THEGAYUK

Tag: Movie Genre Action

  • FILM REVIEW | Once Upon A Time In Hollywood

    FILM REVIEW | Once Upon A Time In Hollywood

    ★★★★ | One Upon A Time In Hollywood

    Brad Pitt star in Columbia Pictures “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood”

    Nutshell – Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio together for almost three hours and one of them goes shirtless… not enough? Well, this is Quentin Tarantino’s 9th and apparently, his penultimate movie a homage to the last Golden days of Hollywood, set in 1969 with the Manson murders of Sharon Tate & friends washing around in the background. Two hours of fantastically nostalgic beautiful cinematography & set dressing followed by some standard Tarantino blood lust at the denouement making it possibly the directors weirdest film to date. Leo is a fading movie star and Pitt is his stuntman. The former lives in the Hollywood Hills right next to a house just let to Mr Polanski and Ms Tate,

    Running Time – 161 Minutes so bring a cushion – Cert – 18, and yes you get plenty of language and violence for your buck.

    Tagline – ‘The 9th Film From Quentin Tarantino’ yes that is what they are going with to get you through the doors.

    The Gay UK Factor – The two leading men are and have always been gay icons and eye candy ever since we saw the unknown Brad’s abs in Thelma & Louise where he was playing an escort (we should be so lucky) and DiCaprio ‘s hair was wafting in the wind of a certain sinking ship. In many ways, they have never looked fitter than they do in this film and the camera lingers on every part of their body with a gorgeous soft glow throughout especially their (and everyone’s else feet) which has always been a kink of QT’s so heaven for foot fetishists everywhere. Brad Pitt has an elongated shirtless scene which is a distinct highlight and later LDC jumps into the pool to compete for you masturbatory fantasies.

    Cast – Leonardo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt, Margot Robbie (Hugely underused), Emile Hersh, Dakota Fanning plus cameos from Bruce Dern, Al Pacino & Damian Lewis and the very sexy hunks that are Luke Perry & Timothy Olyphant.

    Key Player – This is the writer, director & co-producer show and if you like QT then you have been waiting for his new movie for a while, if not a fan then the weird structure here may not convert you. It is definitely his most beautiful but is it lazy, overlong or indulgent… probably a bit of both.

    Budget – $90 Million and you often wonder how he produces such a fantastic 1969 look right throughout the film so cheaply, simply it looks a lot more expensive. QT films always make money (except the niche Jackie Brown) and at double the cost at the Box Office already then this is a hit but will it out gross Pulp Fiction and Django Unchained we think that running time and confusing word of mouth may halt it?

    Best Bit 1.28 mins; A very tense and languid confrontation between Pitt’s stunt man character and some of the Manson families followers on their derelict ranch home. As this film is not factual you don’t really know where this or other scenes are going and it is all the better for that. Rewriting history could be not big and not clever but it sure works here.

    Worst Bit – 0.40 mins; The Sharon Tate and Roman Polanski scenes are a bit undercooked and feel tacked on although they are of course vital to the film. Sharon has a long drawn out visit to a cinema to see a movie she is starring in which is certainly where the editor’s scissors should have started to maybe bring this marathon movie down under two hours.

    Little Secret – This maybe QT’s ‘9th film’ according to publicity but in fact, he has 22 directing credits and even more writing credits at 30… he has acted in 37 movies but it is difficult to remember any of them as he is not gonna give Daniel Day-Lewis a run for his money. Most of his films are 18 Certificate including this one.

    We checked the most successful 18 movies in History and found that there is only one ‘Horror’ film in the top 20 (Hannibal) the rest are made up of films there sometimes for violence but most commonly for swearing and the number one 18 Cert adult film of all time surprisingly is The Wolf Of Wall Street… no sex, no violence, no horror just Leo DiCaprio’s filthy mouth did his Mum not wash it out with soap enough when he was young.

    Further Viewing – Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, The Hateful 8, Kill Bill 1 and 2, Inglorious Bastards, Django Unchained you get the idea plus anything by Robert Rodriguez or Chris Nolan, Helter Skelter, The Manson family, The Black Dahlia, Hollywoodland and in fact any film that glorifies Hollywood’s past from Sunset Boulevard right through to La La Land.

    Any Good – Is it Tarantino’s best? No, but it is certainly way ahead of most other movies and a pleasant change to endless sequels and instantly recognisable blockbuster fare. In one word this is Art and it is not about making money although it will do that. Its structure is strange the longest build-up in cinema history slowly VERY SLOWLY introducing us to all its characters as they head into the last 30-minute typical Tarantinoesque showdown which is a major shot to the gut when the style change finally arrives.

    This reviewer is not the biggest QT fan but we enjoyed it more than any of the other eight but it is not for everyone as we said at the top this film is weird. If he directs another film it will be a Star Trek of all things and we hope he does as we cannot wait to see what he makes of a sci-fi franchise but we bet Kirk calls Spock a fucking big-eared c..t at some point as they get beamed up.

    Rating – 74/100

  • FILM REVIEW | Fast the Furious Hobbs and Shaw

    ★★★★ | FAST & FURIOUS : HOBBS & SHAW

    Nutshell – Two huge gay icons get their own spin-off (sort of) from the mega Successful F&F franchise. The cop and villain from the last four movies Misters Johnson & Statham have to chase the latest MacGuffin world killing virus through London, Russia and The South Seas in the biggest stunts of the year.

    Incredible action, but with these two highly likeable stars you get so much comedy to balance it out often aimed at The Stath’s height or The Rocks muscles and everything is a fun competition between these two even bashing heads.

    Running Time – 137 Minutes – Cert PG-12A.

    Tagline – ‘One is fast & the other is Furious but there is a new protagonist in town’

    The Gay UK Factor – With two of the fittest men in movies together for their own extended films this is a gay guy into muscle’s wet dream and the film they have been waiting for all year.

    The eternal mano et-mano posturing throughout here is reminiscent of every bit of gym or locker room banter you have ever heard and they do everything together except fuck. The Rock even goes shirtless for an extended Haka scene and the Stath jokes about him losing his baby oil…

    It could not get any queerer if the stars of Rocketman, Bohemian Rhapsody and Mamma Mia turned up for a lip-sync battle mid car chase.

    Idris Elba also goes shirtless too more than once as do many of the hot macho henchmen.

    Cast – Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, Jason Statham, Idris Elba on bad guy duties & Vanessa Kirby as the female lead and then we have a new thing in F&F land endless cameos from Helen Mirren, Rob Delaney, Kevin Hart, Ryan Reynolds, etc etc.

    Key Player – This is the perfect double act. The producers saw the chemistry between these two guys in The Fast & The Furious and greenlit this new strand especially as The Rock and Vin Diesel were at loggerheads constantly so a new direction was needed. They are both the ultimate believable action heroes rather than say short arse Tom cruise who both have perfect comic timing that would get them a slot on Live At The Apollo any day of the week.

    Budget – $200 Million and it is all up there on the screen with one massive gravity-defying set piece after another. Worldwide Box office for the first week was 180 Mil and that was without the lucrative Chinese market where this series really cleans up. This is a box office bonus bonanza for Universal Studios being their 5th biggest opening of all time (And most of them are previous entries in this saga) it is also the biggest opening ever of both these two megastars.

    Best Bit – 1.16 mins; There is a tremendous car/bike chase through the busy packed streets of London’s Square mile early on but all the best bits come from the one-liners and they peak in a tremendous corridor fight scene where the stars wordplay hugely tops the great martial arts action with the endless gun-toting goons.

    Worst Bit – 0.28 mins; Jason Statham is 52 years old whilst Vanessa Kirby is 31yo but looks 10 years younger and here we are supposed to believe that they are brother and Sister & that she is an unstoppable fighting machine. It requires more suspension of disbelief and the strangest casting since a tank top wearing Denise Richards was cast as Dr Christmas Jones ‘a nuclear expert’ in James Bond’s The World Is Nor Enough.

    Little Secret – With the exception of the tropical climax and the studio scenes this film is shot entirely on location in the UK from Glasgow to The City Of London via High Wycombe and part of the fun is spotting the many locations you may know well… even the supposed many Russian set scenes are filmed across our fair isle.

    When this was greenlit it so annoyed Vin Diesel that he cut some of Johnson’s scenes in the last F&F film as he was exec producer and then failed to turn up for a days work leaving over 1,000 crew members idle. Idris Elba refused to say a scripted line for his character, calling himself “the black James Bond”. He instead used the phrase “black Superman” not to look too needy that he wanted the 007 job.

    Further Viewing – Fast & Furious 1-8, Need For Speed, The Cannonball Run, All Mission Impossibles, Spy, I Spy, and any mismatched buddy film from The Lethal Weapons to The Rush Hours, Bad Boys, Midnight Run & The 48 Hours movies not Wild Wild West though or anything with the words Jay & Silent Bob in them..

    Any Good – You know what you are getting here and there are no surprises but what you do get is another great chapter if you like this sort of thing and it seems everyone from 11-61yo does judging by its receipts. The surprise is the humour which really works and gives a great 80’s hit movie feel to it. The action is on par but maybe no real wow moment as in previous chapters but this is still great fun and the long-running time flies by.

    Whether this franchise goes down the Hobbs & Shaw route or back to the Vin Diesel ‘It’s all about family’ set-up time will tell but this is now the third longest-running franchise in history just passing Harry Potter and you would not bet on this overtaking Star Wars very soon.

    77/100

  • Men In Black International Review: Not as good as the sum of its parts

    Men In Black International Review: Not as good as the sum of its parts

    ★★☆☆☆ | MEN IN BLACK INTERNATIONAL

    (C) Columbia Pictures

    The 4th MIB movie coming 7 years after the last one and 22 years after we first met the super agents with no Will Smith, no Tommy Lee Jones but the welcome addition of sex god Chris Hemsworth.

    Nutshell – The secret well-dressed sunglass wearing organisation that exists to protect the earth from aliens and the scum of the universe are back in a loud CGI action-heavy film that in theory sits alongside the original trilogy rather than being a sequel. Almost all new characters and this time with a lot of globetrotting to Europe and Morocco as they try to stop another alien villain and protect yet another artefact hidden on earth but the bigger problem is that there is a mole in the Men In Black hierarchy – our money is on the Pug dog.

    Running Time – 114 Minutes – Cert 12A.

    Tagline – The World’s Not Going To Save Itself

    The Gay UK Factor – Chris Hemsworth is one of the world’s best-looking men. Of course, Hemsworth in a tight designer suit showing every inch of his massive firm buttocks is something right from the top end of the wank fantasies – the ones we reserve in the back of our brain for the intense vinegar strokes. Not enough for ya? Well, you get a two-minute extended topless scene at the start of the film… We have seen this movie six times so far and counting for that alone.

    Cast – Chris Hemsworth, Tessa Thompson, Liam Neeson, Rafe Small, Kayvan Novak and the only major returning cast member Emma Thompson… no Will Smith or Tommy Lee Jones and boy do we miss their chemistry here as the two leads mix about as well as Madonna’s music does with the current charts.

    Key Player – For the first time ever we cannot spot one. The directors, writers, cast etc are all retreading a tried and tested formula for ever diminishing results. The new CG chess piece character gets all the best lines though and our marriage proposal to Hemsworth is not rescinded by this but he just cannot carry a comedy on his own as he is better as the straight man to a comedians foil – now Will and him that could have been one-liner heaven but Will wanted to be Aladdin‘s genie instead.

    Budget – $110 Million – Thank goodness they kept this budget down as it is just not flying like the previous films in the trilogy. The first week it took the entire world box office to break even so now it can start making some profit which it will do but don’t expect any sequels as you file this under slightly disappointing.

    Best Bit – 0.48 mins; We get a very thrilling fight with the invaders in a studio set London street which has great action and well-placed comedy beats and it works well. Shame this balance couldn’t be kept up elsewhere – an action comedy needs both to be effective and this is often lacking in either one or the other at most points and often both.

    Worst Bit – 1.15 mins; Lots of little bits here don’t come off including a by the numbers hoverbike chase not as good as in MIB 3 but none more so obvious than the flying car in a secret organisation. Harry Potter and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang did this better. It underlines an attempt to make everything bigger than we have seen before but too much smaller returns. So much possibility ends in something not bad but just average and is that not condemnation enough for a blockbuster.

    Little Secret – Believe it or not the MIB universe also includes the 21/22 Jump Street movies. The film was originally going to be a Jump Street / Men in Black crossover with Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill reprising their roles from that franchise when Smith and Jones refused to do another MIB. However, plans fell apart, so it became a spin-off with Chris Hemsworth and Tessa Thompson. Chris Hemsworth announced shortly after the release of this film that he would take a break from acting (not because of this film we should add more to do with the end of the Avengers’ saga) to; a) stand for US President, b Join the Jonas Brothers, c) Start his much in demand gay porn career or d) be with his family… only one of these is correct.

    Further Viewing – Men In Black – 1-3, Ghostbusters 1-3, Austin Powers 1-3, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 1-3, Detective Pikachu, Pixels, Evolution, Space Jam and the king of sci-fi action comedies Galaxy Quest.

    Any Good – Not as good as the sum of its parts. There are two major problems. Firstly the original MIB was a breath of fresh air with great ideas from its wonderful characters in both the fore and background through to the classic number one hit single but then unlike a lot of other franchises instead of taking the best bits and improving on them they have gone the opposite way with every new addition to the set.

    Secondly whoever cast Hemsworth and Thomson as the leads here (They were together in the Thor films) has made a fatal error. We need a comedian of Will Smith’s character bouncing of a straight man like Tommy Lee Jones instead here we get two straight men/women delivering all the punch lines. You will enjoy the film but don’t expect a laugh a minute maybe one every 30 mins is closer and is that good enough for an action comedy?

    TWO STARS

  • FILM REVIEW | Aquaman

    ★★★★☆ | Aquaman

    FILM REVIEW for Aquaman

    AQUAMAN – The DC Superhero universe continues the fight back against Marvel with this great musclebound outing. We have had spandex guys everywhere you can imagine from Africa to World war 2 and including outta space so it’s time now to go underwater.

    Nutshell – Land lubber Arthur Curry discovers he is in line to the throne of the underwater kingdom Atlantis. Unfortunately his sexy as fuck half-brother has other ideas, he feels responsible for his mother’s death and the Atlanteans are about to fight back with us surface developers for decades of undersea warfare and now our modern plague of plastic pollution. Cue all-out war and our favourite new hunk of beefcake is right in the middle of it.

    Running Time – 143 Minutes – Cert PG-13. Superhero movies just keep getting longer and longer but it works here.

    Tagline – ‘Home Is Calling’ & ‘He’s Not From Around Here’

    The Gay UK Factor – Jason Momoa is one of the hottest new gay fantasy men out there and here he is topless for the duration. This massive tall muscular stud is heavily tattooed, has sexy scars and great long straggly hair you just want to run your fingers through. He starred in his own Baywatch TV series before heading off to Westeros to be the none English speaking shirtless and bare arsed Dothraki King in Game Of Thrones inducing a huge increase in wanking sock abuse. His Aquaman movie introduction was as small parts in Batman Vs Superman and Justice League where he stole your eye away from a lot of other hot leads but it has all been heading to this his very own two-hour special.

    Cast – We are not sure there was anyone else here besides Momoa as we only had eyes for him but we think we spotted Dolph Lundgren, Willem Dafoe, Nicole Kidman, Amber Heard some guest star appearances as other kingdom monarchs and one of the most underrated sexy men currently acting Patrick Wilson who no gay man would kick out of bed.

    Key Player – James Wan the director keeps the action and key set pieces a coming and turns what could easily be a pile of fantastical dog poop with men riding sharks and seahorses into battle into something believable, current and most of all… fun.

    Budget – $160 Million but it seems to be money well spent as this will dominate the Christmas Box Office as everything else is kiddie blockbusters (Mary Poppins/The Grinch/Spiderman Cartoons) and helped by the major failure of the pretty rough Fantastic Beasts, JK Rowling’s first ever Waterloo and the postponement of the Bond.<

    Best Bit – 1.12 mins; We get a great spell out of the water to undertake a breathtaking downhill rooftop chase with one great stunt after another and serious fingernail chewing jeopardy.

    Worst Bit – 1.25 mins; A fight with a giant mythological creature seems a bit out of place here and more suited to any of a hundred forgettable sword and sandal Sunday afternoon Greek epics which all merge into one. Luckily the scene is short lived and it is soon back to the ocean for the big climax.

    Little Secret – James Wan is, of course, the king of horror making the Insidious/Annabelle/Saw/Conjuring etc movies but don’t worry as he has a different focus here basin this on Raiders Of The Lost Ark and Romancing The Stone but whatever made him decide to include a drum playing octopus no-one will ever know. With this film, the DC universe will cross the four billion dollar mark at the box office in the fastest time ever just six films so take that Messrs Bond, Potter, Tolkien, Sparrow, Vader and especially Marvel.

    Further Viewing – Wonder Woman, The Justice League, Various Spidermans and Batmans and everything from the DC movie universe or the enemy Marvel studio. 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, Beyond Atlantis, The Meg, The Abyss, Sanctum, Lords Of The Deep but not Finding Nemo or The Little Mermaid.

    Any Good – This works and it so easily might not have. Very fast paced and extremely noisy but it all seems to be in support of the extensive plot. Wholly separate from every other superhero films so no cameos here as it lives entirely in its own domain. It looks great is thoroughly enjoyable and fully launches Jason Momoa to the top of the A-list heading straight at the slightly tarnished Dwayne Johnson crown who has had a very rough year indeed. The Worlds highest paid movie star in history suddenly needs to look over his shoulder for a tatted man with even more muscular and possibly a better actor to boot.

    70/100

  • FILM REVIEW | The Meg

    ★★★★☆ | The Meg

    Courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures

    THE MEG – Sex God Jason Statham takes on the biggest nastiest shark in cinema history in the ultimate muscular monster movie showdown an instant camp & cult classic & he’s never looked hotter.

    Nutshell – Firstly this is a thriller, not a horror and the ultimate progression of The Stath’s career-long mano et mano film genre he has made all his own. A deep sea mission unwittingly releases the biggest beast known to man but a very big fish indeed. Can our hero stop the modern day Jaws from killing his crew and then hitting the nearby popular South East Asian beach?  It’s a non-stop, well thought out water bound action with serious bite, you will feel tense throughout but not scared.

    Running Time – 113 Minutes – Cert 12A. That family-friendly certificate obviously takes a lot of blood and the gore out of the movie – this is not the new Jaws nor sets out to be.

    Tagline – ‘Before Chasing Sea Monsters, Check Your Place On The Food Chain’

    The Gay UK Factor – This is the one we have been waiting for all Summer, Jason Statham topless for two hours in swimming trunks or even less. Slipping on the tightest wetsuit ever seems to show every bulge and muscle ripple he has.  The original 1950’s Kinsey report & test of whether you were gay or not is now officially replaced by this movie. Is there a big shark in it? As we didn’t notice.

    Cast – Jason Statham and no-one else you have ever heard of (Unless you watch endless Resident Evils) but frankly that is all you need, the others are just fish food, except the little dog as we loved him but oh dear he has fallen in the water too so now what will happen?

    Key Player – This is a one-man show. The movie wouldn’t have been greenlit, made and got past its first studio meeting without the hunky star’s signature. The UK’s biggest movie star probably of the last decade just gets action movies made around him like no other actor and they always hit at the box office – Our island should be very proud of the guy who now has a record-breaking six movie franchises to his name. Tom Cruise has one.

    Budget – $130 Million and in one week it has made double that back in profit totally pissing all over the other one man band Summer blockbuster Dwayne Johnson’s Skyscraper. This is the last big hit of the summer and fans are fucking lapping it up big time… but may not want to go back in the water for a bit!

    Best Bit – 0.47 mins; The Stath has to get a GPS tracker attached to the giant killer fish which means he has to swim real close to it. Cue the best heart-stopping scene of the film before the crazy good mad as a box of frogs climax.

    Worst Bit – 0.05 mins; The opening prologue sets the scene some months before the main action and it’s OK but is nothing special. Film reviewers often use the term ‘Roller Coaster Ride’ and it has never fitted better here. Once you get over the initial warm up its non-stop excitement until you breathlessly hit the credits. One more rider please and Scream if you want to go faster!

    Little Secret – Spot the Jaws music used here in the underwater cage scene plus numerous references to all four Jaws films & The Abyss. This was originally meant for George Clooney then when it was offered to director Eli Roth (Hostel and Inglorious Bastards etc) who wanted to cast himself as the hero but as an actor, his biggest role was as Frowny The Clown in a horror film so a star with more box office whoomph was sought.

    Further Viewing – Jaws 1-4, Piranha, The Deep, Open Water, Croc, Lake Placid, Orca, Deep Blue Sea and The Stath’s greatest hits Transporter, Crank. The Expendables, Fast & Furious 8, Spy, The Italian Job, The Pink Panther & of course Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels.

    Any Good – You don’t need a review to know whether this is for you or not. If you like the actor or this type of monster film then this is a really great one. If you want some fun escapism then you will be very happy but if you thought I, Daniel Blake was the greatest movie of all time or worship at the feet of Dame Maggie Smith then move along.

    Rating – 70/100

  • FILM REVIEW | Mission Impossible: Fallout

    ★★★★☆ | Mission Impossible: Fallout

    MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: FALLOUT – The sixth high octane spy thriller of Impossible Missions
    Nutshell – The IMF based loosely on the 60’s TV show this time have to find some missing plutonium that they let slip through their fingers in Berlin at the start of the film. An old adversary wants to blow up the world again, so Tom Cruise jumps out of planes, crashes motorbikes, falls out of helicopters and fights everyone in sight on a global action odyssey. This time he has the man mountain Henry Cavill shadowing him all the way and also has some women problems and half decent twists.
    Running Time – 147 Minutes – Cert 12A. A very long movie that does fly by.
    Tagline – ‘Some Missions Are Not A Choice’
    THEGAYUK Factor – Tom Cruise is now 57-year-old and looks great for his age but the gay sex appeal is not what it was, but he does make great movies. Ving Rames, Simon Pegg and Alec Baldwin are never going to make it onto anyone’s wank bank list, but we do have one fantastic saving grace Mr Henry Cavill is stunningly hot, built like a brick shit house and looks like everyone’s dream fucking top.
    Cast – Tom Cruise, Simon Pegg, Alec Baldwin, Rebecca Ferguson, Ving Rames, Angela Bassett, Sean Harris, a very very hot Wes Bentley and the straight face of CNN, Wolf Blitzer as opposed to the silver fox himself Anderson Cooper.
    Key Player – Although this is Cruise’s show he is not really giving us anything new here. The director Christopher Mcquarrie is the first guy to be invited back for his second Mission as previously a new director was employed each time. This is not quite as good as his last film Rogue Nation and lacks that one signature stunt that we expect from this franchise but he is solid and holds it all together nicely.
    Budget – $178 Million but it has the lowest opening of any Mission to date and is struggling to get the right number of bums on seats which is strange as it has good reviews and decent word of mouth perhaps its the same old same old feeling or the Worldwide heatwave.
    Best Bit – 0.27 mins; A great well-filmed HALO (High Altitude Low Open) parachute jump which goes wrong is genuinely exciting but why they have to be so clandestine jumping out of a plane over Paris to avoid radar is anyone’s guess and a figment of the writer’s mind.
    Worst Bit – 1.48 mins; The over contrived endless double-crosses hit full speed, and logic goes out of the window with the twists and irrational happenings that make Harry Potter or Star Wars look realistic but never mind just enjoy the action which is very good indeed.
    Little Secret – These Missions are now largely all about Tom doing his own stunts, and it works because they do look real. Here he has four major ones; the HALO jump he spent a year training for, an extended helicopter action set piece where he did most of the flying, a Paris motorcycle chase without helmet including an against the traffic scene around the Arc de Triumph and that London-based foot chase where he busted his ankle and closed the movie down for months. Let the stunt guys do what they are good at fella maybe as the next Mission you will be in your sixties.
    Further Viewing – Missions 1 through 5, Anything with the words Jason and Bourne in, The Man From Uncle, Spy, Kingsman, the more recent James Bonds.
    Any Good – This is just a few points down on the last two Missions, and it is the longest, so there is a lot of story to wade through here. The action is as good as anything out this year and almost Fast & Furious level, and there are many positives especially the addition of Henry Cavill. You do get the feeling of deja vu though, fake interrogations again, a surprise mask wearer, The CIA infiltrated yet again, bosses being killed, and countdowns to explosions all so predictable why do bad guys have countdowns anyway they just exist so as the good guys can save the day with less than 10 seconds to spare. If you want to destroy the world why take your time?
    Rating – 72/100

  • FILM REVIEW | Skyscraper

    ★★★☆☆

    | SKYSCRAPER

    The world’s highest paid movie actor in history Dwayne Johnson in a Diehard type update in the world highest building makes sense right? Twice the height of the Burj Khalifa in Dubai to make Tom Cruise’s Mission Impossible building clinging exploits look like that of a pussy, nothing is small here.

    Nutshell – The big man is doing an insurance appraisal on ‘The Pearl’ a new mega-structure which is about to open. Cue a terrorist-induced fire halfway up the skyscraper, The Rock’s family trapped and in ever increasing jeopardy and a heist plot means the muscle mountain has to rip his shirt off and attempt one death-defying stunt after another to save the day or die trying.

    Running Time – 104 Minutes – Cert 12A and thereby we have the film’s biggest problem it is just too short and rushed – many kid’s cartoons are longer than this.

    Tagline – ‘Don’t Look Down’ & ‘The Sky Is The Limit’ – yes not a lot of thought has gone into this one.

    TheGayUK Factor – Dwayne is his usual hot as fuck self and then halfway through he gets a minor injury and the shirt comes off and the muscles and extensive tattoos come out and screw us, it is hot. The 6’4″ superstud has never looked better all those skinless chicken suppers and gym sweat is paying off but then it is back to the plot and the sweat just keeps coming at ya.

    Cast – Dwayne Johnson, Neve Campbell in her best role since her Scream franchise ended, Noah Taylor and Orange is the New Black’s ‘porntache man’ Pablo Schreiber.

    Key Player – Let’s not kid anyone this movie would not exist, be financed, reviewed, watched and enjoyed if it was not for Dwayne’s presence and him saying “yes” to it. The man could get a full-length movie about Theresa May’s sex life, a comedy starring Andy Murray, a gay version of Beaches or an epic entitled Brexit The Movie greenlit. He has single-handedly rescued four massive franchises with The Mummy, Fast & Furious, Journey 2 & GI Joe this is unlikely to be the next.

    Budget – $125 Million but will probably only make a minor profit which is disappointing following Johnson’s huge scoring 2017 with Fast & Furious 8, Moana and Jumanji but maybe forget Baywatch and this year’s earlier giant monkey movie Rampage. At least you have to give him the hardest working man in Hollywood title.

    Best Bit – 0.46 mins; Where the Mrs’ and kids are in the proverbial shit as a bridge across the park halfway up the tower collapses. It is a very well done tense scene we just need a lot more of this kind of peril across the other 90 minutes.

    Worst Bit – 0.21 mins; The villain here is just not evil enough and seems just off the shelf. His motive even less engaging and he also doesn’t have a decent sidekick with some super fighting skills or personal defect, so we get knock-off average goons we don’t care about.

    Little Secret – One of the lead collaborators on the movie is the Architect Adrian Smith who worked on the current tallest building the Burj Khalifa and is now working on the one to surpass it, the Jeddah Tower in Saudi Arabia. The fictional tower in the movie was moved to Hong Kong to take advantage of the now massive South-East Asian film market who love Dwayne’s movies. Dwayne Johnson was a hugely successful football star before a back injury made him switch to wrestling. He went back to wrestling after the Mummy Returns and Scorpion King movies as he thought he would not be a success as an actor. He is now the highest paid one of all time.

    Further Viewing – Diehard’s 1-4 which this movie would simply love to be & isn’t, Towering Inferno, San Andreas, Central Intelligence, Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol, Gremlins 2, Entrapment or any Airport, Earthquake, Poseidon disaster flick of the 70’s.

    Any Good – This is a classic high single concept movie. The action is non stop but Dwayne does not get much of a chance to raise an eyebrow, crack a joke or do all the things we love from the guy. He is always engaging and tries hard but has little support and everything is so rushed resulting in the short running time. If there was only room for many of the scenes to breath and create more tension this would be so much better and raise it above standard 3-star territory which it could so easily have been. It is perfectly serviceable until Dwayne brings us Suicide Squad 2, San Andreas 2, Jumanji 3, Big Trouble In Little China and of course his much anticipated Fast & Furious spin-off with another of our great gay jerk off fantasies Jason Statham. The ultimate cockfight is coming in 2019.

    Rating: 49/100

  • FILM REVIEW | Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

    ★★★★☆ | Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

    FILM REVIEW | Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

    JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM – The fifth entry in the dinosaur theme park saga and the second since its hugely successful reboot where it became the 4th biggest earner in world cinema history so big claw prints to follow indeed. This time we get a movie in two distinct halves and endless breathless action throughout – We like very much. This movie certainly has a bite that Michael Crichton would be proud.

    Nutshell – When the volcano on Isla Nublar looks set to erupt and terminate all the dino’s forever a rescue mission is organised by our two former heroes but skulduggery is afoot and the big lizards have their own ideas too and when some get back to our world in the UK the prehistoric shit really hits the fan.

    Running Time – 128inutes – Cert 12A.

    Tagline – ‘The Park Is Gone’ & ‘Life Finds A Way’

    The Gay UK Factor – Two hours of Chris Pratt looking dirty, dishevelled and sweaty as hell like your fantasy local builder, scaffolder or gardener wank fodder this is very easy on your eye as the man just wreaks of masculinity with an incredible sense of humour. Pure husband material but he does not write back! Unlike most of his other films, there are no shirtless or naked ass shots (Passengers we are talking about you). There are a bevvy of musclebound thugs throughout which will help your Summer sap to rise – these villains seem to have a recruitment policy as if you are as fuckable as hell you can become my henchman, go figure.

    Cast – Chris (Future Husband) Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howerd, Jeff Goldblum, Toby Jones, Rafe Spall & James Cromwell but the stars are the dinosaurs as always.

    Key Player – J A Bayona is Spain’s top director and he hails from the horror world with the likes of films such as The Orphanage. He brings this experience heavily into this movie wherein the first half he gives us the standard huge non stop action big set-piece sequences this franchise demands including that volcano eruption but in the second half we get very fresh one location horror almost gothic type tight set of sequences based on the infamous claustrophobic ‘kitchen sequence’ from the original movie over two decades ago.

    Budget – $170 Million much cheaper than the previous one but it is a better film for that. Currently, it has hauled 7 times its budget so a great investment all round and it’s on to Jurassic Park/World 6 the climax of this trilogy.

    Best Bit – 0.36 mins; When the volcano erupts all hell breaks out in a wonderful elongated action sequence which starts suddenly underground and ends claustrophobically underwater probably the best since Spielberg was in charge.

    Worst Bit – 0.05 mins; The opening action sequence is fine but it has absolutely nothing to do with the plot. It seems added purely so as we have an action beat before we get 15 minutes of set-up. In the eighties, all action films like say, Lethal Weapon, had to have an action beat every 8 minutes regardless of plot we have a throwback here.

    Little Secret – This film has the most dinosaurs of the franchise and of any film in history so your little nephews and nieces will be happy. Of course, dinosaurs developed from birds so many here should have feathers and be much brighter and varied colours but we seem to find brown, grey and green lizards scarier so that’s what we get on the screen. Raptors should have wings but directors think that claws are scarier so again that’s what we get and dinosaurs cannot roar as they have birds voice boxes but we want our T Rex’s to sound like monsters so that what Hollywood gives us. Part 3 of this new trilogy is rumoured to be called Jurassic War with weaponized dinosaurs – surely not! We will find out in 2021. The post credit scene here was actually filmed in London Zoo so don’t rush off to the exit to soon.

    Further Viewing – JP 1-3 and JW from 3 years ago, Godzilla (any of them), King Kong 1,3 or 4 (never ever consider 2), BBC’s amazing Walking With Dinosaurs, Nightmare At The Museum, The Land That Time Forgot and any of the millions of Dino movies but stop short of Barney, The Land Before Time or One Of Our Dinosaurs Is Missing.

    Any Good – Pure Summer multiplex entertainment at its best. More ideas than the last one that seems to be going somewhere and a clever structure. There are a couple of massive hints as to huge new directions later on in this film which should if handled correctly take this series off in fascinating new action-packed directions. Regardless this is not to be missed if you like straightforward Saturday night popcorn entertainment and there is nothing wrong with that as we don’t need Ken Loach, Kurosawa, Scorcese or Subtitled Slovakian war refugee movies all the time.

    Rating – 74/100

  • FILM REVIEW | Deadpool 2

    DEADPOOL 2 – The foul-mouthed superhero is back in an improvement on the very good first film upping the laughs and story twists – the fourth wall is not just broken as destroyed making the viewer part of the movie throughout.

    FILM REVIEW | Deadpool 2
    Just how good is Deadpool?

    Nutshell – Our hero fails to kill one villain on a mission resulting in tragic personal consequences. A successful suicide attempt follows but he forgets he is the superhero that cannot die which sets everything in motion. Introduced to the X-men he meets a boy with fiery powers who has a murderous future ahead of him triggering a Terminator time travelling super villain to come back in time to change things – that’s just for starters then it gets complicated, funnier and more exciting by the minute.

    Running Time – 119inutes – Cert 15 – this superhero film is definitely not for your young nephew.

    Tagline – ‘Prepare for the second coming’ and ‘ From the studio that killed Wolverine’ – underlining this is the superhero franchise with the comedy chops.

    The Gay UK Factor – Really??? This movie stars Ryan Reynolds, the sexiest man on the planet not called David Gandy (He has been on top of the sexiest man alive polls). The trouble here is that a lot of the time he is covered face and all in his coverall superhero neoprene outfit and most of the rest of the time to fit with the storyline his face is disfigured. You do get some normal straight shots of Mr Reynolds but you do have that voice throughout so this is a movie to listen to as much as watch and let your imagination run riot…just imaging Ryan Reynolds sitting on our faces for two hours and you will get the picture.

    Cast – Ryan ‘time to get off my face’ Reynolds and some other people… well you get Josh Brolin, TJ Miller and appearances from Brad Patt, Matt Damon, Nicholas Hoult and James McAvoy.

    Key Player – Well, we would like to write more about Ryan Reynold’s ass, abs and bulging lycra but credit should also go to the superb writing team of Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick and … Ryan Reynolds, is there no end to the man’s talent. Also, the director David Leitch who just gets everything right here in that rare thing a sequel that is a great improvement on the original. Leitch is new to directing after formally being Hollywood’s top stunt guy for such films as The Matrix, 300, Wolverine, XXX, Troy and the Jason Bourne films so you bet the action here is fierce.

    Budget – $110 Million less than half that of Infinity War and this is a better film – Already it has made over $630 million in just a few days and that’s just from the gay members of the Ryan Reynolds fan club, so lockdown for Deadpool’s 3 through 10. It is the third biggest grossing movie of the year and climbing just edging out The Greatest Showman and that bird with the beard singing “This Is Me” repeatedly.

    Best Bit – 0.47 mins; A prison convoy assault by our heroes and his buds and boy does it go spectacularly wrong in a fashion that only the Deadpool franchise can pull off.

    Worst Bit – 0.41 mins Nothing very bad here at all but you do get the slight deja vu feeling when the Terminator back in time plot to change the future kicks in. Also with Josh Brolin playing the bad guy in Marvel’s Avenger’s Infinity War last month do we need him playing a different villain here… does the studio not have a release calendar?

    Little Secret – Marvel main man Stan Lee rarely does not appear in this movie. The film was shut down for two days after the death of a stunt woman in the motorcycle chase. We are also promised a wonderful extended cut with an added hour that we cannot wait for but most of all throughout Deadpool makes many references to his pansexuality and the appeal of guys and with the characters of Warhead and Yukio we get the first LGBTQ couple in Marvel history. So this is the gayest superhero film yet.

    Further Viewing – With 19 Marvel films to pick from as well as the DC Universe and many others also you may consider the best of Ryan Reynolds naked and topless go straight for Blade Trinity or his gayest roll is The Nines.

    Any Good – Absolutely – this is better than Black Panther, Infinity War, Wonder Woman and Guardians 2 making it the best superhero movie of the last year. It is so on the money from the first minute to the incredibly funny mid credit scenes. There are countless great pop culture references, superb action sequences and a laugh every 30 seconds. Pure Friday night entertainment, this is what all cinema should be like, just don’t take the kids.

    82/100

  • FILM REVIEW | Avenger: Infinity War

    AVENGERS : INFINITY WAR – 10 years in the making, the culmination of Marvels record-breaking decade. 22 superheroes, the worst baddie of all time in the second most expensive movie in history… and this is just part 1 with part 2 coming next April.

    Nutshell – The ultimate bad guy Thanos has been positioning himself over the last 18 Marvel movies and now he is ready to strike. He needs 6 infinity stones in his glove like gauntlet to rule the entire universe and all that is between him and his dastardly plan is every superhero you can possibly think of. Surely this should be an easy job for our 22 finest lycra clad heroes but no way and they start to get killed off shockingly as this dude is truly unstoppable but which of your fave’s will survive…..you will be shocked and surprised

    Running Time – 149 minutes – PG.

    Tagline – ‘Where will you be when it all ends ?’ – probably in a cinema seat next April for the biggest money making movie in 100 years of cinema.

    The Gay UK Factor – So many fit men in one movie. We are hot for Chris Hemsworth, horny for Chris Patt, want children with Chadwick Boseman, an all-night sex orgy with either Vin Diesel, Bradley Cooper or Idris Elba or preferably altogether and as for that beautiful young ass of Tom Holland… BUT and it’s a big but nothing could prepare us for the arrival of the new masculine furry faced rugged Chris Evans as Captain America – in a movie of 10 out of 10 gay sex objects this guy gets an 11 plus easily… we have not stopped wanking since we saw it and repeat viewings are guaranteed with extra tissues.

    Cast – Start with the list above and then add Robert Downey, Mark Ruffalo, Peter Dinklage, Scarlett Johansson, Tom Hiddleston, Gwyneth Paltrow, Paul Bettany, Don Cheadle, Benicio Del Toro, William Hurt and hundreds more in the most star-studded cast ever put in one movie this is big in every sense of the word.

    Key Player – In a movie of a hundred stars its difficult to pick one but Chis Pratt gets it as he is so damn funny throughout. He gets the best lines and the best action bringing his Quill character from The Guardians Of The Galaxy films to the biggest league ever…hot as hell also. The directing duo of Anthony and Joe Russo deserve much praise as this could have so easily been an indulgent dog’s dinner and it is anything but.

    Budget – $240 Million making it the second most expensive movie in history (Behind a Pirates of The Caribbean) but it made a profit in just 3 days of release with the record-breaking biggest opening ever. The film after one week is in the Top 50 grossing films of all time and the question is how high will it go? The most successful superhero movie ever? Will it topple Titanic and even beat Avatar? One thing’s for sure the second part will do even better – records are not being broken they are being totally destroyed.

    Best Bit – 0.19 mins; The first time the anti-establishment Guardians of the Galaxy meet the cocky as fuck Thor we get very funny wordplay which they keep up throughout. The best action sequence is probably Doctor Strange, Spiderman, Iron Man and The Hulks first battle in downtown New York but basically, there is not a miss-step here…

    Worst Bit – 1.02 mins … except Peter Dinklage’s giant dwarf which just does not work. The best thing from Game Of Thrones is the worst thing here but we forgive him.

    Little Secret – Tom Holland was not allowed to ever see the full script as he revealed far too much about the plot of Spiderman Homecoming previously… naughty boy. This beat all cinema opening records set by the Star Wars films and Jurassic World the only one it did not get was best Worldwide opening which is still held by the Fast And Furious franchise. The end message is ‘Thanos Will Return’ you betcha.

    Further Viewing – All 18 Marvel films including Black Panther, Antman, X-Men etc plus anything from the DC Universe such as Wonder Woman, Batman and Superman. Advance knowledge does help here.

    Any Good – If you like these sort of films you will be in seventh heaven here it’s as great as you expected and hoped for in your wildest dreams. If you are not a Marvel Studio geek then you may struggle here a bit if you have not seen most of the previous movies but sit back and enjoy it anyway. It may to some seem a bit episodic and the action and fight scenes are continuous and unrelenting. It is obvious that this is part one of two but sod it all this is amazing stuff and is a movie that will be talked about for decades. Steal a ticket now for Chris Evan’s hot sexy new look alone

  • FILM REVIEW | Tomb Raider

    TOMB RAIDER – The umpteenth attempt to turn a blockbuster video game into a hit movie. Lara Croft is back for her third cinema outing cue new origin story and then a high octane action-packed trip to a Japanese jungle.


    Nutshell – We meet Lara as a troubled kid in London as a low earning cycling courier mourning the death of her parents and in particular her Dad who went missing on an antiquity hunt. She gets sucked into retracing his steps in the Far East where there are ample bad guys, endless Tomb booby traps and a total bitch of a supernatural being that could destroy the planet. Think Raiders of The Lost Ark with boobs although it does stay closer to the computer games than the Angelina Jolie two attempts.

    Running Time – 118 minutes – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘Her Legend Begins’…..and end with this Box Office

    The Gay UK Factor –  When we meet the bad guys things pick up hugely as each thug following each thug is hornier, sweatier and more muscle-bound than the last. Ok, so they all get dispatched at some point but a conveyor belt of good looking men all of which look like they were born to top, makes things very watchable – think Tinder/Scruff or Grindr the movie version.

    Cast – Alicia Vikander, Dominic West, Derek Jacobi, Kristin Scott Thomas and Daniel Wu so nobody worth getting that excited about or reach for your Fleshjack’s for but it’s the character that will sell the tickets here hopefully.

    Key Player – Core Design the company that 23 years ago designed the Lara Croft character the only computer game to have three movies and the character is also in Guinnesses Book Of Records as the most successful in computer gaming history.

    Budget – $94 Million and it is already suffering with an opening of just 25 Million. Very few movies actually make a loss nowadays with DVD/TV/Streaming/Satellite etc and most importantly the global market especially Asia and with this film set in Japan that is a lock. Sequels though may be in question.

    Best Bit – 0.49 mins; A big action set piece where Lara is escaping the bad guys via some rapids ending up clinging to various parts of an old aircraft that has crashed atop a waterfall. There are four genuine heart in the mouth moments but not a lot comes close in the rest of the movie.

    Worst Bit – 0.01 mins; Purely and simply Alicia Vikander just does not have a lot of presence and is largely unconvincing pulling off all the fights and action later in the movie from no obvious training, background or experience. She is certainly no Angelina Jolie or even Gal Gadot for that matter.

     

    Further Viewing – Lara Crofts 1 and 2, Indiana Jones 1 through 5, Jewel On The Nile but avoid all computer game/movies as from Warcraft to Assassins Creed they are all as much use as those tissues under your bed.

    Any Good – It’s passable without being outstanding. The action story and locations (with South Africa standing in for the Japanese islands) are all decent but whoever did the casting here needs their heads examining. You won’t want your money back but Angelina will hardly be worried about this taking her green T-shirt and twin guns away. It’s borderline whether this will turn into a franchise or not but a sequel will have to up its game.

    Rating – 50% out of 100.