THEGAYUK

Tag: One Star Musical Review

A list of the worst-rated, one star musicals by our expert team of critics.

  • THEATRE REVIEW | The Band

    ★☆☆☆☆ | The Band


    The new show The Band is not, as you might think, a musical about Take That – but it damn well should’ve been.

    What we get is a show about four forty-something women who reunite after not having seen other for a long time to see their favourite boy band (now of course no longer a boy band) at a reunion tour concert in Prague. Why Prague you might ask? Because one of the women won a competition to see the band perform there. Why couldn’t one of them have bought tickets to a more local show if they loved the band so much? Well, that would’ve been too easy and would’ve left out one of the major plot points of this show – a broken penis.

    Yes, a broken penis. You see, while the women are in Prague, they get a bit carried away and break the penis off of a priceless statue. Now, if this would happen in real life the women would’ve gotten heavily fined, and perhaps jail time. But when said penis, which is attached to a statue that actually does come to life (before the said penis is broken off), with the penis visible for all the audience to see, it makes for one of the most unintentional laughable moments in the West End. It’s not just laughable – it’s shockable! Who signed off on this scene? And this is just the tip of the iceberg. Take That’s big hit ‘Relight My Fire’ is sung while the characters (while still schoolgirls) are on a bus heading home from a concert, with the carefully hand-picked cast of the boy singers dressed up in bondage gear (with horse helmets). And then all of a sudden out of nowhere one of the girls is killed. Hmmm?

    Another head scratcher is when the song ‘Never Forget’ is sung by the fab five in an airport lounge. There is also a bit of fat shaming in the show (one of the women is obese). Did I mention that the boys can’t really hold a tune and sing in harmony? Or in tune? Not once is the band introduced as characters, meanwhile, they glossfully sing in the background to scenes that have no real connection to the songs.

    This is a jukebox musical that is as empty as a machine with no quarters in it. Sure the songs are great (who doesn’t love a Take That song or two), and one of the women happens to be lesbian, and AJ Bentley has the strongest vocals of all, but what do you expect from a musical show where the singers (boyband) were chosen from a reality television show?

    Whoever signed off on this mess should be really ashamed of themselves. Robbie, Howard, Gary and Mark – you listening?

    The Band plays at the Theatre Royal Haymarket, London. Book tickets now

  • THEATRE REVIEW | WAG! The Musical, Charing Cross Theatre

    I have struggled over writing this review for a full week, primarily because I just couldn’t find the words to describe the excitement, hilarity and fabulousness that went into… oh, no, wait, that was another show. This was just awful.

    Awful.

    Anyone who knows me will know that I champion London theatre as much as possible. I think we are in really exciting times with new challenges and technology bringing a whole new mindset to the stage. However, WAG! is a blemish -a very, very dull blemish – on the London stage, and one I would be happy to see the back of.

    The plot revolves around two female shop assistants, each in an ill-advised relationship (one with a married man; the other with an abuser). All day, they serve the bevy of glamorous WAGs that come through the department store and dream of becoming one of them.

    THE POSITIVES (both of them): Katie Kerr as the fabulous Blow-Jo was a delight every moment she was on the stage. Out of the show’s characters, she was the only one I warmed to even slightly. Alyssa Kyria appeared as her regular character, Ariadne the Greek Wag, who is fairly well-known on the comedy / cabaret circuit. Kyria wrote her scenes herself, and they very much stood out from the tedium.

    Acting-wise, Tim Flavin played Mr Frank well. However, the character was a tired old cliché and not one I enjoyed watching. In fact, I enjoyed watching Lizzie Cundy more, mainly to see if I could spot her apparently-Botoxed face move. On the plus, she is at least the genuine article – a real-life WAG, and definitely looked the part.

    A succession of other, equally forgettable characters “graced” the stage. Another WAG, another bad actress, a camp designer, each as dreary as the last.

    I simply cannot spend another minute thinking about this complete travesty of a show, so I will leave you with the words of Andrzej Lukowski of Time Out, who says: “Wag! sort of blunders on in a dull, well-meaning muddle, two-and-a-half drab, weakly-sung, low-budget hours.”
    Well said, Andrzej. Well said.

    WAG! The Musical is listed at the Charing Cross Theatre until 24 August, although I can’t see it completing the full run. I heard on the grapevine they’re hoping to tour it in 2014 too. Tickets cost… oh, I don’t know. Save your time, money and sanity by not buying one.