THEGAYUK

Author: Owen Redahan

  • Advice: How To Deal With A Breakup

    Lots of people hope to meet someone special and to live the rest of their lives with them. It seems to be a drive in us. But in the physically-focused gay world, most of us jump from short term relationships to short term relationship. Causing great pain and questions about how good we are and how attractive we are.

    But if we do break-up so often why is it so painful? Most therapists believe that ending a relationship is similar to losing someone through death. The future together and plans of happiness are smashed. And it doesn’t matter if you broke up with them or they broke up with you, the pain of not having that person around can be great.

    The end of a relationship needs to be mourned. To move on you have to go through the pain of accepting the loss and change in your life. And it takes time. This is something that cannot be instantly be fixed. Jumping into activities or new relationships may help a little but won’t sure everything. They may be a distraction but in the end the loss of a relationship will catch up with you.

    First thing is to focus on yourself. Find time for just you and think, and perhaps cry, over the future you are now not going to have. List your good points and even ask your friends to tell you what they see your good points are.

    Write a letter to your ex but please, please do not send it. Tell him or her why you are better off without them, and why you will find an even better relationship. Put it away for 2 days, then read it and tear it up or burn it. You may want to repeat this exercise a few times as you begin to get over the break-up.

    Good friends will want to help but may feel awkward and maybe not sure what to do. Friends who deal with their breakups by denying them may encourage you to find someone new. There are those who think if you have fallen off a bicycle the best thing is to get back on quickly. But only you can decide how quickly you want to recover. Most of us need time to reflect and to heal our wounds.

    Of course, there is the temptation to get back together again with that partner if only to prove that there is nothing wrong with you. To prove that you are still attracted to them. maybe even to show them what they are missing. And it can be seen as a great way to ease the loneliness. Happy couples all around you may encourage you to think that you still could be happy too. And yes it might happen. Only you will know why you really broke up, and only you will know whether the relationship can be sorted or not.

    If you feel you may get back together then stop and look critically at what the problem with your relationship was. Was it just sex driven? Unromantic I know, but you need to be practical. What were the problems and are they really repairable?

    This may be a time where you need to talk to someone independent. Talking to someone who is not part of your life could add to how you see your life and relationships and may help you find your way forward. But your happiness is important. If you are not happy with your relationship get out. There will be someone out there for you. It just may take a bit of time to find them.

  • OPINION | Coming Out? Won’t someone think of the parents?

    For a lot of people, even with today’s increasing acceptance of gay men and women, declaring one’s ‘different’ sexuality or ‘coming out’ is difficult and complicated. Society doesn’t expect straight teenagers to stand up and declare they like the opposite sex (i.e. heterosexual) – it’s still normally assumed. But gay teenagers do have to make a public declaration.

    So, accepting that you aren’t the same as your family, and most of your peers, can create emotional turmoil. It takes strength of character to be different. On top of that telling others about this very personal part of you can be uncomfortable.

    As the actor, Ben Whishaw, recently said in an interview with the Sunday Times, “It’s hard to have a conversation with people you’ve known your whole life about a very intimate thing. It’s massively weighted with all sorts of stuff, whatever the wider world is saying… it’s an intimate and private and difficult conversation for most people.”

    For most young adults, gay or straight, talking about sex to their parents is embarrassing. Having the added element of not being of the same sexual persuasion as them is even more challenging no matter what some may believe. Yes, there is an increased awareness and lots of gay soap opera characters and gay celebrities but, if your are heterosexual, finding out that your son or daughter is not of the same sexual inclination as you can take some adjusting.

    Unfortunately, for family and friends, because of this increased awareness, there can be an attitude of ‘just get over it’ or parents should accept you for what you are – if they love you. There is a general expectation that the acceptance of people with different sexual attractions should be easy and almost immediate. But life is really not like that, and for quite a few parents, and family members and friends, a coming out announcement is a challenge.

    A lot of focus, quite rightly, is placed on helping gay individuals who are confused about their feelings. In time most come to accept who they are. Little support, however, is given to parents, siblings and friends. They are expected, almost immediately, to accept a ‘different’ son or daughter to the one they thought they knew – a person that perhaps the coming-out individual has spent years learning to accept.

    Acceptance usually takes time and mistakes are made. Because of this family and friends can suffer feelings of guilt, loss and shame. The fact that these feelings are understandable doesn’t make it easier. Sometimes, because of religious or cultural beliefs that have been part of a parent’s whole life, it can become almost impossible.

    Learning that a child, sibling or friend is gay, lesbian or bisexual can feel like discovering that the person you knew is actually someone different. In fact, a person who has come out hasn’t changed; they are still the person that parents loved and cared for. But they, the parents, have to come to terms with new information about their child. And as they are heterosexual this is an area they have little experience in.

    There may be a sense of mourning for the loss of what society still sees as the ideal – a wedding and grandchildren, or nephews and nieces. There may be guilt – “what did I do wrong and what will the extended family and neighbours think?”. Anger is also not unusual – “How could they deceive me and let me think of a future that wasn’t to be or do things behind my back?”.

    All of these feelings are normal. Sometimes these feelings can be worked through by talking to the son or daughter who has ‘come out’; sometimes talking to others in the same situation can bring about a normality or even a realisation that the end of the world is not actually nigh. In some situations there may be a need to talk to a professional, such as a counsellor, so that one can explore one’s feelings without judgement.

    Remember, few parents are lucky enough to be able to accept the coming-out announcement without confusion and maybe anger. For most it can take time and may be difficult to adjust; but you, as the person who has gone through your own acceptance, has the control. You actually have some idea of what they may be going through too.

    You are the one to help them on the way forward. But you may have to be patient and remember the trip you have travelled to get where you are. Just don’t lose a father or mother, sibling or friend because they have not quite reacted the way you wanted them to. Give them time and remember your learning and acceptance about yourself also wasn’t instant.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • Not Cumming Out – Delayed Ejaculation

    Guys have it hard. Or at least when sex isn’t explosive life can get a bit challenging. Physical intimacy, including penetration, is so enjoyable but when something goes wrong then it can really go wrong.

    You cum too quickly. You can’t get it up. You get it up but it goes down again. You meet a guy you fancy but can’t figure out if he is top or bottom. Then it turns out that you both want the same and neither are prepared to try the other position. He wants to do something you haven’t heard of much less tried.

    But all of the above are more or less well known about. And you’d probably be able to find a mate to talk about it. But there is one sexual issue that remains in the closet – delayed ejaculation (DE). DE is exactly what it says on the label. You have great difficulty in cumming. But why on earth is that a problem? It must be great to be able to shag for hours and not cum. To be able to take on one guy after another. Actually, it’s not all that it’s cut out to be.

    Our fundamental sexual desire is to ejaculate – to spread our seeds. If we don’t achieve that or it takes too long to do so we can get depressed. If we’re in and out of a hole for too long both our cock and partner will get sore. And the likelihood is that he has already cum, maybe even twice. If that’s the case he may begin to feel that there is something wrong with him. Or you begin to think that there is something fundamentally wrong with your techniques and wonder why you can never cum with a guy who really turns you on. In fact DE can cause considerable anxiety, distress and loss of sexual confidence.

    It is estimated that between 2 to 10 percent of men can suffer DE at some time of their lives and there seems to be a trend of it happening more as you get older. It has also been recently observed in men who watch a lot of porn. This could be because you are used to the stimulation that your hand gives or it may be because you are ‘trained’ to react to screen pictures. Because this isn’t a common disorder there is little research on the issue and so practitioners struggle to understand the issues and to help those affected.

    There are believed to be a number of potential causes. Some men have always suffered from DE from puberty. This can mean that they think it normal until they come upon a partner who questions their sexual abilities. DE may be tied in with a strict upbringing, a family who didn’t talk about sex and men who control their lives for a number of reasons but there could be an issue around sexuality acceptance.

    The second type of DE is situation induced. You can be happy squirting your spunk everywhere and then you suddenly find you can’t. There could be a number of reasons. For example how a partner makes you feel; stress at work; fear of penetrating either the anus or a mouth or something happened to you while you were having sex.

    Can it be cured? That depends. In general yes it can be helped but it could mean that you have to retrain your sexual techniques. You may even have to abstain from sex for a period of time including wanking off. The best thing to do is talk either to your GP if you think you have a problem or a counsellor.

    But whatever you do don’t suffer alone. Finding out that you are not the only one with delayed ejaculation is the first step. Accepting that you have a problem is the next. And doing something about it could change your life. Don’t worry GPs and therapists know about delayed ejaculation – you are not alone. Cum out and tell someone.

     

    by Owen Redahan

     

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  • THEATRE REVIEW | Sex With Animals

    ★★★★★ |Sex With Animals

    ‘Sex with Animals’ is a must see for those who like one-man shows, information about animal mating habits or just want a fun filled hour. Ryan Good will keep you spellbound and leave you wanting more.

    I don’t often recommend theatre productions because watching performers is very personal and what I like may not be what you would. But Ryan Good’s ‘Sex with Animals’ is a powerful, educating and entertaining hour-long, one lion (man) show.

    Go see it. Ryan holds the audience with humour and personal insights. He has cleverly put animal sex (including humans) under the microscope. Intertwined is the story of his love life which is different to the norm but the way he explains it makes it intriguing not embarrassing.

    This is an intimate theatre but at no point did Ryan make us feel uncomfortable. In fact he got one member of the audience (I’m not saying who) to admit he had tried sucking his own penis. Well, ignoring my women readers, who hasn’t?

    Ryan’s hilarious examination of the sexual habits of the animal kingdom encourages the audience to the think about their sexual habits. At the same time he gave us a snap shot of potential different techniques.

    We got to hear of females who lick their partner’s penis whilst they are copulating (obviously not humans) and penguins who do what some religious fundamentalists think we shouldn’t do.

    Go see him tonight. If it’s midweek you’ll have time to watch his production, grab a fish and chip supper in a trendy Highbury and Islington restaurant and still be home by 10pm. If it’s the weekend you’ll feel energised to try out your chat-up lines at whatever pub or club you end up in.

    It’s just a pity about the name which I feel may put some people off. The production has nothing to do with bestiality despite what the title suggests.

    Ryan may have thought that courting controversy would help him with publicity but I feel it puts potential audiences off googling to find out what others thought of the production. Something like ‘Animal Sex’ would have served him better.
    ‘Sex with Animals’ is at the ‘Hope Theatre’, 207 Upper Street, Islington, N1 1R1 until the 21 June, starting at 7.30pm. Well worth the £10 price. For booking visit www.thehopetheatre.com

  • Is sex the glue to a relationship?

    The usual scenario for guys connecting up is eye contact across a crowded room, or in a sauna or a street and so on. A quick glance up and down and phoarr I want more of that (sometimes the eyes don’t get past a certain bulge!).

    What we see is usually the first thing that attracts us to a potential mate. Granted there are occasions when there is no immediate physical attraction and the embryo relationship starts with the enjoyment of the person’s company and conversation. But these are few and far between so will not be considered for this article.

    You move to pounce. The old chat-up lines seem to work and you get on great. In the end, whether it takes that night (or in a sauna those 5 minutes) or a week, you end up in bed. Sometimes the sex is fine sometimes it’s great. But what has really happened is your cauldron of hormones has started bubbling and you begin to be drawn in to forming a relationship with this ‘god’. Hopefully, he feels the same too.

    Gay relationships are really not much different from straight ones. Physical attraction brings two people together. Perhaps the bedding stage may be slower with heterosexuals. Women tend to want to get to know the guy but the end result is the same. Some relationship scientists believe there are three stages in relationship development – lust, attraction and attachment. All stages involve hormones.

    The first stage – the ‘I’ve got to have him’ stage is driven mainly by testosterone. As the attraction develops and we become attracted to each other, the second stage, testosterone continues to drive things along but the hormones dopamine, serotonin and adrenaline become important. This is the period when we feel we’re ‘in love’. It’s the romantic period when the other person is in our minds most of the time. We just know they are the one.

    Dopamine focuses on the neurotransmitters and is not very different to some addictive drugs such as heroin because of the feel-good high it gives, the extra energy and a reduced need for sleep. Adrenaline increases heart beat which is why we feel more excited when we see or think of our loved one. And the increase in serotonin makes us feel a bit mad and contributes to our feelings of well-being and happiness.

    The third stage, attachment, sees another two hormones surface – oxytocin and vasopressin. This stage is vital if the relationship is to survive. But because of the addictive nature of the second stage, especially the production of dopamine, a lot of relationships don’t get this far. There is more contentment but less excitement. There is more intimacy but less explosions.

    Oxytocin is called the cuddling hormone. As human we tend to seek out touch from others. When we cuddle or just even touch the brain releases oxytocin which makes us feel calmer and helps us bond with that person. Have you ever had a bad day and found that cuddling your lover makes you forget everything? That’s oxytocin at work.

    So is sex the glue to a successful relationship? The answer is yes and no. If by relationship you mean an exciting six months of sex fuelled coupling then yes. But the effects don’t last and to have a successful, long term relationship you need to move into the attachment stage. However, because of the availability of fresh partners and the stimulating stage of first meets a lot of relationship, gay and straight, don’t last long.

    It takes work to move to the next stage and both partners need to want the slightly less exciting, but usually more fulfilling, longer term relationship. After the first six months or so, despite what is generally believed, the amount of sex declines. But something else grows and it is shared interests, mutual respect and trust, the quiet physical intimacy and emotional support that makes this next stage of a relationship so satisfying. This is the glue to long-term relationships.

    This article was taken from Issue 3 of TheGayUK

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COMMENT | Has social media taken over your life?

    The use of electronic communication over the past 5 to 10 years has boomed. Most of us use mobile phones and the majority of under 30-year-olds have smart phones. Computers are an integral part of our lives. Few send letters now. Most communicate through instant messaging and emails.

    Although these forms of communication are very useful they can also cause anxiety, encourage poor self-esteem and can be all-consuming to the extent of affecting friendships and work. The jury is out on whether texting and emailing is addictive, but for some their lives do seem to be controlled by social media.

    Here’s a test for you. What’s the first thing you do in the morning – look at your phone for messages? Have you ever gone out and forgotten your mobile? How did you react when you found out? When you last went out for a meal with friends did you or they read or respond to a text? How did that make you feel if it was them? If you have done more than one of these you are probably overly attached and might need to break that control.

    Research is beginning to show that social media may affect our self-esteem. You start comparing what you are doing and what your friends are doing and if their life feels more interesting you begin to think you are boring and wonder why they are friends with you. Your self-esteem drops. In some cases, to counteract this, you may make stories up and, if not careful, get trapped in a web of lies.

    This over-consuming need to be online and letting others know what you are doing can be tiring. You constantly need to portray an image and can seldom be yourself. Let’s agree that it is exciting to know what others are doing, if they are being chatted up or if their work is boring. But we all need time out. Time to be ourselves. Time to recharge.

    The hyper-state of involvement in others’ lives that technology brings can train us to be constantly online so that we don’t miss out. But as a species we have not yet evolved to be so inundated with information about others. Our own lives are complicated enough for us to deal with without constant bombardment from others.

    We need to rest our minds. So why not take control again of your life? Why not go straight to the shower in the morning and look at your phone when you have got ready to go out? Why not have a half day a week (to start with) when you will not be on-line and let everyone know this is what you are doing? It will be hard but this is just an indication of how attached and out of control you have become.

    Holidays are useful ways to rest the mind. To give it time to recharge. These time-outs are very beneficial and help to prevent stress and breakdowns. How about turning off your phone for half the day every day and focus on those you are with? It is great to tell everyone what you are doing on holiday. It can make you feel important. But how about becoming mysterious and keeping them wondering by holding back sending too many messages.

    Technology is great but it also has to work for you. It is there to serve us not for us to become its slave. Communicate electronically but remember face-to-face communications builds better relationships. Try to spend time with friends and lovers and give them your undivided attention.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.