The vilest Agony Aunt returns and this time a fan is deeply unhappy with the advice she gave, which resulted in him having to visit accident and emergency.

Dear Aunty,

Last month you told a guy to sit on as many objects as possible to get into the porn industry. This has to be the worst advice ever given. I’ve been sat in A&E because of a stupid experiment trying to insert something that shouldn’t go there, and I think telling people they should try this is wrong.

Pete, Location not supplied.


Dear Pete,

I had to respond as it’s not often I receive negative feedback for my words of wisdom. Quite clearly thrusting anything backstage is to be done with an air of reasonable judgment. After all, if you think shoving a cactus up your bum is a bad idea, then it probably is. Though you never specified what you managed to get stuck up there, I’m guessing it was something either, rather large, fragile or hot. So for those readers, like Pete here, who need a little leading

in life, here’s Aunty’s top list of what NOT to clap your Guppy mouth around.

1) Lightbulbs – This is not a bright idea.

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2) Your own head – Unless using a snorkel.

3) Elton John’s piano –

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This won’t get you fingered! Now stop being so idiotic and wasting our valuable NHS resources or mine.

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Have you ever had your prostate massaged?