THEGAYUK

Author: Dannii Cohen

  • How do you deal with the pain of bereavement?

    The loss of life after the Orlando tragedies is almost impossible to comprehend. As we, the LGBT community feel intuitively connected to those in our community, no matter where we are the attack felt close to home. It felt as if members of our own family were targeted at that club and it will probably be a very long time before we have emotionally recovered from the damage.

    How to deal with death

    If it feels that way for us. Imagine how it must feel for those that knew the victims: their partners, their parents, their friends and family. How will they cope? If someone close to you was among the victims, how will you cope?

    As Maria V. Snyder says in Storm Glass;

    “Everyone grieves in different ways. For some, it could take longer or shorter. I do know it never disappears. An ember still smoulders inside me. Most days, I don’t notice it, but, out of the blue, it’ll flare to life.”

    Sudden loss and bereavement can leave you feeling numb, overcome with grieve or confused. The loss of someone close to you hits hard and deep. There is the shock, the disbelieve, having to comfort and be strong for others, guilt, denial and often much, much later the true outpouring of pain and hurt.

    The fact that the true response only comes weeks and sometimes months after the event makes it harder to cope with. You thought you had been dealing well, your friends and family thought you had moved on, you had returned to work. And suddenly there you are, in tears every night, feeling worse than the day you heard the news. Reality hit you: he or she is truly gone.

    A lot people try to ignore this reaction: it is silly, you can’t suddenly feel like this after all this time.

    They feel too embarrassed to tell those closest to them, often thinking: “it’s been such a long time, they may think I’m attention seeking.”

    Then there are many that just cannot stop grieving. This is often wrongly judged as “wallowing”, but it is not. The hole left behind by the loved one is so big that they simply don’t know how to cope. There are people out there that get knocked for six with just their favourite TV show ending – it was part of their lives – so imagine if it is a person you saw and loved every day for many years.
    Like the delayed griever, they might too try to repress their emotions, thinking it is the right thing to do. No, it is the wrong thing to do.

    Repressing the pain can lead to physical manifestations of the pain often in the form of depression.
    So please do seek someone to talk to, a person you truly trust. Go online to find like-minded people. Or seek counselling, there is no shame in this!! A therapist has the skills to deal with your problems and you don’t need to worry about them not wanting to listen to you: it’s their job!!

    A good way to accompany counselling or to try and deal with the pain, in general, is to practise Mindfulness. This might surprise you because isn’t Mindfulness about “being in the moment, and isn’t “the moment” exactly what we are trying to avoid? Well, “the moment” is a big part of it, but what is far more important is getting the mind to be still, so you are no longer a prisoner of your thoughts. Training your mind to be quiet is a good aid to tide you over when you feel grief and despair washing over you.

    Sameet Kumar, Ph.D., author of Grieving Mindfully and The Mindful Path Through Worry and Rumination says:

    “Grief can often feel like chronic stress, and research shows that 20-30 minutes of twice daily mindfulness practice can alter how your brain processes stress after about eight weeks. Mindfulness practice during grief can help your mind and body find precious moments of peace during this difficult time. Regular mindfulness practice can also help you sleep better and is a crucial foundation for developing healthier habits during your grief journey.”

    There are many courses out there so you can pick any that would serve you best. Taking a course would also help get you out of the house into a new situation where you can meet new people, so it is always a win. If you don’t feel like going out, there are dozens of online classes available too, many of them free.

    While counselling and mindfulness might work to help you on your way, you still have to take it one day at the time. For every good day there can be four bad ones.

    But if you cherish these good days and every fun moment you experience you can remind yourself on the bad days that: you are allowed to have fun and don’t have to feel guilty. When you start believing this you can slowly move on.

    Never force yourself to move on if you don’t feel ready, though: you are allowed bad days too. You don’t have to get up if you don’t want to, there is no fault in that. In many ways it is healthy to not force yourself out of a depression. It has been said that the best way to look at depression is to treat it like a flu inside the brain. But don’t forget: a flu doesn’t last four weeks and even people with the flu have to do their shopping and take a shower.

    By this I mean: don’t start to neglect yourself, it will only drag you down more. Always take a shower and try to eat something, even on the bad days.

    Use the good days to make plans with someone you like. In fact, make a deal with someone you like that says that: if you have been in bed or at the house and depressed for more than 3 days, they have to take you out for a walk, a lunch, the zoo etc and you are not allowed to complain.

    Once you are outside the mind usually clears and a new happy moment to treasure during the bad times will follow.

    Remember: no matter how bad you may feel now, there is always hope.

  • INTERVIEW: The Gay Director Who Was The Last Artist To Work With David Bowie

    Multi award-winning Broadway and West End director Ivo van Hove was the last artist to work with David Bowie before the beloved star died of cancer on Monday January the 11th. He became Bowie’s closest confidant when the two worked on the musical play Lazarus.

    Ivo, who is openly gay and has lived with his partner set designer Jan Versweyveld for over 35 years, was one of the few the singer confided in.
    “We began collaborating on our show, Lazarus, and at some point, he took me to one side to say that he wouldn’t always be able to be there due to his illness.” van Hove had to hide the difficult secret for more than a year.
    “I hid it, even from my partner. David did not want the show or his album tainted by his condition, even though they are final testaments.”
    Van Hove felt that Bowie was channelling himself when writing the character Newton, the lead character in the play.
    “I remember him reading and singing the complete show, he performed it for me in its entirety the first time. It seemed very existential, I understood Newton was him, and I told him: “I think I have to direct it as if it’s all in the head of Newton.” He was so happy I got it: “That’s exactly how I want it,” he said.
    “He slipped up once, revealing the story was really about him. I was talking to him about the songs, a unique moment I was allowed to ask him anything. Coco Schwaab said he never told anyone in the whole world as much about his songs as he told me. We were talking about Heroes, the ending and I told him my idea: I wanted to let the little girl disappear in the air. And he looked at me in horror: ‘But what happens to me then?’
    “So Freudian: he didn’t want me to know the story was about him, but it was. Newton was truly Bowie and I was thoroughly aware of that but I never spoke to anyone about it.
    The lyrics were so obvious in the play: ‘I’m a dying man that can’t die’. Just a quick sentence, but I couldn’t tell the actors its true meaning. I was at the birth of the play and told David we need one song that establishes the character completely.
    “He brought me a demo of Lazarus almost immediately. To me it was obvious: that was the entire play in a song. In the play near the end of the song Newton sees a “blue bird” and he says: ‘A blue bird. The blue bird is me. Maybe I come back, reincarnate as a blue bird.’
    “It symbolises hope. He has a 15-year-old daughter whom he wanted to leave with something, not just the darkness, which was so important. That’s why in the play there was a 13-year-old girl in the lead singing Life on Mars and Heroes with Newton. For Bowie that was his daughter singing to him.”
    Sadly Bowie’s declining health meant he could not be there for all stages of the rehearsal to stage process.
    “Often I’d call him to invite him for run-throughs the next day, he’d say, ‘No, I have a bad day’. Which, for him, was a very British understatement meaning, ‘It’s really not going well.’
    But he did visit as much as possible, which was a lot. And when he was there he was always dressed pristinely and smelled gorgeous, a true gentleman. You could see he’d gathered all his energy to be there and he’d stay for a very long time saying, ‘I’m hanging out, Ivo, I like it here’, completely relaxed.
    “The week before the premier he had not been able to make it to rehearsals or previews. He sent me a message saying, ‘I hope to get there by the premier’.
    “To me it meant he’d hope to get there or ‘maybe I’ll be gone for good”.
    “I thought he’d never make it to the premier, he was so ill. But he did and I’m so happy about that. He said, ‘I’m so happy I saw this.’
    “So many papers said he looked glorious, was shining, but the moment he stepped of stage he keeled over, he physically collapsed. Thankfully all the performers had already left to the dressing rooms, so no-one saw. I sat there with him for twenty minutes until his wife came to him; we had to wait until he was strong enough to make it to the car. After his collapse I’d kept talking to him for twenty minutes about everything. He remained calm, but was so very vulnerable, so fragile. I miss him so much, I loved him. I think I might be the last person to work with him.

    The moment he got into his black car I knew this will be the last time I see him. I fully knew this.”

    About the video for Blackstar he says:

    “The video was obvious. The skeleton in a space suit, Major Tom. He wrote Space Oddity and Ashes to Ashes now dust to dust the conclusion. The whole video is full of it: the blindfold that reappears in Lazarus. The idea comes from a Greek tragedy. He was a well read clever man. He was influenced by books and visual art. You can see the iconography, completely developed by him. He knew everything often very obscure rare facts. He visited the Richter exhibition at least three times telling me, ‘Ivo you have to go, you have to go’, even though he knew I didn’t like art exhibitions.

    “I’m not sure if he planned his death, but it seems a bit too coincidental. He certainly planned for Blackstar to be released when it was – his birthday. It’s too coincidental. On the song “The Girl Loves Me” he asks, ‘where the f*ck did Monday go?’ I’ve got no evidence but I think he did. At the end in, “I Can’t Give Everything Away” he explains it all. ‘I gave you everything but I kept a little for me. I’m sorry.’
    “It was like Mozart writing his requiem or the famous Dennis Porter who kept writing scripts on his deathbed. His death became his final piece of art, it might sound strange but it’s what he wanted.”

     

     

  • 5 Steps To Finding Your LGBT Identity

    Being part of the LGBT family means that it is harder to find a role model to look up to: while there are more LGBT faces in the media then there where five to ten years ago 98% of what we see and hear about is straight people in straight relationships.

    In our day to day life too: straight is usually the norm. If you come from a deeply religious family finding your true self is even more difficult.
    So it is still up to the individual to develop their own unique personae and see how to fit your sexuality in your life.
    Finding yourself can be difficult or easy: it depends on a persons own mental strength, how they are raised, their family situation and their support network.

    It can be a long journey that takes difficulty and courage, but most get there in the end.

    The most important thing is finding people who are supportive of you whether in physical form or on the internet. The difference a friendly person in a chat-room or an understanding e-mail can make must not be underestimated.

    The other important thing is inner strength: when faced with disapproval and homophobia from people around us.

    5 tips to build your mental and emotional strength and identity in the LGBT world:

    Affirmations:

    Build your self esteem by positive affirmations. Search books an the internet for positive quotes, poems and songs about gay life and repeat these to yourself as often as you feel necessary. Memorise them if needed.
    Tolerance:

    This one might seem odd: why would you tolerate those that do not tolerate you? Well, it just makes things easier. If you are forced to put up with people at work or intolerant neighbours there is merit in the old practise of “letting the idiot talk”. As long as someone is not harming you or have it in for you personally, let people spill their bile and ignore it. Often people are so fixed in their opinions that it is a waste of time to get upset about it or to try and change them. Smile, think of something else, pity the fool and then carry on with your day.
    Read and watch:

    Seek out videos, books and articles of other people that describe their journey and follow the advise that speaks to you. Even if you do not care for any of the advise given, it is good to take comfort in the fact that there are others like you out there that took the same journey and made it.

    Reach out:

    As said earlier it is important to get to know other LGBT people be it in person or online. You don’t need to go to clubs or bars immediately, that can be scary. Try to find an LGBT support group, a book-club or even a fitness club. People often think they immediately have to go to clubs and sometimes this scares them: Clubs are fun, but not the only place to meet with other LGBT members.

    Don’t expect too much:

    People often think that once they set out on the scene and come out to their friends and family everything will be different, a new life starts and it will be wonderful. Sadly no, these sparkling coming out movies are just that: movies. It takes time to find your way in the scene, to meet someone and build a life. Also you will have to come out more then once: you will have to come out to every new person that becomes part of your life and you will continue to get into situations where you face prejudice and homophobia. If you accept these possibilities and try to make the most of the good things in life everything else will come easily.

    by Dannii Cohen

    Dannii Cohen is a psychologist, counsellor and author specialised in LGBT issues.

  • 10 Ways To Wake Up Happy

    10 Ways To Wake Up Happy

    How we wake up, sets us up for the rest of our day.

    Could blue light be keeping you up and creating a bad environment for you? CREDIT: Minerva-Studio-bigstock

    Sadly most people these days wake up as stressed as they went to bed. This means that we often wake up dreading the day instead of being ready to take it on. It is easy to change this by doing a few simple things in your early morning routine, but a lot of people think this might take too much time.

    This is a misconception as in fact: taking a few minutes in the morning to get ready for the day will boost your energy levels and will make you work faster: leaving you with more time by the end of the day to do things you really want to do: like hobbies.

    1. Avoid screens (1). Waking up clear headed begins with going to bed clear headed. Stop turning on your computer late at night thinking “I’ll just do that one last thing …” as we all know you’ll still be doing that one last thing at 3.00PM. Instead of pulling all-nighters you’ll be far more productive during the day if you avoid flashing screens altogether for at least half an hour before you go to sleep. Rest your mind with a book or listening to some soft music or a radio play.

    Your brain needs to recover from the glare of the computer, followed by the glare of the TV. An overload of images right before going to bed is detrimental to a good nights rest.

    2. Get things ready before going to bed. Choose what you’re going to wear the next day early the evening before. After this think about what else you might need and put it out. Getting details in order the evening before saves you precious time and stress in the morning.

    3. Wake up at-least half an hour before you have to. It’s a myth to think that it’s that extra half hour of sleep that would help you to wake up feeling refreshed. You’d be surprised to know that this is not the case. Waking up a little earlier means you can start your day slow and relaxed, as you have some time for yourself instead of; jumping out of bed, rushing into the shower, wolfing down your breakfast and dashing out.

    4. Do NOT set an alarm. This might sound odd, but there is a very good reason for this: when you use an alarm to stir you in the morning you do not wake up naturally. The sudden beeps of the alarm disrupt your sleep and you jolt awake abruptly, stressed out before you’ve even opened your eyes. Hitting the snooze button after this makes things even worse as dozing off means you will be waking up again ten minutes later at the beginning of the sleep cycle. The worst point to be woken up.

    Instead of using your alarm try and exercise mind and body into resetting your biological clock so you’ll wake naturally. I do not advise to start training this during a working week as you may run into trouble.

    5. Avoid screens (2). Do not reach out for your phone or laptop the second you wake up. Those e-mails, messages and Tweets can wait. Immediately going for the phone means you’re starting work the moment you wake up causing stress levels to rise abruptly. Reading Twitter does not equal time for yourself. The internet late at night you’ll be on that phone/tablet for the next 40+ minutes, losing precious time and will stressed for the rest of the day.

    6. Begin the day with positive affirmations: Find a motivational meditation that speaks to you and play it the moment you wake up. Early in the morning, your mind is very susceptible and the affirmations will remain with you throughout the day.

    Alternatively, if you do not like to play recordings early in the morning: reading positive affirmations instead will do just as well.

    7. Go over your daily goals: What was it you had planned for the day? What is essential? Remember it and think about how you want to do it.

    8. Do some exercise: Some people swear by exercising first thing in the morning: it is easy to see why: it gets done and sets you up for the rest of the day. It is also obvious why many more people feel quite queasy at the thought of doing strenuous exercise first thing in the morning.

    Still, even if you don’t like working out first thing in the morning, it is a good idea to at least do something to wake up your body, your metabolism and your mind. Try ten minutes of easy exercise that suit you. A bit of yoga, for example, a few sit-ups a little cardio or pilates, even going up and down the stairs a few times. (Always, always stretch before anything you do though!!) Doing some moves early in the morning is like physical coffee that gets you going.

    9. Practice Mindfulness: Take your breakfast and relax. Eat slowly and try to truly taste what you are eating. After you have finished don’t jump up immediately but slowly close your eyes and do a brief body scan. Take a few breaths and pay attention to what you feel and hear around you. This should take no more than two or three minutes: a mini meditation.

    10. Talk to your loved ones: Take some time out to talk to your partner/family or live in friend. Give a kiss and a cuddle. The best way to start the day is with love.

  • BOOK REVIEW | Jessica’s Ghost by Andrew Norriss

    ★★★★★ | Jessica’s Ghost

    “Why, Francis wondered, should ‘being different’ be so painful? Why did it matter so much when, if you thought about it, everybody was different in one way or another.”

    These days we seem to be hearing a lot more about suicide then we did a few years ago. Stories of people committing suicide for many reasons. But also people thinking about suicide and, thankfully, suicide prevention. Is it an epidemic or are we simply more aware thanks to social media? It’s unclear, but one thing that is obvious is that there is always a reason why people decide to end their lives and usually this reason is called depression.

    The largest group to feel driven to suicide are teenagers and they are often the ones that can’t understand what is going on with them. They are usually unaware of depression so don’t know why they feel the way they do.

    Depressed teens are more often than not the ones that are seen as “different” from the rest for whatever reason and the ones that are bullied. The combination of all this, and the fact that teens find it difficult to communicate their feelings is often what is behind a teenage suicide attempt.

    Knowing all of this it is strange that there are so few books for (pre-)teens that explain depression in a way that is clear but also entertaining at the same time, until now.

    Jessica’s Ghost written by Andrew Norriss is an amazing book that deals with three early teenagers and a (teenage) ghost whom have all experienced depression and feeling “an outsider” for different reasons.

    Most The Gay UK readers might remember Norriss as one of the writer/creators of the classic sitcom The Brittas Empire featuring not only the dishy Chris Barrie (in tight shorts) but also the first and (only) gay couple to feature in a prime-time family BBC1 show. This show was not afraid to tackle difficult subjects for family audience in a funny and witty way and this book is no different.

    Jessica’s Ghost starts with protagonist Francis whom is mocked at school for his love of fashion and sewing and just not fitting in with the crowd. One day he meets a young girl called Jessica and she just happens to be a ghost. Through her his life and the lives of several others change drastically.

    It is a wonderful book and the way it deals with depression and even suicide is beautiful. Even though these subject matters may seem dark, the book is written in a way that is funny and relatable. During the course of many adventures the book describes how depression feels, how important it is to talk and how yes, things will get better.

    Andrew Norriss’ book is a breath of fresh air in a time where many people – including writers- still shy away from discussing mental health issues especially for young people despite a clear need for this.

    I feel this book should be recommended by (child) psychologists to help bring a better understanding about depression. Having been through this myself as a teenager I know that a book like this would have certainly helped me a lot.

     

    Available on Amazon

  • The five best Abba comedy videos

    With Eurovision rapidly approaching most of us are recalling the dazzling days of yore where the contest could create lasting stars and songs the whole world remembered.

    No act, though, could ever match the massive legend that would become ABBA the fabulous foursome left a legacy that continues to influence new generations.

    The most interesting thing is that ABBA did not just touch the gay scene and the music scene, but the comedy scene as well.

    Let’s take a look at some British comedians whose acts were touched by Swedish genius.

    5 ½. Dannii Cohen Yes, I too am part of those the group influenced. When starting out as a comic in the late 90s I had a comedy music group with a friend. It was called Mayallzone: named in tribute to both Rik Mayall and Boyzone (yes, yes I know.) The music was strictly ABBA, though. Understandably, it did not last very long.

    Okay, now that’s out of the way:

    Let’s take a look at some British comedians whose acts were touched by Swedish genius.

    5. Peter Kay Kay has acknowledged his love for ABBA several times, giving a rare interview to talk about the group in a documentary about 1976 and even refusing to host ITV’s Sunday Night at the London Palladium because the group would not reform for him.

    He performed the Bjorn and Benny classic “I Know Him So Well” with Susan Boyle for Comic Relief.

    4. Rowan Atkinson Starting with this amazing performance with the cast of Not The Nine O’Clock News:

    Rowan has used the music of ABBA on various occasions, with this great scene of Johnny English as a highlight.

    3. David Walliams What was it that made David Walliams survive the gruelling swim down the Thames in 2011? Was it strength and pure determination? Or did it have something to do with playing music by 4 magic Swedes in his head? It certainly helped. David requested various songs by ABBA when calling into radio stations for updates about the swim, but no song drove him more then the all time classic Dancing Queen, his favourite song, which saw him through the worst day of the swim, when falling ill.

    After recovering he paid tribute to the group on Sport Relief night with pall Miranda Hart.

    (Bonus: a very funny sketch ABBA sketch from his Rock Profile series)

    2. Steve Coogan AHA!! With the first series of his TV show named after an ABBA track Steve was a strong contender for the number one spot. In earlier years, of course Steve Coogan claims it is Alan Partridge who is the ABBA fan, but no-one can know so much detail about a group and it’s music without being a fan.

    One of his inner circle has claimed that one one occasion he was given a lift by Coogan and the car radio was on, playing songs by ABBA loudly. Coogan blushed, swiftly switched it of and exclaimed: “JUST RESEARCH!!” Yeah, right. In recent years he admitted: “Just because Alan likes it, it doesn’t mean it must be naff. That’s very two-dimensional thinking. A lot of the music I choose for Alan is stuff I like.”During recent series The Trip with friend Rob Brydon the duo perform The Winner Takes it all in a bar.

    1. Rik Mayall – Who else!! In the early 90s during his Rik Mayall Presents series, Rik starred in a fabulous movie called “Dancing Queen” about a man falling in love with the stripper (Helena Bonham Carter) who dances at his wedding. A lovely romantic comedy romp.

    Over the years Rik often referenced ABBA (with “Money, Money, Money” even being used in The New Statesman). And now here’s for a twist: ABBA were fans of him too!! Well, at least Bjorn and Benny, which led to him being cast in ABBA’s Our Last Video Ever. The role of the producer was written especially for him and shows all the signs of his trademark humour.

    With this trump card there was no doubt Rik should be number one!!

  • Bruce Jenner And What It Truly Means To Be Transgender

    Over the past few months we have read and heard a lot of opinions on Bruce Jenner former sports hero and field athlete and currently world famous for his part in Keeping up with the Kardashians, starring his famous (step) children.

    Once the world realised that his appearance was gradually changing: more feminine features, nail polish, longer hair the rumour mill started, the jokes started and in the end it was decided that Bruce Jenner could be just another figure for ridicule. It is media, and often human, nature to poke fun at those that are different. It is a defence mechanism we use to make sense of our world, but over the last twenty years the tabloid papers, aided by late night show comedians, have turned it into an acceptable way of dehumanising people they do not care for. The general public usually accepted these views and took them on board, until this week.

    Bruce’s coming out was a big issue in the trans community and gave a face to an often hidden part of society. But after all the attention stories and interviews do people now understand what it is like to be transgender? To not feel at home in your body, to never feel you can be yourself in public? To feel physical pain when you are addressed as “he” when in your mind and soul you feel it’s “she” or vise versa? For most people the answer is probably “no”, because this is the part of the story that got lost in all the chaos.

    The step Bruce Jenner took this week, his public coming out, is neither the beginning nor the ending of his journey. It is a halfway point. Being transgender is a lifelong journey that usually starts at a young age.

    Transgender children often realise they are different when they become aware of gender differences: the ways in which differ from girls in appearance, dress and expected behaviour. This causes upset and confusion in a gender dysphoric child as before, like any other child, it was not aware that this difference even existed. From this moment on the child suddenly becomes an outsider, it doesn’t fit in anymore and a lifetime of struggle begins. Imagine waking up day after day knowing you do not belong anywhere, you are neither a boy nor a girl and people do not understand you. Picture yourself suddenly waking up and finding you are a dog, you know you’re human but no-one else sees it, so they all treat you as someone you are not. How would that make you feel? Then imagine living like this for the rest of your life!! Not good, is it?

    Bruce Jenner spoke and it made a difference: It is now accepted that he wants to continue his life as a woman, something he feels he has been all his life. The media have slowly decided to accept him and slightly changed their tone after his interview, mainly because there has been an unprecedented outpouring of support from the general public.

    His honest interview has touched peoples hearts and created an understanding about his struggle.

    It also saw the birth of a very lovely wave of support via social media via the hashtag #PaintYourNailsForBruce. Via the hashtag male supporters of Bruce Jenner post pictures of themselves with painted nails.


    The fact that many of these men are “Straight manly men” makes it all even better.

    ”But,” you may think, “isn’t it accepted now? A few hormones, a new haircut and a few operations and it’s settled, right?” Wrong. Hormones and operations are but a tiny fraction of it all. There are friends and family who might not understand or support the feelings of the transgender. And even if they accept it, there is the inner psychology to be dealt with: self acceptance, the strength to take a long painful and lonely road. The courage to present yourself to the world, coming out day after day: at work, to new people you meet, making them see what you feel. Then there is the constant threat of violence: the rates of crime against transgender is very high according to transviolencetracker.org.

    Living with gender dysphoria is a constant battle, so it’s not surprising that the suicide rates in the transgender community are very high. At least 1 in 5 has tried suicide at-least once, while two out of three has had considered it at several points in life – even after transition.

    Thankfully we have reached a point where many parents are aware of the existence of gender dysphoria; they seek medical help and advice which means that few percent of the new trans generation can grow up as the gender they feel they are instead of the one they are forced to be. Still, this percent of happy trans teens growing up accepted and understood is still very low. This is such a shame, because if gender dysphoria is discovered early in life a trans youth can be prescribed puberty blockers, causing puberty to delay. This means the characteristics of gender are stalled (breasts, menstruation, Adams apple, hair growth etc.) This gives the child the chance to figure out what they want and if they are certain about wanting to undergo treatment to develop into the gender they feel they are. Once certain medication can be taken and the transformation can start.

    The older you get, the more difficult things can be, even more so if a person is only certain about their identity later in life. Which can happen.

    It is certain that the Bruce Jenner story has put a spotlight on the transgender community. Hopefully this will lead to more trans voices being heard and more acceptance and understanding in the future.

    Thank you for your bravery, Bruce.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

     

  • OP ED | Tragic Lesbians And Clunky Love Stories: Does TV Have Trouble With Lesbian Love?

    OP ED | Tragic Lesbians And Clunky Love Stories: Does TV Have Trouble With Lesbian Love?

    After an episode in Call the Midwife in mid-March there was a clear split between viewers: there were those that praised the strong (though crowded) storyline and viewers from the LGBT community (mainly the L) that were reeling and disappointed by yet another blow to a gay TV couple.

    For a long time now gay viewers have complained by the lack of happy gay couples on TV, lesbians, in particular, have felt hard done by with several TV shows killing or “turning straight” lesbian characters. So with hardly any TV representation and coming hot on the heals of Last Tango in Halifax “lesbian hit by car” plot-line, repeating this on Midwife hit hard.

    Viewers took to internet and message-boards to express their sadness, grief and anger.

    https://twitter.com/CanhamLauren/status/574688881838288896?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

    https://twitter.com/Laneytog/status/574680891710111745?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

    https://twitter.com/seraudnitz/status/574679676205068288?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

    https://twitter.com/hearnsolo/status/574679103250513920?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

    https://twitter.com/hearnsolo/status/574679103250513920?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

    “While on The L Chat people said: Lesbians strive to gain greater social acceptance and respect as a minority. But millions of people watch these family oriented Sunday evening dramas (CTM, LTiH) and will come to accept that this is a pattern, that lesbians don’t matter much. It can help to shape viewers’ perceptions, that lesbians are less valuable as people, are dispensable, don’t deserve a happy life together. TV is a powerful medium and can have a huge impact on how people think.”

    The fact that it was Call the Midwife, known for its deep and well-researched and often educational storylines presenting this story hurt the most. I, though, am less surprised.

    At the end of last year’s Call the Midwife I wrote a column criticising nurse Patsy’s badly written coded coming out. I was told by viewers to wait and see, because they were sure that the story would be handled better in the coming season.

    So come January I sat down, and halfway through the series, I begun to feel I might be happily proven wrong in my initial criticism. I watch Patsy blossom, become opener, stand up for her believes and finally find love. Still, though, I felt something missing. Patsy’s love story always seemed written as an afterthought. It was there, the right things were said, but it seemed rushed as if the script had been written and the writer then remembered: “Oh, what about Patsy!!”

    Compared to the love stories of Chummy, Trixy and Shelagh where episodes were dedicated to their falling, doubts and other things that lovers do, the two or three minutes we got to spend with Patsy and Delia were crumbs. I had hoped for something stronger, especially after the hart hitting “The Undesirables” (though I found the comparison between LGBT and rats a bit, well … odd). Why not counter this with in the last episode with the girls setting up life together as good as they could. The drama could have come from these girls having to hide their love, while Fred and Vi had their wedding. After a whole years and season of waiting this felt very much like a cop out.

    Soon complaints were sent off to head writer Heidi Thomas and the BBC. Some viewers were so disappointed that they might have expressed a bit more strongly then they otherwise would, scaring Heidi. She told followers: “The hate mail has come from people who feel they should only be allowed to be happy. It is very difficult and may well frighten others away from creating gay characters. Never mind – it doesn’t frighten me!”

    With this reply she seems to have missed the point. Having a strong, settled gay couple in one of the biggest TV shows in the UK means a lot. Of course not everyone has to be happy, but it seems as if TV writers thrive on having no gay couple happy. This is very damaging to young people, as it tells them gay relationships are unhappy by default.

    Supporters of Heidi say that the relationship ending like this is realistic for the time the series is set in. Well, none of my family recalls every lesbian in the 50s or 60s being hit by a car and suffering amnesia, forgetting her sexual orientation. There were thousands of very secret but not less loving relationships out there. In fact there are many lesbian couples from the 1960s still together now.

    A storyline focusing on the girls living together and dealing with the difficulties thrown at them while sticking together would have been much more daring and original then throwing a dated cliché at us.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COMMENT: Why The World Needs David Walliams

    Last Wednesday it was announced in the media that David Walliams and Lara Stone are divorcing.

    As David has always been a very private man this should have been, enough information to satisfy anyone not in their immediate circle. But surprisingly, the next day there was an avalanche of headlines and frontages that seemed almost from a different era. The blame was put squarely on David’s beloved camp persona and his love for playing female characters.

    The writing seemed offensively homophobic and more about the change of hurting David than an article informing the public on why the couple are divorcing.

    (The claim that Lara did not know about David’s image before they were married seems quite far-fetched, as she spoke about watching his work following their courtship in interviews soon after they begun dating.)

    On Twitter and message boards two certain groups of people seemed very concerned with David’s sexuality and his dresses, as if the two are always mutually inclusive.

    Isn’t it sad that in 2015 a camp man with a love for dressing up still seems so threatening to the media and certain parts of the population?

    The idea of a man being at ease with his feminine side and appreciating same sex beauty still seems like one of the biggest taboos in the world (one man even wrote to the Daily Telegraph to say people like him should be castrated. And no, he was not part of ISIS.)

    David has always fought against these taboos, from his earliest interviews on he has spread the message that being locked in a box of forced masculinity is boring and worse, limiting. It is also damaging to some-one’s personality, always having to think about whether doing something is or isn’t “gay” or “feminine”. People raised to be aware of such things are often the ones that end up attacking others who are more “open minded” and free spirited.

    In a time where people who are transgender, gay, flamboyant or in any other way different from the “norm” are facing fresh oppression around the world (homophobia is rising in the UK), people like David are needed to spread a counter message.

    David is working hard at doing this and is succeeding.

    His book The Boy in the Dress, which he admitted was semi autobiographical, is selling in countries where being gay, trans or different is illegal, changing young peoples outlook, showing that being different is actually being normal.

    In the UK the book has changed young boys considerably and in a good way: helping them understand and accept their more feminine male classmates.

    This World’s Book Day it was clear how much of a difference David is truly making: his timeline was flooded with young boys proudly in dresses, some mothers said they even demanded makeup! These boys were not afraid to do what they wanted, not limited in their choices: they just thought wearing a dress was fun. This book has opened their eyes. So if in future they may see or be the person that preferences the feminine over the masculine, they will see it as normal – having David’s message in their mind.

    But he has done more. The following might sound odd to people, but his flirting with Simon Cowell (and other men,) which has also been judged by the media and parts of the public, is also important to society. When David first appeared on Got Talent having David flirt with Simon on a big pre-watershed family TV show tells the world: “Hey, flirting with someone of the same gender is not weird or scary. It’s just as normal as a male judge flirting with a female judge.” And yes, it has brought difference. Young kids are talking about “loving” how David flirts with Simon, saying they want that kind of relationship too. They are “shipping” them as they would male and female characters. They see it as normal. Also David is not “pretending” to be gay, as some say.

    Over the years he has made it as clear as possible, without actually saying the words, that he has attraction to men and women, and would just at as easily have married a man had he found the right one.

    NOT that it matters, as that is not the message he is trying to spread. He is going beyond this, saying everyone should be able to be who they are: difference is to be celebrated. This has even affected Simon Cowell, who has changed considerably and even allowed David to put him in a dress and last season had David sat on his lap.

    Maybe this is what scares some people so much about David Walliams. They fear he is threatening their masculinity, their sexuality.

    Is his mission to put every man in drag and make up? Is he forcing people into homosexuality?

    Of course he is not, don’t be ridicules. No, he is just trying to change your attitude. It is not just about dresses or sexuality or gender, but difference: “It is alright to be different”. He is trying to spread tolerance.

    Think about it: who wouldn’t want to live in a world where no one is judged for being who they are? This is his message and if the new generation can understand that message, if boys and girls alike can be free in how they want to express themselves, maybe it is time that the adults allowed themselves this freedom again too.

    Many parents, thankfully do understand, as these messages posted to him show:

    Thankfully David still seems to be himself. When asked at his book tour on Thursday ‘if stealing was legal, what would you like to steal?’ David quickly retorted: ‘Simon Cowell’s heart’…

     

    NEVER change!

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.