Category: Review

  • 60 SECOND FILM REVIEW | Independence Day : Resurgence

    60 SECOND FILM REVIEW | Independence Day : Resurgence

    INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE – The aliens are back to try and take over the world and destroy some more well-known landmarks 20 years after the first campy sci-fi classic. The effects have moved on greatly but has the story gone with it?

    (C) CREDIT: Fox

    Nutshell – Same format almost exactly but everything is a lot bigger and noisier this time. A random bunch of unconnected characters all have their moments just like last time and are all needed in some way to defeat a much bigger threat from outer space. This time the aliens mean business with only one ship but here it lands in the Atlantic ‘Which bit ? a character asks ‘the whole of it as this warship is 3,000 miles across’ is the reply and their plans are even more full on this time, but us humans have some new extraterrestrial help too.

    Time – 121 mins; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘We had twenty years to prepare….so did they’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – The younger Hemsworth brother the hunky Liam for a full two hours in military uniform is the main attraction here. His brother Chris (Thor) has been at the very top of our wank bank for years but his younger sibling has the same Aussie man’s man muscle look!

    Cast – Liam ‘megabulge’ Hemsworth, Jeff Goldblum, Vivian A Fox, Judd Hirst, Bill Pullman basically everyone is back except Will Smith who obviously knew something the others didn’t (and wanted far too much cash – see below).

    Key Player – Jeff Goldblum is pure class, he eats up the screen and brings his much loved puzzled scientist from, The Fly and Jurassic Park films front and centre here as he slowly works out at the same pace as we do what the big bad’s are really up too.

    Budget – $165 Million a full $100m more than the first film now that’s inflation for you and it doesn’t make it a better film one bit. It will make profit as all brands tend to do but it won’t make enough to kickstart a third film which is somewhat trailed here (and was the original plan).

    Best Bit – 0.31 mins; A very tense rooftop hospital rescue which is genuinely nail biting and you won’t guess how the scene ends as it has the movies best twist.

    Worst Bit – 0.33 mins; As London gets demolished instead of Washington DC and New York last time we hit special effect overload as the good guys attempt their escape. Its effects look poor because they are, the scenario does not work at all and it is ludicrously unbelievable, unthrilling and you won’t care about the outcome which is pretty obvious anyway.

    Little Secret – The original film ID1 was the second highest grossing film of all time when it was released behind Jeff Goldblum’s other hit Jurassic Park. Will Smith was due to reprised his role here but Fox Studio turned down his record-breaking fee of $50 Million.

    Further Viewing – ID 1, War Of The Worlds, Mars Attacks, Alien 2, Predator, The Day The Earth Stood Still & V The classic TV series.

    Any Good – ID 2 is fine, no more no less. It is not a classic like the first one and it hugely misses the presence of Will Smith and his ‘Welcome to earth’ one liners. The fault is with the same director Roland Emmerich who this time is simply just phoning it in, this needs a much better story and more threat. We cannot remember a film when less would have been so much more than we have here – the first film was truly superb and had so many great ideas crammed in this one doesn’t and isn’t.

    Rating – 74/100 (74th out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being best and 100 being a damp squib).

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  • THEATRE REVIEW | Get Em Off, Above The Stag

    ★★★ | Get Em Off

    Well, it’s not exactly The Full Monty – it’s called ‘Get ‘Em Off!’ Set in the suburbian enclave of Croydon, ‘Get ‘Em Off’ takes place in the only gay bar around for miles – The Golden Canary – and it’s a dive.

    Run by proprietor/proprietress Quinny, a/k/a Baz (Dereck Walker), it’s a bar that needs some spicing up. So it’s his employee Mitch (Joe Goldie) who comes up with the idea of turning Monday night into a gay strip competition to bring in more customers. And so that’s what they do. And they encourage their customers to enter in the hopes of winning the cash prize. Milosh (Michael Nelson), from Kosovo, is one of the first ones to enter, he’s definitely not shy about showing his body. Then there’s Ricky (Ashley Daniels), who is a regular customer to the bar when his boring partner (David Michael Hands) is out of town on business and who actually forbids Ricky from going to the gay bar as he doesn’t think they should lead ’that kind of lifestyle.’ But there’s a spark between Milosh and Ricky that’s palpable.

    Meanwhile back at the bar, Baz, all dolled up in sequins and a head wrap, hosts the competition. Mitch urges his all so sexy and very hot straight friend Luke (Tom Bowen) to enter, hey Luke’s wife is about to give birth to their first child so he says why not? And it’s poor Brian (Stuart Harris), Mitch’s school teacher, newly single after six years, trying to find his way back into the gay scene, and finds himself at The Golden Canary. With the strip competition such a success, Quinny decides to enter her men in a national strip competition. So ‘Get Em Off’ follows The Full Monty’s plot where the men practice and practice for the competition where we all know what’s going to happen.

    ‘Get Em Off’ should’ve been called ‘The Gay Full Monty.’ It’s a camp musical comedy with very funny lines but not very funny nor memorablesongs (one is titled ‘Get Your Dick Out).

    The book, by Jon Bradfield and Martin Hooper, gives Quinny some of the best lines in the show, though Milosh and Mitch have some as well. Walker steals the show even when his/her men get naked – he’s hilarious! Hands also deserves a mention as he plays various roles and is unrecognizable in each one of them. ‘Get Em Off’ is not the best show the Above the Stag has produced, but it’s perhaps perfect for the summer season when all gay boys want to do is see to watch light-hearted fare with cute guys and lots of nudity. This is the show for them.

    Get Em Off run at Above The Stag until 28/08/16

  • THEATRE REVIEW | Dancing with the Devil

    ★★★ | Dancing with the Devil

    Josh Brandao and Nicolai Kornum
    Josh Brandao and Nicolai Kornum

    Rudolph Nureyev was one of the greatest ballet dancers of the 20th century. His colourful life and volatile personality make him a fascinating study and a perfect subject for drama. Aletta Lawson has taken an inspired premise of looking at Nureyev’s life in retrospect via his dying delusions. Starting in his Parisian flat in the early 1990s we see Nureyev in his early 50s, weak and frail, in denial about his imminent death from an AIDS. related illness. He opens and closes a jewellery box, conjuring up hallucinations of his most famous dance partner Margot Fonteyn (who sits on a lit podium like a ballerina on a spring in a child’s music box). His memories drift back to his early life, through to his present illness.

    The program contains a writer’s note stating that the play isn’t intended to be a biography. Bizarrely, the play then runs as a biography with a whistle stop and often superficial imagining of key events in Nureyev’s life. We briefly glimpse a troubled childhood, the discovery of his talent, his defection to the West, his love affair with Eric Bruhn and some of the more show-business aspects of his stardom. It’s a lot to fit into ninety minutes and the play suffers for this, often failing to have impact or to convincingly engage with emotional events.

    Benny Maslov is spookily reminiscent of Nureyev and he works well within the confines of an often-clumsy and occasionally mawkish script. The moments where he dances are illuminating and captivating although sadly sparse. He captures a multi-faceted character perfectly, veering from petulant arrogance, passionate perfectionism through to glimpses of vulnerability and fragility.

    There are some good scenes such as the one where Rudolph and Eric first meet or the occasional interactions with Nureyev and Fonteyn. Sadly, these are few and far between and the play feels bogged down by its awkward dialogue and occasionally clumsy presentation. Some of the accents feel like they belong in terrible 1980s sit-com ‘Allo ‘Allo and the acting is variable with some uncomfortable moments that are painfully pantomime where the comedy falls entirely flat.

    This is worth seeing for Maslov’s performance alone but that aside this is a 5 star performance from an accomplished actor and dancer in a 2 star play.

    Dancing with the Devil plays at Sadlers Well until 29th of June 2016

  • CAR REVIEW | Citroen DS3 Cabrio

    ★★★ | Citroen DS3 Cabrio

    The DS range of Citroens are the more Avantgarde models and a welcome return from a manufacturer rich in a history of innovation and design. It’s also a car maker that gave us the 2CV, widely futuristic dashboards and the subliminal grand tourer with the SM. So they know a few things about cars.

    Though largely forgotten, Citroen have at one point or another offered the motorist open top fun. The 2CV and Dyane were cheap open top motoring. The short-lived 4 door Visa decapotable with its unique pram type hood. And the Plurial that was a bit of a hash job with its removable sides that had nowhere to go so you never took them off. The DS 3 is the smallest offering in this DS range and the Cabrio adds some open top fun to an already accomplished car but does it make it any better?

    The answer to that is no. It actually makes the DS 3 worse. What you need to realise is that with any open top car there is always a pay off that must be accepted for the fun a missing roof will give you.

    In this case it’s the boot. The opening is hopeless. I for one did not expect it to lift upwards. In doing so it covers up an already small hole. The boot area itself is quite large, deep and cavernous. It’s just that you can’t actually get to it. Should the boot lid drop downward then it would solve at least half these problems.

    And there lays the problem with the DS3 cabrio over its hatchback sibling. For an extra £2000 you get a boot that you can’t use. What you do get though is an electric roof that pretty much works on a one-touch system that when open causes no buffeting. Fully open (rear window gone, followed by rearward vision also) you get a gentle breeze over your shoulders and long hair gently tussled. Yes, the rearward vision is blighted when the top is completely retracted. At first I thought this would be a problem. However with a little tug and wiggle of the finger the door mirrors can be angled to pretty much rectify this and the model I had here came equipped with a reversing camera.

    All in all then it’s pretty much shaping up to be what every car with a removable top is like except this cabrio retains the sides. In essence that means it isn’t a full convertible. It also means there is no scuttle shake felt through the steering wheel thus adding to the already solid feel of the Citroen. Another thing those side do is add a little security. You can feel incredibly exposed in a full cabriolet.

    The insides of the DS 3 are above par for this kind of car. It’s all well put together. The materials chosen are tactile and the dashboard has a feel that makes you want to squeeze it. However in this model it comes with a gaudy strip across the dashboard in what looks like really cheap carbon fibre you’d find someone sticking on their 1991 Vauxhall Corsa. Check out Citroen’s option packs and spec sheets. This can be rectified. It absolutely ruins an otherwise nice interior. Thankfully this is a £150 cost option so you don’t need to have it.

    Everything works as it should on the move. The clutch is light and the gear change direct. Strangely more so than in the 208GTi Sport I tested a month or so ago. In total it felt more fluid. What wasn’t quite so fluid in its execution was the ride. Where I had praised the Citroen C3 hatchback for being fantastic in its ride and handling, the DS 3 can’t match it. It rides a little to harsh for me. It also makes the handling a little skittish when pushed hard.

    The engine on the other hand is from the PSA award winning range of power packs. So smooth in its operation that you could be confused into thinking this is more than a 4 cylinder. It’s easy to live with and the 1598cc engine delivers its 165bhp with little effort. Sometimes you feel that 165 horses just isn’t enough. You feel the DS3 needs more urge. It’s only when you look at your speed do you then realise that you need to back off a little.

    With the roof folded back it is quite cosy. The heater and its many vents positioned to keep you warm even on the cold days. You can select to have the roof back as far as you’d like. Quite pointless if I am honest. You’ll probably find that you will have it as far as it will go on most days. With the roof up it cosseted you with the exact same feeling you would have with a hatchback. I’ll come clean though and say that apart from at night when I parked it up, l had the roof open as much as I could. You don’t buy a car like this to keep the roof up yet we Brits seem to do just that.

    The week was over, the DS3 had to go back. From the Citroens I had in my motoring career (and there have been a fair few) Citroen isn’t what it use to be.

    Twangy doors and creaky trim are a distant memory. Build quality is up there. Some of it felt better than the Germans. I liked the DS3. I could live with the challenges it possesses but it would have to be as a second car. It’s too flawed in its everyday areas to warrant me to trade in my old nail.

    Likes

    Engine
    Roof operation
    Little buffeting with the roof open

    Loathes

    Boot opening
    Carbon fibre dashboard trim
    Infotainment system difficult to see with the roof open

    The Lowdown
    Car – Citroen DS3 Cabrio THP 165
    Price – £23,340 (as tested)
    MPG – 50.4mpg (combined)
    Power – 165 bhp 6000 rpm
    0-62mph – 7.6 seconds
    Top Speed – 135 mph
    Co2 – 129 (g/km)

  • BAR REVIEW | Myki Sand Bar Sails into Soho

    ★★ | Myki Sand Bar

    Archer Street Bar Soho, oddly enough on Archer Street, when mentioned might send an immediate dentist-implement-touching-nerve to your heart. This used to be the bricks and mortar that housed a guaranteed-tug-in-the-toilets bar and felt like throwing-shapes-on-three-week-old-pina-colada dance floor, once known as Barcode Soho. The good old days: still missed by many, we are sure.

    What London needed, and of course what this great country needed, was another heterosexual establishment. Archer Street Bar draws a clientele that travels to Ascot by coach, buys their fascinators from Debenhams and still thinks holidaying in Ibiza is cool.

    Myki Sand Bar is located on the lower ground floor where the sticky dance floor once resided, and is billed as ‘London’s first beach club bar’ – a pop-up until late 2016. White and blue sails hang from the ceiling, white painted wooden boards, blue cushions, sandbox seating areas and some scattered beach balls – an impersonation of Neptune’s from ITV’s Benidorm.

    It would have been quicker to fly to Mykonos and sample an authentic Greek cocktail – the beach boys behind the bar were as quick as a deflating lilo.

    Parched, but eager to sample, we started with a Myki’s signature cocktail, Heatwave: Ciroc vodka, peach liqueur, chilli bitters and orgeat served martini-style at £12.50. Peachy with a sand-in-ya-eye chilli twist – worth its weight in budgie-smugglers.

    Corporate functions and those who think they are worthy of a ‘VIP booth’ (Myki’s has a few) will like the setup.

    Our next tipple, Boys of the Summer: Ciroc pineapple, blood peach puree, lime juice, vanilla topped with Billecart Salmon champagne. It was like drinking breakfast juice – maybe they thought one cocktail was enough for us gays and didn’t add the alcohol. At £14.50 a pop we could have better spent on two bottles of Factor 15 Piz Buin – what a waste.

    If you want sand this summer head to Kent’s Botany Bay or hop on a plane.  If you want over-priced but decent cocktails, head to Ham Yard Hotel or The Blind Pig at The Social Eating House – both in Soho. And if you want to wear a Hawaiian shirt – best not to leave the house.

    Myki Sand Bar Opening Hours: Thurs–Sat: 4pm–1am

    Private Hire: Monday – Saturday

    Capacity: 220

    Archer Street |3-4 Archer Street Soho London W1D 7AP T – 020 7734 3342 www.archerstreet.co.uk
    bookings@archerstreet.co.uk

  • THEATRE REVIEW | Barbu

    ★★★★ | Barbu

    What can be better on a rainy summer night in London than sitting in an atmospheric, mirror lined, wooden tent (once graced by Marlene Dietrich) and watching a troupe of hairy male acrobats strip down to their skimpy pants? Not much if you ask me. I quite like a hairy man in black pants. Cirque Alfonse have returned to London Wonderground after their hit show “Timber!” with another testosterone-fuelled show of daring circus skills. “Barbu” is absurd, silly and above all entertaining.

    Accompanied by a live band, who set the tone with a throbbing and dirty soundtrack, they roller skate, backflip and form human pyramids. The awkward yet thrilling dancing is a site to behold and there’s more perineum and hairy thigh flashed onstage than in a night in a backroom in Playa Del Ingles. Naturally they’re not just pieces of gristly, fleshy meat with beards (but oh what flesh). They’re also consummate performers who are self-mocking and raucously funny at times. Whilst not the most thrilling of circus shows around, there are moments that set the audience’s pulses racing. It’s also an incredibly raunchy show, provided dirty and sweaty gets you off. There’s a moment of pure beauty when they set a whole new standard of pole dancing with an ensemble horizontal twirl. It’s a wry and witty piece that’s good (if not clean) fun.

    The show starts a little too slowly and although there’s nothing limp about these men there’s the occasional flaccid moment in the first half hour or so. Prepare to be wowed when it warms up though. There’s real skill here and whilst the movements are less balletic than gruff bearish male strutting and lumbering this just adds to their charm. The physical performances are definitely spectacular too.

    The Southbank’s Wonderground is a stylish funfair themed go to venue for early evening drinks and there’s a frenetic feel to this show that mixes well with alcohol and groups of friends. It’s not hard to see why this show was such a hit in Edinburgh last year.

     

    Reviewed by Chris Bridges, follow on Twitter

  • THEATRE REVIEW | Tristan and Isolde, English National Opera

    ★★★★★| Tristan and Isolde

    Ever had your genitals unbearably pleasured in an opera house, and felt on the endless brink of a shattering orgasm? That’s the metaphorical rapture provoked by Wagner’s deliriously gorgeous Tristan and Isolde, the most awe-inspiring evocation of delayed gratification ever written.

    So, just how long does this particular, Wagnerian masterpiece take to climax? Oh, a mere five and a quarter hours, perhaps – in an averagely paced production – but doesn’t appreciating superhuman rapture also require superhuman, receptive discipline? Put bluntly, that means developing transcendent, buttock-muscle control, as passively sitting for so long – except for deliberate, committed masochists –is pure, exquisite torture.

    Still, grand opera certainly sorts out the dilettantes from the diligent, and it’s a defiant, demanding, take-no-prisoners corrective to the infantile immediacy of pop-culture. Shouldn’t we all be pig-sick, by now, of Big Brother, Twitter and non-stop media idiocy violating every possible moment 24/7? Sigmund Freud – still a very shrewd, cultural analyst if viewed with a necessary degree of retrospective scepticism – saw instantly gratifying every desire as profoundly immature.

    I won’t disagree. Culturally – gay, straight and undecided – we’ve regressed to squalling toddlers, instantly swiping-left, Grindr-style, on anything requiring even a fractional attention span. But naturally, you get what you give, so every dumb sap addicted to social media inhabits, unsurprisingly, a constant, solipsistic void of existential emptiness.

    Is there any known cure? Of course, darlings – simply embrace substantial culture. Why waste an instant, mental w*nk on tabloid trash-icons, when – much more thrillingly – you can step beyond kindergarten consciousness and relish the compound pleasures of deferred, adult anticipation?

    It’s a deeply ravishing state of mind superbly portrayed by Oscar Wilde’s stellar comrade-in-adversity, Aubrey Beardsley. Perfectly mirroring the heady, suffocating thrills of his closet transvestism and suppressed, incestuous lust for his sister, Beardsley’s The Wagnerites is brooding, unsettling and utterly overwhelming. Just like Tristan and Isolde itself, of course, conspicuously name-checked in the lower, right-hand edge of Beardsley’s drawing.

    But if Beardsley’s brilliantly acknowledging Wagner’s deep, disturbing power, he’s also viciously satirising the corrupt, unaesthetic, socialite scumbags attending opera purely for vapid prestige. Shockingly, it’s often still the case – opera-houses worldwide are swamped with corporate seats crammed with snoring, unappreciative oafs who leave at the first possible moment.

    That – surprisingly – is hardly the case here, and ENO’s first production of Tristan and Isolde in twenty years is packed to the thrillingly expectant rafters. Why shouldn’t it be? Do love, desire and death – the three, rock-solid fascinations of human nature – ever become passé? Yes, from Michael Jackson’s autopsy reports to the appallingly improbable marriage of Jerry Hall and Rupert Murdoch, we’re more riveted by grand excess than hillbillies – quite ecstatically – eating fresh roadkill.

    And grand excess, of course, always remains cutting-edge – just look at Lady Gaga, the patron saint of calculated, designer-team extremity. Mercifully, Tristan and Isolde’s collaborative brilliance is far less cynically on-trend, and is, quite genuinely, astonishing. It’s not surprising; internationally acclaimed artist Anish Kapoor’s set designs fuse Wagner’s timeless raptures to the startling, audacious modernity of 21st Century London.

    Thrillingly, Kapoor makes no concessions whatsoever to cosy, theatrical banality, so his work’s more shockingly joyful than an electrified dildo. Act one, fearlessly, splits the immense, Coliseum stage in tripartite sections with the aggressive beauty of high, sloping metal walls that tightly compartmentalize Wagner’s drama. It’s a sublime, pressure-cooker staging that unbelievably, ramps up Wagner’s protracted, sexual tension still further, and provokes mass, erotic exhaustion by just the first interval.

    Phew – who needs iPhone porn? Frankly, the most ferociously sexual function we have is the imagination, which is where every form of conceivable arousal begins, and here, it works overtime! But – in a world inescapably acquainted with the anatomical intimacies of every Kardashian and Caitlyn Jenner – it’s easy to forget Wagner’s somewhat off the cultural radar. So, cue a handy Instagram, flash-memory synopsis for queens unacquainted with ancient, Arthurian legends.

    Irish princess Isolde is being escorted by gallant knight Tristan to forcibly marry Cornish King Mark. She’s previously healed a shipwrecked Tristan despite his killing Morold, her intended fiancé, in combat, and then fallen irretrievably in love with Tristan.

    But, he’s stubbornly determined to fulfil his duty and deliver Isolde to Mark despite his mutual love for her. Distraught, she pressures him to drink poison in a suicide-pact, but her servant, Brangane, exchanges it for an irresistible love-potion. Instantly stripped to pure, raging love more frantically real than any social niceties or pretence, they adore each other to death – and beyond.

    Overwhelmed? You should be – in lesser, soap-opera producer’s hands, the story’s pure, prime-time Viagra, enough for decades of brain-dead, Hollyoaks sleaze. But Wagner – more fanatically committed to his art than any suicide-bomber – gave Tristan and Isolde a towering, life-changing intensity that demands, but ravishingly rewards, total intoxication from an audience.

    Still, it’s no easy ride for the singers, either, a punishing, five-hour, emotional assault course that stretches even phenomenal talents to the limit. But, we’re in superbly capable hands – soprano Heidi Melton’s Isolde breezily marries ferocious passion to a radiant, diva mystique Celine Dion would kill for. And tenor Stuart Skelton’s shockingly devoted Tristan provides a bedrock, vocal grounding, seamlessly unifying the often chaotic costuming choices – Samurai armour and bouffant wigs? – displayed.

    Just as compellingly, there’s bass-baritone Craig Colclough’s sonorously persuasive Kurwenal, Tristan’s staunch servant, and mezzo-soprano’s Karen Cargill’s mellifluous Brangane, Isolde’s lady-in-waiting. It’s all beautifully sustained by conductor Edward Gardner’s subtle grasps of emphasis, but tonight, this is Wagner on crack, with Kapoor’s astounding, never-static set-designs.

    Inside a huge, split amethyst hemisphere that also suggests an immense, suspended womb, Wagner’s lovers sing themselves to fatal, devouring ecstasy. By act three, negative lighting makes the sphere a black, hovering void on a white backdrop, streaming startling torrents of moving blood. Stunningly, it’s realising Wagner’s most cherished ideal – the gesamtkunstwerk, a spectacle simultaneously combining art, music and design- which, as a frenzied, mystical hedonist, he’d simply adore.

    So let’s pity poor, often cash-strapped Wagner – he barely came close to staging adequate versions of his soaring visions in his lifetime.

    Thankfully, a brief patronage from beyond-eccentric King Ludwig of Bavaria did allow one luxury – Wagner indulged his transvestite need to compose wrapped in yards of sheer, saffron silk, but it was too little, too late. Still, why complain? Sure, Wagner’s long gone, but his legacy’s the most shattering, exhausting, but most delirious love music ever made, and – like sexual diversity itself – permanently enhances human happiness. There’s really no better epitaph than that.

    Tristan and Isolde plays at the London Coliseum, St. Martin’s Lane to 9th July.

    Follow Sasha de Suinn on Twitter

  • FILM REVIEW | Teenage Mutant Nija Turtles: Out Of The Shadows

    FILM REVIEW | Teenage Mutant Nija Turtles: Out Of The Shadows

    TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: OUT OF THE SHADOWS – The sequel to the hit family rebooted franchise now in its 30th year about the four amphibians up against Shredder once again and another old favourite bad guy. This is the seventh full length turtle film to date.

    CREDIT: Paramount/YouTube

    Nutshell – The Turtles are still hiding in the sewer from public view acting as vigilantes with their two human and one rat accomplaces. Their nemesis Shredder breaks free of custody, makes it to Dimension X where he meets Krang the ultimate Turtle enemy. He has a device to conquer earth but just needs two more parts and the amphibians out of the way. A breakneck adventure takes them all to the Amazon and back and along the way the Turtle Power team disintegrates and find a way to become human and leave their amphibian lives behind forever.

    Time – 113 mins; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘Raise Some Shell….Only One Team Can Save Us All’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – It’s a family film but the new love interest for April O’Neil is megahunk Stephen Amell playing the ongoing character of Casey Jones. You may know him as Green Arrow from the hit superhero TV series and he is 10 out of 10 in anyones books with an ass built to be rimmed. Hopefully the shirt comes off in the next film.

    Cast – The worlds hottest babe Megan Fox, Will Arnett, Laura Linney, Will Amell and a heavily made-up and barely recognisable Tyler Perry.

    Key Player – The special effects team as you really forget that the four leads are not real and it makes the film truly entertaining. Even more important is the special effects crew producing two of the top five stunt sequences of the year.

    Budget – $135 Million and in this special effects delight it is all up on the screen. Already profited with $150 million and in the top 10 most successful movies of the year and climbing so bring on the next one.

    Best Bit – 0.14 mins; A great action sequence where ‘The Foot’ on souped up motorbikes set about kicking some cop ass to free Shredder from his prison convoy. The Turtles enter the fray and all hell breaks loose. Simply the best stunt scene of the year so far.

    Worst Bit – 0.18 mins; Our first visit off planet to Dimension X which is fine but the problem is Krang himself. As the ultimate bad guy here in a huge robot suit he just looks like Davros with a headcold and easily defeatable. Shredder alone as seen last time around is the perfect foe and there was no need to steroid up the bad team.

    Little Secret – The fan base goes wide – Director Dave Green has been a huge TMNT fan from childhood; he used to dress up as Donatello.
    Kevin Eastman the creator of “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” universe all those years ago, appears as a pizza delivery guy.

    Movie Mistake – They get it spot on except for April’s reappearing and disappearing black trousers in the Britney Spears school girl spy tracking scene.

    Further Viewing – Any of the many entries in the Turtle Power cannon, Ghostbusters, Transformers 1-5, Men In Black, Any Marvel or DC superhero film especially the Spidermans.

    Any Good – As with other sequels you will have made up your mind on your interest level when you saw the title alone. If already on board then this is a step up from the last one with some clever ideas and great stunt work, if not then nothing new here to bring you on side.

    Rating – 39/100 (39th out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being best and 100 being a damp squib).

    Order it from Amazon

  • FILM REVIEW | X-Men: Apocalypse

    X-MEN : APOCALYPSE – The Third, Sixth or Ninth helping from the X universe depending on how you are counting them up and this time it’s the end of the world by missile or metal in the earths core we got confused.
    Photo Credit: Alan Markfield.

    Nutshell – A huge cast of characters come together to do battle with Apocalypse a century’s old mutant from ancient Egypt who is backed with his oh so evil four horsemen one of which is regular Mutant bad guy Magneto. Everyone is back but it all turns into a bit of a confused mess to be honest trying to fit far too much in and so many character arcs. Extensive knowledge of the previous films will greatly help as they are referenced throughout but the real problem here is the bad guys who are pretty undeveloped and seem to be massively pissed at the 21st Century for no real reason we could see and boy is it long leading eventually to a pretty weak and throwaway climax.

    Time – 144 mins; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘Prepare For The Apocalypse; Only The Strong Will Survive’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – As with all superhero films you get a load of very fit muscular guys in tight spandex outfits and this film has more than most so all good there. Our faves are Michael Fassbender who is now odds on favourite to be the next James Bond and Nicholas Hoult who always looks so hot and sexually corruptible. Luckily they both have a lot of screen time and they stand out from every scene they are in.

    Cast – James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Jennifer Lawrence, Oscar Isaac, Nicholas Hoult, Rose Byrne and the sexiest new star we have seen for a long while Ben Hardy as Angel plus some famous uncredited cameos.

    Key Player – Michael Fassbender just hogs your attention throughout. In his third appearance as Magneto he could do this in his sleep but luckily this time he has an even bigger character arc to work with. He is now arguably the best actor on the planet and he relishes being a bad guy that you would not want to meet on a lonely dark street or maybe you would ?.

    Budget – A whopping $178 Million which it has just made back largely on the success of the previous titles in the franchise. This will be the least successful X-Men film to date and with no obvious threads as to where to go next so it might get interesting over at Marvel HQ and Wolverine may be getting a phone call.

    Best Bit – 0.10 mins; A great West Berlin sequench of forced cage fighting of mutants against their will that really makes you think you are in for a great movie – you aren’t..

    Worst Bit – 1.50 mins; The last 40 mins is a pretty overpumped uninvolving sequence of action beats that are all lacklustre. Maybe consider leaving early before the Cities of the World are turned to dust killing millions whilst none of the characters really seem that bothered about the death count.

    Little Secret – Although the box office on Apocalypse will be below what was hoped there are already two more X-Men films planned namely X-Force & X-Men: The New Mutants. This is the final part of the ‘First Class’ Trilogy and the future films will concentrate on the new young mutants introduced here.

    Movie Mistake – It all gets a bit questionable when Magneto starts to raise anything metal from the ground but there are so many things which don’t seem affected at all including cars and lorries in the background and then the metallic X-men airplane also seems to be un affected and don’t look to hard at all the English signs in the Auschwitz camp scene either.

    Further Viewing – Any movie with a X in the title or Wolverine, Avengers Assemble, Iron Man, The Fantastic Four, Guardians of the Galaxy and everything starring Fassbender.

    Any Good – It has all the right ingredients but boy does it do very little with the great talent, director and budget. This is without doubt the poorest of the series with too many characters and baddies you won’t register with. See it so as you know what is happening in the ongoing series but tbh this is a disappointment and a missed opportunity.

    Rating – 81/100 (81st out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being best and 100 being a damp squib).

  • CAR REVIEW | Renault Twingo

    ★★★★ | Renault Twingo

    It’s always a problem when you give a name to a car on review. It becomes personal and trying to be subjective about it is wholly difficult. Its flaws covered up with candy floss and its better bits celebrated with raptures of delight.

    If I lived in Toy Town I would drive a Twingo. In fact Noddy would have one too. In its third incarnation Renault have returned to a layout last seen in 1971 with their rear engined rear drive 8 and 10 models. This car shares a platform with Smarts For4. It’s just been dressed in prettier clothing.

    Turn the key and the engine giggles into life. Now I know that makes it sound like I have lost the plot somewhat and to be fair I have with this little Renault. It’s such an easy car to love.

    ‘Giggles’ as he became known arrived to me with bright red paint, go faster stripes and pretty polished alloy wheels. The stripes and wheels themselves were reminiscent to those offered by Renault in the 1970’s boutique range of accessories. This car possessed some nice retro touches. The rear was very pretty. The front however had the face only a mother could love. The problem is with the daytime running lights that look like he’s had his top lip pierced twice! You’ll soon grow to accept this.

    While I had the Twingo with me I had a party so parked him in the back garden. There were some picky queens whose car delights ranged from all things Citroen, Alfa Romeo and Maserati. With alcohol flowing the Twingo was subjected to a clinic style review. It was thumbs up on a lot of things. Your friends would approve but choose wisely. Despite the being able to accommodate well within the space available, the Twingo is a strict 4 seater.

    Inside was a pleasant change from austere black that is so the norm these days. The Twingo had the options list ticked and came with the red and white plastic inserts on the doors and contrasting red stitching on the seats. The white plastic will get grubby. You can’t deny that so getting the bucket out on a Sunday for a wash and wipe won’t become a bore because you’ll love the little Twingo. Despite living in the sticks I have never once washed a car I had to return but I just couldn’t return ‘Giggles’ to Renault covered in dirt.

    It was easy to get into a suitable driving position. The high backed seats took a bit of time to get used too but after a day or two  it all felt quite normal. What wasn’t was the position of the window switches. No matter how short or tall you are they are always about 4 inches too far back. Thankfully the ventilation system is up to the job. The pop out windows in the rear doors working well in promoting greater ventilation with minimal wind noise.

    The driving experience of the Twingo is unique. It’s not how you would imagine it to be. A rear engined rear drive layout it might have but thoughts of a tail happy little car are not what you get. The stability program is always on and will always get you out of trouble even if you provoke it wildly with enthusiastic movements. What you will prefer though is to drive it in its manual mode. The auto box will still change up and down but it will do so at a higher rev and for this increase in enthusiasm you won’t pay dearly at the pumps. Chances are you won’t notice a difference at all.

    Stuart_Bird-060215ren3

    The auto gear box does however have a few niggles. In traffic it can become a bit snappy if you are heavy with the right foot. At parking speeds it just won’t engage without a little throttle. Several times I “that’ll do” parked it instead of risking ploughing into the car in front. Strangely enough though is that it works better in reverse. Thankfully the turning circle is small so backing into a space is easier. I went out to find small spaces just to drive round and round. It had me laughing.

    Now for the science part. The 898cc engine will make your mother happy. She’ll be happy you don’t have one of those big engined fast cars. What you don’t need to tell her is the little turbo attached to it propels the Twingo at quite a rate in forward motion. It will startle you at just how nippy this little car is. As is typical with a rear weight bias layout though is susceptibility to side winds. It can get buffeted about a bit. This was noticeable at those great speeds it could travel at. Kept within 70mph and it wasn’t such a problem.

    Living with the Twingo is easy. There are cubby holes where you wouldn’t expect them to be and that high rear boot floor that hides the engine is perfect height for loading. It also turns out it is also the perfect height as a seat. The insulation over the engine so epic in its padding that it makes for a cushiony soft seat to sit on and ponder life. It’s also good at not allowing heat into the boot so your picnic and your chilled prosecco won’t be ruined.

    One innovative trick Renault have missed out on is the centre consoles removable cubby box. Add a snap-on strap and you get yourself a swishy Twingo bag for your oddments while also having a handy place for it to go when on the move.

    What did annoy me the most was getting to the service items. The bonnet pulls forward to reveal the brake fluid, screen wash, coolant and battery. It’s a bit of a faff and all items are accessed by leaning over the bonnet. Chances are the coolant will never get checked and the screen wash will always be empty. Normal bonnet hinges would correct this and probably allow for some extra storage up front. Like wise to check the oil you need to go through the boot floor. Removing the floor isn’t as easy as it could be and makes it a bit of a chore.

    Since its launch I had always wanted to test a Twingo and l am glad I did. As a run around this car gets my thumbs up. It also gets the sides of my mouth up too. l can’t stop giggling.

    Likes

    Fun to drive
    Cute
    Turning circle

    Loathes

    Auto box jerky
    Poor access to service items
    Window switch posistion

    The Lowdown
    Car – Renault Twingo Dynamique TCe
    Price – £ £13,900 (as tested)
    MPG – 58.9mpg (combined)
    Power – 90 bhp 6000 rpm
    Top Speed – 104 mph
    Co2 – 108 (g/km)

  • Theatre Review | The Rocky Horror Show

    ★★★★ | The Rocky Horror Show takes the audience on a strange journey, as Brad and Janet, two ordinary high school kids, have a little car trouble and end up at the castle of Frank-N-Furter; a cross dressing scientist cum force of nature, on the evening that he is to bring his Frankenstein-esque playmate, complete with “dark hair and a tan” to life. Featuring the songs The Time Warp, Sweet Transvestite, Science Fiction/Double Feature, I’m Going Home and Dammit, Janet;  will things ever be the same for our two high school sweethearts?

    Photo Credit – Sean Webb

    The role of Frank-N-Furter is so iconic, that you need a larger than life personality to fill the fishnets, and Liam Tamne does a great job blending Frank’s camptastic alluring persona whilst maintaining an underlying gruffness in his vocal performance of the songs, whilst Richard Meek excelled as Brad, particularly in his rendition of Once In A While. Dominic Andersen was the personification of perfection as he filled out the gold hot pants of Rocky, and Norman Pace (of Hale and Pace fame) traded quips with the audience as the Narrator. Sadly, Kristian Lavercombe was a slightly too shouty Riff Raff and Paul Cattermole (S Club 7) was nothing more than functional as Eddie/Dr Scott.

    Rocky Horror is presented here in all its gloriously loud, brash, colourful, neon Day-Glo garishness, with a set which looks luxurious and holds an almost cartoon-like feel to it; all accompanied by an excellent lighting design by Nick Richings which flooded the stage in reds, greens and purples, and some steady direction by Christopher Luscombe. But within that polished veneer, it loses some of the darker undertones of the piece, leaving it with a slight hint of almost being a caricature of itself. The slight stumbling block of this production is that, ironically, it is done so well.

    But that said, the show is a phenomenon, and the atmosphere at any Rocky Horror performance is one which has to be experienced. This production is a fresh take on a classic show and one which engages the audience like no other. So pull on your fishnet stockings, warm up your vocal chords and go and “give yourself over to absolute pleasure”.

    The Rocky Horror Show is at Sheffield Lyceum (www.sheffieldtheatres.co.uk), who has just launched their new season, until Saturday 25th June 2016 before continuing on its national tour until the end of the year. See www.rockyhorror.co.uk  for full details.