My life has been spiralling down the drain. I hate the way I look, I don’t like my attitude or my mood swings. I’m not doing very well in college and I think I’m going to fail my course. I want to move aboard, but doubt this will be able to happen as I’ve no money and no qualifications.
On top of all that, I’ve not had a boyfriend and really can’t see it happening for me. Who’d want to go out with someone like me?
I feel like such a loser and I feel like I’m at the end of my tether.
Brandon, 21
Dear Brandon.
I want to thank you for reaching out to me.
Recognising that you’re unhappy or that you’re reaching the end of your tether is so powerful. It’s so seemingly simple yet can feel like the most difficult thing in the world to admit.
First off, some practical things you can do for yourself. Booking an appointment with your doctor / GP, is something you should seriously consider doing. You may have some underlying depression which they can help you with. When the doc asks you why you’re there to see them, don’t hold back. Tell them everything you’ve mentioned here today.
Secondly, talk to your course leaders. They can help you and go through some of your options with you particularly important if you think you’re going to fail.
I am very, very sure they’ll be understanding. Also while we’re on the subject of college or Uni, book to see the campus counsellor. Believe me, they are a beacon of light. When I had issues when I was at uni, my counsellor really helped me work stuff out. Something I will never forget and something I will be eternally grateful for. Those 45 minutes with her were, at my lowest, the most treasured 45 minutes of my week.
Thirdly and I know this sounds weird, but make sure you’ve got food in your fridge (it doesn’t have to be lavish or expensive) or fruit in your fruit bowl. Make your bed every morning and carry a pen and paper everywhere you go, to write down notes and make lists.
Sometimes, especially at the moment because of Coronavirus and all the mounting pressures on us all, life can creep up on us and unless we’re dealing with problems or issues right away, they can feel like massive mountains that we can’t climb. A tidy bed, a good meal and a place to organise your thoughts could really help iron out some of the bumps you’re feeling right now.
Loving yourself
As for love and the possibility of someone ever loving you. It’s such a cliché but you got to love yourself first and the next step to loving yourself is making sure you’re still with us.
You may feel dark right now, but even the longest night must eventually give way to the morning.
Who knows what the future holds, but I really hope you’re around to experience it.
Please reach out to the Samaritans if you need to talk to someone. They are available online 24/7 or calling 116 123.
Also, you can reach out to TheMix who specialise in supporting people under the age of 25.
Daddyhunt, which boasts around 4 million members, is using its platform and social media channels to focus on suicide awareness and prevention and domestic violence.
Since the creation of the Daddyhunt website over 15 years ago, “Daddyhunt has focused on educating its members about sexual health issues as well as creating a stigma-free environment for those living with HIV/AIDS. While connecting people is a vital part of our mission, we also want to use our platform to educate our members and fans about important issues affecting the gay community”, says Casey Crawford, Daddyhunt’s General Manager.
Through stories and posts on Instagram and Facebook as well as its weekly newsletter to 4+ million global members, Daddyhunt now shares national suicide awareness and domestic violence abuse hotlines for the US and other countries as well as articles related to how to assist friends or family who are dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts.
The app’s social media manager Nebojsa Cirok told THEGAYUK, “Due to the COVID-19 lockdowns and the increase in suicide rates within the LGBTQ+ community and increases in domestic violence, it is important for us to focus on the issue even more and to educate as many people as we can reach about awareness and prevention programs and hotlines,”
“While we recognize that a lot of people view and follow our social media to see Daddies, we felt that it was incredibly important to highlight these issues. The feedback that we have received from our members and followers has been positive”
A poll of 2,000 UK adults who play an instrument found a huge 89 per cent think playing music keeps them mentally balanced.
More than a quarter report a ‘sense of clarity’ when practising their instrument of choice, while 56 per cent feel a deep sense of relaxation.
And 36 per cent even said playing music gives them a sense of purpose in life – while they’re playing.
The research was commissioned by Spotify to mark the music-themed episode of its wellness-focused Where is My Mind? podcast, whose host Niall Breslin said, “The great thing about music is that it has a way of connecting us so simply and yet in a very powerful way.
“We wanted to explore why music is so powerful. What is it about music that makes it such an incredible therapist for us when we need it the most?”
The podcast episode will feature the ‘Lockdown Ukulele Rockdown’ – a special track created with more than 400 amateur ukulele players, who were gifted instruments to play while shielding.
Band member Emma Cooke said: “Learning the ukulele was such a challenge, but not thinking about the news or being attached to social media was hugely satisfying and gave me a sense of purpose.
“I will definitely continue playing and would encourage anyone who finds themselves in isolation and facing challenges with their mental health to do the same.”
The research also found those who play an instrument will typically spend an average of two hours and 50 minutes practising or jamming each week.
But while more than a third believe they’ve ‘mastered’ their instrument of choice, 47 per cent admitted they are yet to reach that level of expertise.
And 16 per cent of those polled via OnePoll believe it’s not possible to fully master an instrument, and there will always be something new to learn.
Three quarters use playing music specifically as a way to de-stress, while 74 per cent said that just picking up their instrument – with no intention to even play it – can make them feel better.
More than half (54 per cent) will have a playing session to decompress after a hard day at work, while a fifth have used music to help after a breakup.
Other times music lovers turn to their instrument when they’re feeling stressed include worrying about money (34 per cent) or dreading an upcoming event (30 per cent).
On average, instrument playing adults can go just under a week without playing something before they think their mental health starts to deteriorate.
A separate study of 2,000 UK adults also found 88 per cent listen to music regularly to help manage their moods, while 40 per cent would share music with a friend or family member to help with their mental health or lift their mood.
More than a third also spend time listening to podcasts when they want a boost to their mental health – with 15 per cent even saying true crime is their genre of choice to feel better.
Niall Breslin added: “The Where is My Mind? podcast explores different coping skills for the ever-changing, always-on, challenging world we’re now living in.
“We operate in a culture that rewards only doing, pushing harder, working more, training more, and being more.
“There’s no room for simply being. We are all chasing some moment of enlightenment, that thing that will finally make sense of the world, that will finally make us happy when so often, happiness is right under our noses.
“This series, I wanted people to come on a journey with me, as we look at how we can slow the hell down and literally rewire our brain with the power of what’s right in front of us.
“Music existed for me when words failed. More importantly, Music has always been my therapist when no one else knew how, and I believe this is also the case for so many people; whether it’s playing or listening to music.
“And it’s a really rewarding thing to do, to learn a musical instrument.”
As thousands of us are facing lockdowns and self isolations anxiety levels for some are rising.
As countries around the globe fully or partially closed down public services, shops and schools due to Coronavirus, there are growing concerns for OCD, depression and anxiety sufferers that the British government will soon implement more dramatic measures to contain the spread of coronavirus in the UK.
Gerard Barnes, CEO of mental health treatment specialists, Smart TMS, gives his insight on the mental health implications of the circumstances surrounding coronavirus, shares tips on how to safeguard one’s mental health, and highlights the importance on supporting friends, family and loved ones as the situation develops:
“It is certainly important to take the necessary precautions to protect one’s physical health given the circumstances surrounding the spread of COVID-19, but there is now a real threat of a serious mental health crisis alongside the potential physical effects, particularly to those already suffering with chronic anxiety, depression or OCD.
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Here’s what you can do if you’re anxiety or depression is starting to spike.
Check in on your loved ones
While you may not be able to pay a visit to your friends and family if widespread quarantine and self-isolation measures are introduced, staying in touch with your loved ones through social media, video calling or messaging is more valuable than ever. Not being in close proximity to people can have a negative impact on your mood and energy levels, and it is therefore imperative that you maintain regular contact with loved ones to improve your mood and make it easier to deal with these stressful and lonely times.
Stay Active
When self-isolating, it is important to make sure that you stay active. Whilst it is impossible to go to a gym and inadvisable to exercise in a public space, we would highly recommend engaging in moderate exercise at home, ideally for 30 minutes a day. Exercise is one of the best ways to fight symptoms of mental health problems, and people who are less physically active are more at risk of anxiety and depression.
Eat well and stay hydrated
Make sure to think about your diet carefully – this is vital to both your physical and mental health. If your regular routine changes or you are less active than usual, your blood sugar levels are certain to affect your mood and energy levels, so be sure to eat healthily and drink enough water to ensure your body is in its best condition.
Social media is everywhere. If we’re not updating our connections about where we’ve been or what we’re seeing, we’re no doubt uploading a photo of the delicious meal we’re about to eat. The popularity of sharing our experiences via social channels can’t be denied, with an estimated 2.77 billion social media users globally, and it plays a significant role in our lives – both at work and at home. But has our need to keep people updated on our every move or thought gone too far?
An often debated benefit of social media is that it reduces isolation by connecting people all over the world, as you are able to track what your friend in New Zealand is up to, without needing to stay up late to Skype. However, in many ways, this connectivity can be a ‘false reality’ – simply a window through which you see just a snapshot of another person’s life – you don’t know what they’re really thinking or feeling, emotions which can only be delved into during a conversation.
Additionally, this snapshot is often carefully choreographed, and portrays the subject at their best, without realities to impair the moment. As a result, when seeing these pictures of perfection, it’s natural to envisage their perfect life and compare their experiences to yours, which may not live up in comparison. It’s not surprising to learn that a recent study by researchers from the University of Houston in Texas has shown that social media is contributing to depression due to users comparing themselves to others.*
So, bearing this in mind, is it time we put down Snapchat, deleted Facebook or disabled Instagram for a while, to give us not only a break from the perfect lives of others, but also to regain perspective?
If you’re considering taking a social media holiday, bear the following in mind:
Suspend your accounts – suspending them for a week means you can take a break without the temptation to check for any new notifications.
Take the time for face-to-face – cutting down on virtual messaging may free up time to meet your friends in person. This not only allows you to have a proper catch up, it also fills the void in terms of knowing what’s going on
Regain your focus – how many times have you missed a crucial moment on TV due to checking someone else’s holiday photos? Not having these distractions will help you tune into the moment more freely.
Get an alarm clock – it’s easy to use your phone as an alarm clock, but this encourages you to look at it as soon as you wake. Try a conventional alarm clock and turn your phone off overnight. The blue light used by phones disrupts sleep**, so it may help your sleep quality too by switching it off completely.
Rather than going cold turkey it’s best to start small and build up to something. Why not start by turning off notifications for an hour, then two, building up to a whole day, or even a week at a time? Check out apps designed to block sites at certain times of the day. This helps to avoid that mindless checking and re-checking we all fall victim to!
Taking the plunge and giving up social media for a week or more can be an incredibly refreshing experience. It lets you live in the present, and remember memories in real-time, instead of via a camera lens. Technology has made it so easy for us to stay connected and to know our friends’ ins and outs, but it shouldn’t replace face-to-face contact as this is not always the healthy or desirable option.
Experiencing stress and mental health challenges is a normal part of many people’s lives – for additional support, visit AXA PPP healthcare.
It can be hard to know what to do to if a friend or family member is struggling with their mental health. Here are six tips to help you, help them.
Free-Photos / Pixabay
Send a text
Free-Photos / Pixabay
It might be a small gesture but sending someone a text to let them know you’re thinking of them can really help. Don’t expect a text back, but just reaching out can let somebody know that you’re thinking about them and that you love them.
Depending on your friend’s circumstances, it might be a good idea to deliver a simple care package. Someone who is dealing with bereavement or who has lost their job might forget about the practical things in life, like toothpaste or washing up liquid or even milk. Getting a few things together and dropping them around might be a great way to start a conversation. Be sensitive to your friend, however. Pride can be hurt so don’t go over the top.
If you pop over, or just happen to have them on the phone it’s always useful to ask the right question. Chloe Ward is a Technician at Smart TMS, the UK’s leading mental health clinic specialising in Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation, tell us, “Are you okay?” is a great opener, adding, “Simple but effective. It may be that no one has asked that simple question for a while and if you follow this up with ‘is there anything I can do to help?’, they may feel safe enough to begin the conversation”
Don’t try and fix them
This can be really tough because you might feel like you’ve got the answer, but it’s always best to let people work out their own answers that will work with their circumstances. Also, how often do people really take advice? Especially when it isn’t asked for… never. So ask your friend what they think could help them out and explore their ideas with them. It can be tough but try not to judge, just listen.
Just listen
Free-Photos / Pixabay
If your friend starts to talk, let them speak. Don’t interrupt in the first few minutes. If you’re confused about the timeline or the people involved, circle back round to it in your repeat back.
Let your friend know that they can call the Samaritans or Switchboard LGBT+ Helpline. It might seem like an obvious idea, but sometimes we need to hear an idea to act on it.
Speaking to a stranger or someone on the end of a phone, who isn’t connected to them in any way can be a way in which your friend might feel more comfortable sharing their problems with. Samaritan’s phone number is: 116 123 or Switchboard is: 0330 330 0630.
We are all aware of reports in the media regarding suicide rates. So much so that sometimes we’d really rather not think about it. Understandably the repetitive nature of some of the stories means we may have become desensitised to what is, in all honesty, a truly tragic event.
You are not alone. There are many organisations you can reach out to.
The contagious nature of suicide is well documented. As seen in our universities, often multiple suicides will follow each other. In France the press refrain from reporting death from suicide on the underground as it’s been proven to trigger spates of similar acts. Recommended reading: Stay
What is less understood, however, is the positive effects of rejecting suicide as an option – positive contagion. With increased understanding the hope is we can have a positive impact.
As a therapist I’m often incensed when someone mentions how selfish the act of suicide is.
Just to be clear… if you can’t imagine how anyone could get to that point, then please consider yourself very fortunate.
Many of us may not have got to the planning stage but can certainty identify with the feeling or sentiment. Try to think of a time when you really felt life was too much and you weren’t sure how you were going to get through the next day. I f you can do that you might have a sniff of how it feels to be in the grip of despair. I say grip because that’s as close a description I can give as to how the people I sit with communicate this phenomenon to me. Have you ever been driven to achieve or wanted something so badly that all you can think about is how achieving or having this thing will make feel better, then you will also have an idea of how it feels to contemplate suicide.
When this feeling drives us to succeed it is seen by society as a positive attribute, when not then it’s seen as a negative. When we have tipped into depression these thoughts can, in fact, almost take on a life of their own – over which some people may have little or no control. A driver is a driver – if we have the ability to push ourselves, this attribute can work for us as it can against us.
At this point I feel it’s only fair to say that some believe suicide is not necessarily a bad thing. Assisted dying would be a case in point. In Ancient Greece the idea of a good death was highly valued.
For the purposes of this article we are going to focus on what we perceive to be the tragic lives cut short when there might have been an intervention that could have helped.
One of the most tragic of forms of death is when a person takes their own life. We could say that not only they have fallen victim to this tragedy, but the knock on effect to their family and friends, who are often victims as well, is extreme
Correctly identifying the causes of suicide within the gay community is difficult as there are a myriad of reasons why one would end their life, and it is hard to pin point the degree to which our sexuality plays a role. But it is probably safe to say that the suicide rate within the UK gay community is increasing.
“Research shows that more than 40 per cent of LGBTQ+ people will experience a significant mental health problem in their lives, compared to around 25 per cent of the whole population, and people from the LGBTQ+ community are more than twice as likely to have attempted suicide. More than four in five (84 per cent) of transgender people have considered suicide and 50 per cent have actually attempted suicide, compared to an average of less than 6 per cent in the wider population.” (https://www.mind.org.uk/news-campaigns/news/celebrities-stephen-fry-and-juno-dawson-support-mind-s-lgbtqplus-mental-health-event) In my opinion this speaks to the lack of understanding we have of the complex nature of this phenomenon. We do know that if are male you are 75% more likely to succeed than if you were a female.
Unhelpful Beliefs Only Add to the Confusion and Pain
In 400 BC Aquinas elevated suicide to a mortal sin. Some religions believe your soul will be damned if you take your own life. Others believe you will be rewarded. Our evolved society now understands the dogma various religions was used to influence its members. However now these methods have become outdated. According to Jung society has a collective unconscious. From literature to television the script we have been fed and possibly internalised would suggest the suicidal act is depraved, wrong or sinful. Feelings many in the gay community can identify with.
Death divorce life and death can all trigger to feelings of depression. Add to that living in a society that still struggles to respect and accept homosexuality and it’s not hard to see how people within the gay community are more prone to feelings of worthlessness, shame and unacceptance thus may make it more likely to experience suicidal thoughts: understanding yourself and what you are feeling is key.
Try to engage with your future self. Remember that the loudest voice in your head might not be the best one to listen to. Speak to a trusted friend or therapist to try and help you understand what those voices are saying.
If your tendency is for extreme highs and lows anyway, add to that a traumatic event or a bereavement and those lows can seem very low indeed. A well-recognised symptom of depression is frightening thoughts. Try to remember that thoughts are just thoughts and feelings are just feelings – neither should be in the driving seat. We often miss assign our thoughts, especially when we are feeling down.
Some past misdemeanour slip shame or guilt can push us to places we wouldn’t have believed possible when we are feeling low. Many within the gay community will be able to identify with this. But you may not be aware the destructive nature these thoughts can have. Don’t suffer in silence – talk to someone – friend, counsellor, Samaritans.
We can often feel trapped in the world. Some people believe that suicide is the ultimate choice. Try to remember there are many ways out of our current situations that we often may not see. When we are low, suicide can seem like a luminous exit sight in the doorway of our lives. If you can recognise any of these symptoms try and seek help.
Recent monies promised by the government are earmarked for emergency care rather than long term prevention policies. Compare the resources dedicated to fighting terrorism which kills a fraction of our society with the amount of time and money spent on suicide prevention and it is not hard to see why we aren’t making any serious impact in fighting the increasing suicide rate. Less than 40 people were killed in 2017 in the UK in terrorist related incidents (https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/0/many-people-killed-terrorist-attacks-uk) compared with more than 6,213 self-inflicted deaths (https://www.samaritans.org/sites/default/files/suicide_statistics_report_2018.pdf ). According to the UK government website they spent/will spend over £730 million on fighting terrorism in 2017/18. (https://www.gov.uk/government/news/multi-million-pound-boost-for-counter-terrorism-policing)
However, we are slowly starting to see a welcome change in our government’s psyche with the Prime Minister’s appointment of Jackie Doyle-Price, the UK’s first minister for suicide prevention. May has also pledged £1.8 million to help ensure the charity can continue providing its free helpline for the next four years. The Government “has also promised more support in schools, bringing in new mental health support teams and offering help in measuring students’ health, including their mental well-being.” It is imperative that we educate and increase our understanding of the complex social issues that affect those in the gay community. We need to highlight the isolation gay men can feel and offer them a safe caring environment to discuss their feelings.
We all suffer – it’s the human condition. In knowing that, we know we are not alone. Help is out there. Whatever the wrongs and rights in the words of Shakespeare, remember we all have the choice to be or not to be. In the words of Rudyard Kipling’s poem If
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
In this article, I am reaching out to tell you are not alone and to ask you to PLEASE find the courage to be.
Psycotherapist Jane Barnfield Jukes is Founder of Online Therapy Service The Practice (www.thepractice.co.uk). To book a free telephone consultation for online therapy please call 0333 0096 321.
Jane is also Founder of Eudeamon natural supplements. Their supplements are natural way to overcome emotional and psychological difficulties and are available from Amazon.co.uk
The researchers interviewed 21 gay men who had recently been diagnosed with HIV in London or Brighton. Most of the men thought that a combination of factors contributed to risk behaviours and HIV infection.
Each year, more than half of HIV diagnoses in the UK are in gay and bisexual men. A new study paints a picture of the complex reasons, including chemsex, use of dating apps, childhood trauma and stressful life events, that are associated with gay men acquiring the virus. Because of the success of HIV medication in treating HIV and extending life expectancy, changing ideas about how serious it is to have HIV was also seen to be a factor.
Childhood trauma
Many respondents in the study described difficult experiences during childhood, including dysfunctional relationships with parents and bullying at school, which had long-lasting impacts on their mental health. A few men grew up in environments where gay men were highly stigmatised, which could result in low self-esteem. Some respondents linked such experiences with subsequent drug use. One man said,
“I mean it probably was the perfect storm you know, they [drugs] got me at a time…mid-forties when I wasn’t that secure, there were a few issues, I was looking for fun…it was an escape and it seemed at the time that it was…enjoyable.”
Drugs and apps
The researchers interviewed 21 gay men who had recently been diagnosed with HIV in London or Brighton. Most of the men thought that a combination of factors contributed to risk behaviours and HIV infection. Another interviewee said:
“The sex and the drugs and the apps all intertwined simultaneously and I can’t really say which one led to the other.”
Matthew Hodson, Executive Director of NAM aidsmap commented, “All too often discussion of HIV within the gay communities is reduced to gay men being somehow ‘irresponsible’. The reality is that gay men’s lives are complex and the reasons that gay men may engage in sex that carries a risk of acquiring HIV are complex too. The homophobia which underpins the idea that gay men are irresponsible, in itself, seems to have played a role in many men not finding themselves able to avoid HIV infection.”
Recent stressful events caused psychological distress for many participants. These included the death of family members, relationship break-ups, violent partners, loss of friendships and health problems. A number of men were exposed to multiple psycho-social risk factors and the combination could be devastating.
Valuing your own life
“I didn’t value my life… Because so much had happened and I’d been through so much in the past three, four, five years with…break ups and losing everything and emotional things and deaths and God knows what else, it almost becomes a bit “all my life has just been so crap anyway what’s the point, do I really care if I get it [HIV] anyway?”
Dating apps provided convenient access to multiple sexual partners for many participants, regardless of age. They could also introduce men to chill outs and chemsex.
HIV is managed by taking “a few pills a day”
Some interviewees, especially middle-aged men, talked about the shifting perception of HIV in the gay community. Thanks to the availability of effective HIV treatment and good medical care, HIV was widely perceived to be a manageable condition.
“Everyone knows somebody positive now and knows that they’re fit and healthy and they take a few pills a day…That’s a huge factor in why so few people use protection anymore…because it has become a treatable illness…I think it changed everyone’s risk calculations, because even if the worst did happen, it was no longer the worst.”
Psychological issues and drug use were often mentioned in combination. For example, a man in his forties identified the important factors in his HIV infection as:
“The drugs…but also depression because I didn’t care about taking risks…I gave up.”
When thinking about why gay men have risky sexual behaviour, the researchers say that individual factors (like difficult childhood experiences) are important to take into account. At the same time, we also need to think about the wider community and society. For example, some interviewees felt that recreational drugs were too easy to come by or that risk taking was normalised in some parts of the gay scene.
“Recently acquired HIV infection among (gay and bisexual men) reflects a complex web of factors operating at different levels,” says Annabelle Gourlay of University College London.
Matthew Hodson of NAM aidsmap added, “There is a wide variety of factors involved in gay men being vulnerable to HIV infection. HIV prevention can be most effective when it identifies the individuals who are most likely to acquire HIV, the times when they are most vulnerable, and the strategies that will work for them. A ‘one size fits all’ approach to prevention is not sufficient to deal with such complex needs.”
Depression and mental health have been hot topic subjects of late and sometimes spotting the signs can be difficult.
We spoke to psychotherapist Andrew Smith clinical director of TherAppUK Ltd who gave us 10 pointers to look out for.
1. Social Withdrawal.
This is when someone may become more withdrawn from social activities, and not be as interested in going out and socialising. However, more importantly, they may not be doing anything else as an alternative. Give them an invite to something and mean it. As a therapist, we often use the boundary of a session to gently challenge clients who would wish to withdraw.
2. Being Less communicative.
Has the talking stopped? Keep the conversation going. It can really help if the person opposite really feels like you care about what they are saying.
Most people who are struggling with difficult feelings and experiences often lose an ability to engage in dialogue with their loved ones. This happens over time and is a gradual response to depressive feelings. Keep talking, even if it feels like drivel, and really listen to what people are saying. It is very difficult to push away someone who is genuinely interested in you.
3. Isolation.
This is the effect, not always the cause. Pop around to see them, offer to help out, and persevere. Often, the message that someone is not going away, no matter how hard they are going to be pushed, is so important. Therapy is a further way of helping this, in a far less pressured way.
4. Health.
As we descend into the spiral of depression and anxiety, we often lose sight of how taking care of ourselves (better things to worry about), and gradually this can lead to poorer choices in food, sexual health, financial matters, and exercise. Ironically, good choices in all of these can help immensely in our recovery. So ‘encourage’ someone to take up a new activity with you (yoga can be amazing), try a meditation class, and cook some healthy food together.
Damaged Goods or just quirky? In this article, I’d like to look at the concept of “damaged goods” and what we think that means.
We’ve all heard of the term and most of us in one form or another believe we have baggage of some kind that we carry from one person to another. In recent years, I have seen examples of people that have carried around that the belief that in one form or another they are ‘damaged goods’. Their damage comes in all shapes and sizes, some of it small and ‘quirky’ and some of it far larger and core to who they believe they are.
But we can’t really talk about ‘goods’ without talking about baggage. Now we all have baggage in one for another. Experiences, both good and bad, have formed the person we are today and how we respond to different situations. To every relationship (romantic, business, family or friend) you will always bring with you those good and bad bags.
Good bags could be things like a sense of right and wrong, being a hard worker, kindness, care and attention or even an ability to listen. But what are some of the ‘not so good’ bags? Is there such a thing?
Examples of the ‘less that constructive’ emotional bags that people carry could be things like an inability to easily trust, a need for reassurance, over-reaction, inflexibility, selfishness or even a short fuse. All are examples of behaviours that when expressed lead to confusion, miscommunication and negative emotions.
A study conducted in 2014 and published in the Independent newspaper seemed to imply that gay relationships are more likely to be happy and content. But how can this be so? We all carry baggage in one form or another. We have all been bullied or oppressed in one form or another and the negative behaviours those experiences leave are powerful. I’ve seen relationships end due to ghosts of past horrors and indeed scars that have not healed in quite the way they should have.
On the flip side, because most of us have seen trouble in our lives does that mean we actively seek and protect what is more precious to us? That we learn from these experiences and seek out things that make us happy, together as a couple and not just as a sole survivor of life?
But if that’s true then why early this year in August 2016 was it shown that depression and low self-esteem was on the rise amongst gay men? If gay men don’t see themselves as worthy that belief will trickle into their relationships and their workings of that relationship. What becomes a little issue to one becomes a massive issue to another, purely because of the value we place on that issue. But everyone’s values are different so how can you possibly hope to know what it means 100% of the time? To a boy selling his cow at the Market a bean is a symbol of hope, but to the seller of the bean it is just a bean.
Having been there with depression I’d freely admit that I carry my own baggage (both constructive and non-constructive) and can see the situations that they can get you in. It’s taken me a good couple of years to accept and examine those goods and even now I admit that there could be more in my cargo hold that I’ve not seen yet.
The only piece of advice I can give anyone is to remember that we only see with our own eyes and we cannot see everything. As human beings, we cannot know everything and we cannot know what someone is thinking. The truth of the world is always changing depending on where you are standing, therefore keep moving. Look for another angle and you’ll get as close to a truth as you can, and you’d be surprised how often those ‘damaged goods’ are actually quirks that could be quite valuable.
Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.
The loss of life after the Orlando tragedies is almost impossible to comprehend. As we, the LGBT community feel intuitively connected to those in our community, no matter where we are the attack felt close to home. It felt as if members of our own family were targeted at that club and it will probably be a very long time before we have emotionally recovered from the damage.
If it feels that way for us. Imagine how it must feel for those that knew the victims: their partners, their parents, their friends and family. How will they cope? If someone close to you was among the victims, how will you cope?
“Everyone grieves in different ways. For some, it could take longer or shorter. I do know it never disappears. An ember still smoulders inside me. Most days, I don’t notice it, but, out of the blue, it’ll flare to life.”
Sudden loss and bereavement can leave you feeling numb, overcome with grieve or confused. The loss of someone close to you hits hard and deep. There is the shock, the disbelieve, having to comfort and be strong for others, guilt, denial and often much, much later the true outpouring of pain and hurt.
The fact that the true response only comes weeks and sometimes months after the event makes it harder to cope with. You thought you had been dealing well, your friends and family thought you had moved on, you had returned to work. And suddenly there you are, in tears every night, feeling worse than the day you heard the news. Reality hit you: he or she is truly gone.
A lot people try to ignore this reaction: it is silly, you can’t suddenly feel like this after all this time.
They feel too embarrassed to tell those closest to them, often thinking: “it’s been such a long time, they may think I’m attention seeking.”
Then there are many that just cannot stop grieving. This is often wrongly judged as “wallowing”, but it is not. The hole left behind by the loved one is so big that they simply don’t know how to cope. There are people out there that get knocked for six with just their favourite TV show ending – it was part of their lives – so imagine if it is a person you saw and loved every day for many years.
Like the delayed griever, they might too try to repress their emotions, thinking it is the right thing to do. No, it is the wrong thing to do.
Repressing the pain can lead to physical manifestations of the pain often in the form of depression.
So please do seek someone to talk to, a person you truly trust. Go online to find like-minded people. Or seek counselling, there is no shame in this!! A therapist has the skills to deal with your problems and you don’t need to worry about them not wanting to listen to you: it’s their job!!
A good way to accompany counselling or to try and deal with the pain, in general, is to practise Mindfulness. This might surprise you because isn’t Mindfulness about “being in the moment, and isn’t “the moment” exactly what we are trying to avoid? Well, “the moment” is a big part of it, but what is far more important is getting the mind to be still, so you are no longer a prisoner of your thoughts. Training your mind to be quiet is a good aid to tide you over when you feel grief and despair washing over you.
“Grief can often feel like chronic stress, and research shows that 20-30 minutes of twice daily mindfulness practice can alter how your brain processes stress after about eight weeks. Mindfulness practice during grief can help your mind and body find precious moments of peace during this difficult time. Regular mindfulness practice can also help you sleep better and is a crucial foundation for developing healthier habits during your grief journey.”
There are many courses out there so you can pick any that would serve you best. Taking a course would also help get you out of the house into a new situation where you can meet new people, so it is always a win. If you don’t feel like going out, there are dozens of online classes available too, many of them free.
While counselling and mindfulness might work to help you on your way, you still have to take it one day at the time. For every good day there can be four bad ones.
But if you cherish these good days and every fun moment you experience you can remind yourself on the bad days that: you are allowed to have fun and don’t have to feel guilty. When you start believing this you can slowly move on.
Never force yourself to move on if you don’t feel ready, though: you are allowed bad days too. You don’t have to get up if you don’t want to, there is no fault in that. In many ways it is healthy to not force yourself out of a depression. It has been said that the best way to look at depression is to treat it like a flu inside the brain. But don’t forget: a flu doesn’t last four weeks and even people with the flu have to do their shopping and take a shower.
By this I mean: don’t start to neglect yourself, it will only drag you down more. Always take a shower and try to eat something, even on the bad days.
Use the good days to make plans with someone you like. In fact, make a deal with someone you like that says that: if you have been in bed or at the house and depressed for more than 3 days, they have to take you out for a walk, a lunch, the zoo etc and you are not allowed to complain.
Once you are outside the mind usually clears and a new happy moment to treasure during the bad times will follow.
Remember: no matter how bad you may feel now, there is always hope.
