THEGAYUK

Author: Scott Sammons

  • COMMENT | The Extra Extra Large argument over ‘masc’ only clubs

    COMMENT | The Extra Extra Large argument over ‘masc’ only clubs

    It was reported recently that a club goer to the members club XXL in London was refused entry because they were in (what is being described as) high heels and looked ‘feminine’. They were told they had to remove their heels and dress appropriately as this was a venue that celebrates everything masculine (it was a bear club after all).

    Free-Photos / Pixabay

    It then transpires that this is actually one of many incidents of this kind and to add insult to injury the owner of XXL even decided to go on an anti-fem (amongst other things) rant on twitter (I’m not going to link to it as it doesn’t deserve the airtime).

    These recent incidents have quite rightly sparked a fresh debate about toxic masculinity on the gay scene and how ‘fem’ guys are being pushed out in favour of a more ‘masc’ (masculine) culture. In a recent article by Otamere Guobadia, they talk about anti-femme door policies at various places including quoting examples where drag queens and trans women on nights out are excluded from venues for being too feminine (or not masculine depending on your point of view).

    In response to the incidents by XXL, there is a protest against the door policy at XXL on the 23 September and even organisations like All Together UK (an LGBT social group) are boycotting the venue to ensure their members and potential don’t feel excluded from events. With the debate raging is there a danger that nobody wins in all of this?

    On the ‘masc’ side you have years of the gay community trying to get away from the stereotypical portrayal of a gay man in the media. Deliberately engaging with, what they see, as normal everyday masculine blokey stuff. Discouraging ‘camp’ behaviour, veering away from more feminine activities and hobbies towards more physical activities, the celebration of the 6 pack and chisled body etc. Has this gone too far down the masculine path? Now that concepts of ‘gender’ are more fluid than they ever have been before, is such a masculine idealism toxic to the community?

    On the ‘fem’ side you have pretty much the opposite reaction to the above. After years of being told what is masculine and to be gay, you have to be x body shape or behave in Y fashion this is the inevitable result of that. If you repress anyone for long enough they will eventually burst out and push back on the repressive ideas that held them back. This is exactly what we are seeing now and personally, I celebrate it.

    “The moment we repress one over the other is the moment everyone loses”

    My worry is that this whole argument shouldn’t be a case of masculinity is bad or femininity is bad. Both are good and bad in their own measures and are both valid ways of being in their own rights. The moment we repress one over the other is the moment everyone loses. Calling for masculine bars to be banned is wrong, just as calling for feminine bars to be banned is wrong. Both can exist so long as ones from the other can enter hassle free. That boys and girls is a diverse and inclusive environment not one over the other.

    No one should be repressed for being who they are. Masculine, Feminine, Undecided, Fluid or whatever! If we truly want to call ourselves an ‘inclusive’ society then all options should be on the table. If a fem person wants to enter XXL then so be it, just as a butch person walks into a drag show then so be it. They know what XXL is and what its brand is about, just because someone in a corset walks around doesn’t mean the ‘buff’ ‘masculine’ brand and feel of the place has changed. Last time I checked masculinity was a lot more stable than that (but I could be wrong…?).

    Personally, I have no idea what I would fit in. I wouldn’t call myself masculine as I was never really a typical ‘bloke’ in that sense. However, I wouldn’t call me particularly effeminate either but I do have my moments. Not that it matters in the grand scheme of things but I wanted to give you where I stand in all of this so maybe you can see why I see both sides of the debate here.

    Now that I know a little more about what the XXL owner is about (personally) and while their door policy remains so bullish I’ll also be boycotting the venue – there are plenty of other decent nights out in London! I don’t often boycott as it affects staff more than it does the boss but in this instance, it may just do the trick.

    However, if I now have to queue to get into the Eagle I will not be happy.

  • COMMENT | Does the Roxanne incident highlight an ugly truth amongst us?

    COMMENT | Does the Roxanne incident highlight an ugly truth amongst us?

    Should the accuser of abuse always be believed? Writer Scott looks at how Roxanne Pallett’s actions may set back victims of abuse.

    Roxanne.

    For those of you that have not been following the whole thing here is a summary of what the Roxanne incident is. And for the record, I don’t follow Big Brother, but having watched and seen all the footage on this incident, it resonated with me as it’s something that affects us all.

    Roxanne in an ‘episode’ of Celebrity Big Brother accused Ryan Thomas of punching her live on television. The accusation was repeated more than once with Roxanne stating that the action by Ryan was abusive and deliberate in nature. For those that watched the scenes and subsequent scenes, it was made clear by Roxanne that Ryan was deliberate in his actions and that it was, in essence, abuse.

    The footage captured by Big Brother showed a different version of events but the whole thing has highlighted several issues that affect the LGBT and straight communities alike. The main one, which everyone regardless of sexual orientation agrees is a big one, is that Roxanne was able to make these accusations and, without the benefit of the cameras, everyone would have believed her. Ryan would then have been condemned as a violent man (even though he was clearly innocent).

    Roxanne and Ryan.

    The phrase “there is no smoke without fire” has been bounced about and this is a direct challenge to that, typically very British attitude, as it appears there indeed can be smoke without fire. The world is not as absolute as we would like to believe it is – but that isn’t something (especially in today’s climate) that we like to hear!

    In recent years a debate has done the rounds about accuser and accused anonymisation. For those that haven’t seen this argument, this basically looks at extending the privacy protections for the accusers of abuse to the people being accused. That way there cannot be a trial by social media or the press (or even public opinion). Instead, the case goes to court and after the trial, it is decided what should be released, especially if the person is found not guilty.

    This argument hasn’t really gone anywhere as there is still a strong belief that the accuser should always be believed. Having worked with matters like this before in a previous job, it is a difficult area to agree on a final solution for. However, this incident with Roxanne has injected fresh life into that debate as it has made it very clear and very public that people can, and often do, get things wrong and this something occurred when it did not.

    Personally, I am of the belief that we all live in our own little worlds and see the world in our own way. Our reality is not someone else’s reality and versions of events often get distorted by our emotions, prejudices and internal values. Even in everyday stuff, one person said it happened like this and another person says it happened like that. This incident is a golden reminder of that and strikes at the heart of who we are and how we all live with and work with each other.

    Victims of abuse should always feel able to report what has happened and get the support they deserve but the system (and indeed the public) should be mature enough to establish the facts first and ensure a crime doesn’t end up occurring because someone has been believed completely when they were wrong.

    This also highlights the power that a simple accusation can have. As someone that has had an unsavoury accusation thrown at me in the past (which was factually proven to be false) accusations alone can destroy lives. One of the things I hope does come of all this is that people do think before making claims public BUT that also doesn’t stop genuine victims from speaking out. It will always be balanced but it must remain a balance and not too much one way or the other as then nobody wins.

    For the LGBT community, this affects us most as one of our more well-known service/charities for supporting domestic abuse victims (Broken Rainbow) closed down a few years ago. Their work was phenomenal in supporting male victims of abuse but this dedicated service is now gone and instead, we have a fragmented service across the Police, Social Care and Health. In Manchester alone, from April 2017-2018 Manchester Police recorded 775 cases of LGBT Domestic Abuse just for their force alone.

    There are, however, still a number of organisations out there aimed at the LGBT community some of which I’ve listed below;

    LGBT Domestic Abuse Partnership – https://lgbtdap.org.uk/

    Stonewall – https://www.stonewall.org.uk/help-advice/criminal-law/domestic-violence

    GALOP – http://www.galop.org.uk/domesticabuse/

    Independent Choices – http://www.domesticabusehelpline.co.uk/our-services/lgbt-service/

    This argument won’t get solved overnight but if there is one positive side to the fuss of the last couple of weeks is that this discussion is on the national debate again and hopefully people will think before acting as judge, jury and executioner when anyone is accused and we let truth be our masters, not trial by mob!

  • COMMENT | India Willoughby: Attention seeking or something more?

    So we have yet another ‘celebrity’ making noises about the world of LGBT. Except for this time, in a slight change of pace, it’s from one of our own. India Willoughby is one of the contestants (now ex) of the Celebrity Big Brother house and has caused somewhat of a stir with her comments about drag queens.

    Let me start by saying that I don’t watch Celebrity Big Brother (or Big Brother) as, for me, it has lost its way. It started off being genuine and now it’s so convoluted that I would rather watch paint dry. At least you know it is paint on a wall and not some self-interested soul out to get fame and fortune. But I digress.

    This ‘fear’ of drag queens peaked my interest however for two reasons. 1) having spent a lot of time lately learning about the experiences of the Trans community I wanted to know where this came from and 2) what possible reason could acting like a child about it possibly serve? Oh yes, fame and celebrity… silly me!

    There are people in the gay community that are ‘afraid’ of drag queens. But most of them from what I can see aren’t actually afraid of drag queens themselves, but more what they represent. The same applies for those that say they find them in bad taste (each to their own). For me, drag queens represent confidence, attention, fun and ambition. Where they go, especially the ones that perform, trouble always follows (I say trouble, what I mean is fun!) and for some people that can be too much and come across as overbearing. We all have our demons and for some, the thought of being a stage drag queens ‘victim’ is just too much.

    But what happens when that inner demon actually becomes or is something else?

    I’m not a transexual nor have I had any urges to change gender so I can’t put myself in India’s position. But what I can do, is see how her community reacts to her and how her actions make me feel as a member of her wider community.

    In a recent interview on Celebrity Big Brother‘s bit on the side, Paris Lees outlined how some of where India was coming from resonated with her own previous experiences.

    “We went to see the Thai ladyboys, and it was essentially these transgender women dancing about on-stage, and I felt so uncomfortable. It was like, guys, we were on the beach yesterday if you wanted to see a transgender woman dancing around in a bikini.”

    In the various points, Paris raised the two that stood out where that Drag Queens are often seen by most people as Transexual when they are not (namely because there is still a lack of education out there) and India’s transition is still fairly recent therefore such fears may well be bringing up issues yet unresolved.

    I’ve not watched India in precise detail but surely regardless of cause this outburst (and then going to stand by her actions) just makes her another Caitlyn Jenner?

    Is this also a good time to also mention the recent images of her that have appeared with her tweeting about having fun with at least two drag queens (with pictures)? So while I’m willing to believe there are some deep rooted issues there, the fuss and nonsense coming from her to turn everything into an attack on her is nothing short of over the top and will only do more harm to her and the trans community than good.

    As an openly gay man, in order for me to appreciate what it means to be a gay man in today’s world, I have to understand my heritage. Understand what it must have been like to live in fear of going to jail, being killed or getting HIV. The same applies to any members of the LGBT+ community, including India and her trans heritage and family.

    While friends to LGBT+ people are slowing growing they still aren’t huge in number and many of us still face violence, death and isolation. So if we can’t learn to get along with each other then how on earth can we expect non LGBT+ people to?

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • Body shaming: Do you even know what it is?

    Recently you may have seen me talking more and more about the culture of body shaming in the media and the wider gay community.

    Are a hairless body and a six pack the route to happiness?

    I started talking about it because I have suffered from body confidence issues and these have started to affect my personality. We all get our confidence (large or small amounts) from somewhere and mine have definitely been harder to muster since I started comparing my own body shape to that of the ‘picture perfect’ man. Some of the engagement I have had with people has been quite useful and has led me to some conclusions.

    Firstly, there is a lot of confusion out there as to what exactly ‘body shaming’ is and what harm it can bring. And secondly a surprisingly high number people I’ve seen will state one moment they are against it, but the next moment share content they have just said they were against. Both seem to stem from that lack of understanding as to what exactly body shaming is and how it can fuel negative thoughts in people, like those associated with body dysmorphia. I, therefore, wanted to share some of my own personal thoughts and experiences on this and encourage you to find out exactly what body shaming is and how it could be negatively influencing you without you even realising it.

    I’ll start by saying that if you are perfectly happy in your body shape, regardless of what this might be, then most of this will pass you by. And this is by no means saying what you are doing and how you live your life is wrong, far from it. If you have found body confidence regardless of your body shape then treasure it. I for one will never try to take that from you as I know how precious that can be.

    However, put simply, body shaming is the promotion (usually in the media but not always) of one particular body shape over another by saying that you can only really be happy, content and ‘a good gay’ if you are toned, slim, hairless and what is otherwise referred to as ‘body perfect’. If you speak to most experienced health professionals they will tell you there is no ‘perfect’ body shape but there are ideals based on your health, exact body makeup and metabolism. Everyone is different, with different capabilities, biologies, restrictions and environments to say a six pack is the best thing for every living soul is ludicrous.

    Can we ever be truly comfortable in our own skin?

    Therefore, if you are someone (a young teenager for example) that often gets their ‘injection’ of gay life from the media and all you are told is how wonderful the body beautiful people are you are going to naturally compare yourself to them and automatically feel bad that you are not one of them. That is basic human psychology that we all do in one form or another. If someone has something that I believe I want, I will compare it to what I have and judge the gap.

    Many of us spot this and have taught ourselves to either not accept that this is what we want or we have come to believe that a six pack is not the ideal body shape. Therefore, when we see these articles we just dismiss them. But if you are someone with strong body confidence issues to the point of body dysmorphia, these messages just add fuel to the fire.

    One gay magazine which I can’t really name, did a survey this year on body confidence and of those who responded 84% said that they felt under intense pressure to have a ‘perfect body’. There was a really good article by Nick Arnold from BBC3 on “How being a gay man can make your body issues worse”. I recommend reading!

    But is the ‘gay media’ solely to blame for it, or are we as a community also responsible? We’ve all done it, I will be one of the first people to go and buy a magazine if it has a half-naked Harry Judd on it. But that is just me adding fuel to the flame as that purchase adds to the value of what is traditionally called “sex sells”. Fact is we, currently, just don’t rush out to buy magazines that have articles on things that remind us of ourselves. Instead, we buy and promote these ‘dream boys’ and dribble over them.

    I’m not saying we need fewer images of Harry Judd (good heavens no) but what I am saying is that in order for people to find their body confidence we do need to expose ourselves to a wider range of body shapes and change our language from ‘happiness = six pack’ to ‘happiness = comfortable in your own skin’. I recently put a picture of my own body out on my twitter (against the wishes of my body confidence inner voice) in order to educate myself and others about this issue. I am not an ‘ideal body shape’ as mentioned above, I carry extra weight, things wobble that probably shouldn’t and the chest hair is currently in need of local council attention. But I did it, and I received some amazing feedback both positive, and indeed some negative.

    My advice to you if you are suffering from any form of body dysmorphia or lack of body confidence is to speak to someone about it and remember that the voice in your head is not the leading authority on everything. You can be wrong, so maybe the voice is wrong about this too.

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • How not to make a good impression on your first date

    I’ve been on a few dates in my time (with a few more to come I suspect) and the more you go on the more you learn about dating and what a bloody minefield it can be. Don’t get me wrong I’ve had some fantastic dates and met some fantastic people. I was taken up the Shard for one of them (one of the better ones, and no pun intended) but my god have I also had some bloody awful ones.

    Do you remember a couple of years ago I reviewed the speed dating event “28 gays later”? Well, when I went back (after a 2-year relationship in-between) I took a friend with me and he did everything right and I did everything wrong. He is now with the guy he met that night about to move in together, and I still have my wine and I can’t even have a cat as I rent.

    Picture the scene, it’s a cold and wet February evening, I am currently in London Bridge running late from meeting a client and I need to get to Old Street for the speed dating event sharpish. As usual, the tube is being a pain so for part of the journey I am stuffy and hot on a packed tube train and the other half I am cold and wet in the horrible winter weather running from station to bar. By the time I turn up at the venue I look like a drowned and beaten rat that not even a mother could love let alone 26 random strangers (27 minus my friend). I was not feeling it that night but not wanting to let my friend down I rolled with it, put on a brave face and greeted 26 gay men for 3-4 minutes each with the usual “hi, I’m Scott, I do X and I’m from Y. What a horrible evening it is. And who might you be?”.

    On reflection, I looked like I didn’t want to be there and that most definitely came across. An injection of humour on my part wasn’t really helping and I allowed my facial expressions to come through when certain men were, shall we say, rather interesting. When the cards came through at the end of the evening of who had chosen who I expected to get very few and low and behold I got very few. I did, however, get the incredibly camp sailor fashion man. He wasn’t for me as I sense he is still trying to find himself but none the less a tick in the box is a tick in the box, right? (I appreciate I am scraping the proverbial barrel here).

    That night I learnt a valuable lesson about dating and that impressions and attitude is everything. If your head isn’t in the game, get out of the game.  I’ve also learnt the hard way that lads, there are certain things that you should also not do on a date if you want to win the other person over.

    To me, a date is an opportunity to sell yourself, see what the other person is selling and see if there is a connection there that is worth exploring. If, for example, you rock up late, have already eaten even though it’s a dinner date, spend 20 minutes talking to your waiter friend then treat the person to a cheap dinner 3 hours later, I think you can safely say that the other person won’t feel any sense of romance. And yes, I was the poor sap that starved for 3 hours thinking we were going for dinner when apparently, we weren’t. Luckily, I was fed cocktails, for which I was eternally grateful as it dulled the pain. We joke about it now but afterwards, I made it very clear dates = romance and that date lacked anything that remotely resembles romance.

    A question that always seems to come up on dates is the question about ‘the ex’. And it can come up very easily. A throwaway question like ‘so how comes a handsome man like you is single’ can very easily lead into a dilemma of what to say about the ex (if anything at all). If this happens to you, don’t see this as an opportunity to wave the ‘my ex is a twat banner’ and get on your soapbox. Yes, this poor soul has not heard your war story before but on the early dates is not the place for war stories really. If I see that ex-banner or soap box coming out you will get shut down. We all have baggage, but no one wants to hear about your war wounds on the first date, maybe on future dates with wine and a good old-fashioned bitching session. But not date number one guys, it’s not pretty.

    Another thing to avoid is the “I don’t know’ response. Even before the date has been confirmed, responding to someone’s question about where you may want to go with an ‘I don’t know’ is one of the most off-putting things going. If you are indecisive that’s absolutely fine, but say that or at least convey what you are not in the mood for. That ‘meh’ sort of response just gives the impression you couldn’t care less, which for the nervous of you out there, simply isn’t true. Do pluck up the courage to give the soul you are with a little rope that they can work with. He wants to impress you so he needs something to work with!

    They say first impressions are over rated, and to these people, I say phooey. First impressions are everything. If you’ve turned up to a nice dinner date in a nice restaurant wearing your best and the other person appears to have made no effort at all, that’s an instant alarm bell. It’s a date for Christ sake, make an effort! It’s not tea at your mum’s, or a dirty burger at 1 AM, it’s meant to be ‘an occasion’. Something to remember and tell the family about. Or am I over complicating it? Well maybe I am, but if you want something that lasts and actually means something, then why not expect decent standards? Since when was that a bad thing? The key is to ensure you tell your date this. Make it clear in your charming way that it is a nice dinner and a nice evening. If they don’t get the hint after that then well at least you tried.

    So, some parting advice for you gentlemen. And I do say this with the appreciation that I am currently very much single so cannot say these strategies have bagged me “the one”. When going on a date make sure you have;

    • Brushed your teeth or at least got a mint to hand

    • Are prepared for it and ready to listen and ask questions

    • Dressed appropriately

    • Are in a flexible mind, so if you do turn up stuffy and wet you can turn it into a conversation point and maybe add a little humour

    • Have some standard questions in your mind. There is nothing wrong with playing 20 questions, just make sure it flows and works with the conversation

    • Put the past out of your mind, it’s your date, not your ex’s

    • Have everything with you, including your wallet!

    • Remember your manners, even if there is no connection there you were brought up to be polite and enjoy company

    And remember, if all else fails, have a strong cocktail and say “fcuk it, it’s something to tell my friends when I get home” (and it beats at indoors, watching Corrie).

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • Drag Race Allstars 3, who could they be?

    Series 9 has now ended and I feel a hole in my gayness that needs filling (I genuinely didn’t intend to put a pun there, but I spotted it and decided to leave it in). Oh, the puns!

    It is widely expected that All Stars 3 is coming (not soon enough!) and fans are already talking about who could return. We already know that Willem is out (she said so herself via a post on Tumblr which was subsequently removed, oh the intrigue) so who do you want to see in the new all-stars? Here is my ideal lineup;

    BenDeLaCreme (Season 6)

    I liked Ms de le Creme, especially her Maggie Smith. She slayed the runway on a number of occasions and I think she would put up a good fight.

    Adore Delano (Season 6 & All Stars 2) 

    Now I wasn’t sure about this one as I didn’t agree with her decision to leave AS2. I could also see that she majorly went wrong in life. So I’m torn. I’d love the old Adore back, a little older a little more experienced I reckon she could easily get through to the final again.

    Courtney Act (Season 6) 

    Simply because I like nice boys to look at.

    Laganja Estranja  (Season 6)

    RuPaul’s drag race wouldn’t be the same without a shady queen to spice things up a little. And with this mix, it would get nice n spicy.

    Bianca Del Rio (Season 6 Winner)

     

     

    I’d bet money on her to win again. But these girls would give her a run for her money.

    Sharon Needles (Season 4 Winner)

    A little bit of the extraordinary is always a good thing.

    Latrice Royale (Season 4 / All Stars 1)

    This lady is my spiritual mother. The shade, the alcoholic pink lemonade and all that sass baby.

    Morgan McMichaels (Season 2)

    Another pretty one, and hopefully this time round she has some more tricks up her sleeve (if not it’ll just be fun to watch).

    Bebe Zahara Benet (Season 1 Winner)

    The first ever winner, remember her? She mastered it with low budget challenges and even worse prizes. I say give her a crack at some Series 9 level realness.

    Trixie Mattel (Season 7)

    Again the viewing value is worth its weight in pink lemonade. I doubt she would get through to the final but it would be one hell of a show.

    Chi Chi De Vayne (Season 8)

    She came 4th, that’s some serious ability (and I think she’s a dark horse, so it’ll make for good telly!).

    Kennedy Davenport (Season 7)

    Another girl that came 4th just missing the final post. She had some killer looks for the runway and again, she’d give the girls a run for their money.

    Milk (Season 6)

    I threw Milk into the mix because, well, I’m a little drunk. I wanted someone that didn’t do that well on their season (her Julia Child was just awful in Snatch Game) and that, given some time and gin, could come back and not fcuk it up.

     

    What do you think? Is that lineup shady enough do we think? Who would you like to see in the next All Stars series?

    There is currently no fixed date for an announcement on All Stars 3 we can likely expect something soon. A life without RuPaul’s Drag Race in it is a very bland one indeed. Watch this space!

  • Do you know what a “Scally” is? Are you one?

    Here at THEGAYUK towers, among many important life and death gay related topics we discuss, it came out that one of our numbers didn’t know what the term scally was (they claim to be innocent, but I’m suspicious).

    What is a scally lad?

    So in my hunt for a decent explanation (other than just saying google it or search porn sites for it) I found that it was in the dictionary!! I did laugh at this…

    (in the North-West of England, especially Liverpool) a roguish self-assured young person, typically a man, who is boisterous, disruptive or irresponsible.

    I won’t even begin to tell you what Urban Dictionary one as and although the word is in the dictionary you only really ever see the term in gay porn (I couldn’t find any straight porn with it in).  “Gay scally gets f**ked in the changing rooms” and that sort of thing (I can assure you this was all for journalistic and research purposes).

    Does anyone remember the character of Carl Gallagher from the Channel 4 series Shameless? Basically, a scally is him. That look, that attitude, that general body shape and that fashion. You may have liked the scally look and never even noticed it. I’m glad that I can put a ‘thing’ on my mild fantasies over Carl from Shameless. Oh, the things you could do with him… ahem.

    So it got me thinking (again, some series and thought provoking stuff), are there other terms for things in the gay world that we have may have heard of but haven’t a clue what they actually are? Now as you know I’m sweet innocent little old me, so I went off with an innocent little spring in my step to do a little research. And boy what a rabbit hole I seem to have fallen down. Have you heard of any of these?

    Otter – a younger gay man with body hair with a slim body shape (that’s totally me once I’ve gotten back down the gym, said while eating sweets).
    Bear – an older gay man with (and without) body hair with a larger body shape (that’s me if I don’t back down the gym anytime soon, and yes I’m making this about me).
    Cub – a  younger gay man with (and without) hair with a larger body shape.
    Pup – a man (or woman) who, in behaviour and dress, takes on the role of a dog or puppy.
    Wolf – an older gay man with body hair with a slim body shape.
    Twink / Chicken – a young slim guy with no body hair.
    Chicken Hawk* – an older guy that ‘preys’ on Chickens / Twink.
    Snowball – to spit cum into the mouth of another.
    Daddy – an older man (or anyone over 30 according to 18-23 year-olds on Grindr).
    Gimp – a man (or woman) that has all limbs and sense restricted (can be in rubber, leather etc).

    Now, most of these I’d heard of in one form or another (I know, shocking right?). But there seems to be more and more appearing all the time.  It is almost like the more people campaign against ‘labels’ the more labels people seem to create. Others I’ve found include furries, kittens, alphas, pigs, switches etc. I could go into each detail for each one but that’s quite enough excitement for one day boys and girls.

    If someone was to call you one of these, how would you feel? I know it annoys the hell out of me when some 20 something calls me daddy on Grindr. I’m 30!! The cheek of it.

    But if someone calls you a twink, or even an otter, is that a good thing? Is it something to embrace and say “balls to it, if I’m going to be a bear I’m going to be a bear” (as an example)? I know we often don’t like labels, but are these ones just harmless fun in different communities? I say yes!

    So whatever you may or may not be (or even what you want to be), enjoy it; live it; and have fun.

    Now I’m off to do some more “research”…

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COMMENT | So… when it comes to gay sex, are you top, middle or bottom?

    Top, Bottom or Versatile: Are tops lazy, do versatile guys have more fun and what is bottom shaming?

    Gay Couple
    CREDIT ©-dnf-style-Depositphotos

    So recently I have been asking a series of questions ‘for a friend’ about anal sex and being a top, bottom or versatile.

    For those that may no know, a top is someone that inserts their penis into another man’s butt, a bottom is someone who has another man’s penis inserted into his butt and a versatile, as you can imagine, does both.

    I’ve always been a top but I have experimented being a bottom in the past. But before we go on can I just have a moan to tops out there. YOU WILL NOT BE THE ONE TO CONVERT ME. The number of times a top responds with “well I’ll do it with you and I’ll do it right” when I say I’ve tried and didn’t like it. Every top seems to think they are god’s gift to bottoming and I’m sorry boys but you are not. No one knows my butt better than I and believe you me, if it’s not going in, it’s not going in (protest all you like).

    Now, where was I? Ah yes, are all tops lazy? Do versatile guys have more fun? Why do bottoms bottom?

    Before I begin may I just say that this is in no way scientific. This is just a social media poll, on a whim, usually while bored on the train to London. I asked Twitter a series of questions and mine and THEGAYUK’s followers were kind enough to respond. In the first question, 88 people responded to the question ‘Why are you a top?’

    Of those 88, 41% said it was because they liked a sense of dominance it gives them, 25% simply found bottoming too painful, 20% were fearful of an accident and 14% just saw bottoming as too much effort.

    A little bit of a mixed bag there but 45% highlight issues with going down there (pain/potential for the mess). A couple of guys even messaged me directly sharing that concern about accidents down there and even just a lack of wiring for it. And I have to admit as a top I share some of that concern. Who teaches someone how to bottom successfully? Is there a class on how to douche? Certainly, no one has ever shown me so you either google it, use your imagination or go on what friends tell you (for douching at least). That be why, as a top, myself and a few of the other guys that responded, all shared a sense of patience and understanding for bottoms (especially if an ‘accident’ was to occur).

    ALSO READ: I’m thinking about bottoming for the first time, how can I make sure I’m clean?

    As for how to bottom, everyone’s advice is just to grin and go with it. But what does that actually mean? So, again on my way into work one day, I decided to follow that up by asking twitter the question “why are you a bottom?”

    69 people replied and 54% said it was because it felt good, followed by 30% saying that they enjoyed a feeling of submission (and 14% said size concerns (too small) and 2% thought it was expected of them).

    54% said that it felt good.

    54%! As a top that has only every gotten pain from the whole experience (even after various methods) you do start to wonder if you’ve been wired incorrectly. I’ve seen partner’s eyes roll over in pleasure and that just baffles me. You clearly have something that I (and indeed 88 others) simply do not have.

    Now for others that it also baffles they seem to get jealous and a little nasty about it.

    ALSO READ: 13 myths about gay sex

    And this is where bottom shaming comes it. Almost turning the term ‘power bottom’ into a negative thing that the person should be ashamed of. Well to those people I say bugger off. As a top that knows how painful it is, if you can get pleasure from that then you crack on my sweet and be proud. I’m mildly jealous and will give you my number.

    ;o)

    We cannot all be blessed with the ‘g-spot’ it seems, and maybe that’s a good thing for world balance? If were all bottoms how would we get anything done?

    But then that brings me to my next question that I decided to inflict on the good people of twitter. I asked people “do versatile guys have more fun?”

    145 people came back to me on that one (so clearly they do). The majority 69% (teehee) said that yes they did.

    And you can see the appeal. You can insert and be inserted into and get pleasure from both. It adds variety and spice to your sex life and means you can experience a wider range of feelings.

    As for me, my mind is very much in the versatile space. In my head, I like the thought of a nice rogering as much as the next man but in reality, it just doesn’t happen. To tops (and indeed bottoms) out there that connect with this feeling in any way, I would say don’t feel like you need to be both. Enjoy what you enjoy and experiment if and when you want to experiment. Sex has always got to feel right and comfortable for you. If it
    doesn’t don’t do it.

  • The five types of person we become after a month on a gay dating app

    The five types of person we become after a month on a gay dating app

    Dating apps taboos: the other side of the coin

    gay dating apps
    ©-Maridav-Depositphotos

    If, like me, you’ve been single for more than 1 month of your life then you have, at some point, used online dating apps (or a website). You would have definitely experienced at least one of the following;

     

    • Catfish (people using other people’s pictures deliberately to be someone they are not).
    • A Dorian Grey (someone who ages in real life but doesn’t seem to online until their online picture is wildly different).
    • Time wasters (all chat and no trousers (sometimes literally))
    • Hot ’n’ colders (interested one day then cold the next)
    • Droughts (weeks if not months of nothing)

     

    To name just a few!

    Now these are all very annoying but generally go with the territory, But, why do they? I was sat chatting to a group of friends and were talking about in one form or another we had been one of these things. So, does that mean that we are all one of these at some point?

    All of us in the group said that we had never been a catfish BUT had considered it. And you can see why there is a certain appeal, especially if there is a really really hot guy that does not have you on their radar. You’d never do it, but the mind does fantasise about pretending to be someone equally as fit and flirting with them. No? Just me? Oh, well pours another gin.

    What about a Dorian Grey? This is something I believe I’ve named myself (and a quick search online didn’t seem to find anything). I’ve noticed that as gay men approach key milestones they tend to fog the lines around a set age. I’ve seen a few friends do it, they extend being 30/31 (or even in their 20s) when in fact they are a little older than that. And we all do it. I’ve recently turned 30 and while I proudly put my age on my profile I did often refer to myself as a late 20s guy (more for a joke but nothing is ever done without meaning). At least half of the friends in the group admitted to doing it, having done it in the past or were considering it.

    ALSO READ: Ten things gay men love to hate about dating apps.

    Time wasters are the most common and the easiest for ‘your average guy’ to fall in to. Picture it, you’re all set for a ‘meet’ but as the day approaches things come up, stuff happens, and suddenly it’s 19:30 on a Friday night and the prospect of going out just seems a mission. So, they get a politely worded “sorry I can’t make it’, I’ve got this thing’ or ‘I forgot I had to do X’. We’ve all done it at some point and don’t you dare try and claim that you haven’t!

    Now hot n colders are definitely people we have all been and they are very literally people that blow hot and cold. A flurry of interest one day then naff all the next. I know that I do this. But not always through choice, sometimes life just takes over and responding to that text works its way down the list of things to do. There, in most cases, isn’t any malice in it but as the person on the other side waiting for that text the only way to really take a lack of response is badly. It is a sure-fire way of harming your ‘dating chances’ and yes you can argue that maybe you shouldn’t be online if you can’t handle online but when has anything ever been that simple?

    ALSO READ: 12 mistakes gay guys are making on their dating profiles.

    Finally, droughts aren’t something you can be but they can push a person in need into being one of the above. No ‘booty’ equals a horny moment, an approach to a fellow app user for a ‘meet’ which then loses its appeal after a ‘self-release’. Hence, time waster. Droughts come to us all and they can have the ability to make us to things that we wouldn’t consider doing. I do have a story about a guy that didn’t get any action for 4 weeks, but that’s for another time.

    So, while I don’t look to excuse or validate such things, as they are annoying, instead aren’t we all guilty of being one of these at one point or another? Maybe with a little more acceptance of that when it does happen we can just accept it as a fact of life and move on. If ‘online behaviour’ really is an extension of ‘physical behaviour’ then just as we do silly things when nervous in real life maybe, we do silly things in our electronic one.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | Emotional baggage is just a valuable quirk you’ve not discovered yet

    Damaged Goods or just quirky? In this article, I’d like to look at the concept of “damaged goods” and what we think that means.

    We’ve all heard of the term and most of us in one form or another believe we have baggage of some kind that we carry from one person to another. In recent years, I have seen examples of people that have carried around that the belief that in one form or another they are ‘damaged goods’. Their damage comes in all shapes and sizes, some of it small and ‘quirky’ and some of it far larger and core to who they believe they are.

    But we can’t really talk about ‘goods’ without talking about baggage. Now we all have baggage in one for another. Experiences, both good and bad, have formed the person we are today and how we respond to different situations. To every relationship (romantic, business, family or friend) you will always bring with you those good and bad bags.

    Good bags could be things like a sense of right and wrong, being a hard worker, kindness, care and attention or even an ability to listen. But what are some of the ‘not so good’ bags? Is there such a thing?

    Examples of the ‘less that constructive’ emotional bags that people carry could be things like an inability to easily trust, a need for reassurance, over-reaction, inflexibility, selfishness or even a short fuse. All are examples of behaviours that when expressed lead to confusion, miscommunication and negative emotions.

    A study conducted in 2014 and published in the Independent newspaper seemed to imply that gay relationships are more likely to be happy and content. But how can this be so? We all carry baggage in one form or another. We have all been bullied or oppressed in one form or another and the negative behaviours those experiences leave are powerful. I’ve seen relationships end due to ghosts of past horrors and indeed scars that have not healed in quite the way they should have.

    On the flip side, because most of us have seen trouble in our lives does that mean we actively seek and protect what is more precious to us? That we learn from these experiences and seek out things that make us happy, together as a couple and not just as a sole survivor of life?

    But if that’s true then why early this year in August 2016 was it shown that depression and low self-esteem was on the rise amongst gay men? If gay men don’t see themselves as worthy that belief will trickle into their relationships and their workings of that relationship. What becomes a little issue to one becomes a massive issue to another, purely because of the value we place on that issue. But everyone’s values are different so how can you possibly hope to know what it means 100% of the time? To a boy selling his cow at the Market a bean is a symbol of hope, but to the seller of the bean it is just a bean.

    Having been there with depression I’d freely admit that I carry my own baggage (both constructive and non-constructive) and can see the situations that they can get you in. It’s taken me a good couple of years to accept and examine those goods and even now I admit that there could be more in my cargo hold that I’ve not seen yet.

    The only piece of advice I can give anyone is to remember that we only see with our own eyes and we cannot see everything. As human beings, we cannot know everything and we cannot know what someone is thinking. The truth of the world is always changing depending on where you are standing, therefore keep moving. Look for another angle and you’ll get as close to a truth as you can, and you’d be surprised how often those ‘damaged goods’ are actually quirks that could be quite valuable.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COLUMN | Gay fashion… Trying too hard or Too hard to Try?

    Fashion & the modern man: Working hard or hardly working?

    Let me start by saying that until about 4 years ago my dress sense was at best, questionable. So what I say now is everything I’ve learnt from then and from my modern day dress sense (which I’m informed I do have some dress sense – hurrah!).

    We are told via various media that we need to be fashionable. Buy this season’s trends, keep up with the ‘new black’ and only buy labels that mean something. But is this high of fashionista hard to achieve? Well to those on the outside looking in, like me once upon a time, yes it probably is. Such high fashion seems an expensive waste of money when there are far more practical things you could be spending your money on. (For example, Gin…!).

    But perhaps you can have your gin and drink it! (See what I did there?).

    I recently frequented a trip to a local ‘cheap’ fashion retailer and went to see if they had a new suit (I had an interview, it didn’t go well, but that’s another story). I ended up wandering around their men’s section just having a peruse of what I could find. I ended up buying a few things that I didn’t expect.

    So right now as I type this very column entry I am wearing one of these said purchases. My outfit consists of Black jeans, White Adidas trainers, a white t-shirt and a light grey ‘mandigan’ (male cardigan). All day I’ve had compliments on how great my outfit looks. Personally, I thought I was slumming it but apparently not.

    Now that either means that my normal standard of dress for the office is so bad that people spot when I actually get it right (a possibility) or actually it was exceptionally good and worked very well for ‘dress down Friday’ in the office.

    Now in total, including the trainers, I’d say this outfit cost less than £30 (and yes I bought the Adidas in the sale – I do loves me a bargain) so it is possible to get an outfit that is ‘socially on point’ for under £50.

    So while yes the lovely branded stuff is fabulous (and I’ll always buy stuff immediately after watching Devil Wears Prada) actually achieving a fashionable look without breaking the bank is indeed possible.

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.