On paper, the nitenite hotel in Birmingham looks like an attractive offer. For under 50 quid per night, two of you get to stay in the heart of Birmingham, near all the attractions and entertainments in Japanese inspired simplicity – but that’s where the attractive offer stops. ★★

As a person that does a fair bit of travelling, I like to think I know most hotel chains, and what they have to offer, yes even the budget brands! So I was surprised to learn about a new chain hopeful – nitenite, just off Broad Street in central Birmingham. Based on Japanese design – the rooms are compact and supposedly complete. The hotel crams over one hundred of these rooms on one floor.

If you’re looking for your creature comforts – and I include a window within that category you’re out of luck. As no rooms in this hotel have windows, they don’t have phones, hairdryers, handtowels, wardrobes or anywhere to put your baggage. The total floor space is around the size of two double beds, side by side and that includes the WC and shower, complete with opaque door – which is never a welcome feature, especially if you’re sharing.

As a warning be careful when using the singular table surface as it has a deceptive curved edge. You run the risk of ruining your entire suitcase of clothing, if you place a cup of coffee near the edge and it simply falls on to your belongings. There’s simply no place to put your luggage anywhere. If you want a bedside shelf – or somewhere to put your glasses/water/book/ipad – then you’re also out of luck. There are no usable surfaces anywhere in the room.

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So What! – You might say – ‘I’m just there to put my head down after a night on the razz.’ Well don’t expect a peaceful night’s sleep.

We stayed on a Saturday night, where on the hour every hour we were woken by the sounds of girls cackling, falling A over T, shouting, then screaming and then door slamming. Then came the noise of men- arguing and shouting. It was like some hideous campus experience, but without the education. I think around 3.49AM a rather burley sounding man, slammed his door so hard the entire floor seemed to shake, walked out into the corridor – said, ‘right I’m off to reception to complain about this… Let’s ‘**king ‘ave it…’

In the morning I complained to reception and asked why they didn’t do anything about the noise, he shrugged and told me that they usually have security to deal with wayward guests. Now I don’t know about you, but a hotel that employs someone specifically for security to deal with drunken hooligans certainly isn’t a place I would be seen in again. If you do stay, either get completely blotto and become one of the yobbos that clearly patronise this establishment or bring earplugs/Calms/Tramadol in order to get a good night’s kip.