It’s the most wonderful time of the year! No, not all that Christmas nonsense that’s looming, but autumn. I totally love autumn. It’s arrived with a bang in London, heralded by high winds and radical temperature drops but oh, is it beautiful. The leaves are magnificent, the smell of wood smoke is in the air and the weather today is crisp and sunny.

Finally the weather suits my clothes (isn’t that a line from a song?). I’ve unearthed my wool suits, my tweed jackets and my original 1950s Tootal scarves and I’m ready to rock and stroll. Autumn is my favourite season to go walking: all those leaves to kick, cheeky squirrels to feed nuts to and bright vistas full of warm colours. No more having to expose my flesh in summer clothes that fail to hide the bulges in the wrong places and the puny bits. No more sweating so much that I look like I’ve melted and having to sport unseemly damp patches on the Tube.

The food is good too. I’ve begun on an odyssey of soup consumption and stodgy cakes, wholesome stews and custard have re-appeared on the menu. The festivals are better too. Give me Halloween any day over your puny Christmas and Easter stuff. I don’t want a chocolate egg or sickly carol singing. I want blood, ghouls and the un-dead. I want rotting flesh, dismembered limbs and evocations of mean. They appeal to me so much more. Cruella de Vil is so much more me than a giant rabbit with a basket or a man in a red fur trimmed suit that entices children onto his lap.

Snuggling up with the heating on high, a good book and the curtains drawn against the outside world is my idea of heaven. The cold weather keeps people in their houses more so the streets are quieter and there’s less noise and bustle. On the down side: given the energy price hikes, I’ll be destitute come March but I’ve got two kidneys and the market must be good for selling one of those, right?

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With every Yin comes a Yang though. I have started the season of viral illnesses with a heavy cold. I’m drowning in my own mucous and living on a diet of Paracetamol and bad TV. Maybe I’ll give the leaf kicking a miss today and snuggling up will be more sweating and shivering. Oh autumn, how I loved you but like any lover you have some annoying habits and bringing with you these tiresome viruses has to be a deal breaker. I’m all about the spring now. Autumn: We’re through.

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