THEGAYUK

Category: Dilemmas

  • DILEMMA | I think I’m gay, but I can’t tell my family

    DILEMMA | I think I’m gay, but I can’t tell my family

    We asked our contributors to write some advice for a reader who is worried that he’s still a virgin and scared to come out to his parents as gay.

    Pexels / Pixabay

    Dear TGUK

    “I think I am gay, because I am very much attracted to men, it’s difficult for me to come out and tell my parents about it because of society issues. Never had sex before, I’m still a virgin.

    I I don’t know what’s the scare, like something stopping me to come out. I just watch porn and masturbate!

    24, Male, Questioning

    We have our say:

    Shuggie Hughes, Columnist from the Gay Dad Diaries

    I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself. Pressure to come out, pressure to have sex, pressure to lose your virginity. I think you need to relax and explore your attractions without thinking about any of these things. Enjoy the company of others, dates don’t need to lead to sex unless you want them too. When you meet the right person you will feel no pressure and it will evolve organically.

    Tom Driver, The Knee Jerk Columnist

    I think you need a holiday or a trip away for any purpose where people don’t know you. Give yourself a chance to explore some of the insecurities you have in anonymity. Having a sexuality is not a diagnosis, it does not come with spots or any other symptom, so don’t label yourself. There is no requirement to come out. Your first responsibility is to yourself to be yourself. This is not practice for life it is the real thing and a one time opportunity. Take the pressure off, and everything else is likely to follow.

    Jake Hook, Editor

    You don’t say whether you’re dependent on your family for accommodation and money, if coming out is going to affect that situation or it puts you in danger, you should try and get yourself in a position to live independently as soon as you can. However, if you still need their help for the foreseeable future, there’s no reason why you can’t explore your sexuality without coming out to them, after all, you don’t want to endanger having a roof over your head. Parents don’t need to know everything about their offspring, just as offspring don’t need to know everything about their parents.

    Are you able to find a gay scene nearby, pride season is upon us, can you make your way to a pride and hang out with the crowd, find out what is available in your local community and get involved somehow. Sex is important but you shouldn’t feel the need to rush – and masturbation is healthy – and if it makes you happy then crack on.

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  • DILEMMA | How do I have sex with a guy for the first time?

    DILEMMA | How do I have sex with a guy for the first time?

    A reader asks, having never had sex with a man before, how does he do it?

    CREDIT: kirza-bigstock

    Dear TGUK,

    I’m a 57-year-old guy, how do I have sex with a guy for first time?

    (Name withheld)

     

    Here’s what we think:

    Daniel Browne Warwickshire Pride Founder

    There are many ways of having sex, but it’s not for me to tell you how you should be doing it.

    Ultimately it’s your journey. It’s personal and unique to you, so in time you’ll discover what you like and what you don’t. What I will say is that it’s important you feel comfortable and relaxed about what you are doing. It’s common for people to put pressure on themselves when it comes to sex, and that pressure is often heightened when doing something for the first time.

    Whether it’s performance anxiety or worrying about getting it right, pressure can mount and that never really helps the situation.

    My advice is to do what comes naturally to you and take your time. Be sure about what you are doing, and enjoy it. And remember that there is no right or wrong way to have sex, other than perhaps playing safe.

    Jake Hook Editor THEGAYUK.com

    It might be worth to make a list of things you actually want to do, what you think you’d be comfortable with and what you’re not comfortable with. There are loads of different types of sex from mutual masturbation to anal sex to fisting.

    Making that list will help you set some boundaries. Once you know where those boundaries lie, you can set about finding someone whose ideas on sex fit with yours. It’s relatively easy to find out what potential partners are into, especially on dating apps and hook up sites. The simple question, “what are you into?” will yield loads of info and you can work out whether you’ll be comfortable with that person.

    If you’re not very experienced, never underestimate the power of communication. Let your partner know that you’re a newbie, maybe make it a part of the experience – and have a talk about the sex you’re going to have. It could turn out to be quite the turn on.

    As always, whatever you end up doing, make sure you’re safe, use condoms and if you’re having anal sex, make sure you use lots of lube.

    Have you got a dilemma you’d like us to answer? Click here to visit our dilemmas page.

     

  • I have slept with hundreds of guys, I’m worried I’m addicted to sex

    I have slept with hundreds of guys, I’m worried I’m addicted to sex

    Am I Addicted To Unprotected Sex?

    Dear 56DS and TGUK

    I’m in my mid 20s and I’m a bit of sex lover. I’ve probably been with over 700 guys in the last 2 years, which makes my friends laugh, but I think I’m a bit addicted to it.

    Some of the sex has been whilst drunk or on drugs (never needles) and I can’t be certain that it’s always been protected sex.

    I am around 80% the top in these shags. So I’ve been told that the likelihood is that I’m fine, but just wondering.

    I’ve had a few STDs and had those cleared up but I’m feeling a little bit worried as I always do this time of year with WorldAIDS Day coming up…

    I have been to the clinic, but not this year.

     

    Hi there;
    Thanks for your question.

    Being top may be less risky than being the bottom, but there is still a risk, and guys who only top still get HIV. This is because of HIV can also be found in mucosal secretions inside someone’s bum. Using condoms will protect you against HIV and most STIs regardless of how many partners you have. However, it’s possible that condoms break, or you can get STIs including HIV through oral sex, although getting HIV through oral sex is rare.

    Some people say that taking drugs including alcohol makes them more relaxed and more likely to take risks. Sometimes when people get caught in the moment they may feel invincible and forget to do the things they normally would to protect their health. It’s really important that you keep control by using condoms and getting yourself checked regularly for sexually transmitted infections. This should be for all STIs not just HIV.

    If you do have HIV finding out can save your life (if you have had it for many years) or add years to your life. HIV is now a manageable health condition and life expectancy may be almost the same if diagnosed early and you start treatment at the right time. It’s better to know as you can take control of your own health and protect your partners.

    It sounds like you may want to visit our CODE clinic, a walk-in service between 5-7pm on Tuesdays for gay men who use drugs during sex. The team are super friendly, non-judgemental and there to help you. They can advise you on drug taking, help you to reduce or stop and explain more about risks of STIs. Also, they know a lot about the harder sex scene, if that happens to be your thing.

    In terms of the number of partners, it’s really important that you are having a healthy, enjoyable sex life which is not harmful to your mental or physical health.

    If you’re worried that you may have sex addiction then help is available. There is an online screening tool at www.sexhelp.com which is free. It will give you a score and explain what that means. There are also lots of resources on the www.sexaddictionhelp.co.uk and www.recoverynation.com websites. We provide support at 56 Dean Street and if you visited the clinic with an appointment with a health advisor we could refer you to this service.

    Hope that helps;

    Jenna and Jake.

    The advice listed above is not intended to replace or take the place of that of your own doctor, GP or medical professional who knows your full medical history. If in any doubt make an appointment with your doctor as soon as possible.

    OTHER QUESTIONS: HIV | WILLY WONDERS | HOLES | DOING IT | STIs | LUMPS & BUMPS | BACK TO SEX CLINIC HOME PAGE

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  • DILEMMA | I’m gay, but I’ve fallen romantically for a woman

    DILEMMA | I’m gay, but I’ve fallen romantically for a woman

    This week a reader reached out to ask our opinion on he should do, following falling in love, not lust with a woman.

    (FILE PHOTO)

    Dear TGUK

    I identify myself as a gay. In past seven months, I have made friends with a girl. She knows that I’m gay, but I think she has feelings for me.

    As for my part, I find her romantic but not sexual. I am confused.

    I haven’t had any conversation with her regarding that.

    Not sure what to do? Any help would be gratefully received.

    Daniel Browne, Chair and founder of Warwickshire Pride

    I would continue with this new friendship you have and see what happens. Is an awkward conversation necessary at this point? If she knows you are gay, she’ll know that nothing is likely to happen.

    From your perspective, if you have romantic feelings towards her but not sexual, that is ok. It is ok to be confused and to take time to work out exactly how you feel.

    Maybe see how things develop with the friendship and where your feelings are after a bit more time spent with her. If nothing romantic or sexual develops, you may simply have a great friendship. Nothing beats that.

    Jake Hook, Editor & Chief of THEGAYUK.com

    This seems like you need to have a conversation with her. You could both definitely have an enjoyable non-sexual relationship which is like a life-long companionship, with each other if you’re both up for that. As long as you can be open about your sexual needs being met by people outside your relationship then why not go for it.

    The only problems with this, however, is that there could be a likelihood where either you or she might fall in love with a sexual partner, but again if you keep the lines of communication open you can both work out boundaries and flesh out the “what if” scenarios.

    No relationship need fit in a box, and you don’t need to justify yourself or judge your relationship by what society might consider “normal”.

    It’s your life. If you’re both happy and open about your needs and wants, who does this hurt?

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  • DILEMMA | Should I tell future boyfriends that I’ve got herpes?

    DILEMMA | Should I tell future boyfriends that I’ve got herpes?

    This week a reader who has symptomless herpes asks whether he should tell new sexual partners that he has been diagnosed with herpes.

    “I was tested positive for herpes. I have not have any symptoms besides two blisters as a first outbreak and one more blister 5 months after that. The doctor said as long as I don’t have an outbreak I won’t pass it on to someone.

    “My confusion and embarrassment comes from: If I don’t have an outbreak (so I can’t pass it on theoretically), is it wrong not to let future sexual partners know? If not informing them would be wrong, why would this be the case?”

    Toby, 21, Swansea

    We asked three of our writing community their thoughts on whether you should share everything with a partner.

    Tom Diver, Author of  The Knee Jerk column

    Did you know you were interacting with someone who had herpes when you contracted it? As a matter of conscience would it be fair for you to pass it on and someone else also have to deal with this dilemma too?

    If the relationships engaged in are more than casual, the dynamic of this situation changes as the sexual component and minimum risk you pose is offset by everything else you have to offer.

    In any relationship honesty is a cornerstone. Therefore I would say you should tell someone who could be at risk, so they could make an informed decision.

    An aspect of it is about the respect you have for someone else and your own self-respect. It’s a conscience/morality question.

    When I was a young man I couldn’t think straight if I had sex on my mind. This may sound flippant but I promise you it’s not. If the problem is sexually driven; have a wank and then ask yourself again!

    Andrew Goyvaerts UEqualsU Advocate

    Disclosure is a common concern for people diagnosed with a communicable infection, he shouldn’t feel alone or too lost in that because a lot of these people are also looking for a way forward with some already having done so and willing to share their experiences.

    Joining a group, even if it is an online forum, that helps people diagnosed with herpes will let him see how people who have been diagnosed long-term handle this and other situations.

    Jake Hook Editor and Chief of THEGAYUK.com

    Never underestimate the power of the condom.

    Even if you don’t have visible signs, you might still be contagious.

    If you’re worried then make sure you’ve always got a fresh supply of condoms and don’t engage in unprotected sex – oral or anal.

    As for a long-term partner, then it’s up to you when to fess up, but you will have to at some point. That might be the first time you have an outbreak, but if that doesn’t come until years into your relationship, it could cause quite a bit of concern to your partner that you didn’t speak up about it earlier in your relationship and might cause serious concerns for them about trusting you.

    However, there’s a strong likelihood that he’ll probably have a form of the herpes virus too. A recent study, by WHO, found that globally over 66 per cent of people under 50 have it. There are two types of herpes simplex virus HSV – type 1 (oral – think cold sores) and type 2 genital herpes, both are contagious.

    Having an open a frank conversation about sexual health between you and your partner is a good thing to do, communication, as they say, is the key.

    The NHS suggests that you continue to use condoms, even after the symptoms have gone.

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  • DILEMMA | My ex’s brother is hot – should I sleep with him?

    I’ve been flirting with my ex’s brother for a few weeks via Grindr after my ex and I broke up about a month ago. I caught him cheating on me with some guys. We were together for 2 years and were about to move in with each other.

    I’m heartbroken by it, but also infuriated and feel like he needs to be taught a lesson. I’ve been chatting with his brother who is also gay and he seems to be fairly up for a meet and muck about… He knows that we’ve split. 

    So I’m wondering if its okay to have a bit of fun?

    Tom, Mablethorpe

    Simon Hill, Author of Journey to Fatherhood

    In a word ‘No’. Not because its the right or wrong thing to do, but because your not thinking about what’s best for yourself. The saying goes ‘all’s fair in love and war’ and sleeping with your brothers ex would be just as fair as everything that has gone before. Actually you don’t want anymore to do with either of them. You need to accept your pain, release it through crying, getting drunk with friends and maybe a one night stand with a stranger – anyone but your ex and his brother – then to rebuild yourself over time.

    Andy Elliot Griffith, Columnist

     If you want to deal with the consequences of this, then by all means go ahead, but the reasoning behind wanting to do it is at the very least petty, and at the most vindictive. You obviously aren’t interested in your ex’s brother, you just want to use it as revenge and that is not good. Your ex’s brother is also not the best person, for willing to meet up and “muck about” He’s probably being spiteful towards his brother. It’s not worth causing a rift in the family because you were hurt by your ex’s behavior. Avoid like the plague!

    Paul Nicholls-Whiteman, Columnist

    Am I getting tit for tat here?  You’ve split up and now you’re trying to date his brother?

    It sucks when a relationship ends and it seems that you were so close to setting up house  but better you know now rather than later, so you’ve had a lucky escape. I get that this has really hurt you but there is something called Karma.  What goes around comes around and all you need to do for that is let things work themselves out.

    Dating his brother isn’t very cool.  You would still be close to your ex or is that you want?  Would you get back with him?  Time to move forwards completely and seek out new men.  Give yourself time.  Get to know and love you because if you can’t love yourself how in the hell you going to love someone else!

    I wish you well.

    Dan Browne, Runs LGBT Support Charity In Warwickshire

    I’m going to get straight to the point here. It sounds like your intentions for having sex with your ex-partner’s brother are completely inappropriate. Do you want to be that bitter person who takes revenge but probably ends up being more upset afterwards? You also need to consider how it may effect your ex-partner’s relationship with his brother. Your ex may have hurt you, but that doesn’t give you the right to be so destructive in your revenge. My advice to you is to stop chatting to your ex-partner’s brother, take some time out to get over the split, and then get yourself back out there to find someone new who preferably isn’t related to your ex. The alternative is letting bitterness consume you.

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  • DILEMMA | Could my bisexual partner cheat on me?

    DILEMMA | Could my bisexual partner cheat on me?

    Doctor Dannii Cohen answers reader’s questions. This week Dannii answers a question on whether a bisexual partner is twice as likely to cheat on you and leave?

    Not because they are bisexual, no. This is a common misconception. In fact, when we asked our bisexual readers what myths really bugged them – this was one of the ones that kept cropping up.

    Being bisexual does not mean twice as likely to cheat. A bisexual person falls in love the same way as anyone does. The only thing that is “different” is that they can fall in love with both genders.

    If you feel your partner may be cheating on you, do not raid their computer, mobile or whatever.

    A lot or relationships suffered not because of cheating but because the partner who is being spied upon feels hurt by the other’s secret snooping. Oddly the best thing to do is ask.

    Dr Dannii says that communication is the key. If you think your partner is cheating, whether they are gay or bisexual, you should start with asking them outright.

    Communication is the most important thing in a relationship.

    This does not mean that the partner will automatically blurt out the truth the first time around: but knowing the conversation is open they will feel more ready to talk and admit to problems.

     

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  • DILEMMA | How do I get my homophobic family to accept my partner?

    DILEMMA | How do I get my homophobic family to accept my partner?

    What happens when you finally meet, fall in love and marry the love of your life and your family just won’t accept?

    Dr Dannii Cohen reveals how you can make even the most stubborn of a homophobic family turn to acceptance.

    Having the approval of your parents means a lot to (almost) every child.

    So wanting them to approve of the other most important person in your life is natural.
 The story of parents not approving of their children’s partner (whether in straight or LGBT relationships) is as old as time and there truly is no quick fix solution.

    Dr Dannii Cohen suggests that you include your partner in as much as possible, including putting your family into situations where they are forced to interact with your partner… but not too often.

    Do not: feel you have to take sides, force your parents or stir arguments.

    Do: Insist your partner needs to be included and stand up for him/her.

    Find ways to try and get conversations going, take some cues and advice from this article: http://yourzengrowth.com/asking-giving-opinion/
    For the rest, only time can heal this one. Human emotions cannot be forced.

    Have you got a dilemma you’d like us to answer? Click here to visit our dilemmas page.

  • DILEMMA | My husband cheated on me with male sex workers, whilst I was in prison

    This week a reader finds out that her husband of 14 years cheated on her with male sex workers, whilst she was in prison. He also bugged her phone and continues to see escorts, even when their two kids are in the house.

    Dear Dr Dannii

    I have been with my hubby for 14 years and I know I was his first love.

    Recently I was incarcerated and did six months in jail away from my love and he cheated on me with a sex worker, who turned out to be male. We have two children under 10 and I know he’s been bringing in sex workers and drug users into our home whilst the kids are there.

    He also has hacked my phone, so he can listen to my conservations, even when I’m not using it. I haven’t cheated on him so I have no idea what to do next.

    I feel every time I go out he cheats on me and I don’t want him to pass on any STDs to me. We’ve talk about working this through and he says he’ll change, but I can’t and don’t want to live with a guy who can’t be faithful.

    Sandi,

    (Message edited for clarity and length)

     

    Dear Sandi,

    Your message was long and a bit unclear in some parts, but I understood what you were trying to say, and how much you have been through.

    Please do not stay in the situation that you are in. You are clearly unhappy and it is obvious that your partner has no consideration for your feelings at all. I am sorry to be so blunt, but this will not change. I believe I understood you have children, if so this can not be a healthy situation for any young people to be in.

    Please try and get the necessary help (including any protection you might need!) and build a new life for you and your children and stop waiting for others to change.

    Your first stop should be to social services or give Family Lives (0808 800 2222) a call to talk through your problem. It sounds like you need some guidance from people who can help tackle your issues head on. It might be good check out the woman’s website over at Shelter, who have some brilliant advice for women in need of refuge.

    The other thing to consider and it all depends on your family and friendship connections – but do you have parents, family or friends you can call on to help you, even if it’s to leave the house with your children for a while and get them out of that toxic environment?

    If you are concerned about your sexual health, you should book yourself in with your GP or a sexual health clinic.

    You have dealt with so much already, so you are strong enough to make it through.

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  • DILEMMAS | My boyfriend wants us to have an open relationship, but I’m worried this will be the end of us

    DILEMMAS | My boyfriend wants us to have an open relationship, but I’m worried this will be the end of us

    Reader Jack asks our experts whether he and his partner should open up their relationship.

    Dear TGUK.

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 3 years. Over the past few weeks we have been rowing constantly. He hadn’t been with any guys before me and felt that he’d missed out on a lot. He says he loves me but needs more. He’s suggested that we have an open relation and that we’re both free to go with other men. I’m not interested in sleeping with anyone else. I’m not sure if it’s what I want from a relationship but I’m afraid if I don’t agree to it, he’ll just cheat on me and leave anyway? If I do agree to it, he might meet someone else.

    Jack

     

     

    Hi Jack,

    It sounds like there is a lot happening for your relationship right now. All relationships, family sexual or romantic, go through changes and have to adapt along with the people in them. As part of this we need to renegotiate the terms and what we want from them. Although this may sound very cold and logical, of course isn’t when it comes relationships.

    From what you say. It sounds like your boyfriend is still exploring his own sexual identity, you were the first person he slept with and has been faithful to for the past three years. He is keen to experience sex with other guys but he still wants the security and intimacy that he obviously gets from being with you.

    The good news is you are both talking clearly about what you want. The channels of communication are very much open. You’ve discussed opening the relationship and the ramifications but has he said specifically what he’s missed out? It may be worth seeing if there is a specific aspect of sex that he wants to experiment. It may be something that you may want to try.

    It sounds like from your letter that you are not keen on the concept of an open relationship and that you would have insecurities about where it would lead. However you have also not dismissed the concept outright. This needs to be given equal weight in your discussion. As much as he has the desire to change the relationship, it’s ok if you don’t want to.

    It feels like it would be a good decision for you to talk clearly about the practicalities of it. Would he tell the men that he is in an open relationship? Will you discuss who, where and when? Would you do this before or after? In terms of the guys he will be meeting, would they just be one off encounters? Safe sex is also a vital part of this discussion. From doing this it will help you to make a decision based on fact and not from fear.

    As I said earlier, all relationships will change and adapt. The discussion about opening the relationship is fluid. It may be the case that you try being open. If it doesn’t work for you, then you can always bring this back to the table, you can always discuss closing the relationship again. Open relationships aren’t for everyone; they require a high degree of trust and understanding. Hopefully it gives both partners what they need to feel fulfilled.

     

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  • DILEMMA | I’m bisexual, 18 and haven’t had sex yet, I’m worried about not losing my virginity

    DILEMMA | I’m bisexual, 18 and haven’t had sex yet, I’m worried about not losing my virginity

    This week a reader is concerned that he hasn’t yet lost his virgin. Doctor Dannii Cohen gives advice.

    Free-Photos / Pixabay

    Dear TGUK

    I have never had sex in my life and I think it is important to have sex all the time. What should I do? I’m 18 and worried that I’m not going to lose my virginity.

    Ian*, 18

     

    Dear Ian

    My message to you is short: it is NOT important to have sex all the time. If you don’t want it or don’t feel ready you don’t have to. Even if you do want it you should wait until you find the right person. Don’t think you should just throw yourself at someone because you feel you HAVE to have sex or because you think it’s “normal”.

    At your age not having had sex is certainly nothing weird or abnormal.

    You will never have a first time again and you should hold out until it feels right for you. Don’t force yourself for anyone, this is about you and your body.

     

    *name changed

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