I love going to my local gay sauna and I go every few weeks or so, the only problem is that I’ve developed a verruca. Should I stop going until it’s cleared up?
Jon
Manchester
Dear Jon
Verrucas are very common indeed and caused by the HPV virus. Many people, will, at some stage develop verruca, but you shouldn’t allow it to stop you doing the things you like to do.
Unfortunately, verrucas can be very stubborn little buggers to get rid of and can take months or even years to disappear, which is a long time to be away from doing something that you love.
My suggestion is that you invest in a good remedy like Bazzuca or even see your GP if it’s worrying you too much and wear flipflops to the sauna.
Ideally, everyone should be wearing flipflops to the sauna anyway. Just so you know, the most common way for warts and veruccas to spread is by skin to skin contact – so it may be wise to keep your feet away from other people’s skin.
So in consideration of your fellow sauna goers, don’t stop going… and wear some kind of footwear.
It might also be a good idea to wear waterproof plasters over the verruca – they are cheap to buy and now come in a variety of skin tones, so it shouldn’t draw too much attention to the area.
I cheated on my wonderful boyfriend with a guy I met on Grindr and now I deeply regret it. I don’t even like the guy I cheated him on with.
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The sex was great, but I now feel guilty.
I’m not sure why I cheated on him, but I feel that our relationship has gone a bit stale. We’ve been together for just over 5 years and everything has become very samey. Although we get on really, really well and don’t really argue.
I started looking on Grindr a few months ago, mainly out of boredom and I started chatting to him – we met up for a coffee and then again for a drink one evening at our local. Then one thing led to another.
We’ve only done it once, and the weird thing, despite the guy being really good looking, I don’t really like him. We don’t agree on things politically or socially.
I’m not sure what to do next.
Dr Dannii Cohen answers:
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Dear reader,
You might not like to hear what I am about to tell you, but it is the truth:
You are the only one who can fix this situation, and it is not going to be easy.
Step 1. Break up with your Grindr date.
It is clear that you have no interest in him, and are only hanging on to him because you are afraid of dumping him. Why is this? Is he your back up because you are afraid to be alone if your boyfriend breaks up with you? It is clear from what you wrote that you don’t like him – you say so yourself. Let him go, but kindly, as this situation is not fair on him.
Just remember, be kind: he did not ask to be part of your problem.
Step 2: Win back your boyfriend.
You said things have been a little stale: have you ever asked your boyfriend if he feels the same? Chances are he feels comfortable. But it could also be that he feels the same.
Either way, you could try and bring a new dimension to your relationship: plan a few date nights, look for new ways to spice up your sex life (make sure that the both of you enjoy what you get up to as no-one should sacrifice themselves for the others enjoyment), maybe try role-play or something. Do new fun stuff together, cooking classes, theatre or anything you’d both like to try out.
Step 3 Your conscience.
This step should, to all intents and purposes come before step 2, because it’s the biggest step of all: will you tell your boyfriend about what happened? This is entirely on you, but the decision you make has to be made now, and once you make it you have to stick to it and deal with any consequences.
If you don’t tell him and are certain he has no idea about what happened chances are that, if you put in the effort you can save the relationship. But bear in mind that you can’t go back on this if you feel guilt overwhelm you months/years later.
Confessing it asap in a kind, gentle way at the right time, making sure they know how terrible you feel about it could see you forgiven in the long run. Don’t count on things to be rosy immediately, though and don’t rush your partner in his feelings. Let him be the one to say if they’re ready to start again or if he needs a break.
I hope things turn out well for you and your partner.
With love,
Dannii Cohen
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Can medication affect your ability to get hard and stay hard? Dr Nitin Shori answers your question.
Dear TGUK,
I’m in my 30s and I’ve been having trouble getting it up. I’m currently on medication for depression so I’m wondering if that is what is causing my ability to get hard. I don’t want to come off the depression meds, but my failure at not being able to keep an erection is causing a few issues in the bedroom.
Paul
Dear Paul,
A low sex drive and inability to maintain an erection can be a side effect of many antidepressants. However, depression itself can also cause these same problems. It’s important that you treat your depression and tackle the underlying factors that might be causing it. If you speak to your GP they may be able to change your medication to one that has less of an affect on your libido or consider whether your depression itself is the cause. There are also other factors that can affect your sex drive and it may be worth considering them. Erectile dysfunction, or impotence, is a very common condition, particularly among older men. Stress, anxiety, fatigue and certain health conditions are also common factors in causing impotence, while excessive drug or alcohol miss-use can also affect sexual performance. Another factor could be age. Testosterone levels naturally start to fall for most men from the age of about 30 or 40.
While many automatically associate testosterone with sexual performance, this powerful hormone has a much wider influence and can often impact on energy levels and motivation, as well as loss of strength and muscle mass. If the above is ringing bells you can test for testosterone and consider gels or supplements which will boost your levels. You can get testosterone testing kits and prescriptions online if you’re pressed for time to see your doctor and want to rule this out. There’s also a range of products that can help with erectile dysfunction available online if you want to be discreet, including Viagra. Given your circumstances, you should discuss your antidepressant medication with your GP before you start exploring other potential causes of impotence.
I am really concerned after reading about a man in the papers who donated sperm to a lesbian couple some years ago who is now being chased by the CSA who is demanding he pay towards the child’s upbringing, even though he’s not on the child’s birth certificate.
I’m in a similar situation. I donated sperm to a couple 10 years ago – and I’m wondering if they have any rights to make me pay for their child. I’ve never met the child and I’m no longer in the couples’ life as I moved towns a few years back.
My name isn’t on the birth certificate and I’ve not been a part of the child’s life at all. If they wanted to, could they get in contact with the CSA and make me pay?
Are there any legal protections for men like me?
Paul in Leicester
Dear Paul,
The answer to this question is dependent on whether you donated the sperm through a registered Human Fertilisation & Embryology Authority (HFEA)-licensed clinic; if you did then you are not financially liable for the child, nor do you have any parental responsibility for the child, equally you have no say over the upbringing of the child. If this is the case, the birth mother will be the legal mother and her civil partner or wife will be the “second legal parent” (but not “mother” as the law does not allow a person to have two legal mothers).
If you donated the sperm without using a HFEA-licensed clinic as an intermediary (such as an informal agreement between friends or through an internet agency) then you could be deemed to be the child’s legal father (whether or not you are named on the birth certificate) and could be obliged to financially support the child as necessary. Ultimately, the child’s mother may be able to bring a successful claim through the Child Support Agency (CSA).
If you feel that it is likely action will be taken against you, it is best to be proactive. In my experience the worst thing you could do is bury your head in the sand and hope it goes away. Sometimes a simple offer of some contribution towards the maintenance of the child will avoid often lengthy, expensive court proceedings.
I would advise however that you seek the advice of a specialist solicitor in this area who would be much better placed to give you a clearer picture of your obligations.
Have you got a dilemma for our team of experts? Write to us here.
This response is not intended to constitute legal or other professional advice and should not be relied on or treated as a substitute for specific advice relevant to particular circumstances. Individuals should always seek legal advice from a professional which is specific to their unique set of circumstances.
This week a reader asks whether it’s safe to have intercourse when he’s suffering from piles.
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Dear Dilemmas,
I have piles so is it safe to have sexual intercourse while i am suffering from this problem?
Yours, Jon
We asked Public Health Practitioner Jose Perez de la Cruz, BPubHtlth his thoughts on whether its safe to have sex whilst you have haemorrhoids
Anal sex has the potential to inflame pre-existing haemorrhoids (piles), though research shows that it does not cause them in the first place. So long as the piles are not actively bleeding or painful at the time on intercourse then it is probably safe to have sex. If they are bleeding or there is inflammation though, this means that the natural protective barrier formed by the skin and mucous membranes is not at its optimum which if exposed to an STI can make transmission more likely.
I would recommend using Preparation H or Germoloids (all available on Amazon) to help control pain and inflammation and to reduce swelling.
During sex, it is also important that you use a good water based lubricant, particularly during acts of multiple people or high-frequency sexual activity as this will reduce the chance of any inflammation being caused. They are very unlikely to burst during normal sexual activity, even in the case of sex parties, threesomes or orgies. If creams etc. though do not fix the underlying problem and I would recommend as a permanent solution surgical intervention.
This can now be done almost painlessly by syringing the haemorrhoids and a referral can be obtained by going to see your GP. There are also a number of private clinics undertaking the therapy which do not require GP referral.
When a new boyfriend buys an extravagant gift, which makes you feel uncomfortable what should you do?
Free-Photos / Pixabay
Dear Dilemmas,
I got together with my boyfriend a few weeks before Christmas, so we haven’t been together long. However, he bought me a laptop as a present, because my old one died – and I really need one for uni. However, I didn’t really think we were doing gifts, so I only bought him a bottle of wine. I’m not sure if he can afford the computer, but I feel like it’s wrong to accept something so big of him.
What should I do?
Toby
Go halves
Dear Toby
It sounds like your boyfriend’s heart is in the right place, but buying you a laptop is probably way too much at this stage in your relationship and maybe this is a really grand gesture on his behalf to show how much he cares. But you say you have a feeling that it’s wrong. Ask yourself why does it feel wrong?
If he knew that you were both “not really doing gifts” and he still bought you an extravagant gift I would worry that this guy doesn’t know boundaries or is trying to buy your affection. It might make me question whether he’s trying to own you – knowing that you can’t afford this item, which is tied to your success at uni. It could put him in a position of power over you.
There’s a couple of options. Firstly, you need to communicate about how you feel – communication is key to any successful relationship and especially in a new one. You can politely refuse the gift and say it’s just too much at this stage in your relationship or you can make an arrangement to pay him a manageable monthly instalment for half of the computer – that way you get to keep it, but you’ll also half own it.
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It’s probably more common than we think, but falling in love with someone who doesn’t seem to love you back is painful.
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We spoke to counsellor Daniel Browne who told us just because things haven’t progressed in the way that you might have hoped doesn’t mean that he’s not necessarily into you.
He told us, “Being into someone who doesn’t reciprocate those feelings can be crushing. However, because things haven’t gone further with this incredible looking, funny guy it doesn’t mean that he’s not into you. Perhaps he likes to take things at a slower pace and get to know someone before he becomes intimate with them.
“Maybe he’s absolutely into you but is not ready to take the next step yet. Of course, it is possible that he doesn’t have the same feelings for you that you have for him.
Is it possible to be friends rather than lovers?
Browne continues, “If that’s the case, then it sounds like you’ve made a great friend and that’s something to treasure. Give this relationship time and see where it goes. If it doesn’t develop into something more than friendship then as upsetting as that may be, you do have that companionship to enjoy. If it does develop into something more intimate, that’s something you can equally enjoy and it will have been worth the wait”.
What happens when your boyfriend won’t stop hooking up with the lad from your last threeway and doesn’t invite you?
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My boyfriend keeps seeing a guy that we had a threesome with. This is even after I told him that I’m not cool or comfortable with it. I’ve told him straight to his face. I don’t have the courage to tell the other guy to knock it off.
I really don’t know what to do. I love my boy and I’m sure he loves me but it hurts me that he’s insisting on seeing this other guy, outside of a threeway.
What should I do?
We asked two of our contributors to give their advice.
Lee Henriques, writer
First I’ve gotta ask – is this an open relationship? Do you normally allow a regular hookup/no strings attached situation between the two of you or is this guy someone your partner’s made an exception for?
If it’s the latter, and it bothers you this much, it sounds cliché and obvious but you have to communicate your feelings. If you don’t, it’s going to build and become an even worse situation – but it’s a little confusing as to why he’s insisting on hooking up with this person in the first place; maybe ask him if he’d like to open the relationship (if it’s not already) or if you’d be interested, perhaps broach the topic of sharing your sexual experiences with a third person.
It could benefit the both of you but make your boundaries clear. What’s bothering you the most? Is it the fact he’s hooking up with someone else or the fact that that person is someone you’ve both hooked up with in the first place?
Communication and honesty are the key pillars of any relationship (thanks Cosmo) and if you’re uncomfortable you have to let him know. He probably wouldn’t want you being uncomfortable and keeping it bottled inside and if you love each other then you can make it work. It sounds like it’s just sex so maybe the other guy won’t even mind and will look elsewhere but if it continues and they both ignore your wishes, it’s hard to do but maybe re-evaluate the kind of relationship you want vs. the relationship you’re in.
Hope this has helped – I’d love an update!
Tom Driver, The Knee Jerk Columnist
I don’t really see things like other people so if my interpretation of the situation is “off point” please forgive me.
I read that you are threatened by this situation and suspect you may know why! As you have both hooked up with this guy in the past I guess you know what happens when he gets together with another man and will have an insight into what it is your bf sees in him.
So I guess the resolution is can you do that for your bf and cut this third person out? Or are there similarities between him and you that identify the type of person your bf goes for and this is ringing alarm bells in your head?
My other thought on it is the boundaries of your relationship and whether you are lacking the confidence to negotiate/set/impose them? It can be relationship changing to appear either dominant and insistent or insecure and frankly, this could appear to be both and more.
Got to be honest fella, if the other guy has a heart and you know him I would be speaking to him and asking him to put himself in your shoes and show some respect for you and your relationship.
In the final analysis: men like men and men like cock. All of that is tangible and real, relationships between men are based on the intangibles of love and trust, if that isn’t there then perhaps your bf is subtlety letting you know it’s time for you to look elsewhere too.
Jake Hook, Editor
Ultimately you should find out why your boyfriend wants to continue this other relationship without you. A future of any sort of relationship with him really does come down to this – and whether you’re prepared to accept the answer.
What exactly is making you uncomfortable about his third-party hookups, because when you dig down to the root of your feelings, you’ll have your answer on what to do next.
If he is set on continuing this relationship, you really only have three options. Dump, Live with it or Thruple it. Have you thought about opening the relationship as a thruple? If you’re all up for it it could be a beautiful addition to your life. Some people can make this work, but you will need a certain level of maturity, trust and open-mindedness.
Have you got advice? Give it in the comments below.
A reader falls in love with a guy who is giving off mixed signals. We ask some of our writers to give their best advice.
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Dear TGUK
“I’m so confused. I’ve met this guy online and we’ve met a couple of times. He even invited me to his place to sleep over – in his bed – but he rolled over as soon as we got in and fell fast asleep.
I’m really into him, but I’m not sure he’s into me. He pays compliments and tells me I’m hot but when it feels like something more intimate might happen, I feel like I’m getting shunned.
He’s incredible looking and funny and I’d really like a relationship with him – or at the very least have some sex – but not sure what to do next.” IDS: Male, 25, Yorkshire
Stuart Bird (Motoring Editor)
Oww sausage. I feel for you. Been there many times but I’ve also been on the other side of it too.
Attraction is a complex subject. Like the insides of a toaster. They look simple enough but there is a fine line in getting that bread not burned. That simple wiring and dial on the outside do a lot more than we give it credit for. It takes time and experimentation.
It’s not always the visual they/you see. Sometimes they just aren’t into you. There are times when a relationship is better as a plutonic relationship. Getting into the nitty gritty can sour the good fun.
Enjoy the fun and flirtations. You never know, it might happen. But if it doesn’t, never mind. You’ll have a fabulous friend for life.
Daniel Browne Columnist and Warwickshire Pride Founder
Firstly, I feel for you and can totally relate to this situation.
Being into someone who doesn’t reciprocate those feelings can be crushing. However, because things haven’t gone further with this incredible looking, funny guy it doesn’t mean that he’s not into you. Perhaps he likes to take things at a slower pace and get to know someone before he becomes intimate with them.
Maybe he’s absolutely into you but is not ready to take the next step yet. Of course, it is possible that he doesn’t have the same feelings for you that you have for him. If that’s the case, then it sounds like you’ve made a great friend and that’s something to treasure. Give this relationship time and see where it goes. If it doesn’t develop into something more than friendship then as upsetting as that may be, you do have that companionship to enjoy. If it does develop into something more intimate, that’s something you can equally enjoy and it will have been worth the wait.
What do you think? Have your say in the comments below.
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A reader asks about how he can start to rebuild his life after two violent attacks and being diagnosed with PTSD. Doctor Dannii Cohen answers.
CREDIT: igor stevanovic / bigstock
Dear Dilemmas,
I have been violently attacked twice in less than a year with no provocation from me before the incidents. After the first time I was diagnosed with PTSD and put on medication which helps, however, the most recent attack last night when I was beaten, robbed and threatened with gang reprisals has left me feeling completely empty. It’s not like last year where I began to see my attacker everywhere (even though it wasn’t him) and felt gripped by fear, this time I just feel empty, defeated and believing it’s only a matter of time before it happens again if I stay in this area.
I don’t want to go to my GP because in the 3 or 4 minutes they will allot for an appointment I will be unable to explain things as I am now, most likely ending up with the escotilapram dose being put up. What can I do outside of medication to move past this and control the PTSD?
*name withheld
Dear reader,
I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you. I am also annoyed with your GP for just giving medication. Trauma does not go away with pills. You have to talk about it with other people, you have to move through the pain and work hard to move through it so you can leave it behind you.
These feelings you describe, feeling empty, scared and defeated sound rather like PTSD caused by the traumatic event. You really need professional help to deal with those, because leaving this untreated could see you face a lot of avoidable psychological difficulties in the future. Please see a psychologist or counsellor.
Also, have you been to the police? If these people keep attacking you maybe they can help too, this should not happen a third time!
The best thing I can do is leave you with the contact e-mails to LGBT support and help groups. Maybe they can put you in contact with LGBT community help close to you.
The LGBT Foundation Helpline might be best, as you can report a hate crime and ask for mental help anonymously.
You can email the helpline anytime at helpline@lgbt.foundation and they will reply to you within 10 working days.
For immediate support you can call the helpline on 0345 3 30 30 30
There is also the Switchboard LGBT+ helpline a telephone service giving support advice and referrals to young LGBT people.
Helpline: 0300 330 0630 (lines open 10am to 10pm)
Email: chris@switchboard.lgbt
I hope you will find the support you need.
With love,
Dannii
