I’m like Australia, if you don’t have the skills you’re not coming in.
You may remember that a little while ago I wrote an article on speed dating, and then another on gay dating apps. Now, with these powerful tools and a sense of decency about me (apparently) you’d think by now I’d be snapped up and happily taking soppy photos for Instagram. Well surprise, I’m not! That’s not through a lack of trying mind you but I am quickly coming to a conclusion that to know your own mind is to have a lonely mind.
Dating really is a mine field if you have your wits about you and know what you are looking for (within reason). I see countless examples where people who aren’t that fussy who they land with so long as they land with someone that go on these awkward (and from the outside appear to be utterly dull) dates and claim to have a whale of a time. Now while I don’t want to steal from their enjoyment, awkward dates usually mean chemistry and rapport issues. The two things that, if gotten right, usually lead to bigger and brighter things.
So a date I went on once, the lead up to it was perfectly normal, seemed nice and chatty, we appeared to have a lot in common and eventually decided to go for a few drinks in Shoreditch – somewhere a bit different! Well, the person who turned up was not the person I had been speaking to. Now I accept that people get nervous, so being the outward person I am, I try to put them at ease with what I know they’ve said they enjoy. And I give it a little time, as time often relieves nerves. But this guy was just not out going by any stretch of the imagination, confidence levels through the floor and appeared to have abandoned any common interests we had. After the first bar I thought it would naturally be a good point to end but he wanted to continue. So, as I’m a game bird I ran with it. But the night just got worse not better.
After about three hours of an utter car crash of a date we parted ways and while I was sat on the train home wondering about what stiff drink I could have when I got in, he text me saying what a wonderful time he’d had and that we should do it again? I thought it was a wrong number at first as he clearly wasn’t at the same date I was at. I politely outlined that there was no connection there and thanked him for his time but seriously? I know I can be away on other planets some days but this was just something else.
That click that you have with someone, to me is of major importance. So if you don’t even click when talking online then why on earth would I travel half way across London just to put a face to a tinder profile? It’s just not going to happen. But when you try and outline that, suddenly you’re the bad guy for ‘leading them on’. When did conversation to try and establish rapport become ‘leading someone on’?
Sometimes too much rapport can even be a deal breaker. Another date I went on involved a guy that was far too eager. Was terribly interested in everything I did and was about, probed far deeper than the level of small talk into my life and history. But when I wanted to know about his, the answers were often vague or very high level. For me, personally, while it’s nice that someone takes a keen interest in you (doesn’t happen often these days) if they have no substance behind it for themselves then what or who are you dating? Just an empty shell that wants to fill their own lives with yours. Am I that far out there by wanting someone who has their own world and we have a mutual wish to enter each other’s worlds?
On the flip side of that I appreciate that people can be too picky after a while. Small things like how you think they’ll get on with friends, or if they can be presented to work colleagues become deal breakers and let’s be honest they aren’t really deal breakers in the grand scheme of things. But after a few car crashes you do start to look at these things and seriously wonder when talking to them online “can I take you to the work winter social…. Hmmmmm maybe not…. NEXT!”.
I may or may not be guilty of doing that.
Friends certainly accuse you of it. The amount of times I get told that I’m being too picky and that I’m still single because of it drives me up the wall. A string of bad dates does not equal picky. Getting rid of dates for small reasons (a hair out of place for example) is being picky. As someone who is so very far away from perfect I don’t reject people on that basis. But if there is no connection, no rapport and their idea of a good date is awkward silence then sorry peeps, I’ll be as picky as the Australian immigration system. If you haven’t got the skills, you aren’t coming in.
Dating is generally a bit of a minefield but to my fellow single pringles I say this, there is nothing wrong with knowing what you will and won’t accept. But be realistic, keep yourself firmly in the practical world and something will come along. And if you haven’t already I do recommend speed dating. Even the pickiest or clingiest singles have their picky/clinginess tested with a room full of 27 other gay men. For the record I turned up to the last one looking like a scene from Bridget Jones, wet (it was raining), pale (I had a cold) and smelly (it had been a long day and a very stuff train). I wouldn’t have picked me either!!!
I suspect this will be the first of a series of posts on this. Sharing some my experiences plus some others experiences too. Seeing how we can all navigate the dating world to get the most out of it, or at the very least, get some enjoyment out of it.
Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.
I submitted this article before the tragic events occurred in Orlando but after the attack I’ve decided to edit it slightly and reissue as this is definitely relevant. In this entry I’m talking about the need for the gay scene when put alongside the ‘straight’ scene. One positive thing that could come out of recent atrocities is that people come to see and appreciate gay venues and ‘the scene’ more.
Almost all the time now you see various people saying “well if gay people can go to ‘straight’ bars and not get kicked out then why do I need a dedicated gay bar?”. In 2014 the BBC even had an article labelled “Do gay people still need gay bars?” which looked at the history of gay venues and some of the purposes they serve.
But to these people that don’t see the point and question others for going on “the scene” I say yes it is brilliant that we as a community can walk amongst our fellow communities and mingle without fear of attack or exclusion but I don’t think that’s quite true for everyone and gay bars aren’t just for ‘having a drink’.
In the UK, gay bars were seen safe haven during a time when being LGBT was illegal or still something that would result in you suffering verbal or physical abuse. So yes they were bars and pubs but they were also places where people could socialise with others, have a drink and feel ‘secure’. When the Admiral Duncan was attacked in 1999 it shook the community and people lost their lives but ultimately that determination to have somewhere safe for the community lead the venue (and others) to continue to this day.
In the UK today yes we have far less abuse than way back when and indeed being LGBT is no longer illegal (we can even get married) so our world is a bit more brighter. But does that mean that the LGBT community is dead and gay bars (“the scene”) along with it? I was at the vigil for the Orlando victims in Soho and I can safely say our community is very much alive and kicking.
If you in your life can live and breathe your sexuality with no fear of bullying, abuse, or negativity of any kind then I envy you as that is indeed something to be treasured and proud of. And I can see that for you there probably isn’t much of a ‘need’ in that sense for a specific gay scene. But if you do face abuse of any kind, or bullying, or negativity then surely having somewhere where you can express yourself, meet friends and have a drink isn’t a bad thing?
For some of you reading this your local bars will vary greatly from other areas. For example, whenever I visit Canal Street in Manchester I am always envious of the consistent and visual sense of community that the bars, their owners and their customers have. Generally, they stick together to support the street and the community in which they serve. But when you come down south, London doesn’t really have that sense of community amongst the bars. So while each venue is different and does engage with its punters they do seem to operate for themselves only coming together in a real crisis. If all gay scenes operated the same way as Manchester I think the question for what purpose do they serve wouldn’t come up as much, if at all.
So the scene means different things to different people. Historically it has been a shelter and does continue to be for some people. But in today’s ‘more tolerant world’ while there is a need to be a shelter there is also a need for the scene to be a place for the LGBT community to come together, meet, greet and have fun. What is so bad with that?
Personally for me I have only ever suffered directly very mild homophobia (my bullying at school was for my distinctly Harry Potter like looks) but I have worked with and supporting those who have seen some extreme homophobic bullying, even in this day and age in 2016. For them, places like gay charities, the gay scene and other places where being LGBT is not judged these places are a lifeline and a key part of their life.
On a more practical note (as a single gay man) we are also forgetting one of the key things that bars and clubs provide – a chance to meet people! Even the straight community go out to bars and clubs ‘on the pull’ to either have some fun or meet a potential date for another day. If there is nothing but mixed venues not exclusive either way your chances of striking lucky with a gay man (or woman) and not hitting on a straight person in error aren’t great. So if you can’t meet people on a night out what’s left? Grindr? Tinder? I’ll stick with my 12 cats thanks!
So for me, I prefer having a gay venue where I can actually meet and interact with people in real life and actually have a bat in hells chance of hitting on someone and it actually being someone I have a remote chance with. The fun and excitement of eyes meeting across a busy room, initial questions and discussions, and even a drunken (usually) first kiss.
I also often hear people saying that they don’t go anywhere near the scene as it’s “full of queens and bitchyness”. Well if that is your opinion then you’re focusing on the wrong things. Every bar, pub, local venue has its dramas and its cliques, the scene is no different, so to accuse gay bars of being unique to everywhere else says more about you than it does about the gay scene. If you don’t need the scene then fine and you should be proud of that but don’t attack something you don’t understand or don’t appreciate. Yes, there is that element but to many people it’s their home.
The gay scene and its venues are part of our communities’ and this country’s legacy and to so many they represent a place of sanctuary so I say long may they continue!
My heartfelt condolences go out to those we have lost in Orlando. I am proud of how our global community has come together. Never shall we be beaten.
Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.
Amongst the gay community (us gays) we like to have icons. Over the years we have called out quite a few. Ranging from Madonna & Kylie back in the day to more modern icons like Barack Obama, Lady Gaga or Stephen Fry.
I recently attended one of the best pride events I have been to in a long time. For me, Manchester pride is a shining example of how a pride should be.
The reminders of our past, the celebration of our achievements and the hope for our future all wrapped up in 1 event. All you have to do is look around at how everyone interacts and how the businesses operate and you get such a sense of community in the air. I’ve been to many different prides over the last 10 years or so including some of those in Europe and I would gladly place Manchester pride up there amongst the best.
Yes I had a cider or 2, but then I’d have a cider or 2 regardless of it being pride. But for me it was a weekend of friends, old and new, learning about new things and pushing my boundaries to do and experience new things. To challenge some of my own prejudices and short comings and come out the other side with a sense of achievement.
On the Monday evening, for those that did not stay the full weekend, in the community park a candle lit vigil occurs on behalf of the Georges House Trust (GHT). GHT have been in Manchester offering HIV-related services & support for 30 years and this year decided to remember those 30 years and some of those that have used the service.
Each of the various different national and local well-known figures brought with them to the stage a memory, a memory of someone close to them that they are there to remember. Someone who cannot be with us but is with us in our hearts. Each talk, albeit short, was utterly moving and emotional. A local theatre company performed a selection of calls that had been received by the GHT to their telephone support line. The 3 performers read out the ‘call diary’ of the volunteers on call that detailed what the call was and what advice was given.
Some calls were sweet. Some calls were creepy. Some were routine and some revealed the sheer scale of horror and injustice that living with HIV was like in the 80s and 90s. You could not help but be moved to tears when you hear about a man losing his partner because he committed suicide after finding out he was HIV+, or a mother so scared for her HIV+ son that she turns to the GHT for help in utter desperation. In each call the GHT volunteers were there to help and they, and all other organisations throughout the world that offer a similar service, are truly a shining light in the darkness of someone’s desperation.
Many people ask me “what is the point of pride” especially when we enjoy such freedoms and exposure these days and all the say is a load of youths drinking. For me I answer with this; pride is not a march, it is a parade. It’s a celebration of all we have achieved but also a remembrance of all those we have lost. Those that have given their lives or suffered greatly fighting for what is right deserve to see the benefits of their work. To be remembered and celebrated and to allow people to be whomever they want to be and live in a world with no prejudice for phobia. Even if that is only during the pride festivities.
Pride also reminds us is that we have still a long way to go on some areas. In the recent Dean Street data incident, the fact that some people have taken that list of email addresses and are sending the recipients abusive messages shows that HIV ignorance and prejudice is still a problem in this country. Even some of the news agencies listed Dean Street as an “AIDS clinic” rather than the sexual health clinic that it is. So long as ignorance and intolerance of HIV & AIDS exists then work will go on. For that matter, so long as HIV still exists then the work will go on.
GHT handed out to everyone and encouraged them to share these 5 facts about HIV via social media. I encourage everyone to do the same. Even if you don’t engage in pride or know of anyone that has suffered with HIV you can do your bit and simply share some common facts to promote awareness.
1 – Testing regularly for HIV is the right thing to do
2 – Medication is stopping HIV from being passed on
3 – HIV is a manageable condition when diagnosed early
4 – People living with HIV are enjoying happy and fulfilling relationships
5 – Positive attitudes encourage discussion about HIV
Recently the opportunity came up to review gay dating apps. Now being a single pringle ready to mingle I thought to myself, why not? I need to get my lazy butt back out there and this seemed like my kind of thing and I do enjoy a good app (who doesn’t??).
Well I can safely say I’ve been on a little journey boys and girls and let me tell you it’s a maze of nonsense out there.
Ranging from the apps that Cupid would be proud of to the apps that try and fail miserably there are literally countless numbers of apps out there for you to chose from. I’ve gone with a small selection of the ones most people appear to have heard of (or that came recommended to me).
Let’s begin with the usual suspects. Number 1, good old Grindr…
Grindr Xtra
Now if you haven’t heard of Grindr then where have you been for the last five years or so? Love it or hate it the fact is that most (emphasis on most, but not all) gay men have been on it at some point over the last six or seven years. I gave it up for two years when I was with my boyfriend and didn’t miss it but now that I’m single again it does become a little habit. Good or bad, I’ll let you decide.
Grindr sells itself as “the best gay dating app” and yes as far as technology goes it is the simpler of the apps out there. It simply shows 1 profile picture for you, shows you people around you and lets you input basic information about who you are and what you are looking for. I currently pay for Grindr “xtra” (because I’m sad like that) and it basically gets you unlimited blocking capability and a much larger list of guys to view. I’m undecided if it’s worth paying the extra few pounds for. It could be to remove the ridiculous amount of adverts that are on the free version.
Now because it is location based it’s also very handy for those that want “a quick hook up” and nothing more. Hence there are a lot of guys on there that are after one thing and one thing only. On the ‘looking for love’ scale, if you go onto it with low expectations when it does happen (and I know that it has) then it’s a pleasant surprise. Otherwise, I’d recommend it for visiting new areas and seeing who is about or for those days when a booty call is really all you want (and don’t deny that you have those days, because we all know that you do!).
POF
For months I have resisted the urge to join Plenty of Fish because, rightly or wrongly, I saw this type of site as the last chance saloon of singledom. And I don’t think I’m quite there yet… (Famous last words). Now I fully accept that was being prejudiced having that view and I took the plunge some months ago and signed myself up with an account. I’m all about challenging perceptions and all that so why not start with my own? I have to say that I was surprised a little with what you are given. Yes, it’s the same faces on here as there is on Grindr but actually, this is geared up more to those just looking about to see who wants to connect.
Yes, you do get the people that start off all sweet and lovely and then declare that they are horny and “can our date be moved forward to right now”, but actually that’s just men. We can’t really blame an app for what an arse your average man can be.
But actually, if you’re looking for something different then POF could be for you. Unfortunately, the app does load other users that are near you so if you happen to check it while travelling about you may have to disappoint some people that message you thinking you are local when in fact you are just travelling through.
If you are concerned like I was that being on there is “sad” or not something to admit in public then I would challenge you do try it out. You might be surprised at what you see. Again, the app is only as good as what you put into it. Put rubbish in, get rubbish out.
Tinder
Like POF tinder a simpler app designed to “match” people based on their personalities and likes/dislikes. Tinder asks you to complete a survey and provide as much information about you as possible so that it can create a list of possible matches for you and ask you to “like” or “not quite right” profiles that it presents to you.
The traditional features are all there including location-based searches but like POF there are very little opportunities to declare your sexual preferences or put on your profile that you’re horny. Like POF they are still on there but this app is geared up to be very “blind date” matchmaking.
It sounds cheesy but it really isn’t. I’d recommend checking it out as it’s fairly modern in design, appears to be stable and like POF if you put some real effort in you may be surprised with what you get out.
Jack’d
Jack’d is a really odd app as it is very simple to use, a little more functionality that Grindr does (more pictures for example and a “matching” service) but it’s also very basic, very clunky in places and has a habit of presenting you to a lot (and I do mean a lot) of US-based guys. I’d say out of all of the profiles that messaged me during my time on here a good 50% were “non-UK” based. Which is great if you’re looking for a long distance to marry and move to the states with. But for us lowly average gays it doesn’t really do much for your chances.
It also seemed to struggle with logging in quite a lot (more than Grindr anyway which is saying something). Can you see Willam Belli or another drag queen making a song with a reference to Jack’d? No me neither!
As far as “hook up” usefulness, yes like Grindr it is location based so can show the guys around you it doesn’t really sell itself as a hookup friendly app. You will find the same guys on it mind you. Except on this one its long walks and snuggles and on Grindr its long dicks and group sessions. That’s a massive generalisation but you get the point.
Wapo
“Wapo” (what used to be called Bender before someone cottoned on that it really is a stupidly unwise name) apparently is Spanish for ‘handsome man’. Far be it for me to quote trade descriptions at them as I oversell myself but seriously?
In recent years it’s undergone a major overhaul so that now it’s not bad looking. It gives you more functionality than Grindr (ability to view your profile views for example without having to pay for it) but it is slightly temperamental. Not only in my experience but some of the reviews on the app store also give it a scathing report that it is unstable and not very user friendly. On the upside it does let me detail my height in feet and inches (it’s the small things. Oh and I’m 6 foot 3).
Again, most of the people you’ll find on Grindr or Jack’d you’ll find on Wapo but it does seem to be more of a mixed bag. Worth a look and see what you think. I do however think the name is lame.
Hornet
Now hornet seems to be a mix of all the others. It has a very simple setup like Grindr with some added features liked Jack’d (public and private photos, view tracks, add favourites etc) but isn’t quite as ‘tidy’ or as finely tuned as Grindr. The Hornet app is also geared up for those looking for something more as not once does it ask you your “role” or if you are listed as looking for “hook-ups”.
What I also like about Hornet is that it asks you if you know your HIV status and when you were last checked. You can choose not to provide that information as it’s not mandatory but alongside asking you it also encourages you to find out and get checked. As a promoter of good sexual health, this is a big tick in the box for me. An app that seems to actually care…
Booty call usefulness again depends on your profile. Like the others it is location based so if you are anywhere near another user then you’ll show up and who knows what could happen. It doesn’t appear to offer any sort of “matching” service nor does it offer chances to detail your sexual preferences so in the battle between “sex app” vs “dating app” Horney remains decidedly neutral.
Gaydar
For those guys, that like me had a gaydar profile back in the days when it was just a dating website I couldn’t not mention the app they now have. Given all the changes Gaydar has been through lately the app isn’t bad overall. It is reasonably well designed, clear and easy to understand. It follows the same sort of layout as the website profiles and gives you pretty much all the same information as the full website.
As Gaydar is the longest serving gay dating website that I’m aware of, its ‘looking for love’ factor is quite high. The days of sitting on Gaydar just for the chat rooms are long gone. Having a look around online and talking to other people I get the impression that everyone has a profile on there, but not many people actually use it or update it.
This means that Gaydar does have a chance of helping you find love, little to no chance of finding a hook-up and providing you’re in no hurry to find anyone or get a reply to your messages then this is the app for you.
(After this little exercise I decided to completely delete my profile on there… No real reason other than I very rarely got anything from it and I decided it was the end of an era).
Fitlads
Now I’ve always liked the Fitlads main website. Yes, it is basic but functionality wise it offers a lot and some of the guys on there are a laugh. I’ve had many a good night on Fitlads and made a few online friends from it.
But having said that I wouldn’t recommend the app. It’s very basic, not very stable and makes you want to log on to the website to see what it’s trying to present to you. You can search for members, use your location to find other people, message and post on the forums but is pretty much it. Whereas the mobile web page lets you do much more. I mainly use the mobile web page now, to be honest. I may also be the person that subscribes monthly to get access to the porn videos. Far better than storing them on my laptop. ;o) I’d recommend checking out the website www.fitlads.net as it’s a pretty good, albeit basic, site for meeting guys, getting dates and various other things. I think I bought my first sex toy from the Fitlads shop. For that reason, well that reason and others, it will always have a little soft spot in my heart.
If I was to tell you that I was ever so slightly hairy and fell into the category of “otter” would you be surprised? No? Didn’t think so! Well for those that also love the male form with a little bit of hair (or not) then Scruff is the app for you. It’s got all of the functionality of Grindr and Jack’d and is a little more stable and easy to navigate. It’s a little more complex than Grindr as you can have private “albums” and search internationally for people but essentially it is simple to use. Having been on Scruff during my single years I’ve found it to be very handy for meeting guys that not only like the hairier male form but also some real guys that are looking for something more. I’ve got a couple of dates out of Scruff and while they haven’t developed into a relationship (because not everyone has to fall in love with the first guy they meet) I’ve actually made some good friends from it. And yes I have also had some good times from it. As it is location-based and allows for private album sharing it is very “hook up” friendly. But like all the others, it is an app where what you put in is what you get back out again. If you’re after the more masculine man then Scruff is for you. If not, then I’d stick with Grindr.
Recon.
Now I thought I’d throw this one into the mix purely because of my last article about kink in the media. If you are looking for love on here then you will be hard-pressed to find it but that isn’t to say that you can’t. I know a fair few people that have met their partners in a roundabout way through Recon. So don’t automatically dismiss the idea.
Now that being said, Recon is very much aimed at those with a kinkier side to their personality. From the hardcore through to the milder tame stuff. The app, just like the website, is very geared up at the sexual aspect detailing what you are into, what your body is like and what you can be contacted for. The app allows messages, searching based on your current location, editing your profile and searching for Recon events in your area.
Over the last couple of weeks, we have been talking about everyone’s favourite after-dinner topic, porn! Let’s be honest, we’ve all seen porn in one form or another and have all compared ourselves to the very buff, well-endowed actors (while sat drinking tea and being civilized of course…). But where does that constant need to compare ourselves to other people come from? And will we ever be happy with our own bodies enough to not care how buff the ‘other guy’ is?
Now, I’m going to make this a little personal to me for a while so if I bore you, tough! For those that know me you know that I’m never happy with my body and that I’m rather partial to, shall we say, punch and pie… therefore keeping the body in the shape of an adonis is always going to be an uphill struggle. But who said that male bodies need to have washboard abs? And where can I find this person to rub him up against a few washboards? (And not in a good way!).
Don’t get me wrong, I like the look of a nice toned healthy body just as much as the next guy, but when does that creep into then comparing yourself to the men you see? We all do it, we see a slimmer, smoother, taller, bulkier guy and suddenly you instantly find yourself admiring what they have and wishing you had it yourself. When actually, you already have most of what just walked past.
I had a friend, a real friend not “a friend”, who I went to Gran Canaria with for pride. He was tall, slim, dark-haired and reasonably confident. While walking down that main drag before the pride parade started you could clearly see people checking him out and eyeing him up. But could he see it? Definitely not – instead he spent most of his time diverting attention away and complaining about how his body wasn’t as ‘picture perfect’ as some of the other bodies there. Dude, you’re getting attention from some pretty hot guys… buck up your ideas and live in the moment. Shudda, wudda, cudda doesn’t get you where you want to be or enjoying the life that is clearly knocking on your doorstep. Please note I only ever say dude when someone really has a “derrr” moment and needs to be told, one dude to another… promise!
But we’ve all done it. Dressed differently to hide something we don’t like about our bodies, or gone on a crash diet to get just that little bit slimmer for the summer or our pride holiday.
Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?
If I were to change my lifestyle to get and maintain a ‘buff’ body would that mean that I would be happy with my self-image and finally be comfortable in my own skin? I don’t think so… Well, not from what I’ve seen. I can say (proudly?) that I have some fit and healthy friends, a couple of whom took the pilgrimage to change their bodies from one shape to another. Now they are in a better shape than before I thought it would stop or become settled into a ‘maintenance’ routine, but apparently not.
They are now looking at going on to the next level and bulk out further. Dieting and protein shakes seem to have become the new thing and the same old negative self-image is still there. I remember one time for whatever reason they were unable to get to the gym for a day or 2 and all you got from them was a constant worry that they were starting to lose definition and therefore confidence.
You could see the confidence literally disappear from his eyes as the evening went on and he talked himself more and more into a belief that no one would speak to him because his six-pack had receded less than a centimetre. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him, but at the same time also see some of myself in that. One thing out of place or body being bloated and you do fix on it and think that it’s something to be ashamed of.
Lately, I will admit that being in a long term relationship meant that I did get quite close to being ‘happy’ in my own body – not completely however, but just enough to not worry about what I wore or spend ages in a gym just to burn off less fat than that in a rich tea biscuit. But that also meant that I became lazy, unhealthy and I’ll even admit it, overweight. I’m not ashamed of that, but I do now look at myself and think “bloody hell boy, you’ve let yourself go”. Instantly I go straight into a self-body hating mode and get back into the old regimes. But already I’m starting to feel healthier and a little happier in myself; so surely self-improvement can be a good thing?
Before we go down this path, mother if you’re reading this, avert your eyes or even better go and make yourself a cup of tea – go on!
Now, you’re all thinking it – this doesn’t just apply to bodies, we also do it with cock size (and don’t say you don’t because you do, I’m yet to meet someone that hasn’t at some point in their life, even when drunk). Bigger is better apparently, again who decided this I have no idea. Personally, bigger is not better as bigger means the more you’re expected to fit up there… (Although not me, 100% top… sorry boys!).
So why is bigger so much better? Why do we always feel like we are smaller than everyone else when in fact, actually, we are a decent size and can have ‘fun’ without the need to outsize Dumbo? A lot of people blame the porn industry, and I have to admit after just doing a basic search online, I would have to agree with that. Out of the 10 videos I found online all of them had actors that were well above the national average (and 9 of the 10 bareback I might add, but that’s a separate issue). They all looked like they could last for hours and they all gave rather loud (and kind of convincing) orgasms which could only lead the viewer to believe that big penises lead to better orgasms. It’s at this point I rely on the bottoms out there to agree with me here that that is utter rubbish.
Personally, I take the opinion with penis size that so long as we can do something with it then who cares what the measurement is? I’m not looking to quote you for a suit, or take it on Ryanair as hand luggage so who cares what the size is? Am I alone in that thinking? And I am only saying that because I’ve not blessed in either of the extreme size categories? Is that a mindset that can ever be achieved in gay men when we are bombarded with ‘shlong’ porn and a culture of ‘bigger is better’? I think I saw a video on a ‘popular dating site’ once that even had someone shove a cone up their bum – how can anyone compete with that?
A few years ago I was asked if I wanted to partake in porn (I think we all have at some point) but I genuinely believed at the time that I wouldn’t be ‘fit’ enough for porn. Those guys are built, smooth and hung like a whale; three things of which I was not. So naturally, I turned it down, but not because of moral grounds but because I deemed myself unworthy of porn? I look back now and think, what on earth was I thinking?
I keep bringing this back to me, in many ways this is deliberate and I make no apology for it as body image is a very personal thing. We, the outside world, can spot trends in behaviours but we all have our unique individual reasons for why we want to change our bodies or don’t feel confident in them. For some, it can be a deeply personal and a painful motivator, for others a fad or peer pressure or even just a way of life and nothing any deeper than that. All I’ll say is that next time you look in the mirror and see something that you don’t like, ask yourself is it you that doesn’t like it or is it your opinion that others don’t like it, therefore, you don’t like it?
If it’s the latter, just explore that thought and see where it leads… who knows you might find something out about yourself.
Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.
In ‘The Standard’ newspaper earlier this week (1st July) there is a lovely article on how the “gay geek is the most sought after worker in London” in which Benjamin Cohen (not the hot rugby one unfortunately) talks about how big tech firms are jumping on the gay rights bandwagon and engaging in recruitment and events that attract up and coming gay men.
Did you know that up and coming technical whizz gay men where hot property these days? No, neither did I.
All either have that geek look about them, or are a big part of the so-called “geek world” and yet retain a level of attraction. It could just be me and my view of the world having said that, but my what a view…
So I say to that inner geek in you, break out! Be free! And whatever your “geekyness”, remember that it makes you hot… (Especially if you’re Zachary Quinto).
Mr Cohen goes on in his article to claim that earlier this year a study by the University of California found 46% of the gay US workforce has at least one degree, compared with less than a third of the straight workforce. Similar studies in the UK have found gay men on average earn more than a straight man in the same profession.
Being a gay professional who seems to fall into that bucket myself I found this fascinating and it got me thinking… us Gay Geeks really are hot property (if I don’t say so myself). Both in a business sense (as it would appear) but also from a rise in the “Hot Gay Geek” look or celebrity.
But where have these quietly confident hot geeks come from? Have they always been there, lurking in the background at parties being the cute man we all dream for or is this something new? A new craze or fad that has appeared and made the tradition unwelcome geek the cool one at the party? Since the huge success of The Big Bang Theory and the introduction of Zachary Quinto as Spock in the revitalised Star Trek movies, the concept of geek and hot have very much become a “thing”. Don’t we all just want a 3 way with Leonard and Spock??
Growing up, I was very much a geek (not the modern cool kind) and it’s something that I’ve not really grown out of. From technology & gadgets through to being a card carrying Trekkie, Geek is very much me and very much part of my life. But has this ever been hot? I wouldn’t have thought so, don’t get me wrong geeks find other geeks attractive (it’s less fuss that way) but has this attracted the jock type, or other ‘cool’ or ‘hot’ guys?
I bet that the moment I say to you “Trekkie” you either don’t know what this means (a Star Trek fan) or if you do know what it means you have a picture of a pale skinned, greasy haired person that has never ‘been’ with another human being let alone met an alien life form (or maybe they have, in which case I have no comment). But you would be so wrong! Geeks are much more than that and this rise to the limelight highlights that. Everyone has a little geek inside them, this latest trend has just brought it all out into the limelight for the world to see.
I never know how to start an article. Do you start off on a good point? A question? A statement or even a show stopper? You want something that grabs attention while at the same time doesn’t scare people or make them think that you’re a bit of a nutter. Having said that, I do like the nutter route therefore this month’s opening statement is “Speed Dating – is it misunderstood?”★★★★
This month is mostly brought to you by the letter B, for bullying…
No, this is not the section of a game show where we shout out “lines you’d never hear in a…”. After reading some of the recent articles on bullying and people’s experiences it stirred up some memories inside me. I started to reflect on my experience of bullying and, while the memories were still fresh I thought I’d share with you some of my thoughts and, to be perfectly frank, pains of my bullying experience.
Contrary to popular belief, I wasn’t always this funny (ha), intelligent (bigger ha) and well dressed (ha-ha) man you see before you. During my early school days, around the age of 13-15 I was very much the school loner. I had about 3 friends, one of whom was my beloved cat (so you can see what I mean by loner). I was angry all of the time and very quickly became what is known as an “easy target” for jibes and derogatory remarks.
I saying “bullying” because bullies aren’t just people that you can spot in a crowd. They aren’t one group of people over another, you can’t say “ah yes, I can tell be the way that man walks that he’s a bully”. Especially at school ‘bullies’ are anyone and everyone; you could be sat next to one right now on the bus…
At school, once you became known as the school geek or “harry potter” look-alike then that’s it, you were stuck with that label with everyone that was aware of it (which was pretty much everyone). It wasn’t helped by my avid determination to stick with the ‘Harry Potter’ look that I had adopted and the haircut that was described by my tormentors as a “mullet” (although it wasn’t – Google a mullet and it did not look that that).
The jibes would range in nature and tone. Some would be from girls having their usual catty digs or some would come from the year idiot. Often it would be a case where that day he’d picked you as the target to mutter the only long word he could manage in a day without tiring out his one brain cell. All you’d get from him is “mullet” and then he’d laugh and walk away. Any come back you gave was met with a blank face like you’d shouted a foreign language at him and shrugged off. I don’t like to be unkind but the facts seem to speak for themselves…
This went on all during the lower years of high school and into the 1st year of my GCSEs; never violent, only consistent tormenting from any and all angles. At the time, and even to this day, who do you turn to in that sort of situation? Teachers? Parents? The bullies themselves? In my mind none of these would have been of any real help. Teachers wouldn’t tell then entire year off for picking on 1 child. And besides, back in those days ‘bullying does not take place at our school’.
My Parents then? But how do you tell your parents you are being bullied by the entire year? Most parents wouldn’t know what to do any more than you would. The rest would either tell you to stop being so ridiculous, not care or march you down to the school to complain to the teachers that won’t tell off an entire year anyway and fob you off with a “bullying does not take place at our school”. Have you tried telling your entire year that you want them to stop calling you names? If you have, and succeeded, not only do I take my hat off to you but I also think you should be working for an anti-bullying charity and be an inspiration to us all.
This constant torment and digs meant that for many years I suffered with intense bouts of anger and frustration, often lashing out at those around me. Looking back now, I believe that I suffered all during those years from a very deep depression. My tormented mind took me places that I never wish to see again, nor wish on any living soul. The mind can be just as cruel as any bully.
So I suffered in silence for many years. I quickly took to anticipating the blows that would come my way, and I thought that if I called myself such things that it would take the wind out of their sails and they would get bored of it. It didn’t really work; they just found other ways of slipping it in or getting at you. However that view is something that still stays with me today and I’m always the first one to crack a joke at my own expense.
In my final year of GCSEs and going into a-levels I started to notice something in my behaviour, that, up until that point I hadn’t really noticed. Of my 3 friends (including the cat), the one who was the very opposite of who I was (not the cat) suddenly found themselves on the receiving end of my anger and frustration. Over a period of about 3 years I had repeatedly made jabs and comments about him, his views and his personality. I had become the very thing that I was so angry at. I think it came to a head when I noticed that my other friend had started to do it as well. I sat and watched as he made the exact same jibes that I had made and it hit me. I had become the very thing that I despised and I was utterly horrified. To this day it is my biggest shame and I only share it because such shames should be frowned upon. Bullying will only stop when society decides it is completely unacceptable just as it once did of Homosexuality. Isn’t it amazing how that can be stopped in public places and yet bullying of any kind can’t?
For those that have read a previous article of mine about gay bullying you’ll note that this is around the time that I ‘verbally attacked’ the resident school “gay boy” after he verbally attacked a friend. It was that event that helped me open my eyes to what I had become and the behaviour I was breeding in others.
It’s almost as if something changed within me. Not consciously or through any overnight miraculous transformation, slowly but surely things began to change. I cut and restyled my hair, learnt to control my temper and anger, became the “funny man” and someone less social awkward to be around. Now my problems didn’t change overnight but funnily enough the M word soon disappeared. As did the constant casual mocking. You could even say that I had a place other than rock bottom in the social ladder. The real relaxed me was starting to appear, not the bitter and twisted person that seemed to be taking hold. I was even invited to parties, invited out to the pub I had friends and people to talk to. All because I had made a change in my life to change what made me so different.
Now this is very unique to my experiences and life and isn’t typical of all bullying scenarios. Some could even say that I succumbed to peer pressure by changing who I was. But to those people I say this; surely the person I have become is better than the angry mess I was becoming? You can either be bullied, and spend the rest of your life being a victim of bullying or you can engage and challenge it. Work out what the bullying is about and actively challenge it. Either through changes and confidence in yourself or through seeking help and guidance from others, including your family.
Humans fear what they do not understand and this is especially true of children and those with troubled backgrounds. You’ll often find, as I did, that a bully is someone with a pain or secret of their own. Someone who is looking to deflect attention away from themselves, or to lash out the pain that they feel or have suffered. However there are those that just do it because social protocol allows them to. And these are the dangerous ones. These are the ones you don’t see coming and the ones that in all honesty, hurt the most. And it is these ones that we must challenge as a society so that eventually bullying truly is seen as socially unacceptable regardless of the social crowd it’s happening with. Why can’t we make bullying behaviour as unacceptable in public as 2 men kissing once was?
My years of bullying have left their scars. I don’t let them define me or dictate my life, but they have given me my sense of humour and outlook on life. Bullying is a part of my background and to ignore it is, in my mind, foolish. I owe both my good points and my bad points to my bullying experience. And while I wouldn’t call myself a ‘victim’ of bullying, I would call myself someone who has experienced it, knows it, and has come out the other side.
That is my demon, and I carry it gladly as a reminder to me and to others that throw away words leave lasting scars. I believe it was Oscar Wilde that once said that the ‘pen is mightier than the sword’… How true.
For those that are interested, my cat was called Tilly and she remained a true and loyal friend in the good times and the bad for 14 years of my life. She was, at one point, my best friend in all the world.
It’s been a while since I’ve submitted any articles, partly because I’ve been moving and partly because what writing I have been doing seems to be turning into a bit of a beast. A big gay-related beast! I won’t give much away (in fact I’ve given nothing away) but I suspect I may park the beast for the moment and save it for a rainy day.
Last month everyone has been talking about ‘coming out’ and what this means to people. In my mind coming out is a very personal thing and means different things to different people. But what does it mean to be ‘out’ and why is coming out still a thing for the gay community? Are we making a mountain out of a mole hill?
When I was 18 (all those many years ago) I pretty much knew what I was and that girls just held no interest for me at all. However, no matter how good my friends were or how close I felt to them I didn’t feel that while at college I could ‘out myself’ to everyone. I think this was mainly because I was scared of losing the friends I had worked so hard to earn – I wasn’t a very popular kid when I started high school (I looked like Harry Potter). That and of the guys that had declared themselves as gay in my year were, how shall we say, ‘bad examples of gay men’ that didn’t have a nice word to say about anyone.
I remember one occasion when one of them decided to be incredibly bitchy to a friend that had simply and politely said hello to him. Having overheard this I quickly stepped into action and launched a tirade of abuse at said boy reducing him and his ‘posse’ to tears. While this isn’t something I am necessarily proud of I stand by that action as it was one of many incidents where this person had spat poison at the world and spitting poison at the innocent is a step too far.
At the time I felt like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. My experience of being gay up until that point was two very camp, very bitchy gay guys in my year that had a very close group of friends but other than that was on the outer edges of the school social groups. Do I out myself and declare myself as different to them or just keep shtum as being different doesn’t make a difference?
The moment I left college (literally that afternoon) and after quite a few drinks down the local Wetherspoons I did out myself and the majority of my friends did the usual response stating that they already knew and this was old news. I didn’t know whether to be flattered or not, in my mind I hadn’t given anything away – I was the perfect model of a “straight teenager”. Or so I thought.
It’s only now looking back that actually I remember a few house parties where hands would wander and my crush on two boys in my class (one at a time I might add). The first one was tall, thin and blonde. He was laid back, took everything as cool as you like, and was good with his hands and just yum. I had thought I was discreet but clearly my gawping at him didn’t go un-noticed. That and I used to make up stuff just so he would talk to me. (You can see why me being gay was obvious to people can’t you??).
The other one was a member of my close group of friends. Tall, thin but this one was sporty. Sweet as you like but very teenage male, which kind of made him even hotter. Anywho, when at house parties it was my hands that would go wandering (or a cheeky feel of certain areas).
Given all that I think that I made more of an issue of coming out that I should have done. Clearly I wanted to, and it was abundantly obvious that I was but in my head coming out would end the world and sees me back as the lonely boy I was in the first year of high school.
Coming out to my mum was just as traumatic, but for completely different reasons. At the time I was seeing someone (not quite first love but close) and it had ended abruptly as he was shagging his ex and couldn’t have the spine enough to look me in the eye to tell me. So I was sat at home crying my eyes out and saw fit to dump all this on my mum and seek some motherly comfort. Not the best way to do it, but none the less got it done. Tears were had but no anger or issues and now she thinks it’s wonderful.
My dad on the other hand is another kettle of fish. As with my school mates I strongly suspect that he knows, especially as I’m 26 and have never brought home a girlfriend or even mentioned one. I did agree with myself that once I had moved out from the family home that I would sit him down and tell him as I was then out and standing on my own two feet. If he then chose to have an issue with it I wouldn’t be living under his roof. I doubt he will, but it’s that little voice in the back of the head that says “be careful”.
I am currently out of the family home and still haven’t had ‘the conversation’. I am going steady with someone and he has met my mum and brothers family and technically has met my dad, but not as “Hi Dad, this is the man I love”. I know I should just get it out of the way but something just stops me from doing so. Which isn’t me at all, usually I look people in the eye and tell them how things are. I can’t stand people that shake off their responsibilities, especially if a relationship is coming to an end. But here I am, shying away from doing something that could well be a mole hill and not a mountain…
At work technically speaking I am not “out” but that isn’t through wanting to hide my sexuality that is more to do with that I just don’t discuss such things at work. Some of the people know as I know them outside of the office but on the whole they don’t and actually I’m not fussed if they do or do not know. If that’s lazy state of ‘in the closet’ then fine, I’m being lazy!
In a time where discrimination is still rife I understand the fear people have and why people therefore fear the damage that coming out does. I would however encourage everyone to really think and see if this is truly a mountain or a mole hill? Is the damage real or is the news already out and the damage not what you think? Sometimes it will be, sometimes it won’t.
But always remember to do what feels right for you and what works. Coming out is a personal thing so never feel pressured into doing or not doing anything. No one has the right to force you into coming out, not even a partner.
Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.
![CREDIT: TrishMvhl [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons](https://www.thegayuk.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Philjimenez-By-TrishMvhl-Public-domain-via-Wikimedia-Commons.jpg "Top 5 Hot Gay Geeks 17")
