THEGAYUK

Author: Stuart M Bird

  • CAR REVIEW | Range Rover Sport SVD6

    CAR REVIEW | Range Rover Sport SVD6

    ★★★★☆ | Range Rover Sport SVD6

    Weak At The Knees In More Ways Than One

    Range Rover Sport SVD6 review

    What Have We Got?

    Land Rovers vast luxury Range Rover Sport SDV6. Once again, Land Rover has moved the Range Rover further up the luxury bracket which means this isn’t some fancy farm yard vehicle. This is a proper bonafide people carrying 4×4 with proven 4×4 credentials.

    But is it any good as an everyday carrier of people and load?  

    Driving

    Despite its big looks, it is surprisingly easy to drive. On paper at least, the 3-litre turbo diesel has a modest 306 bhp and yet the high 700 Nm of torque from 1500rpm feels quite lethargic in getting it going. It’s not a slouch by any means with a 0-60 time of 6.8 seconds, it just feels like it because it isolates you from the drivetrain so well. 

    When the going gets bumpy, this model also benefits from some impressive damping. The ride remained composed. There was some lurch as expected but it’s much less than you would think there would be despite what height you set the ride at.

    Inside

    For all of its exterior presence, it has an interior that matches. Big and bold with some nice touches in ergonomics and some appalling trim. 

    The twin infotainment screen is nice and when on, disguises greasy fingerprints quite well. You just need to keep the roof blind closed to enjoy it in the sun. It’s more reflective than I would like. 

    The leather coverings on the doors could have been a little bit better, though this was minor compared to the silver trim that ran down the side of the centre console. An unsavoury mould line left a sharp edge protruding that would rub against my bare knee.  

    Living With It

    All I will say is, pick your supermarket parking space wisely! It doesn’t feel as big as it looks to drive so you’ll find it cumbersome in the carpark. 

    It will seat five, though anyone sitting in the middle of the rear won’t feel the love with the drop-down armrest digging in their back. 

    It has the ability to travel ground so effortlessly that motorway driving would be a doddle. It would be if it was fitted with adaptive cruise control. One thing I struggle to get my head around is with all the safety features fitted to this premium 4×4, adaptive cruise is an option. It’s an option that should be standard.

    The Verdict

    I tried not to be swayed by the glamour of the thing but l failed. It took about three miles into my first drive to be in love with it. I didn’t even compile a good and bad list after the first initial run. 

    It’s not perfect though. There are a few niggles I have like trim quality and a suspension system that at times decides to go in too low overnight. That said it does make you feel like the king of the castle and you can see why people go back to buy another.

    Love

    Relaxing cabin

    Ride

    Door architecture

    Loathe

    Hate myself for loving it too much

    Sharp-edged trim

    Lack of adaptive cruise

    The Lowdown

    Car –  Range Rover Sport SVD6

    Price – £78,095 (as tested)

    MPG – 40.4mpg (combined)

    Power – 306bhp

    0-62mph –  6.8 seconds

    Top Speed –  140 mph

    Co2 – 185 (g/km)

  • CAR REVIEW | Honda HR-V 1.6 1-DTEC

    ★★★☆☆ | Honda HR-V 1.6 1-DTEC – A Driver’s SUV

    What Have We Got?

    Honda’s second-generation HR-V. A small SUV type car wrapped in a coupe body based on the small Jazz.

    WHAT! I hear you cry, second generation you say? Yes, that’s right. Honda abandoned the HR-V in 2006 and then brought it back in 2016. So two years into its life, does it still sparkle in the showroom? 

    Driving

    I always try and save the best until last. This isn’t the case with the HR-V. The driving is the best part. For a small SUV that’s a little jacked up and riding high, it is quite engaging to drive when you want to push on a bit. The 120 PS of diesel power at 4000rpm was nicely complemented by the high torque of 300 Nm at a low 200rpm. Mated to a rather nice 6-speed manual gearbox with a very tall 5th and 6th gear. This meant that most hurried driving could be carried out with slipping into 3rd and 4th gear.

     

    Inside

    Despite the pseudo coupe looks, it has stacks of people space inside and headroom isn’t a problem. You certainly couldn’t use ‘adequate’ as a word to describe the rear legroom because it is overly generous. What it does lack is door bin storage and general odds and ends places which aren’t fitting for this kind of car. And it’s all a bit dark inside despite the 50/50 split closed/open panoramic roof option that comes standard on the EX model. 

    Living With It

    At £27,640, you might feel a little out of pocket. It’s not cheap. Then again no SUV is cheap at the moment. Still, for your money, you do get a host of driver aid gadgets and toys in this top of the range HR-V. There are many areas that it could be better in but there are areas that it is much better than expected and that’s driver enjoyment. The ride is soft and comfortable and never leaves you wincing as you take on the worst potholed roads or uneven surfaces. 

    The Verdict

    Despite what I have said, I’m not a fan. Yes, the driving dynamics are rather good for this type of car. Quite a lot better than many if I am honest. It’s just that it lacks showroom appeal. And for the size of the car and the market it is in, it lacks the youth appeal that really is the kind of drivers you would expect to see buy into these smaller SUV’s. This is something VW and Seat do a little bit better. It also lacks innovation and this is something I am rather upset about. Honda is very innovative and yet it seems they have missed many opportunities with the HR-V. Driving and looks aside, you really have to want one to want one. It just didn’t sparkle enough for me. 

    Love

    Driving dynamics

    Engine

    Looks

    Loathe

    Paint finish

    Lack of innovations

    Small door pockets 

    The Lowdown

    Car –  Honda HR-V 1.6 1-DTEC EX manual

    Price – £27,640 (as tested)

    MPG – 68.9 mpg (combined)

    Power – 120PS at 400rpm

    0-62mph –  10.5 seconds

    Top Speed –  119 mph

    Co2 – 104 (g/km)

  • COMMENT | When I Grow Up, I’m Going To Drive

    Something popped up on Twitter recently. An advert for a 1980’s Peugeot 305 GTX diesel estate.

    About 18 years ago I’d promised myself one of those. It won’t happen now though. I don’t need another diesel on the fleet and l certainly don’t need another old car with the ever-increasing difficulty in getting parts when l have three others.

    You see, I am a bit of a motoring pervert. I’m realistic and as a child, my dream-car choices of car reflected this. Despite them being new at the time, they were cheap. I’m a realist you see and it’s probably why I never ended up with a coke habit because, let’s face it, coke is expensive! A Lamborghini is expensive. A Morris Ital estate isn’t.  

    So I thought about those other cars I’d promised myself and picked the top five that I won’t buy.

    Morris Ital Estate

    In 1980 I didn’t know the Ital was in actual fact a Morris Marina. To me, the Ital looked great. It wasn’t. It was a Marina and those were dreadful. The Ital was an end of life crisis revamp for the Marina to buy British Leyland sometime before the replacement was available. Judging by the number of model designation changes that the Ital went through, it didn’t work. They were just desperate to sell it like Ital design studio were to distance itself from the project. 

    I won’t buy one now. I know what it is but a little part of me shall always have a little soft spot for an estate. A little bit, like a fingernail clippings worth.

    Austin Ambassador

    WHAT THE F**K AM I DOING! The Ambassador. Another rehash from BL to buy some time. This time, around two years. The Ambassador wasn’t a bad car. It was the Austin Princess that we should have got in the first place. In that, I mean a hatchback. Why the Princess was a saloon is a question flat earthers really should be spending their time wondering about. 

    I won’t buy one now. I like them though. I think they still look rather good but not in Vanden Plas guise. That chrome trim on the bonnet looked stupid. A bit like the name really. This Ambassador wasn’t really spoiling us at all.

    Austin Montego Saloon

    Now, this is the dirty secret I have held until recently. Andrew Ryan on Twitter ( @andrewryan100 ) recently posted a huge factoid on the Montego. Kept me enthralled and the fire for the Montego was re-lit. The styling of the car was always a joy to look at so don’t get me looking at that three-piece rear window. It was like a bay window for a car and no other car out there had one. I like bay windows. It’s a suburban thing I suppose. A place for nic-nacs like a nodding dog or box of tissues!

    I won’t buy one now. The trouble with the Montego was that it wasn’t that well built, every one I looked at as a child always had mis-match alignment between the headlights and bonnet and a dashboard was rather bland.   

    Renault 17

    These always looked like they were fun. The 17 was the elegant sex pest to the frumpy 15. The rear side windows, covered with louvres, popped inwards. The quad headlights were surrounded by an extension of the bumper. They looked amazing. To top it off, you could get them with an electric folding roof. This was 70’s Europe and such things were frivolous craziness that your grandmother, who’d still wave her ration-book at you, would not approve. Matchbox toys got involved and made a small model of one.  

    I won’t buy one now. This really is a sad moment that I admit that I won’t but I did get to drive one from a guy I started dating. The car wasn’t quite what I expected and as for the date, that wasn’t either. 

    Visa GTi

    I started my driving career with a Visa. And I progressed steadily through the many engine changes including the 2-cylinder and the diesel. I even had a convertible one too. Trouble was, insurance for a young man back then on a GTi was impossible or expensive. And then you had the fuel economy. I was used to the high 40s and beyond with the diesel. The GTi couldn’t do that.

    I won’t buy one now. Most have rusted away sadly or their thin bodywork has gone all crinkly and out of shape. And to be honest, I have had five of them and you can have too much of a good thing. 

    So there you go, 5 cars I’ve hankered after for all these years that are not going to happen. That said it does mean I am not ruling out a VW 411 or Lancia Beta coupe. Watch this space. 

  • CAR REVIEW | Honda Civic Type R

    CAR REVIEW | Honda Civic Type R

    ★★★★★ | Honda Civic Type R GT 2.0 VTEC Turbo.

     Honda: The Power of SCREAMS!

    Honda Civic Type R GT 2.0 VTEC Turbo reviewWhat Have We Got

    In 1985, I was collecting a magazine called The Car. Issue 40 was about the Lamborghini Countach. It was a dream car. A supercar with performance figures that spoke for themselves. 0-60 in 5 seconds and a top speed of 183mph. It also did 11mpg.

    Fast forward 33 years and suddenly I am confronted with a family hatchback that has similar performance figures and wings. This hatchback has 5 doors, will seat the same and carry luggage. This car is the Honda Civic Type R. 

    Honda Civic Type R GT 2.0 VTEC Turbo review

    Driving

    A lot has been said about the Civic and you can see why it has won so much admiration. So I decided that I’d turn the tables and write about what this bulging shoulder padded winged road warrior was like to live with as a practical car.

    Well, that all went out of the window when I found a suitable route to use the car’s power one night. To say it covers ground quickly is an understatement. This is amplified by an astonishing amount of grip given from the 245/30 20 Continental tyres. In the big scheme of things, the 245 isn’t that wide. What does help is in the thin 30 section side wall. These tyres do no wobble around and quick directional changes are where the Civic Type R excels. 

    No race-ready road car would be complete if it didn’t have an engine that could deliver. That 320PS arrives at high up the rev range at 6500rpm but it’s the 400Nm of torque are there at the max from 2500-4500. From 1500rpm the engine sings and its ability to spin to its maximum is rapid. This equals a lot of fun and an ability to get to legal speeds and beyond very quickly. 

    All cars come with traction control and there are times when switching it off can throw some cars into all sorts of shapes like your father dancing at a wedding. The Civic becomes a hoot to drive. It throws in drama to its already dramatic ways but remains safe.

    Inside

    Honda Civic Type R GT 2.0 VTEC Turbo review

    It’s all very much similar to the standard Civic that we tested recently. It’s roomy, has seats and the confusing heater controls. 

    Where the Type R stands out is in the bucket seats. They aren’t the easiest to get out of but they are far more supportive and comfortable than they look. 

    Living with it

    You need to have a serious talking to yourself before you buy one because you need to ask yourself if you could handle the seduction of its power. It’s an intoxicating frivolity that never tires. You see the hard riding Civic isn’t actually that harsh at all. 

    There are three settings, comfort, sport and R. ‘R’ as you can imagine is where the magic happens. That said, the magic also happens in comfort mode albeit a little more leisurely. ‘Comfort’ mode is noticeably softer and in the day-to-day running around, more than acceptable. 

    The Civic’s other settings are firmer in two stages and yet not internal organ jolting. Put it this way, apart from your stomach coming up in your throat when you first try a 0-60 pull away and your brain smashing around the inside of your skull from the G-forces, the ride won’t alter the locations of kidneys or the liver. 

    Your eyes might fall out of their sockets when you require the assistance of the Brembo brakes but that’s another matter. And I wear glasses so my eyes are never fell far from the sockets!

    Is it any good

    I say it is. Compared with the Golf R, the Civic isn’t perfect. It’s also not subtle in any way. While the Golf is good and doesn’t shout about its power, the Civic does. And when you are talking £30k plus for a fast hatchback, you want something that makes a statement. 

    Civic Type R makes a statement. 

    Love

    Handling

    Fun x 100
    Ability to cruise comfortably 

    Loathe

    Curb loving rims

    Heating controls

    Small fuel tank

    The Lowdown

    Car –  Honda Civic Type R GT 2.0 VTEC Turbo

    Cost – £33,525

    MPG – 36.7mpg (combined)

    Power – 320ps

    0-62mph – 5.8 seconds

    Top Speed –  169mph

    Co2 – 176 (g/km)

  • MOTORING | My week with the 4×4 Tamiya Toyota Bruiser

    MOTORING | My week with the 4×4 Tamiya Toyota Bruiser

    A week in Toyota Toy Town

    I’ve just spent the past week pretending I was Calvin Brookman. Never heard of him? Then you need to brush up on your Tamiya history. Calvin was the driver of the Tamiya 1985 model 58048, the Toyota 4×4 Bruiser. Now bizarrely for Tamiya, this model never came with a driver so for all intents and purposes, he looked exactly like me. How uncanny.  

    Fast forward 32 years or 471 models later and Tamiya has re-released the much often drooled over model that most of us wanted from the top shelf. To celebrate this release and an almost 40-year partnership Toyota have with Tamiya, Toyota GB set about turning their current Hilux Extra Cab vehicle into a real-life homage to the Tamiya model.

    I met with my R/C hero in the carpark at work. It sat there as bold as brass. You couldn’t miss it and did I laugh. This thing is a bit of a monster. Subtlety is not its strong point and yet it does have an air of soft cuddliness about it. We’ve all taken our favourite R/C model to bed and this 1:1 scale model is no different. I got it dirty and washed it for crying out loud. I just didn’t want it going home dirty! 

    Toyota has done an amazing job in its recreation. In doing this they have also done something else to the Hilux which I’ll discuss later. A snazzy wrap of camp sparkling blue and Bruiser graphics would fall flat on there face if it wasn’t for the fact that this truck has been given the kiss of the lift by Arctic Trucks. Gone are the standard Hilux 265/65 17 wheel combo for a more robust 305/80 17 mix. It’s a lot of chunky rubber. 

    There’s also a reworking of the bits underneath too, with uprated Fox Shox suspension and to maintain the speedometer accuracy, they reworked the differential gearing. Quite important this when on the M23 with average speed cameras in operation.  

    Now you won’t find any of the extras on the Bruiser in the Toyota Hilux accessory brochure. Toyota teamed up with model maker Robert Selway who had the task of adding the all important on/off switch as well as the bumper bars. 

    So the time arrived for me to slide the switch to ‘on’ and roll out with my battery pack fully charged. OK so the switch wasn’t that in the rear bed but the ignition key in my hand and this isn’t powered by batteries but a 150bhp 2.4-litre diesel engine going through a 6-speed manual gearbox. 

    One thing that becomes apparent is the tyre noise. Over 40mph and these things make more noise than RuPaul’s Drag racers at full bitch.

    Girl, they are chatty! That, however, is the only fault and even then it’s hardly a problem. This new set up makes the Hilux even better to drive than the one we tested in 2017. There is less pitch and the ride is more compliant. There is an element to understeer if you press too hard and an amount of tail out in the wet. Like any pick-up though, 4 wheel drive is best selected in the wet when the rear is light of a load.

    And you best get used to the stares the truck gets. It’s not for the shy. Like a secret cult, those who know give you the thumbs up or a knowing nod. It’s appreciated. This is when you suddenly really start to fall in love with the truck. It lacks the luxury features of the Hilux Invincible but this is only because they are not available on the extra cab model. Shameful really because this model with its mini suicide rear doors really is a handsome beast.  

    Now down to the nitty-gritty. Would I have one? No is the answer. It’s just too big to park in the high street. And it is totally unnecessary for me in this guise. My daily commute route had to be altered to accommodate its bulk. That said, just look at it. What’s not to love? I tell you what, not a lot. The wheels are impossible to curb and the thing sort of glides over speed bumps. Toyota GB, I’ll swap you my much-prized Sand Scorcher? I WANT THIS!

  • Obituary: Lindsay Kemp “Dancing, The Quickest Route To Happiness”

    Lindsay Kemp 3 May 1938 – 25 August 2018.

    I was saddened this weekend to hear that the dancer, teacher, actor, mentor and mime artist, Lindsay Kemp had passed away in Italy over the weekend. I was away at a festival and when a friend told me, we were both saddened. Others of our group didn’t know who he was.

    To me, he will also be a shining star. A man who without his talents, we wouldn’t have had such amazing dance interpretations by Kate Bush. On being given her first big advance from EMI, she spent it wisely with Lindsay Kemp and it was his mentoring skills that brought out the creative confidence in Kate. In an interview, he said that Kate Bush was very shy but gave herself away to the music when she attended his Covent Garden dance studio.

    To reciprocate what Lindsey had done, Kate dedicated a song to him called “Moving” from her debut album The Kick Inside and probably more so special in that it was the opening song on the album. 

    To listen to that song and having watched some of Lindsey’s work you are transported into interpretive dance and you can imagine the 2 of them falling into the music. 

    Kate Bush would come back to Lindsay for her 7th studio album the 1993 The Red Shoes where she would use Lindsay in the short video film of the accompanying film The Line, The Cross and The Curve where he would play the Guide into assisting Kate into singing back her three symbols from a very mischievous Miranda Richardson.

    So I’ve just sat down to watch “he Line, The Cross and The Curve again as a homage to the great Lindsay Kemp and despite Kate calling the film a “load of bollocks” I think it was rather special and only 1 of 13 things Lindsey has been in for TV or film. 

    He passed away after spending the day rehearsing. RIP Lindsey Kemp, my queen of the dance.

  • CAR REVIEW | Honda Civic 1.6 i-DTEC EX 

    CAR REVIEW | Honda Civic 1.6 i-DTEC EX 

    ★★★☆☆ | Honda Civic 1.6 i-DTEC EX

    What Have We Got

    Here is Honda’s 10th generation Civic. It is the humble family car that has been a staple from Honda since the 70s. Now let’s be honest, before 2006’s 8th generation Civic, it had been largely thought of as a competent car and one that’s just alright.

    That all changed and again with this all-new Civic 10. Design-wise it is an elegant looking car that takes generation 8 Civic to a new level ignoring generation 9’s dumpy potato look. And it has paid off because the Civic 10 is a looker.

    Driving

    It’s a puzzler. Civic comes with two driving modes, normal and sport. The usual attributes happen when you press the button with the steering becoming artificially stiffer along with the damper rates, and throttle response is sharpened. What then would be nice is for a softer ride in normal mode. It isn’t a hard ride at all and on most surfaces, it is always composed, and very little throws it off its course. A softer ride though might just quieten the road noise and add some luxury quality.

    The diesel engine is rather torquey and once spinning, it will reach the rev limiter quickly. It catches you out too for a car with a 0-60 of over 10 seconds, so you need to be quick on first three gears. Thankfully the clutch is light with good feel, and the gear stick precise and slick.

    What I did find was the fuel economy a little disappointing at the pumps. Honda claim 80.7mpg for the combined. I was lucky to get 49mpg over my week with Civic. That’s some way off their claim.

    Inside

    Inside you are treated to a well-made interior. It all fits well together, and the controls are logically laid out. The infotainment system isn’t as clunky to use as some though it takes a bit of time to build up familiarity with it particularly with the heating. I’m in a 50/50 kind of mind if I like the split screen and button use for it. Screen de-mist is a button under the infotainment screen while the other setups are all contained within the touchscreen.

    Interior is also very dark with its use of black is everywhere. Some of the joins where one material meets another are not always successful. What is though is the centre console that is well made. All this black would become unbearable if it weren’t for two things. The big retractable glass roof and the masses of shoulder space. Depending on your build you’ll find there is either too much shoulder space, or the door armrests are not large enough. I found I was having to spread my arms out like having a broom shoved down my sleeves and holding the steering wheel at the precisely 5:35.

    Living with it

    I have a few gripes about the Civic as mentioned above. The hatchback opening is large and wide, and a neat feature that I do like is the fold away parcel shelf blind that when compacted looks like a printer ink cartridge. It’s genius thinking. The problem with a hatchback is the problem of where do you put the parcel shelf. 10/10 Honda.

    I also like the sense of space. Despite my moan about shoulder space, the car doesn’t feel too wide to drive through town. It’s quite nice to pilot around.

    Verdict?

    I’d have one. I wouldn’t feel cheated if I was thrown the keys and told, “That’s yours, get on with it”. You can’t argue with the cost and spec over its nearest rivals. Spec for spec, it’s cheaper than a Golf and better equipped than the Astra. The technology works well too. What I will say though is don’t rule out the zippy petrol version.

    Love

    Price

    Spec

    Looks

    Loathe

    Unrealistic fuel figures

    Heating controls

    Turbo lag

    The Lowdown

    Car – Honda Civic 1.6 i-DTEC EX

    Cost – £26,574 (as tested)

    MPG – 80.7 mpg (combined)

    Power – 120ps

    0-62mph – 10.2 seconds

    Top Speed – 125mph

    Co2 – 93 (g/km)

  • BOOK REVIEW | Alfa Romeo Giulietta 1978 – 1985

    BOOK REVIEW | Alfa Romeo Giulietta 1978 – 1985

    ★★★★★ | Alfa Romeo Giulietta 1978 – 1985

    For any Alfa Romeo fan or ‘Alfisti’ as they call themselves, Matteo Licata’s book on the much ignored Giulietta from 77 – 85 is an absolute must. I like the Giulietta and have looked forward to reading a copy since he broadcasted it to his Twitter followers this year.

    Matteo is a lover of sports cars in general and he has a fondness for automotive lost causes. Full-time lover of good life, blogger and writer on Twitter, he’s an automobile enthusiast firstly. He carved a career in car design, graduating from Turin’s Istituto Europeo di Design in 2006. He’s even contributed to the 2006 Giulietta of 2010. So we are in good hands.

    The Giulietta, in general, has been largely overlooked. It was for Alfa Romeo, a short-lived car and as a result has only ever been mentioned in a paragraph or berated for being a cheaper shorter car based on the Alfetta. One of my first books on cars was on Alfa Romeo and that only had a one-page colour spread with two shots of a Giulietta on it. This has finally been addressed.  

    This is Matteo’s first book and l have to say l am impressed with the level of information this book is packed with. As a general rule of thumb, most books on Alfa Romeo are rich in page numbers. For the 58 pages in Matteo’s book, each page packs a punch with knowledge on the Giulietta. It comes in bite-size snippets of information and it works for me. The book is particularly good at capturing the data that you as an enthusiast want without waffle.

    In the beginning, there was a lovely snapshot of the history of Alfa Romeo. Even after all these years of being an ‘Alfisti’ myself, some of it was new news to me. After this, there are eight chapters covering everything from the launch to evolution and ending with the geeky satisfaction in vital statistics.

    Things l had forgotten about Giulietta (read that as didn’t know) was that there were three series in production. Subtle changes here and there are covered along with the confusing array of engine line-ups across Italy and the rest of Europe. And then there are rare photos throughout the book of the car itself including six very rare and spacial models like the Fiorucci Giulietta “Punk” of ’78. It beggars belief!

    A worthy read and addition to your Alfa Romeo library? YES.

    Follow Matteo on twitter: @Roadster_life or on his blog: https://www.roadster-life.com

    Available from Amazon books for £21.87.

  • COLUMN | When music leads you down memory lane (and the boys we used to lust over)

    COLUMN | When music leads you down memory lane (and the boys we used to lust over)

    It Really Was Just “Wishful Thinking”

     from a great song

    Music is a funny thing. It does evoke such memories and for the majority of the time in my life, they are good ones. Even if the outcome hasn’t been as I had wished for, I can still see the goodness in it. Misinterpreting, however, is easily done when it seems to offer an escape or fits a situation even if that wasn’t what the artists intended. One song in particular just does it for me.

    “China Chris” ‘Wishful Thinking’ came on the radio the other day. I loved that song. Even though the song was released in 1984, I loved it even more back in 1994. I’d bought a CD titled Electric Dreams and at the time it was the only album l played. It also went well with a 1980 Citroën GS Club estate l had at the times.

    Anyway back to the song in hand by China Crisis. Apparently, it’s not a gay song and yet when you look at the song cover sleeve you can see why I thought it was. Lead singer Eddie Lundon was fit. Bandmate Gary Daly was looking up at him sort of in my eyes wishfully thinking what I was.

    Listen to the song and you can quite easily see why, as a confused 19-year-old youth with a longing for the man from Securicor deliveries, that I made it about him.

    “It’s time we should talk about is

    There’s no secret kept in here

    I see the likeness in his smile and the way he stands

    Makes it all worthwhile”

    Just those last two lines from that chorus did it. I would stand at the window of the awful soft furnishing shop I worked in and look out for him whenever the blue Securicor Ford Transit van would pull up down the high street.

    My word, l was in lust with him. I’ll spare his name though don’t think for one second I haven’t looked him up on Facebook. I’m not very good at stalking and I failed miserably. I’ve either not quite got the last name right or he simply isn’t there. Just getting his name was a feat of success that I remember it well. I can’t tell you how I kicked myself with joy when l did. I even kept the piece of paper with his name in and I still have it to this day.

    Life was simpler for a 19-year-old Stuart with no mortgage to pay.

    I can’t quite admit that l would find fault in fabrics and curtains just so they would be returned and that he’d have to come in to collect but I did. Lust is a silly thing. Makes you do silly things. Didn’t resort to stalking though, as I say I’m not very good at it. I didn’t have time either. To be honest, where do people find time to stalk people?

    Back to Mr Securicor, he was just perfect. Or so I thought. One day he came in and told me he was leaving to become a supervisor. He broke my heart. He left me, stranded in the shop I hated and never to be seen again and he wasn’t. I never saw him again. Except for today when that song came on the radio and again after that when l played it on loop for about 15 times not sobbing uncontrollably into the sleeve of my jumper. If I can’t be an excessive stalker, then at least let me stalk with a song and happy thoughts.

    Our returns reduced quite dramatically after that and where is he now? Haven’t a clue. It was a silly lustful crush and “Wishful Thinking”… only just.

  • CAR REVIEW | Vauxhall Insignia Sports Tourer

    CAR REVIEW | Vauxhall Insignia Sports Tourer

    ★★★★☆ | Vauxhall Insignia Sports Tourer

    What Have We Got

    It’s hard to believe that this car as it is, on my driveway is just £3650 more than the Astra we tested recently. And you’ll notice this through other manufacturers. There once was a time when they made more money from their big cars. That doesn’t always seem the case these days but is the Insignia £3650 extra about right or an absolute bargain?

    Driving

    The engine in Insignia is down by 26ps over that fitted to the Astra, and it feels it. It runs out of puff rather quicker to reflecting its leisurely 11+ 0-60 sprint, yet that is the wrong way to drive this version on Vauxhall’s 1598cc turbo diesel. The power of 300Nm on this engine comes in lowly at 1750rpm to 2000rpm. In the Astra, it was higher up at 2000rpm and beyond. This lower engine power suits the Insignia well and here is the reason. It’s a smoother car to drive. The feel of the Insignia is more relaxed. 

    Inside

    The overall ambience of the cabin is of serenity. There is subtle lighting across the tops of the doors and along the dashboard. It’s very in keeping with the current trends. What is also like the tendency is to exclude this nicety from the rear doors. Why the rear passengers are not given this, I do not know. Thankfully the rears are treated to heated seats and have access to two USB ports to charge up the smartphones that will no doubt be connected to Vauxhall’s WiFi hotspot within the car. They are also given vast amounts of legroom too. It’s more than spacious in the rear.

    Living with it

    As estate cars go, there is a load of space in the back. A bulkhead style cargo net comes as standard. It is integrated into two positions. It can be placed in front of the rear seats folded up and down. If you only carry a load that sits below the window line you’ll never appreciate this but for those who carry to the max will, and its fitting and removal are incredibly easy. Just like folding the rear seats to reveal a flat load area. You’ll find the release catch either inside the boot or on top of the seats.  It’s a simple operation.

    The Verdict

    It’s a bargain. As load luggers go, the Insignia carries more as you’d expect. It’s rather nice inside and made for effortless cruising. Considering what I said about it being lower powered compared to the Astra, don’t let that put you off. It all comes together to make for a more cohesive car that carries loads and cruises well. In my mind, that is a better combination. The problem I did find with the estate style body was the height of the rear door. At 6’1” my head brush closely to the underside. Depending on the angle I parked at I did once knock my head on it. It is, however, the price we pay for sleeker looking estate cars.

    Love

    Comfort

    Load-lugging ability

    Ease of converting to full estate

    Loathe

    Low tailgate edge 

    Lack of cabin joy in the rear

    Road noise with the cargo cover missing

    The Lowdown

    Car –  Vauxhall Insignia Sports Tourer SRi Nav 1.6 110PS Turbo D

    Price – £24,555 (as tested)

    MPG – 65.7 mpg (combined)

    Power – 0-62mph – 11.1 seconds

    Top Speed –  125 mph

    Co2 – 112 (g/km)

  • CAR REVIEW | Citroën C3 Aircross Flair

    ★★★★☆ | Citroën C3 Aircross Flair

    WHAT IS IT? | DRIVING IT | CLIMB INSIDE | LIVING WITH IT | VERDICT

    Citroën’s new C3 Aircross replaces the Picasso MPV and enters the ever-so-confusing mini SUV type party. This model is the Flair S&S Puretech 110 Auto. Being a crowded party the C3 Aircross needs to be good.

    With starting prices from around £14,000 with the ‘Touch’ model, here THEGAYUK has the top of the range ‘Flair’ to tinker with.