THEGAYUK

Day: 3 November 2020

  • DILEMMA | It’s been a year and I still can’t get over my ex

    DILEMMA | It’s been a year and I still can’t get over my ex

    Dear Uncle,

    It’s been a year since me and my first boyfriend broke up and I’m still can’t get over him. We were together for 2 years and unfortunately, it really didn’t end too well. One day he just said it wasn’t working and that he wanted to move on. Up until that point, I thought that we and our relationship was doing well. I did notice in the last month that he seemed more distance and we weren’t having as much sex as we were in the beginning, but I just put that down to being together for 2 years.

    The break up came out of the blue and he moved out almost immediately. I was really shocked by it. I begged him and pleaded with him to come back and talk to me. He actually ended up blocking me after a month or so and I’ve been left here, feeling like complete shit.

    I feel broken by the experience and very alone. I feel like I’ve alienated myself from my friends and I’m sure they are done with my talking about him. They say I should move on. But I feel completely stuck.

    I have met with other guys, had a few dates, but nothing sticks because I keep thinking about him.

    Is it normal to not be over an ex after a year?

    Tomas

    Dear Tomas,

    I feel your pain. Breakups are never easy, whether you’re the breaker or the breakee and without a doubt, your ex did a horrible thing to you, by not explaining his actions. I really do feel that if you’re going to break up with someone, you have to be completely honest with them. I think it helps with closure.

    By not telling you, he’s still in control of you, because it’s led you, understandably down a path of fixation, wondering and abandonment and by blocking you, without engaging with your questions, he’s still controlling the narrative. Which you can, and will change.

    Let me say, it’s completely normal to not be over someone you’ve loved after any period of time and the time it takes for someone to get over an ex, will be different for everyone, you just have to trust that over time your pain will subside and there’s no schedule to follow.

    He has scarred you and scars stay with us for life, but will diminish slowly over time and fade, but if we’re wise we can use that scar to remind us that everything eventually heals and what you’re left with is fresh, new skin, which is stronger than what it replaced. Healing is truly remarkable, but you have to let it happen and stop picking at the scar, no matter how itchy or tempting it is to reveal the renewed skin underneath. You have to let the process happen and one day the scab will fall away.

    Dealing with heartbreak is just the same. Give yourself time, don’t beat yourself up and reach out to people and talk. If you think your friends have had enough ex chat then why not try an LGBT+ helpline like Switchboard.

    Have you got a dilemma you’d like answered? Check out our dilemmas page and let us know what’s going on.

  • HIV diagnoses in gay and bi men are at their lowest in 20 years

    HIV diagnoses in gay and bi men are at their lowest in 20 years

    The number of cases of new HIV diagnoses in gay and bisexual men has fallen by 80%, to its lowest point in 20 years.

    The new data, released today from Public Health England (PHE) shows that there were 1,700 new infections in 2019, down from a peak of 2,700 in 2011. However, the number of actual new infections, happening within the year was actually 540 – this is because people can live with HIV for some time without being aware of their status.

    Before 2019’s new low, the lowest point was in the year 2000, when there were 1500 new cases in gay and bi men.

    New cases in heterosexual people also hit a new low, of 1,600 – the lowest since 1998.

    While the proportion of people diagnosed late remained high at 42%, the overall number decreased from around 1,900 in 2015 to 1,300 in 2019.  People diagnosed late in 2019 had an eight-fold risk of death compared to those diagnosed promptly.

    Why has the decline happened?

    The decline in HIV transmission in gay and bisexual men can be directly linked to the increase in combination prevention, including the use of condoms, pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), frequent HIV testing in a wide range of settings, and starting antiretroviral therapy (ART) as soon as possible after diagnosis.

    According to the PHE, treatment is now so effective that 97% of people receiving ART have undetectable levels of the virus which means it is impossible to pass the virus on, even if having sex without condoms. Undetectable = untransmittable (U=U). 

    HIV Testing is vital

    HIV testing is vital for preventing HIV-related illness and death and to achieve the goal of ending HIV transmission in the UK by 2030. The UK continues to meet the United Nations Programme on HIV and AIDS (UNAIDS) 90-90-90 targets for the third consecutive year; however, there are opportunities to improve uptake of testing and support those testing positive to continue their treatment.

    Almost 300,000 people declined to have an HIV test when they attended a specialist sexual health service. Black African heterosexual women attendees were more likely to decline a test than Black African heterosexual men (20% vs 9% declined testing) but less likely than heterosexual women and men overall (25% vs 13%). More focussed conversations on HIV, testing, prevention and treatment in schools and clinical settings can help to combat high rates of declined tests.

    By comparison, only 4% of gay and bisexual men attending specialist sexual health services declined an HIV test; this is the group in which the greatest declines in HIV transmission have been achieved.

    Dr Valerie Delpech, Head of HIV Surveillance at Public Health England, said, “In the UK, we have made great progress towards eliminating HIV transmission by 2030. Frequent HIV testing, the offer of PrEP among those most at risk of HIV, together with prompt treatment among those diagnosed, remain key to ending HIV transmission by 2030.

    “Further progress can only be achieved if we also address the inequalities in reducing HIV transmission that exist around sexuality, ethnicity and geography.”

    How to stop HIV?

    The most common way of getting HIV in the UK is through sex with a person who is unaware of their HIV infection.

    You can protect yourself from HIV by consistent and correct condom use with new and casual partners, by using PrEP, or if your partner is on treatment and is undetectable if they are living with HIV. Correct and consistent condom use will also stop you getting or transmitting other STIs.

    People can get tested through free tests available from sexual health clinics, GP surgeries, as well as through a self-sampling service or by using a self-testing kit.