The ‘Selfie’ is a modern day version of the self-portrait.

It is defined by the urban dictionary as –

“A picture taken of yourself that is planned to be uploaded to Facebook, Myspace or any other sort of social networking website. You can usually see the person’s arm holding out the camera in which case you can clearly tell that this person does not have any friends to take pictures of them…”

As any modern day gay knows, you are required to upload these to Social Media at least once per day to show the world how fabulous you are! Perez Hilton has recently just jumped on the band wagon, posting pictures of his miraculous weight loss on

Whilst these narcissistic, self-indulgent portraits might be extremely pleasurable for the photographer at hand and are useful in the instance that a friend/family member might have forgotten what you look like, they are normally quite painful for the general viewing public.

A few variations exist, one includes a mirror where the phone is apparent but dignity not. Please be aware that location is everything! Make sure your bedroom is tidy, “The Sexy Selfie” never goes down well when it looks like your application picture for the TV show ‘Hoarders’ and no one really wants to see your “Trout Pout” as you make your claim for Jobseekers Allowance.

Here is my rundown of the most common –

“The Trout Pout” – Otherwise referred to as Duck Face! This Selfie is simple and remains popular with gays and gals as apparently looking like a demented duck is hot at the moment. Purse your lips, push them forward and pretend you are doing a sh*t. Think less Naomi Campbell and more Lesley Ash!

The Sexy Selfie – In a world where online dating is imperative, these are extremely important in bagging yourself a mate! The best time to take these seductive snaps is when you are sitting at home alone doing absolutely nothing sexy at all! Hold your phone high at arm’s length and try to look like you have been drop kicked in the face. Proceed to use this as your profile picture on whichever social media outlet you desire.

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“The I’m Having So Much Fun Selfie” – Points are gained if you take this one with a friend. In the midst of the laughs, chat and fabulous time you are having why not stop everything and take a selfie! Show the world that you are simply having the absolute time of your life! It also works well if taken on holiday sunbathing or at a concert seeing a major recording artist.

“I’m With a New Guy Selfie” – This selfie normally occurs after the change of a relationship status on Facebook. Long gone are the days of ice cream and countless hours listening to Celine Dion on repeat when breaking up with your Beau. To mend a broken heart, it’s all about the smart phone! Get yourself out there, pick the hottest guy you can find and take a picture. Upload this immediately to Facebook. Extra points for tagging your ex!

The Sad Face Selfie – This selfie normally occurs two weeks after uploading “I’m With a New Guy Selfie”. Back in the day when you were feeling blue, you locked your doors, shut your curtains and refused to leave the house for several days. Now you have the sad selfie to tell the world how sad and tragic your life is! Upload it to social media to bring your unique brand of sunshine.

The Post Gym Selfie – This selfie was designed by gay men to make other gay men feel bad about themselves. After a hard slog at the gym, stop, flex and say cheese. Upload this and show the world just how amazing you look! Several versions of this selfie exist, one variation is the headless torso.

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So why not give it a go? All you need is a camera phone, time on your hands and an overinflated ego!



And vogue!

About the author: Kevin Banks
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