THEGAYUK

Category: Comment

  • Why is Matt Barber focusing on anal sex and not Christian values?

    Some people just can’t let it go. Is Matt Barber is one of them? Forget what we’re doing with our bodies and concentrate on what you’re doing with your mind.

    Last year the author, lawyer and ex-pro boxer, Matt Barber, used a column in WND to tell gay teens that they were just a ‘means to an end’.

    Today he takes to the same publication to focus on ‘How The “Gay” Jihad Normalized A Filthy Practice’, and he definitely seems to know a lot about those gay ‘practices’.

    What an odd thought, such a mix of ideologies, but well done on mixing a Muslim war against unbelievers and gay people (and their allies) who are merely asking the government for equality.

    Within his article Barber calls homosexuals ‘pagan sexual jihadists’ and laments the poor Christian business owners who are ‘facing harsh government persecution for merely living out their faith.’

    Ah, it’s the Christian business owners that are facing persecution; we won’t mention at this point, Crusades, Inquisitions, ‘gay cure’ therapies or what women can or can’t do with their bodies all in the name of beliefs and faiths.

    Forgive me, I thought it was the ‘homosexualists’ who faced daily persecution and inequality around the world, but clearly I was wrong. I checked the same dictionary; homosexualist isn’t actually a word.

    Throughout Barber’s incoherent ramblings within the article, he arrives, I assume, to the crux of his issues. Anal.

    I have to ask why does he care?

    How does he know so much about the intimate acts between gay men?

    And, why just focus on gay men? Aren’t lesbians part of your rampage against the ‘homosexualists’?

    I’d like to take a moment to inform Barber and the rest of his audience, which he insists of ill informing, that not all gay men partake in anal sex.

    Some do, but so do some heterosexuals. In fact if you add up the number of straight people having butt sex and the entire homosexual community that do it, you’ll probably find that proportionally straights are having it more often than the gays and good for them. After all it’s their body.

    There are of course, the biological facts to look at here; but since Barber seems to know so much about sodomy, I’m guessing I don’t have to explain. We’ll ignore the fact that the male G-spot is placed inside his body, we’ll forget the fact that the anus is conveniently placed in a position that makes anal sex just as easy and accessible as vaginal intercourse. We’ll also forget the fact that women also enjoy anal intercourse too, and that not all sexual contact between heterosexuals has to end in conception.

    Barber’s references to the millions of homosexual men wasting away in hospices, and how the gay press has hidden them away, are just erroneous.

    The struggles that gay men faced during the 80s and 90s are still very much at the forefront of the gay media today, and continue to be the subject of many films, books and health campaigns by health services world over.

    Barber would be wise to check facts here, perhaps cast his eyes to the real statistics surrounding people living with HIV and AIDS. This just reinforces negativity toward the gay community from those who are far too uneducated on the matter.

    It’s articles like this one that perpetuate the issues that gay people face, but thankfully if one looks at the latest polls and trends on what society thinks on the matter of same-sex marriage, people like Matt Barber look more and more ridiculous as they position themselves on the wrong side of public opinion.

    Stop thinking about what the gay community does or doesn’t do in its bedrooms and start focussing on real Christian values of compassion and equality.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COLUMN | North and South

    It’s almost one year since I moved to London from the Midlands and it’s been an interesting experience.

    My friends fell into two camps. They were either horrified that I could think of moving to such a place, visualising that I’d be living in a minute flat somewhere akin to Piccadilly Circus and spending my days shouldering rude and unfriendly people out of my way, lonely and afraid and paying ten pounds for a latte. The other camp was more excited and saw it as a huge opportunity.

    Maybe both were right. It has been the most exciting opportunity but my elbows are definitely sharper and keener to shove. The chances to see art and culture are amazing and I tend to wear myself out trying to see too much. I’ve had to give myself a stern talking to after periods where I’ve been doing so much that I’ve been left feeling frazzled.

    I live in a place no busier or madder than where I lived before and the coffee is the same price. Maybe my rent is a little higher (3 times higher and the increased wages don’t cover this) but it feels worth it and I have plenty of room and lots of leafy green spaces nearby. As for the unfriendliness: people here are just as friendly as in the North. People talk to me at bus stops and checkouts and are happy to engage and connect. The place I work is full of people who are warm and kind. People on public transport are no less rude than further north (i.e. still quite rude). Maybe the tube is less friendly, but who can blame that population. They’re crammed into packed carriages underground trying hard to get somewhere: wouldn’t you be a little bit determined with no energy left to chat or smile?

    Statistics show a huge North/South divide in terms of money and employment and rates of immigration that falls into pockets depending on area. Personally, I hate lazy stereotyping. People are people wherever you live. Yes, those London accents are sometimes tricky to understand and they do get irate when I call them all Cockneys. Yes, jellied eels will never replace chips and gravy in my heart but I bloody love London and I also bloody love my hometown too. Long live mobility.

  • OPINION | Our Gay Wedding: The Musical – A Cringey Cliché Too Far?

    OMG… OMG! From the first utterance of those words at the beginning of Our Gay Wedding: The Musical, I knew that it was going to be just as awful as I was expecting it to be. Featuring the marriage of Ben and Nathan, I feared that showing something like this on television would reinforce stereotypes and not do our cause any good. Sadly I feel I have been proven correct.

    It’s the reinforcement of stereotypes that is my biggest bug bear with the show. For so long there has been a struggle for acceptance, both socially and legally. Barriers have been broken down through those struggles. We have gone from being considered illegal to now being able to marry. There are now more positive and realistic representations of gay people in the public eye instead of the usual camp clichés of yesteryear and that has gone some way in changing the public’s perception of homosexuals. I see that as a massive step in the right direction.

    I recently wrote about the battle for social equality now that we pretty much have full legal equality. I feel that battle is not going to be won with shows like this taking place. All this wedding will do is show gay people to be fabulous, camp stereotypes. That really isn’t the case. We are not all fabulous and most of us are not that camp.

    While I will always defend someone’s right to live in the way they choose, I have to question why Ben and Nathan chose to conduct their wedding in this way. I would be interested to know whether they considered the bigger picture and how it could lead to gay people being perceived in a negative way.

    My opinion is that Our Gay Wedding: The Musical has done us no favours whatsoever, but part of me also has to admire Ben and Nathan. A lot of hard work and effort clearly went into the show. To write, produce and co-ordinate something like this would take meticulous planning and I can only applaud the happy couple on that front. I also thought it was a good call to have a section on gay history and the journey to where we are now. However, despite those positives, the show really wasn’t my thing. It made me cringe. I’m already receiving messages from straight people I know saying how fabulous it was and how the now married couple are so cute, as if objects rather than people.

    I do wish Ben and Nathan all the happiness in the world, though. In the same way that I wish every gay couple getting married all the happiness they deserve. As the happy couple put it themselves, love is everyone. It’s a sentiment I entirely agree with.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION: Cure Me I’m Gay – A Reflection

    Channel Four aired “Cure me, I’m gay” in which Dr Christian Jessen went undercover to see what gay conversion therapies are offered.

    Over the course of the programme we saw him vomiting over himself, using self-help techniques, attend an exorcism and colour in a brain with wax crayons to show where his same sex desires lay. Predictably the explanations offered were around that all gay men have a distant father or were abused as a child. By the end of the programme, the good doctor retook a test to see where his sexual attraction was. He was still 100% gay.

    Conversion therapy has been around in many forms and for as long as therapy itself. Previously electro shock therapy and aversion therapy were the most well-known forms. It speaks volumes that the American Psychiatric Association, UK council for psychotherapy and the BACP have all spoken out against the so called “reparative” therapies in the past.

    In 2012 the British association of Counsellors and psychotherapist’s chose to write directly to its members to advise that it now opposes ‘any psychological treatment such as ‘reparative’ or ‘conversion’ therapy which are based upon the assumption that homosexuality is a mental disorder, or based on the premise that the client/patient should change his/her sexuality.’

    As this is the largest professional body of psychotherapists it was an important move and showed that as an industry, therapists were opposed to any kind of therapy that does not respect and support sexual orientation.

    In the past there have been some pretty horrific examples of conversion therapy:

    • In 2012, GP Marc Craddock, a doctor in Sydney Australia was struck off for prescribing a chemical castration drug for use as a gay cure to an 18 year old man.
    • In 2012, Lesley Pilkington, a Christian psychotherapist appealed against a BACP ruling that she was negligent for offering to change a client’s sexuality.
    • Dr Paul Miller would encourage clients to become sexually aroused in therapy sessions and believed that all homosexuality stemmed from the lack of a father figure. He previously ran the Abeo umbrella organisation for therapists looking to practise gay conversion therapy
    • During an undercover investigation back in 2010 for the Independent, reporter Patrick Studwick was told that it was “very Likely” that he had been abused as child and this had caused his homosexuality, oh and AIDS can be cured by prayer.
    These are the types of people that say that I’m mentally ill or under a prolonged psychosis.

    I think it is worth revisiting Freud at this point. Sigmund Freud is of course the founding father of psychiatry. In 1935, a mother wrote to him asking him to cure her son’s sexuality. Freud’s response was:

    “Homosexuality is assuredly no advantage, but it is nothing to be ashamed of, no vice, no degradation; it cannot be classified as an illness; we consider it to be a variation of the sexual function, produced by a certain arrest of sexual development. Many highly respectable individuals of ancient and modern times have been homosexuals, several of the greatest men among them. (Plato, Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, etc). It is a great injustice to persecute homosexuality as a crime –and a cruelty, too.”

    As a therapist myself I find it abhorrent that in 2014 reparative therapy is still offered. To think that clients who are clearly suffering from a huge amount of shame and guilt over their sexuality that they would go to a therapist is heart-breaking.

    To think they are delivered to a therapist who would not help and support them in their journey towards self-acceptance but instead strengthen the belief that something is wrong angers me more than I can ever express. The programme certainly offered some good discussion but all in all just highlighted that conversion therapy is flawed and shows no evidence of being effective, helpful or of any value to those undertaking it.

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COLUMN | 1967 And All That

    I often feel such apathy when it comes to politics and I’m a little ashamed of this. We live in an age of complacency when we often feel that having the latest technology, watching the latest T.V. program or owning the latest item of clothing is of rank importance and it’s hard not to fall into that pattern.

    Sitting in the comfort of my home, I feast my eyes on the events of other countries and let myself feel briefly indignant at how homosexuals are treated in Russia and some African countries and then I pour myself another coffee and carry on flicking through a glossy magazine or idly perusing the Internet.

    I saw a play yesterday about the 1967 legal changes that paved the way for gay equality in the UK. The laws that were passed led to homosexuality being decriminalised between consenting adults in private, albeit with an unequal age of consent. It’s hard to believe that it was so recent in our history that we were recognised as lawful and not some sinister and grotesque force of evil.

    Contrast this with stepping out of the theatre and seeing a right wing group with racist and homophobic ideals marching in protest through central London. It’s a stark reminder that we may have won the majority of the battles over the past 50 years but that the war is far from over. We’re in constant danger of losing ground. Public opinion changes and forces with evil or just ignorant and misguided intent gain ground without us even noticing.

    Pre-1967 there was a dark and dangerous climate for us. Blackmail, imprisonment, and psychiatric therapy: these were all far from unusual things for the homosexual male to be faced with as well as venom, hatred and vilification.

    Like most of us, I’m a little bit lazy, slightly complacent and frequently preoccupied with own tiny sphere of existence. This isn’t going to change massively. However, I have made a vow and that’s to be more aware. I’m going to read more, notice more and see where that takes me. I’m not going to turn into Peter Tatchell and put myself in the firing line constantly (my nerves are too fragile for that) but at least it’s a step forward. Maybe you could join me in this? Who knows where it’ll take us and what good it might do.

    Right, that’s enough politics. The soapbox can go back for storing soap in and I’m off to look around shops. I’ve done my political thinking for today.

  • OPINION | James Wharton’s View; Shut Gay Saunas

    So, James Wharton, an openly gay soldier, would like all gay saunas shut down so that we no longer “feed the haters”?

    Hmmmm……I wonder if he’s right? My gut tells me that shutting private premises where what happens happens behind closed doors isn’t going to stop bigots from abusing other humans, verbally or physically. If someone fundamentally doesn’t like who or what you are, will closing down a business premises actually make them think “hang about, I got you gays all wrong, come here and lets cuddle”? Cant see it myself

    James claims to be “no prude” yet says that having multiple partners, in a consensual setting disgust him. The thought that saunas exists for gay men to meet and participate in whatever they want rather revolts him. Is that because he isn’t invited? Sorry, that was a flippant comment – but why does he feel he needs to comment?

    Now, lets look at the flip side: we have massage parlours where straight men attend, usually for more than a massage – we all need happy ending at times! We have straight saunas that offer the same facilities as gay saunas and I don’t see anyone asking for them to shut down so that the LGBT community wont hate them, but wait, we don’t tend to abuse people for their sexuality and tend to be slightly more relaxed in our attitude towards sex and sexuality.

    I find the thought that someone feels they can judge in this manner, and for it to be one of our “own” community, revolting and abhorrent. If someone feels the need to go to a sauna, who am I to condemn them? It doesn’t affect me in the slightest, it doesn’t impact me or mine so why would I call for them to close?

    Surely they serve a purpose, or they wouldn’t exist? For a start, they provide employment, they also provide an outlet for some in our community who feel the need to go here rather than on the scene to meet partners. Again, who are we to judge where people go to meet others? They aren’t illegal!

    James comments that surely the reason for their existence are long gone. But have they? We still have closeted people, either not ready or unwilling to come out, so somewhere they feel able to do whatever they want anonymously can’t be bad – can it? Does James live in a rose-tinted world where there are no closets and everyone can be what or who they want?

    My issue is once again, the slow eating away at, for want of a better term, our freedom, our liberties, our rights to make our own choices and pick up shags where we want!

    Even health and gay rights campaigners comment that closing them down would have no effect on homophobia. Surely, taking it one step further, if they closed saunas, more clandestine opportunities may be sought out, leading to more attacks and risks taken? Is that a good thing?

    I do understand that they can be dangerous and risky places too – the recent death in a Manchester sauna highlighted the issues around drugs and sex. However, the issue should have been more around the drugs taken, not the venue it was done in? Yet, the sauna owners and staff were heavily criticised for the event.

    As we watch in amazement at the draconian measures being implemented around the world, we should protect what we have and push for more! Hands off our saunas!

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • A Re-Think Of HIV And Its Treatment

    A radical re-think is underway in the area of HIV, its prevention and its treatment.

    While we are seeing what feels like an ever increasing reduction in support for LGBT across the world, and something of a religious backlash underway in so-called civilised societies, we are also seeing breakthroughs in treatments and therapies for HIV, provided the people who need it are given access to the treatments.

    A consortium of groups including the European Aids Treatment Group (EATG), Global Network of People Living with HIV (GNP+) and the National Aids Manual (NAMS) issued a joint statement on 27/12/2014 to encourage, almost demand the basic human rights of individuals to choose their treatment – especially in terms of preventative treatments.

    Their statement calls for the choice to start treatment belonging to the individual concerned, and not the state, doctor or charity. This is so that treatment is seen as a benefit to the individual, and not to aid anyone else or further their agenda. HIV treatment has been proven to increase life expectancy and should be available to anyone who wants or needs it, without social stigma or fear of legal reprisals.

    The above is true in certain regimes – Greece in 2012 introduced mandatory testing for some women, in 2013 it was re-introduced and gave the police the right to stop anyone they suspect of being HIV+ and forcibly testing them. Botswana is another country currently considering mandatory testing. Add these to the recent legislative changes in Russia and these measures can only serve to drive HIV underground and prevent those who need treatment from obtaining it.

    Repressive regimes have shown time and time again that their stance against LGBT is linked to HIV, and as a result the most vulnerable in their societies are denied basic healthcare and endanger the global fight against HIV and its spread. Some of the worst regimes (Russia/Ukraine) have some of the lowest proportion of people on treatment, but the highest mortality rates.

    Antiretroviral Therapy (ART) has been shown to decrease the chances of passing the disease by 96%, as one of the biggest issues facing someone HIV+ is the risk of passing the disease to someone else. ART has been proven to effectively render the patient non-infectious. This doesn’t negate the need for standard prevention (condoms, etc) but goes a long way towards that day.

    The recent statement release by this consortium is simply that – a statement that shows the common sense approach on offer there – but one that is constantly under threat from narrow minded legislation that will, inevitably, do more damage than good.

    As the statement says, ART itself will not end the epidemic, but it is an essential component. I am no expert in this field, and more than willing to listen to anyone who is – I grew up alongside this disease, have lost friends and lovers to it and the prospect of it getting hold of newer generations when we have, within our grasp, the tools to help eradicate it, is nonsensical and abhorrent.

    Go over to the site and add your voice. If you have questions, ask them, get this topic back on the agenda and up for discussion, alongside the erosion of LGBT rights worldwide. But don’t forget, HIV is a virus that hits people, not sexualities!

    You can see and sign the statement at:

    www.HIVt4p.org

  • OPINION | Arizona – The Pink Dollar Wins?

    I’ve watched in total bewilderment as the recent situation in Arizona unfolded. In the past few weeks, we’ve some draconian measures come into force in terms of gay rights and archaic laws adopted in countries around the world but also some breaking down of barriers as gay marriage is accepted in others.

    We seem to win some ground in some parts of the world, and lose it in others – but the recent registration in Arizona beggars belief.
    Let me give you a layman’s view of this legislation:

    Senate bill 1062 was passed by the Republican controlled Arizona legislature last week and would have given Arizona business owners with “sincerely held” religious beliefs the legal right to refuse service to anyone if it would conflict with those beliefs.

    Thats it in a nutshell – it gives a business downer carte blanche to refuse service to anyone the owner believes to contravene their ‘sincere’ religious views. The widely held view is that this is aimed at gays and lesbians and the whole marriage question. Cake shops can refuse to deal with the LGBT community on religious grounds, not personal feelings – but who can differentiate between the two? And how do you prove this?

    This comes hot on the heels of several high profile law suits in America when services were refused to LGBT couples wishing to purchase goods or services, based mainly on the business owners religious beliefs.

    With the new and growing area of LGBT marriage, some businesses are embracing it, as it is a money-spinner in these tough economic times – others seem happy to turn away the business.

    Now, once this bill had been passed, and highly advertised through social media with everyone and his tanning salon having an opinion (and quite rightly), we then come to the next amazing turn of events. I swear to god (pun intended) if this turns out to be an ad campaign for Arizona Tourism, it should win awards.

    My favourite piece on Facebook this week about this actually quotes one Arizonan as saying that they hadn’t realised that “gays spent money” and the whole issue of it being bad for business hadn’t occurred to them. They actually went on to blame the “gays” for this as we (the gays) should have brought it to their attention before they agreed the legislation!

    In what must be a most embarrassing turn of events, the governor for Arizona, a seemingly sensible woman named Jan Brewer has vetoed this bill. The state senators even came out (pardon the pun) against it, stating it would be catastrophic for the state in terms of business, commerce and tourism.

    Even big business came out (yes, I did do it again!) against it, with Apple, American Airlines and Marriott trying to tell the state what a mistake it was making! The NFL was said to be investigating shifting the agreed Superbowl away from the state as it feared a backlash.

    Even Obama’s regime waded in, stating it trusted in the integrity of the state governor – but also doubted the ability of the bill to hold up in the supreme court!

    On behalf of my fellow gays, I apologise for not making the entire state of Arizona aware that we have money and like to spend it. Please be aware that our pink pounds, dollars, euros do actually get used to buy products and services – but not in places that feel they have the right to judge us for what we are. We vote with our very well shod feet honey and go where we are welcomed!

    I feel 2014 is going to be an interested and challenging year for human rights everywhere – watch this space!

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COLUMN | The Fainting Couch

    This week has seen me languishing on my sofa.

    ’ve always been a sickly person from childhood onwards with migraines, infections, joint pains and a general lack of robustness. This has carried on into adulthood along with an unhealthy dose of health anxiety and a bag full of pills for every eventuality. I I can swallow a whole handful of pills in one (is this the meaning of deep throat?). You’d think I’d be better at it by now but I’m absolutely rubbish at being ill.

    I’ve had a rip-roaring kidney infection with associated back pain, nausea, joint aches and high fevers. Nipping to the loo every five minutes is no fun either especially when it entails what I call Cockburn (it’s pronounced Co-burn, so they tell me). Before you start thinking the worst, it’s not an STD, just some hideous bacteria that has sneaked its way in and knocked me off my perch, probably exacerbated by being tired and stressed. Not that I’d be ashamed of an STD. It happens to the best of us.

    I have fond memories of childhood illness: watching ‘Sons and Daughters’, Tomato Soup, Lucozade in crinkly cellophane wrappers and boiled eggs whilst lolling on the sofa with a favourite book. I except these are just skewed memories. Nostalgia often casts a rosy glow on things that weren’t like we remember them at all. We can look back on a tedious holiday full of atmosphere and recrimination and remember it as a jolly time. Festive gatherings are often edited with family rows and disappointments on the cutting room floor. Being ill is rubbish. It’s boring and dull. Just how much ‘Homes Under the Hammer’ can you watch before going out of your mind? When I’m at work, I crave a week off but never in my fantasy does that week off involve frequent G.P. trips and lying in a pool of sweat and shivering.

    I have a romanticised ideal of illness that stems from reading too many Victorian novels where the heroine languishes on her fainting couch, a small dog on her lap and a bottle of Laudanum to sip. In reality those couches were stuffed with horse hair and terribly uncomfortable, I’m sure, and no one really wants the Laudanum as it’s just a historic term for Heroin and that’s a route I’m not planning to go down.

    It was a bad prognostic sign when I had to walk out of a play, as I was feeling so sick and shivering with fever. I never leave a good play and consider it bad manners to walk out. As bad as it’s been for me to feel so rough, my poor partner (who works from home) has suffered more. As Baby Jane to my hollering Blanche he’s had to fetch and carry, listen to my pitiful whine and exhibit a huge amount of patience.

    Luckily for him, I’ve been sleeping about 18 hours a day so he’s had some respite. I may have dreamt that moment where he hovered clutching a pillow menacingly over my face. Maybe I didn’t, though and I wouldn’t blame him.

    I can’t imagine being seriously ill or having some chronic condition as so many people do. I’m not cut out for it. The people who suffer like this have my empathy.

    I try to look for a positive in most things. I can only find two: I’ve spent less money and lost half a stone in weight. Thankfully, I’m starting to feel better and my diseased urinary tract is settling down, thanks to a course of strong antibiotics. I’m actually looking forward to going back to work and having some normality. Stay well, people.

  • COMMENT | Has social media taken over your life?

    The use of electronic communication over the past 5 to 10 years has boomed. Most of us use mobile phones and the majority of under 30-year-olds have smart phones. Computers are an integral part of our lives. Few send letters now. Most communicate through instant messaging and emails.

    Although these forms of communication are very useful they can also cause anxiety, encourage poor self-esteem and can be all-consuming to the extent of affecting friendships and work. The jury is out on whether texting and emailing is addictive, but for some their lives do seem to be controlled by social media.

    Here’s a test for you. What’s the first thing you do in the morning – look at your phone for messages? Have you ever gone out and forgotten your mobile? How did you react when you found out? When you last went out for a meal with friends did you or they read or respond to a text? How did that make you feel if it was them? If you have done more than one of these you are probably overly attached and might need to break that control.

    Research is beginning to show that social media may affect our self-esteem. You start comparing what you are doing and what your friends are doing and if their life feels more interesting you begin to think you are boring and wonder why they are friends with you. Your self-esteem drops. In some cases, to counteract this, you may make stories up and, if not careful, get trapped in a web of lies.

    This over-consuming need to be online and letting others know what you are doing can be tiring. You constantly need to portray an image and can seldom be yourself. Let’s agree that it is exciting to know what others are doing, if they are being chatted up or if their work is boring. But we all need time out. Time to be ourselves. Time to recharge.

    The hyper-state of involvement in others’ lives that technology brings can train us to be constantly online so that we don’t miss out. But as a species we have not yet evolved to be so inundated with information about others. Our own lives are complicated enough for us to deal with without constant bombardment from others.

    We need to rest our minds. So why not take control again of your life? Why not go straight to the shower in the morning and look at your phone when you have got ready to go out? Why not have a half day a week (to start with) when you will not be on-line and let everyone know this is what you are doing? It will be hard but this is just an indication of how attached and out of control you have become.

    Holidays are useful ways to rest the mind. To give it time to recharge. These time-outs are very beneficial and help to prevent stress and breakdowns. How about turning off your phone for half the day every day and focus on those you are with? It is great to tell everyone what you are doing on holiday. It can make you feel important. But how about becoming mysterious and keeping them wondering by holding back sending too many messages.

    Technology is great but it also has to work for you. It is there to serve us not for us to become its slave. Communicate electronically but remember face-to-face communications builds better relationships. Try to spend time with friends and lovers and give them your undivided attention.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COLUMN | Deep Down

    There are lots of things that I really like about myself. I have quite pretty blue eyes (if I do say so myself). I can eat a whole pack of bagels without putting on an ounce, can usually empathise with other people and have my entertaining moments.

    I kind of like my weird double jointed big toes and my ability to see at least a little good in most things. I’m also very good at Cluedo and have read the complete works of Agatha Christie.
    Naturally there’s a balance. I hate the little hairs that grow out of my ears, the way I can be prone to judge people harshly without getting to know them well enough first and my terrible eyesight. My clumsiness is a legendary cross which I bare and I tend to be a quitter with a feeble motto of “If at first you don’t succeed then it’s probably just not for you, love.” a motto that’s seen me unable to drive a car, ride a bike or master the yo-yo.

    I suppose we all possess traits and qualities that we have to learn to accept and I’ve written about mine here before: my dodgy mental health. I’m sorry to recur, to bring it up again and to go on about the same old thing but I’m also afraid that that’s just the nature of the beast. It rears its ugly head. It’s also pretty topical with this week’s amazing Time for Change campaigns’ ‘Time to Talk Day’.

    Statistically we were a mental illness once. Gay people were classified as officially possessing a mental disorder, just because they were gay. Loving or even just lusting after, someone of your own gender was considered to be a form of madness and was only removed from the official USA manual of classified psychiatric disorders in 1973. Unsurprisingly, discrimination, homophobia and prejudice have all been linked to alarmingly high rates of poor mental health with associated high substance abuse and suicide rates in LGBT people.

    I don’t know why I get depressed and anxious. I don’t actually care either. I’ve been down the route of therapy (self-help books, counselling, psychoanalysis, cognitive behavioural therapy, medications). I’ve soul searched, analysed and been analysed and it doesn’t matter to me any more whether it’s my stressful job, my childhood experiences, my abusive past relationships or my dodgy genes. It just matters that I can get by the best I can with whatever resources I can access. I try to spot the triggers and try to engage my relapse survival mechanisms when an episode hits (spoken like someone who’s been through way too much therapy).

    So, a week of feeling desperate, bowling balls nestling in my stomach and a sick sense of dread? It’s not much of a joy feeling so joyless. It’s been hard to keep perspective and think about my good career, my relationships, my friendships and the people who love me. So why am I sharing this with you? Is this entertaining or worth the read? I hope that the latter is true. I’m a normal functional human being who just struggles a bit at times. It’s true of one in three of us apparently.

    So, that’s my purpose. I’m talking about it. I’m human. I work, I eat, I sleep and have a good job that I love. This silly depression of mine should carry no stigma. I’ve been ill. It’s like the flu. I’m ill, not weak or defective. I’ve been having a low period and I’m getting a bit better thanks for asking. I just want you to know what I wish people had sometimes told me: lots of people feel like this. It’s really bloody hard, but we can get by. There are lots of us about and we sometimes just want to talk about it.