This week a reader asks how he might get rid of genital warts, Dr Nitin Shori answers the question.
Dear Doctor
I have genital warts and don’t want to get them frozen off again. Can I get a cream buy one or get one without the doctor having to look?
Liam
Hello Liam
Genital warts are very common in England – second only among sexually transmitted infections (STIs) after chlamydia.
They often appear as small fleshy growths or lumps in the genital or anal areas and are caused by a viral skin infection related to the human papillomavirus (HPV).
While they can look unsightly and can sometimes bleed, they don’t usually cause any real threat to your health.
However, they are a reminder of the need to take adequate precautions against STIs, many of which have very serious health consequences.
As well as being passed on during sexual intercourse, genital warts can also be spread via skin-to-skin contact.
It’s important to understand that a condom won’t always protect you and that it is possible for HPV to be transferred from apparently healthy skin.
As you know, genital warts can be frozen off the skin using a technique called cryotherapy. Medical professionals can also use laser treatments, surgery or trichloroacetic acid (TCA) to remove genital warts.
You’d prefer not to have to see a doctor to have your genital warts removed and you’ll be pleased to learn that prescription liquids and creams could be available for you to use at home if you have been previously diagnosed with genital warts by a doctor.
Following an online consultation, the Pharmacy2U Online Doctor Service could prescribe you with one of a number of creams and liquids used to remove genital warts.
Some work by stimulating the body’s immune system against HPV, while others have a directly toxic effect on the wart itself.
Whatever you choose to do, it’s important to get yourself checked for other STIs if you think there’s a risk that you might have been infected.
A problem shared is a problem halved, so they say…
We’ve a team of wonderful experts who can help you sort out some issues, whether they be sexual, emotional or just general life. So go on, ask away. There’s no judgement, you don’t have to give us your name and it can be completely anonymous.
You will be taken seriously and we will listen.
Maybe… your boyfriend has given you an ultimatum?
What about that weird discharge you’ve been getting?
Have you been feeling unlucky in love?
Is there something you’re afraid of about sex?
Use the form below to get some answers and keep an eye out for our articles.
A reader is finding that their co-workers are misgendering them. The only problem is the reader hasn’t yet spoken up about it yet.
(C) RAWPIXEL.COM / BIGSTOCK
I’m really upset. I’m finding it difficult to face work at the moment. My co-workers keep misgendering me and it’s really upping my anxiety. I would prefer people to refer to me as they, them or their. The only problem is I haven’t found the courage to tell them that’s what I want. I don’t think they’d understand if I tried to explain it. I really can’t face going to work anymore because of it.
Jay, Coventry
Dear Jay,
It’s understandable that you’re upset about your co-workers misgendering you, and of course, that is bound to cause anxiety levels to rise. On the other hand, unless your co-workers are told that you wish to be referred to as they, them or their, they’re not going to know that they are misgendering or upsetting you. Have you spoken to your manager at work?
If your manager is aware of the situation and how you are feeling, they may be able to explain to your colleagues on your behalf that you wish to be referred to as they, them or their. Your manager may also be able to assist you with explaining it to your colleagues yourself if you felt strong enough to do that with support. Either way, try speaking to your manager, or even a trusted colleague, to see what help is available.
A good manager will support you. If you feel unable to speak to anyone at your work, I’d advise contacting your local LGBT+ organisation, if there is one in your area, and finding out what support they’re able to offer. It’s important that you do not continue to suffer in silence if it’s having such a detrimental impact on you.
Have you got a question for our experts? Use the form below to get in touch.
This week a reader asks Dr Dannii Cohen whether he’s really gay, because he likes football and goes on lads’ holidays to Ibiza.
Dear Dannii,
Up until recently I only dated girls, but I’m starting to see guys as quite attractive. My friends would consider me one of the lads – I play football and go on lads’ holidays to Ibiza… I don’t really do stuff that’s usually considered “gay” so I’m not sure. Also, I’m worried that my mates will disown me if I come out. I don’t fancy any of them, but they may think I do and that I’ve been hiding my feelings for them. I know they aren’t particularly gay-friendly. It’s been cause for a bit of banter in the past.
Stephen, Portsmouth
Dear Stephen,
Thank you for writing in. From what you have told me it looks like you could very well be bisexual but focused only on girls in the past because that is ‘the norm’. Before you come out, try to see if your feelings go beyond just being attracted: go to a gay bar and dance with someone, go on dates, kiss a guy. No reason to come out if you don’t know how far your feelings go.
What do you think those special things that are considered ‘gay’ actually are? There is no reason why someone gay or bi could not be ‘one of the lads’ as gay men come in all shapes and forms, but your friends may, of course, have a stereotypical image in their head.
I am not going to lie: it’s hard coming out inside the kind of group you are in, though there have been some surprising success stories over the years.
Do you have a close friend in the group that you trust and feel you can confide in? Or maybe one of them has an open-minded girlfriend you can talk to? Either of them could have your back during a coming out.
If you take the step try to explain that this changes nothing: you’re still the same footballing lad you always were. Try to stay calm and answer any questions as good as you can.
There is no guarantee that everyone will accept you immediately but you will never know if you don’t try. Try doing it on a night when the atmos is great, after a good tryout match for example. If people feel good they are more positively open. Also, try to come out in a safe public space where people are known to intervene if something goes wrong.
Whatever you do: please discover your true feelings before starting a process that’s difficult to reverse. The moment you are secure about who you are is the moment you feel stronger when coming out.
Always with love, Dannii
Got an issue you’d like us to explore fill in the form below.
This week, a reader asks whether he’s at risk of sexual infection after a non-consensual oral sex act. He’s concerned that he might have a sexually transmitted infection.
Dear TGUK
A man recently put their mouth on my penis for a few seconds before I told them to get off. It was not exactly consensual. I have a boyfriend and I am very worried the guy could have passed on an STI to me.
Are the chances of doing so very low seeing as it was only a second or two and it was receptive? Thanks
However, you might be relieved to hear that catching an STI from this brief encounter is low-risk, especially for HIV. However, there are other infections you might want to look out for such as Chlamydia and Gonorrhoea, which can both be passed on by the giver and receiver of oral sex regardless of how long it went on for. Both of those infections can be symptomless, to begin with, so it’s important to get yourself checked out as soon as possible.
If you are worried you should make an appointment to go to a clinic, or just pop along to a walk-in clinic. There are some amazing services – and now, there are even sexual health tests that you can buy online.
According to the specialists at 56 Dean Street, one of the UK’s busiest sexual health clinics, Visiting a sex health clinic is an important part of life. you should try and make regular visits every six months to once a year if you’re sexually active.
So don’t delay in getting a test booked in. The sooner you do, the quicker you can put your mind at rest.
I’m worried that I’m going to be dumped and that I’m not good enough for these two guys I’m seeing. I’m dating two guys who happen to be civilly partnered to each other. They’ve been together for six years.
As a thruple we’ve been together for a year and recently they decided to make our three-way relationship closed – to just the three of us. Which is great. I feel really happy about that. But I’m worried that they’ll get bored of me and want to move on without me. I guess I just feel a little left out on my own. I don’t live with them and although I don’t necessarily want that, I do feel on the outside.
What should I do not to feel on the outside and what do I do if they decide to open up the relationship again – or move on without me?
Tony, Portsmouth
Dear Tony,
What I am going to tell you might not be what you want to hear, but understand this: I only have your best interests at heart.
Even though these men might be nice to you and you probably feel good being part of this thruple, are you sure you want this forever? You say it yourself: they might move on or get bored of it. You are at the mercy of their whims. Where the relationship is concerned they have all the power: years of being together and a civil partnership. The fact that you don’t live with them gives you even less claim on anything concerning emotional ties. This leaves you in a vulnerable position.
In your letter you say that you don’t feel good enough, that is so sad to hear. No-one should be able to make you feel this way. It also sounds as if you are not in love with either of them, but are scared of being alone.
If you feel any doubts maybe it is best to leave now and nd a free single person you can connect with. A person who does not see you as a plaything but as a person to love and cherish. It might be scary at first, but you have to protect yourself from being the one to get hurt, as you inevitably will. If this breaks up they will still have each other and you’ll be alone. You deserve better and it’s out there for you.
Dannii.
If you have a dilemma you’d like Doctor Dannii Cohen to answer use the form below to get in touch
This week, Dannii Cohen answers the fears of a Uni student who has moved into a new home only to find that one of his flatmates is homophobic.
CREDIT: Janeb13 / Pixaby /CC / FILE PHOTO
Dear Dannii,
I’ve just moved to Manchester to start university and rather than stay at the halls of residence I’ve decided to share a house with some people from the course. I know one of the guys already, a good friend who’s straight, but the other two people are new to me.
I’d not yet had chance to come out to the household when one of the guys said something really homophobic, which upset me. Even more upsetting was my friend who knows me also said nothing. I’m not sure what to do as the guy is a lot bigger than I am and I’m not sure how he would take me telling him I’m gay. I don’t want to cause problems in the house as I have signed up for 12 months. What should I do?
Many thanks for helping,
David.
Dear David,
Thank you for writing in. Oh, what a horrible situation and difficult to find yourself in. Feeling unsafe in the place where you are supposed to unwind and study is terrible.
So let’s see what possibilities there are for you: In your letter, you say you don’t want to cause trouble. The thing is: you have every right to speak out. You matter as much as any other person living in that household and deserve to be who you are without fear.
The first point of action should be your friend. Try to get him alone one evening, maybe for drinks, and discuss your feelings. Tell him you feel uncomfortable and what could be done.
This might seem like a very difficult thing to do, but you have to find out if your friend has your back. He either went along with the joke because he didn’t realise how you felt or he might be a different person with his other friends. You have to know this before you talk to anyone else in the house.
When you know this you can sort things out: If your friend has your back you can start talking to the others and get some other people on your side. If this works you might gradually feel better.
If your friend does not have your back or if talking to the group does not resolve anything talk to the teachers and counsellors at school. Maybe there is a place open somewhere else and they can help get you out of the twelve months you signed up to. These are circumstances beyond your control so there has to be a way for you to get out of your contract. No-one should be forced into a situation where they feel uncomfortable or unhappy every day.
If you are out to your family or other friends, maybe they can help you too. Talk to them about it.
Have you made new friends on campus who you think might understand, talk to them too? Even if you are sure they don’t know anything it is always good to talk. And who knows they might surprise you. Create your own network of support.
Remember, if you ever feel unsafe in the house for whatever reason: get out immediately. No point in waiting for something bad to happen.
Always with love, DANNII
Have you got a question for Dannii? Use the form below to get in touch
After only 8 months together a reader is concerned that the romance and sexual attraction has died in the bedroom. We ask three of our writers what they think.
CREDIT: Wavebreak-Media-Ltd-bigstock
Dear TGUK,
We’ve been together for around 8 months now although we had an on/off casual thing for a while before getting together. At first the sex was phenomenal and on a regular basis nearly every time we were together even 2 to 3 times a night. However over the last 3/4 months it has rapidly decreased to nearly nothing.
Since May we have only had sex like maybe 4-6 times and even the odd occasion when it has happened it feels like he’s just not interested and is just doing it for me. So it has been rubbish.
We went on a weekend break away, nice and romantic, had a great time together but he was still just full of excuses whether “I’m too tired” or “I’m bloated” or any one of 146 other things and it’s really getting to me now.
We are intimate and I do feel that he loves me as we still kiss and cuddle and have romantic nights in and out but they just never involve sex anymore.
I’ve tried subtly bringing this up in different ways but nothing seems to work and I just don’t want to seem like a dick by bringing it up abruptly.
Obviously I understand that as a relationship progresses that sexual desire might depreciate a bit but not this dramatically and it went from always to never and has pretty much been that way for months now. Any advice would be appreciated.
JORDAN LOHAN
I’ve personally experienced this situation so feel your pain! And it literally is pain. You may be getting kisses and cuddles but repeatedly being brushed off when it comes to sex is nothing but rejection, and that hurts.
I wouldn’t call you a “dick” for bringing it up abruptly; you would only be mirroring how it felt to you when the sex suddenly died out.
He’s sending out mixed messages and being incredibly controlling by being the one that decides what kind of intimacy you receive and when. Ask him, what does he want from you? Because right now he’s not offering enough to make you happy, feel good about yourself, and feel secure in your relationship, and you should make sure that he knows that in black and white. (Hopefully the thought of losing you will light a fire under his ass and spark the conversation that you both need to have).
DANIEL BROWNE
The so-called honeymoon period of a relationship when you first begin seeing someone can be a truly wonderful period. Whether it’s getting to know your partner’s quirks, excitedly introducing this amazing person to your friends, or all of that rampant sex you have, it’s a lovely time in your relationship. It’s a given that over time that honeymoon period fizzles out a bit, but it’s often replaced by that nice sense of familiarity, which I believe is often a positive thing.
With that familiarity and a deeper, more meaningful relationship often comes the inevitable change of sexual habits, and it’s true to say that sex can sometimes go through a dry patch or period of predictability.
Whatever the reasons are for your partner’s reduced interest in having sex, it is important to raise the issue and try to discuss it with him. By keeping it bottled up and not having an open conversation about your current situation, you risk becoming resentful and that may turn the issue into something bigger. It’s not often an easy subject to talk to your partner about, but communication is key to resolving things.
When talking about your worries around your sex life, perhaps you could take the angle of being concerned about your partner and asking him if he is ok. There could be a number of reasons why he isn’t as interested in sex as he used to be. He may have a lot on his mind or be stressed. He could be depressed or not feeling well. Or it could be possible that he simply has a reduced sex drive. Whatever the reason is, it’s important to be supportive and keep that line of communication open.
The fact that you remain intimate and enjoy kissing and cuddling is a positive, and perhaps that’s a way to begin the conversation; by saying you enjoy the intimacy, but are concerned about the lack of actual sex and wonder if your partner is ok. This will show that you treasure what you have, feel able to talk about your worries, but also that you care about your partner.
There is bound to be a reasonable, understandable explanation for the lack of sexual interest. I hope that by opening up the lines of communication and speaking to each other about the issue, you’re able to overcome it and enjoy a happy sex life once more.
PAUL SZABO
1. Whilst sex is an important part of any relationship, it is not the most important thing.
2. There is a compromise to be had – as both of you need to be happy.
3. Try initiating sex in different ways, or try other things instead of sex – try giving / having a nice massage or have a shower together.
4. Set up a regular date night, where you go out on a romantic date.
5. Try asking him about what he would like to do in the bedroom – he may be gagging to roll around smothered in peanut butter, but is too embarrassed to ask / talk to you about. Have a chat about your fantasies and start to introduce them.
6. If all else fails, you need to have a frank chat with him and say that whilst you appreciate it is not everything, sex is important to you and you would like to share such an intimate and personal thing with him. If you don’t want to blurt it out randomly in the advert break of Coronation Street, then agree a time with him to have a discussion. Don’t frame it as “this is your problem and your fault” – more as “you are really important to me and we need to be honest with each other, because I want this relationship to work”. Don’t make him feel small about it, or have a go at him. Approach it as a joint issue.
7. If you can’t get over this impasse, then you have to think about whether you should continue to be together – it depends on what compromise you can reach and how important sex is to you.
8. Whatever you do, don’t go looking elsewhere for sex behind his back. If you do, you risk losing him all together.
9. If both of you want to be together, but he does not want to increase the amount of sex to a level you want, then give some thought to you both having an open relationship. However, whilst this may suit some people, it does not suit everyone. Set ground rules and agree on things such as whether you will tell each other when, where and with whom, or whether you both agree not to discuss it at all. Open relationships can lead to feelings of anxiety, jealousy, arguments and mistrust – even if you both think that you are happy with it at the outset. If you do decide to go down this route, then always practice safe sex.
Advice and views expressed in this article mustn’t be taken as professional advice. These are the thoughts and experiences of real-life writers and their advice may not work for every person. If you’d like to talk to someone about issues you are facing we wholeheartedly recommend calling Switchboard.
Have you got a dilemma you’d like our writers and experts to answer? Fill in the form below. We won’t share your details with anyone outside THEGAYUK.
This week a reader is trying to keep his marriage together as his husband decides to become a drag queen. Concerned that the relationship is about to fall apart he writes to THEGAYUK’s Dannii Cohen.
I’m a bit lost on what to do. My husband has decided to become a drag queen – and he’s actually become quite well-known in a relatively short time. Problem is that it’s tearing us apart and we never see each other anymore.
We used to have very similar jobs with similar hours – but now he’s always travelling the country and abroad. I’m not jealous of other guys. I know he’s being faithful, but I can’t see this working. He’s changed a lot, personality wise, he’s become a lot more feminine, and I feel him drifting away from me. He’s started talking a lot more about his work, how his drag half is really important to him and that sometimes he just wants to hang about as his drag persona – even when he’s not performing. Could he be wanting to transition?
As I said, I’m just not sure, But I’m really unhappy about the changes, but at the same time I don’t want to throw away 6 years of our relationship.
What should I do?
Dear Reader,
This is an interesting and difficult problem. Not knowing all the details, except for the ones you have given me in your letter it is hard to give you any concrete advice but I will try to.
Has your husband ever shown any interest in drag or transgender issues prior to the last few months? No-one suddenly decides to become a drag artist so it should be something that has been on his mind for a long time, bursting to come out. As this is a big step it is understandable that it brings a lot of changes with it and some might be uncomfortable to his friends and family.
Starting out in drag and sustaining a professional career in it can be very all-consuming so his obsession doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to transition. If you watch documentaries about drag or something like RuPaul’s drag race you can see that to most drag artists it’s their whole life. But not many of the contestants want to be a full-time women. It is just building a character and finding the right look and act that takes a very long time to perfect. Dressing in drag around the house could be part of this: a lot of drag artist do this to keep in touch with the character and make her feel natural to them.
Becoming a little more feminine is only to be expected as over time the character might slip into day life sometimes. Becoming successful relatively quickly might also have something to do with it.
My main suggestion is to talk to your husband: begin by showing an interest in what he does. Compliment his outfits/jokes/characters. Have you seen his act recently? Join him on a few shows that are nearby. If he’s travelling in the weekend, try to join him on a trip. Stay in touch by texting, calling, Skype.
Showing an interest might help both of you as you become more familiar with his life and his act. This will help you get more involved in his new life and over time it might feel less strange to you.
Showing that you are actively trying to understand is especially important because if you were to just out of the blue go: “I feel a bit awkward about this”, or: “are you transgender”, it might come across as hostile or even an attack or insult.
Ask how being a woman makes him feel then, one day ask, as casual as possible if he’d want to be a woman full time.
If he says yes you can make up your mind about the relationship and if you’d want to continue as a couple or remain friends.
If he says no but you still feel unhappy about all the changes, sadly ending the relationship might be best. Always with love, Dannii
This week a nervous reader asks Pharmacy2U’s Medical Director Dr Nitin Shori about some pains he’s been getting in his testes.
Dear TGUK I sometimes get aches in my left ball. I’ve done a check for lumps but haven’t found anything odd – or unusual. There’s been no blood in my pee or cum. The pain is like a dull ache that goes from the bottom of my balls to the pit of my stomach. It doesn’t last very long. Because it doesn’t happen all the time I haven’t been to the doctors about it, but wondering if I should.
Paddy, Dublin
Hi Paddy
Re-occurring pain anywhere is a reason to get checked and you should see your GP for an examination. It could be something entirely benign or something more serious although from what you say you don’t have other symptoms.
These are:
A new hard lump on the testicle
Swelling or enlargement of a testicle
An increase in firmness of a testicle
An unusual difference between one testicle and the other
However there is no harm in being on the safe side and ruling this out by visiting your GP or GUM clinic and if it is anything serious, the earlier it’s caught the more effective the treatment. If you get a significant acute pain that persists in either your testicle or abdomen, you should see your doctor for urgent review.
The advice listed above is not intended to replace or take the place of that of your own doctor, GP or medical professional who knows your full medical history. If in any doubt make an appointment with your doctor as soon as possible.
This week a concerned reader is worried that one of his balls is hanging lower than the other. Medical Director from Pharmacy2U, Dr Nitin Shori, takes a look at what could be wrong.
Dear TGUK I’ve got one ball hanging lower than the other – I’ve not noticed whether other guys are the same, because our school has separate shower cubicles – so I don’t know – and I’m still a virgin. Is there something wrong with me? Should one ball hang lower than the other, I’m quite worried about it.
John, 15, Glasgow
Dear John,
It’s quite common for one testicle to be bigger than the other and also for one testicle to hang lower than the other one.
You’re 15 as well and males go through puberty between 12 and 16, reaching full physical maturity at around 18, so it may also be that you’re still developing.
In any case, it’s normal to feel a bit anxious and unsure of what is and isn’t ‘normal’ while you’re growing and your body is changing.
Testicles should feel smooth, without any lumps or bumps, and firm but not hard. You may feel a soft tube at the back of each testicle, which is called the epididymis.
What we advise men to look out for is changes in their testicles such as swellings, lumps or bumps that weren’t there before as this can be a sign of testicular cancer and this is why doctors advise you to check your testicles regularly.
If you’re still concerned and want to talk to someone confidentially, then your GP is a good starting point.
We’ve teamed up with the UK’s leading online pharmacy, Pharmacy2U, to answer all your health and sexual questions.
The advice listed above is not intended to replace or take the place of that of your own doctor, GP or medical professional who knows your full medical history. If in any doubt make an appointment with your doctor as soon as possible.
