THEGAYUK

Tag: Surrogacy

All the latest breaking news on surrogacy in the LGBT+ community. Browse The THEGAYUK’s complete collection of features and commentary on surrogacy in the LGBT+ community.

  • Here’s everything LGBT+ couples who are considering surrogacy need to know

    Here’s everything LGBT+ couples who are considering surrogacy need to know

    Surrogacy for LGBT+ couples – What you need to know

    © DGLimages Depositphotos

    For those in the LGBT+ community, creating a family is not straightforward. Biology and the law have to both be considered long before a baby is conceived.

    Surrogacy is now very much de rigueur, and, in the last five years, the UK has seen an exponential increase in the number of Parental Order applications following surrogate births. My firm is only too aware of this, as we have a vast number of clients from the LGBT+ community choosing to start their families through surrogacy.

    The law governing surrogacy dates in part from the 1980s when attitudes towards surrogacy itself, and the LGBT+ community, were vastly different from what they are today. The law reforms announced by the Law Commission and The Scottish Law Commission on 6 June 2019 are therefore very much welcomed by all involved, but particularly by LGBT+ families.

    What are the laws now?

    © DGLimages Depositphotos

    As it stands now, when a child is born through a surrogacy arrangement, whether they are born here in the UK, or abroad, if the intended parents wish to live with the child in the UK, then an application must be made in the UK courts for a Parental Order. The Parental Order will then extinguish the legal status of the birth mother (and her spouse if she has one) and confer legal parentage on the intended parents. Without that order, the birth mother will remain legally responsible for that child. The intended parents, who in reality are the only parents the child knows, have no legal standing to make crucial decisions, such as consent to medical procedures for their child, as they have no Parental Responsibility.

    It will also change the UK birth certificate to ensure that the intended parents’ details are instead recorded.

    In order to be eligible to apply for a Parental Order, at least one of the intended parents must be domiciled in the UK, at least one of the intended parents must have a biological connection to the child, the child must live with the intended parents, they must be over 18, have made the application within 6 months of the child’s birth, have the surrogate’s (and her spouse’s) consent and only reasonable expenses must have been paid to the surrogate. Since January 2019 it is now possible for single people to apply for a Parental Order, but the above criterion must still apply and those separated can utilise recent ground-breaking caselaw, achieved by this firm, that if intended parents are separated an order can still be achieved as ‘living’ together can apply to two homes.

    The glaring fault with the Parental Order process is the requirement to have to apply for it in the first place. From the moment of birth, up until that Order is granted, the child, and the intended parents live in limbo. Speak to any surrogate and they will tell you that they want to carry the child to enable other people (often LGBT+ people), who can’t have a child in the usual way, to have a family. They do not want to be legally responsible for that child, yet the law keeps them entwined despite (usually) no biological connection and no intention to be so responsible. The surrogate bears the child for the intended parents on trust that they will make that application for a Parental Order which will then extinguish her legal responsibilities.

    As for the intended parents, until that Order is made, they are, in the eyes of the law, not legally related to their child. Yet in reality they wanted the child, they love the child and they care for the child. Why should that child, and the intended parents, be in that limbo position? It leaves many risks, that Wills and insurances can mitigate, but the uncertainty of 100% protection during this period is difficult for all the parties.

    Proposed new laws

    The Law Commission and The Scottish Law Commission have recognised this failure and have committed to reforming the law. The consultation into surrogacy law is currently open until September 2019 and their proposals include a new pathway to parenthood which would recognise the intended parents as the legal parents from birth. With the new pathway, the ‘work’ would be done pre-conception. This would include finding the surrogate, medical checks, enhanced criminal records checks, independent legal advice and implications counselling for all parties, then a written surrogacy agreement and an assessment of the welfare of the child. Once the child is born, the intended parents will be the legal parents (without the need to make a court application) subject to the birth mother objecting within a defined period. If the surrogate does object, then the intended parents would need to make an application for a Parental Order in the usual way.

    However, this new pathway would not be applicable to international surrogacy arrangements. Instead, the proposal is that recognition would be on a “country by country” basis and that there should be a streamlining and shortening of the process of obtaining a passport or a visa for the child born overseas so that that process begins before birth.

    These proposed reforms to the current surrogacy legislation have been welcomed by the LGBT+ community as well as by the community of surrogates. The proposed reforms will enable the law to reflect the reality of these new families and ensure that the child is legally protected and cared for by their intended parents from the moment of birth.

    Karen Holden, Founder at A City Law Firm

  • Obituary: Sharon Bottoms Mattes, the woman whose court case changed LGBT+ parenting

    Obituary: Sharon Bottoms Mattes, the woman whose court case changed LGBT+ parenting

    The sad passing of Sharon Bottoms Mattes, 48, in January this year shone a spotlight on LGBT+ rights in the 21st century, and how far attitudes and family law have changed abroad and in the UK.

    jarmoluk / Pixabay

    In what was a terrible example of the injustice to same-sex couples and their children is the American 1994 case involving Mattes, who lost custody of her son after the court ruled that she was an unfit mother because she was in a same-sex relationship. The details of this case are as shocking today as they were at the time.

    In the UK, societal attitudes towards same-sex parents has changed considerably over the past 25 years. Thank goodness, because this has been both to the benefit of couples, children and the emotional welfare of other family members.

    Yet family law is struggling to keep up with what some have deemed to be the ‘modern family’, and unfortunately prejudice and inequality still remains for LGBT+ couples and parents.

    Of course, in the last 25 years so much has changed. Civil partnerships were introduced in 2005. This was followed by same-sex marriage in 2014. This granted the same rights as married heterosexuals. This ended the appalling treatment same-sex couples had received. For those in a civil partnership or same- sex marriage who have a child both parents have parental responsibility. Yet there is still inequality that exists.

    Same-sex married couples, unlike heterosexual spouses are unable to cite adultery as a ground for divorce.

    Since 2005 unmarried couples were given the right to adopt. Equalities legislation passed in 2006 to ensure that there would be no discrimination on the grounds of sexual orientation when going through the adoption process.

    When it comes to surrogacy, same-sex couples can apply for a parental order if they have their child via a surrogate and one parent is genetically related to the child. If couples are not in a civil partnership or married they must be living as partners in an enduring family relationship if they wish to apply jointly.

    Single parents have been able to apply since 3 January 2019. Yet our surrogacy law are dangerously behind when it comes to the needs of modern families, leaving couples vulnerable to exploitation or worse, losing their child.

    It is important that family law keeps up with the needs of families today, and continues to progress so LGBT couples and their families hold equal rights.

    Linda Lamb, Solicitor and Director at LSL Family Law

  • Andy Cohen has become a father and has shared an adorable photo of his son

    The TV star, Andy Cohen has become a father and shared an adorable photo of him and his son, whom he has named Ben.

    Taking to social media, the TV personality Andy Cohen said, “WOW! This is my son” and published a beautiful black and white picture of him alone with his son, whom he has named Benjamin Allen Cohen after his own grandfather, Ben Allen.

    Letting his fans know a little more about his son, Andy revealed that his son was a healthy 9 lbs and 2 ounces and 20 inches long!

    He wrote, “WOW! This is my son, Benjamin Allen Cohen. He is9 lbs 2 ounces !! 20 inches !! Born at 6:35 pm, PT. He is named after my grandfather Ben Allen. I’m in love. And speechless. And eternally grateful to an incredible surrogate. And I’m a dad. Wow”

    Embed from Getty Images

    Andy revealed that he was going to be having a child via surrogate back in December 2018, when he said, “Family means everything to me and having one of my own is something I’ve wanted in my heart for my entire life and while it has taken me longer than most to get there, I cannot wait for what I envision will be my most rewarding chapter yet”.

     

  • Andy Cohen reveals he’s having a baby with a surrogate

    The US talk show host Andy Cohen has revealed that he’s going to be having a baby with a surrogate mother.

    In his latest show, Andy Cohen revealed some very personal, but exciting news that he’s going to be having a baby. He said, “I’ve always tried to be as transparent as possible about my life,

    “I over share and I expect everyone around me to do the same and tonight I want you to be the first to know that after many years of careful deliberation, fair amount of prayers and the benefit of science, if all goes according to plan, in about six weeks time, I’m going to become a father thanks to a wonderful surrogate who is carrying my future.”

    The talk show host didn’t reveal any information about the child’s due date, gender or anything about the child’s surrogate mother.

    Embed from Getty Images

    He continued

    “Family means everything to me and having one of my own is something I’ve wanted in my heart for my entire life and while it has taken me longer than most to get there, I cannot wait for what I envision will be my most rewarding chapter yet,’ he said.

    “To the viewers at home, I call you my friends at home because we are friends. You have supported me through almost 10 years night after night,’ he said.

    “This has been an incredible, joyous journey with you all. I am grateful to live my dream every day and grateful to you for coming along for the ride. I don’t take any of it for granted.”

  • Julie Bindel: Gay men who use surrogacy: “Narcissistic, rich, racist, entitled pricks”

    “There is no ‘right’ to have your own biological child, or to use a poor, desperate woman’s body to carry that child. Narcissistic, rich, racist, entitled pricks”

    Julie Bindel, who writes for the Guardian, and New Statesman has hit out at gay men who use surrogacy to have their own, biological child. The columnist was commenting on an April Fool’s Joke about surrogacy by German LGBT+ website Queer.de.

    The article, which has been apologised for, was a competition to give away an egg donation and to pay for the services of a surrogate mother in Bangkok worth €36,000.

    Bindel has often spoken out about gay men using surrogate mothers in order to have children. In her latest social media outburst, she appeared to call gay men “Narcissistic, rich, racist, entitled pricks”.

    She wrote on Twitter

    “Those of us aware of the human rights abuses involved in surrogacy, or rather womb trafficking, will be very well aware that this so-called April Fools’ Day joke happens in real life, & the attitude is prevalent among gay men who consider it their right 2 use the inside of those women’s bodies for their own inconvenience. There is no ‘right’ to have your own biological child, or to use a poor, desperate woman’s body to carry that child. Narcissistic, rich, racist, entitled pricks:” She then linked to the April Fool’s article by Queer.de.

    When Tom Daley and Dustin Lance Black announced their baby news, Bindel reiterated her stance, saying, “No-one has the ‘right’ to their own biological child. And renting the womb of a desperate women to fulfil a selfish desire is a human rights violation. Surrogacy is the interface between extreme capitalism and patriarchy.”

    However, Bindel’s comments have been blasted as “hate speech” and bigotted.

    Sam Everingham from Families Through Surrogacy criticised the journalist saying,

    “Activist Julie Bindel should be ashamed at the hate speech she has ejected onto Twitter. Ms Bindel has attended a Families Through Surrogacy conference in the UK, so has surely heard both UK and US surrogates speak about their altruistic motives for nurturing a child for a couple who otherwise can’t carry one. Thousands of gay men around the world have embraced the opportunity to create a longed for family of their own via surrogacy and the majority of these have done so in a respectful, carefully planned manner, often establishing ongoing friendships with their surrogate and her family.

    “No, there is no ‘right’ to have your own biological child, but when educated, empowered women in countries like the UK, US, Australia, Canada, Greece and Eastern Europe make informed decisions to carry a baby for a childless couple, bigots such as Ms Bindel have no right to label them ‘poor, desperate women’.

    “The bans on surrogacy for foreigners in Thailand, India, Cambodia and Nepal in recent years seems to have completely escaped Ms Bindel’s notice. Wake up and smell the flowers!”

    THEGAYUK.com reached out to Julie Bindel for comment.

    UPDATE since publishing: Bindel claims not to have received the email sent – and told THEGAYUK.com to “fuck off”.

  • Journey to Fatherhood 9 | Finally a father

    “Under pressure” – that’s how I feel right now.

    What's it like to be a gay dad through surrogacy,
    Finally a father

    The shock and amazement at the birth of my daughter has been replaced by the daily pressure that surrogacy debts, my daughter, my extended family and now my new bf bring to bear. On the face of it, my prospects have never been better and I’ve never been happier until someone brings one of these pressures to bear.

    My daughter was born at the start of December 2017. In my last piece I was worried about hospital bills that hadn’t been (in my view) prepared for, the filming that had caused such a rift with my parents, how I would cope, would my daughter cry continuously, would I get any sleep, and would I be a good father? Thankfully, I spent six weeks attending the NCT course and I am pleased to say that it gave me confidence. (Sadly, I didn’t tell my parents I was going, as they kept on insisting that I go on the course, so I did, but didn’t tell them – a small act of rebellion…)

    The first meeting of the NCT course was a bit terrifying as we were all asked to explain who we were and our situation. I was (understandably) the only single male in a room of male/female couples. But one of my friends had said, ‘tell them everything at once, they will take so long to process it, there will be no time to be nasty’, and he was right. ‘Hi, I’m a single gay man, going through surrogacy in the United States of America, my daughter is due to be born in seven weeks and I will fly out in six weeks time’ and then onto the next couple. I feel warmth towards those on the course with me now. The mothers to be, were all highly protective and this included me and my situation, for which I am very grateful. So, I highly recommend an NCT course if you are expecting a baby.

    On the course we went through birth, labour, what happens, feeding, crying, changing nappies, looking after our own mental health, and settling into a routine. Most importantly it gave me the confidence to accept that I wasn’t going to be the perfect dad, but that I could be the best dad that I am capable of being. It taught me that you can’t make a baby stop crying, start feeding or to go to sleep. It also taught me that provided my daughter had had her nappy changed, was fed, burped and cuddled, then unless she had a temperature and extreme crying, she is good and well and she could happily carry on crying. -My daughter developed this ‘low level’ crying, which I knew meant that everything was okay. I think for the first few weeks she had this low-level crying expressing shock at no longer being in the womb of her tummy mummy.

    I also changed my mind about the filming. I spoke to the film team a couple of times and on the continuing basis of ‘you can tell us not to air this at any time’, we continued to film. I flew out at the end of November and essentially from then through my daughter’s birth, until the day my parents arrived, the film crew filmed everything. We had a fantastic time: BBQ ribs with my surrogate and her family, shopping in Wal-Mart, cruising in a Ford Focus on the Las Vegas strip (!), to dinner at home and going to the doctor and paediatrician consultations. I really got to know the team and I know that they will produce something sympathetic, in-depth and caring, for airing this autumn. I’m really pleased about it.

    Reality struck with my daughter’s birth, apparently (the film crew said) I was a picture of complete shock. I watched my surrogate give birth up close and, thankfully, there were no complications. A painkiller given to injured Marines and an epidural were ‘all’ that was needed and 20 hours after entering the hospital my daughter was born. We did delayed cord clamping, skin-to-skin, gently talking and giving lots of love and attention for my daughter, as she was passed around all present. She was then weighed, washed (“she loves the water, doesn’t she”), measured, reactions checked, and dressed in a tiny nappy and hospital issued baby grow. We were then separated (this was discussed and agreed in advance) from my surrogate and placed in individual close by post-partum rooms.

    I just went with the flow. I didn’t have work to go to, I didn’t have to sleep or have any commitments. The only thing I had to do, was to concentrate on was my daughter. So from that day until I returned to work, it was all about my daughter. I had the light on, in the room we were in at the hospital and at home till I re-started work. So I got used to sleeping with a light on. To begin with, it was: change nappy, feed, burp (after every ounce) and then back to sleep every two hours. Then when my parents arrived, I’d hand my daughter over to them at about 8 am to sleep for two to three hours myself. My parents were anxious but got back into being baby carers quickly. And, this is where my relationship with my parents started to change again…

    My mother had always wanted a daughter and although I am my daughter’s father, there was, has been and continues to be “you must do this”. As I agreed to live under their roof for four months following the birth, it has been what they want most of the time or; we have an argument, my mother cries and eventually concedes. It’s been great having their support, so much so that I am allowed to date someone and go out with him once a week. But, it’s also claustrophobic and in line with my parent’s expectations about how a daughter should be brought up and their needs. So I continue to just go with the flow. I will now be moving out in six week’s time. I am counting the days…

    And this brings me back to pressure. I have a loan, credit card debt in the UK and the States and a further loan from my father. My job pays well, but it’s tight. Also, my father essentially demanded repayment once we had returned to the UK. Unlike a credit card company who e-mails, texts or posts letters to you, dad is there when I get home or at the weekend. Thankfully I’ve reached an arrangement after a heated conversation, but ironically it’s my father, not the bank that is crippling me financially. So, that’s two types of pressure that I am literally living with currently.

    Add to this: pressure at work, which we all experience, to deliver results; and paying attention to, and being a good bf; and strangely, the pressure that my daughter adds is minimal. At three months she has stopped her low-level crying, she smiles and is engaging, she has started to make sounds with her mouth and she sleeps (hallelujah!) from about 10:30 pm to around 6:30 am / 7 am each night. Every fifth or sixth night she will wake at 3 am or 4 am to keep me on my toes, but otherwise, she is (mostly) a real joy to be around. What she really is, is intoxicating. I could and do spend hours cooing, chatting, bouncing and talking to her. So my favourite TV programmes come and go, my PC and tablet computer games barely get a look in, and apart from the pressures, all is going well.

  • OPINION | The “mother” of all questions, who is Tom Daley’s baby’s surrogate mother?

    It’s none of your god-damn business.

    On Valentine’s Day, Tom Daley and husband, Dustin Lance Black announced to the world that they were expecting a baby. The announcement from Dustin (on Instagram – how modern) simply said, “happy valentines, from ours to yours” and included an ultrasound picture of their child.

    It wasn’t long before questions about the child’s mother were being raised, both on social and mainstream media. LBC Radio Tweeted a question on whether it was sinister, while one of its presenters Shelagh Fogarty wrote, “No mention of the womb and the woman or women making this possible. Nice.”

    LBC ended up apologising for the tone of its question and deleting the Tweet.

    Katie Hopkins suggested that the baby was “bought” to fix their marriage…

    Even Richard Littlejohn, Daily Mail columnist whined, “We are not told her identity, where she lives, or even when the baby is due. She is merely the anonymous incubator.

    What an incredibly creepy line of questioning Rich.

    You know what Shelagh, Richard, Katie et al., it’s none of your business who the mother is or indeed whose sperm is used. And you know, it’s not that confusing. There are millions of children in the world without a mother, a father or either, but are raised in a variety of ways. As long as there is love, food, protection, warmth and education children will survive and grow up to be productive members of society.

    Don’t let facts get in the way…

    The simple truth is that we don’t know the facts. You don’t even know the first thing about their relationship. Only what they choose to share.

    Let’s pause for a moment and think about the invasive questions or assumptions being made, especially because these two parents happen to be male. With an opposite-sex couple would you ever dream of asking the parents to be, the intimate conception details – like: Did you use a sperm donor? Did you use IVF? How long did you try?

    Those questions are answers to be offered at the parents’ own will, not questions you have the right to ask.

    You have to ask yourself why on earth do you want to know. How is it going to affect your life? I’d wager… not a dot.

    For all we know, the mother didn’t want to be acknowledged. Maybe she wanted anonymity.

    For all we know, Tom and Dustin aren’t using a surrogate. It could be that they adopted an yet unborn child.

    Stop making your assumptions and just get on with your life.

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • JOURNEY TO FATHERHOOD 8 | Planning to be a single, gay dad

    About a year ago I was approached by a documentary production company, who were producing a documentary on different types of families from the UK, going through the surrogacy process. They had a straight couple, a gay couple and were looking for an individual gay man as well.

    The company asked me to take part. At first, I was like ‘no, not really interested,’ and then when I mentioned it to my project manager he said “well, they can pay a lot of money”. Surrogacy is an expensive business, so I was like ‘okay, for the money’. Time past, I met them and we did some filming, but when it came to the crunch there was no money available – small production company etc… Then my first surrogate and transfers didn’t work out, so the whole thing fizzled out.

    Nine months later, I had a new (and my current) surrogate and was getting ready for the next transfer. The production company contacted me and said, “well things have changed, it would just be about your journey now”. I ignored it for a bit and then thought about it in detail. Obviously, it would expose my child and me to national coverage (it’s for Channel 4), and, potentially lead to ridicule, humiliation and social media trolling (just look at the recent McCain oven chips ad for families, featuring a gay couple part way through). However, I also work in media relations and marketing. Do you know how difficult it is to get coverage or even to get prolonged coverage on an issue? For example, last year I led a big charity campaign on an emotive ongoing issue. We got the TV news, radio, press, and had a launch in the House of Commons. For one day there was a ‘buzz’ and then apart from the charity’s own community, it essentially died away. My own professional experiences like this, built up over many years balance the negatives that spring to mind. Apart from a ‘buzz’ over a day or two, what’s the worse that could happen?

    I guess the realisation for me, is that this isn’t an issue about being on TV, it’s about how you belong to your wider family or friends and the values you jointly hold. To draw a correlation with my own situation, I read somewhere over the last week that the couple in the McCain oven chip ad was now saying “what a mistake it was’ to be involved in the ad”. McCain has stood by the ad, and I agree with McCain. If my charity campaign experience from last year has taught me one thing, it is that too have acceptance in the wider world, an issue must be normalised or ‘everyday,’ and to achieve this, it must be ‘visual’, on TV, on the high street, at school and in workplaces. The McCain ad has helped to normalise surrogacy in my view.

    However, if I was a betting man, I would bet that the couple in the McCain ad were getting the most ‘pain’ from their parents, friends and relatives, not the man down the road or the lady in the supermarket; although the online abuse is what the media has reported about. We can all ignore Facebook, Twitter and Instagram for a couple of weeks, but we can’t run from our parents, relatives or immediate friends. (These are of course assumptions as I haven’t had the opportunity to speak with the McCain ad couple.)

    I draw the correlation with the couple in Manchester because of my own family’s vociferous and I think hysteric reactions to my own filming situation. Again, it comes back to my mother. In part three, I wrote about how my mother reacted, from: “Why do this now, you’re too young” (I was 38 at the time), to a discussion about the baby’s gender, name and how I would cope. In light of this, I approached the filming discussion with her, with a touchy-feely build up. It was no good though. Despite working with the film crew for six months, having recorded video diaries and sense checking with cousins first, the result was more hysteria. Unfortunately, this time we had reached a ‘bridge too far’. Effectively my father told me that I had put their marriage at risk and my brother’s mental health was becoming unmanageable. If I was going to continue agreeing to film, it would be without the support of my parents and brother, and we would stop speaking. No amount of my professional experience or helpful insight from the production crew could change this. I spent two weeks in abject family hell.

    My mother went on about how surrogacy was unnatural and how we couldn’t tell the neighbours. We were going to lie and say that the child’s mum is in the States that we’d gone through a separation and I was left with the child. (Question, which is worse in modern Britain: a child in a single parent family through divorce or through surrogacy? Also, see column seven about what we had agreed.) She said, it would be the talk of the town and that we would be humiliated, abused and shouted at, day-after-day-after-day. And then, how could you raise a baby in that situation? What’s in the best interests of your child? (Well in my opinion, not lying for a start and making everything as normal as possible.)

    My brother was next, but what was worse, was that for him, this was all about me being gay. “You’re not some gay rights warrior, you have no right to raise gay issues on national television, who do you think you are’”.

    I came out at 18. I’ve been humiliated for being gay in an international sales meeting, on the train, at work and in public places. At 20, I ran the LGBT society at university and was a public figurehead at uni for LGBT people and issues. I was an organiser of Yorkshire Pride at 23, and, for virtually every year since 18, I have marched in gay pride parades in London and Birmingham. So yes, I feel an important personal duty about raising gay rights.

    Sadly, the fact of the matter is, that throughout all the filming so far, I’ve barely mentioned the word gay once; because I’m happy that my child will be as a result of surrogacy, but I too was scared to say that I was gay on TV. So, on the one hand, I do everything I think I can, reasonably, to raise and support gay rights, whilst considering the people around me. On the other hand, those I don’t shove it in the face of (my mother and brother), are some of the most vociferous opponents of who I am and what I choose to do with my life. Ultimately I question whether their values and my own match and although outside of being gay our values align pretty much, being gay for me is a fundamental part of who I am.

    “Thinking about my unborn child, who this is most important to, I will be her father. I will try to be a role model, I will look after her, take care of her, indeed devote my life to her. But, that includes the fact that her father is gay.”

    Thinking about my unborn child, who this is most important to, I will be her father. I will try to be a role model, I will look after her, take care of her, indeed devote my life to her. But, that includes the fact that her father is gay. There will be bumps in the road ahead because of this, however discreet I am about it. And, if you think about it, the haters will always hate and even if my child was not born through surrogacy or had a gay dad, other kids may pick on her hair colour, her weight or the way she talks. These are just things that we all have to struggle with in life.

    Which brings me back to my own reasoning for having a family of my own. The most important thing in life is family and friends. So a duty to gay rights and a fundamental part of my life once again must take a hit, so that I continue to belong to my family. In reality, I’m furious, want to scream and shout, because my being gay and my choice to have a family is reluctantly supported by my family. I feel that they have placed their own personal needs before backing me (n.b. what we say to the neighbours).

    The film company has invested time and money, understandably want to continue, but I’ll draw it to a close. The opportunities for both my own life from the pithy 15 minutes of fame, to writing or talking at public events about gay surrogacy, will have to be placed to one side while I shelve this in order to remain part of my family. (My writing name is a pseudonym.)

    As you have probably guessed from the above I am expecting a daughter, so with family and friends, I have been out buying stuff from a ‘travel system’ to clothing, bottles and all sorts of stuff. This has been fun and made things more real.

    Indeed, I now have seven week’s till I fly to the states and eight weeks until my child is born. The flights are booked, an Airbnb condo booked, and my parents (gotta love em) will fly out as well to ‘help’ me for two weeks while we get a birth certificate and passport. I have then agreed to move in with them for three or four months. Now, however, a little part of me desperately wants to move as far away as possible from them and start anew as quickly as possible.  It was my mother’s insistence for a female influence and offers of help that brought me back. Well considering the implications of what I have to deal with, I think three months after we come back to the UK, I’ll want to be at a safe distance from them.

    Finally, I just want to add a note about the NCT course I discussed in my last column. I did get back in touch and the local coordinator was apologetic, so I’ll keep the faith, get over my reluctance and sign up to a course.

  • Time to end the inequalities faced by gay men who want to become fathers

    A new petition has been created on the official UK Parliament website which highlights the inequalities gay men face if they want to have children by surrogacy.

    Time to end the inequalities faced by gay men who want to become fathers

    Surrogacy is an expensive process, particularly for gay men and is difficult to achieve in the UK. Outside the UK, where rules are more relaxed about the advertising for surrogate mothers and payment process, just a quick read of our Journey To Fatherhood columns will show that a hopeful father could be spending over $150,000 in order to find a surrogate to carry a child.

    In the UK it is illegal to advertise for a surrogate and illegal to pay them to carry your child. You can offer to pay “reasonable expenses” however because of these restrictions it can be near impossible to find a partnership.

    Speaking in 2013, an associate from Pinder Reaux told us,

    In the UK, although surrogacy arrangements are permitted by law, it is illegal for a woman to make a profit from offering a surrogacy service. Any such commercial contracts are not legally binding or enforceable and any person, who charges for negotiating a surrogacy arrangement, or advertising such arrangement, will commit a criminal offence under the Surrogacy Arrangements Act 1985. For those who are considering surrogacy, it is therefore imperative to be aware of the law before such time as you engage in the process.

    As well as limiting any payment to ‘reasonable expenses only’ the UK law states that the surrogate woman who gives birth, whether she is genetically related to the child or not, is regarded as the legal mother of the child, with the absolute right to change her mind following the birth (s33 Human Fertilisation and Embryology Act 2008). It is only the subsequent granting of a parental order transferring the legal parentage to the married/unmarried couple which makes the process complete.

    The petition’s creator, Scott McKinnell states,

    “IVF treatment for couples that are unable to have children naturally is a fantastic way to have a precious family. Gay women are also able to have IVF treatment to be able to have a biological family which is also a blessing, but for gay men, there is no way of doing this.

    “Women around the country are happy being surrogates but you are not allowed to advertise this making surrogacy being legal very hard to come by. The greatest gift is a gift of life to someone that cannot produce it”.

     

    If the petition reaches 10,000 signatures by 14th March 2018, the Government will respond to the petition. If it reaches 100,000 the petition will be considered for debate in Parliament.

    To sign the petition visit https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/200291

     

  • JOURNEY TO FATHERHOOD 7: Walking through the woods

    Looking back at what I have published in this column, I realise that it’s now been two years since my first article (2015); and indeed it’s been five years (2012) since I started this process. I can remember being told at the time, “you’re in your mid-thirties (by my mother and others) why can’t you wait till you’re a bit older?” Well, little did I know that it would take five years from when my ex and I started to investigate to actually having a child. On the flip side, ironically, I now have conversations about the discrimination I will face being an older parent, as most new mums are in their 20s and I will be 40.

    So, I am the proud bearer of good news! In my last column I finished by saying that I hope to report back, with news of a successful transfer and indeed I can. It’s not twins, but an embryo transfer took place back in March and having been grown a bit in the laboratory beforehand, the embryo has developed into a foetus. According to my pregnancy app, this week it is the size of a typical chicken breast and about 5oz in weight, developing its fingerprints and has recognisable features. The nervous system is developing and my baby’s ears have developed so that s/he (we don’t know the sex yet) can hear.

    Two weeks ago I sent my surrogate a voucher and a list of classical music to download and play through some tummy speakers. My parents have also recorded nursery rhymes, which we will send to my surrogate shortly. My surrogate, however, enjoys hip hop and rap, so I may well have a MOBO music lover in my son or daughter!

    We are also heading ‘through the woods’, as the first trimester (week 12) completed six weeks ago, and the ultrasound imagery taken at the time suggests no abnormalities of the foetus. I now have an expected date of arrival in early December 2017.

    In some ways I feel really disconnected from the whole process. I am a whole continent away from my surrogate and all of those things (good and bad) that other new dads experience aren’t happening for me. It’s almost like a surreal dream. I speak with my surrogate once a week and we are connected on Facebook, but the emotional build up and the build up with family and friends is not happening for me. So I feel strangely disconnected.

    Part of this disconnection is down to me and my circumstances. The tangled lives that we lead, mean that mine is not as well prepared as it could be. Having agreed not to come out to wider family and in the area where my parents live when I was 18, (I’m only really out in London), my parents and I have been having conversations about how we explain my situation in their local community, to their friends and to my wider family (cousins, aunts, uncles etc). The fear that I feel is immense.

    It’s like I’m coming out all over again. That carefully edited and compartmentalised part of my life which is my parental home environment where I grew up, is suddenly in peril. Here’s my current thinking: Having already come out once and the world is very different from where it was 22 years ago when I was 18, I’ve said: we won’t lie, there is no secret girlfriend in the states, I haven’t been deserted by the mother and I am gay and going through surrogacy. It’s mainly because I can’t lie and build lie upon lie, upon lie. With a child in my arms to care for and look after, it’s too much to think about a back story every time. As a result, this was the topic of some debate for a week or two between me and my parents.

    The West Country is not a liberal place. My local MP voted against gay marriage and only last year I was verbally discriminated against in my workplace in the local office in Reading, because I’m gay. I’m seriously starting to question if moving back here (because of the support of parents and family) will be the right decision. Only at the weekend the daughter of a neighbour talking to one of her friends across the street said, ‘my mum says he’s funny’ and she didn’t say it in a ‘ha ha, he makes me laugh’ kind of way.

    So, I’ve agreed with my parents that following my 40 birthday, I will come out (again!) to my wider family and explain at the same time that I will become a dad. What will be, will be: ‘Que sera sera’. To add to this I need to hold down a job and continue to battle through the surrogacy process.

    Speaking of discrimination one my female friends who strongly supports me, suggested that I contact the National Childbirth Trust ‘The UK’s largest charity for parents’. She had taken ante-natal and parental courses with them and is a huge fan. In this sense I’m like any other parent to be, I know nothing and could do with some help. So I went to the website https://www.nct.org.uk – they advertise stuff like a first 1000 days parent support. I found a course and applied. Within about 15 minutes I had a reply from the local co-ordinator. Bubbly and excited, we exchanged e-mails discussing local courses, costs, etc. Until about the fifth e-mail, “whose your partner?” was the question. ‘Um I don’t have one, I’m a gay dad to be going through surrogacy’.

    The tone of the response was muted and effectively said, ‘I’m not sure that the course we have discussed is right for you. You’re welcome to attend but we think that a one-on-one session in your home would be “what people usually offer”’.

    I noted a change of tone from first person to third person. I have to say I feel really, really let down. Why do I need a special course at home? I’d like to turn up at the course I chose, be welcomed and accepted as a new parent to be. Instead, through the carefully worded language, it’s being suggested that I can join in but it’s better at home because that’s ‘what people usually offer’ – people? Who are ‘people’? I look forward to being continually being discriminated against. I’ve yet to decide if I will try to continue with the NCT.

    In a couple of week’s time, we will start the legal process for a pre-birth order in the states to hand over rights to the baby from the surrogate to me before birth. I now also need to think about writing a Will and engaging a UK solicitor – I have one in mind. I was under the impression that there is now single parent, ‘parental orders’ but having spoken to a friend who is also a single dad he seemed to think that they were not in use yet. A single parent parental order will be much easier than getting an effective legal decision or the onerous journey of adoption.

    That’s my journey to date, I will update you all closer to December.

     

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  • JOURNEY TO FATHERHOOD 6: Back on the straight and narrow road to fatherhood

    My hiatus is over and having wondered into the foothills near the road to becoming a father, I have now returned to the straight and narrow. Recently three things have happened which have had a profound effect on my journey to becoming a father:

    It has now been 13 months since the last embryo transfer with my (now ex-) surrogate failed. I am pleased to be able to report that finally, I have a new surrogate, the paperwork is signed, and we will try for an embryo transfer in March 2017. If successful, it will have been 25 months since I signed the original surrogacy paperwork.

    Secondly, not one but two of my close friends have died, literally a week apart. I went to the first funeral a week ago and will attend the second funeral in two weeks’ time. In my third column, I spoke about the reaction by close family and friends. Well, one of the friends who has now died, was one of the original three who was virulently against my becoming a father. I hadn’t spoken to him for just over a year because of this. I was hoping to re-ignite our friendship (17 years to that time) once a baby was born. I can’t tell you how sad I was and how regretful I am that I had not had the opportunity to make up with him before he died. I sit here now as I write with a heavy heart.

    To balance this, the other friend who has died was very much for me becoming a father. He had a large party when he knew he had a week or two to live, there were over 50 people and it meant that I saw him five days before he died. Again, our friendship had lasted 15 years and I was able to say thank you for the loyalty and happiness that he had brought to my life.

    Following these two deaths, I’ve recently been reflecting on what’s important to me and what sort of person I am. Without the news of the new surrogate signing contracts, I had become very depressed. I still have a good job, a now older BMW, and live in a new house which I have bought (still dreaming of two children). But, my friends’ deaths really made me reflect on what I think is important in life, which remains: family and friends, the people that we surround ourselves with. For me, this continues to justify my reasoning for starting a family.

    Speaking of family and friends, my third profound effect is that having spent Sunday afternoon walking with my mother, as we got to the car, she said to me “and now if you can provide me with a grandson, I will be very happy”. Back in column three, I wrote how my mother reacted one afternoon and ever since it’s been a tricky balancing act to keep mum onside. Gone are the hysterics management and my mother has taken time, but now seems to be coming around to the idea of me having a child. I am very thankful for this.

    I certainly feel that I am ‘paying my dues’. I have kept hold of my job in some tricky situations, started to build a home ready for a child, and am now making financial sacrifices as I start to save £1000 a month, in order to meet the increased costs of the new surrogate. For example, this year I will be 40. When I was 35 I rented a house in Torre Del Lago in Italy and for two weeks friends flew in and out. On my 35th birthday, we ate by the lakeside, followed by open-air opera. Saving a £1000 a month means that I won’t be hiring a house in Italy this year. Instead, I am now on the path laid out by my life coach, £1000 a month for the next year covering surrogacy costs and once a child is born, child care for three or four years.

    I look forward with hope to sharing with you the success of an embryo transfer at the start of April 2017.