National Coming Out Day is an important part of the LGBT+ calendar and it takes place in the middle of October.
National Coming Out Day was first celebrated in 1988 and aims to bring awareness the how gay, lesbian, bi and transgender people often have to navigate the tricky process of coming out to the people around them.
Of course, many LGBT+ people face multiple coming outs over their lifetimes.
Coming out is a process by which LGBT+ people tell co-workers, schoolmates, family or friends that they are non-heterosexual.
It was first celebrated or marked in the USA 1988 by Robert Eichberg and Jean O’Leary and the official logo was created by artist, Keith Haring. Since its inauguration, the day has become widely celebrated outside of the US.
The monumental event known as “The Great March” was the Second National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights, which unfolded in Washington, D.C., on October 11, 1987, which was a decade after the first one.
This rally achieved remarkable success in terms of attendance, scale, and historical significance. Notably, it served as a pivotal moment for the national visibility of ACT UP, with prominent involvement from AIDS activists in the primary march. Additionally, it garnered widespread attention the following day due to large-scale acts of civil disobedience staged at the United States Supreme Court Building.
In 2023 National Coming Out Day takes place on the 11th of October 2023, which is a Wednesday.
The rainbow flag was first designed and unveiled in 1978 by San Francisco artist, Gilbert Baker, who sadly passed away in 2017.
Speaking about the rainbow as a symbol for LGBT+ people Gilbert Baker said,
“There was no other international symbol for [the LGBT+ community] than the pink triangle which the Nazis used to identify homosexuals in concentration camps,
“Even though the pink triangle was and still is a very powerful symbol, it was very much forced upon us”.
Can you buy coming-out gifts?
If someone you know has gone through the process of coming out, you can always acknowledge their journey with a congratulations on coming out card or even a small coming out gift, as a gesture of your appreciation of their journey.
Having always been a fan of reading, I navigated my way through my teenage years by devouring as much gay fiction as I could. It made me feel affirmed and like I belonged. It’s always good to know it’s not just you.
Here are my top ten “coming out” novels:
Maurice
Maurice by E.M. Forster: This is one of the original classic gay novels. Written around the time of War World I, it’s never going to be smooth sailing when Maurice discovers that he’s gay in a world where homosexuality is illegal and considered a perversion. It’s a beautiful story, though, with some gripping moments.
A Boy’s Own Story
A Boy’s Own Story by Edmund White: This literary masterpiece from 1986 outlines the coming of age of a young gay man in a tender and well-written account. The writing is lyrical and moving with an evocative and fascinating story.
Running With Scissors
Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs: This is a coming-out story with a difference. Burroughs’ childhood was far from usual. He grew up with an alcoholic father and a mentally ill mother, ended up being adopted by his mother’s psychiatrist and his eccentric family and had a relationship with a 33-year man whilst in his early teens. Memoirs don’t get much more compelling, brutal or funnier than this one, thanks to Burroughs’ comical take on his life
Sucking Sherbet Lemons
Sucking Sherbet Lemons: by Michael Carson: Young Martin Benson is a teenage boy who’s gradually coming to terms with being gay in a predominately Irish Catholic community in the late 1950s and early 1960s. It’s a humorous and touching book about a boy’s dilemma between the joys of discovering gay sex and the guilt instilled in him by a religion that labels him as sinful. It is also the first of a trilogy which goes on to follow Benson as he navigates his way through life.
Fifty Ways Of Saying Fabulous
Fifty Ways of Saying Fabulous: by Graeme Aitken: Billy is a young boy living on a farm in New Zealand. He’s not quite cut out for farm life and spends his time imagining he’s Judy from “Lost in Space”, fumbling with a friend and lusting after the 19-year-old farmhand. It’s a very funny and entertaining read.
Someday This Pain Will Be Useful To YOu
Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You by Peter Cameron: James is a misfit and in discord with his surroundings and fractured family. Caught in limbo between leaving school and starting university he feels adrift. His psychiatrist is driving him more insane and his crush on a co-worker is getting more than he can manage. This is an above-average account of the pain and confusion that sometimes accompanies being a teenager.
Mysterious Skin
Mysterious Skin by Scott Heim: This is a dark and at times disturbing read. It’s a coming-of-age novel but with a twist. Brian is a guileless innocent and forges an unlikely friendship with a savvy cynic and part-time male prostitute, Neil. The novel is fast-paced and at times shocking as the two move towards a conclusion which causes Brian and Neil to re-evaluate their shared past. Mysterious Skin has also been made into a movie which TheGayUK has reviewed
A Home At The End Of The World
A Home at the End of the World by Michael Cunningham: Pulitzer Prize winner Cunningham has created a moving account of the extraordinary situation in which Bobby, Claire and Jonathan, three friends and lovers find themselves in. The book explores how people manage to find a place for themselves and is an accomplished piece of work.
How I Paid For College
How I Paid for College by Marc Acito: This camp tale is reminiscent of a 1980s teen movie but with a musical theatre-loving cast of misfits and a gay main character. It’s a light and funny book with lots of tongue-in-cheek moments and an amusing storyline.
Terre Haute
Terre Haute by Will Aitken: Jared is the son of a wealthy family growing up in Indiana who happens to fancy boys. He’s sly, manipulative and cunning and has a predatory nature. When he enters into a relationship with an older man he quickly gains the upper hand. This is a moody, erotic tale which is really compelling to read but also makes the reader wince a little. Jared is definitely an anti-hero with a difference.
Happy reading people.
This article was first published in September 2012.
Determining if you’re gay or not can be a personal and sometimes complex process.
Table of Contents
Here’s how you can determine if you’re gay or not
However, here are a few things you can consider as you explore your sexuality:
Examine your attractions: Take note of who you are attracted to and who you find yourself thinking about romantically and/or sexually. Do you find yourself attracted to people of the same gender as you?
Explore your feelings: Consider your emotions and how you feel about your attractions. Are you comfortable with them, or do they make you feel confused or uncomfortable?
Reflect on your experiences: Think about your past and current romantic and/or sexual experiences. Have you had feelings for someone of the same gender, or have you ever acted on those feelings?
Avoid stereotypes: Don’t rely on stereotypes or assumptions about what it means to be gay or straight. Everyone’s experiences and feelings are unique.
It’s important to remember that there is no rush to label yourself, and your sexual orientation can be fluid and change over time. Ultimately, it’s up to you to determine what feels right and true for yourself. If you’re struggling to understand your feelings, it might be helpful to talk to a therapist or a trusted friend or family member.
Do gay people suffer in the UK?
Like in any country, the experiences of LGBT+ people in the UK can vary depending on a range of factors such as their location, age, cultural background, and individual circumstances. While there have been significant legal advances for LGBT+ rights in the UK, discrimination and violence against LGBT+ individuals still occur.
The UK has made significant progress in terms of legal protections for LGBT+ people. Same-sex marriage has been legal in England, Scotland, and Wales since 2014, and Northern Ireland legalized same-sex marriage in 2020. Discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation is illegal in employment, education, and the provision of goods and services. Transgender people in the UK have legal protections under the Gender Recognition Act of 2004, which allows them to change their legal gender.
However, despite these legal protections, some LGBT+ people in the UK still face discrimination, harassment, and violence. Hate crimes against LGBT+ individuals have been on the rise in recent years. According to Stonewall, a leading LGBT+ rights charity in the UK, one in five LGBT+ people has experienced a hate crime or incident in the past year.
Moreover, research has shown that LGBT+ individuals in the UK are more likely to experience mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. This can be attributed to a range of factors including discrimination, stigma, and social isolation.
In summary, while there have been significant legal advances for LGBT+ rights in the UK, discrimination and violence against LGBT+ individuals still exist, and many LGBT+ people in the UK continue to face unique challenges and struggles.
No, you do not have to like anal sex if you are gay. Sexual preferences and desires are unique to each individual, regardless of their sexual orientation. Some gay men enjoy anal sex, while others do not, and that is completely normal and acceptable. It’s important to remember that sexual activity should always be consensual and based on what feels comfortable and enjoyable for all parties involved. Communication with sexual partners is key to ensuring that everyone’s needs and boundaries are respected. If you are unsure about what you like or don’t like, or if you are experiencing discomfort or pain during sexual activity, it may be helpful to talk to a healthcare provider or a sex therapist for guidance and advice. Ultimately, the most important thing is to prioritize your own well-being and pleasure in sexual experiences, regardless of whether or not they include anal sex.
Do I Have to tell my family if I’m gay?
The decision to come out as gay is a deeply personal one, and it’s ultimately up to you to decide whether or not to share this information with your family. Coming out can be a difficult and emotional process, and it’s important to consider your own safety and well-being as well as the potential impact that coming out might have on your relationships with your family members.
While coming out can be a positive experience for some, it’s important to remember that not everyone will react positively or supportively. Some families may struggle to accept their loved one’s sexuality due to deeply held beliefs or cultural attitudes, which can lead to difficult conversations or strained relationships. It’s important to be prepared for a range of possible reactions and to prioritize your own safety and well-being.
If you do decide to come out to your family, consider starting with a trusted family member or friend who you believe will be supportive. This can provide you with a support system as you navigate the process of coming out and potentially help you prepare for conversations with family members who may be less supportive.
Remember that there is no one right way to come out, and the timing and approach will depend on your individual circumstances. You may want to seek out support from a therapist, a support group, or an LGBT+ organization as you navigate this process. Ultimately, the decision to come out is a personal one, and it’s important to prioritize your own safety and well-being.
National Coming Out Day is an important part of the LGBT+ calendar and it takes place in the middle of October.
National Coming Out Day was first celebrated in 1988 and aims to bring awareness the how LGBT+ people often have to navigate the tricky process of coming out to the people around them. Of course, many LGBT+ people face multiple coming outs over their lifetimes. Coming out is a process by which an LGBT+ people tells co-workers, schoolmates, family or friends that they are non-heterosexual.
It was first celebrated or marked in the USA 1988 by Robert Eichberg and Jean O’Leary and the official logo was created by artist, Keith Haring. Since its inauguration the day has become widely celebrated outside of the US.
October 11 was chosen because it is the anniversary of the 1987 National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights.
In 2021 National Coming Out Day takes place on the 11th October 2020, which is a Monday.
The rainbow flag was first designed and unveiled in 1978 by San Francisco artist, Gilbert Baker, who sadly passed away in 2017.
Speaking about the rainbow as a symbol for LGBT+ folx Gilbert Baker said,
“There was no other international symbol for [the LGBT+ community] than the pink triangle which the Nazis used to identify homosexuals in concentration camps,
“Even though the pink triangle was and still is a very powerful symbol, it was very much forced upon us”.
The actor formerly known as Ellen Page has said that he is now to be known as Elliot Page as he comes out as transgender in an Instagram post.
The X Men, Umbrella Academy and Tales Of The City star wrote an emotional post telling fans that his pronouns were now he or they, them theirs.
In the letter posted to his Instagram account, Elliot wrote,
“Hi friends, I want to share with you that I am trans, my pronouns are he/they and my name is Elliot.
“I feel lucky to be writing this. To be here. To have arrived at this place in my life.”
“I can’t begin to express how remarkable it feels to finally love who I am enough to pursue my authentic self,” he wrote.
“I’ve been endlessly inspired by so many in the trans community. Thank you for your courage, your generosity and ceaselessly working to make this world a more inclusive and compassionate place. I will offer whatever support I can and continue to strive for a more loving and equal society.”
“My joy is real, but it is also fragile,” he added
“The truth is, despite feeling profoundly happy right now and knowing how much privilege I carry, I am also scared.
“I’m scared of the invasiveness, the hate, the ‘jokes’ and of violence. To be clear, I am not trying to dampen a moment that is joyous and one that I celebrate, but I want to address the full picture.”
Elliot also acknowledged the attacks and slayings of trans folx in 2020 of which there have been at least 40 reported, adding,
“I love that I am trans. And I love that I am queer. And the more I hold myself close and fully embrace who I am, the more I dream, the more my heart grows and the more I thrive. To all the trans people who deal with harassment, self-loathing, abuse, and the threat of violence every day: I see you, I love you, and I will do everything I can to change this world for the better.”
Elliot’s letter to fans, was greatly received and garnered over 407,000 likes and hundreds of positive comments, one of which was from the official Umbrella Academy Instagram account, which simply said, “proud of our superhero!! WE LOVE YOU ELLIOT!!!”
After seeing his son kiss another lad in town, one dad took to Reddit to ask on how he should speak to him about it.
He laid out the situation like this,
“I saw my son (16) kissing his “best friend”. I didn’t tell my wife because she will probably hate him because of it but how could I? I really love him he’s my son after all and I don’t mind him being gay.
My question is how can I help him when he comes out and should I tell him to hold it back with his mom?”
Well, let’s just hold on a minute there as we refreeze our melted hearts. This guy might be up for dad of the year award.
Never ones to fail, guys of the AskGayMen forum, did not hold back on their advice.
Don’t confront…
With one suggesting that the dad didn’t “confront him” and that the boy would “tell you when he’s ready… but maybe you can work it into a conversation that you’re okay with it”
While another suggested that being subtle was everyone’s friend, “just be a lot more subtle than you initially think. It’s probably front and centre in his mind, so he will be very sensitive to the subject”.
While another echoed. “If I were your son I wouldn’t want to be confronted (that’s just me tho) if I’m not ready to come out I don’t want others outing me, imo you should create a supportive environment and low-key and subtly let your son know that you are lgbtq+ supportive”.
Confronting the homophobes
Confronting homophobes and homophobia in a public setting was suggested by the commentators, to show that he was supportive of the gay community. Photo by fauxels on Pexels.com
On the subject of his wife, one user suggested that the dad should “confront people who say homophobic things or at the very least say you disagree and explain your position. This will show your son that he doesn’t have to be afraid of talking about these kinds of things with you.”
The dad replied, “I never said anything against it. But I’ll definitely do it the next time.”
Speaking out about the pressure he felt before coming out as gay in 2015, Olympian Gus Kenworthy spoke about the dark times he faced in an interview on YouTube with fellow out champion Megan Rapinoe.
He opened up about his experience of being in the closet before he came out.
“It’s exhausting being in the closet. There was so much time and energy put into harbouring that secret that I think it really took a toll on my mental health and I struggled with depression and at moments in my life, thoughts of suicide.
“I think for a lot of my career and my coming up in the sport, my mental health was kind of put on the back burner, and I feel like I was really compartmentalizing. I was not out of the closet. When I did take that stand and come out it was the best thing I could have ever done for my mental health.
Coming out had an unexpected up side for the star
He continued, “I thought it was gonna be, like, a thing that maybe it was a hindrance for my sport, and it was the exact opposite. My following year after coming out was my best season to date. I felt so liberated, I had a huge weight off my shoulders…I think that mental health is so important and I’m so glad that it’s something that is getting talked about more and more frequently now because it’s so important for everybody.
“It’s especially important for LGBTQ kids who are at a much higher risk of self-harm, just because they do struggle to come to terms with themselves, ourselves, and the rate of suicide is so much higher.”
Adult star Austin Wolf, has shared a heartwarming story to his 458,000 fans on Twitter of coming out to his mum for National Coming Out Day.
Like so many people, Austin chose to come out to his mum on the phone when he was still a teenager.
Speaking in a video, posted to Twitter, the star, said,
“When I came out I was 17/18 years old and it was actually over the phone with my mother, who was, needless to say upset, not happy. But when it came down to it, she loved me and she listened, she wanted to learn”.
However, as Austin goes on to share, love plays a huge part in family members getting over their initial feelings when their loved ones come out to them.
He continued,
“I actually remember her calling the rest of my family, very dramatic of course, ‘if you can’t accept him, then you can’t accept all of us’, which coming from a woman from Texas… and definitely didn’t exactly have an open mind about homosexuality at the time… that’s what love does”.
Wolf who has filmed scenes for studios like Cocky Boys, shared the video on his social media and many of his fans thanked him for telling his story.
Fellow porn star, Ryan Cox added, “I had a very similar experience…I came out to my mom over the phone on November 25, 2007. That day changed my entire world. I am very fortunate to say my family fully accepted me as ME and has never waivered all these years later.”
Happy #NationalComingOutDay, Austin. I had a very similar experience…I came out to my mom over the phone on November 25, 2007. That day changed my entire world. I am very fortunate to say my family fully accepted me as ME and has never waivered all these years later. ❤️is ❤️
— RYANthePig__ PhD(Porn), PhD (Bate) 💋32K (@ryancoxxx) October 11, 2020
A fan, wrote how “uplifting” the video was while another added that the story was “touching”.
One commented added that Austin clearly had an “amazing mum”.
Want to see Austin Wolf in action at Cocky Boys? Click here (NSFW)
Taking to YouTube is now one of the best ways for stars to talk directly to their fans, especially about painful or personal experience. Their stories are told in their own voice and there’s no distortion of the truth.
These awesome people made the decision to come out on their own terms and we applaud them.
Matt And Blue, Actor and Musician
226,415
Despite coming out through a Twitter post back in 2013, Matt Dallas and his partner Blue Hamilton decided to make a coming out video to talk about the how’s, the why’s and the everything’s… Super cute and really fun.
In possibly the most fun coming out video Lucas literally burst out of the closet and into the open after one fan asked the simple question “are you gay”.
Troye Sivan, X Men Actor turned singer
6,436,896 views
X Men actor Troye came out on YouTube at the age of 18 in 2013. In his emotional video he said,
“I’m terrified. I know that some people are going to have a problem with this. This could kind of change everything for me, but it shouldn’t have to. And that’s why I’m making this video, and that’s why I think it’s important for people to make these kinds of videos.”
Shane Dawson, YouTuber
7,264,707 views
In 2015 Shane Dawson came out as bisexual in a video that has now been seen over 7 million times. He said, emotionally,
“This is a really hard video to make. I’m really scared… I never thought I would be making this, ever. I woke up this morning and I just had to.
“I’m making this video because I feel like it could help a lot of people. Over the last year, I’ve been extremely sexually confused.
“I always wished that I was gay, that I was just 100 percent gay. It would be a lot easier to be accepted by people… but I’m not.
Joey Graceffa, YouTuber
6,734,448 views
Gorgeous Joey came out on YouTube as gay in 2015. He went on to release a music video which featured a pretty hot, non heteronormative story line of princes falling in love with each other.
Connor Franta, YouTuber,
10, 355,416 views
Connor Franta’s coming out video made mainstream news. In a video simply named “Coming Out” the YouTuber told his 3.6 subscribers that he was gay, saying,
“I’m sitting here with no script, no plan, no fancy editing, and I’m just gonna be really honest,”
Tom Daley, Diver,
11,761, 500 views
The Olympic champion diver took to YouTube at the end of 2013 to say that he was in a relationship with a man. He described the posting of the video as a “hard decision to make” but ultimately he wanted his fans to hear it directly from him.
Ingrid Nilsen, YouTuber.
14, 1999,691
Ingrid came out as gay in 2015 in a highly emotional video and is to date the second most viewed coming out YouTube video, which might be down to the fact that the vlogger has nearly 4 million subscribers.
The Rhodes Bros
21, 773,092 views
Reaching out far ahead of any other YouTube coming out video is the
Rhodes’ twins coming out as gay to their father on the phone. The video had huge media pick up which help ratchet the views to over 21 million.
We asked readers and our writers their top tips on how to come out. Remember, that everybody’s experience is different and not all these tips will work in your particular circumstances, but we liked the following top tips.
1) Only come out if it is what you want to do.
If you feel pressured into coming out, remember that it has to be your decision. It is a big decision to make in your life and the most important thing is that you feel comfortable with what you are doing.
2) Treat it like a bandaid and just tear it off.
Quick and almost painless. Just tell them, quickly, confidently and get it over with.
3) Don’t approach the situation like you’re about to announce you’re terminally ill.
Body language and the tone of your voice will play a massive role in how people react to what you’re saying.
4) Do it the way you most feel comfortable!
I told my Dad by letter, but my friends mainly face to face…it just got easier the more I did it.
5) Speaking to a helpline, like Switchboard – first.
If you’re not sure what to say. Talking with a counsellor or helpline can help you find the words you need to describe what you’re feeling.
6) Talk about someone else’s coming out.
If you’re not sure how to bring it up, casually talk about a celebrity’s recent coming out like Tom Daley or Charlie King and gauge the reaction before going any further.
7) If you don’t get the reaction you expect, don’t be put off.
You will get some negative reactions, but that is their problem not yours. The amount of positive reactions will far outweigh the negative ones.
8) It’s not an all or nothing deal.
You don’t HAVE to tell everyone all at once. Start off with one person and let it grow organically from there.
9) Don’t apologise.
10) There is no right or wrong way to come out.
It should be a tailor-made experience, as individual as you are.
11) Don’t come out
If you think that doing so is going to put your life in danger or make your living situation a living nightmare. Living with homophobic or transphobic parents or guardians could put the roof over your head into jeopardy by coming out. It’s so unfortunate, but for many it’s an outcome that sees them living on the streets. Work towards living independently, where it can be “your house, your rules”. In the meantime, find your tribe – your people, the people you feel most comfortable with -at school, at work, online. Share stories, be yourself with them and try to carve out an authentic life, until you’re able to be free.
This article was first published in 2014 and has been updated. We’ll continue to update it with more tips and advice as we get it.
In the olden days (I’m talking about G-A-Y at the Astoria), when I used to go out as an excitable newbie gay and was able to wear stomach revealing tees, Pop music was my haven.
Pop music of the late 90s and early 2000s seemed to know my man loving ways and was only to happy to deliver thumping after thumping hit for me to perform my little camp heart out on the sticky floors of that old, fondly missed haunt.
1) Geri Halliwell, the official gift to gay men delivered ‘Lift Me Up’ / ‘Look At Me’ / ‘Bag It Up’. No list of coming out songs is complete without one Ginger song and she’s given us at least 3. Geri’s debut solo album Schizo-Phonic offered up a plethora of camptastic tunes. I still put on ‘Bag It Up’ from time to time and it still makes me jig. Yes, I said ‘jig’ and I’m owning it.
2) ‘Get This Party Started’, When Pink slammed onto the scene with this song it almost became a homo chant. “I’m coming out, so you better get this party started’. Its place in the annals of gay culture was cemented when the Dame of Bassey made her almost definitive version of the classic for that M&S advert.
3) ‘One Day In Your Life’, at the height of Anastacia’s greatness the ab’d goddess with the huge voice was churning out stompers like nobody’s business. ‘One Day In Your Life’ has such a seriously strong chorus that it has become one of my all-time club classics.
4) ‘I Am What I Am’, The Dame of Bassey (Shirley Bassey). Ok, this isn’t one that featured much in the clubs – but sexuality affirmed men (and some who are yet to discover their true selves) with feather boas across the nation kick out their legs in unison whenever this track is played. It is against the law not to do some kind of jazz hand whilst this is playing – fact.
5) ‘Can’t Take That Away’, just before the true madness of Mariah Carey was unleashed upon the world, the stratospheric octaved diva delivered probably her most camp, dramatic and butterfly filled song ever – with a ‘love and respect’ yourself theme, what self-respecting gay can’t listen to this with a tear in his eye and a knowing in his heart?
6) Britney was on fire (and had a full head of hair) at the beginning of the noughties and ‘Stronger’ was a killer track. Pre ‘Madonna kiss’ post ‘I’m a naughty school girl’ – Brit knew the way forward was her gays.
7) ‘It’s Raining Men’ is a track, which just needs to feature on this list. It’s a floor filler. Geri’s is okay, but you can’t beat the original Weather Girls’ version, it only counts if you clap in the right place – those who miss the double clap HANG YOUR HEAD IN SHAME.
8) Remember Holly Valance, that Neighbours’ star turned pop princess? Vaguely? Well, she burst onto the scene with a seriously sexy number ‘Kiss Kiss’, which I remember making an impact – in my bedroom, but that’s not for here!
9) ‘Beautiful’, by XTina featured a rather hot gay couple in the video – which gets my vote and the song, has a gooey, lovey vibe, which makes me feel my most beautiful.
10) ‘I’m Coming Out’, Diana Ross sang this song either with full knowledge of the gay anthem she was about to create or in complete naivety. It features one of the longest introductions in the world, but lyrically this song has to come in at number 1. It says what it does on the tin (if it had a tin).
