THEGAYUK

Author: Daniel Browne

  • COMMENT | Is Homophobic Crime On Its Way Out?

    I recently read something that informed me there has been a reduction in the reporting of homophobic crime.

    It would be easy to interpret that as saying there has been a reduction in crimes against gay people, but the important word to focus on is ‘reporting’. The fact that there has been a reduction in the reporting of homophobic crime does not equate to a reduction in the crime itself. I have some experiences to share with you that show that homophobic crime is very much still alive.

    I live in Warwickshire, which is a county very much stuck behind the times. Recently I have been trying to drag it into the 21st Century by setting up an LGBTQ youth support charity and going about organising Warwickshire’s first pride event. I have come up against much opposition in doing so. From having funding bids rejected by the local Council on the basis of being “one of those groups” (a reference to my LGBT charity’s support group), to having a letter sent to me by a County Councillor who insisted there are no gay people in Warwickshire, it has been a difficult to achieve what I set out to do. So with opposition to anything gay in the local authority, I am not really surprised that the same mentality filters down into the great unwashed – the general public.

    Indeed some of the Neanderthals that oppose gay people appear to be unwashed, but I don’t think that has a direct correlation to their views. Putting bitchiness to one side, there are two instances of homophobia I have experienced that I am going to share with you today.

    The first took place in a pub I used to frequent each weekend, which I eventually started running a karaoke at. Over the years that I went to the pub, I would often come up against people making comments about my sexuality and I knew that I was not liked by the majority. I didn’t really care though and continued to go to that pub out of sheer stubbornness not to be driven away by narrow minds.

    I figured that my friends were with me and they would protect me if something happened. One night that something did occur. I was running my karaoke and accidently pressed a button which cut someone off whilst they were singing. I laughed along with everyone else, but one person shouted out “ha ha you poof”. My immediate thought was to grab the microphone and say something back to him. So I did. I got hold of the microphone and called him a “bloody Neanderthal”.

    At that point the man got up, came charging towards me and physically attacked me, whilst calling me more homophobic names. I could see that some people in the pub were quite happy I was being hit and knew some people felt I deserved it, as I was a “poof”. I fought back a bit in self-defence but was eventually rescued by one of friends who took off her high heel shoe and proceeded to beat the homophobe with it. Now I don’t believe in using violence, but I was grateful for the assistance. I then found myself further shocked once things had calmed down. The landlord of the pub did not say or do anything to the homophobe, but approached me to ask that I “keep my mouth shut”. That really angered me and I have not been in that pub since.

    The second instance of homophobia I have experienced actually started in that same pub. I was with a group of girlfriends who after one too many Jagerbombs decided that it would be a good idea to begin ‘lezzing off’ with each other. It got many of the heterosexual males in the pub interested, with many of them letching over my friends. I was then approached by a straight man who suggested we start snogging to show the girls how it’s done. I agreed to that and we began kissing. After a minute we were interrupted by a man that was shouting obscenities and threatening to hit me. I ignored the man and he was asked to leave the pub. I thought nothing of it. What happened next was quite shocking.

    I used to frequent another bar in my town and went in there a week after the kissing incident. I didn’t know that the man who had shouted at me the week previously was the manager of that bar. He approached me and said that I was barred. The reason for being barred is I was a “f***ing disgusting queer”. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I left the bar and took to Facebook to rant about it.

    The next day I received a public apology over Facebook from the owner, who offered me a free drink to say sorry. I was still quite angry as barring someone from a pub due to their sexuality is a crime. I was encouraged to report it to the police but felt they would not take me seriously. So I let it go, accepted the apology and sometime later went back to the bar. Upon my return, I was greeted with further hostility, this time from the DJ and his assistant. It was karaoke night and I wanted to sing, so I took a request slip to the DJ. On doing so I was informed by the DJ’s assistant that my lot are not allowed to sing. By my lot, I guess he meant homosexual (despite being a gay man himself, but one of those gays that hates other gays because he really hates himself). I was not happy about that, to say the least, so I tried to give my request slip to the DJ himself. His response to me was that he knew what I was (that could mean anything, but again I assume he meant a homosexual) and that I had better leave the bar or he’d get security to remove me. Normally I would get angry and shout, but I decided to walk away and leave the pub. My friends tried to reason with the DJ to no avail. I decided that I simply wouldn’t go in the bar again if it’s run by homophobes.

    Thankfully the bar has now closed down and reopened as something else, but I do regret not reporting what was a crime. And that brings me back to the point of this piece. There may have been a reduction in the reporting of homophobic crimes, but I do not believe that means a reduction in the crime itself. I didn’t report the crime because I felt the Police wouldn’t take it seriously and nothing would result from it. I could have also reported being attacked in the pub, but again I felt I would not be taken seriously. I imagine the majority of the pub would have said I deserved it and had been too gobby. But the reality is that I was a victim of homophobic crime in both those instances. Over the years I have also had bricks thrown at me and had a plank of wood hit round my head just for being gay. I actually reported one of those crimes and the Police didn’t do anything, despite me telling them exactly who had done it. That shaped my thoughts in the future and I’m sure those of others that have experienced homophobic crime.

    On a final note I will say that no matter what your thoughts are regarding the Police taking homophobic crime seriously, you must report it. It’s important that every single one of us report every single homophobic crime. If we don’t then nothing will change, but by taking action we can change things.

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OP ED | When A Vice Becomes Something More Sinister

    I imagine that we all have vices. In fact I wouldn’t believe someone if they told me that they didn’t have any. For some people smoking could be a vice. For others it could be the twenty cups of coffee they drink each day. As for me… well I’ve had many vices over the years and still do. On occasion those vices have developed into something more and this is what happened when one of them did.

    On discovering alcohol at age fourteen I soon began drinking regularly as many teenagers do. I was a drunken state most weekends and by the age of eighteen I was consuming about ten triple vodka and Red Bulls each Friday and Saturday night. I would end up not being able to walk and getting into some serious scrapes. At the same time I was also going out during the week with ‘friends’ and drinking about ten pints of lager each night. It was those people who introduced me to a little pill called Ecstasy.

    I was seventeen years old at the time and had a weekend job as well as going to school during the week. I wasn’t very popular due to being perceived to be gay. My only friends were other ‘freaks’ and I felt lost. I was desperate to be liked and to be popular. All I wanted in life was to be part of a cool crowd. One day that happened. A couple of lads I worked with, and looked up to, invited me out one evening. They said that I seemed alright and they wanted to show me what they get up to at night. The young homosexual in me was hoping that I would be getting some action as they were pretty hot, but actually it was all about drinking beer and shagging women. I wasn’t out to many people at that point and being desperate to fit in with people I thought were cool, I joined in with their nightly drinking sessions.

    One night we went to a dodgy pub which is well known for drug dealing and taking. My friends went to speak to a guy who looked like a dealer and I guessed what was going on. I come from a council estate which is straight out of Shameless so deem myself to be quite clued up. It didn’t stop me saying no when a pill was offered to me though. I declined at first, but when one of my friends said “go on, be one of the lads”, that was it. All I had wanted was to be one of the lads and fit in. So I took it. The next night I took another. The night after that I took another one. And it went on like that. I knew that I was doing something wrong, but I thought that it was what I needed to do to have some cool friends.

    As the months went by I was consuming an increasing amount of alcohol, taking a growing amount of pills, yet still going to school and my weekend job. It was beginning to take a toll on me though. I wasn’t doing as well as I had been at school and was making mistakes at work. I was beginning to look rougher and my personality was deteriorating. I had started to become reliant on Ecstasy because I felt it helped me get through life. It was no longer just about fitting in.

    One night it all came to a head and it would turn out to be the last time I ever took a drug. I was at a club with my so called friends and I remember dancing to Missy Elliot. When the song finished I walked off the dance floor and the next thing I remember is being woken up in my friend’s garden. It wasn’t a simple waking up though; I was face down in a bag of chips and being kicked as I wasn’t waking up. I came around, got up and was helped into bed.

    The next morning I realised that four hours were missing from the previous night. Between walking off the dance floor and being woken up in the garden, I had no idea what I did. To this day I still have no recollection of those four hours. My friends said that they had been looking for me and were worried as I had been “caning it”. I had consumed a lot of alcohol that night and I am unsure what else I took. I looked at my work shirt that I had worn that night and it had sick on it. I had to go to work that morning and buy a new shirt when I arrived. My manager looked at me with disgust and I felt disgusted in myself. It transpired that 23rd March 2002 would be my rock bottom date. I haven’t taken any drug since.

    After that I stopped associating with the people I thought were friends. They weren’t cool and I didn’t belong to that kind of crowd. I reconnected with my ‘freak’ friends and I am still connected to them now. I am also comfortable with being an outcast and a freak myself. It took a long time to get there, but it all turned out alright in the end. As for vices, my main ones are chocolate and Haribo Tangfastics. Not good for the waistline, but better than other stuff I used to consume.

    I’m not going to preach about how drugs are bad and you should just say no. As an adult you can make your own mind up. But if your vice is taking drugs, just keep a check on it. Don’t let it get out of control and ask yourself why you are doing it. I did it for all the wrong reasons and it really messed me up. Don’t let the same thing happen to you.

    If you are concerned about your drug taking or the habits of someone else, you can find support by clicking on the following link to the Antidote website. They are the UK’s only LGBT targeted drug and alcohol service. If you’re outside London, click on the Talk To Frank link.

    www.antidote-lgbt.com

    www.talktofrank.com

     

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • 10 QUESTIONS: Gay Men Hate To Be Asked

    I am happy to put my hands up and admit that I love a good moan. So when asked to write this piece I rubbed my hands in glee and thought it’s a great opportunity to have a right good grumble about the things people ask that really annoy me. This is because it’s something I regularly do in real life anyway, much to my friend’s annoyance. So, here it goes…

    1) What you into?

    I’m sure you are all aware where this question comes from. When asking the gay people what questions annoy them, this came out on top. When chatting to people on sites such as Grindr, Gaydar and Fitlads, it’s one of the first things people ask. Sometimes I am tempted to be a bitch and respond with “not you”, but usually it’s a blockable offence and I simply ignore them. On the odd occasion, I have replied with things such as knitting, train spotting, pretending I’m Kate Bush whenever I hear “Wuthering Heights” (that one is actually true)…. and the list goes on and on. I never answer in the way they want me to; with something sexual. I don’t rise to that. Usually one can tell what another is into by simply reading their profile. It’s not difficult, yet so many people struggle to do it. My Fitlads profile clearly states that I am in a monogamous relationship so therefore I’m not interested in extra-curricular activities, but I regularly have men propositioning me and refusing to believe that I would be on a website like that without looking for sex. So my advice to people here is read people’s profiles.

    2) Can you accom?

    Ugh. Again, I’m sure we all know where this one comes from too. It’s one of the frustrating things about using gay websites. It can be useful for meeting new people and is especially good if you have no contact with other gay people in the real world, but goodness me it ain’t half annoying when someone asks if you can accommodate. It’s even more irritating when it clearly states on my profile that I am not looking for a hookup. I’ve been there, done that and could probably have won The Sun newspaper’s ‘Shagger of the Year’ award at one point, but those days are over. All I can say is, again, please read people’s profiles.

    3) How big are you?

    I’m 5ft 10 and weigh about 17 stone, so pretty big I guess. The 17 stone admission would probably get me blocked by some shallow person and I’d be branded disgusting. In fact, I was once told that I am huge and the only way I will lose weight is if I become bulimic. I’ll talk about that another time though. Of course, they want to know how big your penis is. Does it really matter though? To a size queen maybe, but I couldn’t care less. Come on guys, it’s ridiculous. Nearly as ridiculous as the standard answer of ‘8 inches’.

    The gay ruler clearly provides different measurements to a normal one.

    4) Do you know him? He’s gay too.

    I cannot begin to explain how much that question infuriates me. I’m sure some people think that homosexuals are all in one big pink club and we all know each other. I live in Warwick and was once asked if I knew someone in Middlesbrough just because he is gay too. I thought they were having a laugh but it was a genuine question. I actually said that I did know him and that I know most gay people in the country. The person believed me and I felt the urge to bang my head on a brick wall.

    5) Are you gay?

    Honey, just because I am standing here dressed as a fairy and sprinkling glitter over myself, what makes you think that I am a homosexual? Oh. Ok so there have been times when it may have been apparent that I am gay, but on the whole, I wouldn’t say that I’m ‘obvious’. Maybe I should start going up to people and asking if they’re straight and when they say yes respond with “oh I’m fine with that, I know loads of straight people”.

    6) Are you the man or the woman in your relationship?

    What annoys me about this question is that it is quite clear that I am the man in the relationship as I am a man! My boyfriend is also a man. That’s what a gay relationship is; two men together, so asking which one is the woman is possibly the most stupid question somebody could ask. Variations of this question include ‘Are you the Arthur or the Martha?’ and the more direct ‘Are you the top or bottom?’, because let’s face it, by asking if you’re the man or the woman is someone’s way of determining whether you give or take it up the arse.

    7) When you get married will you be the bride or the groom?

    Following on from the previous question, this is a similar one. Again it is possibly a case of someone trying to find out if you are top or bottom or maybe it’s someone’s idea of humour. There’s nothing funny about it though. If two men are getting married then clearly there’s not going to be a bride.

    8) Does ‘it’ hurt?

    If someone asks that question I will ask them what they mean by ‘it’, even though I know what they’re asking. There’s something satisfying about watching someone squirm as they try to think of a way of asking ‘does it hurt when you have anal?’, without putting it quite like that. If people want to know whether it hurts or not, they should give it a go themselves. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. The answer is yes though.

    9) When did you know you were gay?

    This question was suggested by someone. I have to say it doesn’t always annoy me. It depends on who is asking and the way it’s asked. Being serious for a moment, I work with LGBTQ youth and sometimes they have important questions to ask, such as this one. I will always answer honestly and provide any necessary advice. When it comes to straight people asking the question, I find there’s usually a variation on it. ‘When did you choose to be gay?’ has been asked a few times. Now that does bother me. I don’t believe being gay is a choice. We have a choice whether to embrace it and live as gay people, but sexuality is not something we choose. I want to respond with ‘when did you choose to be ignorant?’ This question provides a topic for a whole separate discussion.

    10) Do you fancy him?

    I have a revelation to make here… Gay men do not fancy every man they see! I know, shocking isn’t it? Even worse is when a straight man asks if I fancy them. It’s like, don’t flatter yourself, mate. Just because I happen to be gay it does not mean that I am attracted to you. I have a type (rugged, stubbly, hairy types) and the guys who usually ask if I fancy them are far too preened and immaculate for my liking. It’s a no from me.

    So there we have it; my top 10 questions that gay men hate to be asked. I must admit I’ve rather enjoyed getting that off my chest. What am I into? Having a right good moan by the looks of it.

  • COLUMN: The Battle For Social Equality

    Saturday 29th March 2014 will forever be a wonderful day in the history of our country; the day same-sex couples were finally able to marry each other. It’s a wonderful progression in the struggle for equal rights and I am proud to be from a country that now has such laws. However, while it’s absolutely fabulous, we need to keep in mind that we are not done yet.

    Although pretty much having complete legal equality, there remains a huge amount of social inequality in this country. We often hear about the situation for LGBT people around the world in places such as Russia, Uganda and even America (supposedly a free land), but what we don’t hear about enough is what it’s like for LGBT people living in this country. There seems to be an assumption that everything is going to be ok now because we have marriage equality, but let’s remind ourselves that homophobia, transphobia and discrimination are still rife.

    I have some real life examples to refer to here. I have personally been barred from a pub in my local town for being gay. The explanation given to me by the manager was that I am a “f**king disgusting queer”. I challenged the barring and kicked up a fuss. It resulted in me being allowed back into the bar but it is something I chose not to do on principle.

    The same venue is now under different ownership and has changed its name, but discrimination still exists. I do a lot of work around LGBT community engagement with my local Council and am seen locally as the authority on anything gay (something I have never claimed to be), so I hear from a lot of people about their experiences of discrimination. Recently a gay couple were asked to leave the venue for kissing each other; something which is actually illegal. It has been brought to the attention of the Police but I am not aware that anything has been done about it.

    It’s not just an issue with one venue though. When hosting the first Warwickshire Pride festival in the summer of 2013 there was an incident of homophobia when a man called some of the stall holders “f**king queers”. Not too bad, perhaps. But what is bad is that the homophobe then went online to the stall holder’s Facebook page and began to message homophobic abuse to people and threaten them. The criminal offence was again reported to the Police but nothing could be done because it did not come directly from the person who was the victim of the abuse.

    A personal friend of mine has received transphobic abuse for a number of years and reported it to the Police on many occasions, even telling them some names of people who were being abusive. Nothing was done about the abuse and my friend continued to live in fear.

    It’s situations like this that give LGBT people such little faith in the authorities actually doing something about Hate Crime.

    Nationally we have political parties such as UKIP who appear to be anti-LGBT and say some really quite disgusting things about us. The scariest thing about that is the fact that these parties, particularly UKIP, are gaining a following. This will mostly be based on the apparent racist views of the party, but there will be people who agree with the anti-LGBT views too.

    In schools homophobic bullying is still rife. I know this first hand as I work with young people and regularly engage with schools in the area, or at least attempt to. Most schools don’t want to hear about sexuality and gender identity issues. You mention the acronym LGBT to them and they go into panic mode as if it’s something they want to avoid discussing. It’s here that the problem lies. I don’t necessarily think it’s down to schools not wanting to tackle homophobic bullying. I’d say it’s more a case of schools not being equipped to tackle it. What’s needed is a big change in the curriculum when it comes toPSHE/RSE (Personal, social, health and economic education) lessons. Schools must be required to discuss sexuality and gender identity with all students. And to do that I believe all teachers must attend diversity training that includes an LGBT section.

    These are necessary things that must happen if there is to be social change in this country. By educating our youth I believe we will find our society becomes more open and discrimination based on sexuality and gender identity lessens.

    The Police have a big responsibility too. Hate Crime is seen to be a priority but when homophobic or transphobic crimes are reported there seems to be little done about it. This results in a lack of trust in the Police and puts people off reporting the crimes. What we need is for the Police to better engage with LGBT people and offer some reassurance that reports of Hate Crime will be taken seriously and actually dealt with. The reporting process for Hate Crime itself also needs to be made easier and allow for a third party reporting the crime on someone else’s behalf if, for example, they are too scared to come forward.

    I am soon having a meeting with my MP to discuss these issues in detail and ask for his assistance in bringing positive social change locally. It’s a big ask, but I’ll continue lobbying the powers that be until it is a safer and more open society for LGBT people.

    I wish all the happiness in the world to any same-sex couple taking advantage of our new found freedom and choice to get married, but please do keep in mind that the battle is not over yet.

  • COMMENT | The T Community – Be Proud

    The vigil for Lucy Meadows that took place outside the Daily Fail HQ was a wonderful show of solidarity between people of all genders and sexualities, protesting for a common cause. Although is it awful and tragic what has happened, I did have to smile to myself at the sight of Trans visibility.

    Over the years there has been growing support for LGB people but support for T people seems to be lagging behind. I imagine that a lot of this is down to a lack of understanding of and exposure to trans individuals, but I do feel that sensationalism in the press has not helped. Transgender people do not get an easy time in the press and that was highlighted when Richard Littlejohn wrote his highly offensive piece in that awful rag. As many people believe what they read in the ‘newspapers’ (I use that word very loosely) that leads to further misunderstanding of what it is to be Trans and the whole process that is gone through.

    Personally I am accepting of all people from all walks of life. I couldn’t care less whether someone is black, white, gay, straight, bi, transgender, or anything else. My circle of friends is incredibly diverse and I also employ somebody who is trans. I see beyond sexuality and gender identity, and focus on personality and values that the person has. Someone’s constitution is far more important and interesting than whether someone likes men or women, or identifies as male or female. It’s a shame that people such as Mr Littlejohn and certain sections of the media in general are not so enlightened.

    I feel that the Lucy Meadows situation along with the recent Julie Burchill ruckus has seen a turning point in trans activism. The community is becoming more vocal and visible, and being brought to the forefront of the news. I think that’s fantastic and is long overdue.

    Transgender people I know have been scared to be so visible with who they are through fear of persecution, but I sincerely hope that this recent wave of activism and increased visibility leads to the empowerment of Transgender people up and down the country, and that they feel able to be more open about who they are.

    Obviously, things are not going to change overnight but the ball is now rolling. The vigil for Lucy Meadows showed that there is a sense of community and solidarity between Transgender people, but also that it extends to a wider community of enlightened human beings who do not accept the poor treatment of a minority. It’s that wider community that I am proud to be a part of.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COMMENT | Does The “Gay Community” Really Exist?

    I’m going to get straight to the point here and say NO! I do not believe that there is such a thing as a gay community these days. I know that some will disagree with me here and say that there’s absolutely a gay community, but I disagree.

    I think that these days there’s some confusion between a community and a group or clique. It’s my opinion that we now find ourselves in groups or cliques, with little essence of the community spirit that has existed in the past. I say this because the first image that popped into my head when thinking about the ‘gay community’ was one of the commercial scene. Although the scene is a small part of gay culture, it’s the most visible and I imagine it’s what most people would think about when discussing the gay community.

    Although I indulge in the scene now and again, in general, I think it’s quite an unhealthy place and can be absolutely vile at times. I don’t believe that there’s any sense of community on the scene. It’s always come across as an extremely shallow place. Well to me anyway.

    In the town where I live there are many gay people who typically fit into two groups.

    The first is the guys who have all had sex with each other, then fall out and bitch about each other before making up and having sex again. Then they fall out and the cycle continues. They would probably see themselves as a gay community but I see it as more a circle of filth and drama.

    The second group of gay guys in my town is very much a clique. It’s the very definition of a clique. The group is very exclusive and you will only be welcomed into their circle if you meet the standards that they have. It’s a materialistic clique that focuses on who has what, who has the biggest and best garden, and who has the best designer clothes. At their monthly Sunday lunches they all try to outdo each other and put on a more grand and expensive lunch than the previous host. This clique was once disgusted because someone who was sitting near them was wearing a shirt from Tesco. If it ain’t Dolce they don’t wanna know. One of the clique also openly said “these people are boring me” when friends of mine were trying to get acquainted with them. That kind of thing really annoys me and the word I would use to describe that way of living is ‘bollocks’. There’s no community there either. It’s just falseness and pretence.

    The sense of community in gay culture may not be completely lost. There are pockets of communities working to make life better for gay people. Sadly, in my opinion, they are a minority. What I am finding more prevalent is solidarity between gay people and their allies. An example of this is a pride event that I am trying to set up at the moment.

    Warwickshire is a quiet place and is lagging behind the rest of the country, but that is all set to change. I have started planning Warwickshire’s first gay pride event. The aim of Warwickshire Pride is to bring the community together to celebrate diversity. By community I mean the wider community; gay and straight people, and people of different races and religions, all coming together to celebrate diversity. All sorts of people from all walks of life are coming on board to help make this happen. It may be an LGBT pride but the straights are helping to make it happen too. There’s a real sense of community spirit with this process of putting on the event and that will be the purpose of occasion.

    I can’t see many of the gay people in my town being involved in the planning. There would be too much infighting and power games to get anything achieved. I think the same goes for gay guys on the commercial scene; there wouldn’t be a sense of community involved. It would be all about getting drunk, getting laid and making sure plenty of hot guys are there. The sense of community has definitely been lost over time. We’re no longer all in it together; we’re in it for ourselves.

    Except I’m not. I don’t really fit into any gay clique or any group in general. I’m an individual and it’s my individuality that I cherish so much. I am part of a community though. But it’s not a gay community; it something better than that – a community containing a diverse range of people that has spirit. I’d take that over a ‘gay community’ any day.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

     

  • COLUMN: Just A Phase You’re Going Through

    We all have fears about coming out. It’s only natural.

    We’re told all these horror stories about people being disowned and beaten, told we’re a little bit dirty and wrong by some sections of society and taught self loathing by others. For some, coming out as gay/lesbian/bi or transgender does become a total nightmare. There are plenty of unfortunate stories. For the majority though, it’s more of a whimper than a bang.

    Talking to friends about it, I quickly realised that for some it can be a humorous experience. Let’s face it: straight people can have some odd ideas. They’re a funny bunch.

    I’ll start with me (of course). I told my mother when I was 17. I’d already come out to all my friends a few years before and was pretty open about it. I’d left home and was actually living with a male partner so thought it was maybe time to spill the (not very well tinned) beans. I caught her on an evening when she was alone at home and braced myself with a large vodka.

    The response was:

    “I’m very relieved. I thought you might be bisexual and I don’t like that. It’s greedy.”

    I disagree with this but it did make me laugh.

    Next:

    “I’m a little bit sad. Homosexuals lead very sad and lonely lives.”

    Oh Mother, how wrong you were. It’s not the 1950s anymore. We don’t all lurk in shadows and pine over unavailable straight men. I’ve never been especially lonely. In fact I’ve met quite a lot of very nice men, some not so nice men and some terrible monsters. Being gay has meant I’ve met a fair few men. Not to mention all those women who long for a gay best friend. It’s the latest accessory along with a pug and Radley handbag. I’ve also had a few long relationships which were fulfilling and fun, mostly.

    Finally:

    “I won’t tell your dad. He won’t accept it. I won’t tell your brother either and your grandmothers are too old to understand.”

    Within a week she’d told them all and they all accepted and understood. It wasn’t spoken of much, which is our way of dealing with things. It’s a British thing I think.

    Enough about me. Here’s what happened to some of my mates. The names have been changed to protect the less than innocent:

     

    1) Patrick told his parents and they took him to the doctor who told them it was a terrible phase he was going through. That was nearly 40 years ago. He’s still waiting for the straight phase to start.

     

    2) Dan told his mum and gran together (ten out of ten for bravery there). His gran chirped up “Ignore him Maureen. He’s making it up. He’s always been a little show off.”

     

    3) Adam’s mum asked him if it was a side effect of drug taking. That’s a new one for the ‘Just Say No!’ Campaign.

     

    4) Matt’s mum said “Gay? That meant happy when I was young. They can’t all be bloody happy can they” She’s not wrong.

     

    5) Jack had been married and had a teenage son and a very angry ex-wife who outed him to his son. His son’s response: “If that’s a lie then you’re wrong for lying. If it’s not a lie then you’re wrong for not letting him tell me himself.” I think he was a wise young man. He also accepted that his dad was gay.

     

    6) Seth’s gran blamed it on his sister. She believed that his sister had turned him gay by leaving her text books lying around the house whilst training to be a midwife. Mind you, those pictures can be grisly.

     

    7) Ben’s dad seemed to think there was inevitability that he’d end up having sex in public in toilets and develop A.I.D.S. He’s done neither yet.

     

    8) Mark woke his parent’s up and told them one night and his dad was jubilant. “See! I’ve been telling you for years he was gay.” He suspects they may have had a bet on.

     

    9) Max came out to a friend at Uni who said “Great! I’ve always wanted a gay friend!” They didn’t become friends.

     

    10) Rich was petrified that his teenage children would be teased at school. In reality, they had a lot of jealous friends who thought having a gay dad was pretty damn cool.

     

    Joking apart, coming out can be scary and we don’t all get the supportive or warm reactions we deserve. If you’ve done it then congratulations; if you haven’t then good luck. I hope it goes well. If you don’t want to do it then it’s your prerogative. Who am I to judge?