THEGAYUK

Day: 2 March 2017

  • Five totally rubbish ways to end things with your boyfriend

    Exit Strategies (…or rubbish my ex-partners have told me)

    Extricating yourself from a relationship isn’t easy. We’ve all been there; watching a once-promising union limping sadly towards the end, trying to fan the fire of a lukewarm love life or just living through that daily battle of trying not to slip a pinch of Arsenic into his latte. I’ve been through a few relationship breakdowns and my behaviour can be charted somewhere on a continuum that ranges from psychopathic maniac to saintly martyr. One thing I wish though is that my ex-partners had sometimes been more truthful.

    Here are my top 5 pieces of crap which have been uttered to me over the past 20 years:

    1) It’s not you, it’s me: This one is a total classic and is invariably nonsense. Of course, it was me too. I made that remark about your mother, didn’t put out as often as you wanted and was often snippy and critical. Yes, you were pretty dire at times and those nasty clothes and the penchant for 80s soft rock was hard to tolerate but let’s be honest. We both played a part in causing this once quite promising future to turn post-apocalyptic.

    2) I need to find myself: Seriously? How careless to mislay something so important. In my experience, this one always means ‘I need to spend time on Grindr and see what I can find within a 3-mile radius that is willing to take his pants down and lube up for me.”

    3) I want an open relationship: See above. This is also often the cowardly way of saying: “I want an affair or ten and you to stay at home, ask no questions but remain totally faithful to me. If you so much as brush up against another man on the tube I’ll get all psycho on you but please don’t complain when I bring home pubic lice and my phone buzzes with texts from morning till night.”

    4) I’m not sure that I’m really gay: This one was uttered by a very plausible and slightly mixed up man and got my sympathy (albeit in a puzzled way). I felt sorry for his messed up emotions. This sympathy lasted until I spotted his new Gaydar profile two weeks later in which he was seeking: ‘Young good looking versatile men who want to be pounded and give some cock back”. That’s not normally the request of someone who is feeling all hetero all of a sudden. Don’t they like fishing, football and tits? I’m not sure they’re always so keen on hard anal with another man. That desire implies leanings, to me.

    5) I love you but you’re impossible to be around: If you love someone then surely being around him or her is easy or something you’ll work to be able to do. You love them and that involves you wanting to be with them however difficult they can be. This actually translates as: “I’ve finally woken up to what a nightmare you can be and realised we’re not compatible. Don’t feel bad but I now regard you in the same light as an episode of Friends. It was once endearing, funny and I kind of liked it but now it makes me wince and wonder what the hell I was thinking.”

    I accept that honesty isn’t always good. We all need some sugaring of the pills from time to time but there’s dishonesty and there’s downright ridiculousness. Sometimes a pinch of honesty peppered with a smidgeon of tact is really the best policy of all.

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • INTERVIEW | J. James – Author of Denial, Deceit, Discovery

    All the way from Thailand, we get a chance to speak with the author behind this year’s hottest book Denial, Deceit, Discovery. A very personal and open account of one man struggling to come to terms with his homosexuality. A book we can all relate to.

    This is a very honest and open book based on your personal battle with religion and sexuality. Why did you decide to write the story for all to read?
    I had always planned to be a writer but did not have the time or the ideas to make a start. After being requested to provide a written statement to support my annulment I realised that my story could help so many others. I had felt incredibly alone during my struggle of accepting my sexuality. I wanted to feel like I could help at least one other person to avoid that same feeling. Knowing someone else has or is experiencing the same feelings or thoughts as you is incredibly comforting. I also felt that there was no other book out there like this – most memoirs hold back – I wanted it to be as raw and honest as possible.

    Was it a struggle at times to relive some events during the writing process?
    It was incredibly cathartic writing the book. It really made me face up to all those feelings, emotions and experiences I had gone through and yet had boxed away neatly in my head. Open up these boxes was very upsetting but so necessary in helping me to truly accept myself, my past and therefore move forward finally. Writing is such a healer and similar to therapy. It is not until we verbalise (either in words or print) that we truly start to understand and accept our emotions.

    How did your family feel about you writing such an honest book, especially with it being, firstly very truthful and secondly quite erotic in places?
    Many of my friends and family were extremely supportive and it was from their feedback that I continued to write at times when I contemplated stopping. It was a little embarrassing for me knowing that my Aunt or cousins or sister etc were reading about my sexual encounters and I am sure it was a little uncomfortable for them too. Some of my friends and family, including my mother have decided not to read it and that is fine with me. I was quite impressed my father read the book – it is the first book he has ever read so that is flattering! I have not been able to look him in the eye ever since though hahaha.

    Was there any censorship looking back?
    To be honest – not really! I obviously censored the names of people and sometimes altered locations – just to spare the blushes of others really. I did remove one or two scenes in the final draft to protect myself from criticism.

    What percentage of the book is based on your own experiences and how much was fictional?
    Haha that depends who is asking me the question. If my mothers asks, I would say 80% is fictional. I tried to make the character of Jack as relatable as possible and I think there is a little bit of Jack in all of us. The events are all based on my own experiences but the time frames have been altered occasionally to help with the flow (blushing now!!!).

    Has writing the book been a detoxing experience?
    When I came out I thought, ‘That’s it! All done – I can now start living as a gay man.’ I was so wrong. I had told people I was gay but I myself had not accepted it. I had gone through an incredibly traumatic experience – breaking up with a long term partner and I think I failed to acknowledge that. On reflection I think I ran away to Thailand rather than face up to what I had done. This was why my first gay relationship was not a success. Writing the book forced me into accepting the things I had done in the past and helped me to understand who I was and why I was this way. I accepted the blame for my mistakes and forgave myself for my wrong doings and this enabled me to move on with a less heavy heart.

    Do you see much of your family or past?
    I am very fortunate that my work allows me the opportunity to return to the UK many times a year so I see my family frequently. There are no issues with my family at all – they are all very accepting of sexuality and are happy for me. There are occasions when I am out shopping in the UK and I see an old school friend and they ask how my wife is etc and that is a little awkward to say the least!

    Was there a specific audience in mind when you wrote the book? Would you hope it would also help others to realise their true selves?
    I guess when I started the book I was thinking of other gay men who may have or were living a similar life. This was because I really wanted to help others. I have had some great messages from readers saying that the book has really changed their life which is so rewarding. I also thought the book might help the families or friends or gay guys understand the complexity of homosexuality and therefore be less judgemental in their views. I had not realised that so many straight women would love the book so much. This group make up a huge percentage of my readers. I think they connect with some of the other themes that are in the book – relationships, break-ups, friendship, family, growing up etc. I have even had a few straight guys tell me that the book has had a profound impact on them because they picked up the message about being true to yourself though not necessarily about sexuality.

    Are you still living in Thailand with your partner?
    Yes I am still living in Thailand and my partner and I are now married and enjoying a wonderful life together. I cannot face the thought of the British weather so for now I am staying here and making the most of the sun and the sandy beaches.

    For others struggling with their sexuality would you have a few words of advice?
    First of all I would never tell someone what to do. I think we have to remember that we all come from different family backgrounds, religions and cultures. Just because my family accepted me does not mean I would tell another person that they must be honest and come out now. I think some openly gay people forget this and criticise those struggling to come out.
    The most important things I would want to say is that they are not alone and that thousands of men experience the same emotions and feelings. I would want to help them to recognise and understand and essentially accept their feelings. That is the hardest part. These feelings may never have been discussed and so the confusion that they cause is tremendous and this leads to denial that has to be carefully unpacked. I would encourage a person to be true to themselves and to remember that it is their life and theirs alone and they have the right to live it as they want. But ultimately, we may not have a choice about our sexuality but we do have a choice about what we do about it. Each person has the right to make their own choice. I would discourage someone though from bringing another person into the situation without being fully aware i.e. a man who decides he prefers to marry a woman. I think this is a cruel thing to knowingly do this to a woman after I have personally seen the trauma it causes.

    Is there a sequel to come?
    Mmmmm I am not sure that people want a sequel to this – do they?!? I don’t think we have seen the last of Jack but for now I am exploring other genres and styles of writing. But never say never!!

    Denial, Deceit, Discovery is available now in paperback and kindle editions from Amazon

     

  • GROOMING: Epic Nourishing Oil – It’s A Miracle!

    GROOMING: Epic Nourishing Oil – It’s A Miracle!

    Are you fed up of your unruly beard? Maybe you want to soften dry, flaky skin? Or take the frizz out of your man locks? I am pleased to tell you I have found the answer to all of your predicaments in one simple, essential product!

    Jack Black Epic Moisture MP

    Jack Black Epic Moisture MP 10 Nourishing Oil is a hair frizz tamer, shaving oil, dry skin soother and beard conditioner in one. “A true multi-tasking hydration hero” they say, and I agree! I have yet to test the rest of the Jack Black range but it is deffo on my list!

    Jack Black Epic Moisture Oil has a lightweight texture and a concentrated blend of natural oils like Argan Oil, Olive Fruit Oil, Grape Seed Oil, Jojoba Oil and Rice Brain Oil. No parabens, sulphates or phthalates ensures you know your leaving your hair and skin in good hands. If I had to fault the product the only thing I would say is that I wish the scent were a little zestier. I know first world problems, right?

    I use this every day as part of my beauty regime! I’d rub a couple pumps of this miracle oil into the palms of my hands and massage into my beard down to the skin. Any excess I’m left with in my hands I gently run through my hair for a finished glossy look. I do love to look Hollywood glam, even if I’m just getting ready for a night in with cookies, a cuppa and Big Brother.

    A Final Note

    Jack Black Epic Moisture MP 10 Nourishing Oil is priced at £27.50 for 60ml and is available from www.amazon.co.uk

  • ADVICE | It really hurts after I get fingered

    ADVICE | It really hurts after I get fingered

    Dear TGUK

    Well, every time I have anal sex or am fingered it’s really fun at the time but really hurts after. Is there something I’m doing wrong or what can I do to make it pleasurable?

    Simon

    why does it hurt after I get fingered?

    Hello Simon,

    The ass is pretty darn resilient and there’s a pleasure to be had from anal sex, but there are a few golden rules to make sure you keep safe and reduce pain.

    1. It can’t be stressed enough lube is your friend. Use a good amount – and have a towel handy that you can wipe your hands, as it can get quite messy. **That** scene in Brokeback Mountain – as hot as it looks, is just not that realistic. A bit of spit and shove isn’t going to cut it. Use a good lube – and there are loads of lubes to choose from on the market. You might find that you get on with some better than others. Try the trial sizes until you find the perfect lube.
    2. Take your time. One of the most misleading things about porn is that you can’t just stick it in – and that includes fingers. You need to take it gradually. You could start off with a bit of rimming and then move on to a finger – then if that feels good maybe two. Don’t just go for it. You will cause yourself a lot of pain.
    3. Warm yourself up. You could do a bit of prep yourself before sex. Perhaps while you’re in the shower – or if you douche you could get your butt used to the feeling of a finger or two up there before you get down with your partner. Using warm water to douche could help you relax as well.
    4. Anal Training. Why not try a set of dilating anal training toys. The toys vary in size and girth. You start small and gradually get bigger as you become accustomed to the size.
    5. Finger maintenance. You say that it hurts after fingering, are your boyfriend’s fingernails ragged? If he’s got claws that a Gruffalo would be proud of it’s time to invest in some nail clippers for him. He may be, unknowingly tearing your insides – which will make the whole experience uncomfortable.
    6. Keep the action smooth. Keep the fingering motion smooth and long and thin (goes right in). He shouldn’t curl up his fingers inside you – this is going to cause discomfort. No vigorous finger jamming like he’s Donald Trump giving a speech.
    7. You could always try a desensitising spray or lube.

    So to recap: take time and use lube.

    If you’re really concerned that there’s something wrong book an appointment to see your GP.

    Have you got a sexual health or dilemma you want answered by our team of experts? Click here to let us know.

    The advice listed above is not intended to replace or take the place of that of your own doctor, GP or medical professional who knows your full medical history. If in any doubt make an appointment with your doctor as soon as possible.

    Picture by SeanCody.com get your subscription here

  • OPINION | When did gay culture start losing its individualism? When did we all turn into banker w*nkers?

    OPINION | When did gay culture start losing its individualism? When did we all turn into banker w*nkers?

    In his latest book, The Descent of Man, Grayson Perry cleverly charts the misfortunes of masculinity and their repercussions on both the female and, more interestingly, the male sex.

    CREDIT: kunertuscom-bigstock

    Perry himself is not only a Turner Prize winning artist but also a prolific cross-dresser, and he speaks with flair and intelligence as he critiques the prominence of what he calls default man. This tribal identity, which is characterised by a sober dress sense, a steely bravado and an apparent lack of empathy, accounts for only 10% of the population but dominates the spheres of business, politics, sports and the media.

    It’s little surprise, as Perry points out in his book, that majority of those who kill, rape and go to war fit the obtuse criteria and are bred from what he denotes the department of masculinity. Bankers typify default man – they are also renowned for possessing psychopathic tendencies.

    But no longer are these proclivities reserved for straight males, they’re now abundant in the gay community. The most transparent illustration of this is the term ‘straight acting’. This vexatious use of language now adorns the profiles of many, along with their beards, biceps and tangible disdain for all thing considered effeminate. And this isn’t mere conjecture. A recent study found that those who identify as ‘straight acting’ were more likely to agree that feminine guys give the gay community a bad reputation and were also significantly less likely to experience homophobia themselves. It’s not about raising ideological warfare and dictating the gender performance of any individual or subculture. The diversity of men, from twinks to bears, is what makes the gay community such an eclectic collection of personalities and individuals. It is this very cacophony, brimming with colour and verve, that we should be striving to maintain. Instead, we seem to be diluting our eccentricities, losing our individualism and with it what makes us special.

    We need to ask ourselves if this pernicious desire to conform to this ideological stereotype is healthy.

    This issue isn’t the exclusive domain of homosexuals, indeed Perry’s book largely addresses the hetero masses but given that we already know that the gay community experiences increased rates of bullying, substance abuse and mental health issues, these findings are at best regressive and at their worst pervasive and dangerous to the health of gay men. Trying to live up to false ideals never leads to happiness and contentment in the end, even if society seems to applaud and ratify the notion of default man.

    Suicide is the biggest killer of men under 45 in the United Kingdom – something is clearly going wrong.

    To some degree or another we’re all bound by the confines of our biological sex – but what lies ahead in a world of pass privilege is the eradication of gay culture and identity. Is it any coincidence that as our community becomes more hetero-normative equality seems to be finally on the up? The motivations for aspiring to this so called ‘pass privilege’ are not difficult to identify: bullying, stigmatisation and loneliness are all too familiar tropes – but the acceptance of difference, not assimilation into the uniformity of default man is what is needed if we are to move forward in a healthy and progressive manner.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • CAR REVIEW | Tipo MultiJet 120hp Lounge

    ★★★★ | Tipo MultiJet 120hp Lounge

    Finally, Fiat is coming back. The recent launch of the brilliant 124 Spider set the wheels in motion and now we have the Tipo. Admittedly it is a name from the past of a car that did great things for the Italian maker. Above all, though it is NOT a new form of 500.

    Tipo MultiJet 120hp Lounge

    I liked the original Tipo. It looked like nothing else out there. Square and boxy like the box it arrived in. It had some funk too with the top of the range models starting the digital dashboard era of displays that have now become commonplace. Above all, it didn’t fall apart.

    This is the trouble when you resurrect an old name. Some will remember the past product for reasons good or bad. I remember it for the good so naturally, I got excited about the arrival of the new Tipo.

    Visually it doesn’t fail to impress. Front on it looks rather nice. It’s not like the white elephant in the room of the original which some will say is good. The rear, however, does look a little like most hatchbacks out there.

    Since Tipo 88 (Car of the Year 1989, it was that good) Fiat haven’t really been able to keep up in this fierce segment. Bravo/Brava missed the boat by miles and the Stilo, while it looked good at the front, had a fat backside and wasn’t very good. So I am glad to say that on first acquaintance with new Tipo I am a happy chap. There was a time when Tipo 88 could match the build of Volkswagens Golf Mk3. New Tipo can now hold its head up high once again.

    Fiat has rightly or wrongly not aimed Tipo at the Golf driver. There lays the huge problem most manufacturers have come across. Your product needs to be bloody good to entice the Golf driver away. Instead, they have gone for the more lower-priced market segment. With prices ranging from £12,995 to £18,995 Fiat have priced it very competitively.

    The one thing you will notice is how well it is painted. The boot is large and missing a cargo net so I was forced to place some shopping under the boot carpet. It was here that I noticed that Fiat had painted the bits you don’t see or care about. Even the paint around the boot shut area was smooth and glossy. A lot of manufacturers these days tend to miss these areas. To be honest you probably won’t even notice it. To me, it is these little touches that show Fiat are trying hard to win back some of the market it lost. Even the engine bay is painted well.

    I’ve started doing a centre console rub. You’ll be amazed at how well or not this area is put together by manufacturers. The jigsaw pieces used on Tipo were well fitted together. No harsh edges to be felt.

    It has nothing special on it as far as the lighting goes. No expensive HID bulbs or swivelling headlights. Instead, the engineers have relied on making them good in the first place. Driving down country lanes where l live, the Tipo makes easy work of lighting my way.

    A good driving position was easy to obtain with multi adjustments within the seat and steering wheel that cater for rake and reach. What wasn’t so successful was the centre armrest. It fouled the operation of the handbrake. Something that blighted Tipo 88 so it was nice to see another consistency of old meets new.

    The Tipo was easy to live with too. Again nothing special or outlandish like a one-touch keyless entry or starting buttons. A simple key with remote buttons did the trick. A little touch l did like was the angle of the ignition keys entry. More 45 degrees instead of the usual 90. It doesn’t sound much, however, there was no scrabbling to find the key hole.

    It’s these egonomics that really are hit and miss around Tipo. The front window switches on the driver door had the front window switches too far forward. Numerous occasions I kept opening the rear windows. This is something l am sure will annoy those in the spacious rear. Like Tipo 88, new Tipo also has better rear passenger space than you would think.

    One other thing that infuriated me more than anything was the preselected text reply messages. There was no way to by-pass them and she liked to say everything and tell you everything. The software is out there to better this. For the convenience that it offered it was a little too distracting.

    The saving grace of the infotainment system was its ease of use. The DAB pick up was good and station selection impeccable.

    The 120bhp Multijet diesel engine was a strong puller. 320 Nm of torque available at 1750rpm made rapid progress through the gearbox. The useable power band mostly used was within 1750 to 4000rpm. By 3750rpm all the horses had done their bit. One downside to the engine when standing outside and scrapping the ice off the screen was that it seemed a little too clattery from cold. From inside you could be hard pushed to notice it.

    Italian cars are famed for their handling. Tipo 88 spanned the seductively fast Sedicivalvole. The chassis could handle this. In new Tipo, it needs a tweak or two from Abarth. As it is in the 120hp Lounge model it is more than adequate but not the best. A combination of subtle spring choices has taken the edge away from that foot down powerhouse hot hatch feel. It’s a move I am seeing more off as manufacturers revert away from the Teutonic tautness of the Germans and about time too

    I like Tipo. It’s not perfect in every area. It is easy to live with and on the eye, it does have good looks with crisp lines that aren’t fussy. Inside is accommodating and it has a good strong well built feel to it. Something Fiat haven’t had for a long time. With that in mind, the Tipo didn’t fail to impress me over the week I had it.

     

    Likes

    Build quality particularly attention to detail
    Price
    Big boot

    Loathes

    Engine clattery when cold
    Armrest fouling handbrake operation
    Preset mobile phone reply messages

    The Lowdown
    Car – Fiat Tipo MultiJet 120hp Lounge
    Price – £18,545 (as tested)
    MPG – 76.3mpg (combined)
    Power – bhp 120 @ 3750rpm
    0-62mph – 9.8 seconds
    Top Speed – 124 mph
    Co2 – 98 (g/km)