THEGAYUK

Category: Sex Debate

  • What!? You’re in an open relationship??

    What!? You’re in an open relationship??

    Call me “Mr Old Fashioned”, but am I the only one to be surprised by a number of gay relationships that are classed as in an “open” status? Is this really so common? What percentage of relationships are open? And does that figure correspond to heterosexual relationships? Am I behind the times?

    What Is It Exactly?

    An open relationship is defined as “an interpersonal relationship in which the parties want to be together but agree to a form of a non-monogamous relationship”.

    This concept has been recognised since the 1970s, I’m assuming since the ideology of ‘free love’ became so prevalent. In an ever changing world of increasing acceptance towards LGBT, has the presence of open relationships become more apparent? Are you more likely to be involved in an open gay relationship than a heterosexual one? A recent study indicates that around 3% of adults in the US are currently in an open relationship, and 14% would consider being in one if they had the chance. Whereas a similar study also in the US but purely involving gay couples, concluded that 32% were currently engaged in an open relationship.

    Another surprise to my traditionalist views is the variety of open relationships and their labels.

    The obvious scenario seems to be non-monogamy, a type of interpersonal relationship in which sexual exclusivity is not held as the primary fundamental premise of the relationship. So it may be that the sex is required more so by one partner than the other, thus the accepted need to find it elsewhere needs addressing – by hunting further afield.

    Cuckoldry – is where a person has sex with another individual with the consent of their partner.

    Ménage à trois – is a sexual arrangement involving three people. Add any more people and it can be interpreted as an organised social activity more commonly known as swinging.

    Some have even taken it further… group marriage is where more than two people are all considered to be married to one another.

    How Common Is It Now?

    I expected most people’s opinions to relate to this concept as cynical and unrealistic, but the idea seems to be becoming more apparent and accepted.

    It’s surprisingly easy on dating sites, to find a couple, or a single member of an open relationship, browsing for an additional sexual partner. This makes for some interesting conversation. A profile picture of two guys/girls appears at the forefront of your Tindr feed, shows 2 miles away on Grindr, or leads the row of pictures across the bottom of your POF search function. How can we politely ask if he or she is the better looking one of the two? In the past, I’ve not been afraid to ask. However, a reply I experience more and more is “we’re actually a couple”. Sod’s law dictates that it’s never the more attractive one that I’d be talking to anyway. But the act of appearing on dating sites entrusted with a partner is certainly intriguing…

    So I did some digging. There are plenty of websites and apps now dedicated to finding opportunities to participate in an open relationship or sexual endeavours within or without one.

    Kenblackman.com – is a website for couples practising/considering consensual non-monogamy…

    Openminded.com – “Find like-minded individuals that keep an open mind about monogamous relationships” – another online dating site for open relationships.

    Even celebrities are more commonly honest about their open relationships…

    Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher – their marriage lasted from 2005-2013 and the relationship was defined as open, as long as they were physically together.

    Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green – according to an interview taken by OK magazine, Megan is the one who is permitted to stray. The fact that they built their relationship with such a free understanding of each other and are still together and happily making babies, shows that something must be working.

    So Can It Actually Work?

    Can these relationships be stronger, due to the exceptional amount of trust involved? Can it actually help the relationship become more intimate, and last longer? Or does it open up trust issues and lower the boundaries to a point that a relationship has no real foundations or uniqueness? There are arguments for both.

    One of the main problems identified in an open relationship is that of jealousy. Any human being wouldn’t be complete without this personality trait. Some may be more prone to experiencing it than others.

    But the success of an open relationship would seem to hinge on the need for a laid back personality in both partners, where the ability to turn off the jealousy triggers would be so important. It seems to be more accepted in long distance relationships or in those that involve large amounts of time away from each other.

    Could an open relationship be used as a positive? Would it encourage the two members of that relationship to work harder at it, and become more open within one another? After all, if the jealousy isn’t there, is it a question of whether that person’s feelings are strong enough for his partner, if he feels no amount of remorse letting him or her have intimate relations with someone else. The risk is always there, that they might take a stronger liking to that third wheel and end their current relationship.

    Some couples may see the opportunity to spice up their sex life by inviting a third person into their bedroom. Is it really possible to overcome the jealousy and other emotional barriers to go through with it and still remain completely committed to your partner? Is there not an underlying doubt that one may become attached to another person and end their current relationship? If that concern isn’t there, then is the relationship right in the first place?

    Consider this route for your own partnership. Can you openly ask your ‘significant other’ about it when you’ve finished reading this article? And how would you do that, without risking damaging the relationship because your partner completely disagrees with your way of thinking? To show your hand might be risky. They could be equally open to the idea (don’t come back to me if you get in trouble).

    Why Not?

    Whichever way you look at it, if a couple can make it work what’s the problem really? Friends will have their own opinions on it, but it comes down to what will work for you. Could your best friends, neighbours, or even a relative be in an open relationship but you’re unaware as they don’t want to publish this openly within their social circle?

    Personally, my mind is opening up to the idea, if not in a relationship of my own, but that of friends, colleagues and so on. Thinking about it, I have respected friends that have been honest and proud enough to tell me they share their partner(s) with others and still hold a very committed loving relationship.

    We could be entering an era in which open relationships will be increasingly accepted in the modern world. We could see a shift as much as the LGBT community is more commonly accepted today than it was fifty years ago.

     

    This could be the next big step in an ever-accepting social revolution.

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | “Always Wear A Condom” Isn’t Enough

    It’s some thirty years since the AIDS pandemic began to decimate the gay community. Anyone who survived that time, or, like me, watched on in fear, will never forget the very simple message disseminated at the time: Always Wear A Condom.

    How is it then, with such a simple rule to follow, HIV acquisition rates, especially among young gay men, are rising, not falling? Something’s not quite connecting and this was something I wanted to address in This Book Is Gay, the first guide to sex and relationships for young, modern LGBT people.

    It’s my job, I believe, to not sugar-coat or pretty-up sex for young adults. I don’t think that’s helping. So here’s the truth no-one dares utter: Sex feels better without a condom. A contact describes sex with a condom as ‘like wearing a raincoat in the shower’ and he has a point. The new question becomes ‘is sex so much better without a condom, it’s worth gambling your health?’ Of course the answer is NO, but we can’t rule out this most basic of reasons why some gay and bi men choose to eschew condoms.

    That’s not the whole story. The post-pandemic generation was sufficiently scared into condom-compliance regardless of how much better sex might feel. I’d argue poor education is chiefly to blame, and is certainly the impetus behind This Book Is Gay. By this, I mean both school-based sex education and general health messages. Now that there are effective treatments for managing HIV perhaps emphasis has slipped as a public health issue.

    I interviewed a young man who wished to remain anonymous as part of my research. A pupil at a Catholic school, he received very little sex education at all and didn’t feel able to talk to his parents about sex. As such, with little media awareness, he truly believed AIDS was something that affected women in Africa. He tested HIV positive through unprotected sex aged nineteen.

    I don’t know if pornography is to blame, but it certainly doesn’t help. Post AIDS, nearly all gay porn depicted condom use (even if the condom does magically appear, hands-free, seconds before penetration). However, with a little time, bareback fetishism crept into pornography and you don’t have to look far at all to view condom-free porn. And let’s not even get into ‘bug chasing’ – that’s a whole other issue.

    The problem with porn is that it isn’t sex education. If sex education isn’t robust, young people will turn to the internet for advice, and porn provides only fantasy.

    So what can we do to reduce infection rates? I think while we must continue with the Always Wear A Condom mantra – as this is by far the most effective way to halt the spread of any STI and prevention is better than no-actual-cure – we need a second layer of education. Namely: Get Tested A Lot.

    Knowledge is power, and, HIV carriers are at their most infectious when they don’t know they’re carrying the virus. Once a patient is receiving medication, the viral load (the amount of HIV in their system) can be reduced to ‘undetectable’ levels. Basically, they are lot less infectious. If everyone knew their HIV status every time they had sex, I think we could reduce infection rates greatly.

    Guidelines suggest that sexually active gay and bi men (a high risk demographic) should be tested approximately every six months. I would suggest this should be a minimum. A finger-prick HIV test takes five minutes, you can do them yourself at home or at a sexual health clinic. It’s pain-free and the results are instant. When writing This Book Is Gay, the only reason I heard to not get tested was from a man who was simply terrified of the result.

    The next step is likely to be PrEP – Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis. High-risk groups in the US are now being given a truncated version of HIV treatment to prevent converting to HIV positive. It’s not a vaccine, however, and it’s only effective if taken routinely. Trials are still underway in this country, but it seems likely to be made available on a voluntary basis soon.

    It’s my hope that This Book Is Gay will help drag HIV into the 21st Century. Young people must be made aware of HIV, the risks, and taught the lessons we learned in the nineties but also how to approach HIV without fear and stigma, but knowledge and protection. As HIV campaigner Kristian Johns so eloquently said: ‘HIV is no longer a death sentence, but it’s one hell of a life sentence.’

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | Is porn the gay community’s worst enemy for monogamy?

    One of the most functional gay relationships I know is an open one. Both of them are well-educated professionals in their late twenties. They’ve been together for years. I hear one speak of the other and I can’t help but feel jealous. It’s obvious to anyone that they are so in love with each other. But I struggle to understand how they can be so in love whilst in an open relationship.

    My theory is that it all comes down to porn. We discover porn during adolescence. Be we gay or straight, every teenage boy seeks it out and finds it in some capacity. It soon becomes a daily routine. As it is a depiction of sex, it has become one of the cornerstones of the gay community. As such, it has become the enemy within.

    The problem with porn is that it is (as we all know) a fantasy. It’s not real. Clever make-up tricks, good lighting and flattering camera angles all conspire to create that which is impossible to mimic every moment of the day and night. But what we see on our laptop screens are people having sex – which is a reality.

    The struggle that so many of us seem to have with monogamy is that we expect the sexual aspect of a relationship to live up to the fantasy of porn.

    Once the novelty of our new boyfriends wear off, our minds drift to the fulfilment we could potentially receive from someone else. That someone else – he could be that little bit more aggressive. He might do that one thing your boyfriend casually mentioned in passing that he would never do. He might even have a six-pack. To me, the allure of “what could be” is why I actively chose not to pursue relationships at university – where binge drinking, casual sex and drugs were not only accepted, but also encouraged.

    Porn is so easily accessed now that it’s effects have become diluted. We seek images and videos that are more explicit. So the choice has expanded. Most porn sites now categorise their videos into subgenres. This has caused us to develop sexual profiles.

    We all have to be ‘into something’ nowadays.

    I recall back at university (a time when I actively decided I wanted to be promiscuous to the frequency of about one guy a fortnight) I met a guy in a club and he asked me back to his. He was attractive and just as drunk as I was so I agreed. We started talking flirtatiously about our preferences for a solid twenty-five minutes.

    Alas, when I said I wasn’t prepared to indulge his foot fetish, he just said: “ah, cheers anyway, mate. See ya.” I saw him a few hours later as I was leaving the club. He was sat on his own, typing voraciously on Grindr.

    Like Jordan Lohan, I couldn’t handle an open relationship. He says he doesn’t like to share, as he is an only child. I myself am the fourth of five children. Growing up, everything that was mine would eventually have to be split five ways. I feel as though I have shared enough. A boyfriend/husband would have to be for me and me alone. But in terms of taking our model of monogamy from straight people, this is something I struggle with.

    Yes, I am one of five. But my parents married when they were very young back in the 1970s and had five children between 1978 to 1990. In my twenty five years of life, I’ve only heard them argue four times and they are still happily married to this day. How could I ever possibly live up to that perfect example of monogamy?

    As a gay twenty-something man in 2014, it makes me think that the definition of monogamy does not vary by sexuality, but more our generation.

    The pure simplicity and convenience with which we can watch porn is a testament to our growing technology. But have technological advances coincided with the cultural acceptance of homosexuality at the worst possible time?

    We still face a lot of discrimination.

    But in the Western world, we are more accepted than ever before. Had this acceptance come about in the ’70s and ’80s, we may not struggle with monogamy now. In decades past, it was so much easier for gay men to have casual sex in secrecy than it was to have a relationship with the same discretion. Had we been accepted way back when, it might have given us a chance to master monogamy before the advent of porn showed us what we were supposedly missing.

    Porn is everywhere and all sexualities access it. The ease with which it can be accessed, and the frequency feed us a lie about a ‘world of options’. Why buy the cow when we can just have the milk?

    Porn has lied to us. It just created the illusion that we’re just too spoilt for choice.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | World Health Organisation Moves To Medicate All Homosexual Men

    For the first time in history, the World Health Organisation (WHO) has suggested that all men who have sex with men should take antiretroviral medication. Warning that if no action is taken, there would be a serious risk of an HIV infection rates exploding around the world.

    The WHO is the directing and coordinating authority for health within the United Nations. As such, they are responsible for leading global health matters, shaping the research agenda and setting the standards in health trends.

    Gottfriend Hirnschall, the head of WHO’s HIV department, says that infection rates of HIV among homosexual men are on the rise again, 33 years after the epidemic hit. Further, than this, he believes that the infection doesn’t hold as much fear to a younger generation with access to drugs that enable users to live with AIDS.

    The guidelines have been published after a period of a significant drop in HIV transmission rates between 2001 and 2012.

    Antiretroviral medication is the most common used method of managing HIV/AIDS, treatment being a combination of two drugs, in one pill, taken daily for the rest of the individual’s life. There are several issues with the use of such medication, the main one being an intolerance to the drug, which can have serious side effects such as gastrointestinal tract intolerance, hypersensitivity and central nervous system adverse effects. With such severe side effects, it must be questioned why the WHO would subject them on healthy individuals unnecessarily.

    The suggested approach is known as pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), meaning that even those who are not infected would be required to take the medication. With the hope that it could cut the number of new diagnoses by up to 20%.

    The WHO believe that medicating ALL homosexual men will provide an additional method of preventing infection. Along with condom use and regular testing. But activists have suggested that introducing government mandated antiretroviral would discourage the use of condoms, currently the best method to prevent the transmission of sexually transmitted infections. Resulting in an increase of other sexually transmitted infections such as gonorrhoea, chlamydia and hepatitis in the gay community.

    PrEP treatment averages at roughly £10,000 a year, per individual. This is an extremely expensive medication, especially considering that the majority of those who will be forced to take the medication will not be infected. Unfortunately, by increasing the number of people taking the drugs, with the same supply, the cost of the drug would rise. This is one of the main complaints about the proposal, as it encourages the use of a costly medicine for a preventable disease.

    The second danger of introducing this medication would be running the risk of the HIV virus evolving immunity to current drugs. Recently there has been much concern about the overuse of antibiotics and how they have become less effective as viruses evolve immunity. HIV is already a deadly disease that has been a cause of death across the globe. If it were to further evolve, current treatment would become ineffective and we would be faced with the same crises that were present in the 70s and 80s.

    Those that are most at risk of infection are gay and bisexual men, who are up to 19 times more likely to be infected with the virus than the general population, according to WHO studies. But for transgendered women, injecting drug users and female sex workers, the risk of infection can be up to 50 times higher than the general public.

    So why are the homosexual community the only ones being targeted by the WHO? By targeting the homosexual community specifically, the WHO are contributing to the stigma that HIV is a “gay disease”.

    That, in turn, creates the impression that gay sex is wrong. using HIV as a way to discriminate against homosexuals.

    In a world where homosexuality is a capital crime in five countries and punishable by imprisonment in over 70 more, the issue of stigma, discrimination and violence are still a real threat to the homosexual community. The WHO has made it clear that it does not class homosexuality as a disease, but the recent guidelines would result in homosexuals being medicated as if it were one.

    The sad truth is, that almost every other high-risk group are seeing a decrease in HIV infection rate but the homosexual community is seeing an increase since 2012. New HIV cases are being seen, mostly, in young people. This can easily be explained by the fact that gay sexual education is far more unique and complex than what is being taught or more importantly what is not being taught in schools.

    Let’s not forget that compulsory sex education is not required by UK law and back in January an amendment to introduce compulsory sex education, including information about same-sex relationships, sexual violence, consent and safe sex, was rejected by the House of Lords.

    A far cheaper alternative would be mandating by law that all young people should be taught about every form of contraception, safe sex methods and importance of regular testing. With a comprehensive sexual education, the dangers of HIV/AIDs and other STIs will be made known to the next generation. Equally as importantly, taught in such a manner, the stigma attached to HIV as the “gay” disease would hopefully be removed. Education is clearly preferable over medication.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COMMENT | Can We Ever Be Happy With Our Bodies If We Compare Ourselves To Porn Stars?

    COMMENT | Can We Ever Be Happy With Our Bodies If We Compare Ourselves To Porn Stars?

    Why Grandma, What Big Hands You’ve Got

    CREDIT: Bigstock

    Over the last couple of weeks, we have been talking about everyone’s favourite after-dinner topic, porn! Let’s be honest, we’ve all seen porn in one form or another and have all compared ourselves to the very buff, well-endowed actors (while sat drinking tea and being civilized of course…). But where does that constant need to compare ourselves to other people come from? And will we ever be happy with our own bodies enough to not care how buff the ‘other guy’ is?

    Now, I’m going to make this a little personal to me for a while so if I bore you, tough! For those that know me you know that I’m never happy with my body and that I’m rather partial to, shall we say, punch and pie… therefore keeping the body in the shape of an adonis is always going to be an uphill struggle. But who said that male bodies need to have washboard abs? And where can I find this person to rub him up against a few washboards? (And not in a good way!).

    Don’t get me wrong, I like the look of a nice toned healthy body just as much as the next guy, but when does that creep into then comparing yourself to the men you see? We all do it, we see a slimmer, smoother, taller, bulkier guy and suddenly you instantly find yourself admiring what they have and wishing you had it yourself. When actually, you already have most of what just walked past.

    I had a friend, a real friend not “a friend”, who I went to Gran Canaria with for pride. He was tall, slim, dark-haired and reasonably confident. While walking down that main drag before the pride parade started you could clearly see people checking him out and eyeing him up. But could he see it? Definitely not – instead he spent most of his time diverting attention away and complaining about how his body wasn’t as ‘picture perfect’ as some of the other bodies there. Dude, you’re getting attention from some pretty hot guys… buck up your ideas and live in the moment. Shudda, wudda, cudda doesn’t get you where you want to be or enjoying the life that is clearly knocking on your doorstep. Please note I only ever say dude when someone really has a “derrr” moment and needs to be told, one dude to another… promise!

    But we’ve all done it. Dressed differently to hide something we don’t like about our bodies, or gone on a crash diet to get just that little bit slimmer for the summer or our pride holiday.

    Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

    If I were to change my lifestyle to get and maintain a ‘buff’ body would that mean that I would be happy with my self-image and finally be comfortable in my own skin? I don’t think so… Well, not from what I’ve seen. I can say (proudly?) that I have some fit and healthy friends, a couple of whom took the pilgrimage to change their bodies from one shape to another. Now they are in a better shape than before I thought it would stop or become settled into a ‘maintenance’ routine, but apparently not.

    They are now looking at going on to the next level and bulk out further. Dieting and protein shakes seem to have become the new thing and the same old negative self-image is still there. I remember one time for whatever reason they were unable to get to the gym for a day or 2 and all you got from them was a constant worry that they were starting to lose definition and therefore confidence.

    You could see the confidence literally disappear from his eyes as the evening went on and he talked himself more and more into a belief that no one would speak to him because his six-pack had receded less than a centimetre. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him, but at the same time also see some of myself in that. One thing out of place or body being bloated and you do fix on it and think that it’s something to be ashamed of.

    Lately, I will admit that being in a long term relationship meant that I did get quite close to being ‘happy’ in my own body – not completely however, but just enough to not worry about what I wore or spend ages in a gym just to burn off less fat than that in a rich tea biscuit. But that also meant that I became lazy, unhealthy and I’ll even admit it, overweight. I’m not ashamed of that, but I do now look at myself and think “bloody hell boy, you’ve let yourself go”. Instantly I go straight into a self-body hating mode and get back into the old regimes. But already I’m starting to feel healthier and a little happier in myself; so surely self-improvement can be a good thing?

    Before we go down this path, mother if you’re reading this, avert your eyes or even better go and make yourself a cup of tea – go on!

    Now, you’re all thinking it – this doesn’t just apply to bodies, we also do it with cock size (and don’t say you don’t because you do, I’m yet to meet someone that hasn’t at some point in their life, even when drunk). Bigger is better apparently, again who decided this I have no idea. Personally, bigger is not better as bigger means the more you’re expected to fit up there… (Although not me, 100% top… sorry boys!).

    So why is bigger so much better? Why do we always feel like we are smaller than everyone else when in fact, actually, we are a decent size and can have ‘fun’ without the need to outsize Dumbo? A lot of people blame the porn industry, and I have to admit after just doing a basic search online, I would have to agree with that. Out of the 10 videos I found online all of them had actors that were well above the national average (and 9 of the 10 bareback I might add, but that’s a separate issue). They all looked like they could last for hours and they all gave rather loud (and kind of convincing) orgasms which could only lead the viewer to believe that big penises lead to better orgasms. It’s at this point I rely on the bottoms out there to agree with me here that that is utter rubbish.

    Personally, I take the opinion with penis size that so long as we can do something with it then who cares what the measurement is? I’m not looking to quote you for a suit, or take it on Ryanair as hand luggage so who cares what the size is? Am I alone in that thinking? And I am only saying that because I’ve not blessed in either of the extreme size categories? Is that a mindset that can ever be achieved in gay men when we are bombarded with ‘shlong’ porn and a culture of ‘bigger is better’? I think I saw a video on a ‘popular dating site’ once that even had someone shove a cone up their bum – how can anyone compete with that?

    A few years ago I was asked if I wanted to partake in porn (I think we all have at some point) but I genuinely believed at the time that I wouldn’t be ‘fit’ enough for porn. Those guys are built, smooth and hung like a whale; three things of which I was not. So naturally, I turned it down, but not because of moral grounds but because I deemed myself unworthy of porn? I look back now and think, what on earth was I thinking?

    I keep bringing this back to me, in many ways this is deliberate and I make no apology for it as body image is a very personal thing. We, the outside world, can spot trends in behaviours but we all have our unique individual reasons for why we want to change our bodies or don’t feel confident in them. For some, it can be a deeply personal and a painful motivator, for others a fad or peer pressure or even just a way of life and nothing any deeper than that. All I’ll say is that next time you look in the mirror and see something that you don’t like, ask yourself is it you that doesn’t like it or is it your opinion that others don’t like it, therefore, you don’t like it?

    If it’s the latter, just explore that thought and see where it leads… who knows you might find something out about yourself.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | Are we to quick to slut shame?

    Slut, tramp, whore, slag, trollop, floozy, tart, Ho, skank, Loose, easy. All words that we use to describe someone of who is perceived as sexually promiscuous.

    Except we are not describing we are judging. We are perceiving someone that has sex and labelling them.
    Of course most times these descriptions were traditionally assigned to women. This is because a long time ago some men created a double standard. Men were allowed to enjoy sex, indeed virility was celebrated and seen as a positive thing.

    Last year it was okay to be Robin Thicke but not Miley Cyrus It’s based on hypocrisy. Sadly this practice has carried through to present day with some cultures even still practising female circumcision. As we are still living in a heteronormative society, we all grew up here and learnt these rules early on, so of course we carried over the practice into the gay world. We are still men after all.

    We need to stop the practice of slut-shaming.

    Why does the number of sexual partners someone has make any difference? If we are all still men then why does the double standard still exist? I speak from a position of being single for a long time and people having that perception of me to being in a relationship in present day? Have I changed as a person? No my circumstances have. But because I have a partner, I am suddenly viewed as acceptable.

    Do we slut shame because we perceive people as a threat? I mentioned the heteronormative world before, the acceptable thing for us to do is to grow up, find someone you love, settle down and have kids.

    Obviously biologically we have to skip the last step naturally, does the fear come from someone that has chosen to live outside the mainstream? Is it the same prejudice that used to apply to us being gay 50 years ago? Is the threat of the single sexually confident man about the fact they may tempt and seduce our partners away? We have to act pre-emptivly and attack them and let them know their place.

    We are deciding that they have loose morals and dismissing them. We have reduced them as to their sex life. We don’t care about them as a person. We disregard their hopes, dreams, career and more importantly we take away their voice. We assume that they simply live their lives that way because they are only interested in hedonism. For some people that may be true however for others it may be that they are doing it because they confuse sex with love. If a man will sleep with them they must desire them and love them on some level. This was certainly not my experience; sex is a basic human need and right. In this day and age nobody should care about your sex life as long as you respect your own body and health.

    The gay world we are subject to hyper-sexualised imagery. Bars are promoted by attractive men in their underwear and little else; the magazines we buy are filled with adverts for chat lines, saunas, escorts and porn. For most of our early lives we repressed our sexual desires only to come out and be told you can look but don’t touch. Slut shaming is not healthy, useful or productive for anyone. It feeds the fears of the people doing it and degrades the victim. As a minority that faces prejudice already we should know better.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | It’s time to have gay sex ed at school

    At my school, we hardly received a decent sexual education. The meagre things we were taught – were all about reproduction. You know the story; when a man and a woman love each-other very much etc. At one point they had a group of people come in to teach us all about the many many joys of celibacy (I know, I know)

    This was at a catholic school however, and I can’t say the same of all schools, some of you might have been wonderfully informed about the delicious details of sex.

    Even so, I found that when indeed we did speak about sex in school, it was all about sex between a man and a woman (Quite often married).

    There was nothing that I could remember about intercourse that takes place between two men, or even two women for that matter.

    Believe it or not, when the celibacy buffs asked my classmates why people had sex, the only answer they got was: “To make babies”.

    I mean, really!?

    While this did provide us with the most basic knowledge of the mechanics of sex, there was little else for us to go on. It was almost as if the teachers were just sticking their fingers in their ears and singing.

    There was little explained about STIs, condoms, rape or unplanned pregnancies (Though being gay, I can’t say I cared about the fourth).

    This leads me onto another point; young gay people are not just realising that they’re gay at the age of 22.

    People are coming out young and they’re so ill informed about sex, it’s staggering. Luckily, I had older friends, and was rather well informed by them, and so I knew about using condoms, avoiding STIs and where to go if indeed I did think I’d contracted something from someone, however, this is sadly not always the case.

    For reasons unexplained, there was next to nothing told to us on the reasons for sex, such as love, lust, revenge on an ex or just plain old self esteem issues. It seems that young people were just having sex purely because their friends claimed they were all doing it. There was very little said on how we value ourselves and whether we were only having sex because we wanted to prove that we were likeable, which I think is quite upsetting.

    In a society that allows young people to be exposed to sexual images in the time it takes to click a mouse, and where persons on television and magazines are almost exclusively all bronze, buff gods and goddesses, is it truly wise to not teach young people to value themselves as an individual as well as in relationships?

    Thankfully, I had the nouse to look for this information myself, and grew to love and accept myself as an individual and have sex for the right reasons. Sadly though, many young gay men and women are not so well informed, and they can often go on to contract diseases, get raped, and in extreme cases die because of needless ignorance.

    Sexually transmitted diseases are not about to just go away, and nor will gay people. It is about time some changes were made to arm young gay people against the dangers of unsafe sex, and some care given to them so that they learn to love themselves before they consider engaging in intercourse. While the good people in the labs are working night and day to better be able to deal with disease, I think it’s high time the classroom started talking about gay sex.

     

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  • OPINION | James Wharton’s View; Shut Gay Saunas

    So, James Wharton, an openly gay soldier, would like all gay saunas shut down so that we no longer “feed the haters”?

    Hmmmm……I wonder if he’s right? My gut tells me that shutting private premises where what happens happens behind closed doors isn’t going to stop bigots from abusing other humans, verbally or physically. If someone fundamentally doesn’t like who or what you are, will closing down a business premises actually make them think “hang about, I got you gays all wrong, come here and lets cuddle”? Cant see it myself

    James claims to be “no prude” yet says that having multiple partners, in a consensual setting disgust him. The thought that saunas exists for gay men to meet and participate in whatever they want rather revolts him. Is that because he isn’t invited? Sorry, that was a flippant comment – but why does he feel he needs to comment?

    Now, lets look at the flip side: we have massage parlours where straight men attend, usually for more than a massage – we all need happy ending at times! We have straight saunas that offer the same facilities as gay saunas and I don’t see anyone asking for them to shut down so that the LGBT community wont hate them, but wait, we don’t tend to abuse people for their sexuality and tend to be slightly more relaxed in our attitude towards sex and sexuality.

    I find the thought that someone feels they can judge in this manner, and for it to be one of our “own” community, revolting and abhorrent. If someone feels the need to go to a sauna, who am I to condemn them? It doesn’t affect me in the slightest, it doesn’t impact me or mine so why would I call for them to close?

    Surely they serve a purpose, or they wouldn’t exist? For a start, they provide employment, they also provide an outlet for some in our community who feel the need to go here rather than on the scene to meet partners. Again, who are we to judge where people go to meet others? They aren’t illegal!

    James comments that surely the reason for their existence are long gone. But have they? We still have closeted people, either not ready or unwilling to come out, so somewhere they feel able to do whatever they want anonymously can’t be bad – can it? Does James live in a rose-tinted world where there are no closets and everyone can be what or who they want?

    My issue is once again, the slow eating away at, for want of a better term, our freedom, our liberties, our rights to make our own choices and pick up shags where we want!

    Even health and gay rights campaigners comment that closing them down would have no effect on homophobia. Surely, taking it one step further, if they closed saunas, more clandestine opportunities may be sought out, leading to more attacks and risks taken? Is that a good thing?

    I do understand that they can be dangerous and risky places too – the recent death in a Manchester sauna highlighted the issues around drugs and sex. However, the issue should have been more around the drugs taken, not the venue it was done in? Yet, the sauna owners and staff were heavily criticised for the event.

    As we watch in amazement at the draconian measures being implemented around the world, we should protect what we have and push for more! Hands off our saunas!

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | Porn, does it eventually bite you in bum?

    In the news this week is the story of young ballet dancer, Jeppe Hansen. Hansen was on a scholarship with the Royal Winnipeg Ballet School, when he was told there was no longer a place for him, it having been discovered that he had appeared in gay porn movies, under the name Jett Black.

    Quite how the Royal Winnipeg Ballet officials discovered this has not been revealed, but the company has stated it has policies and procedures in place, that state that any dancer who wishes to partake in ‘side projects’ must gain approval from the school director. I do wonder, though, if the school would have been quite so intransigent if it had been discovered that Hansen was working as a waiter or even dancing in a fringe production of a musical somewhere.

    There can be little doubt that it is the nature of Hansen’s ‘side project’ itself that is the problem, not the fact that Hansen, like many students, was doing something extra-curricular to fund his education. The problem appears to be sex, not only sex, but public sex, though we should remember that Hansen was doing nothing illegal. He was just appearing in a movie and getting paid for it. One has to ask if they would have had the same problem, if he’d got a role in a war movie which required him to kill and maim people. No doubt he’d have been given a warning and allowed to continue his studies.

    On the other hand it is a little disingenuous of Hansen to refer to the porn he did as art, a statement that only serves to cloud the issue. Though he may have a point, I’d hardly call any of the porn I did art, and, anyway, the whole question of what constitutes pornography, and what erotic art, is probably food for a whole other article. Hansen banging on about his artistic freedom being breached hardly helps, I feel. The issue seems to me much simpler.

    I certainly doubt the Royal Winnipeg Ballet School’s officials wrestled for one moment with definitions of art and pornography. They were just “shocked” and “appalled” that one of their students was having sex on film. But this is where I have a problem with the officials. My reaction to the news was, predictably no doubt, so f**king what?? I would imagine he made a lot more money for a few hours’ being filmed having sex than he would have done working as a waiter, and probably had a lot more fun doing it too. Seems to me he was just being inventive. He was given an opportunity and took it.

    Am I so completely out of touch with how normal people would react? Not as much as you might think, judging from most of the comments left by readers of the news article in gaystarnews, who all seemed to think the Ballet School over reacted.

    As far as I can see, the problems society, and the mainstream media, have with porn are the same ones they have with sex; problems derived from outmoded religious views and the deep seated shame those views create.

    Some of you may remember that, a few years ago, The News of the World revealed that Max Mosley enjoyed indulging in a bit of SM sex. Mosley, quite properly considering that what he got up to in his private life was nobody’s business but his own took out a privacy case against the News of the World, which he won, though, by this time, his reputation was in tatters anyway. The law agreed that The News of the World had breached his privacy by revealing his sexual peccadilloes, but it hardly changed people’s attitudes to what he was getting up to. Again, when the story first broke, my attitude was, so what? Why is this even a news story? Is it just that most people’s sex lives are so boring, they can only get vicarious pleasure out of reading about other people’s, and then, of course, condemning them?

    On the subject of porn, internet figures suggest that most of us are looking at it, but very few would admit to it. We know that most of the people who have at some time looked at internet porn are men, (8 out of 10, compared to only a third of women), but it’s fair to assume that most of them don’t tell their wives or girlfriends. So, although watching porn is common, it’s still not considered acceptable behaviour, whereas watching movies in which people get blown to bits is. Taking the above figure as the norm, that would suggest that, out of the current 503 male MPs in the House of Commons, we can assume that at least 400 of them have, at one time or another, watched internet porn. These same MPs will publicly voice their concerns about the easy availability of internet porn and talk about ways of stopping it. Ah, how we love dual standards.

    Returning to the original question as to whether doing porn can come back and bite you in the bum, then, I am sad to say, that in our present society, the answer is probably yes. In our gay world, doing porn might be becoming more and more acceptable, and indeed more and more gay men are enjoying sex on camera, many being happy to do it just for the thrill, rather than the money, but they really should be careful about who gets to watch it. I suspect many of them would lose their day jobs if their bosses ever found out. Yes, it seems totally wrong to me and I can’t help asking why doing porn can possibly be seen to be a problem for a budding ballet dancer. Are people really not going to go and watch him dance if they know he’s had sex on camera? I suspect the reverse would be true. Oh well, clearly society hasn’t caught up with me yet. So a bit of advice. Unless, like me, you can largely opt out of society, admit to all you have done and refuse to be ashamed, it’s probably best that, for now, you give up the idea of doing that porn movie. Either that or wear a mask.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | Pornography in the classroom

    If you are looking for a pleasant evening of entertainment, you appreciate a traditional, old fashioned musical and if you enjoy the slightly twee nature of the MGM classic musicals, then you will enjoy this very well rounded production.

    Predictably this has caused the usual moral outcry from Christian groups and claims that this is sexualising children. On a recent televised debate, I expressed the views that the discussion with teenagers was appropriate and that we cannot deny the existence of the porn industry and its place in modern society.

    Nobody is suggesting that that porn is shown as part of the sex education lessons but knowledge is indeed power and to allow the discussion in the safe classroom environment is healthy. By talking in an open and honest way we are taking the demonization of porn away and allowing teenagers to see it for what it is, an expression of human sexuality. We are equipping them with the skills to make an informed choice. Lessons on drugs and alcohol are common place; these inform and advise about the dangers of addiction. Of course, this in an important aspect of the discussion and education of pornography. For example a young gay man may only have the opportunity to express themselves through pornography and they may be in particular risk of becoming addicted.

    Beyond that it enables us to open into the discussion about body types and imagery. Indeed in gay porn the types typically represented are classically either slim feminine looking “twinks” or smooth muscular jocks. For the young gay man coming to terms with his sexuality and masculinity, it can be confusing and intimidating to feel that they need to confirm to these sexual types. The message being sent is that only these types have active satisfying sex lives and considered desirable. Not everyone is toned, hairless, beautiful and waxed, that is an image that is represented because it the most commercially viable.

    The other discussion that is prevalent within the porn industry is unsafe sex practices and the rise of bareback porn. Nobody in the porn industry is completely reckless and studios that film in this manner insist that performers are regularly tested and validated before filming scenes. However, this is not represented to the average teenager viewing porn across the internet in the seclusion of their bedroom.

    What bareback porn does is normalise reckless sexual behaviour. The latest figures from Public health England indicates a rise of 5% in STD infections in the past year with chlamydia and gonorrhoea being the highest cause reported cases. The discussion of safe sex is already happening but clearly, the message is being lost.

    Pornography can allow young men and woman to explore their fantasies in a safe manner. It may be the case that they are not entirely comfortable with the concept of same-sex attraction or bisexuality. Through viewing porn or reading erotica, it allows the teenager to define and experiment with their own sexual identity. Pornography allows them the space to express this desire without feeling intimidated and free from judgment.

    Returning to the central argument, I have provided reasons as to why it is important for us to engage with teenagers about pornography as part of sex education. As I said before knowledge is power and it is important that we pass that power onto the most vulnerable members of society. If we choose to ignore the porn industry, then we run risk of being naive at best and ignorant at worst, and ignorance is never a lesson we should be teaching.

     

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  • OP ED | Gay PDAs

    During a recent online discussion about holding hands in public, I was criticised for expressing the point of view that even though I was comfortable doing this but I don’t always feel like it. The argument levelled to me is that I had missed the point.

    Around 70 countries still hold penalties for same-sex activity and 7 carry the death penalty. On the contrast the UK is one of the more tolerant and supportive countries. To address this, I appreciate that we are lucky to live in a country where we even have the choice.

    I have been called “queer “ and “faggot” for carrying out the outrageous act of holding my boyfriend’s hand in a city centre, but the truth is I do not care. They are the words that they choose to define me with, which is their perception of me, it is not me. Their poison does not drip into my life. They do not dictate my relationship and how I choose to live my life. Sadly the bitchy comments and stares are not only from the straight community, I’m 11 years older than my partner and overweight. My boyfriend is 22 and leads an active lifestyle. I joke with friends that I’m punching above my weight but we’re happy and the relationship works for us. However, within the gay community we can attract as much negative attention because we don’t seem it fit within the gay cookie cutter.

    Part of the criticism is that because I live in a country where I am able to hold my partner’s hand, I should. However this is not me either, sometimes I’m up some days I’m down. Sometimes I will be the more affectionate in the relationship and initiate contact, others times I value my space. I’m a walking messy contradiction of a person, I’m human after all. And so is my partner. I’m secure in the relationship so I don’t need to be tethered to him 24/7. When we are out and I see other guys checking him out I can smile inwardly and outwardly, because I know we belong to each other.

    I have no need to be insecure. I don’t need to walk everywhere hand in hand together to feel that I am with someone, because mentally and emotionally I am.

    Have I missed the point? I don’t think I have, I have the choice to hold my partner’s hand, to hug him and kiss him in public. I have the same rights and freedoms as any straight person in public. Sometimes I will choose not to because I am a person not a living breathing political agenda.

    The fact that this is even a conversation in 2013 says that we still have a long way to go but that will be decided by governments and politicians, not me. My individuality and sexuality are 2 different parts of me, they are for me to decide, no one else.

     

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