THEGAYUK

Author: GuyGinaMonos

  • Dating As A Gay Muslim: No fats? No Femmes? No Asians?

    Dating As A Gay Muslim: No fats? No Femmes? No Asians?

    Being a gay Muslim of South-Asian descent I often find some sort of prejudice within the gay community when it comes to dating and hooking up.

    rawpixel / Pixabay

    I noticed it especially when I started using the apps. The apps are great, you can be as specific as you want and really filter down to find what you are looking for. There are also a number of different apps to cater for specific gay communities and labels. They are also a great way of realising how picky you can be when it comes to what you want. A lot of people are open-minded and others are very upfront with their requirements.

    After getting past my initial bombardment of unsolicited photos, I started looking through profiles until I found someone I was interested in. He looked great and the start of his profile was funny. But that’s when I saw it. He specifically stated he didn’t want Asians, wanted the guy to be smooth and wanted him to be slim. All of the things I am not in other words. I was hurt in some way from reading this, but quickly shrugged it off and said to myself that the views of one person shouldn’t make me feel bad. I moved on to the next guy, whose profile was blank, and messaged him. He replied that he wasn’t looking for Asians as well. I took this in one of two ways. He was genuinely not looking for Asians, or using it as an excuse to end the conversation early. Again I shrugged it off, I can’t change my ethnicity so why bother myself with people who are being prejudiced against me. I did find a lot of people who were interested and we had some conversation that either led to something or didn’t. Such is the nature of the apps I found.

    But it got me thinking, is it prejudice or racism. I mean we all have our types, myself included, but I don’t feel the need to implicitly tell people that I don’t want a specific skin colour. I am open-minded, and my main criterion is someone with kind eyes. It sounds funny, but I am drawn to eyes and how they can convey a lot about people. I understand that these guys who put their requirements are doing so to ward off any unwanted attention, and to help them find what they are looking for faster. But is that really the case? I tested this out and put my requirements based on my current mood, and I found a handful of matches. When I saw these select few it made me realise that I didn’t particularly feel drawn to any of them. I went back to my more open requirements and felt instantly better. But that is just how I am, these people who don’t want fats, femmes or Asians know what they want, and that is their choice. It would be easy for me to judge them, but then again should they not be allowed to seek what they want?

    One interaction that really threw me off was when a guy messaged me saying he doesn’t usually go for Asians, but I would be an exception. That is when I genuinely got angry at the comment he made. It implied that I am acceptable even though I am Asian, and that he deems me worthy of his attention. I rightly put him down for that comment and ended the conversation there. He blocked me, which was to be expected, but had he not I would have blocked him and his pointed views out of my life anyway. Other interactions have had people ask me where I was born, as they don’t want people who weren’t born in the UK or don’t speak English without an accent. Again, I have no time for these people. They are trying to cover up their prejudice towards immigrants by making it out that they are just having a normal conversation.

    This isn’t to say I haven’t found people from the apps, as I have had a number of dates. What it is saying is that people shouldn’t feel bad if they find prejudice within the apps. They should ask themselves if they would want to be with someone like that, and if they do then that is fine. But you never know what you might find when you venture out of your preferences. I know I have been surprised and learned more about myself when I have ventured out. So for any profile out there that states ‘no Asians,’ I’m sorry but you are missing out. We are amazing.

  • COMMENT | Can you be Muslim and gay?

    There is a certain taboo within Islam that does not ever get discussed in a positive way.

    You only need to look at recent news in Chechnya to see how gay people are mistreated and abused. Over the past few years there have been increases in attacks on gay people in predominantly Muslim countries, and often people are violently and fatally attacked for their sexuality. Islam paints a picture that it will not accept gay people, and this has been the doctrine of thought for many many years. It is, therefore, a struggle for young gay Muslims, such as myself, to come to terms with our sexuality and faith. I realise the two aspects of my life do not go hand in hand. In fact, the majority of the major religions have no accepting views on homosexuality. From a biological standpoint, I understand this. If everyone was gay then life as we know it would cease to exist. Try as hard as you may two guys cannot reproduce with one another. This lead me to read more about my religion and understand the scriptures that are written in the Quran regarding homosexuality. My hope from this research was to find a way to reconcile the two aspects of my life that were conflicting.

    The Quran relays a story about the people of Sodom and Gomorra. Those that are familiar with Christianity and Judaism will also know of this story. It tells of a place where men were having sex with other men and shunning their wives. God sent the prophet Lot, to these people to show them the error of their ways and persuade them to give up the life of sin. He commented on how lewdness between two men should be punished. The story goes on to state that these people were wiped out as they refused to give up their sinning ways.

    The hadith (which is the sayings and practices of our Prophet Muhammad) states that he cursed effeminate men (Sahih Al-Bukhari, book 72, hadith 774), and that he states that if anyone was committing sodomy (i.e anal sex) that both the giver and receiver should be stoned to death (Al-Trimidhi, book 1, hadith 152). I realise this gives the impression that Islam is a violent and torturous religion, but this is not the case. You have to remember that these teachings and scriptures are thousands of years old and this was a different time. There are also passages that state anal sex is forbidden even if done with a female partner. As a Sunni Muslim, however, I believe in the two major hadiths Sahih Al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim. Whilst they do not say you have to kill homosexuals, they are grey on the subject as to whether the punishable act is gay sex or shunning women.

    So the religion is somewhat clear on its status with gay people and homosexuality. Therefore as a Muslim, I cannot be both gay and religious? Well yes and no. Religion is something that people hold dear and people use as guides for their lives. Religion teaches us to be good people and respect others. One can argue that being a good person does not mean you have to be religious and I agree. For me personally, my religion has always been with me, and I understood that before I understood that I was gay. So you may ask how I reconciled it with myself. I went through a particularly religious period of my life. I was praying 5 times a day and not giving into lustful thoughts. However, after a while, I questioned what I was doing. One of the ‘solutions’ to being gay that most scholars say is to not think about it and act on your feelings. Pray more and beg Allah to put you on the right path. Purify your heart and your soul will be cleansed too. Things like this, which sound wishy washy but do work for some people. I tried this, and it didn’t work. I still felt gay feelings, which is natural to me as I was born this way. Heterosexual people reading that ask yourself when you chose to be straight, then ask me when I chose to be gay. If you can’t remember or feel you didn’t have to choose, then neither did I.

    Ergo we were both born the way we were. I can still recall meeting a very religious man when I was 12, who is in the bloodline of the prophet Muhammad and after looking at me for a minute stated that I was ‘different’ to my brothers. Maybe he saw that I was gay? Who knows. But I am different and I am ok with that. So prayer was not helping. I did give it up as my thought was even if I do pray and do everything right, I will still be condemned in Islam for being gay.

    My next factor was my personal happiness. A lot of gay Muslims feel pressure from their families to be married. This is especially prevalent in the Asian communities. I feel the pressure all the time. I could tell my family and be disowned (probably – I have heard of very rare cases when parents have accepted it) or get married to a woman and live a lie. This is the same decision a lot of young gay Muslim men (and women) face. I personally couldn’t do that. It would mean sacrificing my happiness and ruining another person’s life. She would deserve a relationship where she is wanted and have intimacy. Recently I was talking to a guy going through the same thing, and he is due to be married. He was saying how he wanted me to be his bit on the side, and I flat out refused. I am not going to hook up with a married person, regardless if the marriage is a sham or not. He was trying to convince me to do the same as it would hurt my parents if I came out. That is true, but it would hurt more if they found out and I lied, had a wedding and got divorced. I value my happiness, and after giving for so long I wanted to be ‘selfish’ for once and think of myself first. Naturally, I have thought about how it would affect my parents, but my understanding is that parents should always want their kids to be happy, so they may come around.

    So I stood with two choices, be religious and be alone, or be happy and maintain a level of religion I am comfortable with. I chose the second option. This means that I will eventually have a gay relationship, but I also hold the five pillars of Islam to heart. I will fast in Ramadan, I will give charity to the poor and needy, I will believe that there is only one God (Allah), I have performed Hajj (the pilgrimage) and I will pray when I want to. Notice none of these pillars, which are the foundation of the religion, state that I have to marry, and that I cannot be gay and do any of them. But I am a realist and realise the religion will not accept me for my sexuality. I just hope that they will accept me for my good nature and kind actions.

    “I am Muslim. I am gay.

    These are two aspects of a more complex me

    I will still continue to be the best Muslim I can,

    and if being gay leads me to eternal damnation then so be it.”.

    I understand that this post is very contradictory, but in my mind, I have separated the two. I am Muslim. I am gay. These are two aspects of a more complex me. I will still continue to be the best Muslim I can, and if being gay leads me to eternal damnation then so be it. I would much rather live a happy life than lying to everyone. Which to me feels like a bigger sin and it has deceit, possible adultery and soul crushing disappointment. I will continue to hope that my good deeds will be greater than my ‘sin’, but I have accepted that they may not be. It won’t stop me from being a good person however; that will never change.

    This is just my way of dealing with it. I am sure others are confused and may have other thoughts. I would be happy to hear from anyone regarding the issues. Also if I have misinterpreted or misquoted the Quran please forgive me. These were my understanding of the scripture.