Tag: Coming Out
Read the latest news and advice on Coming Out as LGBT+.
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INTERVIEW | Wayne Dhesi
Coming out is often a hugely challenging time in the lives of gay and lesbians all over the world.
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COLUMN: Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are
Is there a need to come out? Is it anyone’s business?
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Coming Out: Top 10 Coming Out Novels
Having always been a fan of reading, I navigated my way through my teenage years by devouring as much gay fiction as I could. It made me feel affirmed and like I belonged. It’s always good to know it’s not just you. Here are my top ten “coming out” novels:
Maurice
Maurice by E.M. Forster: This is one of the original classic gay novels. Written around the time of War World I, it’s never going to be smooth sailing when Maurice discovers that he’s gay in a world where homosexuality is illegal and considered a perversion. It’s a beautiful story, though, with some gripping moments.
A Boy’s Own Story
A Boy’s Own Story by Edmund White: This literary masterpiece from 1986 outlines the coming of age of a young gay man in a tender and well-written account. The writing is lyrical and moving with an evocative and fascinating story.
Running With Scissors
Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs: This is a coming out story with a difference. Burroughs’ childhood was far from usual. He grew up with an alcoholic father and a mentally ill mother, ended up being adopted by his mother’s psychiatrist and his eccentric family and had a relationship with a 33-year men whilst in his early teens. Memoirs don’t get much more compelling, brutal or funnier than this one, thanks to Burroughs’ comical take on his life
Sucking Sherbet Lemons
Sucking Sherbet Lemons: by Michael Carson: Young Martin Benson is a teenage boy who’s gradually coming to terms with being gay in a predominately Irish Catholic community in the late 1950s and early 1960s. It’s a humorous and touching book of a boy’s dilemma between the joys of discovering gay sex and the guilt instilled on him by a religion that labels him as sinful. It’s is also the first of a trilogy which goes on to follow Benson as he navigates his way through life.
Fifty Ways Of Saying Fabulous
Fifty Ways of saying Fabulous: by Graeme Aitken: Billy is a young boy living on a farm in New Zealand. He’s not quite cut out for farm life and spends his time imagining he’s Judy from “Lost in Space”, fumbling with a friend and lusting after the 19-year-old farmhand. It’s a very funny and entertaining read.
Someday This Pain Will Be Useful To YOu
Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You by Peter Cameron: James is a misfit and in discord with his surroundings and fractured family. Caught in a limbo between leaving school and starting university he feels adrift. His psychiatrist is driving him more insane and his crush on a co-worker is getting more than he can manage. This is an above-average account of the pain and confusion that sometimes accompanies being a teenager.
Mysterious Skin
Mysterious Skin by Scott Heim: This is a dark and at times disturbing read. It’s a coming of age novel but with a twist. Brian is a guileless innocent and forges an unlikely friendship with a savvy cynic and part-time male prostitute, Neil. The novel is fast-paced and at times shocking as the two move towards a conclusion which causes Brian and Neil to re-evaluate their shared past. Mysterious Skin has also been made into a movie which TheGayUK has reviewed
A Home At The End Of The World
A Home at the End of the World by Michael Cunningham: Pulitzer Prize winner Cunningham has created a moving account of the extraordinary situation which Bobby, Claire and Jonathan, three friends and lovers find themselves in. The book explores how people manage to find a place for themselves and is an accomplished piece of work.
How I Paid For College
How I Paid for College by Marc Acito: This camp tale is reminiscent of a 1980s teen movie but with a musical theatre loving cast of misfits and a gay main character. It’s a light and funny book with lots of tongue in cheek moments and an amusing storyline.
Terre Haute
Terre Haute by Will Aitken: Jared is the son of a wealthy family growing up in Indiana who happens to fancy boys. He’s sly, manipulative and cunning and has a predatory nature. When he enters into a relationship with an older man he quickly gains the upper hand. This is a moody, erotic tale which is really compelling to read but also makes the reader wince a little. Jared is definitely an anti-hero with a difference.
Happy reading people.
This article was first published in 2012
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COLUMN: Just A Phase You’re Going Through
We all have fears about coming out. It’s only natural.
We’re told all these horror stories about people being disowned and beaten, told we’re a little bit dirty and wrong by some sections of society and taught self loathing by others. For some, coming out as gay/lesbian/bi or transgender does become a total nightmare. There are plenty of unfortunate stories. For the majority though, it’s more of a whimper than a bang.
Talking to friends about it, I quickly realised that for some it can be a humorous experience. Let’s face it: straight people can have some odd ideas. They’re a funny bunch.
I’ll start with me (of course). I told my mother when I was 17. I’d already come out to all my friends a few years before and was pretty open about it. I’d left home and was actually living with a male partner so thought it was maybe time to spill the (not very well tinned) beans. I caught her on an evening when she was alone at home and braced myself with a large vodka.
The response was:
“I’m very relieved. I thought you might be bisexual and I don’t like that. It’s greedy.”
I disagree with this but it did make me laugh.
Next:
“I’m a little bit sad. Homosexuals lead very sad and lonely lives.”
Oh Mother, how wrong you were. It’s not the 1950s anymore. We don’t all lurk in shadows and pine over unavailable straight men. I’ve never been especially lonely. In fact I’ve met quite a lot of very nice men, some not so nice men and some terrible monsters. Being gay has meant I’ve met a fair few men. Not to mention all those women who long for a gay best friend. It’s the latest accessory along with a pug and Radley handbag. I’ve also had a few long relationships which were fulfilling and fun, mostly.
Finally:
“I won’t tell your dad. He won’t accept it. I won’t tell your brother either and your grandmothers are too old to understand.”
Within a week she’d told them all and they all accepted and understood. It wasn’t spoken of much, which is our way of dealing with things. It’s a British thing I think.
Enough about me. Here’s what happened to some of my mates. The names have been changed to protect the less than innocent:
1) Patrick told his parents and they took him to the doctor who told them it was a terrible phase he was going through. That was nearly 40 years ago. He’s still waiting for the straight phase to start.
2) Dan told his mum and gran together (ten out of ten for bravery there). His gran chirped up “Ignore him Maureen. He’s making it up. He’s always been a little show off.”
3) Adam’s mum asked him if it was a side effect of drug taking. That’s a new one for the ‘Just Say No!’ Campaign.
4) Matt’s mum said “Gay? That meant happy when I was young. They can’t all be bloody happy can they” She’s not wrong.
5) Jack had been married and had a teenage son and a very angry ex-wife who outed him to his son. His son’s response: “If that’s a lie then you’re wrong for lying. If it’s not a lie then you’re wrong for not letting him tell me himself.” I think he was a wise young man. He also accepted that his dad was gay.
6) Seth’s gran blamed it on his sister. She believed that his sister had turned him gay by leaving her text books lying around the house whilst training to be a midwife. Mind you, those pictures can be grisly.
7) Ben’s dad seemed to think there was inevitability that he’d end up having sex in public in toilets and develop A.I.D.S. He’s done neither yet.
8) Mark woke his parent’s up and told them one night and his dad was jubilant. “See! I’ve been telling you for years he was gay.” He suspects they may have had a bet on.
9) Max came out to a friend at Uni who said “Great! I’ve always wanted a gay friend!” They didn’t become friends.
10) Rich was petrified that his teenage children would be teased at school. In reality, they had a lot of jealous friends who thought having a gay dad was pretty damn cool.
Joking apart, coming out can be scary and we don’t all get the supportive or warm reactions we deserve. If you’ve done it then congratulations; if you haven’t then good luck. I hope it goes well. If you don’t want to do it then it’s your prerogative. Who am I to judge?
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EDITOR’S LETTER: Coming Out
Coming Out is a different story for every single person. Some have joy, some have sorrow but most have relief.
I remember before I came out (I was in a relationship with a guy for 2 years at that point) I was petrified about outing myself. I thought lightening would crack me down, the ground would swallow me up. I worried that I’d haemorrhage friends like cash out of an Icelandic bank and that somehow every plan I had ever made for my future would suddenly become null and void. I was, however, aching to be free of this self-incarceration. I wanted to talk gay things, I wanted to talk about my relationship, I wanted to be myself – which when you’re bound by your own inhibitions is a crippling impossibility. I felt I had no voice.
Plucking up courage and with 2 bottles of wine inside me (okay it was cheaper than wine – I was at university – so it’s excusable). I decided to come out to a friend,
“Yes dear, we know, the whole university knows…” was the numbed response in-between smoking his Marlboro lights. I couldn’t believe it.
“Really?” I said,
“Yes, now pass more Lambrini!”
So that was it. No lightening, no earth shattering and miraculously I hadn’t become a social pariah overnight. The next day, I felt open, more relaxed, I was easier.
I am lucky because of my set of circumstances: the university course I was on, the city I live in, the country I was born. It’s easier than ever to be gay in the UK and I never take that for granted. We don’t live in a country were our very existence is abhorrent to the society at large. You won’t be stoned, put too death or spend a life-time in prison for being gay – and for that we should be proud.
You may feel that people won’t understand, that your family will disown you and that the world will disappear down the toilet if you decide to come out, but more likely you’ll get a shrug of the shoulders and a:
“If you’re happy, we’re happy…”
You don’t need to come out in a huge explosion of confetti, glitter and gold lamé, you don’t need Liza Minnelli to attend the after party, you don’t even need to tell everybody, but coming out, I believe, is one of the most important civilisation changers we can do. It’s only because of our gay forefathers’ campaigning that we enjoy the civil freedoms we have today and they achieved that by coming out and having a public voice. You see coming out gives us a voice. It gives You a voice.
Drunkenly or otherwise, I gave myself a voice 12 years ago when I came out in that dorm room. A voice that I have never regretted.
This month is dedicated to Coming Out and new beginnings. We’re asking for your stories and your contributions. Visit www.thehub.thegayuk.com if you want to share your story.
Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.
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COMMENT: I’m Coming Out
Ok, I’ve decided to come out.” How much further out can you get” I hear you ask.
Well, we’re not talking sexuality here. We’re talking about something much more contentious and something that carries a whole lot more prejudice. Age.
My age is something I’ve purposely shrouded in a certain amount of mystery for quite a few years now. Look around the internet and you’ll see it documented as anything between 38 (on one or two rather old websites) and 55. The truth is something of a surprise even to me. If someone had told me when I was 20 that I’d still be gogo dancing, or making a living out of sex at the age I am now, I’d have told them they were mad. People of my age were old. They didn’t have sex anymore and they sure as hell never took their clothes off in public, except maybe at the beach, and then only to swim.
For months before my recent birthday, I’d been subconsciously dreading the event. I decided against a big party or any big fuss. I hid my birth date on facebook to avoid the inevitable deluge of birthday wishes from people I’ve never met. My intention was to let the day slip by much like any other day. That way, I figured, I didn’t have to think of any big change occurring; and actually it worked. I don’t feel any different now from how I did before this momentous event. The day arrived and nothing changed. I was able to lift the same weight as I always did in the gym. I was able to keep up the same intensity in my cardio workouts. The mere fact that I am embarking on another decade of my life does not make me a different person. Anyway most, no all of those I reveal my true age to, are open mouthed with disbelief. And indeed what have I got to moan about? I’m fit. I’m healthy. I’ve finally got most of my insecurities out of the way. I actually like who I am. What’s more, I may once have thought that older guys didn’t have much luck in the sex department, but actually I find it easier to pull now than I ever did, and most of the guys who run after me are young enough to be my son, some could even be my grandson. They all think I’m younger than I am, but when I tell them my true age, really that seems to turn them on even more. I’m trying to think of the downsides, but honestly I can’t . There surely hasn’t been a better time to be able to call oneself a “daddy”.
Society has its version of what I should be like now, but I have no interest in it. Society likes to pigeonhole people, put them in boxes, but I’ve resisted all efforts to define myself by strict parameters all my life. Why should I stop now? Those multiple choice questions with little boxes you tick never seem to apply to me. I always need an extra one for the option “none of the above”.
The young guys at Soho gym, where I work out, think I should tell the world how old I am, more than one of them exclaiming, “I want to be like you when I get to your age!” “You’re an inspiration!” said another, “you should be proud”.
So that’s it. I’m coming out. At least to those of you who read this blog. A while back I turned 60. As I said, I let this momentous event slip by without any real fuss, but I did do something to celebrate. I was asked to gogo dance at a club and I did. I did this for one reason only – because I can. Well maybe there was one other reason. When I’m 70, or 80, or 90, I want to be able to say I was still gogo dancing when I was 60. For, you see, it is just a number. It does not define who I am or what I can do. I am me and I will adapt to the passing years in my own way, not the way society would thrust upon me.
Greg Mitchell is a contributor to The Gay UK. You can read more of Greg’s writing atwww.thegregmitchell.blogspot.com
Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.
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MIKA: If You Ask Me “Am I Gay I Say Yeah”
The ‘Grace Kelly’ singer has, at last, answered the long-discussed question of his sexuality in an interview with US magazine Instinct. His sexuality had become the subject of rumour since entering the public eye in early 2007.
Mika told Instinct Magazine: “If you ask me ‘am I gay?’, I say yeah. Are these songs about my relationship with a man? I say yeah. And it’s only through my music that I’ve found the strength to come to terms with my sexuality beyond the context of just my lyrics. This is my real life.”
In 2009 in an interview with Dutch magazine Gay & Night he talked of his hesitance to use labels, which the singer used as a frequent response to questioning of his sexuality, until commenting on bisexuality saying: “I’ve never ever labeled myself. But having said that, I’ve never limited my life. I’ve never limited who I sleep with. … Call me whatever you want. Call me bisexual, if you need a term for me.”
Previously, in 2008, Mika had spoken to the US magazine OUT saying that it was possible to discuss “sexuality without using labels”, leading to some journalists inventing the phrases ‘ambisexual’ and ‘gaybe.’
His insistence on keeping his sexuality a private matter had led to hate mail and one death threat: “It was over whether I am gay or not. He wasn’t happy that I won’t talk about my personal life like that,” he told the Evening Standard.