Welcome to another month and another of Aunty’s advice columns. Good luck for all those who write into the world’s harshest Agony Aunt.

 

Dear Aunty,

I’m a little on the large side and was wondering if you had any top tips for losing some weight before my beach holiday in a couple of weeks?

With love James.

 

Dear James,

Your letter first excited me when you said you were large and I was going to invite you to holiday with me. That was until I realised you were talking about your waistline! I’ve been fooled by that line before. Top tip: cake is not your friend. Neither is the lard you wrap it in before you deep fry it.

The 40 bottles of coke a day and the evening bag of wine, also a no-no. If you only have two weeks to shed the weight then slap on a Miranda Hart box set.

This always puts me off my food!

Aunty XX

 

Dear Aunty

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I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 months now and it’s just not working out for me anymore. How do I tell him I no longer want to be with him? I’ve not slept with anyone else but have been tempted. Help!

Kevin, Manchester

 

Dearest Kevin,

When I want someone to leave I usually stop paying them, however, I believe this may be a little different in your case. There are many ways you can get the message across to your ex-to-be.

Start with increasing your annoying habits. Break wind in bed, be late for everything, forget his birthday, bite a little harder during sex.

This gradual increase of uncomfortable living will soon have the bf saying enough’s enough and he’ll walk out by himself. Failing this try to get caught boning his best friend or dad, or hamster.

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Aunty XX