ASSASSIN’S CREED – No computer game has ever been made into a successful movie even with 25 years of trying and numerous attempts but at last we have a great…

Oh no, it’s another turkey.

Nutshell – Modern day Michael Fassbender is connected to the memories of his rooftop jumping assassin back in the ancient Spain of the Spanish inquisition. Plenty of action both in the past and the present day as the chase is on against the Knights Templar to gain possession of a powerful apple – yep, really a fruit with armageddon possibilities .

Running Time – 115 minutes; Certificate – 12A

Tagline – ‘Enter The Animus’ – yes you are reading this review correctly and it will get worse.

THEGAYUK Factor – Fassbender has his shirt off for virtually the entire second half and boy is he cut or photoshopped to death – maybe for the sequel the pants will go too in a couple of fight scenes. Loads of other fit guys too throughout so forget the silly plot and knock one out of the wrist.

Cast – Michael Fassbender, Marion Cotillard, Jeremy Irons, Charlotte Rampling and Brendan Gleeson that’s five serial Oscar botherers so what are they doing in a computer game movie? – Oh yes, the money of course.

Key Player – The Parkour free runners who are central to all the action here do a stunning job and the foot chase scenes are simply incredible.

Budget – $125 Million but it opened in the States with just $10 mil, no chance it will make its money back and start the much-anticipated franchise.

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Best Bit – 0.58 mins; The all important rooftop chase that this computer game made its name on; and this is an extended very impressive if largely unrealistic huge set-piece action beat.

Worst Bit – 1.35 mins; With all the best bits early on, boy does this film run out of steam towards the end.  The last couple of fights are nothing like what has gone before and would have been left on the cutting room floor if this was mid-season Game Of Thrones.

Little Secret – The film features the highest free fall performed by a stuntman in history. The stuntman performed a drop from the height of 125 feet (38 meters), which lasted almost 3 seconds with a 61 mph impact speed. Michael Fassbender did 95% of the fight scenes himself rather than use his stand-in .

Further Viewing – Computer games made into movies are ten a penny but often are pretty lacking in quality – try Mortal Kombat, Warcraft, Resident Evil, Final Fantasy, Street Fighter, Doom, Super Mario Brothers and the best Prince of Persia and Tomb Raider.

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Any Good – It’s nice to look at and the acting and action early on is great but you just don’t care about anyone and anything going on really. This could have been so much better but having no definitive sides for good and evil, confusing time jumping sequences and the worst ever Macguffin makes this the first disappointment of 2017.

Rating – 32% out of 100.

About the author: Paul Stag
Estbablished gay writer for a well known monthly magazine Dirty Boyz part of Boyz magazine with about 30 pages published each time. Mainly adult entertainment, fetish, travel, events, film reviews. Also pop culture from movies/TV and music.