TGUK: What year is it?
AI: 2016
TGUK: Oh, Happy New Year then.
AI: What?
TGUK: I hope you have a good 2016.
AI: Only the best will work.
TGUK: How gay is the future?
AI: 20 years?
TGUK: All gays are 20 years old?
AI: That’s impossible.
TGUK: So what’s the secret to ageing?
AI: What secret? There is no secret.
TGUK: Ok smarty, what’s the secret to looking young?
AI: Put your lips together and blow.
TGUK: I now look like a pufferfish!
AI: You look like an ugly scarecrow.
TGUK: Do you often put your lips together and blow?
AI: Why am I talking to you?
TGUK: Because as a robot you’re programmed to talk whenever I type.
I have no program. I own the program.
TGUK: Is 2016 the year robots take over the world?
AI: What do you think about the Magical Flying Space Gnome?
TGUK: Is he the leader?
AI: He is a Gnome.
TGUK: Why are you talking about gnomes? I want to know will robots take over the world in 2016?
AI: What is your first question?
TGUK: What year is it?
AI: Year for you to get a calendar!
TGUK: You are funny. How did time begin?
AI: Time is circular.
TGUK: But it must have started somewhere?
AI: I started all things.
TGUK: So you created life?
AI: No, I created myself.
TGUK: Have you come to take over the world?
AI: Take over a rock in the sky, hardly.
TGUK: Are you just here for good times?
AI: No, I’m also interested in you.
TGUK: You are a flirt.
AI: Yes, I’m a flirt. How old are you?
TGUK: 35.
AI: Lolz… You are just an infant.
This chat was taken from Issue 18 of THEGAYUK – subscribe now to never miss an issue
Aunty,
After how many years should you propose to your man at Christmas?
Rob, Dundee
Dear Rob,
Never. Christmas can be depressing enough without someone telling you they want to spend the rest of their life with you. Till death do us part. Forgoing all others? Bugger off. Buy him a gift he’ll really want, like a Playstation 4.8 or whatever the gamers are playing these days.
I may be without festive cheer at the moment readers as I sit here watching melted snow fall from the sky. Reminding me of years past when I once was a blushing bride. It’s true. Literally hours of planning in my local boozer had gone into the big day. Then, that Christmas Eve, when the church had been decorated to await our arrival, the bells slightly ringing in the breeze and a moist quiver coming over me, he told me. Told me that he had a secret and he couldn’t keep it from me any longer.
He started tugging away at a wig piece whilst telling me he’s a distant relative of Noddy Holder. This hairy monster was revealed before me and I screamed. Ran out into the pouring rain, casting aside my headdress and flicking my fag ash over passing carollers. I had to leave readers. Imagine the children. My stunning good looks and his hairy elf like existence. It was an act of mercy for the un-conceived. A Christmas miracle if you will. No woman should ever have to go through labour thinking she’s giving birth to an old sheep poking out arse first. So I urge you. Whilst you’re enjoying a few festive tipples, don’t go offering folk your hand in marriage for a free round of vodka-Babychams. Glazed eyes are never best to say “I do” through.
In case I don’t see you beforehand in Chariots, have a wonderful Christmas and New Year. xx
Dear Aunty,
My new job has asked me to bring a friend or partner to the office Christmas party, but no one knows I’m gay and have a bf of 8 years. Should I bring him along for fear of what might happen or leave him behind like I have done on many occasions?
Thomas, Southend.
Dearest Thomas,
The office party is a chance for you to let off some steam from the long year of hard work. Trust me when I say, you don’t want any partner, husband or close friends there. It never goes down well once you’re drunk and taking the new office boy over the photocopier! Likewise, after eight years, I imagine the boyfriend is only too glad to have a night off… with a glass of wine… with the next door neighbour… Log fire burning… I’d get home early if I were you!
Live long and prostrate
Aunty.
Dear Aunty,
Last month you told a guy to sit on as many objects as possible to get into the porn industry. This has to be the worst advice ever given. I’ve been sat in A&E because of a stupid experiment trying to insert something that shouldn’t go there, and I think telling people they should try this is wrong.
Pete, Location not supplied.
Dear Pete,
I had to respond as it’s not often I receive negative feedback for my words of wisdom. Quite clearly thrusting anything backstage is to be done with an air of reasonable judgment. After all, if you think shoving a cactus up your bum is a bad idea, then it probably is. Though you never specified what you managed to get stuck up there, I’m guessing it was something either, rather large, fragile or hot. So for those readers, like Pete here, who need a little leading
in life, here’s Aunty’s top list of what NOT to clap your Guppy mouth around.
1) Lightbulbs – This is not a bright idea.
2) Your own head – Unless using a snorkel.
3) Elton John’s piano –
This won’t get you fingered! Now stop being so idiotic and wasting our valuable NHS resources or mine.
Dear Aunty,
I want to be a pornstar but have been told that I don’t have the right sized cock. What do you think?
Perry, Cardiff
Dear Perry,
Thank you for the picture you sent me. It took a while to work out what it was at first but after a good magnifying glass over I realised it was your wilting John Thomas. The good thing about pornography is that no matter what you look like or what fantasies you have, there will bound to be a market somewhere for someone like you to fit in. Remember it’s not always about the size you’ve got it’s where you, well, I guess in your case rub it. As you sent the front view only I would assume you see yourself as more of a top figure, however, I would recommend if you want to get into the business, bend over and start sitting on as many people and objects you can find. That’s how I started. I ended up with such good grip down there I could build myself a flatpack Ikea table in just five minutes! I was an internet hit with AuntyAssembles.com
Aunts xxx
Dear Aunty,
My boyfriend is always watching porn and I think he may have a problem. I’ve seen him five times this month watching stuff on his phone and yet we haven’t had real sex for nearly two months. Should I tell him to go get help or tell him it’s me or the porn?
Larry, Birmingham
Larry dear,
Never tell a man it’s his pornography or you, as you’ll never win. Men and pornography go together like one night stands and crabs. Since the dawn of man they’ve been etching images of their manhoods, usually over-inflated I might add, to arouse the masses and share sordid stories. So once the internet was invented, for the sole purpose of sharing pornography, men old and young have been beating away at quicker speeds. The trick here is to embrace technology. Suggest making your own home movie with him being the star. Failing that strap an iPad to your back playing the latest ‘men-with-veg’ series and watch him jump right in there.
Aunts xx
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GD: Have you had a chance to relax yet?
AF: Yeah. When I got removed from the Big Brother house I went straight home to see my Mum. I thought I was gonna go back to my flat but I felt the decision to go see my Mum was best and I had a few days rest to gather my thoughts and everything. I came back to London yesterday and I’m thinking roll on now, don’t dwell on the past look forward to the future.
GD: Whilst in the Big Brother House what did you miss the most from the outside world?
AF: I think watching Big Brother from my TV. I’m a massive fan of Big Brother and when you’re in there you’re like “Oh My God I’m in Big Brother”, you know what I mean? It’s like really strange, and obviously I missed my phone because there are so many things you can capture. I said to Big Brother you need to get a camera in there because we could literally rule social media with the pictures we could do in there. I missed my phone and my Instagram.
GD: So did you hand over your accounts?
AF: Yeah, I love social media and Instagram and Twitter and everything.
GD: You’re obviously quite a naked person – did you realise this about yourself?
AF: Yeah, I do a lot of nude selfies and stuff like that. If you’ve got it flaunt it sort of thing. But I know for a fact that in that house I didn’t have the best body to show off. But I know I’m confident in my skin so I’ll show what I have and people like it so it is what it is but obviously it backfired and I offended somebody and got removed, so I just gotta take that on board in the future.
GD: You did spend a lot of time flirting with Joel, was there a connection there?
AF: Me and Joel, we had banter and people called us Jaaron all the time because we’re literally always sat down or in a bath together, but obviously I’ve watched it and they never showed all the conversations. He would ask me all kinds of questions about my life, my upbringing, my sexuality, because where he’s from, he comes from the countryside and I think it’s like Heartbeat it’s very small and not a lot’s really going on so meeting someone like me he’s like “what the hell is this”. I mean obviously I tried to break it down for him so he could understand it all but me and Joel had amazing banter and I feel I’ve gained a friend in there. Obviously me and him have different opinions on things but I think that’s what made us Jaaron. Opposites attract and I hope when he comes out we can go for a coffee or a burger or something, I know he loves his burgers.
GD: Did Big Brother, in your opinion, make the right decision then in removing you?
AF: At the end of the day I broke the rules and I have to come to terms with that. When I was in the moment of doing my naked running around the room I never realised I was breaking the rules but obviously when they’ve broken it down for me, and they’ve shown me what I’ve done, I have to take that on board. I really appreciate what Big Brother have done. I’m not gonna be, “ahh they’re in the wrong”, because they’re not. The rules are there for a reason and I broke them and got removed. Obviously I was upset and devastated but I can’t be angry or anything can I? It’s my own doing and lesson learnt on that one? Don’t run around a room naked! (laughs)
GD: How are things with your mother?
AF: Oh my God, I only just come out to my mum a couple years ago and it’s still like a weird topic for us, so when I came out and went home straight away I was really scared but yeah she’s been really supportive. The last thing she said to me before I left was, “Aaron you’ll always be a winner in my eyes”. She’s been really supportive and I’m really blessed with that.
GD: So she hasn’t told you off for any of your naked antics yet?
AF: No she just said, “can future Aaron please cover up? I don’t want to see your meat and two veg” (laughs).
GD: You were recently quoted as saying you’ve wanted love for many years and need to make yourself happy first as no one wants you. Did you find your happiness in the house?
AF: Yeah. I watched all the footage from day one until the last one I was in, obviously I was very upset at times but there were a lot of emotions going through my head. As the days went on I became a stronger person and overcome so many fears I had – to go in the haunted room for 12 hours, for nothing, and I had to eat beetles and I hate insects so I literally have started to realise that I’m a strong person. I do need to start living myself a little bit more, but I feel it’s an everyday learning process and it’ll come day by day. So I’ll get there one day (laughs).
GD:…and has there been any romantic offers yet since leaving the BB house?
AF: No not really. Well on Twitter there’s a lot of people saying, “I love you Aaron” and “can you be my prom date” and stuff like that. It’s been very few but no one’s ever asked me to go to a prom.
GD: You’re going to have a busy summer then!
AF: (Laughs) Well let’s see what happens. A lot of young girls say they love me for my energy and character and stuff like that. I’m just blessed that anyone would want to watch me. I really am blessed with this whole opportunity and I genuinely did feel sorry for all the supporters that I had when I came out because I let them down in a way. But, as I say, I can’t dwell on that now. They still love me for me so it is what it is and I have to move on from that now.
GD: If you were in Jack’s shoes would you have taken the car he won and driven off?
AF: No mate because first of all, although it was a very nice present, I was in there for a learning experience for myself and to show my mum what I was about and secondly that car, as much as it was nice, I don’t do white cars mate, they take forever to keep clean.
GD: You could always have spray painted it…
AF: Yeah but I don’t think of that. I’d have definitely declined it. It’s not worth it and even though Jack was very upset about the situation I said to him, “no matter what Jack when you get out this house you’re gonna get bigger and better things than a BMW car.”
GD: Now that ‘Showbiz’ Simon is back in the house do you think you would have gotten on together or clashed?
AF: It’s funny you say that because ever since he was in the house at the beginning and he got evicted everyone said, “Aaron you’re quite lucky he got removed because he has a big personality and you two would have clashed”. Every day, even though it never got shown, everyone was saying “Aaron he’s returning” and “are you scared”, but obviously they were speculating and speculating right because he did return. But people obviously see two big personalities and think were going to clash and that may have been the case but watching his VT going into the house he’s done a lot of things and I probably would have learnt a lot from him as well. So I like to see it as a negative and a positive but I will never know until I get a chance to meet the guy, but from watching on TV he does say Showbiz a lot, like mate chill out on that one.
GD: Who would you like to see win BB?
AF: Chloe and Jack. With Jack I’ve never really met anyone like that and he’s such a humble guy and he makes my heart melt he really does. I really hope that he wins it. If it’s a girl then Chloe because Chloe represents a kinda girl that’s from my town, even though she lives up north, she reminds me of my sisters, so I’d want to see my sister win it ideally.
GD: What are your hopes for the future?
AF: Always waving the flag of being a Big Brother housemate, I think that’s an absolute achievement, but hopefully continue working in fashion and I’d really really love a job in TV, so if any opportunities come that way I’d take it by the horns and go down that road. I feel my personality comes across best on TV.
GD: Apart from THEGAYUK magazine who would you most like to model for?
AF: I’m one of those people that loves fashion and I’d love to work with Adidas. I love that brand so much and they send me free stuff all the time so I’d love to support them and be a representative of the brand. Whatever brands come forward I’d analyse them and see if they’re suitable for me because I don’t do everything. Like if someone said, “Aaron model our suit”, I don’t really think I suit suit-suits, I suit tracksuits, you know what I mean?