After a bad breakup, having to start over and put myself on the market again after 6 years, I seem to have grown up a little when it comes to guys. Over the last few months, I’ve met my fair share of new men. Some have been good, some downright awful and some complete assholes.

how you can be a totally crap boyfriend
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Luckily for me, one guy, in particular, taught me everything there is to know about how to become a player. So I have come up with this short, fail proof guide for anyone who would just like to become an asshole in general or would like to play these ‘players’ at their own game. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em!

1. Use social media to your full advantage.

Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Grindr. This will give you access to hundreds of guys without the bother of actually having to meet any in real life. Poke them, tweet them do what you have to do to grab their attention!

2. Pick your first victim.

Preferably one who doesn’t seem in the least bit interested in you! This will give you a real sense of achievement when you play them. Send them a message, be friendly and ask probing questions to gain information that you can then use against them at a later stage. Chat away, build rapport and pretend to be friends. Withhold information about yourself or even makeup lies.

3. Swap phone numbers.

Inundate them with texts, compliments and calls every day.

4. It’s now time to try and get your victim to fall hook, line and sinker.

Use buzz words such as hot, handsome, puppies, love, marriage, babies, forever and phrases such as ‘we just click,’ ‘I’ve liked you from day one,’ ‘settle down,’ and so forth. Suggest you are both looking for the same thing and are a match made in heaven. Manipulate them into thinking they must have been wrong about you initially.

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5. If you have completed steps 1 – 4 correctly, this step should be easy and work a treat.

Suggest a date, somewhere original say like the zoo, dinner, a movie or maybe even a picnic in the park!

6. It is now time to meet your victim, do whatever is necessary to lure them into the bedroom.

Have sh*t sex, my suggestion would be to let them make you cum and then give them half a hand job, yes half don’t finish. This part is crucial. Don’t pay any attention to pleasing them. Who cares if they get off? Just make sure you do!

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7. Proceed to ignore your victim.

At this point, you should already be at stage 3 with a new victim or if you are feeling super confident you could even try it with their best friend. You’re a player now kid!

And there it is ladies and gentleman! How to become a top class tool in 7 easy steps. Follow this guide meticulously and you are well on your way. You can even use it to play someone who wasn’t interested in you in the first place! Clever eh? Word of warning, though, karma is a bitch!