THEGAYUK

Category: Gay Life

  • OPINION: Age Gap Relationships, What Is The Fuss?

    My name is Daniel Browne. I am 29 years old (although tell people I’m only 19) and I’m in a long term relationship with a man who is 25 years older than me. I wouldn’t be surprised if assumptions are made at this point as I have had to face them over the past couple of years. Am I gold a digging whore? Is my boyfriend a sugar Daddy? What do I get out of the relationship?

    Rather than answer those questions when people ask them, I simply give a death stare that ultimately makes the person feel as small as their mind is. Of course the answers are that I am not a gold digging whore and my boyfriend is not a sugar Daddy. I have my own career, home, and money. Sometimes I pay for things, sometimes my partner does. It’s a very grown up and equitable relationship.

    The reason I am writing about my own relationship is not because I have a great desire to let the world know certain details of my personal life, but because I am a big champion of age gap relationships. Actually, that may be slightly incorrect. I am a champion of all relationships and people having the freedom to be happy. Age gap relationships obviously fall into that. If someone wants to date another person who is years older or younger than themselves then why should it matter? The only thing that really matters is that the people in the relationship are happy.

    The world and his dog (and possibly even creatures in outer space) will have heard about Tom Daley recently revealing he is in a relationship with a man. As rabid gays and teenage girls went into diver boy crush overdrive over this ‘news’, much of the reporting in the following days began to focus on the fact that Tom’s boyfriend is twenty years older than him. Friends of mine commented on the age gap before remembering that I am with someone who is almost twice my age. I found myself getting increasingly annoyed that not only Tom’s sexuality was making the news, but also that his age gap relationship was such a big deal.

    I think that much of the problem with some of the rabid gays is that they wish they were Tom Daley’s older man. Jealousy is certainly playing a part. Personally he doesn’t do it for me but I can see why all these people would fancy him. Another reason for such a big deal being made out of this particular age gap relationship is because I think people love to be outraged or unimpressed by things. Some of it is so feigned that it’s almost amusing. All I can really say to that is people should get over themselves. Live and let live.

    There’s always going to be the haters; people who don’t agree with age gap relationships and say they shouldn’t happen. The only advice I have for those people is that they shouldn’t knock it until they have tried it. I don’t believe in passing judgement on people’s relationships and wish more people could be like that.

    After all, you can’t help who you fall in love with.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | Revising The Resolutions

    So here we are again. The start of a new year – And how do many people celebrate the coming of a new year? By looking at what they are not going to do over the next 12 months.

    No matter how you look at it, people who make resolutions are looking to give something up. Whether it be dieting (giving up food), quitting the cigarettes (self-explanatory) or even something such as getting fit (giving up slobbing on the sofa), they all involve getting rid of something out of your life. In keeping with the tradition, I have been giving some thought as to what I am giving up for the next 12 months.

    For me, as someone who does not smoke, gamble, do drugs, engage in criminal activities, conducts himself as a serial philander, pushes old ladies over in the street or generally engages in behaviour that could be considered as anti-social either by myself or by others, I am left with little choice but a rather obvious one. Part of me thinks that it is ok to be carrying those few extra pounds, simply because I can’t be bothered in getting myself out of the dent in the sofa cushion (which has to be said, has found itself nicely moulded into the shape of my backside – the very fact that when you stand up, there is a perfect imprint of my rear end still hollowed out in the cushion suggests that I need to get off the sofa more or that I need better foam cushions in the sofa… I have a feeling it is not the latter), but then there is another part of me which knows that for my health and happiness I should really get out in the fresh air a little more.

    The problem that comes with this type of resolution is that they often commence with the best intentions at New Year and last anything up to the 3rd or 4th of January. That said, placing too much pressure on yourself can be counter-productive, so as opposed to calling them New Year’s resolutions, and I going to term them as “objectives”. Furthermore, instead of being too specific in terms of my goal, I am going to attempt to change aspects of my lifestyle around my goal which (I hope) is a positive distraction from the primary objective. So here are my objectives (which may or may not be adhered to).

    1. I am going to try and swim for an hour at least three times per week

    2. I am going to reduce the number of times I have biscuits for breakfast

    3. I will make sure that my wine cellar reduces its stock in a more steady and elongated way ie. I need to stop downing wine at the weekends like it is going out of fashion. Emptying the wine cellar is not an Olympic sport (although if it was, I would be a gold medallist).

    4. I will make and stick to a shopping list as closely as possible without getting distracted by chocolate in shiny wrappings

    5. I will reluctantly accept that Pizza is not one of the basic food groups.

    6. My secretary will no longer be a bad influence when it comes to our cups of tea which, by her rules, seem to compulsorily include some form of chocolate or cake.

    7. Cheese will not be the cornerstone of my diet.

    So there it is. My last piece of writing of 2013, and one which commits me to a number of changes That said, regardless of your resolutions/objectives/panicked promises at ten seconds to midnight, I would like to take this opportunity to wish you all every success with whatever changes, goals or resolutions you make and most importantly to wish you all a very happy 2014, which is filled with good health, laughter and happiness.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | Becoming body confident

    My name is Daniel Browne and I am a fat bastard. I say this not to shock or to gain sympathy from people telling me that I am not fat and should not put myself down. I say it because I have come to the realisation that this is how I am and I now accept it.

    For years I loathed myself and the way I looked. I spent a large amount of time on diets and following weight loss plans with little results. Then one day something changed in my mind. I began to realise that the self-loathing did not come from within; it was external pressure that had caused it.

    Flicking through various fag rags I was faced with page after page of so-called hot men with all their muscles and smooth bodies on show. I felt inferior. In the media we are fed gorgeous men. We are also told how to dress, what we should be eating, which exercises we should do, and it goes on and on. I used to lap it all up and dream of becoming an Adonis if only I could stick to what the media was telling me. Now I think it’s a load of rubbish.

    I’m not alone in disliking the way I looked. Research carried out by The Gay UK has shown that 58% of gay men are not happy with their bodies. I believe the media has to take some of the blame for this. We are fed images of men with fantastic bodies, but it’s not the norm. The majority of people do not look like that.

    Then there’s the scene… The gay scene has its pros and cons, but a massive down point to it is the focus on youth and having the perfect body. It’s grotesque and I believe it is causing harm to gay people. On the gay scene, I have faced abuse for being overweight and someone once told me that the only way I will lose weight is if I become bulimic. Also on one occasion, I was turned down by a guy for being “fat”. That same guy came on to me a couple of years later when I had lost three stone. That time I turned him down for being a “twat”.

    I felt great for having done that but inside I was still suffering and continued to hate myself.
    I was slim and had one of those fantastic bodies until the age of 19. At that point, I fell into a deep depression and one day went to bed for six months. The weight piled on and I went from being fit to morbidly obese in a short space of time. Since then I have struggled to lose the excess weight. I could write a whole list of reasons why I have not managed to restore my body to its former glory, but the truth is that I was unhappy and had no motivation.

    Over time I have seen various therapists and then trained to become one myself. It was during the training that my mind-set began to change. During those three years I learnt so much about myself and human behaviour, and learnt that many of the issues I had were about what other people thought. I entertained people’s opinions and took them as the truth. I guess if you are told you’re fat and ugly enough times you start to believe it.

    Ten years after falling into depression and putting on a considerable amount of weight, I am still fat, albeit now a couple of stone lighter. However, more importantly I am a much happier person. I know that my body isn’t perfect and I should probably do something about that. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. But if I do it will be on my own terms and not because someone says I should look a certain way. And that is how to live life; on your own terms.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | The Is Who You’ll Be

    I have checked my laptop; my tablet and my very smart phone repeatedly for reassurance and, finding them all in accordance with the wonders of GMT and the world wide inter webs, I am without doubt that the date is the 14th September and the year 2013.

    Of course, a further give away that I am abundant in technological times would be that none of these Space Age ‘Back to the Future’ play things existed in the middle ages, as, equally, neither did the word “homosexuality”; a term coined by a Hungarian physician sometime in the late 19th Century, a modern invention.

    Although, of course, homosexual “practices”, and as we all know “practice makes perfect”, were in mainstream existence since the times of the Ancient Greeks; our most famed and favourite philosophers of human principal, who deemed no reason to coin such a phrase of separation, but merely understood the relationship as a simple part of the ‘aphrodisia’, otherwise known as; ‘love’.

    So I find myself in a quandary as to why it is, that two centuries after homosexuality was first given a name, and many many years since love became an acceptable part of human existence, we are having to march down to the house of the man in charge with our hands in the air to fight for the general humanity that provides each individual with the right to be free.

    The answer to this question: Russia, and I cannot tell you how long I have waited to use the phrase “From Russia, No Love”…well, honestly; I can, approximately 2 years, but that is neither here nor there in the grander scheme of things; the man that wrote that sentence in words and then forced me to listen to a half hour dialogue about the ironic presentations of word plays within pop culture reference; was an idiot, but his point vaguely stands, though not for its intended use, but as equally as he was a moron the current situation of secreted hatred is moronical.

    A word I just coined; a modern invention.

    It seems ridiculous that this debate should even carry enough weight to build a sentence out of and yet, here we are again. And I find myself wondering; what is worse here?

    The fact that a country has even thought to make such a law or that every other country in the modern world isn’t screaming “what the what!” over a couple of beers in a gay bar before mocking the imbecile for their naive lack of mind.

    For what exactly is the crime here?

    That one person might fall in love with another person?

    That one person might have to suffer the same pain and heartache, the same joy and beauty as anyone else?

    That, size charts permitting, they can swap sweaters and share shoes?

    The truth of love is that no one; male, female, whatever the hell you are, chooses where their heart goes; because if you had that choice, chances are you’d hide in a tool shed at the bottom of your parents garden until your hormones had subsided enough that you might come in contact with another human being and feel nothing, because wherever your heart finds itself it will find a world of challenges; sufferings, confusions, upsets, compromises, problems, runaways and hide and seeks and that’s the beauty of love.

    No-one is safe from it.

    No-one is more or less worthy.

    We are all equal to the heart, we are all slaves to it, and we are all lucky to experience that one moment in life when you realise; “I am completely in love with you”.

    When the most basic rules of humanity dictate that every individual should be held in equal esteem to every other individual regardless of race; religion, sex or sexuality.

    That no one man or woman is more worthy of life; and therefore, of love, than any other.

    That we are all free to feel, to be, to move around the streets of this earth without fear from any other individual or group of individuals. And yet, here, in September 2013 we, as people of this world, are allowing directed segregation’s towards individuals whose crimes are charged as: “love”. And to continue to argue “Cultural Diversity”, is just not an admissible excuse to overlook injustices to a community of people who span every culture; every diversity, apart from anything else its a massive hypocrisy to permit injustice of human rights in the name of “acceptance” when the very nature of that condition is a rejection of an acceptance of human rights.

    So here we are, standing at the doors of Downing Street with our hands in the air asking for the truest thing, the most natural thing the world has ever known: the right to fall in love; to let that love live and to walk down the street holding its hand because there comes a time, in life, when we; as people, as individuals, have to accept that; “this is who I am and this is who you’ll be”.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | Why gay men will never be happy with their bodies (or will they?)

    How many of us are never completely happy with our bodies? There’s a clouded grey area between what I wish I looked like and how good I can realistically look. This is probably the same for gay men, straight men, straight women and even lesbians alike. As with all factors of our lives, there’s always the strive for better or more.

    After working in gyms and health clubs for the better part of three years I’ve found that even the hunkiest of personal trainers will have body envy over someone else. You’ll hear, I wish I had that guys chest, calves, abs, lats, etc all the time even when their physiques are pretty spectacular to start with.

    The difference with us gays and our self-image is that we have a constant point of referral to how good we look everytime we lust after a hottie (which if you’re like me is about every 10 minutes). Whenever a scrumptious looking man walks past with his guns out, half of us thinks we wanna hit that and the other half thinks we oughtta hit the gym in order to look like that.

    Another terrible moment of body image fear is when you get to disrobe with another hottie and staring back at you is a fun house mirror image of what you really hoped you’d look like by now. And even if the guy standing naked in front of you looks like Alcide the werewolf from True Blood; all you’re thinking about is how on your best day you’re more like Sam Merlott. If you’re not a True Blood fan then Google those characters and you’ll see what I mean; I recommend adding the word ‘naked’ or ‘topless’ afterwards in order to get a true representation of what I’m talking about.

    There has been plenty of anecdotal evidence to suggest that gay men also struggle with a significant degree of self-hatred. Whether your childhood and coming out was dramatic or a breeze there would have been a point when you hated the strange feelings you were starting to recognise as being gay. This means that by definition gay men are less likely to be happy with ourselves and so will influence ever aspect of our lives from who we date, who we spend time with and the work that we do. In other words sleeping with uggos in order to get validation (tell me you haven’t done it), working out every day of the week and denying yourself carbs in an effort to look perfect. Self-hatred on any scale makes us more susceptible to having an external-identity; meaning that we place more emphasis on how others see us rather than how we see ourselves.

    Research has show that, not surprisingly, gay men and straight women have the most negative body images and that straight men and lesbians are the most comfortable with their bodies. However, unlike straight women who have a good chance of finding someone who loves them even though they don’t look like a movie star (because straight men are less focused on body image), gay men will often have a difficult time finding someone who isn’t overly-focused on body image and therefore help them overcome body dysmorphic beliefs. How many times have you dismissed someone for being a little chubby or you’ve been dismissed because you’re not a grade-A gym hottie? It’s par for the course in the gay dating world for hotties to only date equally hot men; thus making the stereotype even harder to break.

    When I started travelling I wasn’t able to be in a regular gym routine and didn’t eat healthy, ok fine I probably didn’t need to have chocolate biscuits for breakfast but I figured in for a penny in for a pound… and man did the pounds pile on. I managed to gain a stone in a month and had no one to blame but… everyone else in the world! Man boobs aside the 6 months I spent in Dubai did give me the chance to focus on something other than how much I weighed. There was nothing I could do about it, with no money for a gym membership, no room to properly exercise, not even the possibility to go out for a walk in the 45 degree heat, I just had to learn to love my fat. It was incredibly frustrating but at the same time it was very freeing. How long have you been harbouring weight loss/gain goals? How many years have you spent deeming your life not a complete success because you didn’t have a six-pack? How many years will it be until you finally realise that a six-pack won’t bring you happiness, it will only bring you hunger?

    Personally I found great comfort in Hugh Jackman … not in that way… although I wouldn’t say no. Hugh was one of the first body transformations that I’d read about for men training for a role. And while the man looks fantastic (go on, Google him, say it’s research and enjoy) his training regime and diet is insane. It highlights that what Hollywoods shows us is most definitely art, not real life. While it is possible to train hard and look like Wolverine it involves waking up at 4:30am to eat salmon so that you have enough protein in your diet, training for several hours everyday, eating 6,000 calories as day of miserable food and getting paid to do it rather than paying to do it. It’s his job; he wouldn’t do it if he didn’t have to and couldn’t get the results without someone to do it for him.

    So give yourself a break and learn to love your fat.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | Somethings Change, And Some Things Stay The Same

    In recent time we have seen through various media channels, the march for equal marriage seems to be marching globally and at an ever increasing pace.

    I don’t know about anyone else but when I look at each news announcement I feel a sense of excitement and joy that the world takes another step towards a more fair and just world.

    But at the same time, how big are our steps forward? What do they realistically mean to us on the ground that lives each day with the problems and issues that (currently) come with being LGBT? Have things changed that dramatically over the past 40 years? I’ll confess at this point that I am 26 so my accounts of what occurred in the 70s and 80s are based on history and what friends who lived through those periods have told me.

    In the last 50 or so years the LGBT community has seen many ups and downs. Starting with the Stonewall clashes in 1969 right the way through to the bombing of the Admiral Duncan in 1999 and the “Straight Alliance” marches of today. During the 70’s and 80’s homophobia was widespread and very much an ‘accepted’ legitimate view by most governments. And that isn’t just in this country, but all over the world. ‘Coming out’ was very much a life or death decision for many in the LGBT community. Most chose not to and either buried their feelings or lived a “double life”. There was very little in the way of support and counselling and even less in the way of public support and promotion.

    Having said that, during all this darkness and struggle the LGBT community was exactly that; a community. From stories that I have been told and recollections from others who lived in London and Manchester at those times, the communities there stuck together to help each other out. If there was an assault they would rally round each other or if a “gay-friendly” bar or pub was under threat of closure they would come to support and boost numbers. By all accounts, the community was so underground but at the same time so close-knit that it even gave rise to the infamous “hanky code”. (For those that don’t know if it, I highly recommend you Google it. It’s very… interesting!).

    So in the 21st century, the age of information and connection where are we? Are we any closer to that Holy Grail that is equality? Well, let’s start with the last point; the hanky code and ‘underground’ culture. On the whole, I think this has died out or is dying out. With the establishment of “gay bars” or gay-friendly bars, there is more choice and selection for venues to attend and for the community to meet in. Social media and the wonder that is Grindr has made interacting with each other far easier and in some ways more open. Although social media isn’t everyone’s cup of tea you have to give it credit for opening up the community even further.

    Social media has also meant that the confused teenager or middle aged father of 2 now has an outlet to explore or vent what feelings or inklings they may have. Where would they have gone before to find out more about their feelings? A public toilet? Their local gay bar (if they have one) where they are watched as they go in and out? Not exactly options that fill you with safety and reassurance. However social media offers an outlet where they can explore their feelings, relatively safely and in their own time and terms. Surely that is a step forward?

    How about the sense of community and togetherness? Has the LGBT community gelled together or are we growing further apart? In my experience, I think we are growing further apart. In hard times (financial or otherwise) I have seen several different cases where local bars, businesses or organisations have had to close because the local community hasn’t been there to support them. The old community are still there and still have those principles (myself included) but the new age community don’t seem to have or share those principles. (I apologise if I am doing them an injustice).

    Pride seems like an opportunity to get drunk and sleep with people you otherwise wouldn’t have been able to; well that at least was my experience of it. Pride should be about the community coming together and taking pride in who we are and what we stand for. I could bet any money that at any pride in any part of the world will be at least 2 people dressed in attire that would suit “Madame Helga’s House of Pain”. When did that become part of being gay? And when did that become making a stand for equality? Children attend these pride events… they shouldn’t be exposed to “backless chaps”. But I digress… the point is, what has pride become? I don’t think it’s about pride in who we are and our community anymore, which is a great shame.

    Nationwide and even globally the equality movement is picking up pace and the message seems to be taking hold. This is something to be grateful of and continue to support (and I do) but always be aware of what is happening on the ground. Prejudice, inequality and homophobia are still rampant in this country and we should take pride in all those that work to stamp it out and hope that that message never changes.

    For those of you with a keen film mind, the title of this entry comes from a quote from the Matrix movies. I was watching them the other day and the phrase stuck in my head as something fairly apt. No matter what the age or period, the notion that some things change and some things stay the same still holds true.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | Has pride lost its way?

    Pride events have been happening in the UK since the 70s, with new ones currently popping up every year. But have they lost their original meaning? Are they now just about getting drunk and partying?

    I think so.

    For me Pride events are essential. They provide an opportunity for the LGBT community to be visible and show the world that they exist in many forms. However I do feel that over the years the original meaning of Pride has been lost. When the first Prides started taking place all those years ago it was a human rights and political movement aimed at showing we exist and want the same rights and freedoms as everyone else. Cut to 2013 and it seems to be a big party and the activism slant appears to now be a small part of the wider occasion, certainly from the Pride events that I have been to. They are now huge commercial events and people only seem interested in what performers there will be and which club to go to in the evening. It really saddens me because I believe there is so much more to Pride.

    This year I went to Birmingham Pride with the LGBTQ youth support charity that I run. We marched in the Pride parade with placards referencing comments made by MP’s in the marriage equality debate. It was slightly tongue in cheek but the meaning was clear. It was about politics and the rights of LGBT people. It was a protest. It was also probably the best Pride experience I have had. I felt like I was spreading an important message and doing my bit for our rights and freedoms. Admittedly I did then party a bit and watched the Cheeky Girls (to my slight embarrassment I am a huge fan), but the day wasn’t all about the party.

    With all of those things in mind, I began setting about organising my county’s first ever Pride event, Warwickshire Pride. There’s a growing buzz around it and many people are asking who will be performing (Chica Latina from Britain’s Got Talent if you must know), but the emphasis of this Pride is on celebrating diversity and highlighting what Pride events were originally about. The strap line for Warwickshire Pride is ‘celebrating diversity in the community’ and that’s what it’s all about; bringing people from different communities together and demonstrating the struggle that LGBT people have had whilst also showing the massive progress there has been. Yes, there will be performers and entertainment through the day. Yes there will be a huge after-party when the sun sets. But Warwickshire Pride will primarily be a peaceful protest with a message.

    Warwickshire lags behind many parts of the country, with much homophobia and opposition to the progression of our rights (I’ve personally been beaten, abused and barred from a pub for being gay), so perhaps that is a reason why I feel the need for this Pride to have a big element of activism as part of it, but I truly feel that it is an element that Prides up and down the country would benefit from introducing more of.

    Pride started off as a protest. It still should be.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | Out In The Therapy Room

    OPINION | Out In The Therapy Room

    I know what you may be thinking about; you have your own secrets and your own reasons for coming to counselling. Things that you’ve bottled up and repressed for years. Ashamed to talk or speak of who you secretly you’re attracted to.

    You feel that to express these fears they become real, no longer to be ignored. That I’ll judge you on some level. You’ll be less of a man. I won’t value you the same as human being.

    Of course I’m a man as well; maybe I remind you of your father, brother or the boy who used to pick on you at school. You’re nervous about being raw and vulnerable with me, afraid of my response. What you may not have considered is that I am gay too.

    I am the counsellor that you see sat before you. Confident. Calm and friendly. However before I became this person I was sat in the same chair that you are, worrying about the same things. I understand because like many gay therapists, I was a client first. I will also have been in the position of speaking to a therapist about my sexuality – positive or negative- and appreciate how much courage it can take to have this conversation.

    If I told you that I was gay would the worry about telling me about yourself disappear? If you knew about my coming out experiences, would you believe that I could empathise with the struggles you are facing?

    If you stopped caring about my reactions and judgement, Would you begin to care for yourself? You might not have come into counselling to talk about your sexuality but does it feel different to feel that it is not off the cards if you want to. I accept that counsellors do not need to be a man or gay to be able to work with you but knowing that I have walked the same roads as you may bring a different kind of assurance and the feeling that when I say “I understand” that my response is more heartfelt. Unlike talking to your father, brother or friend, there will be no judgment on the things that have happened to you that you still carry today.

    If I told you that I was a member of an ethical body that has concluded that gay “conversion” therapies are unethical and anyone practising them would face disciplinary action. Does that help to assure you of the men and women that have chosen to stand together with regardless of sexuality?

    Of course the questions that are asked here are only for you; I don’t need or expect an answer. But there are Gay Counsellors out there who are proud of their sexuality and confident enough to recognise the power it holds in the counselling relationship. We use the term “Gay affirmative” to show that we embrace the positive aspect of being true to yourself and value the power it holds in the counselling relationship.

    The power comes from letting you know that I can relate to some of the experiences you may choose to bring to the time we share together. I can understand the power in being able to express freely, who I love, how I live and who I am.

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.