THEGAYUK

Tag: My Big Gay Time Machine

Welcome to the archives of the column, My Big Gay Time Machine

  • Dear The Real Me: You need to let go of the past

    Dear The Real Me: You need to let go of the past

    Dear The Real Me… You need to let go of past baggage.

    Skitterphoto / Pixabay

    Dear The Real Me,

    A lot has been said to you by a selection of men over the years. There have been a lot of hellos, and even more goodbyes. There have been hours upon end of conversation before days, weeks, or even months of torturous silence. You have been compared to songs with backhanded compliments. You have had your strengths praised – your altruism admired – only for these strengths to seemingly become your relationship kryptonite in the long run. There have been promises of forever. There have been I Love You’s galore. Yet, somehow what always seems to stick the most are the things that are said about you and to you. Why is this, you ask? Because you still – even after twenty-eight years – care far too much about what other people might think about you.

    Look at you now, for example – you’re happy, with a man who loves you, in a job you enjoy, in a flat that is … Spacious? However, you still hold on to all of these words from others as if they are scars upon your skin. The tough love of this situation is that you have to grow up, move on, and let go – and the sooner the better. The thing is, the longer you’re holding on to all of this past life baggage, the more it is affecting your current life in the meantime. There’s a reason you’re only allowed one item of hand luggage on the plane – too much baggage and it can take the whole thing down. Worse still you’ve had this happen before, and god knows you don’t want it to be the situation this time.

    Now, I don’t suggest you stop taking on these words just because others have weighed you down in the past. You just need to shred the old to make room for the new; there are a lot of words being said right now that will mean a lot more to you in the years to come than these old words mean to you right now. Listen to him and look at how far you’ve come – look at it all, the big picture, in widescreen, and HD (4K and all).

    You should have grown past those old words by now, and there’s no one but yourself holding you back from doing that. Listen to those new words and remember the journey you’ve been on; remember those bullies, remember coming out, remember each start and each end, and remember that you are a part of something real right now. These are the things you should be holding on to, not the old words that once felt like they were branded into your flesh. To quote (and possibly paraphrase) The Help, “You is smart. You is beautiful. You is special.” Learn to obsess over this. Or at least try, okay?

    It’s a moment of tough love but listen to me, or at least Latrice Royale with the 5Gs … and Good God Girl, Get a Grip. Realise what you’ve accomplished. Realise what you are. Realise what you have, and live for that.

    Love from,

    You (Hoping to soon be just as real as you.)

  • Dear Hopeful Me… Here’s what you need to know about your first love

    Here’s what first love can feel like

    Dear Hopeful Me,

    Now that you’ve accepted which gender you happen to be attracted to, it’s only a matter of time before that four-letter-word starts playing a more serious part in your life. You’ve spent a while pretending that you don’t believe in Love, mostly because your darn low self-esteem has managed to convince you that you’ll never be worthy of it – but it’s coming, and I feel like you ought to know a little about how it’s going to go.

    The first time it hits you it is going to hit you hard and fast. It will follow you home from the club, show its head on some – few and far between – dates, and most certainly be present through the hour-long phone calls night to night. At this point, it’s going to be confusing and terrifying all at the same time, but you’re going to be feeling too happy in the moment to care about this, so you’ll dive in head first. He’ll say it first, and you’ll say it right back – and then you’ll make a habit of saying it as often as possible to ensure he’s still saying it back, right up until he doesn’t that is.

    That’s the first Love, and it’s a bitch – it will break you and hurt you.

    You’ll spend a long time after that Love living like a wounded animal, you’ll limp from day to day simply hoping that something might change. To steal some wisdom from Cat Stevens, “The first cut is the deepest”, and this has never been truer than when it comes to Love.

    Just hold on, Kiddo, you see, the truth is that Love isn’t a once in a lifetime affair – who knows how many times you might experience it in your life, but I can tell you right now that it’s definitely not just the once for you.

    It might take a while to find someone you can trust again, someone who doesn’t mind the scars and the tears in your trust. But believe me, you’ll find him, and he just happens to be well worth the wait.

    There are always going to be outside influences on your Love, PDA will never be as easy as it should be, and sometimes even holding hands might feel like a risk – thanks a lot, 2016 – but those are all the little things that you quickly realise don’t matter at all. You just have to trust your heart on this one – don’t listen to the head and all the overrun thoughts that might plague you. You are worthy of Love. You are entitled to Love. You deserve a happy future – maybe even with a diamond ring, a picket fence, and a few kids if that’s what you choose. Being Gay doesn’t change this – which is definitely something to keep in mind after that first love breaks you.

    You are worthy of Love. You are entitled to Love. You deserve a happy future – maybe even with a diamond ring, a picket fence, and a few kids if that’s what you choose. Being Gay doesn’t change this – which is definitely something to keep in mind after that first love breaks you.

    You are entitled to Love. You deserve a happy future – maybe even with a diamond ring, a picket fence, and a few kids if that’s what you choose. Being Gay doesn’t change this – which is definitely something to keep in mind after that first love breaks you.

    You deserve a happy future – maybe even with a diamond ring, a picket fence, and a few kids if that’s what you choose. Being Gay doesn’t change this – which is definitely something to keep in mind after that first love breaks you.

    Being Gay doesn’t change this – which is definitely something to keep in mind after that first love breaks you.

    It’s hard to know when you find The One – in fact; everyone might feel like The One to you at times, but that’s when you really have no choice but to dive in headfirst. At the end of the day, Love might hurt you, but it’s nothing to be afraid of.

    If it’s now or never, make it now.

    Sincerely,
    Twenty-Five Year Old (Loved, Unloved, and Loved Again) You

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • Dear Unloved Me … What Advice Would You Give The Pre-First-Love You?

    If you could go back before you fell in love for the first time, what would you tell yourself?

    Dear Unloved Me,

    This is a difficult one to cover. Ideally, I want to reveal what I wish I’d known before I fell in love for the very first time. I guess if that love had have lasted this wouldn’t be difficult to write at all. We’ve all heard it before; it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. You might not believe this yet, but it is true – well kind of, at least.

    You’re going to learn a lot from that first love, kiddo. First of all, you’re going to realise quite suddenly how quickly you can fall, and it’s a hard fall. (The landing isn’t what we’re concentrating on here – that’s a letter all of its own, unfortunately.) But the fall, oh the fall, it’s terrifying and exciting all at once. Prepare yourself to feel an entire rollercoaster of emotions on an almost daily basis.

    This love itself isn’t going to start in the traditional fairy tale manner you’re expecting, so there will be little warning before it hits you like a wall. Really, my only advice for you while you’re at this stage, is to enjoy it. Go with the flow and roll with the punches. It’s the first time so it’s not going to be the smoothest for you, but that’s okay because you’re learning.

    Another thing you’ll learn over time is that the amount of love you give out isn’t always the same as the amount you receive back. It’s not got its own patented return system, sadly. This is made all the worse due to the amount of time you considered yourself unworthy of love. It was a ridiculous belief – of course – but it still plagued you for a solid twenty years of your life, so you’re going to have to expect some repercussions from that. You’re going to lose it a little bit, terrified that if you don’t convince someone you love them just enough they’ll turn and leave with no warning.

    Because of this, you’re also going to lose a little self-worth. Far too quickly your own happiness will rely on the actions of another. Here’s some advice on that matter – and I mean this with the most sincerity – stop. You can’t place all of your chips on one bet – well you can, but it’s a foolish decision with so many variables. What I mean is that it’s not fair on you, and it’s not fair to him to expect him alone to make you happy. You can’t fall for someone and live as though they’re the only thing in the world – or even the only thing in your world – that really matters. Don’t lose yourself for someone else, because that isn’t love at all. Love would never require you to do such a thing – it makes you more of a person, not less.

    You’ve spent a solid chunk of your life watching romantic comedies that have convinced you that a mid-story struggle is to be expected. This is the part where you have to prove your love with a ten-minute monologue, a bare-knuckle fight, or perhaps a church hall dance off. In your own version of events, this is going to be a prolonged up and down of emotions, a hell of a lot of radio silence, and a handful of broken promises. It’s not romantic. It’s not sweet. It’s not fair. Erase these movie scenes from your mind, and ignore every Taylor Swift lyric that works to convince you that anything worthwhile is worth a fight. While my advice for the first stage of this love was to go with the flow, this is where you really need to wake up and pay attention.

    This love is going to royally throw you in the deep end. As I mentioned, you’ll fall fast and hard, and hopefully, that will never be a part of how you love that changes. It’s the middle and the end of this love that you really have to learn from. Giving someone your everything doesn’t guarantee that you’ll receive this back. You don’t have to fight to feel worthy of someone’s love. And perhaps most importantly, a love should never destroy you more than it can rebuild you.

    Don’t lose yourself in love – not in this one, or any other – so much that you’ll struggle to find yourself again. It’s an interesting one that’s coming up, so enjoy the ride for as long as you can, but make sure you know when to get off.

    Kind Regards,

    The Loved, Unloved, and Loved Again You

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • Dear Innocent-Me… What warnings, or advice, would you give your past self on the delightful world of gay dating apps?

    Dear Innocent-Me… What warnings, or advice, would you give your past self on the delightful world of gay dating apps?

    Embed from Getty Images

    Dear Innocent Me,

    I’m going to jump right into this one, partly because I have a word-count to stick to, but also because it’s a pretty important point that I need to discuss with you this time. One of the best parts of having a big gay time machine to contact my younger self through is knowing that I can potentially stop you from making some big mistakes. One way you’re going to make mistakes in the near future is through the fabulous world of mobile dating apps, so listen up, kiddo – it’s about to get real.

    Firstly, even at the age of 25 I’m still somehow

    the naive gay who sees them as Dating Apps – maybe it’s all the musicals, or Julia Roberts movies I’ve seen, that have convinced me love comes first and always wins in the end. However, here’s the truth, a lot of -and perhaps most – guys don’t view or use these apps in this way. For a lot of guys these apps are more about hooking up than they are about dating, and they’re more about sex than they are about love. This will cause some confusion, and a fair bit of wasted time, in conversations you have with guys you envisage as possible suiters. Yes, there will be those guys who are upfront about it from the get go; they’ll ask for pics, or they’ll send pics, or you’ll be greeted with the stunningly eloquent opening question that is, “top or bttm?” You’ll get used to these guys, and you will even get used to explaining that you’re after a little more than they are. It’s the others that really breed confusion – the ones who talk like they want more, staying full Dr Jeckyll until the night hits and Mr Hyde emerges. Let’s cut to the chase, don’t fall for these guys.

    Secondly, remember to always put safety first. Of course, this comes into play just as much in the bedroom as it does on the apps, but I’m referring to the latter now. Avoid being too open and vulnerable on these Apps, maybe even to the extent of not showing your face in your profile picture – it will definitely help to avoid unplanned chance meetings, after all. Other than that it’s all the usual points, no addresses, of course no banking information, and no deep dark confessions to that faceless torso with glistening abs.

    When it gets to the real world part, which it will on more than a few occasions, listen to what your parents have always told you. Strangers = Dangers. Meet in a public, well lit place – and make sure there are people who know your exact plans, that you keep them updated on all the while, of course. There are going to be couple times you don’t follow these rules and you’re pretty lucky nothing bad actually happens, but just FYI they’re super awkward encounters and not worth all of the risk and worry at all.

    Finally, don’t fall for anyone before actually meeting them – this even goes for the good ones you might find. You’re going to do it, and you’re going to feel stupid. At the end of the day dating apps are like Facebook or any other kind of social media, people show what they want you to see, and hide what they don’t. You can’t fall for a concept of a man.

    Yours sincerely,

    Twenty-Five Year Old (Somewhat Regretful) You

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • Dear Closeted-Me… What would you tell your closeted self before you came out?

    What would you tell your closeted self before you came out if you had the chance?

    However you decided to come out… “It will all be okay in the end”

    Dear Closeted-Me,

    This is a difficult letter to write; not because I don’t know what to say – future you always knows what to say – rather because I know how scared and lost you are feeling right now. At the moment you’re at the very end of a long and dark tunnel, the light is just ahead of you, tauntingly close, yet terrifyingly far. Yet, I’m here, surrounded by many LGBT brothers and sisters who have been exactly where you are right now, and Neil Patrick Harris, Ellen DeGeneres, and I, would like to chorus you with another message of “It will all be okay in the end”.

    The fact of the matter is that you’ve already been through the hardest part of this journey. You’ve done all the leg-work – figuring out who you are, hiding who you are, and accepting who you are, all being key steps along the way. Now you’re finding yourself at the final step, and it’s potentially the biggest, the Neil Armstrong of steps if you will.

    Coming Out can feel terrifying. It’s like there’s a bomb formed of glitter, and rainbows, and pride waiting to go off inside of you. As fun as that bomb might sound, you’re probably going to struggle to get past the fact that it’s still a bomb in its truest form – and bombs have a fairly sturdy reputation of ruining things. You’re going to be scared that this truth is going to destroy well-formed friendships and tear apart your family, I mean, we’ve all heard the unfortunate stories, after all.

    Thankfully those stories seem fewer and further between one another nowadays, it is 2016 after all, so anyone who does have an issue with absolutely anyone coming out can jump right back up into their own arsehole where that opinion belongs – and you can feel free to send them my way if you want me to tell them that myself.

    Still, it’s a worrisome, tiring, and anxiety-filled time for you so let’s get right back to the point that there is nothing to be afraid of. A big point of advice, stop fretting so much about how you do it. Trust me, you’re the only one who thinks it will matter if people get the News through a letter, an open status, or a big gay rainbow cake. Just find a way that enables you to remain comfortable and in control, and go for it.

    Sure, you might not want to take advice from someone who came out via a very subtle post-it note, but that’s your decision.

    I found the least scary way to do it for myself and I did it because that is exactly where I was at that point. Also, never forget that this is all for you. This is your truth, and your life, so it is up to you entirely how you do it, when you do it, and how many people you do it to (pun intended).

    You might come out to everyone at once, or a few people at a time, hell, there might even be some people you never come out to.

    Remember, however, you want to do it, it’s fine – and it really will all be okay in the end.

    Welcome to the team, kid.

    Sincerely,

    Twenty-Five Year Old You, Ellen, and Neil
    (But really just you.)

  • Dear 13-year-old me… What would you say to your 13-year-old self?

    What would you say to your 13-year-old self if you had the chance?

    CREDIT: bigstock-soupstock
    CREDIT: bigstock-soupstock

    Dear Thirteen-Year-Old Me,

    There is potentially never a more shaping time in ones life than the torturous years of teenagehood. If 80’s movies have taught me anything it’s that everyone deserves their very own coming of age story. Ideally we’d all get our own Molly Ringwald moments as a teenager – we’d kiss over cake, or bond through detention, or maybe we’d own our very own collection of questionably embellished bowler hats. However, being Molly Ringwald isn’t as easy as it seems, in fact for most of us – especially when we identify as part of the LGBT community – we rarely happen to get the teenage coming of age story we truly deserve.

    I understand you are currently struggling through your very own version of hell on earth – minus all of the actual flames, of course. You’re struggling with your sexuality like so many have before you, and I am writing to warn you of what is to come. You’ll soon be entering the second stage of your senior school career. The first stage was realising that you might, actually, possibly, be kind of gay. Next you are going to spend a long time hoping – and literally praying – that you aren’t, a fairly wasted effort when everyone else already seems so certain that you are. Then, for an even longer time, you are going to play one of the least convincing roles ever, the role of a straight boy. Seriously, the time that you played Mayor’s Assistant #1 in your year six production of Rocky Horror was more convincing – and that wasn’t even a real role.

    Throughout all of these stages one thing will remain present and consistent all the way, and that is how alone and isolated you will feel. You’ll believe that no one else has ever felt, or worried, or been bullied the same way ever before, and this is most definitely not the case.

    Hindsight is honestly 20/20, much like it’s a cold-hearted bitch, but I’ve learnt a lot since my teenage years, so allow me to bestow some wisdom onto you – you awkward and quiet baby gay.

    Firstly, It gets better, you’ll no doubt hear this a million times throughout your life, but that makes it no less true. Year on year since coming out I have personally found life has kept getting better for me, so by no means assume that where you are now is where you’ll be forever. I don’t want to fall into the rhythm of a long-winded and overtly rambled speech on the importance of being oneself – especially when it can all too often feel like the entire world is pushing against you to be someone else. However, please try to be you. Closed-minded people will always find issues with change and difference – and while we may know that whom we love makes absolutely no difference to who we are as people, those kinds of bigots will always struggle to understand that. Trust me, in the long run you’re going to regret pretending to be someone else much more than you could ever regret being true to yourself.

    When it comes to the actual bullies I’m going to borrow a few words from the founder of TheGayUK, Jake Hook, have “the bravery to confront them,” know “that when you push back that bullies rarely know how to respond and once you’ve taken away the power of their words they get bored and move on.”

    I think he, like many other members of the LGBT community, would agree with me when I say, “Screw the haters, be proud and be brave”.

    One final thing, remember you’re not alone. You are a part of a huge, loud and supportive community that all know exactly what you’re going through because most of them have already been there themselves.

    You’ll be okay. You’ll be fine. You’ll be grand. You’ll be gay.

    Sincerely,

    Twenty-Five Year Old You