THEGAYUK

Author: Kevin Banks

  • 7 ways you can be a totally crap boyfriend

    7 ways you can be a totally crap boyfriend

    After a bad breakup, having to start over and put myself on the market again after 6 years, I seem to have grown up a little when it comes to guys. Over the last few months, I’ve met my fair share of new men. Some have been good, some downright awful and some complete assholes.

    how you can be a totally crap boyfriend
    CREDIT: Wavebreak-Media-Ltd-bigstock

    Luckily for me, one guy, in particular, taught me everything there is to know about how to become a player. So I have come up with this short, fail proof guide for anyone who would just like to become an asshole in general or would like to play these ‘players’ at their own game. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em!

    1. Use social media to your full advantage.

    Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Grindr. This will give you access to hundreds of guys without the bother of actually having to meet any in real life. Poke them, tweet them do what you have to do to grab their attention!

    2. Pick your first victim.

    Preferably one who doesn’t seem in the least bit interested in you! This will give you a real sense of achievement when you play them. Send them a message, be friendly and ask probing questions to gain information that you can then use against them at a later stage. Chat away, build rapport and pretend to be friends. Withhold information about yourself or even makeup lies.

    3. Swap phone numbers.

    Inundate them with texts, compliments and calls every day.

    4. It’s now time to try and get your victim to fall hook, line and sinker.

    Use buzz words such as hot, handsome, puppies, love, marriage, babies, forever and phrases such as ‘we just click,’ ‘I’ve liked you from day one,’ ‘settle down,’ and so forth. Suggest you are both looking for the same thing and are a match made in heaven. Manipulate them into thinking they must have been wrong about you initially.

    5. If you have completed steps 1 – 4 correctly, this step should be easy and work a treat.

    Suggest a date, somewhere original say like the zoo, dinner, a movie or maybe even a picnic in the park!

    6. It is now time to meet your victim, do whatever is necessary to lure them into the bedroom.

    Have sh*t sex, my suggestion would be to let them make you cum and then give them half a hand job, yes half don’t finish. This part is crucial. Don’t pay any attention to pleasing them. Who cares if they get off? Just make sure you do!

    7. Proceed to ignore your victim.

    At this point, you should already be at stage 3 with a new victim or if you are feeling super confident you could even try it with their best friend. You’re a player now kid!

    And there it is ladies and gentleman! How to become a top class tool in 7 easy steps. Follow this guide meticulously and you are well on your way. You can even use it to play someone who wasn’t interested in you in the first place! Clever eh? Word of warning, though, karma is a bitch!

  • OPINION | Don’t blame the gay weather man

    So as I woke today, head banging after too much wine last night, I opened my emails to the news that David Silvester, a UK Independence Party councillor had claimed yesterday that the UK’s recent bad weather has been caused by, no wait for it, the legalisation of same-sex marriage!

    After my initial shock and making sure I had actually woken up and wasn’t still dreaming, I actually couldn’t stop laughing and find this extremely amusing. I mean come on!

    Hold on to your hats people…. EXTREME WEATHER WARNING! Tonight for the first time, just about half past ten. For the first time in history it’s gonna start rainin’ men!

    The absurd claims this clown is making is that the country was suffering storms after David Cameron had ‘acted arrogantly against the gospel’. In a letter written to the Henley Standard, he stated ‘The scriptures make it abundantly clear that a Christian nation that abandons its faith and acts contrary to the Gospel will be beset by natural disasters such as storms, disease, pestilence and war.’ This looney who is the councillor of Henley-on-Thames also advised he had written to the prime minister in April 2012 to warn him this was going to happen.

    I hate to be the bearer of bad news and give this fool the rude awakening he needs but further bad weather has been predicted so it doesn’t look like the legalisation of same-sex marriage is going anywhere! The deluded councillor has also told BBC Radio Berkshire in an interview ‘…I believe as a Christian I should love gay people and indeed, I do. My prayer for them is they will be healed.’ He went on to say ‘It is a spiritual disease… it’s not what I say, it’s what the Bible says.’

    All I can say is, it is not us gays that need praying for you knob, it’s the poor people of your constituency.

    A spokesperson for the UK Independence Party said yesterday that the party did not share Mr Silvester’s views but defended his right to state them. They seemed to have changed their tune today as according to Sky News he has been suspended. Well, I hear the Westboro Baptist Church is currently recruiting.

    The stupidity of some people never fails to amaze me!

    You’re never going to get a rainbow, without a little rain!

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • SINGLE REVIEW | Shakira Ft. Rihanna I Can’t Remember To Forget You

    What do you get when you mix one of Latin music’s biggest female stars with one of the hottest stars on the planet at the moment? Well, the answer is, ‘I can’t remember to forget you’ the new collaboration from Shakira and Rihanna! On Monday the 13th of January, after Rihanna hinting only a week before on her Twitter page that it might be happening, something extremely exiting happened. Fans didn’t have long to wait.
    This up-tempo song is a blend of Latin, Reggae and Pop-Rock. The verse begins sounding Latin pop with Reggae induced RnB beats and soon morphs into a guitar heavy chorus that sounds more signature Shakira. I was a little worried with both gals having a bit of an accent of how it would sound but it works perfectly. Shakira’s odd but brilliant vocals deliver the lyrics “But when you look at me, the only memory, is us kissing in the moonlight”. Rihanna then pipes up, in the second verse, singing “I go back again, fall off the train, land in his bed, repeat yesterday’s mistakes” in her cool, edgy and fun voice with her accent sounding more Bajan than ever.

    The song is about a woman who knows she should forget all about her undeserving man but can’t help but fall back into his arms. You could be forgiven for thinking Rihanna was referring to her turbulent relationship with Chris Brown but I doubt the songs intention is to dig that deep. This is a fun, pop anthem with two of music’s hottest babes.

    The artwork for single is equally as exciting. Shakira with her blonde locks tousled over one shoulder and minimalistic make up looks simply stunning! Rihanna, her dark, bouncy curls lying over Shakira’s lap looks smouldering with her blood red lipstick and cleavage aplenty!

    This will be the debut single from Shakira’s long awaited, untitled album and is already storming the charts. It’s her first single since ‘Waka Waka’ the song she wrote for the 2010 World Cup. The Columbian goddess is no stranger to a savvy collaboration. Since her 2001’s triple platinum album ‘Laundry Service’, she has teamed up with Beyoncé, Pittbull, Dizzee Rascal and who can forget the fabulous, belly-dancing, bum shaking ‘Hips don’t Lie’ with Wyclef Jean. The judge from The Voice is back again and she aint messing around. “It was utopia. She’s the sexiest woman on the planet.” Shakira tells Glamour magazine on working with Rihanna. She’s a crafty one is our Shakira. RiRi can do no wrong at the moment, she is music royalty, at the top of her game and manages to add a little sprinkle of Bajan magic to anything she touches.

    This song certainly does what it set out to do and that is to tell the world Shakira is back!
    Is it as good as her 2007 collaboration ‘Beautiful Liar’ with the bootylicious Beyoncé? I will let you decide!

  • GUILTY PLEASURES: The Shameless Gay Selfie

    The ‘Selfie’ is a modern day version of the self-portrait.

    It is defined by the urban dictionary as –

    “A picture taken of yourself that is planned to be uploaded to Facebook, Myspace or any other sort of social networking website. You can usually see the person’s arm holding out the camera in which case you can clearly tell that this person does not have any friends to take pictures of them…”

    As any modern day gay knows, you are required to upload these to Social Media at least once per day to show the world how fabulous you are! Perez Hilton has recently just jumped on the band wagon, posting pictures of his miraculous weight loss on guyswithiPhones.com

    Whilst these narcissistic, self-indulgent portraits might be extremely pleasurable for the photographer at hand and are useful in the instance that a friend/family member might have forgotten what you look like, they are normally quite painful for the general viewing public.

    A few variations exist, one includes a mirror where the phone is apparent but dignity not. Please be aware that location is everything! Make sure your bedroom is tidy, “The Sexy Selfie” never goes down well when it looks like your application picture for the TV show ‘Hoarders’ and no one really wants to see your “Trout Pout” as you make your claim for Jobseekers Allowance.

    Here is my rundown of the most common –

    “The Trout Pout” – Otherwise referred to as Duck Face! This Selfie is simple and remains popular with gays and gals as apparently looking like a demented duck is hot at the moment. Purse your lips, push them forward and pretend you are doing a sh*t. Think less Naomi Campbell and more Lesley Ash!

    The Sexy Selfie – In a world where online dating is imperative, these are extremely important in bagging yourself a mate! The best time to take these seductive snaps is when you are sitting at home alone doing absolutely nothing sexy at all! Hold your phone high at arm’s length and try to look like you have been drop kicked in the face. Proceed to use this as your profile picture on whichever social media outlet you desire.

    “The I’m Having So Much Fun Selfie” – Points are gained if you take this one with a friend. In the midst of the laughs, chat and fabulous time you are having why not stop everything and take a selfie! Show the world that you are simply having the absolute time of your life! It also works well if taken on holiday sunbathing or at a concert seeing a major recording artist.

    “I’m With a New Guy Selfie” – This selfie normally occurs after the change of a relationship status on Facebook. Long gone are the days of ice cream and countless hours listening to Celine Dion on repeat when breaking up with your Beau. To mend a broken heart, it’s all about the smart phone! Get yourself out there, pick the hottest guy you can find and take a picture. Upload this immediately to Facebook. Extra points for tagging your ex!

    The Sad Face Selfie – This selfie normally occurs two weeks after uploading “I’m With a New Guy Selfie”. Back in the day when you were feeling blue, you locked your doors, shut your curtains and refused to leave the house for several days. Now you have the sad selfie to tell the world how sad and tragic your life is! Upload it to social media to bring your unique brand of sunshine.

    The Post Gym Selfie – This selfie was designed by gay men to make other gay men feel bad about themselves. After a hard slog at the gym, stop, flex and say cheese. Upload this and show the world just how amazing you look! Several versions of this selfie exist, one variation is the headless torso.

    So why not give it a go? All you need is a camera phone, time on your hands and an overinflated ego!

     

     

    And vogue!

  • MUSIC REVIEW | Work Bitch

    ★★★★ Work Bitch | Last weekend when I awoke from the coma I had slipped into due to consuming copious amounts of wine  I came across the new single of the one and only Ms Britney Spears! My Sunday had just gotten a whole lot better.

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  • 6 stupid things straight people mistake about gay men

    6 stupid things straight people mistake about gay men

    A problem gay men face regularly is ‘coming out’. Now I’m not talking about the first time you decide to embrace your sexuality, build up the courage and let the world know you’re a Spice Girl loving, bum blasting bender.

    CREDIT ©-s_bukleyDepositphotos
    CREDIT ©-s_bukleyDepositphotos

    I’m talking when you meet a new group of people, are in a new situation or start a new job and unless you’re sporting chaps with a vest or have a sign on your forehead, people generally assume you’re straight. This was the case two weeks ago when I started my summer course in preparation for Uni. This can be slightly awkward. Believe it or not, I didn’t wear chaps on my first day and decided not to make a Jack McFarland-style entrance into the classroom.

    By lunchtime, I had made some new friends and the topic turned to why I moved back home from Sydney. I explained that my partner and I had broken up and when discussing the situation one guy insisted on using the term ‘she’.

    The older I get the less I tend to give a shit so after 3 times of him saying it I decided to correct him and tell him she, was in fact, he. After a moment’s silence, he declared “I guess you were the woman then!” Well, the last time I checked we were both men with fully functioning penises and I don’t know about him but I’m still the same however to avoid any further awkwardness I decided to reply with a smile. A lot of people have perceptions about us gays, most of them being myths which I feel is my duty clear up!

    No 1: Gay men act like girls in bed –

    It’s true that when two men have sex, sometimes one can take on a more dominant role but I have personally never known any gay man to act like a girl in the bedroom, in fact, the complete opposite. Most guys tend to let their ‘manliness’ come out when it comes to having sex. There’s nothing like getting bitch slapped between the sheets, by a guy who was wearing denim hot pants and a sequined top twenty minutes prior on the dance floor to make for a great night of passion.

    No 2: Gay men want to bed every straight man that breathes –

    Come on really? Yeah when we talk to you, we may want to undress you but more than likely it’s to re-dress you in better clothes. Ladies, if your boyfriend approaches us or talks to us, it doesn’t make him gay! It simply means he is bi-curious.

    No 3: Gay men have sex with children and dogs –

    Now I’ve had my fair share of dogs but none of them had four legs and the last time I checked, people who have sex with children are called something and it isn’t homosexual.

    No 4: You can ‘catch gay’ –

    Unfortunately not, so really no need to cross the road/run the other way when you see us coming. It’s also over the top to go and say ten Hail Mary’s before dousing yourself in holy water if we happen to shake your hand. We are born fabulous, we didn’t catch it. Some have theories as to why, personally I feel it’s because Jesus hates us. So if you were born straight, you’re stuck being hetro I’m afraid.

    No 5: All gay men have AIDS: –

    No, we don’t all have AIDS or diseases for that matter, just most of us. Come on, it’s not the friggin 80s. That is why God invented condoms!

    No 6: All gay men love Kylie/Cher/Madonna –

    Now this one is indeed true.

  • COLUMN | Be Brave

    I’ve never been a massive fan of dates let alone online dating.

    I normally prefer to meet guys at the end of the night in a club, when I’m a walking disaster, hair all over the place and if I try and eat the face off them like it’s my first meal since fasting for lent and they respond, at least I know they have seen me at my worst and it can only get better! None the less I still have Grindr and log on everyday although more through boredom than a longing for love.

    When discussing me getting back in the dating game a wise friend gave me some wise words – “be brave”, easy for him to say his last date was with a Terry’s chocolate orange and The Million Pound Drop. A few weeks ago I decided to follow his advice and go on a date with a guy who asked me from Grindr!

    We arranged to meet in Glasgow on the Sunday afternoon for coffee and naturally the night before I decided to prepare with two good pals and 6 bottles of wine. After spending most of Sunday morning hugging the toilet pan, I decided to re-arrange to meet in Wishaw’s prime dating venue for homosexuals, Wetherspoons, at 9pm.

    When I arrived 15 mins late him waiting outside looking less than amused he looked exactly like the pictures he had sent and had quite large hands. Great. We go inside he orders a soft drink and I order cider. The conversation is awkward, he tells me the first Canadian he ever met gave him maple syrup and it sticks in his mind, I try and inject some humour and reply “oh the first Canadian I ever met gave me herpes”. Silence, pan face, I smile, more silence until I declare I was joking. He nods his head. I decided since I was off the next day, I was going to make the most of the situation and order another drink. He watches BBC news on the TV as I play on Facebook. He did give me a lift home at the end of the night which saved me £4.25 on a taxi. Every cloud has a silver lining.

    Needless to say we won’t be seeing each other again and to be honest I should have known it wouldn’t work when he told me he had never seen Dirty Dancing. At least I’m back on the wagon and in the dating game again. Next time I will however have a check list — Sense of humour a must;big hands a bonus.

    I am forever hopeful.

    Be Brave!