THEGAYUK

Tag: Movie Genre Action

  • Review – The Fate Of The Furious (FF8)

    Review – The Fate Of The Furious (FF8)

    FAST AND FURIOUS 8 – This record breaking, epic edition to the turbo boosted car based action franchise is the most entertaining movie of the last twelve months by a speeding mile.

    © Universal

    Nutshell – Dom (Vin Diesel) goes rogue, for unknown reasons, forcing the rest of our favourite car wrecking posse to chase across the world from Cuba to Iceland via Germany and New York to find out why he has dissed his extended ‘family’, save the world and defeat tech badass Charlize Theron. Jason Statham is now a good guy and there are two megastar surprise appearances that push this over the top to be one of the greatest popcorn movies of all time.

    Running Time – 136 minutes; Certificate – 12A; The ultimate guys movie but with something for everyone really.

    Tagline – ‘Family No More: The Ride Isn’t Over’ – It should be, ‘The best fun you can have with your clothes on’.

    TheGayUK Factor – So, so many hunks, bulging shirts and even bigger trouser bulges. Vin Diesel, The Rock and Jason Statham are three huge gay icons but you get so many other big studs including the hottest piece of new man flesh Scott Eastwood (Clint’s son) who is a pure 11 out of 10 in anyones book. So much testosterone and you just know that there is some ass action between all the motorised mayhem.

    Cast – Vin Diesel, Jason Statham, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, Charlize Theron, Scott Eastwood, Michelle Rodriguez, Kurt Russell and loads more big names plus those two great megastar cameos in the third act that will make your chin drop to the floor and get you whooping with delight.

    Key Player – Vin Diesel took over this dying franchise after the appalling number 3 and turned it into a James Bond crossed Heist huge star juggernaut which is starting to look like the most successful franchise of all time. With two more already in the works it should now surpass Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings in the all time earning stakes – taking it third behind Bond and Star Wars in a fraction of the time and without having to change its stars, style and look along the way.

    Budget – $250 Million. One of the biggest budgets in movie history and it went into profit in just 4 days flat – not so much a gamble as the surest bet for your cash the world has ever seen. Yes, it beat Titanic, Avatar, Jurassic World & every Star Wars in its opening week and we expect it will run and run for months.

    Best Bit – 1.02 mins. So many to choose from but one never before seen set of car stunts invoked by Theron’s bad girl Cypher who remotely takes control of hundreds of cars and makes them speed around corners in unison and then causes it to start raining automobiles from above – sensational stuff.

    Worst Bit – 0.00 mins. For the first time in TheGayUK annals we have great pleasure in saying their truly isn’t a bad bit here.

    Little Secret – Star & Exec Producer Vin Diesel had a massive bust up on set with Dwayne Johnson which resulted in an extremely pointed public tweet where Johnson said he was finished with the series for good. He called Diesel out for being a chicken shit, unprofessional and a candy ass – an urgent 6 hour meeting was called to patch things up… for now.

    Further Viewing – Fast 1’s through 7, all the Bournes, all the Bonds, Ocean’s 11 through 13, Cannonball Run, Monte Carlo Or Bust, Ronin and 25 series of Top Gear plus Clarkson’s new The Grand Tour.

    Any Good – This is a magnificently fun film. When you look up Friday night popcorn entertainment in the dictionary from now on you will see 4 words, Fast & Furious 8. Five was incredible, Seven was off the hook and this is way better, funny, exciting, jaw dropping and so much more. Yes, we are going over the top, but we cannot remember the last time we threw our hands up in the air in the movie theatre and here we did twice, there was even a round of applause at the end. This is the movie of the year period and it’s only April yet.

    Rating – 100 out of 100.

  • 60 Second Film Review | Logan

    60 Second Film Review | Logan

    LOGAN – Wolverine the breakout star of the X Men universe in his tenth and final appearance – pitched as the Superhero film unlike any other and boy did they deliver that.

    Logan review
    Ben Rothstein-© 2017 Marvel. TM and © 2017 Twentieth Century Fox Film

    Nutshell – A few years after the last X-men movie, and Wolverine a.k.a. Logan, is now pretty ancient doing rubbish work. Hiding in the Southern states to finance the medicine an even older Professor X who is on his last legs, as it were, across the Mexican border. They get embroiled with a young girl who needs their help and a cross country chase ensues. This is less a superhero movie and closer to a Jason Statham or Rambo, Schwarzenegger style fight movie – against the odds and it gets very dark indeed.

    Running Time – 135 minutes;

    Certificate – 15; yes that is right this is not kids’ entertainment and closer to a Kick Ass movie.

    Tagline – ‘His Time Has Come’ and maybe others time has come too (spoilers).

    THEGAYUK Factor – Hugh Jackman’s shirt is off an awful lot here and boy is the Aussie hunk looking pumped up and lean in all the right places. Loads of sweaty man on man fight action too as you always get in this genre and it could be the most masculine superhero film ever. No hetero love interest also helps it along here.

    Cast – Hugh Jackman who has made Wolverine his own for 18 long years, Patrick Stewart, the hunky Boyd Holbrook, Richard E Grant old Withnail himself on villain duty and Stephen Merchant gets out of the Office and away from Ricky Gervais for a couple of hours in the Marvel universe.

    Key Player – Jackman does what he always does and does it well but the real star here is Patrick Stewart. This film requires some serious acting rather than action chops and Stewart is one of the best at sucking every drop of emotion out of a scene.

    Budget – $97 million which is cheap for a Marvel tentpole and it made six figures and climbing in its first week so like all superhero films the profits are going to be huge.

    Best Bit – 1.50 mins; At last we get some superhero action and it is thrilling and well worth waiting for although short. Always good to see the baddies who are pretty out there here get their comeuppance in creative ways.

    Worst Bit – 0.45 mins; This is a very long film (The second longest X-men to date) and it sags a bit in the middle with a drawn out casino segment, garage segment and then a farm segment all with valid individual plot points but it really stretches the movie and makes it pretty episodic.

    Little Secret – This is the last film in which Hugh Jackman will play Wolverine. He has cited his age and his skin cancer as factors in him retiring from the role. The first Marvel film to not have an end credit scene and also no Stan Lee cameo. All very different.

    Further Viewing – X Men, X 2, The Last Stand, Origins, First Class, Wolverine, Days Of Future Past, Deadpool & Apocalypse the entire clawed heroes canon plus everything else that starts with the Marvel or DC logo plus every 80’s man against the odds fight film.

    Any Good – Make no mistake this is brutal stuff with gore a plenty and very adult themes. It is a very entertaining movie and truly thought provoking but with the exception of the last 20 minutes in no way is this a superhero movie as we have come to know them. Therefore alter your expectations accordingly to avoid disappointment and then you will love this for what it is… an out and out drama and a fitting climax to Logan Scissorhand’s story.

    Rating – 73% out of 100

  • 60 Second Film Review | XXX: The Return Of Xander Cage

    XXX : RETURN OF XANDER CAGE – The extreme sports turned International superspy franchise returns for the third time. Vin Diesel takes over both sides of the camera to attempt to repeat the Fast & Furious blockbuster reboot/relaunch thing.

    Nutshell – Xander Cage aka Vin Diesel comes back from death to travel the globe sorting out the baddies who are making satelites fall from the sky onto unsuspecting cities but as per usual who are the actual bad guys here? The action two movies ago was incredible and here it goes up and up with each action beat climaxing in some mid-air super stunts in the finale as he saves the world in stunning fashion again.

    Running Time – 107 minutes; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘Kick some ass, get the girl and try to look dope whilst you are doing it’.

    THEGAYUK Factor – Vin Diesel with muscles pumped up like balloons with buff sidekicks and hundreds of steroid enhanced bad guys this is a jerk off fest for blokes into REAL men sweating around and on each other – it just stops short of deep throat French kissing. The underwater scenes are pure gay porn alone.

    Cast – Vin Diesel, Samuel L Jackson, Toni Collette, Donnie Yen, Neymar Jnr and Ice Cube… true fans will work out what exactly this cast means after the last movie in the triple X franchise.

    Key Player – This is one guys film and it is Mr Diesel – He took over the Fast And Furious Franchise after 4 average films and turned it into the biggest money maker outside of Star Wars and he gives it all and some to hopefully do the same here.

    Budget – $85 Million but struggling to get outside of its home fanbase in the States but it is exactly the sort of film to do big business internationally – Number Four in the series is up in the air at the moment but we think and hope they will go for it big time.

    Best Bit – 0.34 mins; So so much action here its like a Bond film on steroids and the best is a superb motorbike chase on land… and then even better on water and through the surf – very impressive.

    Worst Bit – 1.37 mins; The comedy relief is a techy girl called Becky and boy is she annoying no more than when she is forced into a gun battle that you just want it over and done with.

    Little Secret – The world’s greatest footballer Brazil’s oh so fit as f*ck Neymar Jrn makes his acting debut here and not in just one extended scene but two – more please maybe shirtless next time.

    Further Viewing – XXX 1 and 2, Fast And Furious 5 through 7, The Expendables 1-3, James Bond 7-21 (Stop at Casino Royale if you like action) Jason Bourne 2 and 4 plus all 28 movies starring Jason Statham.

    Any Good – If you like this sort of thing you will love this – it is a true fans only movie. If you want acting, character development, poignant stories move right along… nothing to see here. It is way better than number two and we hope there are more. In the dictionary under Friday night popcorn movie you will probably find this films title alone.

    Rating – 67% out of 100.

  • 60 Second Film Review | Assassin’s Creed

    ASSASSIN’S CREED – No computer game has ever been made into a successful movie even with 25 years of trying and numerous attempts but at last we have a great…

    Oh no, it’s another turkey.


    Nutshell – Modern day Michael Fassbender is connected to the memories of his rooftop jumping assassin back in the ancient Spain of the Spanish inquisition. Plenty of action both in the past and the present day as the chase is on against the Knights Templar to gain possession of a powerful apple – yep, really a fruit with armageddon possibilities .

    Running Time – 115 minutes; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘Enter The Animus’ – yes you are reading this review correctly and it will get worse.

    THEGAYUK Factor – Fassbender has his shirt off for virtually the entire second half and boy is he cut or photoshopped to death – maybe for the sequel the pants will go too in a couple of fight scenes. Loads of other fit guys too throughout so forget the silly plot and knock one out of the wrist.

    Cast – Michael Fassbender, Marion Cotillard, Jeremy Irons, Charlotte Rampling and Brendan Gleeson that’s five serial Oscar botherers so what are they doing in a computer game movie? – Oh yes, the money of course.

    Key Player – The Parkour free runners who are central to all the action here do a stunning job and the foot chase scenes are simply incredible.

    Budget – $125 Million but it opened in the States with just $10 mil, no chance it will make its money back and start the much-anticipated franchise.

    Best Bit – 0.58 mins; The all important rooftop chase that this computer game made its name on; and this is an extended very impressive if largely unrealistic huge set-piece action beat.

    Worst Bit – 1.35 mins; With all the best bits early on, boy does this film run out of steam towards the end.  The last couple of fights are nothing like what has gone before and would have been left on the cutting room floor if this was mid-season Game Of Thrones.

    Little Secret – The film features the highest free fall performed by a stuntman in history. The stuntman performed a drop from the height of 125 feet (38 meters), which lasted almost 3 seconds with a 61 mph impact speed. Michael Fassbender did 95% of the fight scenes himself rather than use his stand-in .

    Further Viewing – Computer games made into movies are ten a penny but often are pretty lacking in quality – try Mortal Kombat, Warcraft, Resident Evil, Final Fantasy, Street Fighter, Doom, Super Mario Brothers and the best Prince of Persia and Tomb Raider.

    Any Good – It’s nice to look at and the acting and action early on is great but you just don’t care about anyone and anything going on really. This could have been so much better but having no definitive sides for good and evil, confusing time jumping sequences and the worst ever Macguffin makes this the first disappointment of 2017.

    Rating – 32% out of 100.

  • FILM REVIEW | Doctor Strange

    FILM REVIEW | Doctor Strange

    DOCTOR STRANGE – The 96th superhero film of the year probably. What can Benedict Cumberbatch do in spandex and with this never ending genre.

    Benedict Cumberbatch Doctor Strange
    Photo Credit: Jay Maidment..©2016 Marvel. All Rights Reserved.

    Nutshell – A surgeon loses his hands in a horrific car accident and goes on a voyage of discovery to the Himalaya’s where he finds superpowers in magic form meanwhile a mystical bad guy attacks two of the three entry sanctums in Honk Kong and London and it’s New York next and then the World is f***ed .

    Running Time – 115 minutes; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘The impossibilities are endless’

    The Gay UK Factor – Either you think Benedict is the sexiest man alive in which case you will love him in action mode or otherwise you will just enjoy his superb acting chops as usual. No other eye candy or gay sexiness here except the main henchman Scott Adkins who looks as though he would be a great lay… so bring on the fight and chase sequences.

    Cast – Benedict Cumberbatch, Rachel McAdams, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Tilda Swinton, Benjamin Bratt and Mads Mikkelson doing the same bad guy thing he did so well in Hannibal and Casino Royale he is the new Alan Rickman of baddies.

    Key Player – Marvel of course who seem to produce an endless supply of new superheroes many of which we have never heard of before and they all hit. They also a clever at creating new angles each time and twists in the story but keeping to the winning formula. This is the 14th movie in the Marvel Universe.

    Budget – $165 Million which is big but already made that back; now on for some serious profit and a bunch of sequels.

    Best Bit – 1.15 mins; When the hero discovers what will become his trademark cloak which turns out to have a life of its own. It becomes its own character and starts stealing scenes from this point on.

    Worst Bit – 0.35 mins; This is an origin film so we know there will be some discovery and a training montage but this one does drag a bit and makes your feet start to shuffle. It is not helped here with the learning curve being about mystical planes and alternate realities basically, out and out bollocks tbh.

    Little Secret – Benedict was the first choice for the role but had to turn it down due to his stage schedule in Hamlet. Joachim Phoenix was then cast but he went AWOL, so back to Cumberbatch it went. Casting Tilda Swinton as a Tibetan guru is seen as whitewashing the film in a partially racist way by many to placate the vitally important Chinese market who are touchy about anything Tibetan.

    Further Viewing – Surely you can work this out for yourself – every X-men, Iron Man, Captain America, Spiderman, Batman, Deadpool, Antman, Guardians, ad infin..effing..nitum.

    Any Good – Very good indeed there are two major action beats where reality is truly skewed in a sort of Inception/Matrix fashion that makes it unlike any other Superhero movie around. Having a truly great actor in the lead makes it all so believable and he is on top form here. So great characterization, humour, action and a cool story with a better bad guy and evil plan this could be really jumping onto everyone’s fave superhero film lists. The sequel could be incredible but he is in the new Thor next.

    Rating – 21/100 (21st out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic heaven and 100 being a dud).

  • FILM REVIEW | Jack Reacher Never Go Back

    FILM REVIEW | Jack Reacher Never Go Back

    JACK REACHER NEVER GO BACK – Tom Cruise is back as the loner ex-military guy in the second Reacher film adapted from the 18th book in the hugely successful literary series.

    Jack Reacher review
    CREDIT: Paramount

    Nutshell – Jack Reacher, the ultimate loner with skills, has to go on the run with a female military officer as they are both in the frame for some murders in a Government conspiracy. Jack finds out he has had a daughter all along, and then all hell breaks lose from Washington to New Orleans and the body count goes up.

    Running Time – 118 minutes; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘Never Give In, Never Give Up, Never Go Back.’

    The Gay UK Factor – Patrick Heusinger is an out and out f***able stud muffin. This Florida-born hunk would not be kicked out of bed by any gay man anywhere in the World, but he does not show as much flesh here as he did in Oscar-winning Black Swan… shame.

    Cast – Tom Cruise, Cobie Smulders who if we were straight would be our ideal woman, Aldis Hodge reprising from Jack Reacher One and Heusinger who has shot to poll position in our crowded wank bank.

    Key Player – Lee Child who writes these books and delivers fully on the intrigue with regular doses of believable action and dialogue that would put Tarantino to shame. He even has a cameo here in the airport scene.

    Budget – $60 Million which is cheap for a Cruise movie and a sequel at that, so it was in profit after just the first week and racing over the $100 million mark, so on with Jack Reacher 3. That is if Tom can be arsed to do it as he is not big on sequels this being the only one he has ever done outside of the Mission Impossibles.

    Best Bit – 0.01 mins; So don’t be late as the opening unconnected set-up scene has such great dialogue it will settle you perfectly into a fun night at the flicks. You may have already seen this diner scene as it is one of the trailers put out for the movie.

    Worst Bit – 1.38 mins; The big Afghanistan reveal is pretty predictable with some serious bloopers, but what is worse it is largely underwhelming. Next time let’s have a bigger back plot or story, please.

    Little Secret – Cobie Smulders spent eight weeks learning several new martial arts so as she could and did do all her stunts in the film; she is one real feisty bitch. Cruise who always claims to do all his own stunts didn’t here, so that’s one for the girls. In the books, Reacher is 6.5″ of pure man muscle Tom Cruise is 5’7″ on a good day so nearer to a Hobbit than a US military tough guy and in his 50s too.

    Further Viewing – Jack Reacher 1, The A-Team, Incredible Hulk, Dirty Harry, Law Abiding Citizen, Man on Fire, Deathwish’s 1 to 5 and basically anything featuring lone vigilantes a true Hollywood staple.

    Any Good – This is so much better than the first film which we can hardly remember tbh, and there is a great prison escape scene which is pure Ethan Hunt . A lot is squeezed in here and there are a few scenes that are wasted we just wished the baddies’ story and plot could have been a bit bigger but it was made up for by casting such a f*ckable chief bad guy with hot henchmen too – we bet they get it on balls deep down the thug gym.

    Rating – 66 %

  • FILM REVIEW | Mechanic Resurrection

    MECHANIC RESURRECTION – The sexiest man alive is back in the sequel to his 2011 actioner which itself came from the 1972 original- testosterone level turned up to 11.

    Nutshell – Jason Statham returns to one of his many movie franchises. Retired and in hiding (so far so Jason Bourne) he is forced to travel the world to commit three impossible assassinations to rescue the love of his life (shame it is not a guy – surely this guy must be in the closet). From Rio to Thailand to Sydney and beyond mayhem and incredible stunts is the the ultimate outcome.

    Running Time – 98 minutes; Certificate – 15.

    Tagline – “Four Continents, Three Kills; They Hired Him, They Betrayed Him, They Will Pay”.

    The Gay UK Factor – The Stath gets his shirt off in all his films but here he goes mad. Basically there are very few scenes here where he actually has his clothes on so not so much a movie for your wank bank as a movie that will entirely destroy your right arm. Jason turns up as a prisoner, security guard, repairman, soldier, in a suit, swimming trunks etc etc in a 2016 version of the Village People with added chest hair.

    Cast – Jason Statham, Jessica Alba, Tommy Lee Jones, Michelle Yeoh and a endless line of muscle hunks to get sweaty with in mano et mano action for the whole duration.

    Key Player – These movies are star vehicles, basically if Jason wasn’t in it then it would simply not be made and here he has one of his biggest budgets ever in a film which is wholly tailored to his strengths – number one of which is his huge schlong – clearly visible on the beach and in the underwater scenes – then of course there are the gratuitous lingering ass shots.

    Budget – $40 Million, These films never make their money back at cinemas but from DVD and TV and this bigger production than normal will be no different.

    Best Bit – 0.20 mins; Where you get the start of 15 straight minutes of the Sath’s nipples on a Phuket beach.

    Worst Bit – 1.32 mins; The big surprise twist or reveal at the end is pretty pathetic and a real let down – let’s just say this is no Usual Suspects or Sixth Sense knock out blow – he should have got his prick out instead now that would have been a closer.

    Little Secret – If you are ever in LA, Jason works out quietly and sweats like mad at the Gold’s Gym right by LAX airport so make sure you make that your gym of choice for your trip and join the queue to see him naked and soaped up in the open showers.

    Movie Mistake – The watch which is so key to the story is missing from Jason’s wrists in thousands of scenes throughout the film – very strange for such an important macguffin. Hey Ho this is his application for the part of Bond with two sequences even filmed in former Bond famous locations.

    Further Viewing – Seeing as Jason holds the world record for the most number of Movie franchises ever with eight you are spoiled for choice. Try Spy, The Transporter 2, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, The Expendables 3, Crank 2 and Fast & Furious 7 or any film with a number in it.

    Any Good – As Formulaic as ever with the only new thing here being the huge globetrotting going on (the location scout deserves a pay rise) and of course the increased Statham flesh count. A movie for straight guys to live out and hide their gay fantasies and for gay guys to freeze frame for years to come.

    Rating – 74%

  • FILM REVIEW | Suicide Squad

    SUICIDE SQUAD – A team of badguys are moulded into the ultimate bad-ass superhero team in DC Comics keystone answer to the Avengers.

    Nutshell – The US Government decide that the best way to deal with any future superhero nasty fukkas from outer space is to form there own band of super villains and blackmail them into action. First job to save the world from a real bitch on heat, roll into the mix of all the future household names we get appearances from Batman, Superman, the Joker and other comic faves.

    Running Time – 123 minutes; Certificate – 15.

    Tagline – ‘Worst Heroes Ever’ ‘Justice Has A Bad Side’.

    The Gay UK Factor – There is some serious machismo going on here for two guys that have testosterone coming out of every part of their pecs and glutes. Joel Kinnaman uniformed throughout in military fatigues as Rick Flag the military officer put in charge of the squad is matched by squad member Aussie sex god Jai Courtney as Boomerang. If they f**k in the sequel then it could become the biggest film of all time.

    Cast – Will Smith, Jared Leto, Margot Robbie, Viola Davis, Jai Courtney and most notably the world’s leading supermodel Cara Delevingne plus celeb cameos.

    Key Player – Mr Summer Blockbuster himself the most bankable star in Hollywood a certain Will Smith. He gets some genuinely funny lines and just looks and feels like a superhero with his new shaved head putting everything to good use he learned in Hancock. There are film stars and then there is Willard Carroll ‘Will’ Smith Jnr.

    Budget – $175 Million which was money well spent as already made quarter of a billion back at the Box Office and more importantly it has many future franchises dependent on it which are all green lit now.

    Best Bit – 0.48mins; So many great little sequences and action beats but when the writing is so solid that the best sequence is the first macho posturing meet with all the great word play when the squad meet their military bosses.

    Worst Bit – 1.25 mins; The elephant in the room here is does this film need the Jokers involvement? With so many previous great screen appearances it is hard to get Heath Ledger and Jack Nicholson out of your mind and Jared Leto misses by a country mile. Yes he has some great Ledger type lines but he has nothing really to do with the plot here.

    Little Secret – Jared Leto got so immersed in playing The Joker that he sent his fellow cast members “Joker-like” presents: a live rat to Margot Robbie, bullets to Will Smith, sticky Playboy magazine to Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje and a dead pig and some anal beads and used condoms to the crew….we’ll take the anal beads thank you.

    Movie Mistake – Rick Flag’s hair length continually changes throughout the movie showing clearly the number of re-shoots that are here or maybe the director was still hoping to get his first choice Tom Hardy back from The Revenant. How does Harleyquin get into a lift, wave goodbye to the squad for them all to be waiting for her at the top when the lift doors open?

    Further Viewing – Endless Batman films, Superman films, Avengers films, Guardian films we are not short of superhero movies now or anytime in the near future judging by this, Captain America and Deadpool’s haul.

    Any Good – This is a very cool film indeed. From the opening scene to the post credit stinger, through clothing, visuals and music we are deep in indie territory here hanging with the kids in school everybody thinks are cool. Yes it is a great film, to some people it will be the movie they have waited for all their lives to others it wont even be the best superhero film of the year. We believe this is the start of something pretty big though.

    Rating – 79% ????????

     

  • FILM REVIEW | The Legend Of Tarzan

    FILM REVIEW | The Legend Of Tarzan

    THE LEGEND OF TARZAN – The eternal story of the jungle hero brought up by apes who turns into a 6’4″ plus sweaty almost nude muscle man is back.

    Legend Of Tarzan
    CREDIT: Warner Bros

     

    Nutshell – The story has been filmed so many times over the last 98 years and here he gets his biggest budget yet in both an original story and an adventure involving diamonds and nasty Euro villains. Starting in England as the grown up suited and booted Lord Greystoke we get to flashback to the loss of his parents, the adoption by gorillas and how he met Jane before his Lordship whips his clothes off to start swinging through the jungle in the main plot for a bit of revenge, rescue the missus and to sort out some international political shenanigans and save the day. Thank goodness here he can communicate with the animals as he sure needs there help big time.

    Time – 110 mins; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘Human…Nature’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – Well you have to wait 30 minutes until you get to see a nipple thereafter it is 90 minutes of rippling sweaty muscle running, jumping and wrestling with other buff men. Tarzan is played by Alexander Skarsgard the hottest piece of Swedish blonde manhood you have ever seen. If you want more check out the new gay porn parody Tarzan from Men.com starring porn superstar Diego Sans with his 10 incher stumping every man up the butt who steps into his jungle like an ape on heat and banging his chest and letting out his infamous shout when he cums the choice is yours !.

    Cast – Alexander Skarsgard (Zoolander 2), Margot Robbie (The Wolf Of Wall Street), Christoph Waltz (Spectre), Jim Broadbent (Moulin Rouge), Ben Chaplin (Cinderella) and Samuel ‘I’ve had it with these motherf***ing snakes on this motherf***ing plane’ L. Jackson.

    Key Player – Christoph Waltz is the only stand out in a sea of beige here. A great scene stealing actor ever since Tarantino launched him into the big time a decade ago and here he adds another complete bastard to his run of Nazi’s in Inglorious Bastards or his Blofeld in the latest James Bond.

    Budget – $180 Million, One of the biggest budgets of the Summer but we are looking at a merely break-even film here, so no profit, no sequel and no franchise…..oh dear!

    Best Bit – 0.50 mins; Tarzan and buds swing on vines onto a fast-moving train which is a very entertaining but unnecessary action set-piece.

    Worst Bit – 0.20 mins; Basically the whole first act is slow going, get your kit off man and fight something so we watch those muscles move and smell those pits.

    Little Secret – The 6’4″ actor had to get his bod in shape twice as the cast had to return 8 months later for re-shoots. He said, “We have an outline already for the sequel in which Tarzan gains weight. Tarzan remains hairy and does not have eight pack abs. It has no action and Tarzan eats cake, lots of cake. I wrote it.”…..no worries there is no sequel wanted here.

    Movie Mistake – The bad guys death right at the end has a couple of hideous errors check them for yourself as we are not into giving spoilers here.

    Further Viewing – The International Movie Database lists over 200 Tarzan films over the last 98 years so when done with those try The Jungle Book (2016), Fitzcarraldo, Romancing The Stone, Congo & even George Of The Jungle.

    Any Good – Not really considering that budget. There is plenty of action and a heavily CGI’d finale which hardly engages but the acting is so phoned in and the editing is appalling jumping back in time as and when and leaping the main story onwards with an unexplained blur – you will switch off before the end after all the whole cast except Waltz do. Decent wanking material though.

    Rating – 81/100 (81st out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic heaven and 100 being a dud).

  • FILM REVIEW | Ghostbusters

    FILM REVIEW | Ghostbusters

    GHOSTBUSTERS – New York is flooded by angry ghosts once again – who ya gonna call ?… The all female reboot that’s who.
    The Ghostbusters Abby (Melissa McCarthy), Holtzmann (Kate

    Nutshell – Thirty-two years after you first heard that legendary song and saw that logo the female Ghostbusters take over with a mega budget and a host of famous cameos plus all the major players (in different roles) from the original films. From the team that brought you recent megahits like Bridesmaids and Spy, means you are in very safe hands with four former Saturday Night Live girls in the lead roles who know how to get laughs a plenty. It has exactly the same tone as the original two movies and is great fun. Bustin’ makes us feel good.

    Time – 116 mins; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘Who Ya gonna Call’ & ‘Answer The Call’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – If THEGAYUK office was making a Ghostbusters movie we would put Chris Hemsworth in tight T-shirts in as many scenes as possible. We would show several shots of the 6’4″ Aussie muscle hunk with his shirt off and we would close the movie with a three minute private lap dance with the sex god over the credits. Guess what the producers give us exactly all that and more and therefore topping up to our wank bank to the brim.

    Cast – Melissa McCarthy, Chris Hemsworth’s ass, Kristen Wiig, Chris Hemsworth’s pecs, Bill Murray, Chis Hemworth’s cock, Charles Dance, Chris Hemworth’s abs, Ozzy Osbourne, Chris Hemsworth’s thighs and an awful lot more of Chris Hemsworth and some other actors too…

    Key Player – Melissa McCarthy is the current queen of comedy and she leads from the front here in what should be an ensemble piece. She has so many funny lines many of which she ad-libbed. She is on the biggest roll in Hollywood at the moment with twelve straight hits and no misses and it won’t stop here.

    Budget – $144 Million, It will make a profit but won’t bust blocks as may have been hoped for it but a sequel will follow as set-up nicely with the post credit twist.

    Best Bit – 1. 44 mins; The end credits are simply great, with funny comedy clips, outtakes, sequel teasers and that Chris Hemsworth dance routine which caps out the whole movie nicely.

    Worst Bit – 21.00 mins; The big bad is neither very big or very bad and the film really picks up when in Scooby Doo type fashion the evil spirit starts to take over various main cast members and upping both the fun and jeopardy.

    Little Secret – When the movie was first assembled it was a butt clenching 4 hours and 15 mins long so some severe editing was required. As of today its trailer on YouTube was the most hated of all time as fans did not like the idea of the original guys being replaced by gals.

    Movie Mistake – Lots. After the first ghostly encounter when Erin is covered in gloop she hugs Abby who in the next shot has no gunk on her whatsoever, the ghostbusters vehicle Ecto 1 appears in their garage HQ before they have even acquired it in the story and the evil spirit can control a whole army of men and makes them dance but stupidly appear to have no power over the four ghostbusting girls who are obviously the real threat.

    Further Viewing – Ghostbusters 1 & 2, Men In Black 1 & 2, Bridesmaids, The Boss, Heat, Sister Act or anything with Sandra Bullock or Bette Midler in.

    Any Good – Perfectly adequate no more and no less. We have a suspicion that now all the homages to the original is out of the way that the sequel will be truly great. A weird kind of experience where after a neat opening scene, the movie then dips substantially and then gets gradually builds and gets better and better throughout as it progresses to a very lively climax . Giving you a marathon feel rather than a sprint.

    Rating – 51/100 (51st out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic heaven and 100 being a dud).

  • 60 SECOND FILM REVIEW | Independence Day : Resurgence

    60 SECOND FILM REVIEW | Independence Day : Resurgence

    INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE – The aliens are back to try and take over the world and destroy some more well-known landmarks 20 years after the first campy sci-fi classic. The effects have moved on greatly but has the story gone with it?

    (C) CREDIT: Fox

    Nutshell – Same format almost exactly but everything is a lot bigger and noisier this time. A random bunch of unconnected characters all have their moments just like last time and are all needed in some way to defeat a much bigger threat from outer space. This time the aliens mean business with only one ship but here it lands in the Atlantic ‘Which bit ? a character asks ‘the whole of it as this warship is 3,000 miles across’ is the reply and their plans are even more full on this time, but us humans have some new extraterrestrial help too.

    Time – 121 mins; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘We had twenty years to prepare….so did they’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – The younger Hemsworth brother the hunky Liam for a full two hours in military uniform is the main attraction here. His brother Chris (Thor) has been at the very top of our wank bank for years but his younger sibling has the same Aussie man’s man muscle look!

    Cast – Liam ‘megabulge’ Hemsworth, Jeff Goldblum, Vivian A Fox, Judd Hirst, Bill Pullman basically everyone is back except Will Smith who obviously knew something the others didn’t (and wanted far too much cash – see below).

    Key Player – Jeff Goldblum is pure class, he eats up the screen and brings his much loved puzzled scientist from, The Fly and Jurassic Park films front and centre here as he slowly works out at the same pace as we do what the big bad’s are really up too.

    Budget – $165 Million a full $100m more than the first film now that’s inflation for you and it doesn’t make it a better film one bit. It will make profit as all brands tend to do but it won’t make enough to kickstart a third film which is somewhat trailed here (and was the original plan).

    Best Bit – 0.31 mins; A very tense rooftop hospital rescue which is genuinely nail biting and you won’t guess how the scene ends as it has the movies best twist.

    Worst Bit – 0.33 mins; As London gets demolished instead of Washington DC and New York last time we hit special effect overload as the good guys attempt their escape. Its effects look poor because they are, the scenario does not work at all and it is ludicrously unbelievable, unthrilling and you won’t care about the outcome which is pretty obvious anyway.

    Little Secret – The original film ID1 was the second highest grossing film of all time when it was released behind Jeff Goldblum’s other hit Jurassic Park. Will Smith was due to reprised his role here but Fox Studio turned down his record-breaking fee of $50 Million.

    Further Viewing – ID 1, War Of The Worlds, Mars Attacks, Alien 2, Predator, The Day The Earth Stood Still & V The classic TV series.

    Any Good – ID 2 is fine, no more no less. It is not a classic like the first one and it hugely misses the presence of Will Smith and his ‘Welcome to earth’ one liners. The fault is with the same director Roland Emmerich who this time is simply just phoning it in, this needs a much better story and more threat. We cannot remember a film when less would have been so much more than we have here – the first film was truly superb and had so many great ideas crammed in this one doesn’t and isn’t.

    Rating – 74/100 (74th out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being best and 100 being a damp squib).

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