Netflix has an incredible catalogue of LGBT+ films on its service. Here are our picks for July 2018
God’s Own Country is one of our must watch films streaming on Netflix right now.
The Adventures Of Priscilla Queen of the Dessert
It’s a camp classic starring Terence Stamp, Hugo Weaving and Guy Pearce. Three drag queens venture into the outback to perform their show at an Alice Springs’ casino. Comedy | GAYUK RATING ★★★★★
Milk
An outstanding, heartbreaking drama about the life and the death of one of America’s most important historical figures for the LGBT+ community. Starring Sean Penn and James Franco. Read the full review here. Drama / Biography | GAYUK RATING ★★★★★
The Pass
The Pass take place in a ten-year time span which tracks the relationship between two Premiership football players. There’s always been some kind of chemistry and attraction between James (an electric and very good Russell Tovey) and Ade (Arinzé Kene – Hollyoaks– also very good). We meet both of them while they’re sharing a hotel room in 2006 in Bulgaria right before one of their first big matches. They’re both very young, and they’re also both very fit, masculine and extremely sexy, and they spend the first third of the movie in their tight white underwear. Read the full review here. Drama | GAYUK RATING ★★★★
God’s Own Country
Being referred to as a West Yorkshire Brokeback Mountain, God’s Own Country tells the story of a young farmer who works on the family farm and has casual sex with some of the local boys. But when a Romanian migrant worker shows up to help him out on the farm, their working relationship turns into more than just work, changing both their lives. Shot against the beautiful backdrop that is Yorkshire, God’s Own Country is definitely this year’s hottest and most mainstream gay film. Director and writer Francis Lee, in his feature-length directorial debut (he has acting credits that go back to 1994), has crafted a gay romance set on a farm, a romance that, when it gets lit, is explosive. Read the full review here. Drama | GAYUK RATING ★★★★
The Death And Life Of Marsha P. Johnson
“There’s a massive number of trans women who have been murdered, and they’re yelling out from their graves for justice”. An emotional and moving documentary on the life of Marsha P. Johnson by director David France, who also brought us How To Survive A Plague. Fans of the film call it “thought-provoking and insightful” as friends of the iconic activist try to shed light on her mysterious death and get justice for Marsha. Read the full review here. Documentary | GAYUK RATING ★★★★★
Blue Is The Warmest Colour
Determined to fall in love, 15-year-old Adele is focused on boys. But it’s a blue-haired girl she meets on the street who really piques her interest. Drama | GAYUK RATING ★★★★
100 Men
Paul Oremland looks back on his 100 sexual partners he tries to reconnect with some of them and discusses forty years of gay history and sexual revolution. Documentary | GAY UK RATING ★★★★
Making a trip to Key West? Here are some of the must-see, free things to do while on the gay-friendly island.
Big gay road trip
Firstly getting to Key West can be one big gay affair with your very own big gay road trip. Key West is by far one of the most friendly areas for gay travellers in the United States outside San Francisco or New York.
Travelling by car to any of the keys is definitely the most impressive way to see all the keys and their different styles. Simply slap on some Shania Twain, Britney and Kylie and sing your heart out in a convertible for mile after mile.
Gay Key West Visitors Centre
Want to find out more about what’s gay in Key West the helpful Gay Key West Visitors’ Centre should be your first stop.
Hot tub it at a gay guest house
Bourbon has an all-male guest house called New Orleans House (724 Duval Street). You don’t need to be a guest to use their facilities, but drinks and foods are chargeable. So why not take a dip in one of their pools and feel free to shed some clothes as the resort is clothing optional.
Pan Am’s birthplace
Pan Am was an iconic airline which can trace its roots to Key West. Pan Am was seen as one of the world’s finest airlines. It introduced the world to the Jumbo Jet, was the first airline to space (in film anyway, thanks to 2001: A Space Odessey) and its camp but classic uniforms have been copied and revered countless times, including in the Britney Spears’ music video for ‘Toxic’. As far as we know, Pan Am is the only airline that has a drag queen named after it, Pam Ann.
Photograph yourself with an icon
Fancy getting up and close to a true icon. Outside the Tropic cinema, there’s a life-size model of Marilyn Monroe. Make sure you see the cinema at night when the neon lights shine brightly making the independent cinema complex a must-see on the island.
Gay bar crawl
It’s quite easy to do a gay bar crawl in Key West, after all, they are, for the most part, on one street, Duval Street. There’s the Bourbon Street Pub, 801, Bobby’s Monkey Bar, Aqua Key West, La Te Da, Saloon1, Garden of Eden. Duval Street is also famous for having the world’s biggest pride flag unravelled along its 1.25 miles.801 Bourbon Bar and Bobbies Monkey Bar provide free Karaoke most days of the week.
Key West Historical Memorial Sculpture Garden
Key people to Key West are memorialised at the Sculpture Garden, including writer Tennessee Williams who was key to assimilating the LGBT community into Key West. While you’re at you could pop into the Tennessee Williams’ exhibit. He lived in Key West until his death in 1983. It is open daily from 9:30 AM til 4:30 PM (there is an admission charge for the museum).
Kissing your partner at the southernmost sunset in the USA
Every night hundreds of people gather at Mallory Square to watch and applaud the setting of the sun. It’s one of the most beautiful sights you’ll see and well worth giving your partner a quick smooch as the sun goes down.
Holding hands at the southernmost point of the USA
Hold your partner’s hand at the southernmost point on continental USA.
Higgs Beach
Although technically not a “gay beach” Higgs has a poignant AIDS memorial, which informs visitors about gay history. The beach is at the southern end of White St. with Higgs Beach Dog Park on the Westside.
If you find yourself at a loose end and just don’t know what to watch, here are five LGBT or camp classics on the streaming service NOW TV for you to enjoy.
Mean Girls ★★★★★
Wearing Pink is not absolutely required but suggested. Naive new girl Lindsay Lohan accidentally falls in with catty queen bee Rachel McAdams. Top teen comedy. Moderate language/mature themes/flashing images. (2004)(93 mins) Streaming until 17th Jan 2021
Just Charlie ★★★★★
Tender drama about a gifted young footballer whose future appears mapped out, until a long-held and closely guarded secret comes out into the open. Harry Gilby stars. (2017)(99 mins) Streaming until 31st May 2019
First Wives Club ★★★★★
Three of the campest gay icons join forces to create the 90’s campest film. Goldie Hawn, Diane Keaton and Bette Midler take revenge on the husbands who dumped them for trophy wives. Girl power comedy with Maggie Smith and Sarah Jessica Parker. (1996)(99 mins) Streaming until 29th Feb 2020
As Good As It Gets ★★★★★
Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt are on Oscar-winning form as a cranky novelist has to look after his gay neighbour’s dog after the neighbour is queer bashed in his own apartment. Bittersweet comedy. Strong language/mature themes. (1997)(134 mins) Streaming until 30th Nov 2019.
Boys Don’t Cry ★★★★★
Moving to a new town, an Oscar-winning Hilary Swank hides a secret that could rip her life apart. True-life drama. Strong language/drug use/violence/sexual violence. (1999)(114 mins) Streaming until 11th April 2020
Others:
In and Out ★★★
Teacher Kevin Kline becomes the talk of the town after being pronounced gay by a famous ex-pupil. With an Oscar-nominated Joan Cusack. Strong language/sex/mature themes. (1997)(90 mins) Streaming until 31st Oct 2019
Sadly most people these days wake up as stressed as they went to bed. This means that we often wake up dreading the day instead of being ready to take it on. It is easy to change this by doing a few simple things in your early morning routine, but a lot of people think this might take too much time.
This is a misconception as in fact: taking a few minutes in the morning to get ready for the day will boost your energy levels and will make you work faster: leaving you with more time by the end of the day to do things you really want to do: like hobbies.
1. Avoid screens (1). Waking up clear headed begins with going to bed clear headed. Stop turning on your computer late at night thinking “I’ll just do that one last thing …” as we all know you’ll still be doing that one last thing at 3.00PM. Instead of pulling all-nighters you’ll be far more productive during the day if you avoid flashing screens altogether for at least half an hour before you go to sleep. Rest your mind with a book or listening to some soft music or a radio play.
Your brain needs to recover from the glare of the computer, followed by the glare of the TV. An overload of images right before going to bed is detrimental to a good nights rest.
CREDIT: Minerva-Studio-bigstock
2. Get things ready before going to bed. Choose what you’re going to wear the next day early the evening before. After this think about what else you might need and put it out. Getting details in order the evening before saves you precious time and stress in the morning.
3. Wake up at-least half an hour before you have to. It’s a myth to think that it’s that extra half hour of sleep that would help you to wake up feeling refreshed. You’d be surprised to know that this is not the case. Waking up a little earlier means you can start your day slow and relaxed, as you have some time for yourself instead of; jumping out of bed, rushing into the shower, wolfing down your breakfast and dashing out.
4. Do NOT set an alarm. This might sound odd, but there is a very good reason for this: when you use an alarm to stir you in the morning you do not wake up naturally. The sudden beeps of the alarm disrupt your sleep and you jolt awake abruptly, stressed out before you’ve even opened your eyes. Hitting the snooze button after this makes things even worse as dozing off means you will be waking up again ten minutes later at the beginning of the sleep cycle. The worst point to be woken up.
Instead of using your alarm try and exercise mind and body into resetting your biological clock so you’ll wake naturally. I do not advise to start training this during a working week as you may run into trouble.
5. Avoid screens (2). Do not reach out for your phone or laptop the second you wake up. Those e-mails, messages and Tweets can wait. Immediately going for the phone means you’re starting work the moment you wake up causing stress levels to rise abruptly. Reading Twitter does not equal time for yourself. The internet late at night you’ll be on that phone/tablet for the next 40+ minutes, losing precious time and will stressed for the rest of the day.
6. Begin the day with positive affirmations: Find a motivational meditation that speaks to you and play it the moment you wake up. Early in the morning, your mind is very susceptible and the affirmations will remain with you throughout the day.
Alternatively, if you do not like to play recordings early in the morning: reading positive affirmations instead will do just as well.
7. Go over your daily goals: What was it you had planned for the day? What is essential? Remember it and think about how you want to do it.
8. Do some exercise: Some people swear by exercising first thing in the morning: it is easy to see why: it gets done and sets you up for the rest of the day. It is also obvious why many more people feel quite queasy at the thought of doing strenuous exercise first thing in the morning.
Still, even if you don’t like working out first thing in the morning, it is a good idea to at least do something to wake up your body, your metabolism and your mind. Try ten minutes of easy exercise that suit you. A bit of yoga, for example, a few sit-ups a little cardio or pilates, even going up and down the stairs a few times. (Always, always stretch before anything you do though!!) Doing some moves early in the morning is like physical coffee that gets you going.
9. Practice Mindfulness: Take your breakfast and relax. Eat slowly and try to truly taste what you are eating. After you have finished don’t jump up immediately but slowly close your eyes and do a brief body scan. Take a few breaths and pay attention to what you feel and hear around you. This should take no more than two or three minutes: a mini meditation.
10. Talk to your loved ones: Take some time out to talk to your partner/family or live in friend. Give a kiss and a cuddle. The best way to start the day is with love.
There are certain things not to say if your friend comes to you with and says that they are suffering with their mental health. Your reaction could really help or hinder their progress.
The lines that I would suggest avoiding in this situation are:
‘’Get yourself together.’’
Depression, for example, is not something you can simply put a cast on and a few weeks later it has healed. Mental conditions are not someone’s fault, and this statement implies that it is self-induced. It may also deepen the shame that they have if they’re struggling to come to terms with the fact they might have a mental illness.
‘’I get it, I have bad days too.”
While this seems like an attempt to build a connection and make how they’re feeling more relatable, this type of statement actually minimises the pain that they’re suffering and makes it sound as though their current mental state is trivial.
‘’You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself.’’
If someone is struggling to verbalise any negative or hard to deal with feelings, then this kind of statement will make them feel as though they are complaining and a burden to you. Throw away comments like this suggest that you’re not taking their emotions seriously – as though it is something that they can simply ‘get over’.
“What have you got to be down about, you have everything a person could want, a family, a wife, a job, a home.’’
What’s important to remember here is that mental illness is not a choice. A person can have everything that would make someone else happy, but that’s irregardless – they are still feeling mentally unwell, and this statement is unsupportive. A person may be successful on the outside, but no one knows what is happening on the inside.
“Everything is going to be fine.”
How do you know it is? Aside from the fact that this statement isn’t based on anything tangible, someone who is suffering from a mental health condition may struggle to see past the next hour. Asking them to look ahead is something that they may struggle to perceive.
“We should catch up sometime.”
Connection and consistency are important to someone who is struggling. These throwaway statements should not be used as they suggest that you may not mean it. Instead plan a time and a date and something definitive instead.
The Best Things To Say
“Are you okay?”
Simple but effective. It may be that no one has asked that simple question for a while and if you follow this up with “is there anything I can do to help?”, they may feel safe enough to begin the conversation.
“Let’s have a night in.”
By not suggesting that they need to get out more, it will allow them to approach their mental health in a step-by-step way. Instead, suggest staying in with them and do something that they will enjoy. It’s also a good opportunity to start a conversation and be there to listen while they share their feelings.
“Tell me about how you’re feeling.”
Be empathetic but not patronising. They don’t want to feel like they’re in a therapy session but by encouraging communication, they’ll hopefully feel like you’re a trustworthy ear.
“Give me a call if you ever need to chat – day or night.”
Finish your chat with them by reasserting the fact that you are there to chat whenever they need to. Then, make sure that you are actually available to talk when they do reach out. It will take them a lot of courage to pick up the phone and say that they’re struggling.
“Can I cook you dinner tonight?”
Little things go a long way. A simple gesture such as making them dinner will mean a lot to them and reassure them that you are looking out for their wellbeing.
“You are not in this alone.”
Instead of saying that “there is always someone who is worse off” which will make them feel inferior, try comforting them by saying that you will get through this together. A strong support network is key.
Keep Things Normal
Try not to treat them any differently. Ask them normal things such as “Do you want to go for a coffee?” or “Did you see that show last night?”. That way, they feel that their mental illness has not pushed people away and even if they say no, don’t give up on them, he may just need time.
“What Can I Do?”
Most of the time they will not need anything tangible, just someone to listen and not judge.
“How are you feeling today?”
Ask about how they truly feel instead of the generic “how are you?”. Try, “I have noticed you are not yourself and I want to know how you are feeling”, then be prepared to listen to them after without judgement.
“Do you need to talk? I’m here if so.”
Sometimes venting or talking about how and what they are feeling can make it a little bit better, even if just temporarily. However, the long-term positive effects from this question will be that they will know you are there for them and that they will feel supported.
Make sure that your check-ins are genuine and regular. Make sure that you don’t push them too hard, too soon but also don’t let them off the hook when they reply “I am fine”. There’s a fine balance between pushing someone too far, too soon and giving up too easily.
“What was the best part of your day?”
May sound like an odd thing to ask, but by asking them this, you’re essentially asking them to find a positive in each day. It will make them feel like they have achieved something and that they are successful.
“Chat to me about how you’re feeling.”
You can try open-ended questions. Try to keep language neutral and casual and give them plenty of time to answer and to find the right words to truly express their emotions. Likewise, when they do respond, try not to grill them with lots of questions.
“Do you want some space?”
While it’s important to show support by being present in someone’s life and ensure them that they are not alone and also making sure that they are not isolating themselves, often some time alone can be helpful to digest how they are feeling or to simply recharge their batteries.
What Answers Should You Be Worried About
Free-Photos / Pixabay
“I can’t do this anymore” or “I can’t go on.”
If you suspect they are thinking of taking their own life, it is very important to encourage them to get help such as contacting their GP or NHS on 111.
“I really need to have a few drinks.”
We’re not saying that having a few drinks is always going to be a warning sign, but if your friend doesn’t usually suggest alcohol as a coping mechanism or you’ve noticed that they are drinking more than normal, then this could be an early indicator of misuse disorders.
“I’ve always got a headache at the moment.”
Headaches, while they are never pleasant, could actually be a sign of stress in this case. Built up stress can cause headaches, migraines and chronic headaches and research has also found they are strongly linked to many anxiety disorders.
“I’m really struggling to sleep at the moment.”
Sleep is closely linked with many mental health conditions and actually sometimes has a chicken and egg effect. A lack of sleep can cause the onset of many conditions whereas restless nights, tossing and turning and even sleeping too much can be a warning sign of insomnia and depression. There’s also a strong link between sleep and some anxiety disorders.
How And When You Should Encourage Them To Seek Further Help
Warning signs such as the above are key things to look out for – many of them are early indicators that their mental health is affecting their physical wellbeing. It is crucial that you try to encourage them to seek help from professionals.
A subtle but equally dangerous warning sign of mental illness is hopelessness. Studies have found that hopelessness is a strong predictor of suicide with some people struggling to talk about unbearable feelings, predicting a bleak future for themselves and stating they have nothing to look forward too.
Do everything you can to help them get the help they need. As a friend, you yourself can call a crisis line for advice about the best way to support your friend or loved one, and you can inquire about referrals. You can try and get help from local charities, such as counselling organisations and support groups. On top of that, encourage them to see a mental health professional or go along to the doctor’s appointment.
Small things like encouraging positive lifestyle changes such as plenty of sleep and going out for a walk on their lunch break. Exercise is extremely important as it releases endorphins, relieves stress and promotes emotional well-being.
Also, there is an innovative, medication-free treatment which is now available which can treat the symptoms of mental health issues. This treatment is called Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), this treatment stimulates specific areas of the brain which are affected by mental illnesses (such as depression, anxiety and OCD) using magnetic pulses. The depression treatment has been approved by NICE as being safe and effective. An intensive course of the treatment could potentially reverse the symptoms of depression in two to three weeks.
Chloe Ward is Technician at Smart TMS, the UK’s leading mental health clinic specialising in Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation.
The city that doesn’t sleep isn’t cheap. In fact, you’ll find it hard to find free things to do, but here are 10 of our favourites.
Empire State Building, Midtown, Manhattan, NYC
Planning on going to New York? Well, as a gay traveller there are certain things you have to do, like visiting the Stonewall Inn or even planning a night out at the infamous Cock bar. But, if you’re on a budget here are some of our favourite things to do for free, or just the price of a drink, in one of the greatest cities in the world.
Staten Island Ferry
Staten Island Ferry, View of Boat
This is one of the go-to free things to do while in the city of New York. The 5.2-mile trip takes you right past the Statue of Liberty giving you an outstanding opportunity to take a full-on frontal picture of the great lady. The cruise takes about 25 minutes and runs every 15 to 30 minutes depending on the time of day. Many people disembark once arriving at Staten Island and get straight back on the boat for the return journey.
The Central Park Reservoir
On a sunny day, the 1.5-mile walk around Central Park’s reservoir will enliven the senses and make you feel like you’re a world away from the hustle and bustle of Midtown and Downtown Manhattan. It stretches from 86th to 96th Street (very close to the Guggenheim Museum).
The decommissioned reservoir holds over a billion US gallons of water and covers 106 acres. One of the best times of year to walk around the reservoir is when the cherry blossoms are blooming.
The High Line
Take a stroll along the disused and abandoned railway track set above the streets of Lower Manhattan. It’s a 1.45-mile walk which leads you through landscaped gardens over the roads. The High Line has been repurposed from a former railroad, which was created to ship goods from one part of the city to the other. It runs from 34th Street to Gansevoort Street, in the Meatpacking District. After “getting off” the high line, head for the Bus Stop Cafe on the corner of Bethune and Hudson for a spot of lunch.
Stonewall Inn
Where it all began. The birth of the modern gay rights movement in the USA. Located in the gay/gay-friendly neighbourhood on Christopher Street, a trip to the famous Stonewall Inn should be high on your list of gay things to do in New York. Entry is free, but please do buy a drink and support this historic, legendary venue.
Christoper Park
Situated outside the Stonewall Inn in the centre of Christopher Street is Christoper Park. Christopher Street is the oldest street in the West Village and in the 1970s became the “Main Street” of gay New York. Over the decades, numerous shops, bars and other businesses that cater for the LGBT community have populated the street. Make sure you get your photo at the Gay Street sign which coincidentally intersects with Christopher Street.
In Christopher Park, there’s a Gay Liberation Monument where numerous bonze statuses, covered in white lacquer sculptures commemorate the Stonewall Riots, which took place in 1969. It features four people. Two men and two women.
9/11 Memorial Park
A humbling experience awaits at the 9/11 memorial. Take time to reflect and remember.
A humbling experience awaits in the mass of skyscrapers at the lower end of Manhattan. This is where, in the footprints of the original World Trade Centre twin towers, you’ll find the names of nearly 3000 people, who died on September 11th, 2001, etched into bronze, on the outer rim of the two reflecting pools where the towers once stood. There is a museum as well. However, queue lines are long, and the entry ticket costs a whopping $44 each for admission and the tour. You can get significantly reduced entry by purchasing a New York CityPASS.
The Buildings
Empire State Building, Midtown, Manhattan, NYC
One of greatest attractions of New York is its buildings and where NYC is concerned, bigger is best. Across Manhattan, you’ll discover icon after icon. There’s the Empire State Building, The Rockefeller Center, Radio City, Carnegie Hall, New York Times, Times Square, The Chrysler Building, The United Nations building, One World Trade Center, the former PamAm building (now MetLife), The Guggenheim and Madison Square Gardens. The list goes on and on.
Pier Life
Pride Kickoff Rally 2013, Tribeca, Manhattan
If you’ve ever watched Paris Is Burning, you’ll know that the piers played a considerable part in LGBT+ life in New York especially during the 70s, 80s and 90s. The dilapidated piers reaching out into the Hudson River became a hang out for those on the fringes of society. Some of the piers have been redeveloped and given a new lease of life. Take a walk to the piers at the end of Christopher Street. It’s not uncommon to find all manner of activities taking place, like dance classes or music to listen to.
This year’s pride parade takes place on the 24th June. Check out the parade route here.
Walk the Brooklyn Bridge
Walk the walk. 10,000 people every day cross the Brooklyn Bridge
This famous bridge is well worth the walk – despite the crowds (apparently 10,000 people use the footbridge part every day). The views of Lower Manhattan from the centre are breathtaking. The Brooklyn Bridge is one of the oldest bridges in the USA. It was finished in 1883 and was designated a National Historic Landmark in 1964. Look out for the 3500 bikers who use the bridge every day too. They aren’t particularly friendly towards pedestrians who walk on the cycle lane!
Once in Brooklyn make the short walk to Brooklyn Bridge Park for some impressive views of the waterway between Brooklyn and Manhattan and the famous NYC skyline.
Big Apple Greeter
Believe it or not, you can get a free walking tour with the Big Apple Greeter organisation, whose team of volunteers will show you New York in a totally personal light. You should request your greeter at least three to four weeks before your trip to New York. The Big Apple Greeter has a no tipping policy, but they do ask you to consider donating to help continue the non-profit service.
Marie’s Crisis Bar
Ask anyone where to go for a good night out that’s camp and gay and they’ll probably suggest this legendary piano bar, where show tunes and awesome singers are the promised offering. It’s a gay bar just off 7th Avenue behind Christopher Street on Grove Street. Be prepared for how busy it gets and bring cash for drinks and tips. We loved this Yelp review from Niall and it pretty much sums up this venue:
“While this is a gay bar it is also a musical bar. There are two types here; gays who love musicals and everyone else who loves musicals. If you are a member of either tribe you are family, if not, please keep it moving!”
How to get to NYC?
Wondering on the cheapest way to get to Manhattan after arriving from JFK – check out our guide here.
Our top tip is if you’re going to be a total tourist – which you totally should be in this magnificent city, then purchase yourself a CityPASS. It will give you access to numerous tourist destinations, like the Empire State Building and the Statue of Liberty for 40 percent off. It costs around £96.27 and is well worth the price if you plan on visiting all of the destinations on offer.
When a friend is in need, it can be hard to know how to react, here are some tips to help you listen and help a friend in need.
MabelAmber / Pixabay 11 ways you can help a friend struggling to cope
1) Ask if everything is okay
“How are you feeling?” Sometimes someone just needs to be asked if they are okay. Asking a simple, “how do you feel?” will let the other person know you are open to chat.
2) Just listen
If your friend starts to talk, let them speak. Don’t interrupt in the first few minutes. If you’re confused about the timeline or the people involved, circle back round to it in your repeat back.
3) Repeat back
Let your friend know that you’ve been listening by repeating back some of what they’ve said to you. In a way, it can help you summarise what you’ve heard. If you’re unclear on something here is where you can explore.
4) Ask open questions
Don’t shut the conversation down by asking a closed question. These are questions that can be answered with a “Yes” or a “No”. Instead look for open questions which will allow someone to open up and talk. They usually begin with “How”, “Why”, “What”. Closed questions begin with: “Is…”, “Can…”, “Did…” and “Are…”
5) Verbal nods
When someone is talking and sharing with you, you’ll want to show that you’re actively listening. You can do this with verbal nods, which are affirmative sounds, like “yes”, “okay” or “I hear you”.
6) Use their language
Sometimes people struggle with the right terminology or words to express themselves. Echo some of the words that stick out to you. It can act as a way of letting someone explain the way they feel more fully.
7) Don’t judge
It can be difficult not to judge someone and their actions based on what you think you’d do in the same situation. But you’re not in their situation so your judgement is pretty irrelevant here. Just listen. This is a really good moment to check how you’re sounding and talking. How is your tone of voice?
8) Don’t make it about you
Be there for your friend, so let them have this moment. Let them get everything they need to off their chest.
9) Don’t tell someone that you “get it” or “I know you feel”.
The likelihood is that you don’t or won’t. Unless you’ve been in exactly the same situation you won’t know what they’re going through. Even if you have been through something similar to your friend, you are both very different people and will deal with situations differently. It’s best to say something like, “I hear you”, “I understand what you’re saying”.
10) Don’t try and fix it
This can be really tough because you might feel like you’ve got the answer, but it’s always best to let people work out their own answers that will work with their circumstances. Also, how often do people really take advice – especially when it isn’t asked for… never. So ask your friend what they think the solution is and then repeat steps 3 to 9.
11) Speak to a stranger
Suggest that they call the Samaritans or Switchboard LGBT+ Helpline. Speaking to a stranger or someone on the end of a phone, who isn’t connected to them in any way can be a way in which your friend might feel more comfortable sharing their problems with. Samaritan’s phone number is: 116 123 or Switchboard is: 0330 330 0630.
What’s in your bedside drawer? Is it full of random stuff? You know, the kind of stuff that you just don’t know what to do with? Clear it all out and make sure you have these 9 essential items in your nightstand.
CREDIT: CC0 Public Domain / Pixabay / Unsplash
Condoms
There’s no point in having your condoms in the bathroom in a completely separate room from where all the action is happening. Make sure your condoms are right in grabbing distance. Even better so that you don’t ruin the flow of your night put them under your pillow. Also, don’t forget to stock some non-latex condoms. Some guys may have a negative reaction to latex.
Even if you’re in a long-term relationship and don’t use condoms anymore, it’s always good to have some in stock if you both decide to have a third/fourth or fifth around for some fun. Make sure any rubbers you have are still in date.
Lube
And don’t just have one type of lube. Have a variety. As they say, variety is the spice of life. Depending on what you’re doing you might need different lubes. If you’re using condoms make sure you’re using silicone or water based lubes, if you’re going bare you might prefer a more oil based or buttery lube. If toys are your thing you should use water-based lubes.
The gay man’s Kama Sutra
Want to up your bedroom game? Get this book to give you ideas and some insightful tips on new positions. Wow your partner with some new moves with the gay man’s Kuma Sutra.
Breath mint
Worried about morning breath? There’s nothing worse than breath can peel the wallpaper off from fifty feet. Pack some mints in your bedside drawers. Then pop one in first thing if you’re planning for a morning bonk.
Pad and pen
Ever wake up in the mid of night with the world’s most amazing idea and completely forget it by the morning? Keeping a pen and pad by your bed is key to collecting all those midnight memories. Also if you’re not sure you’ll remember the name of the person you’ve just gone to bed with you can always jot it down!
Glasses
If you need glasses keep a set by your bed, especially if you like reading or watching TV last thing at night. Also, comes in very handy if you need to get up in the middle of the night to pee.
Some toys
Sex toys deserve to be placed near to where the action is going to take place. That way you can seamlessly integrate them into your sex life.
Cum rag
Yep. When the business is done, don’t go searching high and low, have a rag on hand to clear up all the mess. Also can be great to have a cloth or scrap of material to place used toys or condoms on ready to clear up in the morning.
Bio Oil
I know this a random choice, but it’s a perfect night oil for your face. Wake with softer more youthful skin. This is a grooming product I absolutely swear by.
We asked Sexpert Alix Fox about how to get the most from your one night stands. Having written for many large titles on the various aspects of sex, her nookie knowledge spans the whole sexual spectrum from beginner and vanilla to the most obscure and fascinating kooky kinks.
“I’m a strong advocate of the idea that almost anything goes in the boudoir so long as it’s safe, consensual, and conscientiously considered, so whatever rocks your world is unlikely to shock this girl!” she smiles. “Equally though, I don’t preach that you have to be some kind of crazy wild child in order to have a satisfying love life – not at all. Sex isn’t a competition to see who can be the most bonkers, so I’m a big believer in getting the basics right, and recognising and developing whatever works for you.”
Since she’s down-to-earth about getting down ‘n’ dirty, THEGAYUK asked Alix to give some top tips on getting the best from one night stands. “Often, the one night stand – or ONS – is simply a one-off night of indulgent fun for both partners,” she says, “but sometimes an ONS can leave both parties feeling like the experience could have been better, both physically and emotionally, and perhaps stop a could-have-been relationship in its tracks if it’s disappointing. There are no hard and fast rules about how to make a hard and fast night go brilliantly, but my tips are designed to avoid a one night stand becoming a stand-up comedy (or worse) and instead make it stand and deliver a damn great time, and maybe even lead to more.”
Make sure your head’s in the right place (and I’m not talking about saucy positions).
Many a lasting love has stemmed from what was originally intended to be a one night stand, and some people like to cut to the chase and find out quickly if they’re likely to be sexually compatible before they begin dating someone on a longer-term basis. However, the majority of ONSs are just that – one-time hook-ups. Ensure that you’re in the right frame of mind to appreciate this. Be honest with yourself about the situation, and realistic in your expectations. If, afterwards, it’ll make you bawl if they don’t call, an ONS could set you up for a fall.
Clear the doom from your room.
If you know you’re likely to be bringing someone back to your place, do at least a 10-minute basic tidy before you head out. Make your bed; whack dirty washing out of sight; make sure there’s bog roll and baby wipes in the bathroom so it’s easy for your ONS to freshen up before you get fresh; and for God’s sake, make sure there’s no poo in your loo. Ew! This may not be your style, but I like scented candles in my boudoir: not only do they make it smell delicious, but they cast light that’s much more flattering and relaxing than having the big bulb on.
Get Durexcellent!
Surely I do not need to tell you the zillion reasons why you need to use protection if a newcomer penis is going to feature in your plans. Carry at least a couple of condoms, and carry them correctly: they can get creased and damaged in your wallet, so slip some into a metal business card holder instead. Keep condoms by your bed, too – I empty mine into a discreet wooden box so that a new lover doesn’t see an opened packet and wonder who (ahem) came before him. Just make sure that if you have a mixture in there, they’re all in date. Top quality condoms mean peace of mind, easier use and better sensation. If you’re sleeping with someone for one night only, don’t risk the experience being downgraded by relying on some dodgy beer-flavoured novelty rubber from a pub vending machine.
Don’t let ‘one on the rocks’ stop you getting your rocks off.
It might be tempting to knock back extra booze to give you Dutch Courage before an ONS, but that ‘one for the road’ could make sex a car crash. Too much booze can make it tougher for gents to maintain an erection, and generally makes it more likely that your ONS will become a fumbling, bumbling, right rum do. Alcohol can make your mouth dry, too; grab a glass of water before you head to bed to keep kisses (and the rest) juicy.
Check your bellybutton before you try to push buttons!
Pre-sauce session, nip to the WC and check your navel isn’t full o’ fluff! If you’ve worn a new top or pants, and especially if you’re a hairy guy, there may be lint in there. It’s not seductive for a new partner to find Carpet World hiding in your tummybutton while they’re kissing their way down your happy trail.
A kiss is not a contract.
And neither is inviting someone into your home or going back to theirs. If you change your mind at any point during an ONS, that is just fine. You don’t owe anybody anything, so don’t feel obliged to go through with something or push yourself beyond your comfort zone ‘because you’ve already got this far’. The objective for both people is to have a good time. If you’re not, stop. And if your play pal says they’d like to slow down – or you just get the vibe that this might be the case even if they don’t pipe up – be cool, respectful and good-natured about it, and make it clear that just savouring some snogging together – or whatever – is A-OK. Being honourable is way more important than any orgasm.
Turn ‘interruption’ into ‘intimacy’ or ‘intensity’.
Some people complain that putting on condoms ‘interrupts the moment’ or ‘spoils the mood’, which can be particularly unwelcome during an ONS, but that doesn’t have to be the case at all. Putting a condom on means that all the attention is focused closely on the penis, and that can be an enticing, exciting thing for you both, rather than a moment of sombre, serious silence. If you’re not the one unrolling the condom, don’t sit staring like a spare part while he prepares his parts: be vocal about how hot his cock looks if you’re into dirty talk, or stroke his neck, nipples, torso or inner thighs. Suspect he needs to concentrate or not feel like he’s being watched, but don’t want to feel like a left-out lemon? Get behind him and kiss his neck or put your arms around him and lay your head on his back. Alternatively, put on a show that will keep him hard and thus make the condom-donning easier by touching yourself in front of him.
Give a (hopefully genuine) compliment or two.
You may never see your ONS again, but by saying something nice about how they look in the nude, or an aspect of their technique, you leave them with a pleasant memory and a confidence boost. Even if, in some ways, the sex turns out a little clumsily – as it can when you’re with a new partner whose body and tastes you’re unfamiliar with – simple praise like “Mmm, your ass is gorgeous!” or “You’re great at that” can help leave an overriding impression that the experience with you was a worthwhile, good one. Which is helpful if you do see them again.
Make sure you can grab a cab.
Install a taxi app on your mobile that uses GPS to find your location and allows you to pay using your pre-loaded credit card details, so that if you go back to someone else’s place, you can always get home safely and easily as and when you want to, without needing to give a cabbie directions or have cash on you.
Talk with your hands.
We all know good communication improves sex. In long-term relationships, you get to gradually explore about what your partner likes, and discuss what works for you both. Yet with a one night stand, you and your playmate may know little or nothing about each other’s preferences. You need to learn fast, but you’re eager for copulation, not conversation – so let your fingers do some of the talking instead. If you’re giving oral sex, try putting a digit in your lover’s mouth, telling them “Show me what you like”, and mimicking their movements and pace as they lick or suck it.
The Brits are here, queer and releasing music by the millions…
Which gay British artist has sold the most records?
From Sam Smith to Elton, Freddie Mercury to Will Young but which are the biggest sellers? We collated this list from available sales figures available online. Actual sales figures may be higher or lower than printed here.
Joe McElderry <1 million
X Factor’s Joe’s debut single, a version of Miley Cyrus’ “The Climb” went on to sell over 800,000 copies in the UK. Like another constituent of this list, Joe’s sexuality was unknown during his time on the talent show which made him famous.
Pet Shop Boys 1 million (at least)
“Always On My Mind” ending up selling over 1 million records for LGBT+ identifying duo Pet Shop Boys. It’s the biggest selling single of their career.
Callum Scott 1.363 million
Relatively unknown and newcomer Callum Scott managed to secure a million-selling single with “Dancing On My Own”. Released in 2017.
Will Young 1.7 million
When Will won the first ever Pop Idol nobody actually knew he was gay, until the very next day when there was a huge splash across the tabloids. His debut single, “Evergreen” / “Anything Is Possible” went on to sell a huge 1.7 million records
Boy George / Culture Club 5 million
Culture Club, fronted by Boy George sold a whopping 5 million records globally with their song “Karma Chameleon”. The song was released in 1983 and became a huge disco hit for the group.
George Michael 6 million
George’s biggest selling record to date is “Careless Whisper”, which he released after splitting from WHAM! The song was a huge world-wide hit for the singer. It went to number 1 in 25 countries selling over 6 million singles. His most charted song is “Last Christmas” (2 million copies and counting) which reenters the top 10 almost every Christmas. It’s the biggest selling song to never get to number 1.
Freddie Mercury / Queen 8 million
“Bohemian Rhapsody” is one of the biggest selling singles (and apparently the most expensive ever made) of all time and it was written by Freddie Mercury. During his life, Freddie admitted his sexuality fears to his ex-girlfriend, apparently, that he didn’t know whether he was gay or straight.
Sam Smith 8 million
Sam Smith’s is the second newest artist on our list after Calum Scott, but he’s already racked up 6 number ones, including, incredible the only number 1 song for a Bond film. The song “Stay With Me” has sold over 8 million copies (digital).
David Bowie 10 million
It’s impossible to know how exactly how many copies of “Let’s Dance” David Bowie sold, but the album with the same name sold 10 million copies when it was released in 1983, making it his best selling album and single of all time. Note: David Bowie never identified as gay, but his sexuality was often considered to be bisexual.
Elton John 33 million
The granddaddy of music, Elton John has sold millions and millions of records. His biggest-ever seller single was the 1997 tribute to Diana Princess Of Wales, “Candle In The Wind”. It apparently sold over 33 million singles. It has a double A-side – the other song was “The Way You Look Tonight”.
** UPDATE: A previous version incorrectly labelled David Bowie’s track “Let’s Dance”, “Just Dance” and has been corrected.
Before you go to town, there are a few things you should know…
So what is Rimming?
Rimming if you’re not in the know is where one person (the rimmer) licks, sucks, kisses, penetrates their partner’s (rimmee) anus with their tongue.
There’s a lot of guys who absolutely love receiving it and giving it, or both, but if the idea of rimming makes you feel a bit icky we’ve got some tips to make the w(hole) thing a lot more sexier.
Trim that hair
Although some people will love a hairy man butt, you should be aware that pubic hair around the ass will be teeming with bacteria. This is because little bits of faecal matter will cling to the hair (we call them chumber nuts)- and normal wiping with TP, won’t get rid of all of it. So you could buy some wet wipes, but it’s best to have a shower before any anal sex situation. Otherwise, you can shave your ass or even, if you’re brave, go for a waxing.
Clean it good
So while we’re on the matter of faecal matter, make sure that you have a good shower or bath before you get rimmed. Doctor Rick Viney, a consultant urological surgeon at BMI The Priory and BMI Edgbaston hospitals in Birmingham, told us, “there are plenty of E Coli in this environment so it is possible to get gastroenteritis…” So if you don’t want to spend time recovering from a dodgy belly, a good scrub from your rimmee is necessary.
Dam it
If you’re a bit icked out by the thought of sticking your tongue in some guy’s ass, why not try a dental dam. It’s a thin sheet of latex that you put in between your mouth and his butt. Check them out here
Talking about taste
If you’re gonna go straight for it and don’t want to use a dam, but not so taken with the taste of ass, then get the receiver to smother his asshole with flavoured lube.
You can get herpes…
So did you know you can get herpes from anal oral sex? Yes, if the giver has cold sores it’s best to stay clear of rimming until the sores have disappeared. Dr Rick Viney explained, “the risks from rimming are similar to oral sex. If there is active herpes, warts or syphilis these can spread directly to the mouth and vice versa.”
Lick it… Lick it good.
There are no hard and fast rules about what makes for a good rimming session. Whether you go up to down, from left to right, slow or fast, lapping or darting every moment will give the receiver feels.
For the receiver let your partner know what is working for you, by groans of enjoyment, similarly, the giver can ask, “does that feel good?” (obviously not when your mouth is full of ass)
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Up in the air
Probably the best position is with the receiver on their stomach whilst lifting the hips a little to make the hole accessible. You can also be on your back, however, if you’re a bit body conscious this might not be a great position.
On your back is a great position if you want to make eye contact with your rimmer.
You can also do what’s called face sitting. Where the rimmee essentially sits on the face of the rimmer. Be careful not to smother your partner. Leave room for breathing to take place.
Eat the right thing
As with anything butt related you might want to pay attention to what you’re eating before getting rimmed. You don’t want to spend the entire time worrying that you might blow off in your partner’s face.
Rimming is a fantastic way to prepare for anal sex. All that licking and tongue thrusting can really get the motor running before taking your session to the next level. It can also help the bottom become a little more relaxed before fingers or a dick is introduced… Bravo!
Leave your rimming stories and comments in the comment section below!
