay men have a distant father or were abused as a child. By the end of the programme, the good doctor retook a test to see where his sexual attraction was. He was still 100% gay.

    Conversion therapy has been around in many forms and for as long as therapy itself. Previously electro shock therapy and aversion therapy were the most well-known forms. It speaks volumes that the American Psychiatric Association, UK council for psychotherapy and the BACP have all spoken out against the so called “reparative” therapies in the past.

    In 2012 the British association of Counsellors and psychotherapist’s chose to write directly to its members to advise that it now opposes ‘any psychological treatment such as ‘reparative’ or ‘conversion’ therapy which are based upon the assumption that homosexuality is a mental disorder, or based on the premise that the client/patient should change his/her sexuality.’

    As this is the largest professional body of psychotherapists it was an important move and showed that as an industry, therapists were opposed to any kind of therapy that does not respect and support sexual orientation.

    In the past there have been some pretty horrific examples of conversion therapy:

    • In 2012, GP Marc Craddock, a doctor in Sydney Australia was struck off for prescribing a chemical castration drug for use as a gay cure to an 18 year old man.
    • In 2012, Lesley Pilkington, a Christian psychotherapist appealed against a BACP ruling that she was negligent for offering to change a client’s sexuality.
    • Dr Paul Miller would encourage clients to become sexually aroused in therapy sessions and believed that all homosexuality stemmed from the lack of a father figure. He previously ran the Abeo umbrella organisation for therapists looking to practise gay conversion therapy
    • During an undercover investigation back in 2010 for the Independent, reporter Patrick Studwick was told that it was “very Likely” that he had been abused as child and this had caused his homosexuality, oh and AIDS can be cured by prayer.
    These are the types of people that say that I’m mentally ill or under a prolonged psychosis.

    I think it is worth revisiting Freud at this point. Sigmund Freud is of course the founding father of psychiatry. In 1935, a mother wrote to him asking him to cure her son’s sexuality. Freud’s response was:

    “Homosexuality is assuredly no advantage, but it is nothing to be ashamed of, no vice, no degradation; it cannot be classified as an illness; we consider it to be a variation of the sexual function, produced by a certain arrest of sexual development. Many highly respectable individuals of ancient and modern times have been homosexuals, several of the greatest men among them. (Plato, Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, etc). It is a great injustice to persecute homosexuality as a crime –and a cruelty, too.”

    As a therapist myself I find it abhorrent that in 2014 reparative therapy is still offered. To think that clients who are clearly suffering from a huge amount of shame and guilt over their sexuality that they would go to a therapist is heart-breaking.

    To think they are delivered to a therapist who would not help and support them in their journey towards self-acceptance but instead strengthen the belief that something is wrong angers me more than I can ever express. The programme certainly offered some good discussion but all in all just highlighted that conversion therapy is flawed and shows no evidence of being effective, helpful or of any value to those undertaking it.

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | The Rise And Rise of the GBF

    Another year another Hack comes forward talking about the virtue of having a gay best friend and why they are essential. I’ve done the check list to make sure all the clichés are covered so you don’t have to do read it.

    • In touch with his feminine side
    • Identifying female attribute to male (Queen, flouncing ET all)
    • “soul mate”
    • List of things that we share in common
    • Allusion to gay best friend being better than a partner.

    Of course all the girls want a Stanford character in their life’s so they can play at being Carrie. The gay best friend figure is seen as someone there to provide unconditional support, impeccable fashion advice, hugs and sympathy that a straight friend are magically unable to offer. They are camp and hilarious always ready to provide some kind of double entendre. They will joke about sex but essentially they are sexless.

    This isn’t a TV show.

    My best friend is Nina, female and we’ve been friends for the past 15 years. We used to work together while going through uni. We’ve both gone into different careers. She is a solicitor I’m a therapist she has a term for me, it’s “best Friend”. The fact that I am gay is totally irrelevant.

    As she will no doubt attest to having lived with me, I am not in touch with my feminine side and my fashion advice is anything but impeccable. We have similar interests, movies, music books etc. but don’t all best friends? After all why would you be friends with someone that you have nothing in common?

    We have supported each other through so much over the years; to list it here would be the most depressing checklist ever. The respect and support is mutual. As is the judgement that comes from your best friend when you are in the wrong, is always conveyed in no uncertain terms. We laugh together and cry together, we have seen marriages and relationships of our mutual friends fall apart while we are still standing strong.

    If I marry my partner, she will be the best Woman. I’m still a groom and she is still a woman. We have joked that on the wedding day I will make her wear a wedding dress for the photos. Mainly just to mess with people’s minds. We also have the same warped sense of humour.

    We’ve fallen out of bars together, seen each other through bad relationships, embraced new fads that have come along and now quite happily exchange recipe tips over a brew. We’ve changed and evolved together and provide each other with a mutually supportive relationship. We both have partners that we are quite happy with and there is nothing lacking in our lives.

    So is it time to retire the “GBF” title?. Last year Tesco had a gay best friend doll on sale as a novelty gift that was swiftly withdrawn. Why? Maybe the times has changed, a friendship should be based on commonality and loyalty rather that sexuality. Every so often another one of these articles will appear praising the attributes of the gay best friend and talking about how essential they are to the authors lifestyle. But ask yourself this, are they describing a caricature from a bad movie or a real flesh and blood person. By using the term “Gay Best Friend” , they are prioritising the sexuality and losing the essence of the person and the relationship. Its not homophobic just a narrow-minded and outdated way of thinking.
    I am not her gay best friend, she is not my straight best friend. We’re best friends

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.