THEGAYUK

Author: Dannii Cohen

  • INTERVIEW | Patricia Garvey

    INTERVIEW | Patricia Garvey

    Patricia Garvey

    Patsy Noms da'Cake Garvey

    Who Are You?
    My name is Patricia Garvey, Im a 26 year old that’s born and raised in Derby.

    Why and when did you decide to become a Drag King or do FTM Cosplay?
    I can’t really say, I’ve always loved dressing up, even the days when I use to be the blonde haired, blue eyed 5-year-old who loved all things that were pink and fluffy. But even when I loved those things, if my friends wanted to play games and someone had to be the man, I’d happily play the guy. And as I grew older, I just went ahead and wore what I felt comfortable in, which just so happened to be guys clothes.

    Do you have a favourite character? (Why is he your favourite?)
    It’s quite hard to choose, it’s like asking me what is my favourite anime/manga! I have so many names running through my head! Monkey D Luffy, Shanks, Sanji, Kisuke Urahara, shikamaru nara , Roy Mustang, Kakashi Hatake, Shizuo Heiwajima.
    They’re the names just from the top of my head, but I can go on… but I won’t… I just love the guys that’s crazy or calm, but always have that strange sense of loyalty to them, the sort of guys who you’d want on your team because you know they’ll have your back… even if some of them do it in a weird way.

    What attracted you to dressing and performing as a male character?
    I just prefer it. I don’t like a lot of female characters in many things, well, at least I feel like my own personality would not suit such characters. I have tried to dress up as certain girls but I feel so uncomfortable and then I feel like I’ve not done the character any justice. I can only seem to cosplay as female characters who are quite tomboy themselves. But when I first properly cosplayed as a guy (to the best that I could with what I had) I had an amazing time! I felt so comfortable, I was in character most if not all the time. And I am a huge believer in doing what makes you happy. So now, I do!

    Why do you think Drag Kings/FTM cosplayers are usually ignored in favour of Drag Queens MTF Cosplayers?
    I know that this can be a touchy subject to certain folks out there, but honestly, I’ve never seen them as being ignored. At least, I’ve never ignored the Drag King FTM and I don’t ignore Drag Queens MTF cosplayers. I know both sides and both are amazing folks! If I see someone wearing something that looks pretty damn amazing, I let them know regardless the sex.

    Okay, I know there’s more Drag Queen shows out there which are awfully popular, but if people want to get out there and do shows like that’s on TV, then there’s ways to do it, it won’t just fall onto peoples laps. Drag Queens are probably more known because not enough Drag Kings FTM actually go out there and actually express themselves.

    What would you like the world to know?
    My cosplays right now are not great, I am working on them but you know what? I don’t care!! Because at the end of the day, I have an amazing time, I’ve made some amazing friends and that’s all that matters! It doesn’t matter if your boobs are too big to cosplay as a dude, it doesn’t matter if you have a feminine face which can never pass as a guy. As long as you go out, do it and have fun, that’s all that matters!

  • INTERVIEW | Melanie Sprott

    INTERVIEW | Melanie Sprott

    Melanie Sprott

    CREDIT: ChristopherWaltonPhotography/ https://www.facebook.com/ChristopherWaltonPhotography/
    CREDIT: ChristopherWaltonPhotography/ https://www.facebook.com/ChristopherWaltonPhotography/

    Who are you?
    Siriusly Cosplay aka Mel

    Why and when did you decide to become a Drag King or do FTM Cosplay?
    I started cosplaying in July 2013, and my first cosplay was actually a FtM crossplay of Sirius Black from Harry Potter Marauders era. I am very invested into the character side of cosplay and always choose my cosplays based on the character, regardless of gender (so I do female cosplays as well)

    Do you have a favourite character? (Why is he your favourite?)
    My favourite character is probably still Sirius Black as I perform in character panels with him along with the rest of my cosplay group (Bandursnatch Studios) at conventions all over the country and they are also very popular on YouTube! I have a lot of fun as Sirius: running around as though you’re a teenager again and sniping at the Slytherins in the group as part of an improv question and answer session where you don’t know what’s coming next is a huge adrenaline rush.

    What kind of act do you do and do you have one or more characters? What attracted you to dressing and performing as a male character?
    I enjoy the character regardless of the assigned gender. Being tall (5’8 ) with big feet means that when I first started I could buy men’s clothes as easily as women’s clothes and soon learnt my sizes for both! A good binder is a must, both for safety and accuracy in my opinion, and just learning ‘male’ mannerisms or walk is all part of the character development for me. I work closely with a male photographer (Geordie Gent Photography, who took the lovely shot of me as Jayne from Firefly) and he has helped me immensely with body language and posing.

    Why do you think Drag Kings/FTM cosplayers are usually ignored in favour of Drag Queens MTF Cosplayers?
    Within the cosplay community. I would argue it is seen as more of a norm for FtM cosplay rather than MtF. My friend and I were crewing a convention last year and both ended up crossplaying (I was FtM and he was MtF). We helped each other a lot with the wigs, makeup and posing and ended up confusing people, which was fun! What would you like the world to know?

    The cosplay community in the UK is very open and welcoming of everybody, regardless of whatever you choose to cosplay – male, female, non-binary. If you’re interested, give it a go – it’s addictive! If you have any questions, head to my page and ask me directly if you like: www.facebook.com/siriuslycosplay
    Photo credit: https://www.facebook.com/ChristopherWaltonPhotography/

  • INTERVIEW | Skylord Phoenix

    INTERVIEW | Skylord Phoenix

    Skylord Phoenix

    Skylord Phoenix

    Who Are You?
    Hi my name is Alex and I’m a 19 year old creative writing university student at the University of Portsmouth UK. At the moment I identify as non-binary when it comes to gender but physically my sex is female.

    Why and when did you decide to become a Drag King or do FTM Cosplay?
    I started doing FTM Cosplay in college when my best friend at the time introduced me to cosplaying, the whole idea of making yourself look male was alien to me as I just assumed women wore girls costumes and men wore boys costumes. I started purely out of interest and I’m glad I was interested as it shaped who I am today and has helped me realise who I’ve always been.

    Do you have a favourite character? (Why is he your favourite?)
    My favourite character to cosplay is a niche reference linked to a group of YouTubers called the Yogscast, the particular character being Xephos. He’s my favourite as to me he feels the most natural, like that’s how I’m meant to look, he’s also the character that made me realise I wasn’t 100% female as I felt so me with the full beard and short spiky hair.

    Why do you think Drag Kings/FTM cosplayers are usually ignored in favour of Drag Queens MTF Cosplayers?
    I feel that MTF cosplayers are favoured over FTM’s because they’re the ones that are so unusual, the ones that get the most attention unfortunately most of it being negative. Girls can wear boys clothes without much criticism, society simply assumes their a tomboy and move along yet when it comes to boys in dresses that’s where society starts to freak out. FTM cosplayers aren’t as shocking as MTF’s so that’s why I think they get less coverage.

    What would you like the world to know?
    In regards to FTM Cosplaying I would want the world to know that it’s perfectly normal. Although I haven’t gotten as much hate as my MTF friends I have had times where I’m look down on as weird, but I’m not, I’m simply a normal student who likes to express their feelings through art like any other human being.

  • INTERVIEW | Ffion Elizabeth May

    INTERVIEW | Ffion Elizabeth May

    Ffion Elizabeth May

    Ffion Elizabeth May

    Who Are You?
    My name is Zachary but in the cosplay community I go by PoisonInYourTea Cosplay. I got into cosplaying male characters when I came out to friends as transgender. Cosplay helped me with passing as a male in everyday life.

    Why and when did you decide to become a Drag King or do FTM Cosplay?
    My favourite characters to cosplay are ones that involve a lot of face paint or make up as it lets me show off my skills as an artist. My favourite character that I have done so far is Tate Langdon from American Horror Story.

    I got into cosplay as a way to expand my skills creatively and to help myself transition.

    Why do you think Drag Kings/FTM cosplayers are usually ignored in favour of Drag Queens MTF Cosplayers?
    I think really FTM, MTF, Drag Kings and Queens are all thrown in together more than one ignored. Not many people take trans people seriously because of this, people think transgender people are just drag kings/queens which is unfair as it is totally different.

    What would you like the world to know?
    I would like the world to know that the cosplay community is a very accepting place no matter what you do or who you are.

  • INTERVIEW | Amber Oakenshield

    INTERVIEW | Amber Oakenshield

    Amber Oakenshield

    Amber Oakenshield

    Who Are You?
    Hi, I am Amber or Kealo Cosplay! I’m 21 and I have started cosplaying about 6 or 7 years ago. Cosplay is a huge part of my life and it helped me so much. Other than cosplay I love exploring new places and always up for an unexpected adventure! (I live like a Hobbit!) I also enjoy photography and play with my kittens.

    Why and when did you decide to become a Drag King or do FTM Cosplay?
    Since the very first time when I started cosplaying 2009 ReCon I was dressed as L from Death Note and after that I kept dressing up/ cosplaying male characters. I always loved dressing up as a boy or being a boy as much I am a girl. I always had my days when I wished I was a boy, a few years ago I came across genderfluidity and realised that I am genderfluid. Cosplaying male characters helps me a lot becoming a male whenever I want to.

    Also in cosplay due to my slim body type I always felt a lot more comfortable cosplaying male characters. I feel more myself and more in character when I can cosplay a male character.

    Do you have a favourite character? (Why is he your favourite?)
    Oh dukes. That is hard question! I have so many! But if I only can choose one is has to be Mephisto Pheles from Blue Exorcist. I absolutely adore him! He is sooo sassy and careless, also fabulous and let’s not forget a badass!! I mean he is the second King of Hell! And you just gotta love his style!

    What attracted you to dressing and performing as a male character?
    I always was a boyish girl. Climbing trees, playing cops or pirates or being the bad guy! As everyone else did I had crush on anime boys a lot then I started thinking after every anime… “hmm wait I am a cosplayer what if I became him??” So I tried it and it worked out quiet well! Of course I am not the best cosplayer but that didn’t matter, all that matter that I had fun and I was comfortable being the badass demon child, or the sweet gentleman.

    Why do you think Drag Kings/FTM cosplayers are usually ignored in favour of Drag Queens MTF Cosplayers?
    People are definitely paying more attention to MTF as it’s more common nowadays finding FTM cosplayers than MTF, but again no one really herad our side of the story, why and how we do this as it’s not always as easy as it looks!

    What would you like the world to know?
    Binding! the first word popped to my mind and I screamed. Binding is the spawn of Satan! As much as our characters might look like the handsomest devil most the times it is pain in the hooves! When you are binding you have to make sure you won’t injure yourself, yet still make yourself look flat and that is my friend is hard especially to cosplayer who has larger breasts. Thanks sweet impala I have tiny bazookas (the only time I’m glad I’m an ironing board!) so I don’t have much problem with binding excpet that after wearing binders for a long period of time you get rather bad back aches but it’s different to every person.

    Now let’s talk about open chest binding. NOW that is a b*tch. You have to find the right tape that strong enough to hold your puppies through out the whole convention other wise you are in trouble! You need a tape that could hold the god damn London Bridge together! And your nipples! Make sure you covered them you’re going to be in for a sticky (and rather painful) suprise in the end.

    But I have babbled enough about binding the most important thing I want the world to know is cosplay equality! No matter who you arem where you from, what’s you body type or skin colour, or gender you CAN cosplay whoever you want to, because the most important thing in cosplay is to enjoy yourself and not what other people think. Always believe in yourself and don’t care what other people has to say, you are you and you and your cosplay is PERFECT just the way it is. So I call out to everyone in cosplay community to let’s be nice to each other and let’s be a family again, stop the shaming, stop the bullying because if you do that you are not a real cosplayer.

  • INTERVIEW | Georgia Haines

    INTERVIEW | Georgia Haines

    Georgia Haines

    Who are you?
    Georgia Haines, Cosplayer, student and aspiring actress.

    Why and when did you decide to become a Drag King or do FTM Cosplay?
    I decided to do a female to make cosplay because I don’t see gender as an issue when Cosplaying. If you’re a woman and you want to cosplay a male character, do it! If you’re a male and you want to cosplay a female character, do it! The main thing is that you enjoy it!

    Also, the majority of my cosplay are of male characters.
    Female: Harley Quinn and Columbia
    Male: Jareth, Rimmer, Spider-man, L, Black Veil Brides, Billy the Puppet, 11th Doctor…ETC

    Do you have a favourite character? (Why is he your favourite?)
    Although I don’t cosplay as him, my favourite drag character has always been Dr Frank N Furter from the Rocky Horror (Picture) Show. Not only is he an incredibly funny character, but Tim Curry’s portrayal of the transvestite character has become incredibly iconic. I feel he is an icon for many in the cult and LGBT communities.

    What attracted you to dressing and performing as a male character?
    The reason why I wanted to Cosplay as Jareth was mostly because I wanted to do a tribute to David Bowie, as I made the cosplay only a couple of weeks after he died. But Jareth was also a character I lived from my childhood, ever since my step mil introduced me to Labyrinth. I think Bowie looks so cool as Jareth and I love everything about him – and the film!

    Why do you think Drag Kings/FTM cosplayers are usually ignored in favour of Drag Queens MTF Cosplayers?
    I honestly don’t know, although, I think you tend to see more FTM cosplayers than MTF, but that’s just from my experience.

    What would you like the world to know?
    The one message I love to spread around is equality. Everyone is equal and everyone is beautiful. And in the cosplay world, it doesn’t matter who you’re Cosplaying, or what gender the character is, the most important thing is that you enjoy yourself and that you’re happy!

  • INTERVIEW | Annette Boss Wilkinson

    INTERVIEW | Annette Boss Wilkinson

    Annette Boss Wilkinson

    Who Are You?
    I’m Annette. I’ve been cosplaying for 15 years, and I cosplay characters of various genders, but I do particularly enjoy the opportunity to cosplay male characters.

    Why and when did you decide to become a Drag King or do FTM Cosplay?
    Early in my cosplaying days, I did a lot of group cosplay with a certain group of friends. The women outnumbered the men in the group and I was asked if I would take on some of the male characters. Having been involved in drama a lot at school, including my time at an all-girls’ school, I had performed male roles before and didn’t mind. After doing it a few times I realised I was often more comfortable in those roles and it led in part to my realisation that I was genderfluid.

    Do you have a favourite character? (Why is he your favourite?)
    I performed at Jack Sparrow for a number of years. He was glorious fun to perform as; I’m not a very confident person in myself most of the time, but having a character that was so flamboyant and outgoing gave me the opportunity to take on those characteristics myself. It was Jack Sparrow’s confidence that helped me to make a move on my current partner, who I have now been with for over 10 years.

    What attracted you to dressing and performing as a male character?
    As I grew up I was never interested in the stereotypical female roles for imaginary play; I couldn’t understand why anyone would want to be princess sitting around in a castle when you could be a prince who went out slaying dragons! Eventually, partially through cosplay, I realised that although I had a female body, I was genderfluid, and performing as a male character allows me to express that in a safe space. I also enjoy the aesthetics of male clothing, specifically historical styles and fine tailoring. I cosplay female characters as well, often quite highly sexualised ones, but they can make me feel very vulnerable about my body and the attention it draws; with male characters I always feel very safe and comfortable.

    Why do you think Drag Kings/FTM cosplayers are usually ignored in favour of Drag Queens MTF Cosplayers?
    There’s definitely a visual aspect to it. Overall, men’s clothing is much more restricted and less visually impressive than women’s, and it’s much harder to make exaggerated and theatrical for drag. The colours tend to be more sombre and patterns and other noticeable visual detail is rare. Even in cosplay, the male characters are rarely as detailed and fancy as the female (a common complaint amongst male cosplayers who aren’t necessarily willing to crossplay). There’s also a sense that it’s much more common to see women in what was historically “male” clothing, like suits and trousers, so there’s less of an impact than you get with a man in a dress.

    What would you like the world to know?
    That we need to worry less about conforming to gender stereotypes and judging those who don’t; there are much more important things to worry about than telling a man he shouldn’t be wearing a skirt!
    And that cosplay is for anyone who wants to try it; in fact, within the community itself there’s a lot more acceptance of people cosplaying outside their established gender and cons and cosplay can often be a safe space to experiment with cross-dressing and cosplay.

  • INTERVIEW | LH Roberts

    INTERVIEW | LH Roberts

    LH Roberts

    LH Roberts 2

    Who Are You?
    That’s a good question that I am still trying to figure out myself. I just recently came out as non-binary/gender fluid. I’m a cross player from Salem, Massachusetts, USA. Currently going by LH Roberts, which might change to Lee or Lis at some point.

    I’m a professional artist, making customized funkos, cybernetics, and wands. Though my real job is working with horses. I have been training, and teaching riding for about 20 years. On the side, I also am a self proclaimed “cat whisperer” and have been fostering cats for over 15 years and enjoy helping people with their feline troubles.

    One aspect of cosplay that I am very actively involved in is the Cosplay is not Consent movement. I have been bullied and threatened because of my cosplay when I first started, and it really is not ok that people do this.

    I’m an Admin for Boston Whovians, an US admin for ICosplay: anti Bullying Campaign, and the Chancellor for the Order of Gallifrey, an international Doctor Who cosplay group.

    Why and when did you decide to become a Drag King or do FTM Cosplay?
    The “when” is easy. Very Late 2013. So many of my Harry Potter friends cosplayed. And Harry Potter is my life! So I really thought my cosplay would be an HP one. I tried and tried to make it work. But I HATED cosplaying. OMG. I was so uncomfortable. But my good friend was meeting Tom Felton and I wanted to support him, so I figured I HAD to get a cosplay of sorts together. Thats the WHY part – because I wanted to support my friend.

    Do you have a favourite character? (Why is he your favorite?)
    I only cosplay as Mr. Clever the Cyberplanner from Doctor Who.
    I had started watching the Doctor Who reboot and had already fallen in love with Matt Smith as the 11th Doctor, so I thought well, maybe I’ll cosplay 11. Tried that. Hated it. Saw a picture of me as him and deleted it. Wouldn’t even leave the house. So I gave up.

    Then I saw Nightmare in Silver and kinda lost my mind. I think I actually screamed. I do remember scaring my cat…I love Neil Gaiman, I love Matt Smith.

    I really don’t know WHY he works for me as well as he does. I don’t know why I just fell in love with him. He was so much fun, so snarky, so crazy, so over the top. I knew I could pull off his persona ( to me I’m not cosplaying unless I’m in character) I mean I suppose its also Clever represents duality, competing personalities, a struggle to find acceptance through games and robotic evolution. Mirroring my own latent struggle with gender as well as my love of something perfect – robots. At the end of the day it’s magic for me, ritual and release, an art that lets me be the real me.

    Of course MAKING the costume was hell on earth, but that’s a whole other story.

    What attracted you to dressing and performing as a male character?
    I didn’t care that Mr. Clever was male, or a robot. I just had to be him. I didn’t even think about it.

    Why do you think Drag Kings/FTM cosplayers are usually ignored in favour of Drag Queens MTF Cosplayers?
    Historically speaking, and correct me if I am wrong, but I believe men have been dressing up as women for far longer than the other way around. Actors dressed in woman’s clothing to portray women since women weren’t allowed to perform.

    Drag queens have a long and interesting history.

    So I think drag kings have to work a little harder to make themselves known, to get the word out.

    It’s just as hard for male cosplayers to be cosfamous too. It is sadly the way it is. It is getting better, for sure. We just have to plug away and let people know that we are here!

    LH Roberts1

    What would you like the world to know?
    Good question. I have no idea. Spay and neuter your pets. No?

    I guess I’d have to say it doesn’t matter your gender, size, age, race, just cosplay whomever or whatever you want. I know that if I had listened to the haters I would never have picked a younger, thinner, male, half robot as my one and only cosplay – and I can’t imagine my life without him.

  • INTERVIEW | Drag King Ruth Watson

    INTERVIEW | Drag King Ruth Watson

    Ruth Watson

    Ruth Watson

    Who Are You?
    Ruth Watson (not the Hotel Inspector, but I get good rooms due to the name). Membership Liaison Officer for the Galactic Knights costuming group, self confessed geek, Tolkien addict, just trying to make my way in this world with bills to pay and a book addiction.

    Why and when did you decide to become a Drag King or do FTM Cosplay?
    Having been a long time con attendee, and meeting the Galactic Knights at the annual SFW weekender, I always wanted to go in a cool costume and immerse myself in it fully. The world of Middle Earth is my first and foremost love, so it was a no-brainer it would be from that particular corner of the geekiverse. I’ve never considered myself particularly feminine or girly, and am obsessed with weapons and armour, so it was pretty much a foregone conclusion I would go for a male character. The tales were written in another time, and though the female characters are written particularly strongly and with great influence (even by today’s standards), I felt I was more suited to the male characters. The noble warrior and all that, I think. Tolkien’s women are almost too good… I didn’t feel I could do them justice!

    Do you have a favourite character? (Why is he your favourite?)
    There are so many! But I will go with my costumed character of Eomer. I’ve owned horses my entire life, and worked in the equine industry, so the people of Rohan, with their almost deification of horses, appealed to me from the moment I encountered them in the pages. When the movie was released, the design team based their ideas on Tolkien’s own thoughts and writing, so essentially they were Anglo-Saxons, with the addition of horses. The armour design, the whole feel of the people and their way of life just fit. When you know, you know. Eomer represents the hope and future of his house. With his cousin slain, he becomes heir to his uncle’s kingdom, a man enslaved by the spells of the enemy. He finds himself banished, and not highly regarded by those he serves. Yet he fights on regardless, knowing he is true to himself and his people. That’s why he appeals… knock him down, turn people against him, he keeps on and fights for what he believes in, even though he can see nothing but defeat in the long run.

    What attracted you to dressing and performing as a male character?
    As I say, I have never been a ‘girly’ girl. I was a tomboy my entire childhood. My parents let me have all my hair cut off when I was five as I was determined I wanted to be one of the boys. And delighted when people complimented my mum on her lovely son…! I don’t buy gender stereotypes. I have a lot of qualities that people who do buy into it would consider ‘male’. But why should they? Can’t we all just be as we are, and those who love us just accept it? I know I do with my friends and loved ones. When I wear Eomer, I become part of him. A lot of it is my history in that world, and the emotional bonds I have from that. And I look so different to my regular self that I can entirely lose myself in it. I have walked up to people I know well and looked them directly in the eye, and they didn’t know it was me. I can do all the little things and mannerisms that are taken for granted that men do, but society frowns upon when women do it. And all it does is reinforce how ridiculous gender stereotypes really are. The world is changing, it needs to change faster. Until then, I have my escape in being a character that when it’s judged on appearance (as it ALWAYS is), can to the opposite of what society believes is right for my gender.

    Why do you think Drag Kings/FTM cosplayers are usually ignored in favour of Drag Queens MTF Cosplayers?
    Personally? I think it’s that gender stereotype thing all over again. It’s that reinforced belief that ‘men should be men’ bullshit. So a woman dressing or presenting as male is far less dramatic, far less confrontational, because of course women want to be men… They get all the perks, right? It’s accepted now that women can wear trousers (although within living memory even that was a big no. Some schools are only now allowing female students to wear trousers), it’s accepted now that women can hold positions of power. Although should they display any form of male stereotypical behaviour, expect the world to fall in ruin…. A man, however… should he crossplay, cross dress, or show any sign of exhibiting any trait that is remotely ‘feminine’…The world explodes. ‘Why would you do that? Why would you present like that? Why would you portray as the ‘weaker’ sex? I can’t cope with that. You’re a MAN’. Those guys are as much victims of sexism as women. And it’s horrible. There’s some sort of implied thing that people are lesser should they not conform. I detest that, in all its forms.

    What would you like the world to know?
    Disregard anyone who stereotypes you. Be proud of who you are and what you love. Live hard, and leave memories. Just be a decent person, and regardless of how others treat you, know you, know your worth, and be fierce. Do not let what others think or believe EVER drag you to their level. You like the Flash? Wear the costume, if you like. Believe in Superman’s values? More power to you. Bookish, clever, not a reality show girl? Be Hermione. She saved the world. Be her. Be Arya Stark. Be anyone you want to be. Sports fans can gather in groups, wear a group uniform, and be considered 100% the norm. Be a geek? Do it. Do whatever it is you want to do. Wear the costume, watch the movie, live by their values. Doing that, I know I belong to the biggest family in the world. Long may it continue.

  • DILEMMA | My husband wants to be a drag queen – I think our marriage is over

    This week a reader is trying to keep his marriage together as his husband decides to become a drag queen. Concerned that the relationship is about to fall apart he writes to THEGAYUK’s Dannii Cohen.

    CREDIT: © feedough | Depositphotos

    Dear Dannii

    I’m a bit lost on what to do. My husband has decided to become a drag queen – and he’s actually become quite well-known in a relatively short time. Problem is that it’s tearing us apart and we never see each other anymore.

    We used to have very similar jobs with similar hours – but now he’s always travelling the country and abroad. I’m not jealous of other guys. I know he’s being faithful, but I can’t see this working. He’s changed a lot, personality wise, he’s become a lot more feminine, and I feel him drifting away from me. He’s started talking a lot more about his work, how his drag half is really important to him and that sometimes he just wants to hang about as his drag persona – even when he’s not performing. Could he be wanting to transition?

    As I said, I’m just not sure, But I’m really unhappy about the changes, but at the same time I don’t want to throw away 6 years of our relationship.

    What should I do?

    Dear Reader,

    This is an interesting and difficult problem. Not knowing all the details, except for the ones you have given me in your letter it is hard to give you any concrete advice but I will try to.

    Has your husband ever shown any interest in drag or transgender issues prior to the last few months? No-one suddenly decides to become a drag artist so it should be something that has been on his mind for a long time, bursting to come out. As this is a big step it is understandable that it brings a lot of changes with it and some might be uncomfortable to his friends and family.

    Starting out in drag and sustaining a professional career in it can be very all-consuming so his obsession doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to transition. If you watch documentaries about drag or something like RuPaul’s drag race you can see that to most drag artists it’s their whole life. But not many of the contestants want to be a full-time women. It is just building a character and finding the right look and act that takes a very long time to perfect. Dressing in drag around the house could be part of this: a lot of drag artist do this to keep in touch with the character and make her feel natural to them.

    Becoming a little more feminine is only to be expected as over time the character might slip into day life sometimes. Becoming successful relatively quickly might also have something to do with it.

    My main suggestion is to talk to your husband: begin by showing an interest in what he does. Compliment his outfits/jokes/characters. Have you seen his act recently? Join him on a few shows that are nearby. If he’s travelling in the weekend, try to join him on a trip. Stay in touch by texting, calling, Skype.

    Showing an interest might help both of you as you become more familiar with his life and his act.
    This will help you get more involved in his new life and over time it might feel less strange to you.

    Showing that you are actively trying to understand is especially important because if you were to just out of the blue go: “I feel a bit awkward about this”, or: “are you transgender”, it might come across as hostile or even an attack or insult.

    Ask how being a woman makes him feel then, one day ask, as casual as possible if he’d want to be a woman full time.

    If he says yes you can make up your mind about the relationship and if you’d want to continue as a couple or remain friends.

    If he says no but you still feel unhappy about all the changes, sadly ending the relationship might be best.
    Always with love,
    Dannii

     

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  • DILEMMA | My straight, married builder boss just came on to me

    This week a forum user asks what he should do about his seemingly straight, married builder boss, who winked at him in a meeting…

    © Aisyaqilumar / Depositphotos
    © Aisyaqilumar / Depositphotos

    I work in the trade and it usually means working along side may other trade guys on different sites. The last site I was on there was a site manager, older mature butch muscly bloke (late 40s), ex army/marine, I know he’s married and has kids.

    During a meeting between 4 other work mates, I kept catching him looking at me. Then about half way through the meeting while other guys were discussing things, he looks at me, WINKS(!), and then smiles! It took me by surprise.

    The big question is: WTF do I do? I don’t want to confront him and give away I’m gay, and find out he’s not. Maybe the wink meant something else? If so, then what!? Or is a wink some secret “gay trade code” that I’m completely unaware of?

    Yea I fancy him. Even though he’s married I would not say no. I’d love to have a go with him but just not sure how to test the water without giving too much away?

    by Kitsocks

     

    ALSO READ: Ray the famous gay builder gets married

    ALSO READ: Dilemma: My straight mate keeps coming on to me

     

    Dear Kitsocks,

    This is an interesting dilemma. First things first though: why do you think being an ex army/marine type would prohibit someone from being gay? There are many ways to be gay and you’d be surprised how many super masculine power jocks are part of the rainbow nation.

    What I am wondering is: do you really want to take on the responsibility of loving a married gay man? There will be many problems and dramas you will have to deal with and it could become painful in the future. Make sure you think about the pros and cons before doing anything.

    If you are certain about wanting this man, let’s look at the evidence you’ve given us.

    That wink definitely meant something, no-one winks at another person without a deeper intention behind it. Of course it could also mean he recognised you were bored of the meeting too, or sharing joke. But that too could mean he was reaching out for something deeper. But if it’s friendship or love you will have to find out for yourself.

    From what I gather you are not out at work and want to keep it that way. This means you have to get him alone outside of work. As he is married and very outwardly macho he might have build a few fences around his sexuality so don’t immediately bombard him with the “do you fancy me” question. Try becoming friends first, see how he acts around you. Make some small talk, see what you have in common. Go to the gym together, go for a few drinks and then, after a few dates, drop some small hints.
    If he picks up on them: bingo! If he ignores them, at-least you have a new friend.

    A warning: if you don’t like taking it slow and want to get there fast, always ask the question in a public place maybe with a friend present in the vicinity just to be on the safe side.

    Always with love,

    Dannii

    The advice above has been given by our community of writers who have drawn from experiences in their own lives and is should not be considered as professional advice.

    Have you got a dilemma you’d like us to answer? Click here to visit our dilemmas page.