THEGAYUK

Author: Scott Sammons

  • COLUMN | Why Grandma, What Big Hands You’ve Got

    Over the last couple of weeks we have been talking about everyone’s favourite after dinner topic, porn! Let’s be honest, we’ve all seen porn in one form or another and have all compared ourselves to the very buff, well-endowed actors (while sat drinking tea and being civilized of course…). But where does that constant need to compare ourselves to other people come from? And will we ever be happy with our own bodies enough to not care how buff the ‘other guy’ is?

    Now, I’m going to make this a little personal to me for a while so if I bore you, tough! For those that know me you know that I’m never happy with my body and that I’m rather partial to, shall we say, punch and pie… therefore keeping the body in the shape of an addonis is always going to be an uphill struggle. But who said that male bodies need to have wash board abs? And where can I find this person to rub him up against a few wash boards? (And not in a good way!).

    Don’t get me wrong, I like the look of a nice toned healthy body just as much as the next guy, but when does that creep into then comparing yourself to the men you see? We all do it, we see a slimmer, smoother, taller, bulkier guy and suddenly you instantly find yourself admiring what they have and wishing you had it yourself. When actually, you already have most of what just walked past.

    I had a friend, a real friend not “a friend”, who I went to Gran Canaria with for pride. He was tall, slim, dark haired and reasonably confident. While walking down that main drag before the pride parade started you could clearly see people checking him out and eyeing him up. But could he see it? Definitely not – instead he spent most of his time diverting attention away and complaining about how his body wasn’t as ‘picture perfect’ as some of the other bodies there. Dude, you’re getting attention from some pretty hot guys… buck up your ideas and live in the moment. Shudda, wudda, cudda doesn’t get you where you want to be or enjoying the life that is clearly knocking on your doorstep. Please note I only ever say dude when someone really has a “derrr” moment and needs to be told, one dude to another… promise!

    But we’ve all done it. Dressed differently to hide something we don’t like about our bodies, or gone on a crash diet to get just that little bit slimmer for the summer or our pride holiday.

    Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

    If I were to change my lifestyle to get and maintain a ‘buff’ body would that mean that I would be happy with my self-image and finally be comfortable in my own skin? I don’t think so… Well, not from what I’ve seen. I can say (proudly?) that I have some fit and healthy friends, a couple of whom took the pilgrimage to change their bodies from one shape to another. Now they are in a better shape than before I thought it would stop or become settled into a ‘maintenance’ routine, but apparently not.

    They are now looking at going on to the next level and bulk out further. Dieting and protein shakes seem to have become the new thing and the same old negative self-image is still there. I remember one time for whatever reason they were unable to get to the gym for a day or 2 and all you got from them was a constant worry that they were starting to lose definition and therefore confidence.

    You could see the confidence literally disappear from his eyes as the evening went on and he talked himself more and more into a believe that no one would speak to him because his six pack had receded less than a centimeter. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him, but at the same time also see some of myself in that. One thing out of place or body being bloated and you do fix on it and think that it’s something to be ashamed of.

    Lately, I will admit that being in a long term relationship meant that I did get quite close to being ‘happy’ in my own body – not completely however, but just enough to not worry about what I wore or spend ages in a gym just to burn off less fat than that in a rich tea biscuit. But that also meant that I became lazy, unhealthy and I’ll even admit it, overweight. I’m not ashamed of that, but I do now look at myself and think “bloody hell boy, you’ve let yourself go”. Instantly I go straight into a self-body hating mode and get back into the old regimes. But already I’m starting to feel healthier and a little happier in myself; so surely self-improvement can be good thing?

    Before we go down this path, mother if you’re reading this, avert your eyes or even better go and make yourself a cup of tea – go on!

    Now, you’re all thinking it – this doesn’t just apply to bodies, we also do it with cock size (and don’t say you don’t because you do, I’m yet to meet someone that hasn’t at some point in their life, even when drunk). Bigger is better apparently, again who decided this I have no idea. Personally, bigger is not better as bigger means the more you’re expected to fit up there… (Although not me, 100% top… sorry boys!).

    So why is bigger so much better? Why do we always feel like we are smaller than everyone else when in fact, actually, we are a decent size and can have ‘fun’ without the need to outsize Dumbo? A lot of people blame the porn industry, and I have to admit after just doing a basic search online, I would have to agree with that. Out of the 10 videos I found online all of them had actors that were well above the national average (and 9 of the 10 bareback I might add, but that’s a separate issue). They all looked like they could last for hours and they all gave rather loud (and kind of convincing) orgasms which could only lead the viewer to believe that big penises lead to better orgasms. It’s at this point I rely on the bottoms out there to agree with me here that that is utter rubbish.

    Personally, I take the opinion with penis size that so long as we can do something with it then who cares what the measurement is? I’m not looking to quote you for a suit, or take it on Ryanair as hand luggage so who cares what the size is? Am I alone in that thinking? And I am only saying that because I’ve not blessed in either of the extreme size categories? Is that a mindset that can ever be achieved in gay men when we are bombarded with ‘shlong’ porn and a culture of ‘bigger is better’? I think I saw a video on a ‘popular dating site’ once that even had someone shove a cone up their bum – how can anyone compete with that?

    A few years ago I was asked if I wanted to par-take in porn (I think we all have at some point) but I genuinely believed at the time that I wouldn’t be ‘fit’ enough for porn. Those guys are built, smooth and hung like a whale; 3 things of which I was not. So naturally, I turned it down, but not because of moral grounds but because I deemed myself unworthy of porn? I look back now and think, what on earth was I thinking?

    I keep bringing this back to me, in many ways this is deliberate and I make no apology for it as body image is a very personal thing. We, the outside world, can spot trends in behaviours but we all have our unique individual reasons for why we want to change our bodies or don’t feel confident in them. For some it can be a deeply personal and a painful motivator, for others a fad or peer pressure or even just a way of life and nothing any deeper than that. All I’ll say is that next time you look in the mirror and see something that you don’t like, ask yourself is it you that doesn’t like it or is it your opinion that others don’t like it therefore you don’t like it?

    If it’s the latter, just explore that thought and see where it leads… who knows you might find something out about yourself.

  • OPINION | Somethings Change, And Some Things Stay The Same

    In recent time we have seen through various media channels, the march for equal marriage seems to be marching globally and at an ever increasing pace.

    I don’t know about anyone else but when I look at each news announcement I feel a sense of excitement and joy that the world takes another step towards a more fair and just world.

    But at the same time, how big are our steps forward? What do they realistically mean to us on the ground that lives each day with the problems and issues that (currently) come with being LGBT? Have things changed that dramatically over the past 40 years? I’ll confess at this point that I am 26 so my accounts of what occurred in the 70s and 80s are based on history and what friends who lived through those periods have told me.

    In the last 50 or so years the LGBT community has seen many ups and downs. Starting with the Stonewall clashes in 1969 right the way through to the bombing of the Admiral Duncan in 1999 and the “Straight Alliance” marches of today. During the 70’s and 80’s homophobia was widespread and very much an ‘accepted’ legitimate view by most governments. And that isn’t just in this country, but all over the world. ‘Coming out’ was very much a life or death decision for many in the LGBT community. Most chose not to and either buried their feelings or lived a “double life”. There was very little in the way of support and counselling and even less in the way of public support and promotion.

    Having said that, during all this darkness and struggle the LGBT community was exactly that; a community. From stories that I have been told and recollections from others who lived in London and Manchester at those times, the communities there stuck together to help each other out. If there was an assault they would rally round each other or if a “gay-friendly” bar or pub was under threat of closure they would come to support and boost numbers. By all accounts, the community was so underground but at the same time so close-knit that it even gave rise to the infamous “hanky code”. (For those that don’t know if it, I highly recommend you Google it. It’s very… interesting!).

    So in the 21st century, the age of information and connection where are we? Are we any closer to that Holy Grail that is equality? Well, let’s start with the last point; the hanky code and ‘underground’ culture. On the whole, I think this has died out or is dying out. With the establishment of “gay bars” or gay-friendly bars, there is more choice and selection for venues to attend and for the community to meet in. Social media and the wonder that is Grindr has made interacting with each other far easier and in some ways more open. Although social media isn’t everyone’s cup of tea you have to give it credit for opening up the community even further.

    Social media has also meant that the confused teenager or middle aged father of 2 now has an outlet to explore or vent what feelings or inklings they may have. Where would they have gone before to find out more about their feelings? A public toilet? Their local gay bar (if they have one) where they are watched as they go in and out? Not exactly options that fill you with safety and reassurance. However social media offers an outlet where they can explore their feelings, relatively safely and in their own time and terms. Surely that is a step forward?

    How about the sense of community and togetherness? Has the LGBT community gelled together or are we growing further apart? In my experience, I think we are growing further apart. In hard times (financial or otherwise) I have seen several different cases where local bars, businesses or organisations have had to close because the local community hasn’t been there to support them. The old community are still there and still have those principles (myself included) but the new age community don’t seem to have or share those principles. (I apologise if I am doing them an injustice).

    Pride seems like an opportunity to get drunk and sleep with people you otherwise wouldn’t have been able to; well that at least was my experience of it. Pride should be about the community coming together and taking pride in who we are and what we stand for. I could bet any money that at any pride in any part of the world will be at least 2 people dressed in attire that would suit “Madame Helga’s House of Pain”. When did that become part of being gay? And when did that become making a stand for equality? Children attend these pride events… they shouldn’t be exposed to “backless chaps”. But I digress… the point is, what has pride become? I don’t think it’s about pride in who we are and our community anymore, which is a great shame.

    Nationwide and even globally the equality movement is picking up pace and the message seems to be taking hold. This is something to be grateful of and continue to support (and I do) but always be aware of what is happening on the ground. Prejudice, inequality and homophobia are still rampant in this country and we should take pride in all those that work to stamp it out and hope that that message never changes.

    For those of you with a keen film mind, the title of this entry comes from a quote from the Matrix movies. I was watching them the other day and the phrase stuck in my head as something fairly apt. No matter what the age or period, the notion that some things change and some things stay the same still holds true.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | Attacked For Being Gay or Attacked For Being There?

    In my last article I talked about the rise of online ‘trolls’ but something that has been around for much longer than trolls are perpetrators of hate crimes; either through the press or via the traditional old fashioned face to face method.

    Unfortunately it’s something that goes on far too frequently and has probably even gone on in front of you without you ever realising. But what is a hate crime? And how is a hate crime any different from any other sort of threatening or violent behaviour?

    In a previous life I used to work in a gay bar and you would get all walks of life through the door on any given night. Some nights, namely mid-week when drinking on a school night is usually a bad idea, it used to be fairly quiet and it gave you the opportunity to catch-up on any cleaning or get chatted up by the regulars. Well, they would try to chat you up… can’t blame them for trying right?

    One night however a guy came in who, on the face of it, seemed like a general body from the street that was coming down to the local gay bar to escape the wife / girlfriend / home life; someone that you wouldn’t turn away or guess that they were out to cause trouble or had issues. As the night went on he became more and more frustrated and pushy with staff and customers so was eventually asked to leave. Upon leaving (after much protest and farting about) he proceeded to through all 16 odd stone of himself against the bar door in an attempt to break it down all the while shouting profanities. When that didn’t work, he moved onto the bin outside and tried to throw that against the bar windows.

    Somehow he missed the windows (I’m still not sure how) and as if by magic (or really bad luck) managed to hit and dent the front bonnet of my car.

    Now, anyone that takes any pride – at all – in their car would know the pain and distress that I went through in that moment. What had my car done to him? And how did he know it belonged to me? Or was it a case of “wrong place, wrong time”?

    The police were called, he was duly arrested and statements were taken and on the whole the support the police provided was fairly helpful and engaging. However, when it came to processing the attack under a relevant law it was classed as ‘criminal damage’ and not as a hate crime. This baffled me somewhat as it transpires he wasn’t escaping the family home for evening but instead had just been ‘released’ from the local homeless shelter and was, by all accounts, looking for a target for his next attention fix. The argument at the time was that they didn’t have enough evidence to prosecute under hate crime legislation however there was more than enough for criminal damage and were more likely to get a positive result at the Magistrates Court.

    In that regard they were correct, it went to court and he was forced into a programme, several hours community service and forced to pay mine and the bars repair bill and a small amount of compensation. While I don’t question the outcome (as he was made to pay) for me it raises questions of, well has the reporting of hate crime become a side thought because it just doesn’t lead to “justice”? In this instance, we were more likely to get “justice” by pursuing another criminal offence? What do you need to do therefore to prove that a crime is a hate crime?

    Another example was of a local magazine (although the more accurate term is “local rag”) that usually printed ‘laddish’ type articles designed to make the lads laugh and girls look at the wedding and pampering adverts that were often in there. Usually it printed run of the mill every day jokes or funny stories, nothing that would cause mass offence. Except in one addition, the editor decided to print an article on “10 signs that you aren’t manly”, or something along those lines. One of which stated that if you looked after yourself, or went down the gym or took care of your appearance in any way you were clearly not worthy of the title ‘real man’, and was indeed a ‘homo’.

    A few local LGBT groups, including myself as a private citizen and some friends, all wrote to said editor and asked, politely, that he issue a retraction and reconsider his general approach to the tone of his magazine. These emails and letters went ignored for a week or two until instead he chose to publish each and every one of them and add his own personal commentary about how we all lead sad lives and ‘trust the homos to get their knickers in a twist’.

    Naturally we weren’t happy, even more so as he had just printed out letters with no prior notification or consent (Data Protection breach anyone?). We complained to the local police and were quoted some clause of the Hate Crimes law that said what he had done didn’t qualify as a hate crime. If I recall, they were trying to say that because he hadn’t targeted a person it didn’t qualify? But he was targeting a group of people? Surely that’s what a hate crime is? (Apparently not).

    We also wrote to the Press Complaints Commission who said that because he wasn’t registered into their “opt in” regulation that they couldn’t help or intervene. All we could do was encourage people not to buy the magazine and seek support from some of the shops that had the stands in the windows and doorways. We couldn’t stop him from circulating his nonsense but at least we stopped it being handed out in key places in town.

    Apart from the incident at the bar I have never suffered a “major” hate crime against me. For this I am very appreciative, but I ask myself the question – what about all the times someone has called me “FAGGOT” or hurled abuse because I’m walking to the cinema holding my boyfriend’s hand? Technically would these be classed as hate crimes? They never cause offence to me personally because I don’t value or respect their opinion. Therefore it just washes right off my back. But when you see some of the nastiness in this country (or indeed the world), not only to the LGBT community but also ethnic minorities and social classes, you think why would you do such a thing? Where does that “hate” come from? What has caused you to hate in such a way?

    Last time I checked the LGBT community wasn’t an historic empire that had occupied your lands, or been slave owners or even caused any wars. So what makes a “hate criminal” do the things he does? Should we feel sorry for them as they clearly have some deep rooted issue that uses any distinction as a scape goat to vent at?

    I’ve always been curious about why people do the things they do. Why someone is shy, or why someone is confident. Sometimes its genetics, but sometimes it’s what their life has made them. And in these instances what sort of a life could create such a willingness to hate in such a way?

    By the way, is it a crime to flirt with a police officer when he’s taking your statement? I didn’t mean to, he was just very nice and comforting in my time of need. I don’t think he noticed… well he didn’t arrest me or even ask me out for a drink. Which is a point, must work on my flirting strategy…

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COLUMN | Sorry, Did You Really Mean To Say That?

    I was talking with a friend the other day, and something smacked me in the face that, in some ways, caught me off guard. (And no, it wasn’t anything rude – mores the pity).

    She said that comments were being made about her through social media by an ex who was, by all account, saying things that were untrue and generally being a nasty piece of work (that was me being polite). However, it got me thinking about why someone, anyone, would say such things when they hadn’t be hurt or attacked, and I doubt very much that they would repeat the comments in the “real world”.

    Every day, both via that lovely medium of social media, and in the real world we say things that, quite often, we don’t actually mean or truly understand what they mean.

    In the online world (or t’intenet as I call it) for example, “trolls” stalk the social media lands, looking for innocent (or not so) recipients to throw flippant comments at. Why would anyone do that? In the real world you don’t do that. (Or maybe that’s a sport I didn’t do when I skipped sports at school?). Anyone deliberately looking for someone to hurl abuse at would, (I hope) quickly find themselves in trouble with either the police or decent human beings. But online, that doesn’t seem to happen. People of all walks of life seem to produce comments and statements that they often don’t truly understand or even acknowledge the impact of.

    Remember when Justin Bieber was being a little princess (I would say that to his face) and all of a sudden death threats were being posted online and all sorts of really nasty comments. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not his biggest fan, but really? Death threats? He’s a pop star not a mass murderer or war criminal… and besides, if he dies that hot body dies with him (my mind wonders far too much).

    Is “trolling”, as its known, something new? Or is this just another way for people to make themselves seem big, make big statements then walk away from their responsibilities as if it means nothing. In the real world we see this sort of thing it all the time. Parents abandoning kids; drivers leaving the scene of a car accident; teenagers not admitting to smoking to their parents when they stink of it; dating someone and dropping them via text, the list goes on and on.

    If you’re a teenager and rebelling against your mum for smoking then stand up and be counted. Yeah I smoked, yeah it was horrible, no I won’t be doing it again. I did it with my parents, got shouted at but got respected for taking ownership of my “behaviour” and choices. Just as today, If I do something wrong I’ll say that I have. Just as if I make a decision, I won’t hide from it; I’ll stand up and be counted for it. But then, I’m always being told that I’m a little bit weird
    In the gay community especially trolls will sit online in the chat rooms and spout their poison for any and all reasons that happen to come up that day. I remember being on one particular chat room and watching a “troll fight” unravel on my screen between 2 ‘users’ that by all accounts should have better things to do with their time. To this day I have no idea what started the ‘fight’ and I don’t think even they know. Again, would they do it in real life? Maybe they would, I’ve seen a fair few ‘cat fights’ start in exactly that way.

    But what would happen if we all really did understand and truly mean what we say and do? What would the world be like if every word or action produced by us was meant to be and understood by us? Would the world be a better place? Would trolling still go on online? Or would any form of online trolling simply be seen as the effect of being annoying or controversial? Defending as opposed to attacking.

    Or would the world just be filled with walking dictionaries where everything is “acceptable in accordance with an agreed parameter” and everyone simply didn’t say anything to each other as it’s much simpler to just keep shtum. Or would it be the nicer place that we all aspire for? Would arguments about gay rights actually have counter arguments that state the truth and not some deep repressed fear or misunderstanding? Would dating on the scene actually go back to the good old days of dating when a date was exactly that, and not a “let’s be Bfs right away” which it seems to be at the moment.

    Who knows, I suspect that if we want the ability to say what we want, when we want it and to whomever we want we have to take the bad with the good. And again, if we want to be “free” people then we have to allow the people to say what they feel, not what they mean.