Today it’s #MakeAMovieSick
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Nutshell / Hollywood pitch – Let’s make a prequel/sequel to the successful 2014 film where Snow White means Game Of Thrones. All other sequels go darker and moodier but here we go lighter and up the comedy and the action beats too boot. Evil Queen has even more evil Sister who has watched too much Frozen as like Elsa she can control snow and ice but here without bursting into ‘Let It Go’ at regular intervals. Chris Hemsworth has to save the day in the land where love has been banned yet he can’t help feeling the need to breed so he sets off on adventures to avenge a death… It has a decent midway twist and Charlize Theron hamming it up superbly in two important sections in the secondary villain roll and you won’t be able to take your eyes off her when she is on screen.
Time – 114 mins of swashbuckling action with slow parts.
Certificate – 12A so the fights are very user friendly.
Tagline – None – Preferring to go with “From The Makers of Maleficent” and ” From The Makers Of Alice In Wonderland”.
THE GAY UK FACTOR – A full length feature in the company of the ultimate muscled man of the countryside Chris Hemsworth The Huntsman himself who can hunt us anytime – You can virtually smell his pits and testosterone through the screen this is one serious big Alpha male guy, unfortunately with one of the worst haircuts in movie history this time out. On the upside he does briefly decide to get into the bath naked which stills have already flooded across the internet on every gay blog and wank site.
Cast – The Aussie Hunk Thor Chris Hemsworth and the South African beauty and Oscar winner for Monster Charlize Theron. Another Oscar worrying actress from The Help and Zero Dark Thirty Jessica Chastain plays the love interest and Emily Blunt (The Devil Wears Prada) round out the very heavy girlie cast which may be the reason for it’s average Box Office success. The supporting cast is Nick Frost (Shaun Of The Dead), Sheridan Smith from the superb TV Drama Cilla and Rob Brydon from BBC’s Would I Lie To You?, Gavin and Stacey and even Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.
Key Player – Mirror mirror on the wall who is… you know the drill. Charlize Theron does not have a huge screen time here but like the first film she dominates and steals it from everyone else and she seems to be having such fun maybe she should do a lot more villainess roles. We could all do with her evil mirror if it makes us this attractive.
Budget – A not cheap $115 million. It hasn’t opened in the States yet but only garnering $44 million Internationally it maybe the first flop of the Summer blockbuster season. The previous film in the series made $396 million let’s put it simply, this one won’t.
Best Bit – 1.02 mins; The central fight scene in the woods and over a rope bridge with some very nasty creatures is the high point here. It is tense, well directed and the monsters are very good indeed and pretty unstoppable.
Worst Bit – 1.18 mins; The big spectacular action sequence where Hemsworth has to climb a mountain and assail the villains castle roof tops should be a thrilling stunt fest with hands over your eyes moments and fingernails dug into your armrest’s but it just isn’t – Diehard With A Vengeance this is not.
Little Secret – Charlize Theron was reportedly offered a lot less money to reprise her role in this film than Chris Hemsworth and she refused to sign on. Later the producers agreed that she was a big star and an International draw in her own right and raised her money up to $10 million for the movie exactly the same as what Chris got.
Movie Mistake – Normally we would point out the bloopers and continuation errors but there is something bigger here. He is great to look at but Hemsworth’s accent here hits like a badly cast BBC 70’s comedy. When they move North the characters go all Scottish and when they go West they go Welsh – no problem for Rob Brydon but his three side kicks come over more like Bonnie Tyler, Charlotte Church and Gareth Thomas with bad head colds.
Awards – Charlize and Jessica are massive award magnets but Chris is pure action man who will never get any gongs. The last film won nothing and nor will this except some Golden Rasberries for those accents.
Further Viewing – Game Of Thrones, Snow White & The Huntsman, Maleficent, Alice In Wonderland and all Disney’s revamped darker versions of former cartoon fairytales, Thor, The Lord Of The Rings and Hobbit trilogies and a million fantasy sword and dragon movies.
Any Good – Well you will certainly get your monies worth as a lot of that hundred mill is up there on the screen. It’s a decent Friday night out which won’t change your life. We just wonder if more Theron and some other male leads would have helped somewhat.
Rating – 76/100 (76th out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic ejaculatery heaven and 100 being as much fun as a long haul International flight next to a screaming baby whilst you are trying to concentrate on Thor The dark world.
The late Robin Williams is bank branch manager Nolan Mack. He’s literally just going through life’s motions – working at a bank, with a longtime wife (Kathy Baker) and a very sick father in the hospital. Then one late evening after visiting his father, he drives through a derelict part of town and almost runs over a young man, Leo (Roberto Aguire), who turns out to be a male prostitute. Nolan checks to make sure Leo is fine, then out of the blue, invites him to go to a motel. This chance meeting opens up something inside Nolan who perhaps realised but didn’t accept that he has feelings for other men. While his relationship with Leo becomes more involved and more complicated, Nolan starts giving Leo money and starts acting like a surrogate father. Their relationship is not sexual but it’s intimate. Nolan tries and tries to his hide his encounters with Leo from his wife and his best friend Winston (Bob Odenkirk), but as Nolan becomes more and more involved and emotionally tied to Leo, his wife suspects that something is going on. But eventually Nolan comes to the realisation that Leo does not feel the same way about him, but at this point it appears that Leo’s life will never be the same again.
Williams gives a delicate performance as the lonely and subdued Nolan. He’s a man whose conflicted, despondent and depressed until Leo comes into his life. Shot in 2013 in Nashville, Tennessee, Williams would eventually hang himself a year later. This story of a lonely and depressed man is eerily parallel to William’s life. Baker, known mostly for her parts on television, is very good as Nolan’s wife, who knows her 40-year marriage is slipping away and there’s nothing she can do to about it.
Aguire more than holds his own against seasoned veteran Williams, their scenes together are both calm and gentle.
Director Dito Montiel (2013’s Empire State) does a great job in getting great performances from his cast, with a good script by Douglas Soesbe. But it’s Williams performance that will stay with you for a long time as it’s one of his last, ever.
11 Things You Need To Know About Boulevard – Robin Williams’ last ever film… Posted by The Gay UK on Saturday, 9 April 2016
On a level of 1 – 10 we’re at a 22.5.
Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie reunites Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley as the iconic Edina and Patsy along with the rest of the original cast that includes Julia Sawalha as Saffy, Jane Horrocks as Bubble and June Whitfield as Mother.
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The film opens in UK cinemas July 1st, US 22nd July and Australia 11th August.
Nutshell – If ever there was a film that the less you know and see of it in advance it is this one. Is it a sequel to the original excellent Cloverfield ?… Well it’s in there somewhere, but with JJ Abrams in the background, who gave us 150 episodes of the ultimate spoiler friendly show Lost before Star Trek and the galaxy far far away there will always be more questions than answers. Part one is effectively Saw like then it hits full-blown Hitchcock for the tense 3 plus hander second section before the third part comes along which is a real barnstorming gobsmacker. Basically three people trapped in an underground bunker after an unknown possible Russian attack. Something for everyone then.
Time – 102 mins (and you won’t be able to take one minute more); Certificate – 15
Tagline – “Monsters Come In Many Forms” or do they !!!!!!!
THE GAY UK FACTOR – No gay angle and nothing really for your cock here so take your straight mates and have a night of quality brain food rather than ogling Messrs Hemsworth, Statham or Reynolds and forgetting the plot.
Cast – A tight team like a good stage play of John Goodman, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, John Gallagher Jr and oh there is a sex god in it with the voice of Bradley Cooper.
Key Player – Mary Elizabeth Winstead is so good here and just as well as she is in every scene. She is believable when vulnerable and can switch to funny or fight back mode in a second which happens a lot here. The film would have been bigger with a starrier cast though.
Budget – $15 million one of the lowest budget American films we have reviewed for a very long time but don’t worry this should make it into the English dictionary under ‘less is more’ and oh that climatic last act… So far it has made back 5 times its budget at $75 million and climbing now that’s a better investment than British Steel.
Best Bit – 40 mins; Well we couldn’t pick anything from the last act due to spoiling the twists for yourselves. At 40 mins Michelle sees the effects outside of the bunker for the first time creating more questions than answers and then gets trapped in an airlock between two evils.
Worst Bit – 30 mins; When the three in the bunker start to let their hair down and relax, have fun and tick the days off from their forced ‘two year’ confinement all to the poppy tune Tell Him by the Exciters. They should have used Bette Midler’s version. It lets up the tension probably necessarily but us gay guys love a full on thrill ride with no brakes.
Little Secret – The petrol station in the film is not Esso or Shell but Kelvin the same as in JJ’s Super 8. It is a tribute to Abram’s maternal grandfather and he puts it in all his projects; In Mission Impossible it is on a letter, in Star Trek the ship is called the USS Kelvin etc etc and we know where it is in Star Wars The Force Awakens but we will let you find that for yourselves – it’s a doozey ! JJ describes this film as the ‘Blood Relative’ of the original movie and in the future they will be linked together in a whole Cloverfield universe with other movies he hopes to make which will be tough as the first one is hand-held camera footage and this is standard filmed action from beyond the fourth wall that we are used too.
Movie Mistake – There are so many mysteries in this film that you are not sure what is a film mistake and what is deliberate to keep the questions flying around. Should the blood on the ring from the dead girl some years ago be still wet, the appearing and disappearing bandage on Goodman’s leg is it a mistake or the passage of time and the change of daytime to night in the ‘farmhouse’ scene was it deliberate. What is wrong is the ease that a character gets radio messages in one scene but not for the rest of the movie and oh that ever-changing size of spaghetti. Where was the continuity boy, probably off set blowing someone to try and get a walk on part.
Awards – Not for this one but it will boost Winstead’s career immensely and it is great to have Goodman back. JJ Abrams is probably working on Cloverfield 3 which we will probably get before his next Star Wars outing.
Further Viewing – Cloverfield, Room, All 53 of Alfred Hitchcocks, Saw’s 1-6, Sleuth and The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Also Metal Hurlant Chronicles: Shelter Me which has the same plot and even the same character name, and series two of Lost where a guy is staying in a bunker fearing outside contamination with the same end results so now JJ is recycling his own plots and we are starting to feel as though we are trapped in a time-warp on an island with a smoke monster and some polar bears.
Any Good – If you want a great thriller that is not like anything you have ever seen before although in many ways is this is for you. A great change from all the blockbusters and superheroes but fans of those will appreciate this too. A lot of great talent is behind this film and as the budget is so low these creative genius’ are free to let their hair down and have fun with the story, its set-up and pay-off. Most of all it is so so tense and you will be gripping the arm of your seat so tightly as if you have just got a hold of Channing Tatum’s bulging ‘Magic Mike‘ for the very first time.
Rating 54/100 (54th out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic ejaculatery heaven and 100 being as much fun as watching a winner of the Voice’s mega successful chart career)
Nutshell – For once all the opinions and advance reviews are spot on. It is overlong, extremely confusing and although fine just not as good as you want it to be. DC comics set out to do a Marvel ‘Avengers’ and launch a huge network of films off the back of this movie which features no fewer than 7 separate superheroes all due their own films with an incredible 10 movies depending on this one’s success. Following directly on from ‘Superman’s’ Man Of Steel movie the two main protagonists both believe the other is simply plain bad news for planet earth and set out to make Metropolis or Gotham one superhero lighter. Legendary Superman baddie Lex Luther really starts screwing things up along the way and Supes has his usual love interest Lois Lane but Batman does not and in all that tight leather one starts to suspect he bat’s for our team.
Time – Holy bat haemorrhoid’s a ring punishing 151 mins; Certificate – 12A so no real violence here
Tagline – “Who Will Win” or ” The World’s finest have arrived” take your pick
THE GAY UK FACTOR – If you are into leather there is a tonne of it, tight spandex with bulges even more. Henry Cavill was recently voted fourth sexiest man on the planet and here we see him climbing into the bath-tub with a naked Lois Lane but he keeps he clothes on – damn you kid friendly cinema ratings we were hoping for the Cavill cock or at least an ass shot.
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Cast – Four Oscar winners all running on automatic here. Ben Affleck as the Bat has two statuettes but not for his acting, Kevin Costner, Holly Hunter & Jeremy Irons won’t get more awards here. Henry Cavill probably the worst actor on the planet not called Sam Worthington, Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network) with all the best lines like a good baddie should have, Amy Adams (Enchanted) as Lois Lane & Laurence Fishburne (The Matrix)
Key Player – Gal Gadot, fresh from lighting up all the best Fast and Furious films this Israeli actress and super model only has 16 lines but Dame Judi Dench style steals the whole movie from the guys and when she turns up as Wonder Woman at one point one of the new franchises to be going forward the movie truly flies.
Budget – $250 million one of the biggest budgets in movie history and at least you can say the majority of it is up on the screen. A few less characters and therefore less paycheques would have made a better more coherent film. It has made $170 million so far so looking OK in a sort of Waterworld way where it makes money but due to expectations everyone sees as a flop
ALSO READ: Someone just made the Batman V Superman trailer gay and we love it.
ALSO READ: Homophobe calls himself Batman before exposing his penis.
Best Bit – 1.58 mins; When at last the two superheroes meet and start to duke it out so that they can save the life of another major character orchestrated by Luther. The idea that Batman with his earthly powers does not stand a chance against the alien strength of the world spinning Superman should be a problem but oh no this is a fair fight when who wins is always in doubt and keeps you on the edge of your seat.
Worst Bit – 49 mins; When Wonder Woman breaks into lex Luther’s computer and discovers a handful of other superheroes such as The Flash, Cyborg and Aquaman all with their movie franchises to come but it’s when this film really starts to get unnecessarily confusing – one film at a time please guys. They are all due to form a part of the legendary Justice League hence the subtitle here ‘Dawn Of Justice’
Little Secret – Ben Affleck stated in a interview that he had asked if he could have the batsuit when filming was complete. The producers said yes, but that he would have to pay $100,000 in order to keep it. Affleck quickly changed his mind and asked if he could just take a picture with it instead. This is the first Batman film ever to be released outside of the lucrative Summer blockbuster period and the first to be filmed in 3D. Matt Damon, Joachin Phoenix and Bradley Cooper were all sought for the Lex Luther part. This is the 10th Batman film in 75 years but the 16th for Superman.
Movie Mistake – Quite a few we could mention the ever changing coffin lid at a key funeral, the movie script pinned to Clark Kent’s suit when he climbs into the bath etc but there is such a major goof that it just jars. After the two heroes have a very long nasty bone crunching fight where Batman’s cowl is smashed; the bat then flies off to beat up another bunch of thugs without any evidence of muscle strain! But what’s this? – The Bat is in a completely different batsuit and with no broken cowl yet only a couple of minutes had passed and in that time he had to get from Gotham to Metropolis as well – now that’s super powers or just truly crap continuity.
Someone at the Daily Planet needs to check the spelling of the word ‘Mourning’ too.
Awards – Maybe for effects, stunts and technical teams and Golden Raspberries for poor acting from Affleck and especially Cavill and maybe for director Zach Snyder who spent all that cash on a 3 star film and who certainly needs to find a decent editor to cut some scenes out.
Zach you are risking 10 movies here on a gamble you may have lost.
Further Viewing – Man Of Steel, The Dark Knight, Avengers Assemble, Alien V Predator, Iron Man 3 & Captain America Winter Soldier the best comic book movies and the recently released Gay porn parody of Batman V Superman from Men.com where Supe’s injects some serious kryptonite into a doubled over gaping bat hole or bat cave as it were… oh we mean ass!
Any Good – Well it is fine, no better no worse, you won’t be asking for your money back and you will probably check out all the MANY films that will follow from this, in fact most of it’s problems stem from the fact that it is trying to set up a whole cinematic universe that will run and run for a decade rather than concentrating on this plot. Affleck is fine and although no Christian Bale, is worthy to continue in the black cape whereas Henry Cavill who is actually a Brit is at least very easy on the eye and gets to wear the tightest gear; He wants Bond but please Mrs Broccoli please don’t do it. The action is fine without being memorable, the early part is clever picking up from the previous Man Of steel film neatly and as for that solo Wonder Woman project well that can come as soon as it wants.
Rating – 72/100 (72nd out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic ejaculatery heaven and 100 being as much fun as watching The Green Lantern film in a double bill with the stinking Fantastic Four movie in wet underpants and an overtight cock ring.
★★★★
Nutshell
This is a very adult comedy action spy movie rather than a spoof which we have seen before. A chav footie hooligan (Cohen) finds his long lost brother who is the UK’s top secret agent/assassin. After wrecking his latest operation they both go on the run across Africa and South America in an attempt to save the world from destruction by shoving things up their asses, sucking each others bollocks and getting covered in a lot of ejaculate. Very funny and very rude and mega sexy Mark Strong stops Armageddon with a dildo up the chuff so what is there not to like.
Time
A tight jam packed 83 mins; Certificate – 15
Tagline
“MI6 Has a Brand New Tool” or “One Secret Agent, One Complete Idiot”
THE GAY UK FACTOR
Mark Strong the thinking man’s Jason Stathan get’s covered in cum not once but twice and this ain’t gay porn is he trying to tell us something.
Cast
Sascha Baron Cohen, Mark Strong, Rebel Wilson, Sacha’s wife as always in his movies Isla Fisher, Benidorm’s very own Johnny Vegas, Ian McShane (Lovejoy), Ricky Tomlinson from The Royle Family and Cold Feet’s own John Thomson and many other cameos plus two Oscar nominated actresses in Penelope Cruz and Gabourey Sidibe.
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Key Player
Like with Borat, Bruno, Ali G, The Dictator etc this is Sacha’s show period. If you like his humour you are quids in if not then give it a miss. He goes a bit over the top here with a 90 minute Liam Gallagher impersonation which does not really hit the mark but not only acts, he is in charge of the screenplay, his misses is the leading actress and other family members take charge of things like music and so on.
Budget
$35 million likely to gross just over 20 million – oh dear so not a Borat size hit then – trouble is for the International market is it is SO English – Jokes about Manchester United fans for example ?
Best Bit
0.48mins; Whilst escaping from a gang of gun toting thugs the brothers have to find a quick place to hide in the middle of the African bush. We won’t tell you what happens but it is one of those scenes that the whole film will get remembered for like Sharon’s snatch in Basic Instinct, the orgasm scene in When Harry Met Sally or ‘I am your father’ from Empire Strikes Back, yes it is that legendary a sequence.
Worst Bit
26 mins; Sascha Baron-Cohen sucks poison from Mark Strong’s bollocks for a very very long time in front of Grimsby Town footie fans.
Little Secret
None of the film was shot in the Lincolnshire fishing port of the title as the film crew never went further north than Essex. All the ‘Benefit Street’ type look that was used for the Grimsby scenes were planted around Grays and other Essex estates massively to the chagrin of the folks of Grimsby who feel as though they have been misrepresented. Cohen did visit Grimsby for research but thought the town that has appeared in such movies as Atonement was not right for this one, or maybe he got scared.
Movie Mistake
So many bearing in mind the above filming location switcheroo. The very opening scene involving the purchase of a mattress supposedly in Grimsby town centre is then wheeled on a trolley passed many signs saying Grays which is in Essex 5 counties away which is one very long walk akin to a Sports Relief charity fundraiser. Then there is the Essex train station and so it goes on.
Awards
Not a chance in hell but wasn’t made for that purpose purely to provide a bunch of belly laughs to the Cohen faithful of the last two decades who won’t be disappointed.
Further viewing
The Dictator, Ali G The Movie, Kinsgman of the secret service, Spy, The Life of Bryan and anything by the South Park lads
Any Good
Definitely if you like Sacha’s output you will laugh out loud repeatedly. If you are not in the right mood you may find the whole thing a course James Bond lite farce with knob jokes and Cohen just doing his usual schtick. His character is pretty unloveable and probably his most hard to like to date but Mark Strong is a great straight man and the supporting cast he has put together is top notch. We are not expecting a sequel but if they did make one we would be there for sure.
RATING
68/100 (68th place out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic Heaven and 100 being as much fun as a Matt LeBlanc presenting a British car show outside the Centotaph).