I was thinking about all this nonsense from Russia with the laws that, in part, make sure that people are banned from ‘promoting’ gay lifestyles to juveniles.

Not dissimilar in parts to the laws that I grew up with, in the 1980s, whereby Section 28 ensured that schoolchildren weren’t allowed to have homosexuality ‘promoted’ for them.

Well, f**k it all. I’ve decided that it’s time we did promote homosexuality.

I’m composing an advert right now and here are my top 5 selling points (to be read out in a 1950’s radio announcer style):

1) Double Your Wardrobe:

Chaps: Short of clothes? Then why not go gay? Canny homosexuals can ensure that they always have plenty of decent slacks and jaunty shirts, provided they couple up with a man of similar height and waistline. Just beware that he doesn’t have a mean streak and don’t get mayonnaise on his cashmere as this could cause World War III.

2) Develop Style and Taste

The world of fashion, theatre and arts is full of those dashing young Gaylords. Why not join them. You too could be decorating your swanky apartment with Designers’ Guild wallpapers and doing quite cunning things with your eclectic collections of crockery that make your men friends green with envy.

3) Appreciate divas:

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Why limit yourself to Indie pop, thrash metal and gangsta rap? There’s a whole world of undiscovered angst out there and it’s wearing gold sequined frocks. From Dusty to Mariah: you’ll learn a whole new warbling style and be a musical genius in any public house quiz.

4) Find your G-spot:

It appears that Mother Nature played a nasty little trick and the male G-spot is in the back passage of most decent law abiding chaps. Naturally one can discover this without the aid of a male chum and with the use of a device of some sort but why not share the experience with a like-minded fellow?

5) Save time and money:

Grindr Fails

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Tired of wining and dining a charming young filly only to end up home alone and rather frustrated? Then why not go gay? Save time and money on getting your sexual gratification with a variety of clever methods that these homos have come up with. From cruising grounds to phone apps; there’s no preamble for these innovative young men. One quick type of a few rather Anglo-Saxon words and you can be relieving your manly urges leaving plenty of time for oiling that lawnmower or sorting out your tools in the shed.

Apologies for the stereotypes: this is totally tongue in cheek. Being gay is no problem for me. I’m lucky, I know, that I work in a place where it’s easily accepted that I’m gay, live in a cosmopolitan big city and have a circle of accepting friends.

Spare a thought for those places where the laws are draconian and plain evil and stay politically active.

About the author: Chris Bridges
Chris is a theatre and book obsessed Midlander who escaped to London. He's usually to be found slumped in a seat in a darkened auditorium.

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