I have struggled over writing this review for a full week, primarily because I just couldn’t find the words to describe the excitement, hilarity and fabulousness that went into… oh, no, wait, that was another show. This was just awful.

Awful.

Anyone who knows me will know that I champion London theatre as much as possible. I think we are in really exciting times with new challenges and technology bringing a whole new mindset to the stage. However, WAG! is a blemish -a very, very dull blemish – on the London stage, and one I would be happy to see the back of.

The plot revolves around two female shop assistants, each in an ill-advised relationship (one with a married man; the other with an abuser). All day, they serve the bevy of glamorous WAGs that come through the department store and dream of becoming one of them.

THE POSITIVES (both of them): Katie Kerr as the fabulous Blow-Jo was a delight every moment she was on the stage. Out of the show’s characters, she was the only one I warmed to even slightly. Alyssa Kyria appeared as her regular character, Ariadne the Greek Wag, who is fairly well-known on the comedy / cabaret circuit. Kyria wrote her scenes herself, and they very much stood out from the tedium.

Acting-wise, Tim Flavin played Mr Frank well. However, the character was a tired old cliché and not one I enjoyed watching. In fact, I enjoyed watching Lizzie Cundy more, mainly to see if I could spot her apparently-Botoxed face move. On the plus, she is at least the genuine article – a real-life WAG, and definitely looked the part.

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A succession of other, equally forgettable characters “graced” the stage. Another WAG, another bad actress, a camp designer, each as dreary as the last.

I simply cannot spend another minute thinking about this complete travesty of a show, so I will leave you with the words of Andrzej Lukowski of Time Out, who says: “Wag! sort of blunders on in a dull, well-meaning muddle, two-and-a-half drab, weakly-sung, low-budget hours.”
Well said, Andrzej. Well said.

WAG! The Musical is listed at the Charing Cross Theatre until 24 August, although I can’t see it completing the full run. I heard on the grapevine they’re hoping to tour it in 2014 too. Tickets cost… oh, I don’t know. Save your time, money and sanity by not buying one.