THEGAYUK

Category: Coming Out

  • OPINION | Coming Out? Won’t someone think of the parents?

    For a lot of people, even with today’s increasing acceptance of gay men and women, declaring one’s ‘different’ sexuality or ‘coming out’ is difficult and complicated. Society doesn’t expect straight teenagers to stand up and declare they like the opposite sex (i.e. heterosexual) – it’s still normally assumed. But gay teenagers do have to make a public declaration.

    So, accepting that you aren’t the same as your family, and most of your peers, can create emotional turmoil. It takes strength of character to be different. On top of that telling others about this very personal part of you can be uncomfortable.

    As the actor, Ben Whishaw, recently said in an interview with the Sunday Times, “It’s hard to have a conversation with people you’ve known your whole life about a very intimate thing. It’s massively weighted with all sorts of stuff, whatever the wider world is saying… it’s an intimate and private and difficult conversation for most people.”

    For most young adults, gay or straight, talking about sex to their parents is embarrassing. Having the added element of not being of the same sexual persuasion as them is even more challenging no matter what some may believe. Yes, there is an increased awareness and lots of gay soap opera characters and gay celebrities but, if your are heterosexual, finding out that your son or daughter is not of the same sexual inclination as you can take some adjusting.

    Unfortunately, for family and friends, because of this increased awareness, there can be an attitude of ‘just get over it’ or parents should accept you for what you are – if they love you. There is a general expectation that the acceptance of people with different sexual attractions should be easy and almost immediate. But life is really not like that, and for quite a few parents, and family members and friends, a coming out announcement is a challenge.

    A lot of focus, quite rightly, is placed on helping gay individuals who are confused about their feelings. In time most come to accept who they are. Little support, however, is given to parents, siblings and friends. They are expected, almost immediately, to accept a ‘different’ son or daughter to the one they thought they knew – a person that perhaps the coming-out individual has spent years learning to accept.

    Acceptance usually takes time and mistakes are made. Because of this family and friends can suffer feelings of guilt, loss and shame. The fact that these feelings are understandable doesn’t make it easier. Sometimes, because of religious or cultural beliefs that have been part of a parent’s whole life, it can become almost impossible.

    Learning that a child, sibling or friend is gay, lesbian or bisexual can feel like discovering that the person you knew is actually someone different. In fact, a person who has come out hasn’t changed; they are still the person that parents loved and cared for. But they, the parents, have to come to terms with new information about their child. And as they are heterosexual this is an area they have little experience in.

    There may be a sense of mourning for the loss of what society still sees as the ideal – a wedding and grandchildren, or nephews and nieces. There may be guilt – “what did I do wrong and what will the extended family and neighbours think?”. Anger is also not unusual – “How could they deceive me and let me think of a future that wasn’t to be or do things behind my back?”.

    All of these feelings are normal. Sometimes these feelings can be worked through by talking to the son or daughter who has ‘come out’; sometimes talking to others in the same situation can bring about a normality or even a realisation that the end of the world is not actually nigh. In some situations there may be a need to talk to a professional, such as a counsellor, so that one can explore one’s feelings without judgement.

    Remember, few parents are lucky enough to be able to accept the coming-out announcement without confusion and maybe anger. For most it can take time and may be difficult to adjust; but you, as the person who has gone through your own acceptance, has the control. You actually have some idea of what they may be going through too.

    You are the one to help them on the way forward. But you may have to be patient and remember the trip you have travelled to get where you are. Just don’t lose a father or mother, sibling or friend because they have not quite reacted the way you wanted them to. Give them time and remember your learning and acceptance about yourself also wasn’t instant.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | Coming Out: You say a hill, I say a mountain

    It’s been a while since I’ve submitted any articles, partly because I’ve been moving and partly because what writing I have been doing seems to be turning into a bit of a beast. A big gay-related beast! I won’t give much away (in fact I’ve given nothing away) but I suspect I may park the beast for the moment and save it for a rainy day.

    Last month everyone has been talking about ‘coming out’ and what this means to people. In my mind coming out is a very personal thing and means different things to different people. But what does it mean to be ‘out’ and why is coming out still a thing for the gay community? Are we making a mountain out of a mole hill?

    When I was 18 (all those many years ago) I pretty much knew what I was and that girls just held no interest for me at all. However, no matter how good my friends were or how close I felt to them I didn’t feel that while at college I could ‘out myself’ to everyone. I think this was mainly because I was scared of losing the friends I had worked so hard to earn – I wasn’t a very popular kid when I started high school (I looked like Harry Potter). That and of the guys that had declared themselves as gay in my year were, how shall we say, ‘bad examples of gay men’ that didn’t have a nice word to say about anyone.

    I remember one occasion when one of them decided to be incredibly bitchy to a friend that had simply and politely said hello to him. Having overheard this I quickly stepped into action and launched a tirade of abuse at said boy reducing him and his ‘posse’ to tears. While this isn’t something I am necessarily proud of I stand by that action as it was one of many incidents where this person had spat poison at the world and spitting poison at the innocent is a step too far.

    At the time I felt like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. My experience of being gay up until that point was two very camp, very bitchy gay guys in my year that had a very close group of friends but other than that was on the outer edges of the school social groups. Do I out myself and declare myself as different to them or just keep shtum as being different doesn’t make a difference?

    The moment I left college (literally that afternoon) and after quite a few drinks down the local Wetherspoons I did out myself and the majority of my friends did the usual response stating that they already knew and this was old news. I didn’t know whether to be flattered or not, in my mind I hadn’t given anything away – I was the perfect model of a “straight teenager”. Or so I thought.

    It’s only now looking back that actually I remember a few house parties where hands would wander and my crush on two boys in my class (one at a time I might add). The first one was tall, thin and blonde. He was laid back, took everything as cool as you like, and was good with his hands and just yum. I had thought I was discreet but clearly my gawping at him didn’t go un-noticed. That and I used to make up stuff just so he would talk to me. (You can see why me being gay was obvious to people can’t you??).

    The other one was a member of my close group of friends. Tall, thin but this one was sporty. Sweet as you like but very teenage male, which kind of made him even hotter. Anywho, when at house parties it was my hands that would go wandering (or a cheeky feel of certain areas).

    Given all that I think that I made more of an issue of coming out that I should have done. Clearly I wanted to, and it was abundantly obvious that I was but in my head coming out would end the world and sees me back as the lonely boy I was in the first year of high school.

    Coming out to my mum was just as traumatic, but for completely different reasons. At the time I was seeing someone (not quite first love but close) and it had ended abruptly as he was shagging his ex and couldn’t have the spine enough to look me in the eye to tell me. So I was sat at home crying my eyes out and saw fit to dump all this on my mum and seek some motherly comfort. Not the best way to do it, but none the less got it done. Tears were had but no anger or issues and now she thinks it’s wonderful.

    My dad on the other hand is another kettle of fish. As with my school mates I strongly suspect that he knows, especially as I’m 26 and have never brought home a girlfriend or even mentioned one. I did agree with myself that once I had moved out from the family home that I would sit him down and tell him as I was then out and standing on my own two feet. If he then chose to have an issue with it I wouldn’t be living under his roof. I doubt he will, but it’s that little voice in the back of the head that says “be careful”.

    I am currently out of the family home and still haven’t had ‘the conversation’. I am going steady with someone and he has met my mum and brothers family and technically has met my dad, but not as “Hi Dad, this is the man I love”. I know I should just get it out of the way but something just stops me from doing so. Which isn’t me at all, usually I look people in the eye and tell them how things are. I can’t stand people that shake off their responsibilities, especially if a relationship is coming to an end. But here I am, shying away from doing something that could well be a mole hill and not a mountain…

    At work technically speaking I am not “out” but that isn’t through wanting to hide my sexuality that is more to do with that I just don’t discuss such things at work. Some of the people know as I know them outside of the office but on the whole they don’t and actually I’m not fussed if they do or do not know. If that’s lazy state of ‘in the closet’ then fine, I’m being lazy!

    In a time where discrimination is still rife I understand the fear people have and why people therefore fear the damage that coming out does. I would however encourage everyone to really think and see if this is truly a mountain or a mole hill? Is the damage real or is the news already out and the damage not what you think? Sometimes it will be, sometimes it won’t.

    But always remember to do what feels right for you and what works. Coming out is a personal thing so never feel pressured into doing or not doing anything. No one has the right to force you into coming out, not even a partner.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | Why don’t we come out?

    Over this month you will have no doubt read many articles and stories about how people have come out. Across the gay community, it is the one thing we all have in common; we all have a story to tell.

    Some are happy stories that strengthen relationships and make the ties that bind closer. Others have had negative effects on relationships for various different reasons. My personal experience was generally apathy. I had a lot of “yes, I know” and “oh, is that all?” I’m not exactly a stereotype either, I don’t like girls aloud, I’m not fashionable or into male grooming. I’m fat and a geek.

    Even working as a counsellor with LGBT clients who have not had a positive reaction, I have never come across anyone that has regretted doing so. Most are upset and hurt that they have been rejected but proud that they have found the strength to say proudly and honestly who they are.

    So what stops us from coming out? How do we rationalise this away? Here are a few things that may prevent people from my personal experience and work with clients.

     

    Fear of change

    Fear of change is probably being the biggest blocker for most changes, Whether or not we are looking at coming out, changing career, moving or ending a relationship. No matter how unhappy people are the fear of taking the leap into the unknown is enough to stop them.

    Change is scary but without it nothing will ever be any different. I remember waking up the morning after coming out to my parents and regretting it. I was scared because I did not know the rules anymore. I knew how to lie and manipulate the truth so they never found out. I did not know how to be open and honest with them. But in the longer term guess which option was less stressful and frustrating.

     

    They know anyway

    My rationale was always that I was 90% sure that my parents knew anyway, they had stopped asking about relationships and dating. It was the big pink elephant in the room that was not referred to. The 10% left was doubt because I had never discussed it and avoided the topic of conversation. The counsellor that I was working with at the time challenged me that if I was so sure why wasn’t I having the conversation. She was right; this was a very subtle form of denial. If we can avoid the situation then it does not need to be dealt with.

     

    Timing and circumstance

    Of course everybody has the right to do things at their own pace and circumstances. My fear of being outed was always around the fact that I felt it was my human right to have this conversation when I was ready. I had been confused as to what my actual sexuality was. When I was younger there were not a lot of positive role models around that I could identify with. To be a gay was to be effeminate and less of a man. That was how you were perceived and that didn’t fit with me. I was not confident in my sexuality or ready to have that discussion. Once I admitted to myself that I was gay, I knew that the conversation would need to happen

     

    They will hate me for lying to them

    I was 32, gay and hadn’t come out to my parents. I felt that I had gone past a reasonable amount of time where I could tell them. Aside from not telling them about my sexuality, I had close relationship to them. I was afraid that they would feel betrayed. The issue of me being gay no longer felt like a concern, the issue of me being a liar was very much present. When I came out to my parents I asked them if they felt this way, my dad had said it was my business and had I chosen not to tell them so he respected my privacy.

    So when it finally came down to it, all my reasons were blockers and negative thoughts. None turned out to be legitimate concerns. I appreciate that this will not ring true for everyone and I can’t tell you that it is an easy path to choose.

    But I can tell you this, I didn’t realise the weight I was carrying till it was gone. I respected myself a lot more for having been completely honest about the person I am and it has been the most liberating experience of my life. I know who I am now and so does the world.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | Is there a need to come out?

    Coming out as gay can be an apprehensive time of life. I’m sure most of you will be aware of that feeling of dread that becomes all-consuming when considering revealing your sexuality.

    What if people don’t accept it and your family disown you? What if you end up with no friends? Such questions spark a panic within, but then we take the plunge anyway with something along the lines of “Mum, Dad, I’m gay”. Should we have to come out though?

    My coming out was in a far less civilised manner than quietly announcing to my parents that I am gay. During an argument, my Dad asked me if I’m a queer. I shouted, “yes I f***ing am actually”. Drama ensued, but I won’t go into that right now for this is about the need to come out.

    The first time I began to debate this topic with myself was when I had not long come out. I spent weeks telling everyone I knew that I was gay and began to thrive on people’s reactions. But then one day one of my friends said “and…” when I excitedly told her I am gay. She could not care less. I was offended at the time as this was the first instance I had come across someone who didn’t react with excitement or horror to my big news. How dare she not be bothered, I thought. However, as it began to sink in I slowly realised that I actually appreciated her response. Being gay was not an issue to this person. She only cared about the person within; the heart and soul. I guess that is why I was her friend.

    From that moment I held back on telling people about my sexuality. I didn’t begin to hide it, but I would only talk about it if it was part of a conversation that involved discussing personal stuff. I considered the fact that I had not changed as a person and therefore it shouldn’t matter. Why should I be defined by my sexuality?

    That is how I carried on living my life until recently I began to change my opinion again. I have received a lot of press coverage recently due to organising my county’s first ever Pride event. I didn’t consider it at first, but the media coverage has been effectively outing me to the public. It made me feel slightly uncomfortable until I realised that it is probably a good thing for people to see a positive visible representation of a gay man in the paper or hear that on the radio, which brings me to answering the question; is there a need to come out?

    While not a profound need to reveal one’s sexuality, I do feel it is important to be visible. I am all for people having the right to keep their sexuality to themselves. That should be respected. But I do think it is important for people to open about their sexuality. It is only with increased visibility and openness that society and the world around us becomes a more tolerant place.

    If we didn’t have so many out people, would we be living in a generally tolerant society? I’m not sure that we would. With people remaining in the closet there would be no visibility. How can a society progress when it comes to something that can’t be seen? Of course, I’m looking at the bigger picture, but I see it as vital to always consider the bigger picture. To bring it down to a basic level and look at whether there is a need to come out to friends and family, then I think there is… for now.

    We still live in a world where everyone is assumed to be straight unless informed otherwise. Personally, I feel there is a need to come out if you are to have an open relationship with those close to you. How can there be a fruitful family relationship or friendship if a significant part of your being is kept a secret?

    Ultimately I believe in individual choice and people having the freedom to come out or not come out on their own terms. Surely the world would be a better place if everyone was out, though.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | Wrestling With Sexuality

    Professional wrestler Darren Young has come out, instead of a carefully worded and sensitive confessional style interview, he did this during an on the spot chat with TMZ while collecting his luggage.

    When asked if an openly gay wrestler could be successful in the WWE, he replied: “Absolutely, absolutely! Look at me. I’m a WWE Superstar, and to be honest with you I’m gay. And I’m happy, very happy.”

    He remarked that he was unconcerned with how it would be perceived and it shouldn’t change a thing.

    By choosing to come out he has become the first openly gay wrestler in the WWE.

    Darren Young is currently one half of the tag team, the Prime Time Players with Titus O’Neil. The team’s intro track and music refers them as committed and serious athletes in pursuit of wealth and status. On Young’s Twitter account it states his life “revolves around three things — Money, Women and Wrestling.”

    It’s not unusual for a gay man to portray an overtly heterosexual man, look at Neil Patrick Harris in “How I Met Your Mother” or Jeremy Sheffield in “Hollyoaks”.

    How this will play into the WWE storylines remains to be seen.

    The WWE has issued an official statement saying that they are proud of Darren Young for being so open about his sexuality and pledged to support him as a WWE superstar. Fellow wrestler John Cena has also publically backed him. Triple H and Stephanie McMahon have also tweeted messages of support.

    It would not be the first time a wrestler has come out, Chris Kanyon had previously been active within the WWE but was released from his contract due to a string of injuries and relapses. During a promotional activity, he began telling people that he was fired from the WWE for being gay. He later admitted he had only completed the interviews as a publicity stunt. In his autobiography, he later admitted that he was gay. Sadly Kanyon also suffered from bi-polar disorder and later committed suicide, using anti-depressants in 2010.

    Looking over the entire industry and WWE’s brand of sport entertainment, it feels like a bold move. The focus of wrestling is combat based testosterone feuds. How a gay man plays into this as an equal remains to be seen. However with an increasingly viable presence of LGBT characters in films, television and comic books it feels important.

    Looking at it from a professional athletics perspective, role models are necessary to make the move towards equality. Gareth Thomas, Robbie Rogers and John Amaechi all came out after they had retired.

    Darren Young is a true inspiration; he is involved with anti-bullying initiatives and promoting diversity. He is a man at the prime of his career refusing to hide who he is and carrying on doing what he loves in life.

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | Closets are for clothes

    “What have you done today to make you feel proud?” Heather Small

    Today I was able to kiss my partner in public and for that, I am proud. I am proud to live in a society where being part of the LGBT community is accepted and I am able to express my feelings for a member of the same sex openly without judgement.

    The Stonewall riot of 1969 in New York City inspired and motivated members of the LGBT community to fight for equality. The gay liberation movement encouraged people to accept and announce their sexuality and has influenced celebration for years to come in the form of Pride Parades.

    Since this time the LGBT community has grown and although the fight for equality still continues we are still further that we were over forty years ago. Although something simple such as showing my partner affection in public may seem small, it stems for years of struggle and fighting for recognition and acceptance.

    I have openly admitted to my parents that I was gay. At a New Year party my Mother looked at me and said,

    “So, I see your in a relationship on Facebook. Who is he?”

    For years I had been dancing and thought no one was watching. In theory, everyone had been watching and they were waiting for was for me to discuss the matter.

    “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” RuPaul

    Although my Nan still refers to my boyfriend as my ‘special friend’ I still know that I have support from my family and friends in terms of my sexuality. I am proud of them for being open minded and accepting.

    Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if my Mother had never questioned my relationship status. Would I have been strong enough to recognise that the closet is just for clothes?

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.