THEGAYUK

Author: Scott Sammons

  • Do you know what Grindr does with your data?

    Do you know what Grindr does with your data?

    Today is international data protection day, a day to highlight the importance of Data Protection and the right to privacy. But please don’t let that put you off reading further, I appreciate that when you say the words ‘Data Protection’ most people’s eye’s glaze over. And in many ways that’s deserving, it does have a bad rep, but also it’s far more important than that.

    Let me ask you a question, are you a user of the app Grindr? If not, then this is just a fascinating article for you. If so, you really do need to be aware of what Grindr has been up to with your data.

    When you use these apps, you expect them to take care of the data given that a wide range of people from our community use such apps. Yes for hook-ups, but also for contact and even just reaching out for those in remote communities or those unable to be ‘out’ where they live/work/other.

    The knowledge of where a gay/bi/trans/non-binary user is and indeed their data around their personal pictures is something that, if misused, can be used to huge detrimental effect.

    Grindr has had a troubled history with its Data Protection and Cyber Security protections. In 2020 a flaw in its security was highlighted to it by a ‘hacker’ and highlighted concerns over some back Cyber Security principles and standards with the online app. As an early user of Grindr, I remember the various bugs, crashes, data quality flaws that the app has faced over the years. This recent flaw highlighted some concerns in basic account security settings for an App that should now be ‘more mature’ in its approach to protecting customer data.     

    Earlier in 2018, Grindr made headlines as it was revealed that Grindr was owned by a Chinese firm linked (like most Chinese firms seem to be) to the Chinese Government. A regime, claimed by many Countries, to be engaged every minute of every day in cyber warfare. In 2020 the concerns became so much that the Chinese firm announced it was selling its shares in Grindr to a US-based company.

    An app that contains location, names, photos, sexuality and HIV status details of millions of users around the globe has had a chequered past of inappropriate data sharing and storage.   

    This was highlighted again this week after it was announced that the Data Protection Regulator in Norway was intending to fine Grindr NOK100,000,000 (or around €10M or ~$12.1M). If the fine goes ahead, this will be one of the more serious fines under Data Protection (almost 10% of Grindr’s annual turnover last year) that we have seen since the introduction of the GDPR.

    The Danish regulator investigated Grindr after a complaint was raised around Grindr’s sharing of personal data, specifically what it tells users and how it’s ‘take it or leave it’ consent is unlawful under Data Protection law.

    The investigation found that Grindr was sharing users personal data with third parties for marketing purposes (including location, profile data and the fact the person has an account on Grindr (itself a revealing characteristic)). Grindr states that it informs you, the user, of this and you consent to it. When it has been found that they don’t, as what they do provide you is unclear and misleading in the way it is written.

    It’s worth noting that Grindr isn’t the only one to engage in such practices. Several investigations over a range of dating and fertility apps around the globe have revealed some creepy behaviour from the majority of them. Grindr, it would seem, given the context of the platform, is just the most recent to be called out for its poor data sharing practices.

    Why you should care about your data

    So why is this an issue? Why should you, a ‘motivated’ user, for one thing, care about your Data Protection? The key is choice. Under Data Protection you can choose to use a service and not be subjected to marketing or irrelevant data sharing. You pay or want to use an app to do X or Y or Z. Not to then have your messages, images, profile data and even the fact you are on the app shared with other parties without your knowledge, or indeed consent.

    For the vulnerable in our community, Grindr (or other such apps) can be a lifeline to allow them to express themselves and reach others. This practice can only ever be creepy unless you are happy with it and are happy to have your details shared. Knowledge and choice. Such laws are there to go give you, the individual, the power to know, understand and chose what you want to happen and not to be forced into doing it because you have no real choice.

    As members of the LGBT community, we know in our history what the power of data can do. It can build and connect; it can also destroy and damage. While I’m not advocating dumping Grindr as this is a chance for them to improve their practices, I encourage you to see Data Protection as more than just a dull legalistic thing. It is every day in everything. Even if you chose to give away your data, which is your right and freedom, at least make an informed choice.

    P.S. You might also want to take a look at WhatsApp and Facebook. They wrote the book on being creepy and it’s only getting worse.

  • 5 reasons we still need pride

    5 reasons we still need pride

    I’ve written a few times now about Pride, the Gay Community and what being LGBTQ+ in the modern world means. Since lockdown, and with most Prides around the world being either cancelled or postponed, this seems like an opportune moment to go back to basics.

    From resetting the environment, through to resetting our lives. Lockdown has presented a unique opportunity to reflect and maybe find a better way.

    A lack of ‘Pride’ events in the UK reminds us of why they are still important. Yes, they are a celebration, yes, they are a protest, yes, they are ‘messy’, and yes, they are connecting. Pride can be all of those things and whatever else you want it to be if you keep these 5 things in mind.

    Knowledge is power

    monochrome photo of resist signage
    Photo by Sides Imagery on Pexels.com

    At Pride events up and down the country I am always learning new things about what is going on with our LGBTQ+ family across the globe and closer to home. Issues with suitable care for LGBTQ+ needs in care homes, issues with gender recognition and support, mental health and support for coming out related challenges – all sorts. We could all just live in our very nice little UK bubble, or we could expand our horizons. Explore worlds outside our own and see the world through other’s eyes. Hear about their world, their lived experiences and maybe do what we can to make it a little easier for them as it has been ‘easier’ for many of us.

    People say, “why do we need ‘specialist’ services for LGBT people”, and to them I say I pray you never need to use them. While the challenges our community faces are similar to others, they can often be specifically unique and complex. And if you have ever been in that sort of situation, even remotely or seen it ‘third party’, you would understand immediately why you can’t have a generalist supporting that person, it has to be someone that gets the pain, gets the anguish, and can provide the right support to the right person.

    Reflection is learning

    man wearing black crew neck shirt reading book
    Photo by Oladimeji Ajegbile on Pexels.com

    Like it or not you, LGBTQ+ person reading this, enjoy your life today thanks to the work and sacrifice of others. From basic civil rights to allow you to not go to jail for just being you through to fighting stigma and educating the wider public. You can ignore it, you can play it down, you can revel in the ‘safe’ UK and that is your right to do so. But maybe, just maybe, take the opportunity both during pride and outside of it, to go and speak to some of those people that fought for your nice life.

    At my own local pride, Essex, their online pride gave a brilliant segment on LGBT history in Chelmsford and Essex. From the first ‘celebrity’ local gay man through the history of the bars and local charities. I learnt more from that reflective video that I ever would have had access to via word of mouth.

    Pride is an opportunity to reflect. Give thanks and enjoy all the things that those that came before us could not. They fought for your right to be free, to challenge and to party (or not). Either way it is your choice and that’s a choice you enjoy because of them. So, remembering them through Pride, is the very least we can do.  

    To challenge is to evolve

    At Pride events up and down the country, and indeed some in other countries, if you open yourself up to it you can expand your mind. Challenge your preconceptions of the world. And learn so much more about the human experience.

    Personally, I’ve learnt so much about gender, mental health, sexual identity, sexual expression, community, history and the world through the LGBTQ+ community. Every single pride has a community element to it – some more than others. Have you explored these sides of it? The art festival at Brighton, the community networking events at Manchester, the local charity support stands at Essex (to name but a few).

    If you want to see new ideas, examples of the challenges we face, and some amazing examples of community and the real face of humanity, go and see some these events, charities and organisations.

    Participation is community

    white and multicolored love is love banner
    Photo by 42 North on Pexels.com

    Pride brings people together. LGBTQ+ or not, it brings everyone out and raises awareness. We are here, we have a rich and diverse culture, and we are most certainly not going anywhere.

    When the Pulse nightclub in Orlando was attacked, I was there at the vigil in Soho. I had not seen the community mobilise so quickly before and had never seen so many people out to remember those we lost outside of pride. That, plus the vigil at Manchester Pride and various other events have been golden examples of how we are very much a community. And like a community it has its problems, it isn’t perfect and there are aspects of it to love and hate. But the fact remains, it is a community. We all have the same things in common and there is more of what unites us, than divides us.

    It could be worse

    It sounds like one of those hollow statements, but it really is true. Legal rights don’t just appear, they are granted through hard work and determine and as quickly as they can be granted, they can be taken away. We are lucky in the UK because of things like democracy, a free press and an independent judiciary. But not everywhere enjoys that.

    While I’m not suggesting the UK is heading towards being the next China, even some of the basic fundamentals that mean nothing to you may mean the world to someone who is being denied them. Someone who, every single moment of every single day, is being reminded that they are not a human in the eyes of the law/their employer/the police etc.

    If you can’t picture what that feels like, good. I hope you never have to. But that doesn’t take away from the need to ensure that until we live in that perfect world that we all want, we do what we can to remember, respond and remind everyone that we are here, we are human beings and we will not go back to the days of criminalisation and marginalisation.

    I’m not saying you need to be a card carrying, flag waving front and centre member of the community. Instead, make pride what you want of it. A moment of personal reflection and appreciation all the way through to a front and centre card carrying, flag waving member of the community.

    It is what you make of it, just be glad that it can be what you make of it.

  • OPINION | Is having 100+ genders too many?

    OPINION | Is having 100+ genders too many?

    Recently the BBC was attacked for teaching children that there are over 100 different types of gender. This move from the BBC received widespread criticism from the right-wing media (as expected) and unfortunately when a gender spokesperson on Good Morning Britain was interviewed on the matter they struggled to explain the differences when challenged by presenters on what the 100 genders stood for and why some of them were ‘genders’ and not simply aspects of their personality.

    It was, put bluntly, a car crash and did nothing to explain to your the majority of UK viewers what the move was about.

    Don’t get me wrong, I have my issues with Piers Morgan, but that interview was a car crash and made the gender argument look ridiculous. Love him or hate him, Piers won that round and inflicted serious damage on the public perception of gender freedom.

    It left even those of us in the LGBT community that weren’t aware of 100+ genders before now baffled and unsure of what was expected of us as allies?

    As someone that has worked with the wider LGBT+ community, I found the statement that there are 100+ gender staggering. It might easier for a child to get their head around, I can’t say as I’ve not been a child for quite some time now, but if we even struggle then how on earth is wider Society meant to cope? So I went looking to see what on earth the 100+ genders are and what they could mean.

    I found this list from Tumblr which has listed around 116 different types of genders. Some I recognise and some have just baffled me. Many of them, especially those where they say they aren’t ‘Male’ or ‘Female’, but they aren’t anything else either until you ask them, then they say they are X or Y based on that moment. That is not a ‘gender’ type, that’s an attitude or personality trait. At most that is gender fluid, so what’s wrong with being gender fluid?

    For a community that claims to despise labels and being put in boxes are we really telling the wider world that we now have 100+ labels for ourselves, a fair majority of which are based on our mood and situation at any given time?

    Me: “I don’t want you [Society] to label me, we should be beyond labels”

    Also Me: “Here are 100+ more labels, many of which depend on my mood on any given day. You wanna label me, ha I’ve just made it 100 times more difficult.”

    People have to remember that we are a community, built and based on social interaction. This 100+ list of genders and associated pronouns has just put a massive barrier up to other human beings communicating with us/them.

    If you have no idea how to address someone (as even ‘they’ wouldn’t work for some of these) then surely that person is simply not going to address you, and just avoid you completely as it’s the path of least resistance (easier). They don’t mean anything by it, they aren’t out to ‘get you’ or ‘oppress you’ they just have no idea how to interact with you because of this mind-boggling wall you’ve put up and have 1001 things to deal with other than how on earth to say hello to you and ask how you are.

    The rise in gender fluidity and the challenge of the traditional masculine and feminine associations is something to be celebrated, especially if it means we get closer to achieving true gender equality, eradicate sexism and truly accept into Society transsexuality and gender re-assignment. However, with saying to the world that there are now 115 different genders, many of which are based on circumstances and mood, are we at risk to invalidating and demeaning that freedom we have enjoyed as it is coming across as ridiculous and unrealistic?

    A friend of mine recently ‘came out’ as pansexual. For those unaware, pansexuality, or omnisexuality, is the sexual, romantic or emotional attraction towards people regardless of their sex or gender identity.

    Pansexual people may refer to themselves as gender-blind, asserting that gender and sex are not determining factors in their romantic or sexual attraction to others. Unlike Bisexuality, pansexuals tend not to see gender and just see the person/personality.

    Recently Sam Smith (not the friend mentioned above) also came out as non-binary and raising awareness of gender descriptives within our language. Smith has a valid point and if we are truly to be 21st-century race then more accurate command of the language is a good thing. The abuse Smith received from the LGBT community was completely uncalled for.

    However, the 100+ genders issue raises the question, are we using gender identity as a smokescreen for our own personality traits and rising trend to be identified as something and to use that as a banner against oppression? It’s almost as if the community has achieved a level of acceptance (which we have on the whole) but now we want evermore? Or to put it another way, have we just gotten so used to being oppressed and that feeling of ‘fighting the machine’ that we now seek new battles and new demands for acceptance?

    If some of our allies and the community itself are struggling to keep up with the notion of 100+ genders and pronouns, and find they have to ask what someone’s gender is in order not to offend, are we just simply creating a society where no one can get it right because I’ve used the pronouns for gender 67 but actually you are gender 68 which causes you offence and now I’m the oppressor? Surely we want a world where gender isn’t even factored into someone’s decision making. But this seems to want to enshrine even further it into everyday life and make it yet another thing people can use to beat you over the head with.

    Personally, I don’t see the argument for creating any more genders beyond the 6 the NHS currently uses and recognises. Or at least, certainly not for creating 100+ pronouns. I shouldn’t need to know your gender, simply what pronoun to use. For those unaware, the 6 genders the NHS uses are currently male, female, gender-neutral, non-binary, gender-fluid and gender-queer. Being referred to as ‘they’ should be perfectly acceptable for the majority if not all genders. I’ve not seen any of the 100+ that aren’t simply a very subtle variation of 1 of the six (with maybe 1 or 2 exceptions).

    If you do identify as one of the 100+ genders then you don’t need my validation to exist. You certainly don’t need my confirmation of your gender so seeking it from others is a fool’s errand.

    If you can look me in the eye and can honestly say that you are peace with the fact that you identify as whatever-sexual, I’ll believe you and quite happily accept for you that. But if you honestly think this does anything for reaching a stage where gender means nothing to Society then you are deluding yourself. This turns the gender discrimination and bias argument into a completely different beast, a beast you are very unlikely to master.

    There are a number of resources out there on Gender Freedom and Identity. I would encourage everyone to read more on the issue, starting with Mermaids charity so you can understand more around Transsexuality and wider issues. There are also some good resources from the BBC on gender identity and pronouns.

    Here I have simply asked the question and posed some issues that we need to find answers to. Do your own research and come to your own conclusion, but remember this is a debate the nation should have. Not prejudice, or an attack, or an invalidation.

    Educate yourself then see where you end up.

  • DRAMA TRIANGLE: Hero, Villain or maybe you’re neither?

    DRAMA TRIANGLE: Hero, Villain or maybe you’re neither?

    One thing you may all of noticed in your lives is that when someone wrongs you (in whatever way) they aren’t shunned by their friends or family, they often carry on with their lives and, depending on the scenario, will continue to have people give testimony to what a ‘good person’ they are.

    This, often but not always, seems to only add fuel to the fire and riles us up further as to how there is no justice in the world. I mean, how can this be so?

    How can someone that has done something so despicable in your eyes that the world can see them still as the ‘good guy’?

    Well, in short, that’s because the world varies rarely deals in absolutes, contrary to what many people today would have you believe. The world is various shades of grey and there isn’t a ‘universally agreed’ rule book on behaviour everyday behaviour. What you see as something despicable others may well not see as that bad. They may even see you as the villain and this other person the ‘hero’.

    Anxiety, depression and general mental health struggles are a big problem in our modern-day society, therefore while this article can’t cure those things, I wanted to share with you a couple of survival tips I have learnt over the years through my experiences and my struggles with Depression.

    Drama Triangle:

    One of the most powerful things I learned was about the drama triangle. It is a model that most soaps and dramas are based on and is pretty much everywhere in social life – especially amongst the gay community!

    The way it works is that in any given scenario there are always at least 3 ‘roles’. Person 1, from their point of view, may be claiming to be the ‘victim’. “This person is giving me a hard time at work” or something like that. Something is happening to them or has happened to them that they feel is ‘wrong’. To validate that belief, they will seek a witness (person 3). Someone who will be told their tale of woe and will be expected to give them sympathy and by doing so, validate their position as the victim and this other person (person 2) as the perpetrator.

    At the very same time, the person being accused of being the perpetrator or ‘attacker’ of the victim (person 2) may also be feeling attacked by the person claiming to be victim, which may be why they have been defensive or stand-offish to the person 1. In their mind, the roles are very different from how person 1 sees it. To them, they are the victim, person 1 is perpetrator and person 3 is the witness given sympathy and validation (someone who could very well be the same exact person that was the witness to person 1).

    This triangle is always chopping and changing as events and the ‘drama’ unfolds. And unfortunately, once you are in it, it is very difficult to get out of it.

    This is why I have found, albeit extremely painful at times, it is best to always be on the lookout for this triangle in effect and to try and put yourself into the ‘adult’ or ‘observer’ category outside of the triangle and able to see each angle and element to draw your own conclusions (or not). It means you are also able to see that what someone may need is not a sympathy validation of being the victim, but instead an opportunity to break the cycle and take control of their own self-awareness and mental state.

    Communication:

    One of the biggest things I have found in all aspects of life is that communication is paramount and can be a tricky thing to master. I’ve witnessed relationships (any relationships not just romantic ones) completely fall apart because of too little communication, too much communication or over-engineered communication.

    Too little communication is one of the biggest causes of issues. Things like “I assumed they wouldn’t mind”, or “I thought they might react badly, so I kept quiet” are just 2 views that you hear every time something goes wrong.

    I’ve seen romantic relationships where they have mutually ‘agreed’ to be open, but that mutual agreement might exist in one person’s head, but not the other. One has one view of what that means and another view. Both come with their own sets of rules and are often worlds apart from each other. Whereas all it takes is a little courage to speak your mind on what the rules could be and mutually agree them have actually talked about them. We make such large decisions on the basis on assumption, are we really surprised when it then comes tumbling down? Assuming really does make an ‘Ass’ out of ‘U’ and ‘Me’.

    On the flip side, of course, too much communication can be just as harmful. One example would be that we all look at the world around us and make unconscious judgments on what we see. We filter as to what is relevant to us at that moment and what isn’t. And seeing a beautiful face while walking and proceeding to spend 5 minutes talking about how that face made you feel may not be what your romantic partner wants to hear. You’ve assumed they would want to hear about it because you would want to and that could be how you communicate or did communicate with friends and previous lovers.

    Cracking the communication nut is difficult but you can’t crack communication if you communicate nothing. So, talk to your loved one, friend, family member etc and see where it takes you. Even talk to someone you consider an enemy; you might find you learn something, and communication is restored (I refer you back to the drama triangle).

    Self-awareness:

    Self-awareness is a great and useful thing, but it is also extremely dangerous and is not to be confused with things like body dysmorphia or a form of anxiety that makes you overly aware and critical of your actions.

    Self-awareness, from my experience, is about being able to not only be aware of yourself but also to be aware of what is going on around you and your influence and impact over it.

    I’ve learnt to ask why someone does what they do. What have you ‘come for me’ or ‘betrayed me’ or whatever it might be? Is it something I have done? could it be something I didn’t do? Is my action or lack of action right now having a positive or negative effect?

    If someone has walked a path I wouldn’t dream of walking, then there is something going on that I don’t know about. Genuinely ‘evil’ people are rare, and certainly not a common as the press and social media would like you to believe. People, instead, do the best they can with what they have around them at the time. The decisions they make, although questionable to outsiders, at that moment and given the choices they had, may have been the most logical or ‘best’ to them, their values and their view of the world.

    That’s something I have struggled to come to terms with and it has taken me a few years to accept it. It is a challenging thing to accept but once you start living it and making part of how you think, you learn to see the world from a far bigger picture.

    I don’t claim to be an expert on social interaction, far from it, I’ve had my fair share of mistakes, attacks and ‘dramas’ and some of that will never change. But what has changed in recent years is how I respond to them. How I chose to take part in the drama triangle or how I chose not to, let the emotion go and try, instead, to do the right thing for me. Which is what any of us can do.

    If you want to learn more about how to communicate and increase your self-awareness, I am a firm believer in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). You can find details from the Association
    of NLP     including any local practitioners and local groups that can help you.

    Find UK-Based gay and LGBTQ+ Therapists here

  • The Rules of Rough Sex

    The Rules of Rough Sex

    This week, columnist Scott Sammons gives us a rundown of rule for rough sex.

    This article is NSFW, please click here to confirm you are over 18.

  • 10 questions we gay men hate hearing!

    10 questions we gay men hate hearing!

    There are a number of things in life that annoy everyone. Trains running late, an unexpected bill, people that do very little work but get all the rewards, Katie Hopkins, the realisation you’ve missed the McDonalds breakfast timings… those sorts of things.

    But there are some things that annoy us gays specifically and things that, one day everyone will be suitably informed and emotionally aware enough to not ask these utterly stupid questions. I’ve run through the top 10 of these questions and thank to you those that fed back on these on twitter.

    Are you the man or woman?

    I’ve been in a serious long term relationship on 2 occasions in my life. On both occasions at least once each time someone has asked (seriously or not) “so who is the man in the relationship?”. Or, the other variation of “so she is the man and woman?”

    First, and foremost, who said relationships have to be defined by gender stereotypes? When did this become unwritten natural law? And second, would being ‘the woman’ be such a bad thing as indicated by your tone?

    It’s usually the straights that do this and they are simply imprinting onto to us their own understanding on how relationships work. One person is the man (or boss) and the other is the woman (not the boss). Although many relationships I know of straights, the man is very rarely the boss. So the whole concept is just crap. Not offensive to hear, just bloody annoying after a while.

    Top or Bottom?

    Within our own community, this question does grate on me. Usually online but you do get it face to face as well. “Are you top or bottom?”. Now, I’ve written more than one blog post on bottom shaming, Top vs Bottom etc so I freely admit that I may have added to this problem. But in all my posts I encourage sexual freedom. Don’t be defined or confined by it like this loaded question is designed to do.

    Whenever someone asked me I tend to give a sarcastic response. “Are you a top” is usually met with an “ooooh I love this questionnaire things. I filled one in the other day and it said that I was most like a polo shirt. Stylish, functional and only really used by men of a certain age”.

    Instead, why not ask someone what they enjoy doing sexually? Personally, I enjoy anal but for various practical reasons, I can’t take anything anally. I’m not your typical top as I actually care about the pleasure someone gets and am very patient and understanding about accidents. Something which very few ‘tops’ are. Something which needs to change!

    Two tops or two bottoms – how does that work then?

    Linked to the above is the really probing questions many couples face. When someone finds out if you are one thing or another then just have to know “So, you’re both tops/bottoms? How does that work then?”.

    For which my usual, completely over the top response usually is, “Sorry Mavis, with your piles and John’s hip, how does it work for you?”.

    Piss off, in short. Such questions have nothing to do with the outside world and are not someone one straight couple would ask another. While the temptation to be nosey is there, my eyes roll when I hear it as it’s just an excuse for someone to be nosey, intrusive and completely inappropriate.

    Two friends together however over a wine or two, very different. No subjects are taboo in that scenario!

    Have you ever had sex with a woman?

    via GIPHY

    I always laugh at this one. It’s not like cheese tasting where you try a Danish Blue and decide strong cheese isn’t for you. Gays and indeed Bisexuals have a wide range of backgrounds. Some have drunk from the lady cup, others have not. One is not more valid than the other. Yet, once again, this usually comes from the straights. I’ve seen the odd gay man ask it but not usually with any seriousness and usually with context around our histories.

    Don’t you want to try sex with a woman?

    The straights, however, love to ask. Usually followed up with a “would you though, for the right woman?”. For which, once again, the answer is also no. Sexuality isn’t a cheese tasting course. I’m not going to grow a taste for the odd bit of Wensleydale with a nice dark port. P**s off.

    So, that guy you mentioned, have you slept with him?

    via GIPHY

    When we start talking about a friend we know, if they are male, both gays and straights alike, always get the urge to ask if we have slept with the said man.

    The gays usually do it because they are your friend and they are being nosey looking for a juicy bit of gossip on what happened. Which is fine, sort of, but annoying none the less especially as the answer is usually no even though deep down we really wish it was a yes.

    Did you always know you were gay?

    via GIPHY

    Now this one is very context driven as there are occasions where it is a perfectly valid question between friends. But as one of those Ice Breaker questions when’s someone learns of your sexuality, that would be a no-no.

    For me personally, I came out at 19 and I was only really in the ‘closet’ for about 4 years leading up to that point. Until midway through puberty my thoughts were very much about girls, I would even draw erotic art about girls. But after time I found myself drawing more of the male figure and focusing more on their roles in my short (erotic) stories. Around that point, I realised and starting going through the motions.

    Yet those that haven’t been through what we have, don’t assume that. They just assume we have always lived and breathed being gay and therefore always knew. Not so, for many of us, this was something that developed or being realised at a point later in life. That doesn’t make us any less gay, yet the question seems to imply that we aren’t ‘purebred’ because we weren’t ‘gay from birth’.

    Have you watched Drag Race?

    via GIPHY

    I’ll admit, I do watch Drag Race. But even I get annoyed the number of times I am asked by straight friends and people I meet who learn I am gay. Last time I checked there wasn’t a ‘required watching’ list in order to be a gay man in the 21st century (and even if there was, Drag Race would not be on it). So it always makes me laugh how people take the most obvious part of the LGBT/Queer life and suddenly thing gay = must watch drag race.

    Sorry boys n girls, I know plenty of gay men then don’t watch it and I admire / perve on them all the same.

    How can you be gay, you don’t look gay?

    via GIPHY

    Breaking news everyone, a scientist has discovered that gays are born and grow physically different from the rest of the human race. Research has found that a gay man has
    – a higher metabolism, therefore, is often leaner in body shape (and has a larger penis because of it)
    – has developed different vocal cords, therefore, their voice is often softer and of a higher pitch
    – has weaker joints, therefore, things list wrists, elbows and knees bend easier leading to limp wrists, mincing walks and flexible body parts
    – only seems to have the genes for lighter hair and eye colour
    – skin that tans easily
    – lower cognitive abilities resulting in a tendency for dry wit & humour (often referred to as “sass”.

    Have you not heard of this discovery? No? Well, that’s because it’s a load of old rubbish. There is no such thing as a ‘gay look’, other than the typical image given to us by mainstream TV.
    – Camp
    – Blonde
    – Blue or Green eyes
    – Well built
    – softly spoken
    – sassy

    I can see why people have had this impression, therefore, imprint it onto the wider community, but really? I am rarely any of these things (some things I am more of when drunk) but many of the physical things I most certainly am not. Especially the high metabolism part. Yet the last time I checked I was a gay man, capable of loving and pleasing other gay men?

    That one I do find more offensive than annoying, but it is still annoying all the same.

    Do you orgasm every time you have a poo?

    via GIPHY

    This one came into me via Twitter from a follower. Apparently, a straight friend of theirs was curious about anal and asked the question. And for simple minds, I could see why they would come to the conclusion that having a rather large shit was the same as a good-sized cock up your arse.

    I can safely say that they are not related, at all. So don’t ask you narrow-minded gibbon. It’s the same logic as so when you have a swab down your urethra, that’s just like having a piss right? No, it isn’t. ?️‍?

  • COMMENT | Is the gay community homophobic?

    COMMENT | Is the gay community homophobic?

    For a community that has a history of persecution, horror, and division it will always shock me that even to this day, the gay community remains deeply divided and discriminatory to itself.

    In this article, a bit more of a serious one for a change, I want to explore some examples of this discrimination and my thoughts as to why I think this is so.

    To start, I will freely admit that I am a white gay man 32 years of age (middle class if that means anything) with an average upbringing. I was not bullied at school for being gay, I was bullied for looking like Harry Potter long before HP was ‘cool’.

    My family, until recently, has been fairly stable and while I have been through a lot professionally and personally in my own life since I was 18, most of my views and experiences come through the eyes of others. Having spent a number of years working with social care cases my empathy and ability to see your own pain and map of the world is something I treasure. And something, for this piece at least, gives me some insight that I hope you find relatable.

    In this article, I don’t have time to go into the racism, ageism and various other ‘ism’ issues in the community but I will acknowledge them for the moment. I have no doubt all are linked, but racism and ageism isn’t necessarily a sexuality thing as straights have the same issues. We’ll get to them in another article. For the moment, I want to focus purely and simply on gay men hating other gay men for their sexuality.

    The dictionary defines homophobia as a;

    “dislike or prejudice against homosexual people”. There are many different definitions out there, including one that defines it as “a range of negative attitudes and feelings towards or people that are perceived as being lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender”.

    But let’s start with the simplest one as I prefer simple arguments. A “dislike or prejudice against homosexual people”. For this article, I am going to focus on gay men vs gay men. There are plenty of documented cases of gays vs lesbians, gays vs bisexuals and gays having a bash at transgender. The level of disgusting hate I see on F2M people’s profiles aimed at them from other gays is just an embarrassment on us all.

    Now, this is not to say that all gays despise other gays. Far from it. But, there is enough evidence from all our experiences and local communities to say that there is an issue with gays hating and discriminating against other gays for being gay. Or rather, a version of gay that they don’t agree with.

    A good example of this is the ‘straight gay’ hating on the ‘camp gay’.

    Camp gays are widely seen by a number of other gay men as loud, annoying, embarrassing and a hangover from a day when gays were just seen as loud, camp and annoying. When they look at pride marches all they see is the camp gays and automatically assume all pride are this way and pride, the scene, and gay culture is geared solely for the camp gay. Think back, at least one of your friends that don’t really do the scene or rolls their eyes at a young camp gay guy has these opinions. And the fact that they will actively avoid the scene and prides is evidence of these underlying prejudices and resentment that fuels their preferences today.

    Now, many of you will say ‘so what?’.

    If someone wants to avoid the gay scene and community that should be their right and freedom right? And yes, you are correct. As someone that believes in free will you would be correct. But it doesn’t just stop there though does it? Take a look on social media, many of them go on little tirades of hate towards the scene and anything gay doing a job even Mary Whitehouse would be proud of. If you want to disconnect from the community and reject your history that is absolutely fine, but this online hate that is aimed at anyone daring to be ‘loud and proud’ is nothing short of homophobia.

    If a straight man/woman did it we would accuse them of it, so why is it different because another gay man does it against a gay man?

    In straight men at least, often such a phobia comes from their own fears and issues around their sexuality. How many staunch anti-LGBT people do we see be revealed to have secret gay hook-ups or eventually come out as gay when that hate runs out and what you are left with is a realisation. Therefore can the same logic be applied to the gay man that rejects his gay brothers? If things like pride, camp behaviour, ‘loud n proud’ are visual ‘in your face’ reminders of their sexuality and are therefore something to be avoided?

    I can’t say that as I believe homosexuality means different things to different people and everyone expresses that differently. But this ‘hate’ comes from something. Otherwise, why would another gay man attack another gay man in such a fashion when they are plenty of straight people out there that would happily do it to us anyway?

    I have no answers to this just some insights that it does happen and casual homophobia is everywhere. Maybe if we start to accept it for what it is, and start challenging it when we see it, maybe (just maybe) the gay community has a cat in hell’s chance of being the inclusive community it professes itself to be.

  • 5 ways to look sexy on a first date

    5 ways to look sexy on a first date

    Columnist Scott Sammons gives us hard-earned life lessons on how to look sexy for a hot date.

    rawpixel.com at Pexels

    In my last article, I wrote about all the things you can do to look about as sexy as the mud-covered posterior of a Rhino (appreciating that other rhinos may find you/that attractive – each to their own). In this article, however, I’d like to share with you some techniques for how to be sexy on a first date, remembering that sexy is all in the mind so this isn’t just about how to make yourself ‘look sexy’ physically.

    Wear something that compliments you

    Free-Photos / Pixabay

    If, like me, you watch Gok Wan and listen to his wise teachings as if he was Jesus Christ reborn (no… just me? OK…) then you’ll know that there are a number of things you can do to dress for you without completely changing your wardrobe and not be you anymore.

    What we wear is often a reflection of our personality, so I am not saying that you should go out and buy totally new stuff just to impress a boy – far from it. But instead, wear things that make you feel comfortable and confident. For me personally, I avoid white tops at the moment because all they do is remind me that I’m carrying 2 children and it’s about time the little buggers came out as they have been brewing for almost 4 years now. Therefore I often wear black, with some sort of jacket/overshirt to reflect my body shape and emphasise what I want emphasising. Regardless of your fashion, if you go out in something that you are comfortable with and feel confident/OK in, then you are in a good position to charm/impress your date.

    Put on those lucky pants

    CREDIT: NYPhotoboy-bigstock

    People say they don’t have lucky pants, but they do. Everyone does. We may not call them lucky pants, we may instead just call them pants that make us feel comfortable or a little bit sexy. For me, it’s a jock. I don’t wear one with the expectation that it will be seen, I’m a ‘top’ after all so all expectations are it’ll be wasted on the majority of people, but when I wear one I feel confident and remotely sexy (emphasis on the word remotely). And then the twins kick and I’m reminded that I’m carrying a male pregnancy. These twins are a wonder to modern science they really are. Also, I’m pretty sure the father owes me A LOT of child maintenance…

    I digress. The point is to wear something only you know is there to help remind you that you are sexy, you can feel sexy, and that sexy feeling is more for your benefit than it is theirs. If it benefits them, all the better! Sometimes that sexy feeling is more about how you feel than what you appear to them.

    You really do need to ensure good hygiene.

    The only thing I’ll mention in terms of physical body appearance is hygiene. There are days when we just feel yucky and no matter what we do we cannot shift it. Having said that there are some basic levels of hygiene that we can all engage with to make a good impression. For example, after a long day, we can often smell a little. Either literally or because it’s been a heavy coffee day and the breath is a little lacking. Small things like a little aftershave or a chewing gum can easily correct it and don’t then play on your, or your dates, minds.

    Anyone who says that hygiene isn’t important and people should accept you for who you are, warts n all, is a liar. As human beings, we all expect basic levels of hygiene (with some mitigating circumstances) so if you rock up smelling like a gym bag and have the breath of a 100 a day coffee drinking smoker then don’t be surprised if your date becomes distracted by it.

    Do something that makes you feel confident before heading in.

    StockSnap / Pixabay

    Have you ever watched the Olympics or other sport and noticed that they often come onto the pitch or competition area and are wearing headphones? (Or are you just perving at the tight costumes they wear – I don’t blame you if so). They are listening to something called ‘an anchor’. An anchor is a piece of music (or anything else for that matter) then when they listen to it, it fills them with the desired feeling.

    In my case, as I’m the author here so I’m going to make this all about me, I listen to a particular remix of Jessie J’s ‘Domino’. Before going on a night out, a date, a ‘hookup’, or whatever I stick that on and I am instantly taken to a memory of being confident “sexy and free”. Therefore if there is something that would remind you of such a feeling, use it. Confidence is one of the sexiest things around but also one of the most elusive things. We can often let our nerves get the better of us and that awkward nervous energy can start to remove what sexiness exists. As a little trick, therefore, give yourself a little confidence and create your own anchor to help you get it.

    Have that one friend that will tell you the truth.

    On most occasions when I am going on a date I don’t tell another living soul. It’s just easier that way as it’s fewer people to explain it to if it goes bad and fewer people poking their noses in on ‘how it went’ before it has even finished. Having said that, however, you should have that one friend you can tell and that one friend you ask their opinion on about what to wear etc. From a personal safety point of view, it’s a good idea anyway, but that friend can also say you look good (adds to the confidence) or recommend some changes to make you look even better (also adds to the confidence).

    And if they are a particularly good friend they can even calm the nerves and offer a friendly slap round the face if the nerves get too much and you talk yourself out of going.

    Above all, do try to enjoy your date. Regardless of everything else. Life is too short to over-analyse your dates and spend your night fretting. What will be, will be. Roll with it and just see what happens.

  • How not to look sexy on a first date

    How not to look sexy on a first date

    Writer Scott Sammons takes us through the basic don’ts (and he’s got four years of experience apparently) if you’re trying to be sexy on a first date… Buckle up.

    Gay couple
    CREDIT: mast3r-bigstock

    For those of you that follow me on social media (@i_scotty in case you’re interested), you know that I am very much a single pringle currently (partly through my own choice) and have been on a number of dates over the last four years now (four years – wow, how time flies!). This means I’ve picked up a few things about how to not look sexy while on a date, plus a few other hints and tips. Namely, because I seem to have mastered the art of not looking sexy recently.

    So fellow singletons (and people that just fancy a laugh) indulge me a little while I take you on some tales of woe on how not to look sexy on a date (followed by another blog post with tips on how to look sexy on a date).

    Do recount details and stories about your ex

    via GIPHY

    There are some cardinal rules on what to do and not do on a date. For example, spending more than five minutes talking about your ex(s) (or talking about them at all) is as far from sexy as you can humanly get. However, it is an easy trap to fall in to. So our first entry for how to not look sexy on a date is to talk about taboo subjects like your ex/politics/the offside rule (but like I know what that is)/your rather itchy and sore piles.

    This wasn’t me I hasten to add, but instead a lovely (albeit eager and inexperienced) young man I once dated. I say ‘dated’, it was one date and this was just one of a number of errors on his part.

    Some of them not his fault I might add, with experience we just learn these things.

    The evening started well enough, a civilised drink in a small pub near where we both live. The conversation went through the usual small talk before, as you do when conversation flows, you start to get on to the more interesting subjects. However, this young man made a bit of jump from one subject (I can’t remember what so we shall say it was food) to the subject of how his ex used to fret and control what he ate on a daily basis. Now I have nothing but sympathy for the guy as it sounded like a taxing relationship but at the same time, he spent a good hour on the subject despite my best efforts to move the conversation on. I’m not saying it’s never to be discussed, but that’s a conversation for a later date, not date number one. So while you should bring up exes on dates at some point, date one is far from sexy! For all sorts of reasons, the ex-factor is never sexy…

    Run to your date because you’re late (and don’t pack an umbrella)

    via GIPHY

    The last time I went speed dating I took a friend with me as he needed cheering up and, as I’ve told him many times, he needed to get out of his own head and just meet people other than those on Grindr. If you’ve not been speeding dating, I highly recommend. A great experience, and even if you find no one you get to meet people and realise you’re not the only one out there thinking that all men must die… sorry, I meant all men are perfectible datable. Silly me!

    This particular event was occurring in London in the evening in a bar somewhere outside Kings Cross. I had been working all day, it was raining and I had to use the sauna known as the Central line in order to get across town. As you can imagine, therefore, I turned up to the said event looking a little bit like a drowned harassed rat that, I suspect, also smelt a little bit as it had been a very long day and I had to run because I was late.

    I appreciate that some men enjoy the ‘manly musk’, and indeed so do I from time to time, but at a speed dating event, it is not the best place to release the locker room level smell. I was, for want of a better word, a real catch…

    To my surprise, I didn’t really get any matches or follow-ups. Not because of my stunning good looks or personality (pfft) but because I looked like someone that had been drowned, whipped, sat on by 100 rugby players after a match and probably smelt like the arse end of a gym bag. Or rather, that’s what I chose to believe otherwise I really am ugly and have an awful personality (don’t laugh, I can hear you from here!).

    Talk about politics and tell me the wonders of why you are right and I’m wrong.

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    This point is a little political, but it isn’t meant to be per se. Politics is just not sexy to most people so it’s always a risky area to venture in to. If you know me you know that I am a firm advocate of debate, however, there is a limit to this and a long lecture on what you are right and I am wrong is not something that I would consider sexy (or decent behaviour) by any man’s standards.

    This particular date started off well enough (as they all do). I knew that he did have certain ‘leanings’ but I personally don’t think that in of itself is a turn-off. But as the evening went on the conversation kept coming back to his points of view time and time again. One particular view, that of our Transexual brothers and sisters, was particularly interesting. We started talking about the issues they face and the lack of support from the community and he went into a bit of a party political broadcast on why it was all nonsense. As you can imagine by this point, my goal was no longer to find a soul mate but now more to shut down the close-minded gentleman and finish my drink. (I did write another name for him there but I decided to remove it because I’m not a child – but I am thinking it!!). Everyone has different views on all things, and I certainly don’t believe partners should agree on all things (as that’s just boring – personally I find a good debating partner a massive turn on). But when you start ramming your views down your date’s neck shortly after meeting then there is, to be blunt, something seriously unsexy about you.

    Some people may like that, but most of the people I speak to don’t. I’m not entirely sure where I found this one, must have been Grindr as I passed the local conservative club (now that was political…!!).

    Eat that really messy food and share it with half your face.

    via GIPHY

    I like sticky messy food as much as the next man, this may also explain why I’ll never be a clothing model. But on the first few dates maybe having the large rack of ribs, or the spaghetti bolognese, lobster or other hands-on messy foods isn’t a good idea. Get to know the other person first, then maybe on date 3 or 4 you can both be messy and have a laugh about it.

    This ‘sin’ was very much done by me as I really fancied spaghetti, forgetting completely that my method of eating spaghetti resembled that of a cat trying to eat spaghetti. I tried and I tried to be civilised about it, using the spoon and the fork to wrap or cut up the spaghetti but the harder I tried to not come across a grown adult that can’t handle is spaghetti the more I just dug a hole for myself.

    Luckily the guy I was on a date with was fairly humorous about it and I became the butt of a joke or two (adds to the charm of the evening I find) but ultimately I didn’t get a second date and food mishaps can backfire quite spectacularly. Messy food equals a messy date – avoid avoid avoid!

    Flirt with the barman.

    via GIPHY

    Call me old fashioned, but on a date I want to feel a little bit wooed, charmed and something that resembles a smile on your face as you leave. I don’t want to be left waiting, go hungry because you ate before coming (even though we are meeting for dinner) and spend 20 minutes waiting for you on my own at the table because you’ve gone off to the bar to get drinks and spend 15 minutes flirting with the barman.

    Yes, boys and girls, I can safely say that this particular date made even the great Cilla Black turn in her grave as a golden example of how to not look even remotely sexy in the eyes of your date.

    We did eventually eat and there was eventually a sense of ‘charm’ in the air but by this point, it was a case of too little, too late. There are a few things in there that wouldn’t make you even remotely sexy in someone’s eyes – being rude, being late and being about as charming as a dinner with Katie Hopkins.

    Respect, in my book at least, is one of the sexiest qualities in a man. Debate me, respect me and charm me and I’m yours (and people say I’m picky…).

    I’m not going to go into other physical things to do or not to do with regards to looking sexy on a date because everyone finds what is sexy so wildly different. I, personally, think to turn up for a date looking like a fashion disaster hit Popeye the sailor man to be ‘unsexy’. But to others, you could be sex on legs in your badly fitted, camp as tits, slightly over-worn Popeye outfit. Each to their own and who I am to rob someone of that.

    But what I will say is that we all have our dates where we come across as miles away from sexy. And that’s fine, we live and we learn, and ultimately we have a laugh. I now have hundreds of stories to share with my Pussy over a glass of wine (or to bore you all with) as a dull date where nothing happens is about as fun as an episode of Antiques Roadshow.

    So with that I say keep an eye out for the next article on how to look sexy on a date, some tips from a thirty-something serial dater that has tried and tested many a method to share with you (and yet is still single… not really sure how I ended up with this as an article idea).

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  • Have you ever felt lonely? The results from one of the biggest surveys on loneliness are out!

    Have you ever felt lonely? The results from one of the biggest surveys on loneliness are out!

    “The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself”. —Mark Twain

    CREDIT: bigstock-soupstock

    It’s often said that the modern world is very well connected but a lonely place. We have all these different tools for connecting us more than ever before, but it often feels like we are also further apart and alone than we ever have been before.

    Fair warned before I start, I’m going to talk about a programme on BBC Radio 4, so put your impressions of that to one side for a moment (as I get stick all the time for listening to Radio 4 as a 30 something) we have something that you will find really interesting.

    A survey of more than 55,000 people run by BBC Radio 4’s All in the Mind programme in collaboration with the Wellcome Trust has now given us some fascinating insights into loneliness.

    “16- to 24-year-olds experience loneliness more often and more intensely than other age groups”

    The “Loneliness Experiment” as it’s known, led by Developmental Psychologist Professor Pamela Qualter, was the largest survey of its kind and of the many things it revealed one of the most interesting was that 16- to 24-year-olds experience loneliness more often and more intensely than other age groups.

    The survey revealed that 40% of 16- to 24-year-olds reported feeling lonely often or very often while 29% of those aged 65 to 74 and 27% of people aged over 75 reported the same.

    In an interview given to the British Psychological Society Professor Qualter outlined why she thought young people suffered from loneliness more than others;

    “It doesn’t surprise me though that young people are lonely – they’re at a point in life where they’re trying to work out who they are and what their place is, and that’s hard. It’s a time when you’re very vulnerable to loneliness. One of the things I thought was interesting was our younger sample weren’t just higher on the frequency of loneliness, but also much higher on the intensity of loneliness. That, for me, hints at the fact that maybe this is part of a normal transition. Younger people are working out who they are in the world and are also only possibly experiencing this thing called loneliness for the first or second time. They don’t know that this doesn’t last forever and they’re also trying to develop the different skills to overcome it.”

    Hopefully, some more studies will come off the back of this, especially around the reasons why in the older generations they reported feeling less lonely. Most of us would perceive the elderly to be lonelier but it would appear not. Is that because they have learnt how to combat it or have simply learnt to live with it, therefore it’s not as intense as it is for the young and new to the sensation?

    One of the things that the survey also revealed was that LGBT people also often feel lonelier than others, but only where they feel discriminated against. If, as Professor Qualter suggests, the feeling of loneliness is linked to self-identity and belonging then this makes complete sense. If we feel that we should belong somewhere, but don’t for whatever reason, we can often feel isolated and alone.

    Free-Photos / Pixabay

    As discrimination is very much alive and well both outside and inside the LGBT community this doesn’t surprise me. One of the other results of the survey showed that people had different ways to combat loneliness, one way is to go out and meet new people (even if it’s just an interaction with the local shop assistant).

    This is also the reason why the charity initiative ‘All Together UK’, which won an Attitude Pride Award earlier this year, is vital in trying to combat that sense of loneliness in the LGBT community. It’s not been around that long as is a simple concept. Events, all around the UK, where people can come and meet people they wouldn’t normally have been exposed to, in a relaxed and supportive setting. Whether it’s this, OutdoorLads, your local LGBT charity events or even your local pub quiz night, if it’s a safe space then do consider going along either on your own and make friends or take a friend and see if you can get to know some more.

    While we will never be able to eradicate loneliness, and even the survey says that many people appreciated some ‘alone’ time, initiatives like this and many more are vital for ensuring that everyone feels included and that they are not alone.

    I do recommend listening to the podcast where they reveal the results and explore some of the themes. Loneliness affects us all at some stage and learning a bit more about what it means to be lonely and some of the different ways of coping with it might help you either now or later in life.

  • 10 things every single gay man just doesn’t want to hear

    10 things every single gay man just doesn’t want to hear

    To all the single ladies out there, a lot of what I’m about to have a moan about I’m hoping I can get an ‘amen’ for each one. And sorry all those in relationships, you’re lovely and we love you, but this is for us single girls.

    via GIPHY

    Now, if you’ve been single for a period of time certain things start to get under your skin. Most people are just being nice and some are even genuinely trying to help but in almost all cases I’d rather attend the stage performance of ‘memoirs of Nigel Farage’ than hear any more about how single I am.

    With thanks to the lovely people from twitter I’ve collated the 10 things that every single man really just doesn’t want to hear while they are single so please stop, right now, or the pixie gets it…

    1 – “why are you single?”

    via GIPHY

    I get it all the time and it drives me up the wall. I don’t know why I’m single, if I did I wouldn’t be single and I’d probably be the best love counsellor around and could make millions helping those that are single. But I’m not, therefore I could spend hours coming up with this reason or that reason why it’s dinner for one and wine for 3 most nights. Stop asking me that!!!

    2 – “your problem is you’re being too fussy!”

    via GIPHY

    To that, I simply say p**s off. My standards are actually fairly practical. They have to be alive, have at least half a brain cell, can hold a conversation, can laugh, sociable (but that isn’t a must), come with an MOT and full-service history. You are trying to find love you know, dating anyone and everyone is just a fool’s errand so this nonsense that people are ‘too picky’, for most of us is utter tosh. Stop saying it unless you genuinely believe we are being too picky because our list of demands is as long as your arm. THEN, you are too fussy.

    3 – “you’d make a lovely husband for someone”

    via GIPHY

    Thanks, just rub it in some more why don’t you… Who in their right mind thinks this is a nice thing to say to someone when they are single? Just remind me that I’m prime beef still sat on the shelf looking at all the shoppers go straight past to the value aisle. Non-single people, stop it! It’s not helpful and it’s not kind.

    4 – “someone will come along eventually”

    via GIPHY

    Well so will the number 46 bus so that isn’t really helping the situation now is it?

    5 – “ooooh I have a friend who is gay. He’s lovely. You’ll love him!”

    via GIPHY

    NO, STOP IT RIGHT NOW!! Blind dates are the work of the devil. And why is it often (but not always) straight women that do this? You can’t pair gays up like socks, just because they look sort of similar doesn’t mean they are a matching pair. That’s not how it works. I’d be interested to hear from anyone that has actually found love from a blind date arranged by a friend.  Genuinely I want to see if it works because my experience has just been car crash after car crash. (Maybe it’s me…?)

    6 – “oh it’s such a waste that you’re gay (from straight women)”

    via GIPHY

    Sorry ladies your casual homophobia is not kind, sweet or necessary. Stop saying it!

    7 – “can you hurry up and get married, we want to attend a gay wedding”

    via GIPHY

    Is that what I’m reduced to now, a source of entertainment and a reason to buy a flamboyant hat/fascinator because you want to attend a gay wedding? Well, Joan (or whatever their name is), maybe I don’t want to get married. Just because I want a boyfriend doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll get married. So ha! That’s screwed up your plans hasn’t it Joan??

    8 – “I find that if you stop looking, someone will appear”

    via GIPHY

    What is this a ritual to summon Bloody Mary? If I don’t think about dating a date will appear. When has that ever been a successful strategy for anything in life? If I don’t think about the washing up, magically it’ll get done. If I don’t think about the promotion at work, magically they will just give it to me! I get where you are coming from, but strangely enough I don’t spend every waking moment thinking about dating, I have work to do, therefore I’m already doing that and nothing has changed.

    9 – “have you tried online dating”

    via GIPHY

    Have you? Let’s be honest here the options for online dating aren’t good. Grindr is not for dating. Anyone that tries to look for dates on there is on a fool’s errand. It’s for one thing, booty calls. If someone comes off your booty call then great, but dates? No. As for the rest, well they are a little bit hit and miss. Some are good for online conversation and some just Grindr but a different app. I did, however, stumble across ‘hinge’ the other day. That’s not bad as a different kind of dating app. I would recommend. And did you know that Gaydar was still going? Who knew!

    10 – “If I was single, I’d date you”

    via GIPHY

    While this is a nice thing to say, it really doesn’t help. That’s like turning up at a friends dinner party and declaring you’ve already eaten. It’s rude and now I feel like my indoor-outdoor BBQ and finger buffet has gone to waste.

    I don’t say all this a bitter, twisted and lonely old soul (plays small violin), but I say this so that maybe, just maybe, with a little more foresight we can stop these pointless sayings and enjoy life be that single, taken, unhappily taken, polyamorous or whatever.