THEGAYUK

Category: Topics

  • OPINION | Becoming body confident

    My name is Daniel Browne and I am a fat bastard. I say this not to shock or to gain sympathy from people telling me that I am not fat and should not put myself down. I say it because I have come to the realisation that this is how I am and I now accept it.

    For years I loathed myself and the way I looked. I spent a large amount of time on diets and following weight loss plans with little results. Then one day something changed in my mind. I began to realise that the self-loathing did not come from within; it was external pressure that had caused it.

    Flicking through various fag rags I was faced with page after page of so-called hot men with all their muscles and smooth bodies on show. I felt inferior. In the media we are fed gorgeous men. We are also told how to dress, what we should be eating, which exercises we should do, and it goes on and on. I used to lap it all up and dream of becoming an Adonis if only I could stick to what the media was telling me. Now I think it’s a load of rubbish.

    I’m not alone in disliking the way I looked. Research carried out by The Gay UK has shown that 58% of gay men are not happy with their bodies. I believe the media has to take some of the blame for this. We are fed images of men with fantastic bodies, but it’s not the norm. The majority of people do not look like that.

    Then there’s the scene… The gay scene has its pros and cons, but a massive down point to it is the focus on youth and having the perfect body. It’s grotesque and I believe it is causing harm to gay people. On the gay scene, I have faced abuse for being overweight and someone once told me that the only way I will lose weight is if I become bulimic. Also on one occasion, I was turned down by a guy for being “fat”. That same guy came on to me a couple of years later when I had lost three stone. That time I turned him down for being a “twat”.

    I felt great for having done that but inside I was still suffering and continued to hate myself.
    I was slim and had one of those fantastic bodies until the age of 19. At that point, I fell into a deep depression and one day went to bed for six months. The weight piled on and I went from being fit to morbidly obese in a short space of time. Since then I have struggled to lose the excess weight. I could write a whole list of reasons why I have not managed to restore my body to its former glory, but the truth is that I was unhappy and had no motivation.

    Over time I have seen various therapists and then trained to become one myself. It was during the training that my mind-set began to change. During those three years I learnt so much about myself and human behaviour, and learnt that many of the issues I had were about what other people thought. I entertained people’s opinions and took them as the truth. I guess if you are told you’re fat and ugly enough times you start to believe it.

    Ten years after falling into depression and putting on a considerable amount of weight, I am still fat, albeit now a couple of stone lighter. However, more importantly I am a much happier person. I know that my body isn’t perfect and I should probably do something about that. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. But if I do it will be on my own terms and not because someone says I should look a certain way. And that is how to live life; on your own terms.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | Coming Out: You say a hill, I say a mountain

    It’s been a while since I’ve submitted any articles, partly because I’ve been moving and partly because what writing I have been doing seems to be turning into a bit of a beast. A big gay-related beast! I won’t give much away (in fact I’ve given nothing away) but I suspect I may park the beast for the moment and save it for a rainy day.

    Last month everyone has been talking about ‘coming out’ and what this means to people. In my mind coming out is a very personal thing and means different things to different people. But what does it mean to be ‘out’ and why is coming out still a thing for the gay community? Are we making a mountain out of a mole hill?

    When I was 18 (all those many years ago) I pretty much knew what I was and that girls just held no interest for me at all. However, no matter how good my friends were or how close I felt to them I didn’t feel that while at college I could ‘out myself’ to everyone. I think this was mainly because I was scared of losing the friends I had worked so hard to earn – I wasn’t a very popular kid when I started high school (I looked like Harry Potter). That and of the guys that had declared themselves as gay in my year were, how shall we say, ‘bad examples of gay men’ that didn’t have a nice word to say about anyone.

    I remember one occasion when one of them decided to be incredibly bitchy to a friend that had simply and politely said hello to him. Having overheard this I quickly stepped into action and launched a tirade of abuse at said boy reducing him and his ‘posse’ to tears. While this isn’t something I am necessarily proud of I stand by that action as it was one of many incidents where this person had spat poison at the world and spitting poison at the innocent is a step too far.

    At the time I felt like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. My experience of being gay up until that point was two very camp, very bitchy gay guys in my year that had a very close group of friends but other than that was on the outer edges of the school social groups. Do I out myself and declare myself as different to them or just keep shtum as being different doesn’t make a difference?

    The moment I left college (literally that afternoon) and after quite a few drinks down the local Wetherspoons I did out myself and the majority of my friends did the usual response stating that they already knew and this was old news. I didn’t know whether to be flattered or not, in my mind I hadn’t given anything away – I was the perfect model of a “straight teenager”. Or so I thought.

    It’s only now looking back that actually I remember a few house parties where hands would wander and my crush on two boys in my class (one at a time I might add). The first one was tall, thin and blonde. He was laid back, took everything as cool as you like, and was good with his hands and just yum. I had thought I was discreet but clearly my gawping at him didn’t go un-noticed. That and I used to make up stuff just so he would talk to me. (You can see why me being gay was obvious to people can’t you??).

    The other one was a member of my close group of friends. Tall, thin but this one was sporty. Sweet as you like but very teenage male, which kind of made him even hotter. Anywho, when at house parties it was my hands that would go wandering (or a cheeky feel of certain areas).

    Given all that I think that I made more of an issue of coming out that I should have done. Clearly I wanted to, and it was abundantly obvious that I was but in my head coming out would end the world and sees me back as the lonely boy I was in the first year of high school.

    Coming out to my mum was just as traumatic, but for completely different reasons. At the time I was seeing someone (not quite first love but close) and it had ended abruptly as he was shagging his ex and couldn’t have the spine enough to look me in the eye to tell me. So I was sat at home crying my eyes out and saw fit to dump all this on my mum and seek some motherly comfort. Not the best way to do it, but none the less got it done. Tears were had but no anger or issues and now she thinks it’s wonderful.

    My dad on the other hand is another kettle of fish. As with my school mates I strongly suspect that he knows, especially as I’m 26 and have never brought home a girlfriend or even mentioned one. I did agree with myself that once I had moved out from the family home that I would sit him down and tell him as I was then out and standing on my own two feet. If he then chose to have an issue with it I wouldn’t be living under his roof. I doubt he will, but it’s that little voice in the back of the head that says “be careful”.

    I am currently out of the family home and still haven’t had ‘the conversation’. I am going steady with someone and he has met my mum and brothers family and technically has met my dad, but not as “Hi Dad, this is the man I love”. I know I should just get it out of the way but something just stops me from doing so. Which isn’t me at all, usually I look people in the eye and tell them how things are. I can’t stand people that shake off their responsibilities, especially if a relationship is coming to an end. But here I am, shying away from doing something that could well be a mole hill and not a mountain…

    At work technically speaking I am not “out” but that isn’t through wanting to hide my sexuality that is more to do with that I just don’t discuss such things at work. Some of the people know as I know them outside of the office but on the whole they don’t and actually I’m not fussed if they do or do not know. If that’s lazy state of ‘in the closet’ then fine, I’m being lazy!

    In a time where discrimination is still rife I understand the fear people have and why people therefore fear the damage that coming out does. I would however encourage everyone to really think and see if this is truly a mountain or a mole hill? Is the damage real or is the news already out and the damage not what you think? Sometimes it will be, sometimes it won’t.

    But always remember to do what feels right for you and what works. Coming out is a personal thing so never feel pressured into doing or not doing anything. No one has the right to force you into coming out, not even a partner.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION: Don’t Take It The Wrong Way: Homosexuality in Comedy

    In 1972, during an impromptu TV appearance with jazz singer George Melly, Monty Python star Graham Chapman, rather drunkenly, came out publicly as the first gay comedian in British history.

    This casual announcement caused no small amount of outrage – homosexuality had only been decriminalised three years previously and it was far from universally accepted. 41 years on, our attitudes have changed: the recent British Attitudes Survey revealed four-fifths of people now have no objection to homosexual relationships, and same sex marriage is soon to become law. But has the comedy world kept pace with this social change?

    Certainly, directly homophobic jokes are no longer accepted by audiences. Where you might have had a few non-ironic, ‘come over a little queer’, innuendos in working men’s clubs in the 1970s, these are now restricted to the school playground. But homosexuality still remains to some extent a taboo and therefore a basis – if not a target – for comedy.

    Consider, for instance, how a comedian can get a laugh out of allusion to a homosexual act or homosexual attraction, which wouldn’t be possible with the heterosexual equivalent. Comedians can also continue to spout gay-innuendo, as long as it is done from behind the mask of a character (cf Al Murray) or irony (cf Jimmy Carr).

    In other words, we as a nation no longer think homosexuality is wrong but are happy to laugh at it, provided we believe the comedy’s creators share our enlightened views.

    Chapman’s coming out in 1972 was closely followed by the premiere of Are You Being Served – perhaps the source of Britain’s most famous comic gay character.

    Though now dated, Mr Humphries camp behaviour crops up later in Gimme Gimme Gimme, Benidorm and Little Britain, while the trope of a closeted or secretly gay man resurfaces frequently, for instance Frasier’s Gil Chesterton, The Simpsons’ Smithers and Ted & Ralph from The Fast Show.

    On the live circuit, numerous all-male sketch groups coax wild laughter out of subtle suggestions of attraction between the actual cast members and their attempted or successful sexual advances (passionate snogs in male sketch groups are so frequent it’s a wonder anyone is still able to believe they are unplanned).

    A reasonable question is whether this is something we should be concerned about. I would not for one second suggest the people making the above work hate gay people or necessarily hold even slightly homophobic views. After all, comedy’s role is merely to play on taboos; it is society that is responsible for creating them.

    Comedy reflects the world and its prejudices and, if we don’t like what we see, this is just the rage of Caliban seeing his own face in a glass (to quote Oscar Wilde – perhaps the world’s most famously ill-fated homosexual comedian). One could easily claim that playing on gay taboos does not involve saying homosexuality is wrong, merely that it historically exists outside of the mainstream.

    But doesn’t comedy have a duty to question and to change the world, rather than simply playing to its basest interests?

    After all, no self-respecting comedian would tell racist jokes, even if their audience happened to consist entirely of BNP activists who genuinely enjoyed them. Isn’t laughing at a situation predicated on homosexuality saying, in some way, that to be gay is somehow slightly ridiculous – not wrong or evil – but somehow lesser, not ordinary, not completely sensible. There is perhaps a hint of macho culture at work – a culture often accused of pervading comedy – where the jokes of the playground are rejected but their underlying narrative is accepted and played on.

    It has been frequently noted that men playing women gets laughs but women playing men does not, and that this may be down to the gender-power-play at work. Perhaps the same process exists when a straight man ‘plays gay’. Certainly the reverse wouldn’t be funny – the heterosexuality of a straight man, in itself, is never made the basis for a joke.

    Doesn’t the mere fact of this suggest something not entirely comfortable at work behind homosexuality’s portrayal in comedy?

    It is also interesting to contrast how frequently, how well and from how early on drama – on stage and screen – has tackled the real life issues of homosexuality, gay life and gay culture, and has succeeded in presenting numerous three-dimensional gay characters. Perhaps comedy is starting to do this, although its tendency toward stereotype makes it not best placed for the challenge. But surely, through satire, it is perfectly positioned to tackle the existing power-play between gay-straight relations and the place of gay stereotypes in culture.

    Where are the stand-up routines and the sketches poking fun at the casually accepted cultural view of homosexuality as effeminate or butch, transgressive, ridiculous or naughty?

    Graham Chapman did much to advance gay rights, mainly by living in the public eye as a non-stereotypical, and successful, gay man. But his comedy work with the Pythons made as much comedy hay from ‘poofs’ as anyone else. Perhaps it’s time for comedy to take a more active approach to gay representation – to stop meeting expectations and start setting them. If homosexuality has become a cheap laugh and an easy target, why not take aim at the harder target – comedy itself.

    By Tom Crawshaw

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • OPINION | Why don’t we come out?

    Over this month you will have no doubt read many articles and stories about how people have come out. Across the gay community, it is the one thing we all have in common; we all have a story to tell.

    Some are happy stories that strengthen relationships and make the ties that bind closer. Others have had negative effects on relationships for various different reasons. My personal experience was generally apathy. I had a lot of “yes, I know” and “oh, is that all?” I’m not exactly a stereotype either, I don’t like girls aloud, I’m not fashionable or into male grooming. I’m fat and a geek.

    Even working as a counsellor with LGBT clients who have not had a positive reaction, I have never come across anyone that has regretted doing so. Most are upset and hurt that they have been rejected but proud that they have found the strength to say proudly and honestly who they are.

    So what stops us from coming out? How do we rationalise this away? Here are a few things that may prevent people from my personal experience and work with clients.

     

    Fear of change

    Fear of change is probably being the biggest blocker for most changes, Whether or not we are looking at coming out, changing career, moving or ending a relationship. No matter how unhappy people are the fear of taking the leap into the unknown is enough to stop them.

    Change is scary but without it nothing will ever be any different. I remember waking up the morning after coming out to my parents and regretting it. I was scared because I did not know the rules anymore. I knew how to lie and manipulate the truth so they never found out. I did not know how to be open and honest with them. But in the longer term guess which option was less stressful and frustrating.

     

    They know anyway

    My rationale was always that I was 90% sure that my parents knew anyway, they had stopped asking about relationships and dating. It was the big pink elephant in the room that was not referred to. The 10% left was doubt because I had never discussed it and avoided the topic of conversation. The counsellor that I was working with at the time challenged me that if I was so sure why wasn’t I having the conversation. She was right; this was a very subtle form of denial. If we can avoid the situation then it does not need to be dealt with.

     

    Timing and circumstance

    Of course everybody has the right to do things at their own pace and circumstances. My fear of being outed was always around the fact that I felt it was my human right to have this conversation when I was ready. I had been confused as to what my actual sexuality was. When I was younger there were not a lot of positive role models around that I could identify with. To be a gay was to be effeminate and less of a man. That was how you were perceived and that didn’t fit with me. I was not confident in my sexuality or ready to have that discussion. Once I admitted to myself that I was gay, I knew that the conversation would need to happen

     

    They will hate me for lying to them

    I was 32, gay and hadn’t come out to my parents. I felt that I had gone past a reasonable amount of time where I could tell them. Aside from not telling them about my sexuality, I had close relationship to them. I was afraid that they would feel betrayed. The issue of me being gay no longer felt like a concern, the issue of me being a liar was very much present. When I came out to my parents I asked them if they felt this way, my dad had said it was my business and had I chosen not to tell them so he respected my privacy.

    So when it finally came down to it, all my reasons were blockers and negative thoughts. None turned out to be legitimate concerns. I appreciate that this will not ring true for everyone and I can’t tell you that it is an easy path to choose.

    But I can tell you this, I didn’t realise the weight I was carrying till it was gone. I respected myself a lot more for having been completely honest about the person I am and it has been the most liberating experience of my life. I know who I am now and so does the world.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | Is there a need to come out?

    Coming out as gay can be an apprehensive time of life. I’m sure most of you will be aware of that feeling of dread that becomes all-consuming when considering revealing your sexuality.

    What if people don’t accept it and your family disown you? What if you end up with no friends? Such questions spark a panic within, but then we take the plunge anyway with something along the lines of “Mum, Dad, I’m gay”. Should we have to come out though?

    My coming out was in a far less civilised manner than quietly announcing to my parents that I am gay. During an argument, my Dad asked me if I’m a queer. I shouted, “yes I f***ing am actually”. Drama ensued, but I won’t go into that right now for this is about the need to come out.

    The first time I began to debate this topic with myself was when I had not long come out. I spent weeks telling everyone I knew that I was gay and began to thrive on people’s reactions. But then one day one of my friends said “and…” when I excitedly told her I am gay. She could not care less. I was offended at the time as this was the first instance I had come across someone who didn’t react with excitement or horror to my big news. How dare she not be bothered, I thought. However, as it began to sink in I slowly realised that I actually appreciated her response. Being gay was not an issue to this person. She only cared about the person within; the heart and soul. I guess that is why I was her friend.

    From that moment I held back on telling people about my sexuality. I didn’t begin to hide it, but I would only talk about it if it was part of a conversation that involved discussing personal stuff. I considered the fact that I had not changed as a person and therefore it shouldn’t matter. Why should I be defined by my sexuality?

    That is how I carried on living my life until recently I began to change my opinion again. I have received a lot of press coverage recently due to organising my county’s first ever Pride event. I didn’t consider it at first, but the media coverage has been effectively outing me to the public. It made me feel slightly uncomfortable until I realised that it is probably a good thing for people to see a positive visible representation of a gay man in the paper or hear that on the radio, which brings me to answering the question; is there a need to come out?

    While not a profound need to reveal one’s sexuality, I do feel it is important to be visible. I am all for people having the right to keep their sexuality to themselves. That should be respected. But I do think it is important for people to open about their sexuality. It is only with increased visibility and openness that society and the world around us becomes a more tolerant place.

    If we didn’t have so many out people, would we be living in a generally tolerant society? I’m not sure that we would. With people remaining in the closet there would be no visibility. How can a society progress when it comes to something that can’t be seen? Of course, I’m looking at the bigger picture, but I see it as vital to always consider the bigger picture. To bring it down to a basic level and look at whether there is a need to come out to friends and family, then I think there is… for now.

    We still live in a world where everyone is assumed to be straight unless informed otherwise. Personally, I feel there is a need to come out if you are to have an open relationship with those close to you. How can there be a fruitful family relationship or friendship if a significant part of your being is kept a secret?

    Ultimately I believe in individual choice and people having the freedom to come out or not come out on their own terms. Surely the world would be a better place if everyone was out, though.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | The Is Who You’ll Be

    I have checked my laptop; my tablet and my very smart phone repeatedly for reassurance and, finding them all in accordance with the wonders of GMT and the world wide inter webs, I am without doubt that the date is the 14th September and the year 2013.

    Of course, a further give away that I am abundant in technological times would be that none of these Space Age ‘Back to the Future’ play things existed in the middle ages, as, equally, neither did the word “homosexuality”; a term coined by a Hungarian physician sometime in the late 19th Century, a modern invention.

    Although, of course, homosexual “practices”, and as we all know “practice makes perfect”, were in mainstream existence since the times of the Ancient Greeks; our most famed and favourite philosophers of human principal, who deemed no reason to coin such a phrase of separation, but merely understood the relationship as a simple part of the ‘aphrodisia’, otherwise known as; ‘love’.

    So I find myself in a quandary as to why it is, that two centuries after homosexuality was first given a name, and many many years since love became an acceptable part of human existence, we are having to march down to the house of the man in charge with our hands in the air to fight for the general humanity that provides each individual with the right to be free.

    The answer to this question: Russia, and I cannot tell you how long I have waited to use the phrase “From Russia, No Love”…well, honestly; I can, approximately 2 years, but that is neither here nor there in the grander scheme of things; the man that wrote that sentence in words and then forced me to listen to a half hour dialogue about the ironic presentations of word plays within pop culture reference; was an idiot, but his point vaguely stands, though not for its intended use, but as equally as he was a moron the current situation of secreted hatred is moronical.

    A word I just coined; a modern invention.

    It seems ridiculous that this debate should even carry enough weight to build a sentence out of and yet, here we are again. And I find myself wondering; what is worse here?

    The fact that a country has even thought to make such a law or that every other country in the modern world isn’t screaming “what the what!” over a couple of beers in a gay bar before mocking the imbecile for their naive lack of mind.

    For what exactly is the crime here?

    That one person might fall in love with another person?

    That one person might have to suffer the same pain and heartache, the same joy and beauty as anyone else?

    That, size charts permitting, they can swap sweaters and share shoes?

    The truth of love is that no one; male, female, whatever the hell you are, chooses where their heart goes; because if you had that choice, chances are you’d hide in a tool shed at the bottom of your parents garden until your hormones had subsided enough that you might come in contact with another human being and feel nothing, because wherever your heart finds itself it will find a world of challenges; sufferings, confusions, upsets, compromises, problems, runaways and hide and seeks and that’s the beauty of love.

    No-one is safe from it.

    No-one is more or less worthy.

    We are all equal to the heart, we are all slaves to it, and we are all lucky to experience that one moment in life when you realise; “I am completely in love with you”.

    When the most basic rules of humanity dictate that every individual should be held in equal esteem to every other individual regardless of race; religion, sex or sexuality.

    That no one man or woman is more worthy of life; and therefore, of love, than any other.

    That we are all free to feel, to be, to move around the streets of this earth without fear from any other individual or group of individuals. And yet, here, in September 2013 we, as people of this world, are allowing directed segregation’s towards individuals whose crimes are charged as: “love”. And to continue to argue “Cultural Diversity”, is just not an admissible excuse to overlook injustices to a community of people who span every culture; every diversity, apart from anything else its a massive hypocrisy to permit injustice of human rights in the name of “acceptance” when the very nature of that condition is a rejection of an acceptance of human rights.

    So here we are, standing at the doors of Downing Street with our hands in the air asking for the truest thing, the most natural thing the world has ever known: the right to fall in love; to let that love live and to walk down the street holding its hand because there comes a time, in life, when we; as people, as individuals, have to accept that; “this is who I am and this is who you’ll be”.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | #HateDoesNotPay: Russian’s Shortsighted Homophobia

    So Putin hates homos. We all know that – he has made it very clear and the Anti-Gay legislation plaguing Russia has been referenced across the LGBT and mainstream medias. The human rights and social welfare implications are dire but what about a colder, less humane, and perhaps purely financial interpretation?

    So, let’s ask – do we reckon Putin has thought this through? Does he understand the social and economic impact state-sponsored homophobia will have on the country? Does he hate money as much as he hates homos? I doubt it.

    The pink pound is estimated to be worth £6 billion per year in the UK, and over £350 billion of pink money was spent globally in 2012. Russia is missing out on this trade as discerning gay consumers will not be flying to Moscow or St.Petersburg, and many will also be boycotting Russian products at home. Indeed Chief Executive Officer for SPI (which owns Stolichnaya Vodka) Val Mendeleeva has publically explained that although some ingredients used to make Stoli do come from Russia, “the Russian government has no ownership interest or control over the Stoli brand that is privately owned by SPI Group.” It is interesting to see that he has made it very clear the company “fully support and endorse your [lgbt community] objectives to fight against prejudice in Russia. In the past decade, SPI has been actively advocating in favor of freedom, tolerance and openness in society, standing very passionately on the side of the LGBT community and will continue to support any effective initiative in that direction.” Clearly the boycott, even if slightly misdirected, does have an impact. Perhaps that is an angle Russia might listen to?

    And what about the labour force contributing to such businesses? How productive are people when they cannot be themselves? Various organisations have argued that 6-10% of the UK population is lesbian, gay or bisexual. Assuming that the UK is roughly representative of other European countries (and not a homo-hot-spot) then that means there could be 8.6 – 14.3 million lesbian, gay or bisexual Russians. Even a conservative medium estimate leaves over 10 million employees not giving 100% to their work, social or personal lives.

    With Russia’s economy showing signs of weakness, workers need to perform better and be happy to invest back into goods and services. With industrial output declining in early 2013 (for the first time since 2009) and foreign direct investment subdued, perhaps Russia’s unpredictability and lack of commitment to the rights of its nationals is having a cost. Further economic issues, such as inflation, increased in the second half of 2012 and is set to remain high for 2013.

    Furthermore, if you had the choice wouldn’t you leave? And who has those choices in life usually? Is it Russia’s affluent? Perhaps they will be able to escape first and take their money somewhere else. And is it a stretch too far to assume that not all Russians are homophobic? Galop, London’s LGBT community safety charity, highlights that over 1000 homophobioc hate crimes take place in London each year – does that mean everyone in the capital is partial to a bit of gay bashing? I’d hope not! And would Putin carry out the attacks we see in the news personally?

    But who will ask these questions of him? Is anyone able to pose these questions? #hatedoesnotpay @VladimirPutin

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | Outrage and Fear: The Return of ‘Section 28’

    By now most of us will be aware of the news that some schools in the UK have Section 28 style policies regarding sex education. While it’s not a complete return to the dark days of the actual Section 28, it is a worrying discovery and one that concerns me enormously.

    I was at school from 1989 until 2002. That was the period in which Section 28 was in force, eventually being repealed in 2003. While the law banned the promotion of homosexuality, it actually did more than that and had damaging consequences for gay youth. I was one of them.

    I went to a Catholic school so there was no sex education of any kind, but there was very much a culture of homophobic bullying. Whether someone was gay or simply perceived to be, their life would be made hell and the teachers would turn a blind eye to it. I was one of those kids perceived to be gay.

    I came out to friends when I was 15, but I was never out to anyone at school. In primary school I was racially bullied for having a dark skinned Mum and a white Dad, but as we all moved on to secondary school and it was more noticeable that my only friends were girls, the bullying soon became homophobic.

    Daily taunts about my perceived sexuality became the norm. The teachers could see and hear what was happening but never once intervened. In particular I remember a school trip to Devon. During the week long trip it was absolute hell. I had to share a room with several boys in my class and put up with their name calling. On the bus home it all came to a head.

    The other lads began singing homophobic songs at me. The song ‘YMCA’ was changed to ‘why is he gay’, and the dance track ‘Til I Come’ by ATB (gives you an indication of how long ago it was) was changed to ‘Til I Bum’. It seems quite silly and I laugh about it now, but at the time it hurt and did a lot of psychological damage. The teachers on the bus could hear what was going on. I asked them to tell the other boys to leave me alone. The teachers ignored me. I had to put up with the taunting for four hours and had no escape.

    Another occasion was when I had an altercation with a boy in my year. It was Monday morning and I had spent the weekend with my then friend. Alone on a Saturday night, we became intimate. On return to school on Monday morning I was greeted with hostility from him. I was called a “f**king poof” and he kicked me. My response was to punch him, so that is what I did. I’m not proud of how I responded, but I couldn’t take the bullying any more.

    The teacher had been out of the class when the incident occurred but soon found out about it. I was summoned to the Head of Year’s office to be reprimanded. I explained what had happened (not the intimacy leading up to what happened, but the fact I was called a homophobic name and kicked first). The Head of Year told me that he did not want to hear about that and then suspended me for being violent. I appealed to him but it fell on deaf ears. I was ordered to leave school immediately.

    At that point I was devastated. I had already begun harming myself because I could not take the homophobic bullying and that situation tipped me over the edge. From my perspective the teachers were letting it happen. They knew exactly what was being said and done, yet did nothing to stop it. It was the same for other gay kids at my school. They were also taunted and bullied in front of teachers, but got away with it.

    I’ve opened up about my experiences because I want to show what damage Section 28 style regulations can do to gay youth. They have the potential to cause lasting psychological problems and that it why I am so outraged. But not only am I outraged; I am also fearful. I worry about today’s gay youth having to go through the same experiences that I and other gay people went through during the period of Section 28. It wasn’t just about sex education; it shaped the whole culture of the school. History cannot be allowed to repeat itself.

    I currently run an LGBTQ youth support charity. One of the things I am trying to do is engage in dialogue with local schools to find out exactly what they do to challenge homophobia and work with them on improving that. Most schools now have anti-bullying policies that include challenging homophobia, but the cynic in me sees those policies as being a facade rather than something that is actually implemented. Engaging with local schools has proven to be incredibly difficult, with most not responding to my letters or returning my telephone calls. However, the one school that did get back to me was the school that I went to.

    I had been particularly strong in my letter to them, detailing my experiences and wanting to know what they were doing now to challenge homophobia. It appeared to do the trick and I was invited into the school to speak to the Head Teacher.

    I took along one of my volunteers who also went to the same school. That person is a trans male coming towards the end of the transition process. Together we spoke about our experiences and outlined what we feel the school must do to prevent today’s youth going through the same experience. The school welcomed the suggestions and have promised to work with me on some anti-homophobia/transphobia initiatives. Whether it happens is another thing, but it has been a positive step. The school seem to genuinely want to improve the way they deal with homophobia and now have a ‘respect’ day where sexuality and gender identity is discussed just as openly as race, religion and disability.

    In another positive twist, I bumped into one of my former teachers at an awards ceremony last year and received an apology from her for not intervening when I was being bullied. She specifically blamed Section 28 and said that her “hands were tied”. I accepted the apology as I believed it to be sincere. And yes I did cry a little bit.

    It appears clear what needs to be done regarding these Section 28 style policies. There needs to be intervention from the local education authorities and Ofsted to get clarification of exactly what the policies mean. Also as a society we need to be vocal and say that this is not something we will stand for; that we will not allow another generation of gay youth to be persecuted.

    But to end on a positive note, I am aware of one school in Warwickshire that has an openly trans pupil who is now living as a female and is allowed to use the female changing rooms and toilets. That pupil has not been bullied and is one of the most popular and loved people at the school. The teachers have worked with the pupil’s family on helping that person live openly as a female and begin the process of transitioning. So although we only tend to hear the horror stories and negatives, let’s also keep in mind that in general things really are getting better.

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | Why gay men will never be happy with their bodies (or will they?)

    How many of us are never completely happy with our bodies? There’s a clouded grey area between what I wish I looked like and how good I can realistically look. This is probably the same for gay men, straight men, straight women and even lesbians alike. As with all factors of our lives, there’s always the strive for better or more.

    After working in gyms and health clubs for the better part of three years I’ve found that even the hunkiest of personal trainers will have body envy over someone else. You’ll hear, I wish I had that guys chest, calves, abs, lats, etc all the time even when their physiques are pretty spectacular to start with.

    The difference with us gays and our self-image is that we have a constant point of referral to how good we look everytime we lust after a hottie (which if you’re like me is about every 10 minutes). Whenever a scrumptious looking man walks past with his guns out, half of us thinks we wanna hit that and the other half thinks we oughtta hit the gym in order to look like that.

    Another terrible moment of body image fear is when you get to disrobe with another hottie and staring back at you is a fun house mirror image of what you really hoped you’d look like by now. And even if the guy standing naked in front of you looks like Alcide the werewolf from True Blood; all you’re thinking about is how on your best day you’re more like Sam Merlott. If you’re not a True Blood fan then Google those characters and you’ll see what I mean; I recommend adding the word ‘naked’ or ‘topless’ afterwards in order to get a true representation of what I’m talking about.

    There has been plenty of anecdotal evidence to suggest that gay men also struggle with a significant degree of self-hatred. Whether your childhood and coming out was dramatic or a breeze there would have been a point when you hated the strange feelings you were starting to recognise as being gay. This means that by definition gay men are less likely to be happy with ourselves and so will influence ever aspect of our lives from who we date, who we spend time with and the work that we do. In other words sleeping with uggos in order to get validation (tell me you haven’t done it), working out every day of the week and denying yourself carbs in an effort to look perfect. Self-hatred on any scale makes us more susceptible to having an external-identity; meaning that we place more emphasis on how others see us rather than how we see ourselves.

    Research has show that, not surprisingly, gay men and straight women have the most negative body images and that straight men and lesbians are the most comfortable with their bodies. However, unlike straight women who have a good chance of finding someone who loves them even though they don’t look like a movie star (because straight men are less focused on body image), gay men will often have a difficult time finding someone who isn’t overly-focused on body image and therefore help them overcome body dysmorphic beliefs. How many times have you dismissed someone for being a little chubby or you’ve been dismissed because you’re not a grade-A gym hottie? It’s par for the course in the gay dating world for hotties to only date equally hot men; thus making the stereotype even harder to break.

    When I started travelling I wasn’t able to be in a regular gym routine and didn’t eat healthy, ok fine I probably didn’t need to have chocolate biscuits for breakfast but I figured in for a penny in for a pound… and man did the pounds pile on. I managed to gain a stone in a month and had no one to blame but… everyone else in the world! Man boobs aside the 6 months I spent in Dubai did give me the chance to focus on something other than how much I weighed. There was nothing I could do about it, with no money for a gym membership, no room to properly exercise, not even the possibility to go out for a walk in the 45 degree heat, I just had to learn to love my fat. It was incredibly frustrating but at the same time it was very freeing. How long have you been harbouring weight loss/gain goals? How many years have you spent deeming your life not a complete success because you didn’t have a six-pack? How many years will it be until you finally realise that a six-pack won’t bring you happiness, it will only bring you hunger?

    Personally I found great comfort in Hugh Jackman … not in that way… although I wouldn’t say no. Hugh was one of the first body transformations that I’d read about for men training for a role. And while the man looks fantastic (go on, Google him, say it’s research and enjoy) his training regime and diet is insane. It highlights that what Hollywoods shows us is most definitely art, not real life. While it is possible to train hard and look like Wolverine it involves waking up at 4:30am to eat salmon so that you have enough protein in your diet, training for several hours everyday, eating 6,000 calories as day of miserable food and getting paid to do it rather than paying to do it. It’s his job; he wouldn’t do it if he didn’t have to and couldn’t get the results without someone to do it for him.

    So give yourself a break and learn to love your fat.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | Wrestling With Sexuality

    Professional wrestler Darren Young has come out, instead of a carefully worded and sensitive confessional style interview, he did this during an on the spot chat with TMZ while collecting his luggage.

    When asked if an openly gay wrestler could be successful in the WWE, he replied: “Absolutely, absolutely! Look at me. I’m a WWE Superstar, and to be honest with you I’m gay. And I’m happy, very happy.”

    He remarked that he was unconcerned with how it would be perceived and it shouldn’t change a thing.

    By choosing to come out he has become the first openly gay wrestler in the WWE.

    Darren Young is currently one half of the tag team, the Prime Time Players with Titus O’Neil. The team’s intro track and music refers them as committed and serious athletes in pursuit of wealth and status. On Young’s Twitter account it states his life “revolves around three things — Money, Women and Wrestling.”

    It’s not unusual for a gay man to portray an overtly heterosexual man, look at Neil Patrick Harris in “How I Met Your Mother” or Jeremy Sheffield in “Hollyoaks”.

    How this will play into the WWE storylines remains to be seen.

    The WWE has issued an official statement saying that they are proud of Darren Young for being so open about his sexuality and pledged to support him as a WWE superstar. Fellow wrestler John Cena has also publically backed him. Triple H and Stephanie McMahon have also tweeted messages of support.

    It would not be the first time a wrestler has come out, Chris Kanyon had previously been active within the WWE but was released from his contract due to a string of injuries and relapses. During a promotional activity, he began telling people that he was fired from the WWE for being gay. He later admitted he had only completed the interviews as a publicity stunt. In his autobiography, he later admitted that he was gay. Sadly Kanyon also suffered from bi-polar disorder and later committed suicide, using anti-depressants in 2010.

    Looking over the entire industry and WWE’s brand of sport entertainment, it feels like a bold move. The focus of wrestling is combat based testosterone feuds. How a gay man plays into this as an equal remains to be seen. However with an increasingly viable presence of LGBT characters in films, television and comic books it feels important.

    Looking at it from a professional athletics perspective, role models are necessary to make the move towards equality. Gareth Thomas, Robbie Rogers and John Amaechi all came out after they had retired.

    Darren Young is a true inspiration; he is involved with anti-bullying initiatives and promoting diversity. He is a man at the prime of his career refusing to hide who he is and carrying on doing what he loves in life.

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | Big Boy, Flash That Flesh

    I am currently living next to a building site. A pub has been demolished and in its place will be some affordable family homes. How wonderful.

    Part of me mourns the loss of the pub, but another part of me welcomes the gaggle of hot builders that have begun to frequent the site. As the weather has been rather nice recently, the hot builders have been working topless. Obviously, I approve of such behaviour. Then on a hot, sunny afternoon one of the builders made a huge error. He took his top off and revealed his flabby physique to the world!

     

    As I casually stood in my kitchen with a friend looking out of the window at the talent on display, my friend became disgusted when the larger guy took his top off. I also noticed the other builders winding him up about having his man boobs on display. Personally, I applauded him.

    I have found that in general we are fine with people showing a bit of skin during summer unless they are overweight. I have heard some quite nasty comments about larger people who have dared to wear shorts or take their top off. My opinion is quite the opposite. Why should people have to hide their bodies because they don’t adhere to maintaining an aesthetically pleasing physique?

    The answer is that they shouldn’t.

    Whilst I am all for people having a type that they find attractive, I don’t believe that anybody has the right to criticise or judge someone for being overweight and taking off some items of clothing.

    But then it’s not just about being overweight either. What if somebody who is quite hirsute too decides to take their top off? I’ve witnessed people pretend to vomit when a big hairy guy has taken their top off. Does it really matter? If someone has the confidence to take their top off in public, I say more power to them. I haven’t got that confidence. But then that stems from the kinds of reactions I have just covered.

    Recently I went to Ibiza and for the first time in my life I took off my top and got into the hotel pool. Nobody cared that a big hairy guy had jumped into the water. They just carried on about their business. Perhaps they were just used to tourists like me getting it all out.

    Back in Blighty I have started to go swimming at a local health club. This is after not going swimming in a public pool for ten years due to negative reactions and criticism of my body. It has been a big step for me to take and I was apprehensive about getting undressed in the changing rooms and walking around in just my swimming shorts. With a bit of support and encouragement from my partner I have managed it.

    I am beginning to gain some of the confidence that has become lost over the years. I shouldn’t have to hide away because my body does not appeal to some people. If I was to go topless it would be for me rather than other people, and that is the way to look at it.

    So, big guys, hairy guys and big hairy guys, be proud of what you have. Flash the flesh if you want to and truffle shuffle in the face of anyone who doesn’t like it. You have the power.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.