THEGAYUK

Category: Dilemmas

  • ADVICE | Does PrEP stop you getting HIV? Where can I get it from?

    This week a reader asks about PrEP, what it does, where to get it and if it’s available on the NHS.

    Does PrEP stop you getting HIV? Where can I get it from?

    Pharmacy2U’s Clinical Governance Pharmacist Phil Day answers the PrEP question.

     

    Dear TGUK

    I’ve heard that there’s a drug that can stop me from getting HIV – Where can I get this? Is it available on the NHS?
     
    I’ve been using condoms but sometimes it can really kill the moment. I wanted to know if there’s an easier way to protect myself.

    Tom

     

    Dear Tom,

    While advances in medicine mean that most people living with HIV are now unlikely to contract AIDS, you should still always wear a condom. They also provide protection against a number of other Sexually Transmitted Diseases, including chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis.

    In fact, there’s been a rise in sexually transmitted diseases for the first time in decades because many people are ignoring advice on wearing a condom.

    Have you tried experimenting with some different rubbers and lubes? There’s a vast choice and manufacturers have invested millions into making condoms that can actually enhance your fun as well as protect you.  If you’re shy, there’s a great range online as well as in the shops.

    You can always put a condom on in advance if you think you’re going to have sex so that it doesn’t interrupt proceedings, or make it part of the sex session by putting them on each other. It’s also wise to use them if you’re just sticking to oral sex.

    But to answer your question on Pre-exposure prophylaxis, or PrEP, it is a drug treatment protocol using a prescription medicine called Truvada, and has been shown in a recent trial to be highly effective in preventing HIV in gay and bisexual men, when taken daily and used in combination with other infection prevention measures.

    Truvada contains two medicines (tenofovir and emtricitabine) and is already routinely used in combination with other medicines to treat existing HIV infection.

    The US Food and Drug Administration has approved Truvada’s use by people at very high risk of HIV infection. Despite trials of Truvada in a number of cities, the NHS is not currently planning to make PrEP available on prescription in the UK, leading to anger and frustration among campaigners.

    Truvada is available from a small number of private clinics in the UK and is expensive. People should only ever take medicines prescribed by a UK-registered GP and dispensed by a UK-registered pharmacy.

    Did you know you can order an at-home HIV test online?  Click here to buy one

     

    The advice given in this article is for guidance only and you should always seek your own independent, professional medical advice from your own GP if you are concerned about your health.  

    OTHER QUESTIONS: HIV | WILLY WONDERS | HOLES | DOING IT | STIs | LUMPS & BUMPS | BACK TO SEX CLINIC HOME PAGE

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  • DILEMMA | My straight, married builder boss just came on to me

    This week a forum user asks what he should do about his seemingly straight, married builder boss, who winked at him in a meeting…

    © Aisyaqilumar / Depositphotos
    © Aisyaqilumar / Depositphotos

    I work in the trade and it usually means working along side may other trade guys on different sites. The last site I was on there was a site manager, older mature butch muscly bloke (late 40s), ex army/marine, I know he’s married and has kids.

    During a meeting between 4 other work mates, I kept catching him looking at me. Then about half way through the meeting while other guys were discussing things, he looks at me, WINKS(!), and then smiles! It took me by surprise.

    The big question is: WTF do I do? I don’t want to confront him and give away I’m gay, and find out he’s not. Maybe the wink meant something else? If so, then what!? Or is a wink some secret “gay trade code” that I’m completely unaware of?

    Yea I fancy him. Even though he’s married I would not say no. I’d love to have a go with him but just not sure how to test the water without giving too much away?

    by Kitsocks

     

    ALSO READ: Ray the famous gay builder gets married

    ALSO READ: Dilemma: My straight mate keeps coming on to me

     

    Dear Kitsocks,

    This is an interesting dilemma. First things first though: why do you think being an ex army/marine type would prohibit someone from being gay? There are many ways to be gay and you’d be surprised how many super masculine power jocks are part of the rainbow nation.

    What I am wondering is: do you really want to take on the responsibility of loving a married gay man? There will be many problems and dramas you will have to deal with and it could become painful in the future. Make sure you think about the pros and cons before doing anything.

    If you are certain about wanting this man, let’s look at the evidence you’ve given us.

    That wink definitely meant something, no-one winks at another person without a deeper intention behind it. Of course it could also mean he recognised you were bored of the meeting too, or sharing joke. But that too could mean he was reaching out for something deeper. But if it’s friendship or love you will have to find out for yourself.

    From what I gather you are not out at work and want to keep it that way. This means you have to get him alone outside of work. As he is married and very outwardly macho he might have build a few fences around his sexuality so don’t immediately bombard him with the “do you fancy me” question. Try becoming friends first, see how he acts around you. Make some small talk, see what you have in common. Go to the gym together, go for a few drinks and then, after a few dates, drop some small hints.
    If he picks up on them: bingo! If he ignores them, at-least you have a new friend.

    A warning: if you don’t like taking it slow and want to get there fast, always ask the question in a public place maybe with a friend present in the vicinity just to be on the safe side.

    Always with love,

    Dannii

    The advice above has been given by our community of writers who have drawn from experiences in their own lives and is should not be considered as professional advice.

    Have you got a dilemma you’d like us to answer? Click here to visit our dilemmas page.

  • ADVICE | I’m cumming too quickly what can I do?

    This week a reader asks what he can do to stop ejaculating too quickly. Pharmacy2U’s Clinical Governance Pharmacist Phil Day answers his question.

    I'm cumming too quickly what can I do?

     

    Dear Phil,

    I’ve a bit of an embarrassing question. I cum way too quickly. I’ve been with my boyfriend now for six months and we’ve got a great sex life, in fact it’s a bit too good.  I just can’t last.
     
    Literally I last two minutes tops. We have a fair bit of foreplay and I do get a bit close, but always stop, before I climax – however when it comes to the penetration bit I can’t last at all.
     
    Is there a way I can make myself last longer?

    John, Hull

     

    Dear John,

    This really isn’t anything to be embarrassed about. In fact, one in three men say they have suffered from premature ejaculation at some point.

    Despite what blokes say in the pub, the average length of time from the moment of penetration to orgasm is shorter than you might think. We all need to be a bit more realistic about how long we can keep going.

    One of the key things to understand when finding the fix for you is whether this is a temporary problem or something you have suffered from with other partners as well

    There can be underlying physical problems, as well as mental health issues such as anxiety and stress, that can cause it. Some doctors also reckon there are men who have unusually sensitive penises.

    There are a few things you can try, such as masturbating an hour or two before you think you’re going to have sex.

    Also, try taking deep breaths when you’re on the verge of ejaculating as that briefly shuts down the ejaculatory reflex (an automatic reflex of the body during which ejaculation occurs).

    Use positions where you or your partner can pull out easily and quickly if the act of penetration is too stimulating.

    Many sex therapists recommend adopting a ‘stop-start’ technique entailing taking breaks during sex and thinking about something bland and boring.

    Pharmacies also stock a number of over the counter and prescription-only products that could help you too, including thick condoms and desensitising sprays.

    Medication in the form of tablets is also available to treat premature ejaculation in men who experience this regularly and where it causes distress, and is usually taken one to three hours before having sex. You will need a prescription, which can be obtained from your own doctor or through a private consultation with an online GP.

     

    The advice listed above is not intended to replace or take the place of that of your own doctor, GP or medical professional who knows your full medical history. If in any doubt make an appointment with your doctor as soon as possible.

     

    OTHER QUESTIONS: HIV | WILLY WONDERS | HOLES | DOING IT | STIs | LUMPS & BUMPS | BACK TO SEX CLINIC HOME PAGE

     

    Got a problem you’d like advice on?

  • ADVICE | Will They Stick Things Down My Pee Hole?

    This week a reader is considering going to his first sexual health check up and is concerned they’ll put something down his urethra.

    Will They Stick Things Down My Pee Hole?

    Dear Team

    I’m thinking about going for a check up but I’m worried about things being stuck down my dick, I’ve heard that sometimes you use like an umbrella type device to check for infections… Is that right?

    John

     

    Dear John,
    Thanks for your question. The good news is that you won’t find the umbrella swab in a sexual health clinic…
    If you have no symptoms it’s just a urine test (throat and rectal swabs also for gay men). If you have symptoms we may need to take a tiny swab for the urethra.

    This isn’t painful just uncomfortable. But if you’ve got no symptoms then we just need a sample of pee.
    The staff are super friendly too so if there is anything you don’t want or are worried about just say.

    Jake + Jenna from 56 Dean Street

    OTHER QUESTIONS: HIV | WILLY WONDERS | HOLES | DOING IT | STIs | LUMPS & BUMPS | BACK TO SEX CLINIC HOME PAGE

     

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  • DILEMMAS | I’m Dating A Bisexual Guy Who Doesn’t Want Sex

    DILEMMAS | I’m Dating A Bisexual Guy Who Doesn’t Want Sex

    This week a reader asks what he should do about a new relationship he’s in with a bi guy, who doesn’t seem to want to have sex.

     

    CREDIT: Wavebreak Media Ltd bigstock
    CREDIT: Wavebreak Media Ltd bigstock

    Dear TGUK,

    I’ve started seeing a guy who says he’s bisexual. He’s not out to his family or anyone else. We met via an app. We’ve been dating, I guess around 2 months.

    He came out of a relationship with a girl around 6 months ago and says he wants to now be with a guy.
    Although we’ve spent time together and had a few dates, he doesn’t want to stay the night with me or it seems have sex although he tells me he’s not seeing anyone else – man or woman. I’ve not pressured him, and I tell him when he’s ready I’m here.

    I’m not sure what to do? Any advice?

    Thanks, Tony

     

    Simon Hill, Author of Journey To Fatherhood

    “Work Out A Compromise”

    You’re not very clear about what you want. Half the struggle in relationships is about being able to clearly express what you want in an open, thoughtful and non-judgmental manner. One of my friends had a boyfriend for 10 years. After four years he felt it was time for them to live together, but he didn’t push it. Six years later (and after ten years in total), he finally ‘laid it on the line’ and the relationship ended. You have to tell your date in a timely fashion what’s important to you and then work out what compromise (if any, depending on level of importance) you can be happy with.

     

    Alex DaSilva, Birmingham Correspondent

    “Don’t let it be something that you lose control over…”

    It’s very commendable that you’re allowing him space and the chance to ‘self-discover’ while you’re there to support him. You say it’s been two months of dating, and therefore it is very natural that you want to progress with him further, which of course means intimacy. At this stage, you may want to talk about your feelings a little more and hint you are ready for the next stage. Or have an open discussion about what he would like to do if you were to have sex.

    It is exciting, and of course for some, a turn on when you meet a guy who has recently come out or has been with girls in the past, it seems to be an attractive feature that some gay men seek or are excited by. Just don’t let it be something that you lose control over, and only accommodates his needs; he needs to accommodate yours, and two months is a great time to do so.

    Shuggie Hughes, Coventry

    “The key to good sex is communication”

    It sounds to me that this guy may not be very experienced in having sex with another guy. On this basis you may have to give him time to explore this aspect of his sexuality. If you think there is mileage in the relationship bear with him but ask! The key to good sex is communication and it may be he is unsure what to do, how to do it. This could be an opportunity for you both to discover some amazing sex. If you don’t talk about though it will never happen.

     

     

    Andy Elliot Griffith, Shrewsbury,

    “Move on before feelings become too strong.”

    It’s nice that you’re not pressuring him into anything, because this may well be his first same-sex experience and he could be either nervous or unsure how to proceed. However if he isn’t willing to put in the effort in the relationship, he could very  be on the rebound from his previous relationship, having started dating you only 4 months after. Give it another month, if nothing changes, move on before feelings become too strong.

     

    Paul Nicholls-Whiteman, Brighton

    “When in doubt, don’t”

    ‘When in doubt, don’t’. I have lived by that ever since and it has indeed seen me right in so many things.

    It seems to me that this guy doesn’t really know what he wants so are you becoming his counsellor? It seems he has an awful lot of issues to deal with and I am not sure if this is really what you want.

    You seem to be happy within yourself, you seem to know what you want. Re-read your question if you can answer this to yourself honestly you have your answer. I wish you well.

     

    Daniel Browne, Founder Of Warwickshire Pride

    “See how he feels about having sex with another man”

    It sounds to me like the person you’re dating is still coming to terms with his sexuality. If he has been in the closet previous to dating you, he may now only be beginning to feel comfortable with who he is. It can be a lengthy (and frustrating) process, but there are things you can do to help. It’s great that you’ve not pressured him and let him know that you are there when he is ready to take the next step. It might be worth sitting down with him to talk about how he feels about having sex with another man. He may not have done it before, so could be feeling apprehensive or even scared. You may be able to help alleviate that though. It sounds like you’ve been supportive so far. You should continue that track.

     

    ALSO READ: Dilemmas | Should I Sleep With My Ex’s Brother?

    ASLO READ: Dilemmas My Straight Mate Keeps Coming On To Me

     

    Have you got a dilemma you’d like us to answer? Click here to visit our dilemmas page.

     

  • ADVICE | I’m Finding It Hard To Get A Hard On

    This week a reader confides that he finds it hard to get a hard on.

    I'm Finding It Hard To Get A Hard On

    Dear TGUK
    I’m finding it hard to get a hard on, what can I do?
    Jeff

     

    Dear Jeff
    First of all, don’t give yourself a hard time about not being able to get a hard on. It happens to the best of us at the worst of times – and stressing about it can actually make the situation worse. So take a moment and breathe.

    It sounds as though you’re suffering from erectile dysfunction (ED). Lots of things can cause ED; from being too stressed out at work to money worries. Even lifestyle choices such as too much alcohol or drug taking can hinder a strong erection.

    Also, you don’t say, but if you’re on any kind of prescribed medication you might want to check and see if any side effects listed by the meds, include ED. Do not come off any prescribed meds with out talking to your GP first.

    There are a variety of things you can do to try to get your little Mr back up and working again, but first of all, see whether you can get an erection when you’re by yourself – or during your sleep.

    There’s a very simple test to see whether you get erections during your sleep. One of the tests is the famous stamp test. If you can still get a row of stamps that are joined by a perforated edge you can perform this in the comfort of your own home.

    Before you go to bed put a row of four or five joined stamps around the shaft of your flaccid penis and seal by moistening the two ends together. If any of the perforations between the stamps is broken in the morning you’ll know that you are getting nocturnal erections, because your enlarged penis will naturally break the perforations between the stamps. This test can help you rule out a more serious erectile dysfunction, because you know that you can physically have an erection.

    If this is the case take a look at external factors such as your work load or your alcohol consumption. As frustrated as you might be, you just might need to take your time with this.

    If you don’t break the perforations, then you might consider getting an appointment with your GP, who should be able to help you find a medical solution.

    There are a number of other at home tests you can do like the Rigiscan and The Penile Plethysmograph.

    You could try Viagra or a herbal supplement available in Holland and Barratt called Horny Goatweed.

    If your problem is being caused by wearing condoms then you can get in touch with the Terrence Higgins Trust. They can actually send you a variety, for free, to check out which ones work for you.

    If you would like condoms then contact Joe Perez at THT, jose.perezdelacruz@tht.org.uk

    It’s important not to let this ruin your sex life – there are many options available to you – and you can even have sex without having a full erection or taking the pressure off yourself by focusing on your partner rather than your erection.

    Talking your issues over with your partner may also help as well. It’s important to keep communication open between partners if you’re going through a tough time.

    Wish you will Jeff and keep in touch to let us know how you’re getting on.

     

    ALSO READ: How to last longer in bed. 10 tips for you to try and extend your staying power.

    ALSO READ: Why does my foreskin smell?

    ALSO READ: Feed Your Penis – some power packed recipes to help your stamina and erections strength!

     

    OTHER QUESTIONS: HIV | WILLY WONDERS | HOLES | DOING IT | STIs | LUMPS & BUMPS | BACK TO SEX CLINIC HOME PAGE

     

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  • DILEMMA | Should I Sleep With My Ex’s Brother?

    DILEMMA | Should I Sleep With My Ex’s Brother?

    Dear Uncle

    I’ve been flirting with my ex’s brother for a few weeks via Grindr after my ex and I broke up about a month ago. I caught him cheating on me with some guys. We were together for 2 years and were about to move in with each other.

    I’m heartbroken by it, but also infuriated and feel like he needs to be taught a lesson. I’ve been chatting with his brother who is also gay and he seems to be fairly up for a meet and muck about… He knows that we’ve split. 

    So I’m wondering if its okay to have a bit of fun?

    Tom, Mablethorpe

    Simon Hill, Author of Journey to Fatherhood

    In a word ‘No’. Not because its the right or wrong thing to do, but because your not thinking about what’s best for yourself. The saying goes ‘all’s fair in love and war’ and sleeping with your brothers ex would be just as fair as everything that has gone before. Actually you don’t want anymore to do with either of them. You need to accept your pain, release it through crying, getting drunk with friends and maybe a one night stand with a stranger – anyone but your ex and his brother – then to rebuild yourself over time.

    Andy Elliot Griffith, Columnist

    If you want to deal with the consequences of this, then, by all means, go ahead, but the reasoning behind wanting to do it is at the very least petty, and at the most vindictive. You obviously aren’t interested in your ex’s brother, you just want to use it as revenge and that is not good. Your ex’s brother is also not the best person, for willing to meet up and “muck about” He’s probably being spiteful towards his brother. It’s not worth causing a rift in the family because you were hurt by your ex’s behaviour. Avoid like the plague!

    Paul Nicholls-Whiteman, Columnist

    Am I getting tit for tat here?  You’ve split up and now you’re trying to date his brother?

    It sucks when a relationship ends and it seems that you were so close to setting up house but better you know now rather than later, so you’ve had a lucky escape. I get that this has really hurt you but there is something called Karma.  What goes around comes around and all you need to do for that is let things work themselves out.

    Dating his brother isn’t very cool.  You would still be close to your ex or is that you want?  Would you get back with him?  Time to move forwards completely and seek out new men.  Give yourself time.  Get to know and love you because if you can’t love yourself how in the hell you going to love someone else!

    I wish you well.

    Dan Browne, Runs LGBT Support Charity In Warwickshire

    I’m going to get straight to the point here. It sounds like your intentions for having sex with your ex-partner’s brother are completely inappropriate. Do you want to be that bitter person who takes revenge but probably ends up being more upset afterwards? You also need to consider how it may affect your ex-partner’s relationship with his brother. Your ex may have hurt you, but that doesn’t give you the right to be so destructive in your revenge. My advice to you is to stop chatting to your ex-partner’s brother, take some time out to get over the split, and then get yourself back out there to find someone new who preferably isn’t related to your ex. The alternative is letting bitterness consume you.

  • DILEMMA | My Straight Mate Keeps Coming On To Me

    This week a reader asks what he should do about a straight mate who keeps coming on to him. We asked our community of writers what they thought.

    CREDIT: © gstockstudio
    CREDIT: © gstockstudio

    Dear TGUK

    My straight work mate keeps coming on to me… We’ve been hanging around lots and lots and he’s actually pretty cool with me being gay and is often flirty. He was one of the first people I came out to at work. We’ve worked together for over 5 years.

    At first it was all in good jest and his flirting just made me laugh, but now it’s starting to actually turn me on and is making me question whether he’s gay or bi? 

     We’ve been spending more and more time together and we’re planning a lads’ weekend away, which we’ve done before – nothing happened, but I’m wondering whether I should make a move – or ask him whether he actually likes me. He has a girlfriend and she’s a good friend too.

     I’m worried if I make a come on and goes wrong it’ll ruin our friendship…

    What do you think?

    S, Johnson, Wiltshire

     

    Jordan Lohan, Hove

    This could go hideously wrong. As attractive and hot an idea it is to get with the straight / not so straight boy, you have your friendship and his girlfriend’s heart hovering above the shitter. Enjoy the fact that he is comfortable enough with you, and his own sexuality to be flirty. Making a move or potentially having sex will complicate EVERYTHING, think of the atmosphere at work- you don’t need that- so don’t mess this up, buttercup. If your feelings are starting to go a little deeper than just fantasising, then you’re going have to suss out if you can actually manage a friendship with him without anyone getting hurt. I would suggest you perhaps opt out of this particular weekend away while you figure stuff out.

     

    Stuart Bird, Surrey

    Dear Confused

    You have answered your own question over his sexuality. You’ve been away before and nothing happened. It could be that he is just very comfortable with himself to be as comfortable with who you are. These men do exist. By coming onto him you push the boundaries of your friendship to another level. If he isn’t gay or bi then you risk a lot more than losing a friend. Work will be disrupted; your friendship will also be lost with the girlfriend.

    Tell him you fancy him. Compliments are easier to wiggle out of than coming on. I was going to say go for the easy option and not go on the lads’ weekend and start pulling yourself away. Be prepared for a possible change in your relationship if you do confess. He may become guarded around you and the flirtations stop but it will put your mind at ease as to where you stand. However if he values you for who you are he will take it as a compliment, flirt more and make your life a comfortable hell of fun.

    What makes this even harder though is that he won’t be the only straight man in the world you’ll fall in love with. One day you will cheat on your pretend boyfriend.

     

    ALSO READ: Dilemmas | I’m Afraid I’ll Be Left Alone

     

    Paul Nicholls-Whiteman, Brighton

    I have by a simple few words in life. These have stood me in great stead and I found it useful.

    If you don’t ask you don’t get.

    Apply this to your ‘could he be bi and coming onto me’.

    You also say he has a girlfriend and that they are your friends so if you just assume his sexuality you could lose big time.

    By being upfront and honest with him you’ll still keep your friendship in tact.

     

    The advice above has been given by our community of writers who have drawn from experiences in their own lives and is should not be considered as professional advice.

    Have you got a dilemma you’d like our writers and experts to answer? We won’t share your details with anyone outside THEGAYUK.

     Have you got a dilemma you’d like us to answer? Click here to visit our dilemmas page.

  • DILEMMAS | I’m Afraid I’ll Be Left Alone

    DILEMMAS | I’m Afraid I’ll Be Left Alone

    This week we help answer a reader’s worries about the dating scene and fears of being left behind.

    CREDIT: Ocus Focus / Bigstock

    Dear Dilemmas

    I’ve been single for so long and I really hate it. All my friends have partners or are married and I’m starting to feel like I’m the only one without someone.

    I live in a small town and there is no gay scene locally, so this leaves me with the only option of meeting guys online. Most of the websites seem geared towards hook ups and even though I’ve made it clear on there that I’m only interested in relationships, I still get messages asking for sex.

    When I have met up with guys it never goes well, I find that I’ve text the guys loads but when we meet up there’s no chemistry, if I text back I rarely get a response. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong but it’s really starting to affect my self-confidence.

    Thanks Roy.

     

    Hi Roy,

    I can really understand where you’re coming from, sometimes it seems the rest of the world is moving on and you’re being left behind.

    When it comes to dating the most frustrating thing is people not being genuine. When the internet becomes involved the problem is doubled. I’m sure it would be hard to find any online profile that is 100% honest. However, you are genuine in your intentions, and I’m sure you are not alone.

    From your experiences, it sounds like you are placing a high level of expectation on yourself and any potential dates, it may be the case that you are giving too much of yourself to begin with and not getting a lot in return. You mention that your goal is to be a relationship; I’ve always felt that wanting a relationship before knowing the person is like trying to build a tree house before the tree has grown.

    It’s worth remembering that dating us supposed to be fun. It sounds like the whole process has become really exhausting rather than exciting. Get to know the guys you are meeting on the dates rather than through texting before. If you feel that there isn’t any chemistry, you may still be able to remain friends in the long run. When meeting guys in try focusing on the next few dates and weeks rather than the future.

    I can understand that you may feel that being online is your only access to a gay “scene”. However, I would suggest that maybe looking away from traditional dating sites and more towards non-sexual sites such as OutdoorLads and out everywhere. This will give you an opportunity to meet other gay men in a friendly and platonic way without placing too much pressure on yourself. This will help you to make friends and rebuild your self-esteem.

     

    Barry Heap

     

    The advice above has been given by our community of writers who have drawn from experiences in their own lives and is should not be considered as professional advice.

    Have you got a dilemma you’d like our writers and experts to answer? Fill in the form below. We won’t share your details with anyone outside THEGAYUK.

    ← Back

    Thank you for your response. ✨

     

  • DILEMMAS | I Had Gay Sex With My Sister’s Husband

    DILEMMAS | I Had Gay Sex With My Sister’s Husband

    In a recent issue of The Sun, stalwart Agony Aunt Deidre gave some advice to a man who had recently been caught with his trousers down with his sister’s husband.

    CREDIT: kirza-bigstock

    The man was caught by his sister having sex with her husband, the reader expressed feeling trapped and having nobody to turn to and that his sister was distressed and that she wouldn’t talk to him again.

    Diedre replied that his sister had been betrayed by two people she loved and trusted and that his actions were inexcusable, but he must make sure that the husband must take half the responsibility…

    We thought we’d ask some of our writers how they’d have tackled the problem.

    ALEX Da Silva (Birmingham Correspondant)

    Impulse is a dark force that many succumb to, and sometimes it is uncontrollable. Human beings live day by day experiencing all sorts of instinctive outbursts, ‘do I get a dessert after that big main?’; ‘shall I hit the snooze button again, and make an excuse about the train being late, to get more sleep?’ and sometimes impulses drive our minds further where temptation is undeniable.

    Looking at your case, this ‘itch’ appears to have been initiated by your sister’s husband, a step which would have taken a lot of courage to make. I have gone through something similar myself, and although the person who will hurt the most will be your sister, due to the fact that both men of her life have betrayed at once and together, there is an emptiness one feels to have been that person to cause such hurt and mistrust. I am sure that you are nice person, always paid your bills, and maybe have bought a Big Issue here and there, but society is very quick to coin people whose actions are of a negative nature.

    However, your sister is your blood, and is a person that you could not live without. To get her back, you must give her that space, for every time you text, ring, visit her you are just taking her back to that dreadful moment, event of which wounded you all. Send a letter here and there about a memory you have shared together, send a card for her birthday and Christmas, but keep at that for now. It’s a gash so deep that unless you are a mutant with regenerative qualities, will take some time to heal.

    In regards to your family, they are hurt too. It is going to take not as long, but the same care, of not trying to apologise or try to talk about that night, it should be periodical attempts at maybe conversing with your mother first, as she loves unconditionally and let her have her peace and work from there. She could really help you mend the bond between you and your sister.

    Family ties are bound forever, and though there may be slashes and tears, you will work together to restore your home again. Just keep faith.

    ALSO READ: DILEMMAS | Help! My Straight Work Mate Keeps Coming On To Me

    JORDAN Lohan (Food and Drink editor, Brighton)

    I can imagine your sister’s world crumbling at the seams walking in and finding out that her brother is “the other woman”. Throughout your description of this hideous event, you don’t actually explicitly admit to being sorry or express any feelings of remorse or regret. You even have the audacity to reminisce about his touch being “electrifying”.

    If you were truly sorry and understood the real implications of what you and the husband had done, it should make you feel sick and uncomfortable. “I feel trapped” is your final sentence and that sentence comes from a selfish place of wanting to help YOURSELF. Your sister is the victim here, not you.

    I don’t think your relationship can ever be 100% salvaged with your sister, you fucked her husband and you fuced the trust between the two of you which should have been sacred and pure.

    If I were your sister, I would want you to pipe down, go away, and get some counselling to delve into the reason why you warranted the sabotage of your and her relationship, and come back when you were truly sorry.

    Have you got a dilemma you’d like us to answer? Click here to visit our dilemmas page.

  • DILEMMAS | We Have Gay Bed Death After Just 8 Months… Help

    DILEMMAS | We Have Gay Bed Death After Just 8 Months… Help

    This month, in a change to our usual relationship and sex advice, we received an interesting question from a reader on our forum. The reader is concerned that the sex in his loving and committed relationship has all but dried up after 8 months together. We asked three of our writers their advice and thoughts on the problem.

    (C) BIGSTOCK

    Dear Dilemmas

    We’ve been together for around 8 months now although we had an on/off casual thing for a while before getting together. At first the sex was phenomenal and on a regular basis nearly every time we were together even 2 to 3 times a night. However over the last 3/4 months it has rapidly decreased to nearly nothing.

    Since May we have only had sex like maybe 4-6 times and even the odd occasion when it has happened it feels like he’s just not interested and is just doing it for me. So it has been rubbish.

    We went on a weekend break away, nice and romantic, had a great time together but he was still just full of excuses whether “I’m too tired” or “I’m bloated” or any one of 146 other things and it’s really getting to me now.

    We are intimate and I do feel that he loves me as we still kiss and cuddle and have romantic nights in and out but they just never involve sex anymore.

    I’ve tried subtly bringing this up in different ways but nothing seems to work and I just don’t want to seem like a dick by bringing it up abruptly.

    Obviously I understand that as a relationship progresses that sexual desire might depreciate a bit but not this dramatically and it went from always to never and has pretty much been that way for months now. Any advice would be appreciated.

    Ask him what does he want from you?

    JORDAN (Brighton)

    I’ve personally experienced this situation so feel your pain! And it literally is pain. You may be getting kisses and cuddles but repeatedly being brushed off when it comes to sex is nothing but rejection, and that hurts.

    I wouldn’t call you a “dick” for bringing it up abruptly; you would only be mirroring how it felt to you when the sex suddenly died out.

    He’s sending out mixed messages and being incredibly controlling by being the one that decides what kind of intimacy you receive and when. Ask him, what does he want from you? Because right now he’s not offering enough to make you happy, feel good about yourself, and feel secure in your relationship, and you should make sure that he knows that in black and white. (Hopefully the thought of losing you will light a fire under his ass and spark the conversation that you both need to have)

    There Maybe A Reasonable Medical Explanation…

    DANIEL (Warwickshire)

    The so-called honeymoon period of a relationship when you first begin seeing someone can be a truly wonderful period. Whether it’s getting to know your partner’s quirks, excitedly introducing this amazing person to your friends, or all of that rampant sex you have, it’s a lovely time in your relationship. It’s a given that over time that honeymoon period fizzles out a bit, but it’s often replaced by that nice sense of familiarity, which I believe is often a positive thing.

    With that familiarity and a deeper, more meaningful relationship often comes the inevitable change of sexual habits, and it’s true to say that sex can sometimes go through a dry patch or period of predictability.

    Whatever the reasons are for your partner’s reduced interest in having sex, it is important to raise the issue and try to discuss it with him. By keeping it bottled up and not having an open conversation about your current situation, you risk becoming resentful and that may turn the issue into something bigger. It’s not often an easy subject to talk to your partner about, but communication is key to resolving things.

    When talking about your worries around your sex life, perhaps you could take the angle of being concerned about your partner and asking him if he is ok. There could be a number of reasons why he isn’t as interested in sex as he used to be. He may have a lot on his mind or be stressed. He could be depressed or not feeling well. Or it could be possible that he simply has a reduced sex drive. Whatever the reason is, it’s important to be supportive and keep that line of communication open.

    The fact that you remain intimate and enjoy kissing and cuddling is a positive, and perhaps that’s a way to begin the conversation; by saying you enjoy the intimacy, but are concerned about the lack of actual sex and wonder if your partner is ok. This will show that you treasure what you have, feel able to talk about your worries, but also that you care about your partner.

    There is bound to be a reasonable, understandable explanation for the lack of sexual interest. I hope that by opening up the lines of communication and speaking to each other about the issue, you’re able to overcome it and enjoy a happy sex life once more.

     

    9 Ways To Sort This Out

    PAUL (Doncaster)

    1. Whilst sex is an important part of any relationship, it is not the most important thing.

    2. There is a compromise to be had – as both of you need to be happy.

    3. Try initiating sex in different ways, or try other things instead of sex – try giving / having a nice massage or have a shower together.

    4. Set up a regular date night, where you go out on a romantic date.

    5. Try asking him about what he would like to do in the bedroom – he may be gagging to roll around smothered in peanut butter, but is too embarrassed to ask / talk to you about. Have a chat about your fantasies and start to introduce them.

    6. If all else fails, you need to have a frank chat with him and say that whilst you appreciate it is not everything, sex is important to you and you would like to share such an intimate and personal thing with him. If you don’t want to blurt it out randomly in the advert break of Coronation Street, then agree a time with him to have a discussion. Don’t frame it as “this is your problem and your fault” – more as “you are really important to me and we need to be honest with each other, because I want this relationship to work”. Don’t make him feel small about it, or have a go at him. Approach it as a joint issue.

    7. If you can’t get over this impasse, then you have to think about whether you should continue to be together – it depends on what compromise you can reach and how important sex is to you.

    8. Whatever you do, don’t go looking elsewhere for sex behind his back. If you do, you risk losing him all together.

    9. If both of you want to be together, but he does not want to increase the amount of sex to a level you want, then give some thought to you both having an open relationship. However, whilst this may suit some people, it does not suit everyone. Set ground rules and agree on things such as whether you will tell each other when, where and with whom, or whether you both agree not to discuss it at all. Open relationships can lead to feelings of anxiety, jealousy, arguments and mistrust – even if you both think that you are happy with it at the outset. If you do decide to go down this route, then always practice safe sex.

    The advice above has been given by our community of writers who have drawn from experiences in their own lives and is should not be considered as professional advice.

    Have you got a dilemma you’d like our writers and experts to answer? Click here to send us your dilemma