THEGAYUK

Author: Sloan Sherdian-Williams

  • TECH TOCK, Is Technology A Time Bomb Creeping Up On Us?

    In today’s fast paced world, technology plays an increasingly important part of how we function on a day-to-day basis in practically every aspect of our lives from working effectively in our jobs to how we enjoy our leisure time and even to how we interact with our friends and family.

    Social media channels like Twitter, Facebook and Instagram allow people to share much more of their lives than ever before. The introduction of gay dating sites and mobile apps like Grindr and Scruff have opened up new and exciting opportunities to meet potential partners which would never have been possible even as little as ten years ago.

    However the pervasive nature of technology – and in particular digital technology – in our lives has increased the pressures we face. From the constant ping of emails and texts coming up on our mobiles demanding to be answered to the celebrity selfies on Twitter and Instagram which affect self-esteem, we are bombarded from all sides with images and messages that create expectations based on how we perceive such influences. Not to mention the rise in cyber bullying, revenge porn and pro-ana websites. It has even been suggested that some of us now suffer from “tech envy” with 30% of office workers saying they were very envious of the devices such as iPads that their colleagues brought into work.

    Technology & The Unreasonable Expectations We Set Ourselves
    The benefits of digital technology are obvious in providing value and possibility to millions of people. Our lives are more efficient because of such technology and important messages on issues such as equality, education and social change can now be transmitted to a global community. Yet for all the payoffs of technology, for some being online can cause a huge cost to fulfilment and emotional wellbeing because of the unreasonable expectations that can be created. Such expectations can be anything from the expectation that you should always be available on the other end of a text, instant message or Snapchat to the damaging expectation that if your latest Instagram photo doesn’t get enough likes or you don’t have lots of followers on Twitter then there must be something wrong with you.

    Although you may think you have to meet these expectations to be happy and keep up with the Joneses but actually you need to put such unreasonable expectations to one side and put your physical and emotional health first to truly ensure you live a happy and fulfilled life. The best way to do this is to shift your focus and concentrate on what you are grateful for and that which you do have. Avoid others opinions and expectations. Keep you standards high while lowering your expectations of yourself and others.

    Symptoms of Technology Overload
    The paradox of online technology is that whilst it connects people on social networks and increases our circle of friends across time zones, it also can have a negative impact on the quality of those friendships. A recent study suggested that the majority of respondents thought that social media had an adverse effect on friendships with many feeling that their relationships with others were more superficial because of social media. This could be because many of us use social media as a substitute to meeting friends in the real world which is not surprising as a quick like or comment online to a friend’s latest post is so easy to do and requires very little commitment or personal responsibility.

    It is also not unusual for people to feel addicted to checking their social media accounts throughout the day with the focus being on Facebook updates and Twitter notifications rather than speaking to friends on the phone or meeting in person. Even those who tried to delete their accounts struggle with being offline with one in three signing themselves up again less than a week later and one in ten lasting less than 24 hours before succumbing to the need to reactive their account and go back online.

    Technology Does Not Satisfy Our Need For Connection
    Connection is a fundamental human need which needs to be satisfied in a healthy way to create a truly meaningful and fulfilled life. The health benefits of social interaction from the release in oxytocin during a hug to the reduced incidences of depression are greatest amongst friends who meet in person opposed to those who purely interact online.

    Connecting with those you care about on social media only adds a small element to satisfy your need for connection because research shows that the quality of your relationships is correlated to the amount of time you spend together and those who spend more time engaging in face-to-face contact with friends feel that their bond is stronger. In my experience working as a life coach over the last decade, it is the clients that cultivating their relationships in person by meeting friends face-to-face to catch up over a coffee or meal who have the best quality interactions and greatest feelings of intimacy.

    Technology Antidote
    Spending time online with friends should be a last resort not your first port of call. If you want to shift your focus from unhelpful social media habits to meeting friends in the real world but don’t know where to start, here are my top ten suggestions to get out from behind your handheld device and re-connect with the people that matter.

  • 10 life hacks to help you take a break from technology

    Here are 10 Life hacks to help you take a break from technology devised by celebrity life and success coach Sloan Sheridan Williams.

    When technology is starting to rule your life, why not take a step back and take note of Sloan’s top 10 hints at regaining control of your life.

    1. Share a lovingly home-cooked meal or go to your favourite restaurant

    2. Get a boost of energising Vitamin D

    3. Share emotional experiences like watching a movie or sporting event.

    4. Having fun on theme park rides will help you bond with the rush of endorphins

    5. Go on a bike ride or a long walk in the park

    6. Visit a comedy club and laugh out loud

    7. Go out and dance like no-one is watching

    8. Pedalo on the Serpentine or on a nearby lake that offers similar

    9. Fly a kite

    10. Go to a Roller Disco and let your hair down.

    by Sloan Sheridan Wllliams

  • How to make your 2015 New Year Resolutions stick

    As it’s the New Year, now is the time for people to consider what they want to get out of 2015 and start thinking about fresh starts, new beginnings and of course New Year’s Resolutions.

    With a suggested 88% of resolutions failing which translates to approximately 150 million resolutions every year, it is clear that your brain is not automatically wired to succeed at keeping resolutions any more than your muscles are automatically wired to succeed at running a marathon yet every year people ask their brain to perform the mental equivalent. So when you want to clear the cobwebs and start the New Year as the New You, how can you stop giving up on giving in?

    The key to success is to think of your brain like a muscle that needs fuel and rest, remind it regularly of its obligations and give it the right conditions to function at optimum. Research has shown the prefrontal cortex is responsible for willpower and like a muscle it needs feeding, exercise, repetition and rest. Here are my top tips on how to stick to your New Year’s resolutions and ensure your willpower supports your desire to make long lasting changes for the better.

    1. Make A Commitment

    The point I stress to my clients around resolution time is that to keep motivated and achieve their goals they need to make a powerful commitment and hold themselves accountable to that commitment. I compound the fact that without the right focus their good intentions will just fall down leading to unhelpful consequences. Thankfully help is at hand in the form of commitment websites which enable us to make a tangible promise to reach our goals through helpful encouragement and accountability using a Commitment Contract. One of my favourites that I recommend to clients is stickK that literally puts your money on the line if you don’t achieve your goal.

    2. Realign Your Beliefs

    If you do what you’ve always done then you will get what you’ve always got. I work with my clients to identify the limiting beliefs which hold them back from being the best version of themselves. When it comes to making a fresh start, it’s vital not to take your past into your future. Learn to let go of unhelpful thoughts and behaviours which have not served you well thus far. You may find it helpful to look at the rules or “shoulds” that have governed your personal and professional life before working on changes to your perception or approach so that you focus on helpful thoughts and positive self talk. Consider working with a life coach or mentor who can help you achieve your dreams in the fastest possible time.

    3. Money Matters

    Don’t forget to take some time out for financial planning as 8 out of 10 people last year did not plan their finances but still stated that financial stability was important to them. So whether you’re setting a savings or spending budget, creating an emergency fund, finding a way to increase clients, productivity or income, focus on the steps you need to take to make your life more financially favourable. Remember just like extreme dieting results in an inevitable binge, setting a tough budget will result in an unplanned shopping spree. Set reasonable goals and become more mindful of your spending whilst still enjoying that which life has to offer such as connection to loved ones or contribution to your community.

    4. Constant Reminders

    One of the best ways to stay focused on your resolutions is to remind yourself on a regular basis why it is important to achieve your goal and what you need to do to get there. This can be in the form of Post-It notes with motivational messages stuck strategically around the house, using an app like HassleMe to set daily or even hourly reminders, or even using a motivational photo of you looking awesome as the screensaver on your smartphone or computer. Write postcards to yourself congratulating you on how well you are doing and get your friends to send them periodically when they see your resolve might be weakening. A vision board covered in aspirational images that represent your dreams and ambitions also works very well at getting you in the right mindset to move towards that which you desire.

    5. Vocalise Your Promises

    Don’t just make promises to yourself that you can easily break behind closed doors. Share your resolutions with friends and family and promise them that you will do your best to achieve your goal. Then practise being your word so that the people in your life see you as honourable and someone whose integrity they can count on. This will not only make you look good but also bring you closer to the people you care about. Write postcards to yourself congratulating you on how well you are doing and how committed you are to your resolution and why it is so important to you. Ask your friends to send them periodically when they see your resolve might be weakening.

    Take Action

    Whichever tips and techniques you decide work best for you to stick to your resolutions, it is crucial that you take action and keep moving forward as this is exactly the advice I give clients who have struggled with change in the past. If life is a game then you need to stop being a spectator and get out on the pitch to play to win. This involves things like avoiding procrastination, putting up a year planner, setting budgets, writing lists, prioritising tasks and getting organised. It helps to set yourself realistic targets based on what can be achieved in the time you have available so break jobs down into constituent parts. Be specific so you have a clear idea of what you are working towards and track your progress rewarding yourself as you meet each target. This will keep you motivated to continue your journey towards a New You in the New Year.

  • COMMENT | Gemma Collins Vs. Katie Hopkins

    Leading celebrity lifestyle and wellbeing expert weighs in on Katie Hopkins’ comments about I’m A Celeb’s Gemma Collins.

    In terms of public perception, it may appear Gemma Collins has not done herself any favours with such a swift departure from the jungle, but as a therapist, I cannot say I am surprised as there are obviously deep-seated reasons behind her behaviour which I think warrant compassion rather than judgement. An educated commentary on her with relevance to why she left, her naivety or any other general form of discussion and constructive advice on how to overcome her issues that goes with the very nature of being in the public eye is acceptable, but these constant attacks on Gemma’s weight are no doubt having a further damaging effect on her and teenagers everywhere and exacerbating a generation that is already obsessed with weight and body image. I would have liked to have seen Katie Hopkins to draw on the fact she is a mother and not open the floodgates to more media attention on weight issues and focus on the heart of the matter which is that Gemma let her fears get the better of her. Gemma had a moment of weakness, she wanted comfort over proving herself to be the next Bear Grylls. That’s all.

    Gemma could actually do a lot of positive with that message showing people that sometimes you need help to get over fears such as a clinical hypnotherapist, life coach or CBT counsellor and that perhaps with hindsight she might have chosen this route. This could be a great message to lots of people who look up to Gemma out there. Perhaps she could even attempt to go in next year and show her fan base that you can conquer your fears and that in the face of what seems impossible there is always room for inspiration. Katie Hopkins is well known for her blunt opinions and perhaps that is what is now expected of her, but as a Therapist I would question why she takes it to such a base level of personal attacks, after all, we are all human, and fallible, and nobody is perfect.

    For Katie to have the ambition to be a gay icon, she should first know what that means. I have heard many definitions including such an icon to be well-versed in the arts of glamour and others suggesting they are inspirational role models but the one definition that stands out the most to me is that a gay icon should have, encourage and help achieve strength through adversity.

    Katie Hopkins has chosen put herself in the limelight and present herself as someone who preys on those with obvious faults in order to make a name for herself and that she has successfully done, but the people she chooses to talk about are human, and have feelings. I do not believe body shaming, attacks that are tantamount to bullying or twitter jibes can be seen as anything but an unpleasant form of entertainment to some and to others a lack of empathy to those who have issues – but iconic – not at all. It is a primal instinct to attack those you perceive weaker that yourself, and we have seen such throughout history.

    For Katie to have ambitions to be a gay icon i would recommend that she need a rethink of her belief system of what is an acceptable form of treating other human beings. I think Lincoln said it best when he said “I would rather be a little nobody, than to be an evil somebody” Not to say Katie is evil but her behaviour is lacking in social grace and understanding of the human condition and in my opinion not in alignment to the strong anti bullying stance of my friends, colleagues and clients who exist both in and out of the Gay community.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • The Rise Of Revenge Porn

    Revenge porn is an issue that affects us all and is far from just a women’s issue.

    This has been made apparent in a recent high profile case appearing in the media where an openly gay journalist was sacked after his employers were notified of private photographs of him posted on a website without his consent. We read a lot about the legal issues behind revenge porn but what is actually going on in the minds of the perpetrators and the subjects of the pictures.

    What is revenge porn?

    Revenge porn is the term used to describe the distribution of sexual graphic images normally where such distribution whether physically or electronic is without the subject’s consent. The motive behind revenge porn is to cause harm so it’s not surprising that some refer to it as nothing better than a hate crime, where others view it a form of sexual abuse, with some deeming it to be cyber rape. Emotionally, this form of cyber bullying and harassment can have detrimental effects on the subject, however with a deeper level of understanding of what is going on internally we can make a greater stand against it.

    Psychology of the subject

    Subjects of revenge porn find themselves the object of scrutiny, ridicule and prejudice. Many employers are inexperienced to deal with this burgeoning issue and some have been criticised for apparently mishandling the situation based on the perceived risk to their reputation and credibility. However, it is not just subject’s work lives that can be affected. Relationships can break down because of the publishing of an affair and ultimately many have been left feeling suicidal at the negative impact revenge porn has had on their lives.

    The immediate embarrassment and anger can develop into feelings of guilt, shame, humiliation, stress, anxiety, low self-esteem, sleep disturbance, thought disturbance, victimisation and depression.

    Although men are largely free in society to bare bodies (namely chests) without repercussion, this does not allow for a more relaxed attitude to male revenge porn. The threat of harm is very real. Of the 10% of people who threaten to post revenge porn images, 60% go ahead and do so. The harm caused can be a very real trigger for mental health problems in the subject, not just depression but also PTSD is starting to be seen in revenge porn subjects.

    Understanding these are all natural responses to a difficult and unpleasant situation is the first step in taking action towards a more positive outcome. It is fine to treat the symptoms but getting to the core cause of the matter will help. Understanding the mentality of the person who set the chain of events in motion will go a long way to moving forward.

    Psychology of the perpetrator

    As regularly seen in social media, the increasingly easy access we have to a wider audience means more and more people are using social media and the internet as a channel to express their negativity.

    Revenge porn is not freedom of speech. It is a manifestation of hate.

    Thrill seekers, territory offenders, retaliatory offenders and mission offenders are the most likely perpetrators of revenge porn. These are people who live without integrity, dignity or grace and exist within the track of fear and not the track of love. They apportion blame because they cannot take personal responsibility for their actions. Blame is an unhealthy emotion as it forces the perpetrator to want the subject to feel the same negative emotions the perpetrator feels so that they themselves do not have to deal with such emotions in a helpful positive way. By retaining power over your emotions you are denying the revenge pornographer of his feed and as such you are still in control.

    Perpetrators are seeking catharsis and want to “have the last word” but it is clear by their actions that they are unhealthy weak individuals hiding behind a computer screen. Seeing them for what they really are and exposing such keeps the power with you and will unsettle them as the last thing they want is to be pitied and judged. In some cases, narcissism could be a factor for those who use revenge porn to get back at an ex having been annoyed that they were dumped before they were able to let go. In these cases it is even more so about the power struggle between two people. The best strategy here is to not engage or react where possible, make them play by your rules where you dictate how the situation will actually play out.

    Bullies see cyberspace as a place where societal accepted norms and everyday rules no longer apply. Such disassociation makes it easier for the bully to cause harm and emotional pain as they do not always see the consequences of their actions. Some bullies actually enjoy watching the suffering they cause. Posting revenge porn releases brain chemicals which reduce the stress response and negative emotions which make the perpetrator feel better. They seize control of their environment and circumstances and play out fantasies by dissociative imagination. If you don’t outwardly react in the manner they expect they will not get the repeated hit of chemicals and will eventually feel a deficit of such like a drug addict in withdrawal. It is here you know you have the upper hand and you do not have to feel like a victim because they are the ones with the issue.

    Recovering from revenge porn

    It should not be a right to consume or distribute sexually graphic images without the subject’s consent nor should it be a right to publicise such material or engage in threats or harassment to publicise such. But apportioning blame turns you into a victim. Although being the subject of revenge porn can be hurtful, it is vital that you do not allow the negative actions of others to affect your self-worth. Use the experience as an opportunity to develop.

    It is key to make better decisions about who you trust and who you allow yourself to be influenced by. Letting go of any previous bad decisions you may have made, changing your expectations and raising your standards will guide you towards avoiding attracting unhealthy or unstable people. You can create an environment where this is unlikely to happen again and as such let go of any fears you may hold on to.

    It is easy to take on a victim mentality and as such consider retaliation on the photographer themselves or perhaps someone else later down the line. It is imperative to continue to behave in a healthy dignified way, recalibrate your beliefs and actions only towards the positive by putting out to the environment that which you want to attract

    If you are the type to keep things to yourself then now is the time to reach out for support. If however you feel strongly about such and are the personality type to thrive in the limelight then take the opportunity to turn this seemingly negative situation into a positive one by bringing together your community and take a stand together against this latest form of bullying.

     

    Time to take a stand

    If we all refused to look at it, the perpetrators would lose their power and this issue would go away. Although that may be an unrealistic expectation, what we can do is stand up to these latest bullies in whatever way feels right for us.

    As a society we are constantly allowing the unacceptable to become acceptable. Although it is easy to say and harder to do, we need to rise above the behaviour of perpetrators of revenge porn and put a stop to their negative actions.

    If you are affected by the issues raised in this article and you need to talk to somebody call the LGBT Switchboard: LLGS on 0300 330 0630 or visit: http://www.llgs.org.ukor call Samaritans on 0845 790 90 90.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.