PROBLEM AUNTY | I Sat On Something And Ended Up In A&E


The vilest Agony Aunt returns and this time a fan is deeply unhappy with the advice she gave, which resulted in him having to visit accident and emergency.

Dear Aunty,

Last month you told a guy to sit on as many objects as possible to get into the porn industry. This has to be the worst advice ever given. Iโ€™ve been sat in A&E because of a stupid experiment trying to insert something that shouldnโ€™t go there, and I think telling people they should try this is wrong.

Pete, Location not supplied.


Dear Pete,

I had to respond as itโ€™s not often I receive negative feedback for my words of wisdom. Quite clearly thrusting anything backstage is to be done with an air of reasonable judgment. After all, if you think shoving a cactus up your bum is a bad idea, then it probably is. Though you never specified what you managed to get stuck up there, Iโ€™m guessing it was something either, rather large, fragile or hot. So for those readers, like Pete here, who need a little leading

in life, hereโ€™s Auntyโ€™s top list of what NOT to clap your Guppy mouth around.

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1) Lightbulbs – This is not a bright idea.

2) Your own head – Unless using a snorkel.

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3) Elton Johnโ€™s piano –

This wonโ€™t get you fingered! Now stop being so idiotic and wasting our valuable NHS resources or mine.

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About the author: Aunty
The UK’s bitchiest agony aunt. Send her your woes if you dare.