THEGAYUK

Tag: Parenting

All the latest breaking news on parenting. Browse The THEGAYUK’s complete collection of features and commentary on parenting and the LGBT+ community.

  • Barnados Is Seeking Out Gay Parents For Children and Siblings

    Barnardo’s will appeal to the crowds at this weekend’s Pride in London event to find would-be adopters who could offer a loving family for a group of siblings.

    A team of around 40 LGBT staff, volunteers and allies from the children’s charity will join the march through central London on the afternoon of Saturday, June 27, helping to raise awareness that adopters who offer family life to sibling groups can benefit from a wide range of support.

    The parade will run from 12pm to 4pm and will culminate in a celebration at Trafalgar Square where Barnardo’s will have a stall close to the famous Fourth Plinth.

    Volunteers will be at the stall all day talking to Pride supporters about tailoring support to adopters who take on three or more siblings, such as a home extension, financial assistance, a bigger car or help in the home.

    Barnardo’s Chief Executive Javed Khan said: “Barnardo’s has been actively placing children with LGBT adoptive parents for more than 25 years and we are very proud of the contribution they have made in turning around the lives of some of the most vulnerable children in the UK.

    “Pride in London will be another great opportunity for us to talk to potential foster carers and adopters who would like to find out more about offering a loving family to sibling groups.”

    Barnardo’s is working with the charity New Family Social to recruit more adopters to offer siblings a loving family. Siblings on average wait the longest time for a placement.

    Barnardo’s Family Finder Ian Harmer-Draper, who will run the Trafalgar Square stall, said: “As always we’re very proud to take part in Pride in London and stand up for Barnardo’s LGBT staff, carers, adopters and volunteers.

    “It’s also a great opportunity to explain to people who want to adopt that although providing a loving family for a group of three or more siblings can seem daunting, there can be lots of support available to help you make it work.

    “If you are attracted to the idea of a large family but are concerned about coping with the material, financial, practical and emotional impact, you might be surprised by just how much help may be at hand.”

    Call 01206 562438 to book your place(s) at an information meeting that will cover the work of the sibling group initiative.

    To find out more about adoption visit www.barnardos.org.uk/adoption

  • JOURNEY TO FATHERHOOD | The Journey To Become A Father

    “Click”, and with that I had spent twenty thousand dollars.

    But, I didn’t feel anything. Is this what the super-rich feel when they spend twenty thousand dollars, nothing? What if I did it again, would I feel ecstatic, excited at what was about to happen, a sheer sense of relief after all the months of agonising, or just more nothing? I still had four thousand five hundred pounds to spend on the surrogacy agency… At this rate, I might have to spend a lot more money before I felt something. If spending this type of money doesn’t garner a reaction I wondered, how much does?

    The only other time I have spent this sort of money was when I bought my first house and had to put a deposit down. No, hang on, that was the bank of mum and dad, so actually, this is the first time I have spent this kind of money. Which sort of gives you an inkling of the kind of background and money that you need to have, to go through having your own baby as a gay man. It’s a bit like buying a house, except not as easy.

    It all started some three years ago. I had met the love of my life: tall, blond, blue eyes and muscular, in a languid kind of way. In fact, easy on the eye, *Grrr* – if you know what I mean ;o) (Sadly he knew it too…) I’m no looker, so I have to try hard to get a man’s attention. He was easy to get along with and we sort of clicked. We met when I was having the car serviced. Having said hello on Grindr before (this was outside my usual haunts), and with time on my hands, I suggested we had a bite to eat. We started to meet up each weekend, then had the monogamy chat, and the rest, as they say, is history.

    The first time we mentioned children was when we were talking about what we wanted to do with our lives. He wanted to work in finance, as for him it was like playing an instrument, music to his ears. I wanted to reach the top of my profession and one day get into politics. And then the ‘c’ word was mentioned. And what about having a family, children? I think it was me that said it. Lots of my friends agree that I have always talked about becoming a father. Both he and I were brought up in very traditional middle-class families, where, once we grew up, we would: meet a girl, get married, buy a house with a Labrador, park a Volvo in the drive and have 2.4 children. Well, obviously that plan hadn’t worked out for either of us. I had the house, a BMW, no pet, a new partner and was now thinking about children.

    “Yes, I would” he said and we left it at that. I think a gay man’s biological clock does exist, but unlike a woman’s, it is slower and the alarm doesn’t sound until your mid-thirties. I think I only met someone once who was in their twenties, who wanted to have children. It was way off my radar. My twenties I spend shagging, clubbing, being thin, losing my hair, getting more muscular towards thirty and developing a career path. I lived in London, Manchester, Leeds (long summer nights spent in the courtyard next to Queens Court, steadily getting more intoxicated with the growing throng of gay men buzzing in the background, like a flock of birds preening on a South Atlantic Beach), London again, Bristol and the West Country. At the start of my thirties, I settled once more in London. I didn’t have as much sex as some, but perhaps a lot more than others. Now however, in my thirties, what I wanted was changing.

    I didn’t want drink, sex and spending hours in an obligatory circle with friends in the middle of the dance floor till 5am. I wanted more ‘quality of life.’ I had reached a stage, where money wasn’t a struggle and more expensive holidays were the norm. (Think Italy, Barcelona, a Conde Nast Traveler top 100 hotel snuggled in the hills of Gran Canaria, half an hour from Playa Del Ingles.) I wanted to find a community (still do) a bit like Leeds, but down south, where I can pop for a pint after work and not just go through the endless cycle of work, home, bed, work, home, bed.

    We came back from holiday in August and I saw an advert for the ‘Alternative Parenting Show’. I looked it up online and found out that it was at the Grand Connaught Rooms in Covent Garden. So, I suggested that we went along and have a look. Come late September, we headed out one summer Sunday through the tourists at Covent Garden tube, past the Mason’s Hall towards the Grand Connaught Rooms. As we got closer the butterflies in my stomach began to build. Unwanted thoughts started to enter my mind. “Oh no, we’re going to be identified as gay men in the middle of the day, out in the open!” and, “as a gay couple looking to start a family”. It felt like I was 18 and going through the process of coming out all over again. I had goose pimples and felt the hair standing up on my arms and back. As we approached the first step into the Grand Connaught Rooms, my mind shrieked out to, me, ‘run!’ Calm down I thought, I’m a 35 year old gay man and if I’m not old enough now to face life’s challenges, then, when will I be?

    And that was how it started. Having children is a complex business, it is a journey of feeling. Until I started the process, my life was governed by hard fact and judgements based on outcomes. ‘If I want this, what will it cost me, what are the implications, how will this effect where I want to be, how will this affect those around me, what else do I need to do to make sure this happens?’ Thinking about having children, starting the process and getting underway for me, has been unfathomable, as it’s not possible to judge, quantify the impact, people’s reactions, expected financial outcomes when so much emotion is involved.

    In Britain, as an LGBT community, we have attained so much, from equality in the eyes of the law for the age of consent through to marriage. However, the attainment of children and family life as well as established conventional norms, for what it is to be a gay family are still being designed and formed. In the next few issues, I would like to share with you my experience, following my own trail, as a gay man looking to have a baby through surrogacy. I will explore some of the key issues, such as: investigating where to start; the money; family, friends and your community; Health issues; politics and legal issues; and of course, the journey including taking the leap, and the various steps I encounter (sperm donation, choosing an egg donor, choosing the surrogate etc). So follow my experiences in THEGAYUK and on Twitter.

    Next time, I want to take a look at the money. As the Thunderbugs once sang “It’s all about the money, dum, dum, de, de, dum.” At least, it is, to begin with.

     

    Follow Simon’s journey on Twitter @simonxhill

  • COMMENT | Are Gay Dads Being Left Out In The Cold?

    We now have same-sex marriage; a long fought fight to gain the same rights as straight couples and although the law has changed to reflect this, have attitudes actually changed on the ground?

    I am a gay father of a 10-year-old girl and an 8-year-old boy. Whilst I have to say I have not experienced a vast amount of homophobia with the children myself and my partner, there is still a distinct difference being made.

    Book a family ticket at the theatre, a theme park, or any other venue where this is an offering and I can almost guarantee they will expect Mum, Dad and 2.4 children. When you turn up as two Dads with the children there is still an audible gasp of horror that we have the bare-faced cheek to call ourselves “a family”.

    Families nowadays come in all shapes and sizes and having gay parents is just another variation on the theme.

    I have certainly experienced the palpable disgust at two men daring to take children to the theatre and expand their cultural horizons.

    Try taking the children to the park, people still look disapprovingly at the fact there are two men daring to love children and are bringing them up to be respectful, accepting and tolerant individuals, imagine that?

    People are generally not vocal in the presence of the children but I have experienced the shooing of other children away from mine, as if having gay parents may be catching. In fact I wish it was, my children are fully aware of what it means to be gay, lesbian, bi-sexual or transgender. They are not judgemental in anyway and realise every person regardless of their sexual orientation has the right to love another. There are no prejudices in this household. Honesty is the best policy as children are able to fathom a lot more than we tend to give them credit for and look at things with a far more simplistic logic that us as adults seem to have lost.

    Although strides have been made in the acceptance of gay couples, I still feel there is a long way to go for gay parents. Two dads, two kids, two dogs, we are just a family – We can’t all be Elton and David but surely we can all be accepted.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • Top 30 Things That Get Parents Down

    With more children being born and adopted by same-sex couples the top 30 parenting challenges have been revealed.

    Challenges faced by parents are universal from being able to afford everything for your child, a lack of sleep to getting children to eat what you put in front of them.

    Researchers from a new study have found nine in ten parents feel they face a series of challenges to bring up their children every day with having enough money at the top of the list.

    Dealing with tantrums, encouraging children to work hard at school and do their homework and even getting them up in the mornings also rank highly.

    Other hectic events mums and dads face include coping when a child is ill, giving your child what they want without spoiling them and going shopping with the kids in tow.

    A spokeswoman for RESCUE REMEDY, which commissioned the research said, ‘’Everyone faces some challenges in their day-to-day lives, but for parents, these can be more difficult than most.

    ‘’As well as looking after yourself and making sure your day goes to plan, you also have to worry about everything your children do, or perhaps don’t do.

    ‘’Everything from getting them out of bed and to school on time, right though to making sure they eat the right foods and go to sleep at a decent time and without too much drama can make the average day frantic enough.

    ‘’But throw in the challenges which are always there, like money worries or whether you are doing the right thing in the way you bring up your children can mean many parents are often strained or tense.”

    The study of 2,000 parents found having enough money to afford everything that their child asks for is the biggest challenge faced on a daily basis, followed by dealing with a lack of sleep, having patience and encouraging their children to eat their meals.

    Dealing with an ill child came fifth in the poll.

    Keeping on top of the chores, encouraging children to do their homework and work hard at school, dealing with tantrums and getting children out of bed completed the top ten. Other challenges on the list include coping with sibling rivalry, knowing how to answer all of their probing questions and toilet training.

    Childcare features heavily among the list, with finding and juggling childcare as well as trying to work around an ill child in the top 20.

    Other trials faced by parents include managing the school run, getting small children to sleep through the night and dealing with other competitive parents.

    Researchers also found 83 per cent of parents feel they experience something challenging about being a parent every single day.

    And eight in ten admit being a parent is more challenging than they thought it would be, with another 81 per cent believing it’s only going to get more difficult as their children get older.

    But while one in twenty say the newborn and baby stage was the most challenging for them as a parent, a staggering 66 per cent say it’s the teenage years which they found most trying.

    As a result of the daily trials and tribulations parents face, 87 per cent have days where they feel there aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything they need done.

    And almost nine in ten have days where they feel under pressure or strained as they try to juggle everything in their lives.

    Despite 88 per cent wishing they had more time to relax a little, the average parent gets just five-and-a-half hours a week – less than an hour a day – to unwind.

    One in twenty even claims they feel they never get time to truly relax.

    A spokeswoman for RESCUE REMEDY added, “The research revealed an alarming nine out of ten parents face a series of challenges bringing up their child every day.

    “Parents have so many roles and responsibilities to juggle and need to feel that they can accomplish all of these, without the underlying feeling that these can at times be too much to handle.

    “RESCUE is trying to encourage parents to stop and take a moment out of their busy day with RESCUE REMEDY by their side.”

    Top 30 parenting challenges

    1. Being able to afford everything your child needs or wants

    2. Dealing with a lack of sleep

    3. Having patience

    4. Encouraging your child to eat their meals

    5. Dealing with an ill child

    6. Keeping on top of the household chores

    7. Encouraging your children to do all their homework

    8. Encouraging your child to work hard at school

    9. Tantrums

    10. Getting children up in the mornings

    11. Giving your child what they want without spoiling them

    12. Worries about whether you are doing the right thing

    13. Getting your child to eat fruit/veg

    14. Going shopping with children in tow

    15. Getting your child to clean their teeth properly, twice a day

    16. Getting time off work when your children are ill

    17. Encouraging your child to stay in bed at night

    18. Sibling rivalry

    19. Knowing the answer to all of your children’s questions

    20. Finding/juggling childcare

    21. Getting your child dressed in the morning

    22. Getting your baby/child to sleep at night

    23. Getting to work on time after the school run

    24. Getting your children to school on time

    25. Stopping your children from swearing or using bad language

    26. Getting your baby/child to sleep through the night

    27. Toilet training

    28. Tackling bullying

    29. Other competitive parent

    30. Trying to keep your children from spending too much time in front of a computer/TV screens

  • Nikon Knows The Importance Of Connecting With The Gay Community

    The Nikon Camera Corporation has shot a new commercial for its “I Am Generation Image,” campaign featuring an African/American married gay couple Kordale and Kaleb Lewis and their three children, whose morning routine selfie they posted to Instagram went viral overnight last year.

    The morning routine selfie, showing the two fathers styling their two daughters’ hair, garnered thousands of favourites, likes and comments; both positive and negative. Many of the negative comments they received were both homophobic and racist in nature.

    In Nikon’s video, the two fathers explain the background story behind the selfie, and they confidently address the negative comments they received and express what they hope for their children going into the future. This is unquestionably one big happy family as this heartwarming video clearly shows.

  • The Dos And Do Nots Of Being A New Dad

    The Dos And Do Nots Of Being A New Dad

    If you’re a new dad or are planning to start a family soon, it can be a very exciting time.

    the do's and don'ts of being a dad
    © DGLimages Depositphotos

    It is, however, very important that you start to engage your dad mode in the months leading up to being a real daddy. No matter how many fatherhood books or dad guides you read, nobody is ever really fully prepared for what is to come with having a new baby. It is true that much of the enjoyment from parenting is learning from your mistakes, which in turn, makes you an even better parent, but this being said, there are certain things that are better off knowing before you dive head first into parenting.

    Below I have listed 8 top tips regarding the “Dos and Don’ts” of being a first-time daddy:

    Number one, and maybe most importantly, don’t forget to record everything in the early years. I don’t mean buy an expensive video camera and film your little one 24/7, I just mean make a permanent memory of anything that is significant to you, such as first steps, first tooth etc.

    Many dads actually blog about their fatherhood experience, so if you really wanted to document everything about your baby’ first years you could think about writing it all up or video blogging. To get an idea of how it works check out Cisions top UK Daddy Blogs.

    Don’t ever, and I mean ever, change a nappy without suitable protection for both the surroundings and yourself! Babies have a tendency to hold just a little bit of wee in, just to surprise you when you start to change their nappy. So unless you want to be covered in your little one’s urine, I would suggest preparing beforehand.

    This being said, I would recommend taking a nappy changing bag everywhere you go, as you never really know when your little one will need to go! iCandy actually do Man Bags for dads that need something stylish and convenient to carry everything baby related around with them.

    Don’t ever take your eyes off them! This may sound silly, but once they start to crawl they can disappear in a second, so you could quite easily go to make a drink and come back to the baby playing their own game of hide and seek with you.

    Don’t ever wake a sleeping baby. Sleep is massively important to your baby’s development. Plus, I am sure you will realise when you become a full-time daddy that every second of their sleep is precious, due to the fact you get some peace and quiet yourself!

    Don’t turn into a panicked maniac if your little one happens to give themselves a little bump or scrape. By this I mean don’t jump around and create a huge fuss, this is likely to scare your baby even more, and thus the hour long cries begin.

    It is important to remember that even trips and falls go toward a baby’s mental and physical development. I would recommend being much more gentle and trying to calmly sooth your baby and reassure them as much as possible.

    Do make sure you are constantly talking to your baby. It helps them develop in terms of speech, as well as helping to create a bond between your little one and you. WebMD have a really useful article for more information about how to talk to babies and what it does for their development.

    Do set up a daily routine. It is always better, in my opinion, to have a daily routine for you and your baby. It helps your baby feel more stable and secure, and makes your life a whole lot easier, especially if you develop a regular bedtime.

    Do let them explore. I know that many parents are extremely protective which is completely understandable, and normal, however, children, especially at a very young age need to explore the world (maybe just your front room). It is a huge learning curve for babies and massively improves the development of the mind as well as the physical aspect. Just make sure you are keeping an eye on them wherever they happen to wander off too.

    Each of these points are things that I have picked up from my own experience as a dad, however, the last thing I would recommend is finding a suitable balance that is right for yourself. You may find that certain advice doesn’t really suit you, and that is okay. As long as your own techniques are best for your little one, any parenting style is perfect.

    by JAMES P

  • OPINION | Coming Out? Won’t someone think of the parents?

    For a lot of people, even with today’s increasing acceptance of gay men and women, declaring one’s ‘different’ sexuality or ‘coming out’ is difficult and complicated. Society doesn’t expect straight teenagers to stand up and declare they like the opposite sex (i.e. heterosexual) – it’s still normally assumed. But gay teenagers do have to make a public declaration.

    So, accepting that you aren’t the same as your family, and most of your peers, can create emotional turmoil. It takes strength of character to be different. On top of that telling others about this very personal part of you can be uncomfortable.

    As the actor, Ben Whishaw, recently said in an interview with the Sunday Times, “It’s hard to have a conversation with people you’ve known your whole life about a very intimate thing. It’s massively weighted with all sorts of stuff, whatever the wider world is saying… it’s an intimate and private and difficult conversation for most people.”

    For most young adults, gay or straight, talking about sex to their parents is embarrassing. Having the added element of not being of the same sexual persuasion as them is even more challenging no matter what some may believe. Yes, there is an increased awareness and lots of gay soap opera characters and gay celebrities but, if your are heterosexual, finding out that your son or daughter is not of the same sexual inclination as you can take some adjusting.

    Unfortunately, for family and friends, because of this increased awareness, there can be an attitude of ‘just get over it’ or parents should accept you for what you are – if they love you. There is a general expectation that the acceptance of people with different sexual attractions should be easy and almost immediate. But life is really not like that, and for quite a few parents, and family members and friends, a coming out announcement is a challenge.

    A lot of focus, quite rightly, is placed on helping gay individuals who are confused about their feelings. In time most come to accept who they are. Little support, however, is given to parents, siblings and friends. They are expected, almost immediately, to accept a ‘different’ son or daughter to the one they thought they knew – a person that perhaps the coming-out individual has spent years learning to accept.

    Acceptance usually takes time and mistakes are made. Because of this family and friends can suffer feelings of guilt, loss and shame. The fact that these feelings are understandable doesn’t make it easier. Sometimes, because of religious or cultural beliefs that have been part of a parent’s whole life, it can become almost impossible.

    Learning that a child, sibling or friend is gay, lesbian or bisexual can feel like discovering that the person you knew is actually someone different. In fact, a person who has come out hasn’t changed; they are still the person that parents loved and cared for. But they, the parents, have to come to terms with new information about their child. And as they are heterosexual this is an area they have little experience in.

    There may be a sense of mourning for the loss of what society still sees as the ideal – a wedding and grandchildren, or nephews and nieces. There may be guilt – “what did I do wrong and what will the extended family and neighbours think?”. Anger is also not unusual – “How could they deceive me and let me think of a future that wasn’t to be or do things behind my back?”.

    All of these feelings are normal. Sometimes these feelings can be worked through by talking to the son or daughter who has ‘come out’; sometimes talking to others in the same situation can bring about a normality or even a realisation that the end of the world is not actually nigh. In some situations there may be a need to talk to a professional, such as a counsellor, so that one can explore one’s feelings without judgement.

    Remember, few parents are lucky enough to be able to accept the coming-out announcement without confusion and maybe anger. For most it can take time and may be difficult to adjust; but you, as the person who has gone through your own acceptance, has the control. You actually have some idea of what they may be going through too.

    You are the one to help them on the way forward. But you may have to be patient and remember the trip you have travelled to get where you are. Just don’t lose a father or mother, sibling or friend because they have not quite reacted the way you wanted them to. Give them time and remember your learning and acceptance about yourself also wasn’t instant.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • GRANDPA Writes Incredible Letter For His Gay Grandson

    After a mother kicked out her son because he was gay, her father put pen to paper to write this inspiring letter of support for his Grandson.

    In the letter he calls his daughter an ‘abomination’, after she threw her son, Chad, out of her home after he told her that he was gay. The father went on to say:

    ‘The only intelligent thing I heard you saying in all this was that you “didn’t raise your son to be gay” . Of course you didn’t. He was born this way and didn’t choose it any more than being left handed.’

  • British Men Aren’t Happy About Gay Dads

    New research has shown that nearly half of British men aren’t happy about two men being fathers.

    • 47% of men disagree that a gay male couple can do as good a job bringing up children as a man and a woman
    •  70% of women think that two gay males would do a good job.

    New analysis of the British Social Attitudes survey published by NatCen Social Research during gay adoption week reveals that men take a more conservative stance on gay adoption and parenting. 47% of men do not think that a same sex male couple can bring children up as well as male-female couples, while just 30% of women do.

    When it comes to lesbian partners raising children, views are softer, but a gender gap remains; 42% of men doubt same sex female couples’ ability to raise children, in comparison to 27% of women. Men are also more likely to differentiate between gay male and lesbian couples.

    Overall, 35% of all Brits say that lesbian couples cannot bring up children as well as male-female couples, in comparison to 39% of those who doubt gay male couples’ ability.

    Public increasingly open-minded

    Just under half (49%) of Brits agree that gay couples should be allowed to adopt while 44% say that they should not. This represents dramatic change on thirty years ago; in 1983, 8% of the population agreed with gay adoption, while 87% disagreed.

    The analysis also shows strong generational trends, with older people far more likely to be concerned about same sex couples bringing up children:

    • 20% of 17-34 year olds think that same sex male couples can’t bring up children as well as opposite sex couples, in comparison to 57% of the over-55s;
    • · 17% of 17-34 year olds think that lesbian couples can’t bring up children as well as couples of the opposite sex, in comparison to 50% of the over-55s.

    Penny Young, Chief Executive of NatCen Social Research commented:

    “This research shows just how much things have changed, but also that among a large minority traditional perceptions of families remain intact. Although campaigners may well be disheartened by just how much this issue continues to divide the public, there are certainly positives for them to take from this research – the vast generational differences suggest a view on its way out.”

  • INTERVIEW | Dr Daneshmand

    There’s more to Vegas than large hotels, bright lights and 24hr gambling as Dr Daneshmand from The Fertility Center of Las Vegas tells us when we spoke with him this week. Thousands of us are looking to fertility centres to start our own families and if we can fit in a bit of Liza at the LVH (Las Vegas Hotel) in the same day, then why not?

    Having been with my partner now for over nine years the inevitable questions have popped up. Should we get married? If Niall Horan asked me out would I dump you? Do we want kids?

    The latter question got me thinking the most. I like the idea of having children at some point in my life, and it seems I am not the only one. ‘I was one of the key note speakers in a New York city conference called ‘Men Having Babies’, two hundred and fifty male couples were there intending to learn more about surrogacy and parenting’, said Dr Daneshmand.

    ‘In the UK, France and nine states in America where gay marriage is legal, desire for gay couples to come forward has increased. Right now a significant portion of my practice is helping gay couples to become parents. At UCL (University of Central London) where I studied, even 20 years ago, I felt society had to catch up with their views and the stigma they attached. I was a big advocate that a child needs love and it doesn’t matter if you have two dads, two mums, a single mum or a single dad as long as you can provide love to the child.’

    So how does it all work? How do gay men go about having babies? The first step is communication and understanding and Dr Daneshmand seems ready to talk anytime of the day or week. ‘Being thousands of miles away has made no difference for our patients as we’re always there for them. I Skype at weekends, midnight and I’m always available on email. We go over the medical and legal parts of surrogacy and I get an understanding of who they are.’ I asked if he ever took holidays or switched off from his work for a few days. ‘I’d like to be the kind of doctor that I’d like to go to, so no.’ Wouldn’t we all like a doctor like that!

    After learning more about the prospective parents and telling them all about the processes of having a child, it’s then time to find the right egg donor and surrogate mother. ‘All surrogates come from across the US from states which are open to surrogacy like, Nevada, California, Illinois and Oregon’.

    I wondered how a surrogate mother may feel about having a child to hand over to two gay men and if there was ever any refusals. ‘Absolutely there are, but we don’t work with those surrogates. We have a questionnaire which asks “are you willing to work with all couples” if their answer is no, we don’t work with them. It’s something we don’t tolerate in our practice.’

    Once you have your surrogate mother it is then time to sort the legalities of it all. Again Dr Daneshmand is there to help work with the UK and American attorneys to sign all the documents, making it a painless process for the parents to be. Interestingly, ‘It doesn’t require adoption papers as a Pre-Birth Order in states of open surrogacy means the intended parents names are on the birth certificate.’

    We then went into the process of how the child is created. This involves lots of graphic words which I’m sure the doctor will be happy to tell you all about over a cuppa, like he did with me. Lets just say you’ll want to book your flight out there for 7-8 months time. ‘The intended parents usually like to be there for the birth of the child. With in as little as one week you can then travel back to the UK with your new son or daughter.’

    In total, the whole process can take up to a year and a half from first discussions about having a kid to introducing your new child to friends and family. This isn’t the end though. Help and support is always on hand from the “doctor who never sleeps” and once a year a large party is thrown to celebrate the growing numbers of families. ‘Last year we had 1,500 people there and I step back and see all these kids running around and that’s the greatest joy of our profession.’

    Having joined The Fertility Center of Las Vegas 16 years ago, 10 years after the doors first opened by Dr Shapiro, Dr Daneshmand has helped grow its success opening up a second centre in Las Vegas with expansions into LA and Utah coming soon. Invited all over the world to give presentations on IVF treatments and talk about the research both doctors are carrying out, it was a pleasure to chat with a man so genuinely excited to give straight, gay and celebrity, no names were mentioned, the opportunity to have children.

    If you’re thinking about starting your own family or would like to learn more about the process of surrogacy then do visit: fertilitycenterlv.com

    Dr Daneshmand will also be in London on the 3rd November at the Langham Hotel giving free private consultations on egg donation and surrogacy alternatives in the US. If you would like to book a free place then do click here for more details. Langham Hotel Consultations

  • INTERVIEW | Coming Out to the kids – Paul’s Story

    Here at THEGAYUK this month it’s all about Coming Out. We’ve spoken to two parents about their experiences of Coming Out to their children. Both of these parents were concerned about the impact of telling their story on themselves and their family and asked for their identities to be protected. So throughout this article pseudo names are used for both the parents and the children.

    The second is Paul, a 51 years old father from London, England. Paul has two now-adult children his son David, 25 years old and his daughter Janet, 23 years old.

    Tell us, how did you Come Out to your children?

    It’s very complex. My ex-wife, the mother of David and Janet, and I had been unhappy for about 5 years. I had met somebody who at the time was just a friend, but he wasn’t the reason my ex-wife and I separated. It was actually she who said: ‘Look I think it’s time we separated.’

    I didn’t protest too much, as I knew we had both been unhappy, and I had the support of someone else – who happened to be male. I moved out of the family home and went and stayed with him. I rented a home on my own, and we saw more of each other, then a year later we bought a house together. We wanted somewhere big enough for the children to come and stay. It was very important for me that I could see David and Janet.

    The children were gradually introduced to him as a friend. It always crossed my mind – do I tell David and Janet that he was my partner or do we just go on? David and Janet just accepted him and they liked him, they felt included and it felt like a family unit. They were happy because they felt loved and that’s what children want.

    Over time, our circumstances changed, we had a series of stressful events happen to both of us. We lost the house and ended up renting a small house. We just grew apart and eventually split up. I got a lodger in to help pay the rent. This lodger also happened to be gay. He had a boyfriend and all was good.

    Then about a year later, I met this chap who was twenty-seven. I had dated one or two other men before, around my own age, but the lodger didn’t like this chap and tensions resulted in my asking the lodger to leave. I gave him his month’s notice. David at this time was travelling abroad and Janet was at university.

    The lodger left without paying me his final month’s rent, which came as no particular surprise. But then I noticed he’d stolen something – a DVD player. I texted him asking him to return the item but got no reply

    The Police came, took my statement and made contact with the lodger, and it was then that the lodger texted Janet, my daughter, along the lines of:

    “you’ll want to know your dad’s the stereotypical gay, get c*ck at any cost and has had a string of over 60 boyfriends. I would think twice about sleeping under your dad’s roof because he’s a psychopath who’s likely to stab you.”

    The lodger contacted all my friends on Facebook and told them the same things. I had to get a harassment order, but by that time the damage had been done.

    I didn’t know any of this until I got a call from my ex-partner who said: ‘You’ve got a real problem. Janet knows everything.’ The ex-partner explained what had gone on.

    I didn’t have any contact with any of them: David, Janet or my ex-wife for three weeks, it was horrendous. I didn’t know what was going on in their heads. It was awful.

    My ex-wife eventually invited me round to dinner to break the ice; things are much better now.
    What were you worried about before you Came Out?

    The opportunity for me to tell them in my time was taken away from me in really brutal circumstances – and I still feel very bitter when I think about it. I have always been worried that my children may judge me, and that it would somehow make me less of a parent. I had always had a brilliant relationship with both my children, and didn’t want that destroyed.

    How old were your children when you Came Out to them?

    David and Janet were 24 and 22 when my ex-lodger decided to tell them about me. I still haven’t been able to discuss any of this with them.

     

    Has it made you closer to your children?

    I’ve always been a very hands-on dad. When they were younger I was probably the principle parent. I was the one who always went to parents evenings, took them camping, we used to do a huge amount together. We have always been close.

     

    Have any of your children told their friends or partner about your sexuality?

    When Janet told her friends, they were really sweet. A lot of them said: ‘Oh I always knew your dad was gay. Don’t worry about it.’

    David, my son, has gay friends. He’s very non-judgemental.

    I’m very proud of both of them.
    Have they spoke to you about how they felt when you Came Out to them?

    When it all happened Janet was very bitter and angry. She felt I’d lied. She felt that she’d been stuck with this problem while David was travelling.

    Janet has said since that they knew that I was gay, and that my ex-partner and I had been a couple as well. It was the shock in the way that they were told.

    David’s response was very touching and moving. He was still away travelling when it all happened and his response was: ‘Just make sure that dad is happy.’

    David has met my new partner, introduced as a friend. But I have no doubt that he will have put two and two together.

    They’re fine now but we’ve never talked about it properly. I think it will come to a point where I have to talk about it with them. I don’t know what they are thinking and that’s the difficult thing. But they talk a lot about my ex-partner. It’s almost as if they think that that’s acceptable but I’m not sure that anything else is yet.
    Did you access any sources of support before or after Coming Out to them?

    I had two sets of counselling: one from the GP and one from GMI Partnership. GMI Partnership offers sexual health and sexuality counselling and is run by volunteers. I had an amazing woman counsellor there who helped me enormously.

    I still find it difficult at times. I don’t call myself a ‘gay dad.’ I’m just a dad.
    What advice would you give to other parents thinking about Coming Out to their children?

    That’s a really difficult one because everybody’s experience is bound to be different. I still haven’t found my own particular answers.