THEGAYUK

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  • COMMENT | What does LGBT+ actually mean…

    LGBTQIAPK – Has it all gone too far? – A follow up

    The rationale behind the question was about division by classification. Is this a form of segregation?

    Is it a division any group would allow; if it were not a self-imposed segregation?

    When segregation has been imposed historically by authority it has created alienation and not promoted inclusion. How is this different?

    There appear to be 3 distinct groups, Heterosexuality, LGBT+, and the groups and acts that are illegal.

    “I am a man, and a gay man at that, but I am not LGBT+. Where does LGBT+ exist? It exists in the policy documents of local authorities and on the pages of corporate propaganda”

    Is LGBT+ just political? I sometimes feel like a unit of currency or a pawn in someone else’s game. I am not a stepping stone for someone’s political ambition or career. I am a man, and a gay man at that, but I am not LGBT+.

    Where does LGBT+ exist? In someone’s mind or the minds of some, but perhaps not the consciousness of the masses. It exists in the policy documents of local authorities and on the pages of corporate propaganda. It exists in some places in London, perhaps many. If London is the epicentre of LGBT+ in the UK, then like a pebble dropped in a pool the ripple weakens as it moves further out.

    I liken LGBT+ to the Euro and Gay to the pound. They are fast getting to be worth the same. Spending the Euro is possible in London, but try that currency in almost any village in the country and it will be rejected. The pound may sometimes be “the only gay in the village,” but in the UK it is more credible.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • Incredible everyday objects that tell the unheard stories of the UK’s trans community

    They say a picture is worth a thousand words; we say an object speaks a thousand more. This is exactly what the public of Brighton learnt when The Museum of Transology opened its doors recently at the iconic Brighton Pavilion Museum, featuring key objects and artefacts from previously unearthed trans history.

    “Maeve – Not long after I started my transition, my cousin asked me to be a bridesmaid. I wore these shoes and a dress which my mum made. I was absolutely shitting myself in church but it was a beautiful day <3”

    Collected and curated by E-J Scott, the new exhibition showcases seemingly “everyday” objects, revealing remarkable stories behind them, from the brave and diverse trans individuals who’ve donated their personal possessions to go on display. Challenging society-fixed gender labels, binary and the ideology that gender is biologically determined, the exhibition includes personal belongings such as a trans man’s first pair of gender-bending childhood ballet shoes and a woman’s first ever transition-land marking item of makeup – all with unpredicted stories told through the objects.

    “This was the ticket I used to meet my Canadian girlfriend, the first time seeing her in person as her boyfriend instead of her girlfriend. An amazing moment!”

    Having proved a blowout success during its showing in London earlier this year, the gallery contains photography from Bharat Sikka and Sharon Kilgannon, plus further works from other key artists and creatives. This is the biggest display of trans artefacts and photographic portraiture ever displayed in the UK – if not, the world!

    “My first pair of ballet shoes… I’ve been doing ballet since I was 4 years old. When I came out I was worried that people wouldn’t see me as male because of my love of ballet and pointe, but because I love it so much I refused to quit. Since coming out I’ve been more confident in my dancing, and while they were worn long before my transition, they hold a lot of meaning for me as ballet has made me the man I am.”

    “I became far more ambitious with age! (But wore this [for] 10 years)”

    Open until summer 2018, the exhibition takes place during exceptionally pertinent times for the trans community, with anti-progressive obstacles threatening trans individuals recently, such as Trump disgracefully banning trans soldiers from the US military. Alongside key events this year such as Trans Pride – having celebrated its 5th successful this year – The Museum of Transology exhibition provides a positive voice for the often-unheard trans individuals within the UK.

    “This was the first piece of makeup I bought. It all comes back to this. I learnt about it from YouTube and still use it today. I finally built up the confidence to go into a shop and buy makeup without feeling judged. Now that I’ve started I’ve not looked back once – SPx”
    “The lipstick was from my wonderful sister who was the first family member to accept and support my transition. <3”

    Here are some of the touching first-hand trans stories and experiences to expect at the new exhibition…

    All pictures c/o Museum of Transology

    by George Palmer  @george_palms 

     

    For more information on the exhibition visit – http://brightonmuseums.org.uk/brighton/

  • COMMENT | I committed the gay cardinal sin… I got overweight and old

    When I was young gay bars and nightclubs were at the height of popularity and exclusively gay. I had no trouble finding men and no intention of settling down with one. Why have the same meal every day when all the menu was there to be sampled?

    In my 30s I struggled and became distant from the “scene.” It was at this juncture I discovered the part-time poof. Straight in everyday life, some even married; but all with a high sex drive, just needing a discrete and understanding friend. Some regulars lasted for years. This was in the days before the Internet and mobile phones. I was a safe option and a place to develop themes and try out new things they could never do anywhere else.

    In my 40s I was a publican. It’s true, so often “The difference between a straight and gay man is about 8 pints”.

    The problem is when sober, some feel they have been duped as they cannot accept self-responsibility and others can be convinced to do it again, but they want free beer. Free beer is never a good thing, it is just like paying for it and I was not up for that.

    When I left the pub trade I entered a barren wasteland of no sex and no gay contact. The problem was I had committed the worst of gay sins by getting old and overweight.

    Experience counts. I had quite a lot of the play with part-time poofs into kinks. Oh the delights of BDSM. I do like a younger man. Those who would never look at me twice in the real world, fall at my feet to serve when I am an expert in their fetishes. Now it seems I am to grow old disgracefully, an ageing kinkster in the twilight of his perversion.

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • Six reasons guys may engage in the services of a sex worker

    Six reasons guys may engage in the services of a sex worker

    Writing in 2013, writer Greg Mitchell outlined six reasons why men might call upon the services of an escort and asked if Prostitution was the last taboo.

    FILE PHOTO

    One will typically find, when talking about sex, that a gay man will say something along the lines of, “I’d never use an escort. I don’t have to.” The inference being, that they are too sexy, good-looking young or whatever for them to even consider the services of a sex worker. Well, let me tell you, there are many reasons a guy might choose to see an escort, and usually, it has very little to do with the way they look. Most are just average guys, the kind of guy you might have winked at in a bar, and some of the ones I’ve seen have been downright gorgeous. Admittedly, there are a few who look better with the lights out, but for the most part, they are just ordinary guys.

    Six reasons

    1. He’s in a long-term relationship. He still loves his partner, but his partner doesn’t enjoy the same sort of sex he does. Seeing an escort is far safer than picking someone up on the internet or in a bar. His partner is far less likely to find out about it, and the escort is far less likely to turn into a bunny boiler.

    2. Maybe he’s disabled in some way. We do tend to forget the physical needs of the disabled, as if a disability should condemn someone to a life time of celibacy. One of my clients, a sweet and gentle man, had lost both his legs in an accident. Sex wasn’t easy for him, but it was possible and he still had needs. Much better to use the service of a professional.

    3. This is one of the most surprising, but it happens. A young guy, who wants someone with a bit of experience to each them a few things. I wrote an article about one such experience for my blog. Take a look

    4. The businessman in town for a couple of nights. He has a limited amount of time and doesn’t want to waste it hanging around in bars or trying to find someone on Grindr or Scruff (you know how time-consuming that can be). The answer, call an escort. Even better, make the booking before you arrive in town. You may be surprised to hear that many book in advance.

    5. Those who want to have sex with that particular escort; probably because they’ve seen him in a movie (escorting and porn often go together).

    6. Someone who wants to explore and indulge a particular fetish. Believe it or not, it can be safer to explore this with an escort, someone who has a website and umpteen ads on various sites, than someone who is a complete unknown.

    Do we really wish to criminalise these men? Absolutely not, nor should the State be interfering in what is, after all, a transaction between two consenting adults. It’s my contention that the problems of trafficking, drugs and coercion could be more easily be dealt with by decriminalising and regulating the industry, rather than creating more bands of legislation and driving the industry further underground. It’s called the oldest profession in the world for a reason, and it’s time that our attitudes to both sex and the sex industry became more grown up.

    Read the original article here

  • What Is It Like To Be A Male Escort?

    Sex workers are not just stigmatised, they are also stereotyped. Till very recently, it was a widely held belief that it’s just females who are involved in professions like commercial sex work, escorting and other job profiles which are part of the sex industry.

    This stereotype, however, has been dismantled in the past few decades, with men making their presence felt in the field too.

    Though it can’t be said that the business of male escorts is a recent trend, it can be said with certainty that wider internet penetration has enabled people to solicit male escorts, bringing the subject into the popular arena.

    This has also led to better acceptance of male escorting and the people involved in the business.

    A male sex worker in the US., who goes by the name David-SF, talked about the legality of escort services in the US. in a blog on the website, aboutmaleescorting.com, which advocates and breaks the stigma around the profession.

    What Is It Like To Be A Male Escort?
    FILE PHOTO

    “Much about what I write will come from my experience in a place where commercial sex work is still against the law, so we call it ‘selling time’,” he writes. He states that while prostitution is illegal in most parts of the country, escort agencies use the phrase “selling time” to provide services for consenting adults.

    It is also important to understand that escorts do not always engage in sexual activities with their clients. They cater not just to people who are sexually oriented toward being straight but also people of other sexualities as well.

    Not just escort agencies, but websites around the world bring escorts closer to their clients. An article by aboutmaleescorting.com gives an insight into the scale of the online market. Results of a study of such websites suggested that most were independent and not affiliated to escort agencies, and a large number of them catered to male escorts soliciting male clients, with many sites for female clientele and couples.

    Rentboy.com, founded in 1996 is said to be the first male escort ad-listing website; similar sites like Rentmen.com have also popped up. Rentboy, one of the most popular of its kind, especially in the U.S., got about 500,000 unique visitors a day in 2014.

    The owner of Cowboys 4 Angels, a US based escort service that specifically caters to female clients, Garren James, in a video on New York Post said he was always looking for new faces to join his company.

    A former male escort himself, James stated he screened all the prospective escorts or gigolos himself to ensure they had the ability to survive in the competitive industry, where female clients “expect the best” for the money they paid.

    Male escorts working for the company might earn a few thousand dollars in the initial days, but pay can go up to $40,000 a month later. Many men get into the profession part-time to pay for their expenses.

    The website started becoming popular in 2009, and claimed to sell companionship and not sex. James, in an article for Cosmopolitan in 2015, said whatever happened between two consenting adults behind closed doors is never a part of the original agreement.

    The job is not easy, with long working hours and a demanding clientele. The stigma attached to it makes it no easier. 

    Tommy, an escort with the website, talked about his experiences with female clients and what they sought from an escort. “Women hire me for different reasons. I think that they want somebody who will really pay attention to them, who’s really listening. She’s telling her husband about her day, and he’s watching Sports Center or doing his fantasy football picks,” he says.

    “I think maybe that’s part of the reason I’ve done so well. I’m able to really care about their lives and where they’ve been. For the most part, my pipeline is all repeat clients,” Tommy adds.

    Tommy also revealed that his attempts at dating women who were not his clients did not go too well as many would not accept that he was an escort; his travel and long working hours did not work in his favour either.

    Another escort, Ryan James, clarified a few things about the profession in an article in Sydney Morning Herald. He denied the popular belief that he was in the profession because of a high libido.

    “Guys with really high sex drives all want to be escorts and they make terrible escorts. As soon as they’re with a client they’re not particularly attracted to, they fail,” he says, adding that escorts need to have “the ability to get enjoyment from pleasing someone else.”

    Meanwhile, gay escorts also revealed details about their jobs in a 2014 piece for the Huffington Post. A typical client, according to the rent boys interviewed by the website, would usually be a working professional in his 30s or 40s, who is either gay or bisexual and has no time or interest in dating and identified publicly as straight. However, each escort had different types of clients.

    Many also said they had also masqueraded as clients’ boyfriends at fancy galas.

    However, all accounts state that the job is not easy, with long working hours and a demanding clientele. The stigma attached to it makes it no easier.

    As Professors John Scott and Victor Minichiello, authors of the book “ Male Sex Work and Society” and founders of aboutmaleescorting.com put it, “Male sex workers face a double stigma because same-sex relationships are stigmatised and sex work is stigmatised.”

    by Gayathri Anuradha
    Licensed from International Business Times & iCopyrightContentServices

  • COMMENT | Discovering I was different

    What was I?

    Getting information was difficult in the 1970s. It was all so confusing. My point of reference was the tabloid press. It was what my father and grandfather read and the only available resource. I knew I couldn’t ask them.

    When an actor or pop singer was in disgrace for an unmentionable act with a member of the same sex, it was all so vague. I thought I knew that couldn’t be me though as I couldn’t act or sing and had no desire for the attire and makeup of the glam rock era.

    In the playground, I heard the same derogatory remarks slung at boys from each other “you’re a bummer, a wanker, a homo and a queer.” The narrative had an intent to offend and insult, but I didn’t know what the words meant. Did one of those words describe me?

    The narrative had an intent to offend and insult, but I didn’t know what the words meant. Did one of those words describe me?

    It was about 2.45pm on a Wednesday afternoon in the early summer of 1974. I was 11 years old. Taking the Environmental Studies class was Miss Barker a temporary teacher. It was her first day and our first lesson with her.

    She was a  pretty young woman in her early to mid 2os. Casually dressed in jeans and a white T-shirt with a v-neck. Her cleavage was pert and visible. The colour of the clothing and bra beneath did nothing to conceal that she had nipples like Tractor stater buttons.

    One of my friends suggested he would like Miss Barker to run her fingers down his spine. He shivered as if the thought of it had made him tingle all over. The other boys we were sat with all eagerly joined in expressing similar opinions.

    I knew I did not want her to touch me. Geoff the boy at the front who was athletic, having experienced a pre-teenage explosion of testosterone would be my choice.

    I don’t know why but I didn’t share it with the others. I knew it meant I was different but I did not have a name for it; or anyone I could talk to about it. In that instant, I had learned something about me and I knew it would be my secret for some time into the future.

    It would be nearly 5 more years before I found out, I was not one of those playground taunts; but that I had hit the jackpot and was all of them!

  • Dating apps make men unhappy and provide a platform for racism

    Do dating apps give men body image concerns and lower self-esteem?

    File 20170918 8268 19lvl0g
    shutterstock

    Glen Jankowski, Leeds Beckett University

    As the dating app Tinder turns five, new research shows men who regularly use the app have more body image concerns and lower self-esteem.

    The research found Tinder users reported lower levels of satisfaction with their faces and higher levels of shame about their bodies. And users were also more likely to view their bodies as sexual objects.

    This is hardly surprising given that Tinder’s “evaluative factors” have the potential to intensify preexisting cultural beauty ideals. The app’s “swipe right to dismiss” facility, along with the limited number of words a user can write on their profile means appearance take centre stage. In other words, the more conventionally attractive your photos are, the more likely you are to be clicked, swiped or hit upon by other users.

    But whether men use Tinder or not, most will report dissatisfaction with some aspect of their appearance. This could be anything from height, body hair, muscularity, skin tautness, shoe size, penis size, facial symmetry, head hair amount and more. Sadly there are few areas of the body men do not find fault with.

    The body beautiful?

    Over the last few decades, boys’ and men’s appearances have come under increasing scrutiny. This is largely because in the 1980s businesses finally started exploiting a relatively untapped market: the appearance insecurities of men.

    To demonstrate – today men are sold anti-cellulite cream for their pecs, hair transplants for their facial hair and “manscara” for their eyes. Then there are the boys’ action dolls that have gained muscle and lost body fat with each successive edition. Add this to the fact that 80% of the men featured in popular media such as Men’s Health magazine are of a muscular body build – with many of these models taking drastic measures in the weeks leading up to photos shoots to make sure they look lean.

    These models also tend to have a full head of hair and symmetrical faces. The same goes for porn sites – where almost all of the men featured are equally ripped and stereotypically “handsome”.

    Love your selfie.
    Shutterstock

    It’s unsurprising then that boys today feel they are growing up in a world which focuses heavily upon their appearance. Of course, this is a problem that has plagued women and girls for decades. And in the way that this has impacted girls for so long, now this pressure is impacting on boys’ well-being. One recent study found almost one in five boys had resorted to diet pills, purging, skipping meals, steroids or tanning products to change their appearance.

    White washing

    But beyond appearance pressures, dating apps are doubly damaging because they often operate in a sphere where sexual racism is commonplace.

    The dating app OKCupid recently analysed sexual racism among 1m of its male site users. The company found that compared to black, Asian or minority ethnic users, white users got more messages. White users were also found to be less likely to reply or match with users of a different race to themselves, and more likely to question interracial marriage.

    Online dating comes with its own rules, preferences and prejudices.
    Shutterstock

    Recent research from Australia also found that 15% of gay men on the dating app Grindr included sexual racism on their profiles. This was more likely to be the case if the profile user was white, and if the user held broader racist views.

    I too have noticed gay men who write offensive terms that specify race preferences on their profiles – such as “Black=block”, “no gaysians” or even “no chocolate or rice”. In its terms and conditions, Grindr bans offensive speech. Which is in part why, three years ago, I started a Twitter account, @GrindrRacism to encourage Grindr to remove offensive profiles. Disappointingly Grindr has often been slow to act though – meaning sexual racism is still present on the app.

    Dating elite

    Of course apps aren’t the cause of racism around sexual preferences. Instead like appearance pressures, users are influenced by what’s going on in wider society. By not tackling those problems in society, however, – for example cracking down on offensive speech – apps can act as enablers for racism and insecurity.

    So while in some ways, these apps have brought our dating lives into the 21st century – where casual sex is more accepted and where gay men can meet other gay men without being imprisoned – in other ways, they also remind me of the 1950s, a time when shops would hang “No Blacks” signs in their doorways and when magazines like Playboy relentlessly objectified women’s appearances.

    The ConversationUltimately given that more people are using dating apps than ever before, they need to work for everyone – not just those who are “attractive” or white.

    Glen Jankowski, Senior Lecturer in the School of Social Sciences, Leeds Beckett University

     

    This article was originally published on The Conversation. Read the original article.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COMMENT | A “Sassy Gay Republican” is being dragged over healthcare, but it’s his support for the alt-right which should concern us

    Life comes at you fast and furiously, as one gay conservative recently discovered following a horrifying auto collision.

    A Twitter user who called Alex, who bills himself “Sassy Gay Republican” went viral after establishing a GoFundMe campaign to help pay medical bills he alleges his insurance is unwilling to cover. This in itself is an all-too-common occurrence in the United States, where healthcare is not considered a fundamental right but a luxury.

     

    For argument’s sake, though, let’s assume everything Alex is saying is true, because it provides an interesting news angle into something the gay community needs to reckon with: the growing number of young, white gay men attracted to the far-right and neo-fascist movements.

     


    First, let’s clear something up. Debating Alex’s views on health care misses the wider point and is, in fact, a waste of time. He isn’t a hypocrite. Alex has said he is against state-funded healthcare but has no problem begging strangers online for a handout.

    American conservatives opposed to public health care contend that individuals are responsible for their own medical coverage, and charity (including crowdfunding on sites like GoFundMe) is one way to do that. The argument isn’t that people shouldn’t willingly pool resources to help one another, but rather that they shouldn’t be forced to pool resources through taxation, which is what socialised medicine requires.

    Regardless of what you think about the state’s role in providing healthcare (and I fundamentally disagree with Alex here), but he’s not a hypocrite. This is ideologically consistent.

     


    Yet debating this one point is to miss the forest for the trees. While this whole incident raises a lot of interesting questions – about healthcare, about the role of Twitter in political discourse, about the power imbalance between celebrities and the rest of us (Chrissy Teigan helped this story to go viral) – the most jarring question is why Alex is a Trump-supporting “redhat” to begin with. How did this young white gay man arrive at such a radically different worldview to the majority of our community and why do so many other young white gay men seem to be following down the same path?

    I touched on this earlier this year in an essay for my blog, The Curious American. It largely piggybacks off an article by Laurie Penny which discusses her experiences with Milo Yiannopolous – the standard-bearer for the gay hard right – and his acolytes. Since then, several other pieces have been written on the gay attraction to neo-fascist movements in the US, UK, and Germany. In an article for the New Yorker (which later appeared at The Cut), Maureen O’Connor explains that “gay men are remarkably prominent – if not exactly abundant – in the alt-right universe,” mentioning Yiannopolous, the journalist Chadwick Moore (whom I wrote about for the Independent in February), and “Twinks 4 Trump” founder and Gateway Pundit blogger Lucian Wintrich as standard bearers of this homofascist movement.

    O’Connor, as I did in my essay for The Curious American, links the gay appeal of the “alt-right” (which to be clear is really just doublespeak for far-right, neofascism, and white supremacy) to a hypermasculine yet camp aesthetic. It sounds paradoxical, but it makes perfect sense that hypermasculinists such as Trump would appeal to camp, flamboyant men like Yiannopolous and Wintrich who fetishise “Daddy” (as they call Trump) and Black men (in the case of Yiannopolous).

    In doing so, they knowingly play on the stereotype of Black men as “bulls” who are hypersexual and dominant – a trope that goes back to Jim Crow when Black men were painted as sexually predatory and a threat to white women and white womanhood. Meanwhile, other gay men swoon over the leader of the so-called “alt-right movement” Richard Spencer, who has been held up as a far-right sex symbol by even the mainstream media.

    Still, other gay men are attracted to the far-right movements currently gaining traction in the mainstream because of an innate Islamophobia. Trump and his ilk used the Pulse massacre – in which an American-born Muslim slaughtered 49 people at a gay dance club in Orlando – to stoke Islamophobia within the gay community. It worked remarkably well, not just in the United States, but abroad. As CNN reported earlier this month, many German gay men are turning to the hard-right Alternative for Germany (AfD) party because of anti-Muslim prejudice. The party opposes same-sex marriage, yet that doesn’t matter to their gay supporters who view Islam as a violent, existential threat to themselves.

     

    While ISIS clearly has some medieval views on homosexuality and routinely throws gay men off roofs, this is like comparing Ugandan Christians (who routinely execute LGBT people) to MIke Pence, whose own evangelical beliefs are used to justify his opposition to LGBT equality. In America, the majority of Muslims think it’s fine to be gay – far outstripping their evangelical Christian counterparts.

    In Britain, the picture is bleaker – just over half of British Muslims polled think homosexuality should be illegal while most Christians have liberalised their views on homosexuality since 1990. But when you look at hate crime statistics, most anti-gay violence in the US, UK, and Germany is perpetrated by non-Muslims – complicating the argument that Islam is the greatest threat to Western gays, regardless of polled views.

    Which brings us back to Alex, whose tweets (two of which I’ve posted above) illustrate a deep but unwarranted Islamophobia. Whether this was the primary motivation for him to support Trump, I don’t know. After all, whilst he’s vehemently pro-Trump, he seems to oppose Vice President Mike Pence, who is notoriously homophobic and anti-gay.

     

    This really underscores a key point. Many of these gay men who are fascinated with the alt-right are turned off by traditional conservatism as defined by the Tory Party in the UK, Angela Merkel’s Christian Democrats in Germany, and the Republican establishment in the USA. That is a conservatism that plays on outright prejudices (making opposition to same-sex marriage a key platform, for example) whilst the “alt-right” – while nearly universally opposing LGBT civil rights – feigns acceptance and even borrows from gay culture (with the camp shtick of Yiannopolous and Wintrich and the hypermasculine ideal of others).

    Indeed, Alex himself, in a filmed diatribe released following his viral tweets, says that his sexuality isn’t an issue at Trump rallies. Yet this anecdote isn’t backed up by any polling data currently available: 59% of Trump supporters oppose same-sex marriage according to a Rasmussen poll from June. An NBC/Wall Street Journal poll earlier this month found only 37% of Trump voters back equal marriage.

     

    Alex is but one young man, but he is indicative of a larger trend of white gay men moving to the far right. His sudden viral fame provides an excellent jumping off point not to debate the merits of crowdfunded healthcare but rather to ask ourselves, as a community, why so many of our young men are being drawn to a decidedly anti-LGBT, anti-Muslim movement.

    This is something the wider LGBT community is going to have to grapple with over the coming years, and while I fully recognise I don’t present many answers here, I think it’s time we start talking about why young white gay men like Alex are radicalising, and what it means for the wider LGBT movement. Because right now, these alt-right gay men are driving the entire community towards a head-on collision with fascism.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COMMENT | LGBTQIAPK – Has it all gone too far?

    I am a 55-year-old gay man living in a small market town in Mid Devon. Until I made a move of around 10 miles, four years ago I had always been out and openly gay. I am not anymore.

    I live in a complex where everyone is over 50. Older people I have met here seem to talk about homosexuality as it is defined by the physical act as a preemptive to being disgusted. It is not about being gay which as a term encompasses a lifestyle and personality.

    As a single man, moving to a new place, I did not feel the need to define myself. The people where I live are generally not looking for a partner or to hook up and so my sexuality was assumed by them, and I did nothing to contradict what they thought of me.

    I had known pride in being gay. I am proud of being around during a time of change for gay rights. I am proud to have equal rights. There comes a time though to move on, to integrate and to consolidate.

    I feel every time the “runaway bus” of the acronym LGBT+ adds a letter, it is a “nail in the coffin” of acceptance. It seems that for every step forward a new cause is added and another divide created.

    For me, it is about being gay. I am not the eternal campaigner. I feel every time the “runaway bus” of the acronym LGBT+ adds a letter, it is a “nail in the coffin” of acceptance. It seems that for every step forward a new cause is added and another divide created.

    By inclusion, I am excluded. In the past, I could explain to people I was gay and get their acceptance. Now because of the marketing of LGBT+ and the media, it feels difficult to be a standalone gay as it comes with the baggage of so many deviances as to be abhorrent to an average person.

    After so many years is it not the time to give it a rest? To stop ramming sexuality down the throat of the heterosexual masses. (The pun was intended for effect)

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COMMENT | Gay men need to stop saying we’re “over hill at 30”

    Over the Hill at 30? What EVAH!

    I chose this subject forgetting what my age was. I snuggled down this evening under my crocheted blanket a friend made while l sipped on a camomile tea and thought about going over the hill.

    The truth is l am. I’m heading towards 43. Bear with me and I might be able to explain it within this rambling.

    You young ones can bugger off. Thirty isn’t over the hill. Thirty is the becoming of age. Your teen years through to the 20s are the ones where you are young, dumb and full of cum and self-exploring with what you actually like, dislike and what you won’t do. Home economics lessons never taught you all you needed to know about life in the kitchen. Who knew a strawberry soufflé could be so erotic while chomping down on an artic roll was not. We experimented. For me, a cucumber was best left as an extra to a Pimms and only good for the eyes you see through and not the one you sit on.

    Heading towards my 43rd year I am plagued by creaking joints, a nerve in my arm that when it flares up I am in pain like I have never known for about 5 weeks and a decade of drinking sports drinks by the litre a day and sniffing poppers, while it hasn’t damaged my kidneys, I certainly wouldn’t be able to sell them on the black market. Occasionally I do wake with a mid-lower backache. My hair thankfully is my own with a flick grey here or there and I am able to cut my own toenails. Just.

    But then there is the other thing that you get when you become 40 and over the hill. That’s contentment. If you have made the right choices, had a shit load of fun on the way but always kept an eye on the long-term outcome, you will find happiness within yourself. That there in itself is an ultimate goal. An undervalued goal too when I have spoken to youngsters about their hopes, dreams and aspirations. If you have to aim low, then do so. You’ll achieve more that way.

    If you are lucky to have someone else, hopefully, it will be with them too. However as l have witnessed, if the significant other doesn’t have their eyes looking forward they can succumb to the all too familiar feelings of failure and ultimately bugger off looking for something that actually might not be there because had they turned around, they would have found it. Moral of the story is, become content as fast as possible.

    So this leaves you in your 3rd decade of life. I wouldn’t go back there again. I’m not bloody stupid. But I wouldn’t want to miss out on anything that I did. I feel I achieved more than enough through that 3rd decade.

    Drinking copious amounts of vodka was quite normal back then. A litre bottle in one sitting was quite the norm. The hangovers were never as savage as they are now. You didn’t do quite as many stupid things as you did in your 20s while fuelled up but you will do more than you will in your 40s. You’ll also be able to afford the better quality vodka and not the cheap tasting battery acid for the all-night offy. Being asked for ID is a thing of the past in your 30’s.

    Being asked for ID is a thing of the past in your 30s.

    You’ve got nightclubbing staying power babes, don’t you forget it. You’ve hit the clubs so many times, you know how to get high on the dance floor without using substances bought and sold in the toilets. You can choose your songs carefully, dance your socks off and then head to the bar when the key changes to something from One Direction. You may find you have a liking for OD later in life. I did with Tatjana “Santa Maria” I can’t stop dancing to it now. Back then l ruddy hated it.

    Beige is a colour you’ll only associate with a Greggs’ pasty and not comfy trousers or a fluffy warm pull-over with roll top neckline. Colours are to be played with. The 30s is about statements and having the experience and balls to go out there and show the world.

    You’ve also had love in the fast lane. If you do find lasting love in your 20s you’ll enjoy it more. 30s love comes with a level of maturity that you don’t have in your 20s. Going for coffee, art galleries and sigh seeing are things to enjoy. You wouldn’t dream of doing them in your 20s and I am not saying that you should. The mature human doesn’t want pissed up teens and 20 somethings ruining a stroll around Hyde Park and the V&A in London.

     

    So cock off with your hiding of age, admit what you are.

    Been there, done that and l tell you, there is nothing to be ashamed of.

    You will, however, disguise your age. Being a mature student I disguised my early 30s by being late 20s. The girls at uni were obsessed with age. Come 40 and you’ll start shouting it from the rooftops that you made it that far. So cock off with your hiding of age, admit what you are. Been there, done that and l tell you, there is nothing to be ashamed of. In truth, the girls I went to uni with are now all in their 30s and settling down having babies. None of them are out drinking like I was so two finger salute to you 20 something youngsters, those in the 30s can handle it more than you realise.

    And why can we handle it at 30? Because we are not over the hill. Our bodies heal just as fast. We have more cash in our pockets, WE have the nicer things. For my generation at least, we lived in different times. With each passing decade, it doesn’t always look like it becomes any easier for you lot.

    By 38 the peak of the hill is getting close and you can see the clouds at the top but you can still cram in a bucket load of life in those remaining 104 weeks of 30. You’re not over the hill yet so what are you waiting for? Go on, bugger off… enjoy yourselves.

     

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  • 8 Ways to Survive Being a Sissy

    Performance artist Nando Messias shares some tips on how to survive when you’re an effeminate man.

    8 Ways to Survive Being a Sissy

    For more insights come see Where 4 Roads Meet: Death and the Sissy, showing at Toynbee Studios on the 12th of October. Tickets on sale now. 

    1. Pile on the makeup

    As war paint, like Quentin Crisp, “blinded by mascara and dumb by lipstick.” Don’t listen to the objections. No matter what you do, you will always look like a girl and you will most definitely always stand out. So have fun. As jeweller Harry Winston put it: “People will stare. Make it worth their while.”

    2. Wear a bold perfume

    Choose any of the following: Poison, Opium, Coco, Amarige, Angel or Insolence. Aromatics Elixir if you don’t like florals and Giorgio If you’re on a tight budget. I wear Fracas myself but you can’t have that because it’s mine. Anything with a huge sillage will do the job. Throw caution to the wind and douse yourself with gay abandon. The effect you want is that of an invisible protective shield around you. It might not ward off the haters but it should at least keep mosquitoes away in summer.

    3. Carry stiletto heels

    My strong advice is to wear stiletto heels on all occasions. Failing that, carry a pair in your bag at all times. The thinner the heel, the better. If in danger, run. Mind, you might stumble, so practice in advance. If you choose not to run, you can always use the heels as weapons.

    4. Wear a cape

    This is genuine advice I actually received from a police officer following a bashing I suffered once. “Next time,” he suggested, “wear a cape until you arrive at your destination.” A cape! A mother-fu*king, sodding, cape. As if A CAPE would make me any less conspicuous. Perhaps if I added a top hat and a walking stick, people might mistake me for Count Dracula and then I would fit right in, officer.

    5. Take taxis wherever you go

    Or, even better, hire a driver-bodyguard. You know you deserve one.

    6. Take self-defence classes

    But only in heels and makeup.

    7. Become a recluse

    Refuse to come out. You might become a legend like Greta Garbo or Maria Callas.

    8. Become an artist

    It’s worked for me and generations of effeminate men before me. I went down the performance art route myself and have been warmly embraced by a coterie of fabulous misfits I now call family.

    Somehow I seem to have survived as an effeminate man. Don’t erase your difference. Don’t try to fit into a mould. And whatever you do, stay safe and don’t let the bastards grind you down! Remember Madonna: “and if I fall, I get up again now, I get up again, over and over…”

    For more insights come see Where 4 Roads Meet: Death and the Sissy, showing at Toynbee Studios on the 12th of October. Tickets on sale now. 

    by Nando Messias

    Nando Messias‘ work straddles performance art, dance and theatre. His performances combine beautiful images with a fierce critique of gender, visibility and violence. He has performed at prestigious venues such as Hayward Gallery, V&A, Tate Tanks, Roundhouse, Royal Vauxhall Tavern, Tate Britain and ICA, among other spaces across the UK. He has also worked extensively on the international circuit.